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One of our greatest sources of authentic power in life comes from our willingness and ability to act – especially in the face of obstacles and fear. To be truly successful and fulfilled, we must challenge ourselves to take bold and courageous actions and to go for what we truly want.
In other words, we must be willing to step out of our own box.
Legendary author Ray Bradbury said, “First, you jump off the cliff, and then you build your wings on the way down.”
Challenging ourselves, taking risks, and making decisions that scare us isn’t easy. But stepping outside of our comfort zone – outside of our box, so to speak – is where the magic happens.
Learning How to Step Out of Your Box
My story of how I became a motivational speaker, coach, and author was filled with a number of stepping-out-of-my-box moments.
It was the summer of 1998, and I was in the midst of a major life transition. I’d blown out my pitching arm a little over a year earlier and had gotten released by the Kansas City Royals that March.
I was home in Oakland, CA recovering from simultaneous elbow and shoulder surgery that I’d had at the start of that summer, reeling from what was likely to be the end of my dream of becoming a Major League baseball player (even after my arm rehab was completed), and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
Throughout that spring and summer, I read numerous self-help books that inspired me – both by what I learned from them personally and also by the idea of being able to write books like that and help people myself.
I found myself during this time wandering into bookstores and being drawn to the personal development section – both to look for new books for me to read and also because I had a deep yearning to be involved in that world myself.
Given my age at the time, twenty-four, my lack of experience, and the fact that I had no idea how one would even begin a career as a self-help author and motivational speaker, I felt discouraged, scared, and confused.
Doing this for a living seemed like a pipe dream to me at that point in my life. And, in the weeks and months ahead, I knew I’d need to make some important decisions about what to do and what specific steps to take as I ventured out into the “real world” for the very first time.
I felt scared and overwhelmed.
Pivotal Moments
On July 11th, 1998, I had a conversation on the phone with my Uncle Steve that, as I look back on it now, was a pivotal moment in the course of my life and my work.
That day on the phone, I shared with him some of my deepest fears, dreams, confusion, and desires for my life and my future. I told him that I thought I wanted to be an author and speaker who could help inspire people, but that I didn’t know how to do that, where to start, or what I could do in my life right away that would lead me in that direction.
Steve challenged me and said, “For you to do this Mike, you’re going to have to ‘step out’ and be bold. It’s not a one-time thing; it’s a day-by-day process. The question to ask yourself today and every day is, ‘What am I willing to do today to step out in life’?”
This question that Steve asked me, while simple to understand, challenged me to my core – both inspiring me and scaring me at the same time. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question at the time, but thought about it quite a bit.
I got a job that fall working for a dot-com, but my dream of writing, speaking, leading workshops, and coaching people stayed with me. Over those next few years, Steve would send me notes and postcards from time to time with just the words ‘Step Out’ on them. It became a mantra for me.
Find Places in Your Life Where You Can Step Out of Your Box
Even though I knew the job I had selling internet advertising was not my “calling,” I chose to be grateful for what I was learning and the money I was making.
At the same time I began to look outside of my current job for places where I could “step out” towards my deeper passion and dream of helping people. I did this in as many ways as I could – taking workshops, volunteering, reaching out to established authors, speakers, and coaches, talking to people about my goals and dreams, reading books, and much more.
When I got laid off from my dot-com in the middle of 2000 – Steve’s question reverberated within me deeply. I knew that the bold thing for me to do at that point, even though I still didn’t have a clue about how to go about it, was to step out of my box, take a huge leap, and do what I could to become a speaker, coach, and author.
It wasn’t easy, and there were many times I wanted to quit – but I kept challenging myself to be bold and to go for it, even when I didn’t think I could. It took me six months from the time I got laid off to launch my speaking and coaching business, another two or three years before I was able to establish myself in any significant way, and seven years before I published my first book.
No Risk, No Reward
Stepping out of our own box is essential to living with authenticity and creating true fulfillment in our work. We often don’t think we’re ready, we may not know exactly what we’re supposed to do, and we almost never have a guarantee that things will work out.
Will we get scared and face challenges? Of course. Will we fail? Most likely, especially at first. As the cliche says, “no risk, no reward.” When we’re willing to put ourselves at risk and go for what we truly want in a bold way, amazing things can happen.
Stepping out of our box doesn’t always involve something big like changing careers, moving to a new place, starting a business, ending a relationship, or traveling around the world (although it could). It simply means we’re willing to do, say, or act in a way that is new, different, and/or vulnerable. When we choose to push past our perceived limits and go for it – we always learn and grow, regardless of the outcome.
As you do this, make sure to get support, have compassion, and be gentle with yourself in the process. And remember: life is not a competition.
We all grow and learn at our own pace. While it can be scary and often counterintuitive, we’re here to evolve and one of the most important things we can do in this regard is to step out of our box in a conscious and bold way!
What are you willing to do today to step out of your box and go for what you really want in your life? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.
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Love Yourself, and the Rest Will Follow
This article was originally published in November 2010 and updated for 2023.
I learned about the powerful concept of Be, Do, Have several years ago.
Most of us think we need to have a certain things (more money, love, time, experience, etc.), so that we can finally do what we truly want to do (go for a promotion, pursue our passion, start a business, go on vacation, create a relationship, buy a home, etc.), in order to be what we truly want to be (peaceful, successful, fulfilled, inspired, generous, in love, etc.). In actuality, it works the other way around.
When we focus on being what we want (joyful, confident, abundant, accomplished, and more), we can start doing things from this powerful state of being – and soon we discover that what we’re doing winds up bringing us the things we’ve always wanted to have.
Whether or not this concept is new to you and even if on the surface it may seem either counter-intuitive or confusing (or both), it’s actually life-altering when we really get it and practice it in our lives.
I have personally experienced the profound impact of living in alignment with this Be, Do, Have paradigm – although sometimes I forget, don’t trust it, or simply assume it can’t really work like this.
Over the past few years while dealing with lots of challenges and uncertainty, I’ve seen myself fall into a familiar, but unhealthy pattern. Sometimes when I get stressed or anxious, I go unconscious, hunker down, and try to grind things out – assuming that if I just work harder, make things happen, and get on top of my long to-do list, everything will work out. This usually doesn’t work so well, and it can be exhausting.
In addition, in the midst of my hustling and fear, the cynic in me comes out and says, “All of this psychobabble is meaningless – it’s really all about discipline, focus, and luck.”
Maybe you relate to this?
Well, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being cynical and resigned (two states of being I’m not a huge fan of but seem to have quite a bit of experience with), doesn’t usually help us manifest our dreams or live in a state of fulfillment, gratitude, or peace.
Making our most important goals happen is supposed to be hard, painful, and dramatic, right? Well, maybe it doesn’t have to be.
Living in alignment with the principle of Be, Do, Have
What if we were able to live in alignment with this powerful principle of Be, Do, Have more of the time? What if we remembered that we have the capacity to experience any state of being at any time – not just when things work out perfectly or we achieve exactly what we’re after.
There’s nothing wrong with us pursuing our dreams with passion. However, when we erroneously think that the accomplishment of any particular goal will give us what we truly want to have in life, we delude ourselves and set ourselves up for failure, disappointment, and pain.
Remembering to focus on how we truly want to be creates the context for how we think, feel, and act (some of the key raw materials for how we ultimately create our reality) which gives us access to what we’re really after.
We don’t have to suffer and struggle as much as we do, we actually have the capacity to live our life with a true sense of elegance (the deeper meaning of this word is not about the appearance of something but is about being able to put forth a small amount of focused effort, and manifest an abundant result).
How to remember and practice being who we want to be
Here are a few things we can do to practice being who and how we want to be in life.
1. Think of one of your biggest goals right now.
What is it that you think the accomplishment of this goal will bring you (i.e. fulfillment, joy, abundance, peace, success, freedom, etc.)
2. Start embodying the state of being that you assume will come from the accomplishment of this goal now.
For example, you may start being joyful. It’s not about “faking it,” it’s about authentically embodying the desired state of being you truly want in your life.
3. From this state of being, think and talk about the kinds of specific actions you might want to take.
Allow yourself to sit with this for a while, don’t be in too much of a hurry. If you really give yourself permission to come from this empowered state of being, the actions will start to show up with ease and your ability to both take them and allow them to work will increase exponentially.
4. Have fun with this, get support, and know that you will probably trip and fall along the way.
As we’ve all heard many times, but it is important to reiterate here, we are human beings, not human doings. When we remember this, our life can really take off in a profound and fulfilling way.
Feel free to leave a comment, question, or response to this post in the comments section.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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Are You Avoiding a Difficult Conversation?
Why Taking Breaks Is So Important
This article was originally published in October 2009 and updated for 2023.
How do you feel about self-love?
More importantly, how well do you love yourself?
For most of us, loving ourselves is something we may know is important, but often have difficulty actually feeling, expressing, and embodying.
I’ve spent much of my life – as a student, an athlete, in business, in relationships, and in general – struggling with worthiness and perfectionism. Most people I know and work with have some version of “I’m not good enough” that negatively impacts their life, their work, and their relationships.
As we celebrate Valentine’s Day and think about the important people in our lives whom we love (or the fact that we wish we had more love in our lives), much of our focus tends to be outward and not inward.
Love Yourself, and the Rest Will Follow
Self-love is what we’re often searching for – in our work, our relationships, and our lives. Sadly, we spend most of our time thinking that someone or something else can give us what only we can give ourselves.
To be truly fulfilled, we have to find the love within us and give it to ourselves.
No other person, material possession, or accomplishment can do it. It’s up to us.
One of the best gifts we can give to the people around us is to love ourselves in a genuine way. As my mom used to say to me when I was young, “You can’t love anyone else, until you love yourself.” She was right, but this is often much easier said than done.
How to Deepen Your Capacity for Loving Yourself
Here are a few things to think about and practice as you deepen your capacity for loving yourself:
1) Notice your relationship to self love
How do you feel about self-love and self-care? How comfortable are you with these important things and what resistance do you have to loving and caring for yourself?
Being honest about your own relationship to self-love is the first step in altering it. Many of us have not been encouraged or taught to love ourselves. We have also not seen many healthy models of self-love around us.
We’re often much better at being hard on ourselves than we are at being kind and loving towards ourselves. Based on these and other factors, self-love can be a bit tricky. Once we tell the truth about how we relate to self-love, we can start to expand our ability to love ourselves in a more real way.
2) Let go of your conditions.
When it comes to loving ourselves, if we even put much attention on it, we often do so in a very conditional way. We love ourselves only when we do “good” things, “succeed” in specific ways, or take care of ourselves in ways we deem important.
While there’s nothing wrong with us feeling good about ourselves in relation to these and other positive things, truly loving ourselves is an unconditional process – which means accepting, appreciating, and celebrating all of who we are, both light and dark.
By letting go of our conditions and loving ourselves unconditionally, – like the way we often love babies, animals, or others we have little or no specific expectations of – we can start to deepen our authentic love for ourselves.
3) Start practicing, right now.
Do anything and everything you can to express love for yourself – right now, not after you think you “deserve” it.
Since most of us have some resistance to loving ourselves, taking any and every self-loving action we can think of is important.
There are lots of things we can do – both big and small – to practice loving ourselves. Speaking kindly about ourselves, taking compliments graciously, taking care of ourselves, honoring and embracing our emotions, pampering ourselves, celebrating our successes (and failures), appreciating and loving our “flaws,” and much more are all simple (although not always easy) things we can do to practice self-love.
Also, be willing to ask for help and look to others who seem to do a good job with self-love and self-care, so you can get the support and guidance that you need. Loving ourselves is a life-long, never ending practice.
Self love is the starting point, not the end game, of our conscious growth and development.
For most of us, myself included, it’s much easier to talk about loving ourselves than it is to actually practice it. However, when we put our attention on loving ourselves in an authentic way, everything in our lives that is important to us – our work, our relationships, our goals, our health, our team, our family, our community, and more – flows from there with a greater sense of ease, joy, and, most importantly, love.
What do you love about yourself? How can you expand your capacity for self-love in a way that will positively impact you, those around you, and your entire life? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
Are You Avoiding a Difficult Conversation?
Facing Challenges: How to Appreciate and Learn From Them
This article was originally published in February 2010 and updated for 2023.
A number of years ago a mentor of mine said something really important to me. He told me that there is often one thing that stands between me and the kind of relationships I really want to have.
When I asked what that was, he said, “It’s usually a ten-minute, sweaty-palmed conversation that you’re too afraid to have.”
He went on to say, “It’s engaging effectively in these difficult conversations that help build fantastic relationships. But, if you do like most people and you avoid them, you’ll end up giving away a lot of your power to others and creating unnecessary difficulty.”
His wisdom and insight was spot on, and I’ve been sharing it with others ever since he said it to me.
And although I’ve had my fair share of difficult conversations over the years, and in most cases they have gone well, allowed me to resolve conflicts with others, and created a deeper level of trust and connection in my relationships, I’m still amazed at how easy it is for me to avoid talking about hard things due to my fear of the discomfort or repercussions.
Why Do We Avoid Difficult Conversations?
When we find justifications for not having these difficult conversations, it doesn’t serve us or those around us. In fact, it takes an enormous amount of energy.
So why do we do this? Why do we avoid sweaty-palmed conversations, or worse, end up gossiping, complaining, and actively blaming others for our own discomfort? I think there are a number of reasons we do this, but here are a few of the big ones:
1. We live in a culture of blame and avoidance.
It’s much easier and more socially acceptable to blame others when something happens we don’t like or to simply avoid dealing with a conflict. Most of us weren’t taught in school, at home, or as we’ve moved into our adult lives how to effectively deal with conflict in a healthy and productive way, so we aren’t all that well-equipped to address it.
2. We’ve all had painful experiences in our past trying to deal with difficult situations and conversations.
From the most extreme to the somewhat mild, each of us has experienced pain, hurt, disappointment, shame, failure, and more in our attempts to address a conflict, stand up for ourselves, or engage in a touchy discussion. These experiences often cause us to protect ourselves in one way or another.
3. Difficult conversations make us vulnerable
Talking about stuff like this makes us vulnerable and it can be quite scary, both because of our past experiences and also because by doing so we expose ourselves to those specific things we don’t want to experience – pain, hurt, disappointment, shame, failure, and more.
It takes courage to have these sweaty-palmed conversations (which sometimes take more than ten minutes, of course). More often than not, we’d rather be safe than risk looking bad, making things worse, or doing damage to ourselves, our relationships, and others.
It’s also important to acknowledge that our lack of safety can also be tied to our race, gender, orientation, positional power (or lack thereof), and a number of other factors, all of which make being vulnerable more difficult and even downright scary.
What to Think About When Dealing With a Difficult Conversation
Here are a few things to think about and remember when dealing with a conflict or difficult conversation:
1) Take responsibility
It always “takes two to tango.” Taking responsibility is not about being at fault or blaming the other person, it’s about owning up to the situation and recognizing that we are a part of the issue. It’s also about honestly feeling and expressing our emotions with authenticity.
2) Address the conflict directly
Conflicts are always handled most successfully when they’re dealt with directly and promptly. Be real and vulnerable when you approach someone with an issue and make sure to do so as soon as possible. Don’t let it fester.
3) Seek first to understand
As challenging as it can be, the best approach in any conflict situation is to listen with as much understanding, compassion, and empathy as possible – even and especially when you’re feeling angry or defensive. If you can understand where the other person is coming from, even if you don’t agree, you have a good chance of being able to work things out.
4) Use “I” statements
If someone does or says something and you have a specific reaction to it, that’s real. If you judge someone, make a generalization about them, or accuse them of something, not only is it not “true” (it’s just your opinion) it will most likely trigger a defensive response from them. It’s important to own your feedback as yours, not speak it like the “truth.” Using “I” statements allows you to speak from a place of truth, ideally without blame, judgment, or self-righteousness.
5) Go for a win-win
The only real way to have a conflict resolved authentically is if it’s a true win-win for everyone involved. This doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gets his or her way. It does, however, mean that everyone gets heard, honored, and listened to. And, when and if possible – it’s important to make compromises that leave everyone empowered and in partnership.
6) Acknowledge others
Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation or a situation that involves lots of people, acknowledgment is essential to our ability to engage in productive conflict and to be able to resolve it in an authentic and effective way. Thank the other people involved in the hard conversation and for being willing to engage. Thank them for speaking their truth.
7) Get support and have compassion for yourself in the process
Often these difficult conversations and situations bring up fear and cut to the core of your most vulnerable insecurities. Because of this, it’s important to reach out to others for authentic support (not agreement) who can help both in a practical and emotional sense. It’s also important to have compassion with yourself as you attempt to engage in these difficult conversations.
While these conversations aren’t usually all that fun or enjoyable, they are necessary and essential to your ability to build trust, navigate the complexity of work and life, and create the kind of relationships, families, and teams you truly want.
What can you do right now to have any difficult conversations you have been avoiding in a healthy and authentic way? What support do you need? Leave a comment about this here on my blog.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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Why Taking Breaks Is So Important
The Importance of Letting Go of Control
This article was originally published in September 2014 and updated for 2023.
A few years ago, I got some specific feedback that it would serve me, my work, and my growth to start practicing the art of allowing in a more conscious and deliberate way.
While I was familiar with the concept of allowing, I realized I had little awareness or experience of it in actual practice.
As I looked more deeply at it, I realized that I had a judgment about the whole concept of “allowing.” It had always seemed weak, passive, lazy, or based on “luck” to me. I’ve always prided myself on being a hard worker and someone who makes things happen.
However, as I’ve come to realize, much of my intense work ethic has to do with a deep-seated fear that if I ever slow down, stop pushing so hard, or simply expect things to just show up with ease, the whole house of cards of my life and my work might simply come crashing down around me.
Can you relate?
The Power of Acceptance
The art of allowing is an essential aspect of life and growth. It’s also a critical aspect of our success and fulfillment. The first aspect of allowing has to do with us accepting things as they are. One of my favorite quotes on this is from author and teacher Byron Katie who says, “When you argue with reality, you lose – but only 100% of the time.”
When we’re able to allow people, things, and situations to be as they are without judging them, trying to fix them, or wanting them to be some other way than how they actually are, we begin to tap into the immense power of allowing. Ironically and somewhat paradoxically, when we truly allow things and people to be exactly as they are, we open up a space for real change and transformation to occur (if that is what we want).
Trust, Patience, and Faith
The deeper aspect of allowing has to do with trusting, being patient, and having faith that what we want to manifest, create, and experience can and will show up as it is meant to.
In other words, it’s an ability to allow things to happen and materialize without us having to manipulate, dominate, or control to make things happen. For those of us, myself included, who tend to be a bit controlling at times, this can be incredibly challenging.
The paradox that exists with allowing runs deep within us. So many of us were taught and believe the saying that “if it is to be, it’s up to me.” And while there is truth and wisdom in this philosophy, as many of us know, feeling as though we have to work hard, run fast, keep up, and make everything happen is exhausting and insatiable.
No matter how hard we work, what we try to fix, or all of the changes we intend to make, if we don’t learn, practice, and ultimately master the art of allowing – true success and fulfillment will always elude us. Never underestimate the power of patience. Action is important, but we have to also learn to balance it out with our ability to allow.
Allowing takes faith, patience, and trust – three things essential for our peace of mind and well-being in life. However, these are not things we focus on, learn about, or are encouraged to practice in our intense, fast-paced, results-oriented culture.
The art of allowing is truly an art and often runs contrary to societal norms and pressures. It has to do with remembering, as the well-known saying goes, “We’re human beings, not human doings.”
How to Enhance Your Ability to Allow in Your Life
Here are a few things to think about and practice as you enhance your capacity and ability to allow with more ease in your life.
1. Ask yourself how you relate to the concept of “allowing.”
Take some inventory of your relationship with this idea. How do you feel about it? How comfortable are you allowing things and people to be as they are and allowing things to manifest with ease in your life? For many of us, this is something we may understand but not practice. Tell the truth to yourself about how you relate to allowing and notice how this impacts your life – one way or another.
2. Pay attention to what you focus on in regards to your biggest goals and aspirations.
Think about your biggest goals, dreams, and aspirations in your life right now. How much of your attention and energy is focused on doing, and how much is focused on allowing? While both doing and allowing are important, most of us put a disproportionate amount of attention on action.
Increasing our focus on allowing and ultimately receiving can be a magical, relaxing, and incredibly effective way to relate to our goals and dreams. This is often one of the big missing pieces in our desire for success and, more importantly, fulfillment.
3. Create an allowing practice
This is a simple practice you can do daily (like prayer, meditation, quiet reflection, affirmation, etc.) where you put your attention and awareness on allowing – accepting things as they are, trusting that things are working out as they are meant to, believing that the feelings, experiences, accomplishments, and outcomes which you most desire are on their way, and allowing yourself to receive these gifts and blessings with ease and gratitude.
You may need to reach out to others for support, guidance, and feedback about creating or deepening an allowing practice that will work for you – but doing this is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself (as well as to those around you).
Remember – We’re All in This Together
Have fun with this, and have compassion for yourself as well. For most of us, the art of allowing is a lot easier to think about or talk about than it actually is to practice and embody. The more attention we put on it, however, the easier it gets. And, as we deepen our ability and capacity to allow – our whole life can transform with ease, grace, and gratitude.
How are you at allowing? What can you do to allow things to be as they are and also allow things to show up with ease in your life? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
Why Taking Breaks Is So Important
The Importance of Embracing Emotions (Including Anger)
This article was originally published in March 2010 and updated for 2023.
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