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Would you like to be more effective at appreciating people around you?
Think about someone who’s shown you an act of kindness. What did they do or say that made you feel appreciated?
It can be as simple as a smile or a thank you, or, more significantly, lending a hand on a project or offering a shoulder to cry on.
No matter how big or small the act of appreciation is, we usually don’t forget the gesture and the impact.
I’ve been researching, writing, and speaking about appreciation for almost twenty-five years. One of the most important things I have learned is the distinction between recognition and appreciation.
The Power of Appreciation: Recognition vs. Appreciation
Recognition refers to the way we reward the actions of those around us. It’s important, since most of us like to be recognized, especially at work. We often get upset when we don’t get recognized, especially when we think we deserve it.
As important as recognition is, it’s also limited for a few reasons. First, recognition is always based on past actions, so it’s pretty limited in terms of anticipating the future. Plus, people can react to recognition in different ways, meaning that it can motivate them in different ways, too.
Perhaps the biggest issue with recognition is the fact that it focuses more on outcomes than people.
On the other hand, appreciation is about recognizing the inherent value of people. It’s about who people are, and less about what they have done or are doing. For example, a performance award is a type of recognition that’s based on a result which has to be earned. While there is nothing wrong with this, it’s inherently conditional.
Appreciation is not based on an outcome—you can tell someone that you’re grateful for them, let them know why you care about them, or acknowledge the value they bring, regardless of their performance.
If we want to ensure that the people around us feel cared about, we must acknowledge who they are as human beings rather than focusing solely on their accomplishments. In fact, sometimes, the most important time to appreciate someone is after they’ve failed or made a mistake. While we can’t always recognize the outcome, we can almost always acknowledge the effort and courage that it often takes to act.
Becoming a master at the art of appreciating others is about simultaneously recognizing the great things that people do, as well as proactively acknowledging them for who they are, the valuable qualities they have, and how they positively impact us and others by being who they are.
Appreciation in Action
Think of three people in your life who you interact with on a regular basis. What do you appreciate about each of them? Remember that it’s not about what they’ve done or accomplished, but who they are as people. It could be their attitude, commitment, friendship, humor, honesty, passion, wisdom, humility, kindness, joy, curiosity or many other qualities. As you think about each of these people, reflect on the ways they have positively impacted you and those around you.
Once you’ve had a chance to think about what you appreciate about these important people – reach out to them by phone or text to let them know. While it might feel a bit vulnerable for you and/or for them, if you share your appreciation with them genuinely, not only will it most likely touch and inspire them, it may also have a positive impact on you, your relationship with them, and any group or team you might be a part of with them. Have fun with it and be as generous, authentic, and courageous as possible.
Do you have thoughts on appreciation? Share them in the comments below. And if you enjoyed this blog post, here are three more to check out:
Apologize Authentically
Resolving Conflict
Expand your Capacity for Trust
In today’s competitive culture, it’s easy to lose touch with what really matters. But we should keep in mind that the way we go about something can be just as meaningful as the results we produce.
Some time ago, I came across an incredibly inspiring video that brought me to tears. This timeless story involves a remarkable example of sportsmanship that took place on a college softball field. The video is listed below for you to check out – you don’t want to miss it:
This video is one of the best examples of doing the right thing that I’ve seen. As I watched it, I was reminded of the fact that life is about much more than winning and losing. Rather, it’s about reaching out and supporting one another as human beings.
Sometimes, it’s easy for us to forget this in our pursuit of success and results. This video is a great reminder that it’s not really about who wins or who loses. Instead, it’s how we play the game that truly matters.
Here are some examples of what we can do to make sure we’re playing the game the right way, focusing on what matters most, and keeping things in perspective.
Play Fair
Fairness is all about respecting the rules—even when you’re not the one who comes out on top.
The rules apply to everyone. When we follow the rules, we make sure that we’re able to make the best decisions we can. Doing this makes it more likely for people to get treated as fairly as possible.
Fairness and honesty go hand-in-hand. If you make a mistake, don’t be afraid to own up to it. Accepting the consequences of our own actions sets a strong example for the people around us, as it shows that no one is truly above the law.
Treat People with Respect
Respect is about taking the thoughts and feelings of the people around us into consideration. We’re all deserving of the same courtesy and concern as anyone else.
That’s true even for the people we don’t really like. Over the course of our lives, we’ll come into contact with all sorts of people who fall into this category, from tough bosses to difficult family members. Remember that they deserve the same respect as anyone else, and treat them with the same level of kindness.
Work as a Team
Our teammates are our greatest assets. After all, when we work together, there’s no limit to what we’ll be able to achieve.
People come with all sorts of different strengths, which can be useful in all sorts of different situations. In order to support the people on our team, we can talk to them about what we can do to help them on their path to success. What do they need to succeed? How can we support them along the way?
Cheer for their wins, and console them when they make mistakes. Not only is it the right thing to do, but it also sets a precedent for how everyone on the team treats and supports one another.
Keep a Positive Attitude
Being on a team isn’t always easy. At times, our teammates will fail. At other times, they’ll make mistakes. We’re likely to make mistakes along the way, too—after all, that’s part of what it means to be a human being.
In these challenging moments, it’s easy to get down on ourselves and others. We may feel overwhelmed with feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and disappointment. We can acknowledge these emotions and any difficulties we encounter, and still choose to operate with an authentically positive attitude. It’s a choice and is always up to us.
Learn How to Lose
The path to success is often paved with all sorts of failures. Failure isn’t the opposite of success, it’s part of it.
At the end of the day, losing is all about perspective. What matters most is how we handle the losses and what we learn from them.
We can’t control the outcomes, but we can choose how we play the game…which is actually as important as how things turn out in the end anyway.
What are your thoughts on how we play the game of life? Share your ideas and insights in the comment section below.
If you liked this article, here are three more you might want to check out.
How to lean into our fears
Living on purpose
What we can change
Leaning into our fear in a proactive way can be incredibly effective and empowering, yet also quite scary and uncomfortable.
When I think of this with my own fears, I see a mental image of myself in a wind tunnel physically leaning forward with all of my might so I won’t get blown over.
So often we run away, hide, or avoid our fears because they can be hard to feel and face. However, very little that means much to us in life shows up without any fear or resistance attached to it.
Leaning into our fears is such an important part of growth and success. It pushes us out of our comfort zone. By facing what scares us, we can gain new confidence, overcome challenges, and build a mental toughness that makes us more resilient.
What if we spent more time leaning into our fears and less energy running away from them? I think this would dramatically alter our work, relationships, and life.
How to Lean in to Your Fears
1. Be honest about your fears
Everyone gets scared – it’s part of being human. However, the issue with fear is often not the fear itself, but our resistance or denial of the fear that becomes a problem.
Being honest with ourselves about our fears allows us to identify and understand what holds us back, paving the way for meaningful change. This self-awareness leads to growth and empowers us to take control of our lives.
2. Own your fears
See if you can spend some time and energy today and this week leaning into your fears more. This means admitting them, owning them, and facing them head on. We actually know how to transform our fear because we’ve done it many times throughout our lives. Lean on others, talk to God (or whatever higher power resonates with you), connect with that place within you that knows you can handle anything, and believe in yourself.
Owning our fears is key to real growth. When we acknowledge what scares us, we can effectively address it head-on. This honesty boosts our confidence and helps us break barriers. By facing our fears, we become ready to take on whatever comes our way.
3. Create a relationship with your fear
The more we lean into our fear, the more we can learn. When we’re not so afraid of our fears, we take back our power in a beautiful and courageous way. Will we still get scared? Of course. The point is not to get rid of our fear (which, by the way, will never happen until we die), the point is to create a relationship with our fear so that it doesn’t stop us from going for what we truly want and living the life of our dreams.
When we get to know what scares us, we can navigate it much more successfully. Instead of running away, we can courageously face our fears, making us stronger and more confident.
Leaning into our fears pushes us beyond our limits, opening doors to new possibilities and opportunities. By facing what scares us, we can transform fear into strength, paving the way for a more fulfilling and courageous life.
Let’s LEAN IN and trust that things will always work out…they almost always do anyway.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
Asking for Help
Resolving Conflict
Are You Living on Purpose?
This article was originally published in 2007 and updated for 2024.
How do you feel about conflict?
Many of us struggle with conflict resolution. We find creative ways to avoid conflicts or even get scared to initiate or engage in conversations that may result in a conflict. Whether we’re comfortable with conflict or not, it’s a part of life, relationships, and work – and always will be.
When we look at conflict more deeply, we realize that it is a vital aspect of growth, change, and every important relationship in our life. The pain, suffering, and stress caused by conflict doesn’t usually come from the conflict itself, it comes from our avoidance of it or inability to deal with it effectively.
Many of us don’t know how to resolve conflict because we have not been trained to engage in conflict resolution in a healthy, productive, and authentic way. This lack of guidance and experience often leads us to avoid conflict altogether or, when we do engage, we end up focusing on protecting ourselves, simply trying to ‘win,’ or both.
The more we embrace and embody authenticity, the more effectively we’re able to engage in and resolve conflict in an honest and successful way. Here are some important components of conflict resolution for us to remember and practice.
Tips on Resolving Conflict
1) Take responsibility
It always “takes two to tango.” Taking responsibility is not about being at fault or blaming the other person. It’s about owning up to the situation and recognizing that we’re a part of the issue.
2) Address the conflict directly
Conflicts are best resolved when addressed head-on and without delay. Approach the issue with honesty and openness, and tackle it as soon as it arises—don’t let it linger and grow.
3) Seek first to understand
As challenging as it can be, the best approach in any conflict situation is to listen with as much understanding, compassion, and empathy as possible, even – and especially – when we’re feeling angry or defensive. If we can understand where the other person is coming from, even if we don’t agree, we have a good chance of being able to work things out.
4) Use “I” statements
If someone does or says something and I have a specific reaction to it, that’s real. However, if I judge, generalize, or accuse someone, it’s merely my biased opinion and can provoke defensiveness if it’s communicated in a self-righteous way. It’s important to present feedback as our own personal view rather than as an objective truth.
5) Go for a win-win
Resolving conflict authentically is about making it a win-win for everyone involved. This doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gets his or her way. It does, however, mean that everyone gets heard, honored, and listened to. When and if possible, we make compromises that leave everyone empowered and in partnership.
6) Acknowledge others
Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation or a situation that involves lots of people, acknowledgement is essential to our ability to engage in productive conflict and to be able to resolve it in an authentic and effective way. Thank the other people involved in the conflict for being willing and able to engage. Thank them for their truth and bravery.
It takes real courage to engage in conflict honestly. When we acknowledge each other, operate with kindness and humility, and remember that vulnerability is the most important aspect of resolving conflicts effectively, we’re reminded that we’re in it together.
There are essentially two effective ways to handle conflicts: address them directly until they’re fully resolved (not just until we get our way) or let them go entirely (not discussing or dwelling on them). While we know how to do both, we often choose a third approach, which fails: trying to address the conflict ineffectively and then complaining to others about how right we are and how wrong the other person or situation is.
Think of some of the biggest conflicts in your life right now. Are you ready to resolve them? If so, decide whether you’re willing to let them go or not. If not, make a commitment to yourself to engage in them using these steps above and do so in an honest, genuine, and vulnerable way. Don’t wait until it’s too late – have the conversation now.
Which conflicts in your life are you willing to let go of? Which ones are you willing to address directly? Share your thoughts, ideas, commitments, and more here on my blog.
Like this article? Here are three more!
Are You Living on Purpose?
It’s Okay for Things to Go Well
What We CAN Change
Are you living on purpose, or are there aspects of your life that, when you really think about it, don’t seem to have much purpose at all?
This kind of realization can be both humbling and enlightening. But taking the time to sit in this important inquiry can help lead us to a more purposeful life.
By asking yourself the right questions and really being honest with yourself, you can become aware of some of the specific places in life where you are operating unconsciously or by default, simply reacting to life as it’s “happening to you.”
It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling as though you’re a victim of your circumstances and responsibilities.
2 Distinct Aspects of Living on Purpose
As I’ve thought more about this whole concept of living on purpose, I think there are two distinct aspects of it.
- There is “Purpose” with a capital “P,” which relates to figuring out and living true to who we are, what’s most important to us, and our larger reason for being alive.
- Then there is “purpose” with a lower case “p,” which relates to the level of consciousness, mindfulness, and deliberateness with which we live our lives on a daily basis.
Both of these aspects of purpose are important to our overall fulfillment, yet they are distinct.
Living Our Purpose
Living our Purpose (with a capital P) is a lot easier said than done for most of us. First of all, we have to figure out what our Purpose is, which for some of us comes easily and early in life, and for others takes a long time. And, even for those of us who feel as though we’ve found our Purpose, it often shifts and changes as we evolve and age, sometimes in significant ways.
A good way to delve more deeply into your own Purpose is to ask the simple but important question, “If money and logistics weren’t an issue, what would I do and where would I focus my attention and energy?”
Asking and answering this simple but important question is something we can do on a regular basis, to check in with ourselves and see how true to our Purpose we’re living at any given moment in life.
Many of us struggle with the financial and practical aspects of life. Due to this, our daily lives often don’t fully align with our Purpose. This gap between our Purpose and how we actually live is common; it doesn’t mean we’re bad or wrong (even though we may judge ourselves harshly when we think about it this way).
The size and significance of our personal gap does, however, have an impact on us – the larger the gap, the more out of alignment we may feel. The smaller the gap, the more “on purpose” we may experience our lives. Our level of awareness of our gap, and our willingness to take action in the direction of narrowing the gap, is what will lead us to a life of deeper Purpose.
It’s also important to remember that this process is unique for each of us – there’s no right way to do it. Living our Purpose is about acceptance, willingness, authenticity, vulnerability, and courage. And, like most important things in life, it’s a journey, not a destination.
Living on purpose
Living on purpose (with a lowercase p) is about how we live our lives on a daily basis.
How conscious are you? How mindful are you? How deliberate are you? The answers to these questions will vary for each of us based on a variety of factors, and can even vary for most of us throughout the course of a given day, week, or month of our lives.
As fast as life seems to be moving these days, as much information and communication as we’re exposed to, and as many responsibilities as most of us have, it’s easy to let the rat race of life take over without us even being fully aware of it.
Living with purpose is a practice that involves being conscious, mindful, and deliberate in both the big and small aspects of life. It means slowing down, speaking up, taking risks, making tough choices, asking for what we want, dealing with conflicts directly, expressing our appreciation for others, taking care of ourselves, and remembering that we are the authors of our own lives. These are just a few of the many ways we can live purposefully every day.
It’s Not Always Easy
Living our Purpose and living on purpose are not easy, and in many cases, not even authentically encouraged by those around us. There is a lot of agreement within our culture that “you have to just suck it up and take care of business,” or that life is hard, especially days and with all we’ve been through in recent years.
These types of thoughts and beliefs show up in my head on a pretty regular basis, and I hear them from people around me directly or indirectly all the time. However, just because we have these common thoughts or beliefs, doesn’t make them true or helpful.
For us to live our Purpose and live on purpose, it takes authentic self awareness and radical courage. And, as author Susan Jeffers taught us, “feel the fear and do it anyway.”
How on purpose are you living these days? Feel free to share your thoughts, questions, or reflections in the comments below.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
Asking For Help
The Power of No
Stop ‘Shoulding’ On Yourself
See Mike Speak
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