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As a former professional athlete and someone who has worked in and with sales organizations for the past 25 years, I know a few things about positive competition and negative competition.
As a leadership consultant and executive coach, I’ve seen competition play out in both healthy and unhealthy ways within teams and companies for many years.
Some studies state that competition can motivate employees, resulting in better results. It can also increase effort, which leads to higher performance.
On the other hand, negative competition can elicit a sense of fear in employees, who can feel threatened or pressured in unhealthy ways. Fear can cause severe anxiety in the workplace.
Competition is part of life, and especially of business. You can constructively harness competition in a productive way for teams, but it can also be incredibly damaging and detrimental to a team or company’s culture.
So, it’s essential to understand that there are two types of competition: negative and positive competition.
What Are the Differences Between Positive Competition and Negative Competition?
Negative Competition
Negative competition occurs when we compete with others so that we want to win at the expense of the other person or people involved.
In other words, our success is predicated on their failure. Negative competition is a zero-sum game and is based on the adolescent notion that if we win, we’re “good,” and if we lose, we’re “bad.”
The main difference between negative and positive competition is the types of emotions people feel surrounding the competition. These emotions can make certain kinds of people behave very differently.
Negative competition is all about being better than or feeling inferior to others — based on outcomes or accomplishments. In a team setting, negative internal competition shuts down trust and psychological safety and is detrimental to the culture. It usually takes one of three forms:
- One person competing against another person on the team
- One person competing against the entire team
- One team competing against another team within the organization
What is Positive Competition?
Positive competition occurs when we compete healthily — in a way that brings out the best in us and everyone involved. It’s a way to challenge yourself and others while pushing those around you. It allows you to tap into your potential and succeed.
When we compete in this positive way, we aren’t rooting for others to fail or become obsessed with winning at all costs. We realize that we aren’t “good” or “bad” and that the result doesn’t determine our value as human beings.
Of course, we may “win,” or we may “lose” the competition we’re engaged in, and there are times when the outcome has a significant impact and is important. Positive competition is about growth, grit, and taking ourselves and our team to the next level.
When we compete positively, it benefits us and anyone else involved. Here are some of the many benefits of positive competition:
- Sparks creativity
- Motivates others
- Increases effort
- Increases productivity
- It helps people assess their strengths and weaknesses
- Increases the quality of work
- Keeps you alert
An Example of Positive Competition
A straightforward example of positive competition comes from exercise.
Think about how you feel when you work out with others. Not only does it motivate you, but it also keeps you accountable.
Working out with another person is a positive, practical strategy for getting in shape because having a workout partner creates accountability, support, and motivation.
Let’s say you and I decided to work out together regularly, and we picked a few different activities such as running, biking, and tennis that we’d do a few times a week. And let’s imagine we decided to add a little competition to make it more interesting. If we negatively competed against each other, I would obsess with figuring out how to run faster, bike farther, and beat you at tennis.
And if I got really into it, I might find myself feeling stressed before we worked out, and after we got done, I’d be either happy or upset depending on how I did in comparison to you on a particular day. I might even find myself taunting you if I “won” or feeling defensive, jealous, or angry if I “lost.”
However, if we went about these same activities in a positively competitive way, we could still compete to win in tennis or race each other in running or biking.
We wouldn’t waste our time and energy attaching too much meaning to the outcome but instead realized that we would both get a better workout by pushing one another past our perceived limitations. We would both get a better workout, helping each of us be as healthy and fit as possible.
It is really important for us to let go of negative comparisons to reach our full potential.
Pay Attention to Competition
In a team setting, it’s essential to pay attention to competition. One great way to create a positive work environment is through positive, healthy competition (learn more about creating a positive work environment here).
We all have the capacity for both positive and negative competition. When we are aware of our own and others’ competitive tendencies, it is easier to talk about and pay attention to them when they manifest themselves.
Think about championship teams and how they embrace competition. They harness its positive power to fuel individual and collective growth and success.
Creating a culture of positive competition can bring out the best in us and everyone on the team.
And at the end of the day, remember that life is not a competition.
Step into a more authentic version of positive competition that can empower you and those around you to reach new heights in all areas of life and business.
Are you competing positively or negatively? What can you do to create an environment of positive competition around you?
I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. As an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today.
Feel free to leave any comments here or directly on my blog. You can also listen to my podcast here.
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The Important Benefits of Being Grateful at Work
Distract Yourself in Healthy Ways
Why Empathy is Important: How to Become More Empathetic
This article was originally published on August 14, 2018 as an excerpt from my book, Bring Your Whole Self to Work (published by Hay House). This article has been updated for 2021.
With all that is going on in our lives and in the world around us, especially these days, it is understandable that many of us are looking for ways to distract ourselves.
As an executive coach and consultant, I work with clients who deal with this all the time, particularly right now.
Every day we face countless opportunities to distract ourselves – consciously or unconsciously.
Why? Distractions help us escape from the intensity of life in a variety of ways.
Because of this, we have to understand why and how certain things and situations distract us.
Once we understand why we make certain decisions, we can start distracting ourselves in healthy ways and for the right reasons.
So, what are unhealthy and healthy distractions, anyway?
The Difference Between Unhealthy and Healthy Distractions
Unhealthy distractions cause us to avoid certain feelings, situations, and activities that we find challenging or scary.
Because life can get quite intense and stressful, especially these days, we use creative ways to avoid things and feelings that make us uncomfortable.
Some examples of unhealthy distractions include:
- Food
- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Drama
- Obsessively doing any of the following (work, being on our phones, social media scrolling, watching TV/movies/videos, playing video games, etc.)
While some of these things can, in fact, be healthy if done consciously and in moderation, most often and definitely right now we engage in them in unhealthy ways. Although our reasons for doing this stuff may vary, most often it boils down to us not wanting to stop, feel, and deal with the intensity of our lives and what’s going on around us.
Productive Procrastination
The first step to understanding unhealthy patterns is becoming aware of them.
Once we become aware of our unhealthy patterns of distracting ourselves, we can replace some of these negative behaviors with more positive ones. I like to call this “productive procrastination.” Some examples include:
- Re-organizing our desk instead of making those scary phone calls
- Cleaning up the house instead of working on the creative project that we’ve been thinking about
- Exercising to relieve some stress, instead of rushing to the refrigerator to eat and numb out
- Curling up with an inspiring book or watching something that brings us joy
These and other things can “distract” us in more positive ways and have less of a negative impact on us in the long run.
What is important to remember about these healthy distractions is that we must engage in them in a deliberate way.
Do not engage in these “healthy” activities simply as a way to avoid dealing with your life, feeling certain uncomfortable emotions, or acknowledging the challenge of what’s going on around you.
Conscious, Healthy Distractions
The ultimate goal of this process is for us to be able to choose to “distract” ourselves (i.e., get out of our heads, let go of our negative worries, and take a conscious break from the day-to-day stress of life) in a truly healthy way.
When we have positive motivation, and we’re not avoiding anything but choosing consciously to take a break, the outcome and experience of our “distraction” is more likely to be healthy and beneficial.
Taking healthy breaks can help us lead better, more meaningful lives of growth and fulfillment.
It’s essential to take healthy breaks along the way, especially when things get hard, like they are for so many of us right now.
If we don’t take these breaks, it’s easy to let worry, fear, negativity, doubt, and the pressures of life take over, almost without us even noticing.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, it is crucial always to remember how strong you are. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to take breaks. We all need them.
How to Distract Yourself in a Healthy Way
Here’s a long list of some simple things you can do to “distract” yourself in a healthy way.
- Watch inspiring movies, shows, or videos
- Meditate
- Exercise
- Walk-in nature
- Listen to podcasts
- Sing
- Laugh
- Play with children
- Read inspiring books
- Help others
- Paint
- Connect with people you love
- Dance
- Take classes or workshops
- Write
- Listen to inspiring music
- Swim
- Sit and do nothing
This list could go on and on. Take a moment to reflect on these and other things that you can do that will positively impact your life right now. Be grateful that you can understand and recognize when you have to take breaks and do so when necessary.
It’s Not What You Do; It’s Why You Do It
On my podcast, I often talk about how we consciously “distract” ourselves in healthy ways when we do so with intention. Doing this allows us to interrupt the negative, unconscious, and habitual patterns of our minds and our culture that often get in the way of us experiencing the peace, joy, and abundance that is naturally and authentically around us and within us all the time.
This is so important for us to be mindful of, especially with all that is going on in our lives and in the world around us right now.
How can you distract yourself in healthy ways and for healthy reasons? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.
My book, Nothing Changes Until You Do, explores the delicate and complicated relationship we have with ourselves. Click here to learn more about it.
I have written five books about, among other things, the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. As an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today.
Feel free to leave any comments below.
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Trust is Granted, Not Earned
We’re All Doing the Best We Can
Who Do You Think You Are?
This article was originally published on May 12, 2010, and has been updated for 2021.
To understand how trust works, it’s important to remember that trust is granted, not earned.
Trust allows leaders, employees, relationships, and organizations to flourish and grow. It is fundamental to most everything in life.
Lack of trust can lead to damaging relationships and a hostile environment. It creates stress and lowers energy.
When there is a strong foundation of trust in an organization, it can enhance and improve the workplace environment through collaboration, teamwork, and honest and open communication.
The Secret Behind How Trust Works is That it Must be Granted, Not Earned
How easily do you grant your trust to other people? What factors play into your ability or inability to trust specific individuals around you? What do people need to do to earn your trust?
As I reflect on these questions, I’m reminded of the importance and complexity of trust in our lives, work, and relationships.
Trust is one of the most critical elements of healthy relationships, families, teams, organizations, and communities. However, many of us have an odd or disempowered relationship to trust – we’ve been taught that people must earn our trust when, in fact, it’s something we grant to others.
Do You Have Trust Issues?
As an executive coach and consultant, I deal with clients who have issues dealing with trust every day.
It’s common for people to have trust issues, especially if they have past experiences which caused them to mistrust others. Past experiences can make it challenging to build trust with others.
This lack of trust may result from a betrayal at an early age, complicated past relationships, or a multitude of other life experiences. Many people struggle to grant people trust because of these past experiences.
I learned early in my life that it wasn’t always safe to trust people – my folks split up when I was three and we struggled financially as a family. Based on where and how I grew up, I found myself in some difficult situations. Part of my “street-smart, survival kit” was to be very suspicious of just about everyone I came into contact with. While this did serve me to a certain degree as a child and adolescent (at least in terms of survival), as I got older, I noticed that my resistance to trusting others created some real issues in my life, my relationships, and my work.
No matter how many “tests” I put people through to have them “earn” my trust, at the end of that whole process, it was ultimately up to me to grant them my trust (or not) – and then to continue to trust them (or not).
How We Build Trust is Often Determined By Our Past, Negative Experiences
How trust works is that we each have our internal process about it, which is often based on past experiences. In other words, if we’re burned, disappointed, or hurt in life and then decide, “I’m not doing that again,” we put up barriers around ourselves to keep us “safe.”
While this makes rational sense, it usually leaves us guarded, cautious, and insecure – unable to build trust and easily create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with people.
The irony is that no matter how guarded we are, how thick the walls we put up, or what we do to keep ourselves from getting hurt and disappointed, it usually happens anyway.
One of my mentors said to me years ago, “Mike, you’re living as though you’re trying to survive life. You have to remember, no one ever has.”
It’s important to remember that everyone goes through bad experiences. Overcoming challenges can help us grow and remind us that we’re strong enough to carry on.
What if We Granted Our Trust More Easily?
What if we were willing to make ourselves vulnerable, to count on other peoples in a healthy way, and to expect the best from them authentically?
Michael Bernard Beckwith calls this being “consciously naïve,” which may seem a little oxymoronic on the surface, but is a wise and profound concept at a much deeper level.
Will I get hurt? Yes! Will we be let down? Most certainly. Will people violate our trust? Of course. However, this will happen anyway – it’s just part of life.
Ironically, the more we are willing to grant our trust consciously, the more likely we are to create a real sense of connection, cooperation, and collaboration in our lives, relationships, families, teams, and more – even if we feel scared to do so or it seems counter-intuitive at times.
We almost always get what we expect in life. What if we start expecting people to be there for us, to do things that are trust-worthy, and to have our backs and our best interests in mind? As with just about everything else in life, it’s a choice.
As Albert Einstein so brilliantly stated, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”
I choose “friendly,” how about you?
How easy is it for you to trust people? Are you willing to start granting your trust more easily? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
My book, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging, provides readers with a roadmap on how to build trust, collaborate, and operate at your peak level. Click here to learn more about it.
To learn more about how trust works, check out this blog post. You can also check out my podcast here.
I have written five books about, among other things, the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. As an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today.
Feel free to leave any comments below.
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The Magic of the Olympics
How We Move Forward…Together
Why Empathy is Important: How to Become More Empathetic
This article was originally published on June 17, 2010 and has been updated for 2021.
As an executive coach and consultant, my clients often ask me why empathy is so important.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines empathy as:
The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
Do you know why empathy is important, or what it is?
Here is Why Empathy is Important
Empathy is one of the most important aspects of creating strong relationships, reducing stress, and enhancing emotional awareness – yet it can be tricky at times.
For example, how can you be empathetic towards people you may not necessarily agree with?
I consider myself to be an empathetic person, but I notice that with certain people and in particular situations, my natural ability and desire to empathize can be diminished or almost non-existent, especially these days.
But there are so many benefits to empathy that most people aren’t even aware of. For example, I also notice that when I feel empathy for others and for myself, I feel a sense of peace, connection, and perspective that I like. And, when there is an absence of empathy in a particular relationship, situation, or in how I’m relating to myself, I often experience stress, disconnection, and negativity.
Can you relate?
Never underestimate the power of empathy.
But what is empathy anyway?
It’s important to understand that empathy is not sympathy.
When we’re sympathetic, we often pity someone else but maintain our distance (physically, mentally, and emotionally) from their feelings or experience.
Empathy is more a sense that we can truly understand, relate to, or imagine the depth of another person’s emotional state or situation.
It implies feeling with a person, rather than feeling sorry for a person.
Empathy is a translation of the German term Einfühlung, meaning “to feel as one with.” It implies sharing the load, or “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes,” in order to understand that person’s perspective.
The Benefits of Empathy
Another reason why empathy is so important is that it’s one of the best ways we can enhance our relationships, reduce our stress levels, and feel good about ourselves and our lives in an authentic way. Here are a few more benefits of empathy:
- Benefits your health (less stress and less negativity which leads people to be in better shape with stronger immune systems)
- Leads to a happier life
- Improves communications skills
- Leads to teamwork
- Creates a healthy work environment
- Transcends personal relationships
- Decreases negativity
Why Do People Lack Empathy?
There are a number of things that get in the way of us utilizing and experiencing the power of empathy. Three of the main ones, which are all interrelated, are as follows:
1. Feeling Threatened
We often feel “threatened” based on our own fears, projections, and past experiences – not by what is actually happening in the moment or in a particular relationship or situation. Whether the threat is “real” or “imagined,” when we feel threatened in any way, it often shuts down our ability to experience empathy.
2. Being Judgmental
Being judgmental is a totally different game than making value judgments (what to wear, what to eat, what to say, etc.).
When we’re judgmental, we decide that we’re “right” and someone else is “wrong.” Doing this hurts us and others and it cuts us off from those around us. When we’re being judgmental about another person, group of people, or situation, we significantly diminish our capacity to be empathetic.
3. Fear
Can you guess the root of all of this?
It’s our fear.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with fear, it’s a natural human emotion – which, in fact, has many positive aspects to it, if we’re willing to admit it, own it, express it, and move through it. Fear saves our lives and keeps us out of trouble all the time.
The issue with fear is our denial of it. We deem things, people, or situations to be “scary,” when in truth there is nothing in life that is inherently “scary.” When we allow ourselves to be motivated by fear – which often leads to us defending ourselves against “threats,” being judgmental, and more – it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to access the power of empathy.
On my podcast, I often talk about the importance of embracing our emotions. The more willing we are to look at our fear, acknowledge it, embrace it, own it, and take responsibility for it, the more able we are to expand our capacity for empathy.
Signs That Someone Lacks Empathy
Here are some signs that someone lacks empathy.
- Highly critical of others
- Unable to control emotions
- Unaware of other people’s feelings
- Accuses people of being overly sensitive
- Overreacts to small things
- Won’t admit when wrong
- Behaves insensitively
- Has trouble maintaining relationships
- Can’t handle uncomfortable situations
- Sees perceived slights everywhere
The reason why empathy is so important is that it helps us better understand how others are feeling, and even feel it in ourselves. It helps us maintain relationships and plays a role in dictating our success in both personal and professional relationships.
A lack of empathy can also be a trait of personality disorders like narcissism or antisocial personality disorder.
People may lack empathy due to the environment they were raised in. They may have grown up with parents who could not regulate their emotions and showed very little compassion towards them. They may have also experienced difficult situations in life that caused them to lack empathy and behave the way they do.
How to Become More Empathetic
Here are a few things you can do and think about to become more empathetic:
1. Be Real About How You Feel
When we’re in a conflict with another person or dealing with someone or something that’s challenging for us, being able to admit, own, and express our fear, insecurity, sadness, anger, jealousy, or whatever other “negative” emotions we are experiencing, is one of the best ways for us to move past our defensiveness and authentically address the deeper issues of the situation.
Doing this allows us to access empathy for ourselves, the other person or people involved, and even the circumstances of the conflict or challenge itself. Check out this blog post for tips on how to resolve conflict.
2. Imagine What It’s Like For Them
While it can sometimes be difficult for us to “understand” another person’s perspective or situation, being able to imagine what it must be like for them is an essential aspect of empathy.
The more willing we are to imagine what it’s like for them, the more compassion, understanding, and empathy we’ll be able to experience.
In today’s uncertain political climate and the many stresses that come with a pandemic, it is more important now than ever before to use compassion every day. You can learn more about the importance of compassion here.
My most recent book, We’re All in This Together, helps leaders become more compassionate with their team members by giving them a roadmap for building trust, collaborating, and operating at a peak level. Learn more about the book here.
3. Forgive Yourself and Others
In another one of my books, Nothing Changes Until You Do, I talk about the complicated relationship we all have with ourselves and the struggle many of us have to be kind, compassionate, and loving towards ourselves. Forgiveness is one of the most important things we can do in life to heal ourselves, let go of negativity, and live a life of peace and fulfillment. Forgiveness has to first start with us.
I believe that all judgment is self-judgment. When we forgive ourselves, we create the conditions and perspective to forgive others.
Forgiveness is one of the many important aspects of life that is often easier said than done. It is something we need to learn about and practice all the time.
One of the best books you can read on this subject is called Forgive For Good, written by my friend and mentor Dr. Fred Luskin, one of the world’s leading experts and teachers about the power of forgiveness. This book gives you practical and tangible techniques you can use to forgive anyone and anything.
The more willing we are to forgive ourselves and others (and continue to practice this in an ongoing way), the more able we’ll be to empathize authentically.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- How empathetic are you?
- What can you do to enhance your capacity for empathy?
- How would an increased ability to empathize with others (and yourself) impact your life and relationships?
- Where in your life and relationships can you see that feeling threatened, being judgmental, and experiencing fear stop you from being empathetic?
Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more in the comments section below.
I have written five books about, among other things, the importance of empathy, authenticity, and appreciation. I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) that empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. As an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more engaged and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today.
This article was originally published on October 13, 2010, and has been updated for 2021.
We find ourselves in a precarious moment politically here in the United States right now. In the midst of a global pandemic, a new Presidential administration, a pending impeachment trial, calls for both accountability and unity, and so much more.
The intense divisiveness that has built up in our country in recent weeks, months, and years, seems to be at an all-time high, and the real impact of this is not only playing out in Washington DC, but in our own relationships, families, teams, and communities.
As I write about in my latest book, We’re All in This Together, while it isn’t easy or often encouraged in a real healthy and productive way, our ability to connect with people who see things differently than we do, politically and otherwise, is so important, especially right now.
I was on a plane a few years ago flying from Fort Lauderdale to New York. I’d spoken at two events in south Florida, was flying up to New York for some meetings, then on to Boston for another event, and then back to Florida for my final event before heading home. It was a crazy but exciting week. I was in full-on work/travel mode, which means I had tunnel vision—focused just on getting to where I needed to get to, taking care of myself physically so I’d be ready to go when it was time to speak, and getting as much work done as possible while on my flights and in my hotel rooms.
I was working on my laptop even as people were still boarding the plane that afternoon. Sitting on the aisle, I had to get up when the two people who were in the window and middle seat came to sit down. I greeted them briefly. They were together—a man who looked to be in his mid-50s and a woman who looked to be close to 80, whom I assumed was his mother.
As the flight began to take off, I had to put my computer away and wait for the plane to get to 10,000 feet before I could start working again, so I started flipping channels on the live TV in front of me. I landed on CNN and was catching up on the news of the day. We reached 10,000 feet and I pulled my laptop out and began to work. I had e-mails to catch up on and I was reviewing my latest podcast episode—so I pulled my headphones out of the airplane armrest and plugged them into my computer.
About 10 minutes later, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the man sitting to my right in the window seat motioning toward the TV screen in front of me. It was still showing CNN, but I wasn’t paying attention to it and couldn’t hear it since my headphones were plugged into my laptop. Then I heard him say, “Fake news, fake news!” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me, to his mom, or just talking out loud to himself. So, I ignored him and kept working. Then he did it again, this time more demonstratively, his voice getting louder as he pointed at the screen.
I stopped what I was doing, took out my ear buds, turned to him, and asked, “Are you talking to me?”
“Yes! CNN is fake news. It’s just a bunch of liberal propaganda.”
I was a bit taken aback by his intensity. He seemed angry, and I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt nervous, but also intrigued. He and his mom both had the TVs in front of them turned to Fox News. I said, “I notice you’re watching Fox.”
“It’s the only honest news on TV,” he said passionately.
At this moment I realized I had a choice. There were various ways I could avoid getting into an argument with him. I also had a ton of work that I needed to get done. But my heart and mind were racing—I felt scared and defensive, but also excited and curious. I wanted to see where this conversation might go and what might happen, so I said, “Well, I’d be careful if I were you. I’ve read some studies that say people who consistently watch Fox are the most misinformed news viewers in America.” As you can imagine, he didn’t appreciate this comment.
“Oh, I see, you’re one of those liberal elites who thinks he knows everything.”
And then we were off to the races from there. We argued about Donald Trump, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, immigration, the economy, climate change, the military, guns, the police, and a number of other issues. I tried to stay calm and not get defensive, but that didn’t work so well. He continued to call me names and it got heated.
It was an odd and interesting experience to find myself in a pretty aggressive debate with this man whom I hadn’t known an hour before. And while I wasn’t concerned for my safety in any way, I did find it uncomfortable and upsetting. I also didn’t really enjoy being called “wimpy,” “whiney,” “snowflake,” and other things.
As the conversation escalated, I finally said, “Stop! Look, we clearly disagree in some pretty fundamental ways about these issues. But my deeper concern is that here we are, two strangers sitting on an airplane, and you’re calling me names simply because we disagree about politics.”
Then I shifted gears completely and asked him a question. “Do you have children?” He looked at me with surprise and said, “What?”
“Do you have kids?” I asked again.
“Yes,” he said. “I have four.”
“Wow,” I said. “That’s great. We have two young daughters.”
“We have two boys and two girls,” he said. “Our oldest is thirty and the other three are in their twenties.”
“So, you’ve been at the parenting thing much longer than I have,” I said. “I worry sometimes that I’m doing things (or not doing things) that might be messing up our girls. I try to do the best I can, but sometimes I wonder if I’m doing a good job as a father.” Then I asked him, “Do you ever worry about that, or did you when your kids were younger?”
He paused, looked at me in a different way than he’d been looking at me, and didn’t answer the question initially. Eventually he said, “Of course. I think every parent feels that way at some point.”
“I suppose you’re right,” I said. “Maybe, just like as a father I try to do the best I can and think my ideas, decisions, and actions are right, with respect to some of these big political issues, I have strong opinions, but I’m not sure I know what the solutions are. Some of these challenges are so large and complex, it’s possible that the answers are much bigger and more involved than I can even understand.”
At this moment, he was looking at me like I was a little crazy, but there seemed to be some recognition of what I was saying in his eyes. He said, “I guess?”
We both laughed a little, there was an awkward silence between us, and after almost 45 minutes of arguing, we just stopped. I went back to my laptop and he went back to chatting softly with his mom.
As my heart rate came down and I sat there reflecting on the intense conversation that had just taken place, a few thoughts came to mind. First of all, I had no idea if either of us convinced the other of anything. I didn’t walk away agreeing with his ideas or political views, and I doubt he did with mine. However, I did learn a bit more about where he was coming from and felt the anger, fear, and frustration he had about the media, the country, and the state of politics, which was actually enlightening for me on a number of levels. This man who was more than 10 years older than I am, a father of four, and a fire fighter from Long Island had a very different background and worldview than mine.
Second of all, when I was being self-righteous and defensive, it was hard for me to listen, hear, understand, and connect with him in any way. However, when we talked about our children, the conversation got more vulnerable and real, and I was able to find some common ground with him, which allowed us to, momentarily at least, connect with each other—human being to human being, father to father. And in that instant, I felt more empathy, compassion, and understanding for this man sitting across from me, even though we fundamentally disagreed about some pretty important issues.
Our country and our world are intensely divided right now. Although getting into arguments with strangers may not be the most productive route (especially on social media), the only way we’re going to bridge this divide is if we’re willing to have these important and often uncomfortable discussions directly with each other.
If we have the courage and commitment, we can find common ground and when we do, we can have more awareness, insight, and appreciation for those who see things differently than we do. I’m not talking about selling out on what we believe or biting on tongue on the issues that matter most to us. I’m talking about being real.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “We have very little morally persuasive power with those who can feel our underlying contempt.”
The secret to connecting with people across the political aisle is operating with authenticity. This means that we’re willing to be honest, self-aware enough to remove our self-righteousness, and have the courage to be vulnerable.
Feel free to leave a comment, question, or piece of feedback below.
This is an adapted excerpt from We’re All in This Together, by Mike Robbins, published by Hay House Business, April 2020
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