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One of the hardest questions I’ve ever had to ask myself is this: What am I pretending not to know?
It’s a question that can stop us in your tracks. Because if we’re honest, there’s usually something, big or small, that we already do know deep down, but we don’t want to face it.
Maybe it’s that a relationship isn’t working. Maybe it’s that a team member isn’t a fit. Maybe it’s that we’re burned out, unhappy, or not living in alignment with our values.
Whatever it is, pretending not to know gives us temporary comfort. It allows us to avoid conflict, change, or discomfort. But it also keeps us stuck.
I’ve done this plenty of times myself, personally and professionally. I’ve stayed too long in situations because I didn’t want to deal with the fallout of acknowledging what was true. I told myself I needed more time, more evidence, more certainty. But what I really needed was courage.
Because once we stop pretending, we can start moving forward.
The truth can be inconvenient, but it’s always clarifying. When we finally admit what we already know, we give ourselves the freedom to act with integrity instead of fear.
In my work with leaders and teams, I see this play out all the time. Someone knows a change needs to be made, a conversation that’s overdue, a behavior that’s undermining trust, a direction that isn’t working, but they hesitate. They rationalize. They hope things will get better if they just wait a little longer.
But waiting rarely helps. Honesty does.
Leaders who are willing to face the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, create environments where trust and accountability can grow. Because when people see you acknowledge reality instead of avoiding it, they feel safe to do the same.
Here’s the thing: pretending not to know doesn’t make the truth go away. It just delays the learning, growth, and healing that can happen once you stop running from it.
So maybe the real leadership challenge isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about having the courage to face the ones you’ve been avoiding.
Ask yourself:
- What am I pretending not to know about my work, my relationships, or myself?
- What’s the truth I already see but haven’t yet said out loud?
- What would change if I stopped pretending and started acting from that truth?
When we face what’s real, we reclaim our power. We can make decisions rooted in authenticity instead of fear. We can repair relationships, course-correct projects, and realign our actions with our values.
It’s rarely easy. But on the other side of that honesty is freedom, the kind that allows us to lead, live, and love with more congruence.
So take a breath. Be brave enough to stop pretending. You already know more than you think you do. And that truth might just be the starting point for your next breakthrough.
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Some of the best leaders I know don’t have fancy titles. They’re not executives. They aren’t calling the shots from the top of the org chart.
But they lead with presence. With heart. With integrity. And people follow them, not because they have to, but because they want to.
We often think of leadership as a role: manager, director, VP, CEO. But leadership isn’t a job title. It’s a way of being.
Leadership is about influence, not authority.
I’ve seen interns and admins shift the energy of a room simply by asking a thoughtful question. I’ve seen frontline employees hold entire teams together during tough transitions.
I’ve seen teachers, coaches, parents, and friends guide people in powerful ways, not by demanding attention, but by showing up with consistency and care.
These people don’t wait for permission to lead.
They don’t wait for recognition. They lead by example. They lead by how they treat others.
They lead by being real, being kind, and being willing to speak up when it matters.
You don’t need a promotion to make an impact.
You don’t need a corner office to change a culture. You don’t need to manage people to model what real leadership looks like.
So often, we chase the next thing. The title. The role. The recognition.
There’s nothing wrong with ambition, but here’s what I’ve learned: leadership isn’t about climbing the ladder, it’s about how you show up wherever you are.
Are you someone others can count on?
Do you create space for people to speak and feel heard?
Are you willing to take responsibility even when it’s uncomfortable?
These are the real questions that define leadership.
True leadership shows up in everyday moments. It’s the choice to give credit instead of taking it.
It’s the courage to admit when you’re wrong or make a mistake.
It’s the effort to encourage someone who is struggling.
It’s the awareness to know when to step forward and when to step back so that others can shine.
Think about how this relates to you specifically…
-Where are you already leading, even if you haven’t named it that way?
-Where are you being called to step up, not with power, but with presence?
-What kind of impact do you want to have on the people around you?
We don’t lead by controlling. We lead by connecting.
We don’t lead by having all the answers. We lead by asking better questions.
We don’t lead by perfection. We lead by being real.
We don’t need a title to lead. We just need the willingness to show up, speak up, and care enough to make a difference. That’s what real leadership looks like.
We’re all in this together.
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We spend a lot of time at work. In meetings. On calls. In Slack threads and Zoom rooms.
Solving problems. Managing expectations. Trying to perform.
And yet… so many people feel like they can’t fully be themselves in those spaces.
They hide parts of who they are. Fears, frustrations, feelings, because the workplace doesn’t always feel like a place that welcomes honesty, vulnerability, or emotion.
But here’s the thing:
The cost of not being real at work is high.
When people feel like they have to put on a mask every day, it creates:
🔹 Disconnection
🔹 Exhaustion
🔹 Mistrust
🔹 Missed opportunities for real collaboration
I’ve seen it time and again… when people don’t feel safe to show up authentically, they hold back.
Their ideas. Their feedback. Their full energy.
And that doesn’t just impact individuals. It impacts teams. It impacts culture. It impacts results.
Why do we hide?
Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that “professional” means “perfect.”
That vulnerability = weakness.
That being real will somehow backfire.
But here’s what I’ve learned… through my own experience and in working with thousands of leaders and teams over the years:
Authenticity isn’t risky. It’s essential.
It’s the foundation of trust.
Authenticity can turn a group of talented individuals into a real team.
It’s what allows people to truly connect, innovate, and thrive.
What being real actually looks like
Authenticity doesn’t mean oversharing or turning every meeting into a therapy session.
It means:
🔹 Telling the truth (with care)
🔹 Asking for help when you need it
🔹 Giving honest feedback
🔹 Acknowledging when you’re struggling
🔹 Being willing to listen, to really listen, when someone else needs support
So, ask yourself:
Where in your work life are you holding back part of who you really are?
Where might your team benefit from more openness, more honesty, more you?
Here’s what helps:
Model it. Let people see your humanity. Not all the time. But enough to show it’s safe to be real.
Name it. Sometimes the most powerful leadership move is saying, “This is hard” or “I don’t have the answer.”
Protect it. Create and protect spaces where people can speak up, show up, and be themselves without fear of retribution.
You don’t need to be perfect to be powerful. And you don’t have to choose between being real and being respected.
The most impactful leaders I’ve met weren’t always the smartest or most polished… They were the most genuine.
Let’s stop pretending.
Let’s lead with honesty, humility, and heart. Because that’s what real trust is built on.
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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about presence.
Not presence as in “being in the room,” but presence as in how we show up.
Our energy. Our tone. Our intention.
Because here’s the truth:
People might hear what you say…
…but they feel who you are.
We’re always communicating, even when we’re not talking.
You can tell when someone’s distracted, even if they’re smiling. You can feel when someone’s tense, even if they’re saying all the right things. You know when someone’s heart is in it… and when it’s not.
Words matter, of course. But our energy often speaks louder than anything we say.
Leadership isn’t just about what you do or say. It’s about how you make people feel.
Over the past 25 years working with leaders and teams, I’ve seen it time and again:
🔹 A leader who walks into a meeting with calm focus can shift the entire dynamic, without saying a word.
🔹 A teammate who listens with genuine curiosity can make someone feel valued, even if they don’t offer advice.
🔹 And on the flip side… a person who shows up rushed, reactive, or half-present, even with good intentions, can unintentionally create stress and disconnection.
Energy is contagious. So what are you spreading?
In high-pressure environments, it’s easy to fall into auto-pilot.
Get the work done. Say the thing. Hit the next target.
But when we lose track of how we’re showing up, we risk creating unintended friction with the people around us.
Our energy can build trust… or chip away at it.
Here’s what helps:
🔹 Check in with yourself first. Before walking into a room (or logging onto Zoom or Teams), ask: “What am I bringing into this space?”
🔹 Lead with intention, not just information. You don’t need a script, just clarity about what matters: connection, care, collaboration.
🔹 Don’t underestimate your presence. Even a few minutes of grounded presence can shift a meeting, a conversation, and a team dynamic.
Think about the leaders, coaches, or mentors who made the biggest impact on you. Chances are, it wasn’t just what they said. It was how they made you feel… safe, seen, supported, challenged.
That’s what people remember. That’s what builds trust.
So as you move through your day…Pause. Breathe. Ground yourself.
And remember, your energy is always speaking. What message do you want it to send?
Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions in the comments below.
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As leaders, we’re often taught, explicitly or implicitly, that we’re supposed to know things.
Know the strategy.
Know the numbers.
Know how to fix what’s broken.
Know what to say when someone’s struggling.
But here’s the thing I’ve learned (and continue to re-learn):
Leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about being willing to ask better questions.
The pressure to “know” is real
In high-performing environments, whether it’s sports, business, or anything else, there’s often an unspoken expectation that certainty equals credibility.
That confidence equals competence. That not knowing means you’re not ready, or not good enough.
But in my experience, some of the most powerful leadership moments come not when we provide answers…
…but when we pause long enough to ask a meaningful question.
Curiosity creates connection
When we lead with questions, especially ones rooted in curiosity, humility, and care, we create space:
🔹 For others to feel seen and heard
🔹 For unexpected insights to emerge
🔹 For trust to deepen
It’s in these moments that relationships and teams grow stronger, problems get solved collaboratively, and people feel safe to speak up and contribute.
What kinds of questions matter?
The ones that open, not close. That invite, not assume. That create dialogue, not dominance.
A few that I love:
- “What’s your perspective on this?”
- “Is there anything I’m not seeing?”
- “What do you need most right now?”
- “How can I support you?”
- “What’s getting in the way?”
Questions like these don’t just provide information, they show people that we trust them, value them, and want to understand.
Are you leading with questions, or pressure to perform?
In your leadership, your relationships, your life…
Where might you be carrying the burden of needing to know or fix, when what’s really needed is to ask and listen?
Here’s what helps:
🔹 Trade answers for curiosity. Not knowing isn’t a weakness. It’s often where the best insights begin.
🔹 Resist the urge to solve right away. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is, “Tell me more.”
🔹 Remember: people don’t need perfect. They need presence. You don’t have to be the smartest person in the room, just the most open one.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to care enough to be curious.
This is where trust is built. This is where teams come alive. This is where real leadership begins.
Remember…we’re all in this together.
What can you do to stop yourself from automatically giving advice and challenging yourself to ask different questions? Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions in the comments below.
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