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How do you forgive yourself, especially when you feel shame and regret about things you have done in the past?
Dealing with shame and regret isn’t easy. And forgiving yourself can be extremely difficult when you live in constant guilt and regret.
Many of us carry hard, hurtful emotions that build with us as time goes on.
One of these feelings – particularly for me – is resentment.
You can direct resentment towards other people, situations, or yourself.
When I first began on my journey of self-forgiveness, what I had to initially confront was how much resentment I had towards myself.
How To Forgive Yourself
Many of us are critical and unforgiving to ourselves. A lot of us don’t even trust ourselves.
And when we are so critical of ourselves, we start harboring resentment.
Forgiving yourself isn’t easy – it takes work. But it’s worth it.
I started forgiving myself by meditating, journaling, asking for help, and focusing on healing.
One specific exercise I did was to write down a long list of things that I wanted to forgive myself for:
- being harsh and critical of some of the people closest to me,
- being annoyed and unkind to our girls at times,
- worrying about all kinds of superficial things,
- being unable to overcome failure,
- harming my body over the years,
- not taking good care of myself,
- making mistakes in my business and with our finances,
- not practicing what I preached in my work,
And on and on the list went.
As I wrote these things down in my journal, I was initially concerned that it was my gremlin taking over and listing out all the things that were “wrong” with me and all the reasons why I was “bad.”
But as I allowed myself to engage more deeply in the process, I realized that what I was doing was telling the truth about all the things I’d been judging myself for.
Engaging in this process was my attempt in some way to let go of the resentment I was holding toward myself. I was trying to move into a place of forgiveness and, ultimately, freedom. And while I wasn’t sure if I knew exactly the “right” way to forgive myself, I decided to ask to be forgiven in my writings, prayers, and meditations.
Before I went to bed at night, I would ask for the weight of this self-criticism and negativity to lift off of me.
The Nature of Growth and Change
A few days after doing this self-reflection and self-forgiveness exercise, I felt 50 pounds lighter.
A few weeks later, I had my first session with my counselor Eleanor. As Eleanor and I began to work together, which we’ve continued to do over the past decade with wonderful results, she began to explain to me the nature of growth and change.
These are the basic steps involved in the process of growing and changing:
- Recognize: You must recognize what’s going on and what you’re doing. Recognizing is about seeing and about authentic awareness.
- Acknowledge: You must acknowledge the impact of what you’re doing with compassion and without judgment. Acknowledgment is about feeling your emotions and owning the impact.
- Forgive: The most crucial step in the process is forgiveness—a willingness to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about caring enough to take a deeper level of responsibility. And when you do that, you’re able to forgive yourself authentically.
- Change: If you genuinely recognize, acknowledge, and forgive, the change pretty much happens on its own. You don’t have to—nor do you get to—control it. Change is the result of authentic forgiveness, and genuine forgiveness is about releasing the past and all the stories you have associated with it.
Unfortunately, most of us actually recognize, acknowledge, punish, and repeat—instead of forgiving and changing—which keeps specific negative patterns in place in our lives and causes us a great deal of pain and suffering.
For real change to happen, we must constantly focus on forgiving ourselves and releasing the past and all of the stories connected to it.
Moving Forward with Self-Forgiveness
Given that most of us have many years of experience of not doing this and still tend to be hypercritical of ourselves, self-forgiveness can be challenging.
Forgiveness continues to be a challenge for me, although it’s getting easier. It’s a practice, and like any practice, the more we do it, the easier it is and the more effective we become.
The more willing we are to take an honest look within—recognize and acknowledge our self-sabotaging ways and forgive ourselves for them—the more likely we can begin to change in an authentic and powerful way.
Remember: we all make mistakes. And that’s okay. We all do things that we regret. Self-forgiveness makes it possible to forgive others and live our lives with a genuine sense of freedom, peace, and love.
This is a modified excerpt taken from my book Nothing Changes Until You Do, with permission from our publisher, Hay House. This book is available online or in bookstores. Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more here or in the comments section of this post.
I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.
Liked this post? Here are three more!
This article was originally published on April 30, 2014, and updated for 2021.
How well do you listen to the people around you? Listening can be challenging, especially these days, but the power of listening is so important.
When we listen, it allows us to better understand ourselves and other people too.
However, with all of the distractions around us and within our own heads, it’s incredible that we ever hear anything that anyone says at all.
By listening, we can become better leaders and learners.
The Power of Listening and All of its Benefits
Listening is not only the most essential aspect of communication – it can make or break our relationships.
Listening has a significant effect on our ability to appreciate, respond to, and empower others.
Here are some of the benefits of listening:
Listening shows respect
By listening to others, you show them respect. You let them know that you care about what they’re saying and that you value their perspective.
When you show respect to others, they will show it back to you as well.
Listening helps you understand
When you use the power of listening, you can better understand what people are saying, why they are saying it, and where they are coming from.
If listening is a challenge for you, welcome to the club. It can be very difficult to do and to do well, especially in today’s fast-paced, virtual world.
Listening can help prevent misunderstandings, conflict, and confusion.
Listening helps foster relationships
When someone knows that you are truly listening, it can help improve your relationship with them.
Showing that you care by listening can go a long way in helping foster relationships.
People are grateful for others who know how to listen.
The Three Levels of Listening
By understanding these three levels of listening, it can show us what to do to become more effective in our ability to listen to others.
1. Be Present
Give the person your full attention. Stop everything you are doing, whether you are typing on your phone or computer, watching TV, or anything else.
Multi-tasking doesn’t work when you’re listening to others.
By being present, you will hear everything the other person is saying. You will make them feel acknowledged and important.
2. Form an Emotional Connection
When we are present, we can listen between the words. We can hear and feel where someone is coming from.
When we connect with the person emotionally, it’s much easier to resolve a conflict, understand them, or figure out how to support them.
3. Listen in an Empowering Way
How do you feel about the person who is talking?
The “filter” we listen through has everything to do with what we hear and how we relate to the other person. If our filter (i.e. opinion) of the other person or what they are saying is not empowering, see if you can “upgrade” it (i.e., find the good stuff).
When we listen in an empowering way, we take responsibility for our judgments and realize that our opinions color what we hear and how we hear it.
It’s challenging to have an empowering or positive conversation with someone whom we judge in a negative way.
It may not be easy, but being committed to healthy communications and relationships means identifying our judgments and then doing whatever we can to move through them, which will allow us to listen to others in an empowering way.
The Power of Listening Requires Us to do the Internal Work
When we’re able to do the internal work it takes to become better listeners, we can enhance our relationships in a profound way.
Being someone who can listen to others is such a vital skill, especially these days.
It’s not always easy. It takes some practice and humility and is an ongoing, moment-by-moment phenomenon.
However, listening to others can allow for so many positive things:
- Improved communication
- Resolved conflicts
- Deeper connection
- Greater appreciation
- Enhanced understanding
- Increased learning
- Profound awareness
Have fun with it as you practice the power of listening.
See if you can put some attention today and the rest of this week on taking time to put a deeper effort into listening to the people around you.
Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more here on my blog below.
I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.
Liked this post? Here are three more!
This article was published on September 30, 2008, and updated for 2021.
How do you feel when you see or hear about the success of others? If you’re anything like me, you probably have some mixed emotions, especially if you’re going through struggles and challenges in your life.
I often find myself excited and inspired by the success of others, especially the people closest to me. However, at the same time, I sometimes notice it can bring up feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and inferiority. Especially when someone accomplishes or experiences something I want myself. Sometimes these feelings come up when I worry I can’t or won’t find that same success.
Have you ever wondered why you get jealous of other people’s success?
Recently I’ve taken a deeper and more honest look at myself in this regard. I’ve always been a competitive person. I often found myself directly or indirectly competing in a pretty intense way with those around me.
Although I’ve outgrown certain aspects of my childhood and adolescent comparison tendencies, I still find myself jealous of other people’s success, as if we’re competing against one another or that their success takes something away from me, which it doesn’t.
Feeling jealous of other people’s success is both understandable and potentially damaging.
Why Are You Jealous of Other People’s Success?
While our cultural obsession with comparison and competition isn’t something new, it seems to have intensified in the past decade or so, with the explosion of social media and how we share photos, highlights, achievements, adventures, milestones and more with one another in such a public and prominent way.
I enjoy being able to celebrate the exciting stuff happening in other people’s lives and share some of my own on social media.
At the same time, it can be a bit of a double-edged sword, depending on how I’m feeling about myself, my work, my body and appearance, my relationships, my future, my family, or anything else. I can easily get triggered by other people’s success and end up feeling bad about myself and my life.
On the flip side, I’ve noticed that I have a tendency, especially with certain people, to brag about my success or even to feel a sense of superiority.
This is even harder to admit and confront.
Feeling both superior and inferior are detrimental to our growth, success and ultimately our sense of peace.
So how do we stop comparing ourselves to others?
How to Stop the Comparison Game
The success of others has nothing to do with us, and our success has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s as simple as that.
The only way to stop the comparison game is to stop comparing yourself to others. We are all facing our battles and challenges in life, and success looks different for everyone.
Life is short—so why waste so much of your precious time competing with the people around you and focusing on how you measure up to them?
I’ve had glimpses of this freedom from comparison in my life at various times, although, not as often as I’d like.
Ready to step into your authentic power? Here are a few things to think about and practice, to stop being jealous of other people’s success:
1) It’s okay to feel jealous
Jealousy isn’t bad, it’s just an emotion and is part of the human experience.
Like with most “negative” emotions, the biggest issue with jealousy is our denial of it. When we pretend we don’t feel jealous, it can harm us in many ways.
The more we deny our feelings of jealousy, the more they end up running us.
When you notice yourself feeling jealous, admit it, feel it, and express it in some healthy and authentic way. Try writing it in your journal, sharing it with a close friend, reflecting on it in meditation or prayer.
Your ability to honestly notice, feel and express your jealousy (or any emotion) is what gives you the power to move through it and transform its potentially negative impact into a positive experience.
2) Look for a deeper message
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you feel jealous of other people’s success? When we get threatened by the success of others, there is usually a deeper message coming through that experience.
What if we looked beyond our reaction and beneath our judgment…and asked ourselves some questions like:
- “What is it about this person’s success that has me feeling threatened?”
- “How can I learn from what I see in them or in what they’ve accomplished?”
- “What can I do to let go of my inferior (or superior) reaction to this, and more deeply trust and believe in myself and my process?”
Asking deeper questions like this and looking for the underlying messages in our reactions to the success of others can lead us down a more authentic path of growth, discovery and fulfillment.
3) Celebrate their success
It’s essential to be careful about how harshly you judge other people and their paths to success. The more judgmental you are about them and how they create their success, the more difficult you’ll make it for you to create the success you want, out of your fear of being judged.
Judging the success of others is a smokescreen. It masks our own inability to deal with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or inferiority. What if, instead of doing that (or anything else in a similarly negative, critical, or arrogant way), we celebrated their success and rejoiced in it?
When you see someone succeed, celebrate for them (knowing how exciting it can be when something good happens).
4) Operate from a Place of Abundance
Being so close to people who are creating success in their lives (maybe even the same success we want) can be quite positive, inspiring, and motivating. I know this can be more challenging with certain things or certain people.
However, at the deepest level, when we live from a place of abundance (with the faith that there is more than enough to go around), we free ourselves from the constant stress, worry, fear and pressure associated with living from a place of scarcity.
Like most things in life, this is a choice.
What are some ways you deal with and release your jealousy of other people’s success?
Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights and more here on my blog below.
I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.
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The Importance of Self-Trust
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We’re All in This Together – 4 Key Traits of High Performing Teams
This article was published on May 15, 2013, and updated for 2021.
How well do you trust yourself?
For most of us, myself included, self-trust can be tricky.
Many of us second guess ourselves. We don’t listen to our gut, trust our instincts, or we hang onto negative memories or regrets from the past. These things and others can make it difficult for us to trust ourselves and thus create challenges in our relationships, work, and lives.
But you’re not alone. Lack of self-trust, while debilitating in many ways, is quite common. We all doubt ourselves sometimes – but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. It’s perfectly normal.
So how do you stop doubting yourself and start living an authentic life full of self-love, confidence, and truth?
Like most important aspects of our life and growth, the first step in our expansion process is to notice and tell the truth about why it can be difficult.
In the case of self-trust, once we can honestly acknowledge our challenges (and have some compassion for ourselves), we can consciously choose to trust ourselves in a more authentic way.
When we bring some mindful self-awareness and get curious about why we doubt ourselves or lack self-trust, that’s when we begin to learn about ourselves, our insecurities, and what we can do to grow as human beings.
What makes it difficult or challenging for you to trust yourself fully?
Take a moment to consider this question. The more compassionately aware we can be, the more likely we can move beyond it and let go of our “story” about why we can’t trust ourselves.
How to Build Self-Trust
Here are a few things you can do to enhance your ability to trust yourself:
1) Listen to yourself
We all have inner wisdom. Some refer to this as our intuition, others call it our gut, and others relate to it as our higher consciousness. Whether you call it one or all of these things (or something else), I believe that we’re all very intuitive. A big part of trusting ourselves is understanding that we each have a deep sense of what is true and right for us in most situations. As we practice listening to this inner wisdom (through meditation, prayer, quiet time, breath, conscious thought, and more), we begin to trust ourselves on a deeper level.
2) Don’t be afraid to fall
Remember: we all fail sometimes – but that doesn’t mean that we should ever give up on pursuing our dreams and goals. Be willing to take risks, go for it, and make mistakes. When you fall, get back up. So often, we don’t try things because we think we might fail. I love Wayne Gretzkey’s famous quote about this: “I missed 100% of the shots I never took.” While it can be scary for us to take risks in life, one of the greatest ways we can build our capacity for self-trust is to go for it, even if we fail. As we build up our ability to take risks, we also grow our capacity for courage, expanding our ability to trust ourselves.
3) Forgive yourself
Many of us live in a constant state of guilt, disappointment, or shame, which is not the healthiest way to live. We’re only human. We make mistakes, and we learn from them. One of the main reasons we don’t trust ourselves is that we haven’t forgiven ourselves for mistakes we’ve made, the pain we’ve caused, or the regrets we have. These demons from our past haunt us, and we use them as evidence to not go for things and not trust ourselves. As we enhance our capacity to forgive ourselves, we heal from the past and breathe new life into our experience, creating a genuine sense of enthusiasm for both the present moment and our future. And, as we’re able to forgive ourselves, we can let go of our attachment to being perfect and having to do everything just right, which allows us to trust ourselves more freely.
Are You Struggling With Self-Trust?
Here are a few other things you can do to boost your self-trust:
- Be decisive
- Honor your emotions
- Set reasonable goals
- Be kind to yourself
- Practice self-care
- Be yourself
- Spend time with yourself
- Take risks
- Reward yourself
Think of something important in your life right now – a decision you’ve been on the fence about because you’re worried about making the wrong choice (i.e., not trusting yourself).
Given what we’ve been discussing here, what would you do regarding this vital issue if you fully trusted yourself? I bet if you listen to your inner wisdom, allow yourself to take a risk, and know that you can forgive yourself no matter what happens – the answer to the question, “What should I do?” is probably pretty clear.
What can you do to enhance your self-trust and listen to your inner wisdom more? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more here on my blog below.
I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.
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This article was published on January 29, 2015, and updated for 2021.
What does being bold mean to you?
Bold people are daring and courageous—they’re not afraid to break the rules. They have their own identity and are willing to express it.
Are you that type of person?
Do you consider yourself bold?
Some of us do, but most people I know and work with, myself included, admit that they don’t often think of themselves as bold.
Even when some of us have moments of boldness, these moments can be scary and are often few/far between.
Why is this?
Because we sometimes don’t have the courage to be bold or we don’t find ourselves going for it in our work and our life—or not nearly as much as we’d like (especially during these difficult times).
Being bold is essential to living a fulfilling life
While scary and challenging for many of us, being bold is essential if we’re going to live an authentic, successful, and fulfilling life. Boldness is about stepping up and stepping out onto our edge in life—pushing the limits of what we think is possible or even appropriate.
It’s about living, speaking, and acting in ways that are both courageous and true to who we are.
Because we’re all unique, our individual versions of boldness will look quite different.
Something that might be bold for me may not be so for you—or vice versa. Going for it has to do with us getting in touch with our deepest truths, passions, and desires in life and then having the courage to live and act out loud in a way that is congruent with this.
5 Tips On How to Be Bold
Here are five key reminders of what it takes to be bold and go for it in life:
1. Be True to Yourself
A part of being bold includes having the ability to honor yourself, your emotions, and the things you believe in.
Tell and live your truth with courage, vulnerability, and commitment.
Think about who you are and what is important to you. Don’t be afraid to admit when you’ve made a mistake, gone off course, or done something that’s out of integrity for yourself.
Remember that we all feel lost at times. Being true to who we are is about being ruthlessly honest and also forgiving ourselves (and others) fiercely and compassionately.
2. Live with Passion
Passion comes from within us, not from the external circumstances, events, activities, or people in our lives.
Being bold is about going for it, not holding back, and giving ourselves fully to our work, relationships, and lives.
To be bold, we must live with passion and be true to that passion.
3. Step Out
Don’t be afraid to challenge yourself.
Say and do things that are outside of your comfort zone. Do things that scare you.
When you start to challenge yourself, you force yourself to step out in life and to step more fully into who you really are.
Sometimes when we try to step out of our comfort zone, we get scared. We don’t think we’re ready, we sometimes don’t know exactly what we’re supposed to do, and we rarely have a guarantee that things will work out. So what.
As Ray Bradbury famously said, “Jump and build your wings on the way down.”
4. Create a Dream Team
Never be afraid to ask for support and lean on others. Sometimes our support systems are what can help us get through challenging times.
Support, inspiration, and accountability from other people are essential along our journey of boldness and authenticity.
You can’t do it all by yourself, which is why it is so important to understand when to reach out to others who believe in you, will tell you the truth, and can help you when you get stuck.
Create a “dream team” of powerful and supportive people around you with whom you can share your hopes, dreams, and ideas. Be willing to ask for and receive their support, contribution, and generosity.
5. When You Fall, Get Back Up
We all fall – and that’s okay.
It’s essential to make peace with the fact that you will fall, probably a lot, especially if you’re going for it and playing big in life.
How we respond to falling down is what truly makes the difference in our lives. How we get back up when we fall is how we become bold.
When we’re willing to get back up, dust ourselves off, be honest about how we feel, and not let it stop us from going for what we want – we tap into what true power, boldness, and authenticity are all about!
What are you willing to do in your life right now to step out and go for what you want boldly? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.
I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.
Liked this post? Here are three more!
- Speaking Your Truth to Live a Life of Authenticity
- How to Embrace Disappointment and Learn From it
- The Power of Gratitude
This article was published on February 17, 2011, and updated for 2021.
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