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If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably spent more time than you’d like to admit trying to “fix” your “flaws.” Although I may pretend otherwise, many of my goals, desires, and even my motivation to grow and change has often come from a deep place of insecurity within me – thinking that if I could fix what was wrong with me, then everything would be okay. I recently had an insight (one which I’ve had before but this time, it came to me at a deeper level) that maybe instead of focusing on “fixing” my “flaws,” it’s more important to love your flaws and accept them instead.
I’ve resisted this notion of loving my flaws for most of my life, worrying that if I loved the things I thought were wrong with me, they’d somehow never change, and I’d be stuck with them.
However, it is really love that leads to healing and transformation – which ultimately can create the actual change we say we’re looking for, or a true sense of acceptance that gives us access to authentic freedom and liberation, regardless of circumstances.
At a deep level, our “flaws” are subjective and based on our interpretations, perspectives, and judgments. We obsess about certain aspects of our body or appearance, personality, life, or work circumstances and deem them unacceptable.
But, the truth is, these things are just as they are – we add meaning and interpretation to them.
Regardless of how philosophical we get about it, most of us as human beings experience a sense of feeling flawed in certain aspects of our lives and at particular times in life. There is nothing wrong with us for feeling this way. Although, as we each know from experience, feeling flawed can rob us of our energy, passion, happiness, confidence, and life. It’s one of the most painful ways we allow our ego to run our lives, and it can have devastating consequences if we’re not conscious of it.
How to Love Your Flaws
Here are some ideas about how we can move through our experience of feeling “flawed” and to a place of acceptance, compassion, and love.
1. Acknowledge what’s true for you.
The first step in almost every process of growth and change is about telling the truth instead of trying to avoid, run from, or pretend our “flaws” away.
But, if we relate to some aspect of our bodies, personalities, relationships, careers, or lives in general as a flaw, we first have to get real about it if we’re going to do anything about it.
2. Admit and express the underlying emotions.
If we can identify, acknowledge, and ultimately express the genuine emotions we’re experiencing related to this perceived flaw, we can create a real sense of liberation for ourselves.
If a specific aspect of your personality, body, or career bothers you and you find yourself feeling ashamed – as uncomfortable or negative as it may seem, the best thing you can do is acknowledge and express your shame.
Emotions become positive when they are appropriately expressed. They turn negative when you deny and repress them.
Although this is a different understanding of emotions than we’ve been taught, we’ve all had many liberating and positive experiences when we’ve expressed “negative” emotions (like sadness, anger, fear, and more).
By expressing our real emotions, we can unlock and unhook ourselves from the drama and suffering of the situation, which is caused by our denial and repression of these emotions, not the feelings themselves.
3. Forgive yourself.
Forgiving yourself plays a huge role in learning how to love your flaws. This is something that many of us, myself included, don’t have a lot of experience with.
Most of us have been trained to be hard on ourselves and that forgiveness must come from someone or something outside us. However, true forgiveness comes from within us and is what ultimately sets us free.
When we feel “flawed,” we often have a lot of blame and judgment – some of which may be directed towards other people or situations, but beneath that, most of it is directed at us. When we can forgive ourselves authentically, we create the space for real change and healing.
4. Appreciate.
The word appreciate doesn’t necessarily mean like, agree with, or enjoy.
Appreciate means to recognize the value of something.
What have you learned about yourself and life by dealing with this “flaw?”
While pain and challenges are not the only ways to grow in life, one of the many benefits of our issues is that we get to learn a great deal about ourselves, others, and life in the process of dealing with them.
When we reach a state of genuine appreciation and gratitude for the learning associated with the difficulty, we can move out of feeling sorry for ourselves (which never helps). It’s impossible to experience gratitude and victimhood simultaneously.
5. Love.
The ultimate antidote for all suffering is love. Your ability to love your flaws and care for them with kindness and compassion (as you would for a child, a pet, or a loved one) will ultimately heal you and allow the true transformation you’re looking for to take place.
Love is the most powerful force in the universe. When we love our flaws, we create an environment where we can either make the specific changes we truly want (from an authentic place of intention) or learn to love and accept ourselves whether an actual “change” takes place.
Any issue, malady, or problem that shows up in our lives is an opportunity for us to deepen our capacity for love, acceptance, and compassion.
All of these things, in my own experience, are much easier said than done. And, when we can tell the truth, express our real emotions, forgive ourselves, appreciate our flaws, and bring love to all aspects of our lives (both light and dark), we allow ourselves to transcend our flaws in an authentic way.
Loving your flaws takes a great deal of intention, support, compassion, and patience. It’s much easier to take a pill, avoid ourselves, get busy and distracted, whine and complain, pretend things are “fine,” and various other things we’ve learned to do in life.
Leaning into our “flaws” authentically and doing so with acceptance of ourselves is how we can genuinely heal and end the cycle of suffering.
How can you appreciate and love your flaws as a way to create freedom in your life? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
- The Trap of Comparison with Others
- The Important Difference Between Self-Righteousness and Conviction
- The Difficulty and Necessity of Accountability
This article was originally published on January 11, 2010, and updated for 2022.
Patience is powerful. It can help us persevere, reduce stress, and overcome challenges.
Patience may be a virtue, but it’s something I often find challenging. How about you?
Given the pace, uncertainty, and intensity of life and work these days, I don’t think I’m alone in the struggle to be patient.
But why can it be so difficult to be patient? How can we be more patient with ourselves and those around us…at work and in life?
We live in an intense, fast-paced world. Everything is about speed, scale, and execution.
Slowing down has never been a strength for me in my life. I’ve always found it difficult to let things be and trust the process.
However, this is actually what patience is all about – allowing things to be as they are and trusting that things will unfold as they are meant to.
It’s hard to do this in the best of circumstances, but over the last few years, it’s been even more challenging. One thing that can make patience specifically tricky is the fear that things won’t work out.
While taking deliberate action and being proactive are essential, finding balance is also important.
In my life, I’m often on the side of action and focus, which can, unfortunately, turn into control.
As the saying goes, “Slow and steady wins the race.” But, many of us collectively struggle to be patient and trust the process. Being patient is challenging for many of us – but there are real benefits to it regarding our wellbeing and success.
How to Embrace the Power of Patience
Here are some things we can do to be more patient…
1. Trust
Trust the process, trust yourself, and trust life.
The psychological concept of basic trust is the belief that the world is safe – that we can trust life and the people around us.
Having basic trust can be challenging depending on your life experiences and the things you’ve been through, as well as who you are, where you come from, and what you look like.
But being able to trust life, the process, and the people around you, can help you overcome challenges and the need to be vigilant.
2. Slow Down
Why are we moving so fast?
Slowing down is more of a mindset, energy, and perspective. Sometimes patience is a process of allowing things to happen at their own pace and to be as they are.
The opposite of patience is forcing, speeding, and rushing through things. If we can slow down, we can create more space that allows us to be more patient.
3. Allow Things to Unfold
There is real power in pausing, even if for an extra second or two. Take a pause. Let things breathe. Allow things to flow. Trust that things are manifesting and unfolding as they’re meant to…give them enough space to do so.
4. Let Go of Control
Life is like rowing a boat. Many of us are rowing our boats upstream and wondering why we’re not moving. Sometimes instead of fighting to row harder against the current, we can simply just let go of the oars.
This is all about allowing things to happen and going with the flow. What if we just let the current of the water take us?
Doing this requires trust, slowing down, being patient, and trusting the process. Sometimes in life, we try to control things instead of letting them be. We have the ability to go with the flow and trust that we will eventually get where we need to go.
5. Remember That Whatever You’re Going Through Will Pass
Things have a way of working themselves out.
We all go through struggles. Bad, painful, and challenging things happen to everyone in the world. But each of us have made it through 100% of the challenges we’ve ever faced up to this point in life. If we’re still here, nothing has taken us out completely up to this point – even things we thought would.
Try this exercise: when you’re going through something challenging, it can be helpful to list some of the most difficult things you’ve been through in your life. This can help remind us that we’ve been through a lot, overcome a lot, and learned a lot. You may have thought that you weren’t going to get through some of the things on the list – but you did. And usually, those are the most important lessons in our lives.
Remember: this too shall pass.
When facing a difficult challenge, ask yourself the following questions:
What good is here that I can’t see?
How might I be able to benefit from this?
Why is this happening for me?
These mindsets and approaches can help us be more patient when things aren’t going the way we want them to and they allow us to tap into the power of patience more broadly.
Where can you practice the power of patience in your life right now? Where do you see yourself being impatient? How can you bring more patience into your life? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
- Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?
- The Important Difference Between Self-Righteousness and Conviction
- Keep Your Head in the Clouds and Your Feet on the Ground
Do you struggle with finding life balance? Do you struggle to ground yourself and stay focused?
The saying “keep your head in the clouds, and your feet on the ground” is something my dad used to say. While I’ve heard this saying many times (and have always thought it was pretty corny and cheesy), I’ve started to think about it more deeply and realized the true wisdom of this idea.
As I’ve been thinking about it more, I notice that while I often have my “head in the clouds” (thinking about big aspirations, dreams, ideas, and more) and my “feet on the ground” (staying grounded in “reality,” taking practical action, and keeping things “real”), I rarely do these things simultaneously.
Tips on How to Create Healthy Life Balance
Here are a few things you can do and think about to balance the yin and yang energies of dreaming and doing in your life.
1. Notice where you are on this spectrum.
Take some time to reflect on where you fall on the “head in the clouds, feet on the ground” continuum.
While many of us move back and forth on this spectrum, most of us have a natural place where we settle – i.e., we’re more of a “dreamer” or a “doer.” Once we recognize where we are on the spectrum, we can choose to move and create more of a balanced approach. It’s important to remember how strong we are – in this specific regard and in general.
By acknowledging and understanding where you are on the spectrum, you can set goals and create new habits to help you live a more balanced life.
2. Allow yourself to focus on your dreams.
What are some of your biggest dreams? What do you truly want in your life?
Having passionate desire without attachment is one of the most essential elements of making our dreams come true.
However, because most of us have been hurt, disappointed, or let down by goals that haven’t been attained, we tend to hold back when thinking about, visualizing, and talking about our deepest desires and most important dreams, especially these days.
Having our “head in the clouds” is about giving ourselves permission to dream and dream big. Don’t let past mistakes or failures bring you down. Remember that the mistakes you’ve made in the past are lessons. Failure is not the opposite of success, it’s part of success. And when you allow yourself to focus on your dreams, you can better visualize them and work towards achieving your goals.
3) Take intentional and effective action.
One of the biggest challenges we encounter in our journey towards our dreams is either not taking effective action (because we don’t know what to do or we’re too scared to do it) or taking too much ineffective action (because we’re running around doing stuff just for the sake of doing stuff, often in an unconscious way).
When we allow ourselves to dream big (with our “head in the clouds”), how we keep our “feet on the ground” is by coming up with intentional and appropriate actions to move forward with our goals, even if we’re scared and not sure how things will turn out. We often need guidance, advice, and support in this process – because it can be confusing, intimidating, or both.
When you’re open to guidance and advice as you work on taking effective action, you open yourself up to new possibilities and push yourself forward in turning your dreams into reality.
4) Get good support and feedback.
To stay grounded, you must have a strong support system.
Support and feedback are essential aspects of life, success, and growth. When accomplishing our dreams, we must have empowering support around us. Some of us need people who can challenge us, think big, and help us reach for our goals.
Others need people to help ground us, keep us in reality, and help us focus our energy, passion, and ideas in a practical way.
Most importantly, we all need people who can cheer for us, hold us accountable, and support us on our journey in an authentic and meaningful way. We can’t do it alone – at least not nearly as easily or effectively.
5) Have fun!
Accomplishing our goals doesn’t have to be strenuous, stressful, or frustrating. It does take a lot of hard work and grit, but it’s also an important growth process that can help us learn more about ourselves and gain confidence in what we do.
It’s essential for us to enjoy the journey and not take ourselves or life too seriously. Sometimes, as you may have noticed, we get tense, uptight, and stressed out about our dreams – almost as if we’re holding our breath and waiting to exhale once things turn out.
When we stress ourselves out about our goals, it creates a challenging dynamic in our lives. It’s not the most conducive environment (internally and externally) for us to create success and fulfillment. Having fun along the way ensures we keep things in perspective and enjoy the ride, regardless of the outcome.
Keeping our heads in the clouds and our feet on the ground is much easier said than done. However, when we can do both things with passion, intention, and focus, we create a sense of life balance and peace that can allow us to have what we truly want in life.
How can you balance having your “head in the clouds” and your “feet on the ground” in your own life? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more in the comments section below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
- The Trap of Comparison with Others
- The Important Difference Between Self-Righteousness and Conviction
- The Difficulty and Necessity of Accountability
This article was originally published on April 29, 2010, and updated for 2022.
How often do you compare yourself to others? If you’re anything like me and most of the people I know and work with, you probably compare yourself to others more than you’d like to admit.
And, as you may have noticed (like I have), this comparison process never seems to feel good or work well.
I got an email a while back from a woman who suggested that I check out the website of another author/speaker. She said he reminded her of me and thought we should know each other.
I looked at his website and was very impressed. However, my Gremlin (that negative, critical voice in my head) started telling me how much better this guy was than me. “Look at him – he’s a stud: funny, good-looking, and super tech-savvy. His site is way cooler than yours, his approach is more hip, and he has this whole thing figured out much better than you do.”
After looking at his website and listening to my Gremlin, I felt jealous, inferior, and self-conscious.
Can you relate to this?
Sadly, many of us waste lots of time and energy comparing ourselves to others. Often we feel inferior to people based on our own self-judgment and/or our perception that they are better than we are.
The trap of comparison is that we’re stuck in a negative loop if we feel less than someone else or even better than another person. It’s actually the opposite side of the same coin in either case.
All of this is an insatiable ego game that ultimately sets us up to lose. Comparison to others leads to jealousy, anxiety, judgment, criticism, separation, loneliness, etc.
It’s normal for us to compare ourselves to others – especially given how most of our parents raised us, the competitive culture in which we live, and the way we engage with the world today through social media.
However, this comparison game can have severe consequences on our self-esteem, relationships, work, and overall life experience.
The irony is that almost everyone feels this way. We often erroneously think that if we just made more money, lost some weight, got a better job, moved into a nicer place, had more outward “success,” found the “perfect” partner, or whatever – then these insecure and unhealthy feelings of inferior/superior comparison would go away. Not true.
We can transform our comparison process into an experience of growth, connection, self-acceptance, and self-love – and ultimately let it go – by dealing with it directly and going to the source – us and how we relate to ourselves.
How to Stop Focusing on Comparison With Others
Here are some things you can do to unhook yourself from comparison with others.
1. Have empathy and compassion for yourself.
When we notice we’re comparing ourselves to other people and feeling either inferior or superior, it’s essential to have a deep sense of compassion and empathy for ourselves.
Comparison almost always comes from a place of insecurity and fear, not of deficiency or mal-intent. Judging ourselves as less than someone else or judging ourselves for going into comparison mode in the first place (which many of us do once we become aware of our tendency to do this) doesn’t help. This judgment causes more harm and keeps us stuck in the negative pattern.
2. Use comparison as an opportunity to accept, appreciate, and love yourself.
When comparison shows up, there is usually a lack of acceptance, appreciation, and love for ourselves.
Instead of feeling bad about what we think is wrong with us or critical of ourselves for being judgmental in the first place, what if we took this as a cue to take care of and nurture ourselves in an authentic way.
3. Be willing to admit your jealousy.
One of the best ways to release something is to admit and own it. While this can be a little scary and vulnerable to do, when we have the courage to admit our jealousy, we can own it in a liberating way to both other people and us. Acknowledging that we feel jealous of another person’s success, talent, accomplishment, or quality is a great way to let go of it and remove the barrier we may feel with that person or experience.
If you find yourself jealous of someone you don’t know (like a celebrity or just someone you haven’t met personally), you can acknowledge these feelings to someone close to you or even in a meditation with an image of that actual person.
4. Acknowledge the people you compare yourself to.
Another great way to break through the negative impact of comparison to others is to reach out to them with some genuine appreciation.
After a few minutes of feeling bad about myself, I reached out to the guy whose website I looked at, acknowledged him for his excellent work, and asked if we could connect. It felt good and liberating to do that.
The more excited we’re willing to get for other people’s success, talents, and experiences – the more likely we are to manifest positive feelings and outcomes in our lives. There is not a finite amount of success or fulfillment – and when we acknowledge people we compare ourselves to, we remind ourselves that there is more than enough to go around and that we’re capable of experiencing and manifesting wonderful things in our own lives too.
How often do you compare yourself to others? How does this impact your life, relationships, and sense of yourself? What can you do to let go of this habit and be more loving, accepting, and appreciative of yourself? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
- Are You Addicted to Struggle?
- Why Empathy is Important: How to Become More Empathetic
- The Challenge and Importance of Self-Care
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