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Showing up as our authentic selves is an important way to build more genuine connections with the people we live with, work with, and interact with in general. When we communicate openly, we feel empowered to share our genuine thoughts, feelings, and opinions with the people in our lives, even when we disagree.
However, I’ve noticed that digital communications have a tendency to escalate everyday differences into all-out confrontations. In these situations, it’s often not the topic itself that causes issues—it’s the channel we use to communicate them.
By knowing when to move from digital to live conversation, we set ourselves on a path to more effective communication with the people who matter most to us, both personally and professionally.
The Digital Dilemma: Why is it so hard to quit?
Communicating over digital platforms like text, Facebook, email, Slack, X (formerly known as Twitter), and others can often exacerbate conflicts. Without the ability to communicate in real time, these platforms tend to prevent us from understanding one another, making it less likely for us to connect with empathy and more likely to escalate conflicts.
So why do we still resort to communicating through these digital channels, even when we know better?
The first reason is convenience. For many of us, electronic communication has become the primary mode of connection, both personally and professionally. We already spend most of our time on our phones, tablets, and computers, so it’s only natural that we feel inclined to use them to reach out to the people in our lives in more complicated moments.
Also, it can feel easier to share our honest feelings in writing. Over text, we can say what feels true to us without having to worry about literally facing the other person’s reaction.
Ultimately, electronic communication requires less courage than live conversations. When we text, email, or DM with someone, we can avoid our fears of rejection or getting hurt. Avoiding the live conversation feels “safer”—and it empowers us to say things we might otherwise withhold.
In spite of these perceived benefits, it’s important to remember that resolving conflicts, aligning with others, and building trust are actually much more difficult when we avoid communicating face-to-face. In fact, it’s usually much easier to find a positive resolution when we have live conversations. The fear may be real, but most often the “threat” is not.
5 Ways to Practice Better Communication
To enhance your communication skills and resolve conflicts more effectively, consider adopting the following strategies:
#1 – Be clear about your intentions
Before you reach out electronically, ask yourself, “What’s my intention?”
Be honest with yourself about how you feel, what you want, and why you feel inclined to avoid a face-to-face confrontation. Are you using digital communication to avoid dealing with the issue directly? This practice is especially useful when you’re dealing with an emotionally charged situation.
#2 – Think before you post
It’s okay to write out how you really feel—especially when you’re feeling stressed. However, it’s important to remember that we don’t have to immediately post or send everything.
Consider saving drafts and reviewing them after you’ve had a chance to think through how you’re truly feeling. I’ve done this many times, and often end up editing or simply deleting the message in favor of talking it through in a live conversation or letting it go completely.
#3 – Request a live conversation
Instead of engaging in lengthy digital exchanges, consider requesting a specific time to talk about the situation live – on the phone, via video, and in person if possible.
A great email response can simply be, “Thanks for your note, this seems like something that would be better to discuss live than by email. Let’s set up a time to talk later today or this week.”
#4 – Speak your truth
When it comes to live conversations, focus on being real, not right. You’re not trying to win an argument or place the blame on the other person—rather, you’re trying to let them know what’s on your mind.
To avoid playing the blame game, work on using “I statements” (I think, I feel, I notice, I want, etc.). Own your judgments and pay attention to whether you’re starting to blame the other person(s) involved. If so, acknowledge it, apologize for it, and get back to speaking your truth.
#5 – Reach out for support
When you’re dealing with an emotionally charged conflict, it’s best to reach out for support from other people you trust and respect. Don’t just reach out to someone who will tell you what you want to hear—find someone who’s capable of giving you their honest feedback.
A trusted friend can help you talk through ideas and process your difficult emotions. Always remember that you don’t have to go through anything alone.
Know when to move from digital communication to live conversation
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to live a conflict-free life. After all, conflicts are a natural part of life, work, and relationships, and they can be a productive way to challenge each other to learn and grow.
As we go through life, it’s helpful to learn how to engage in healthy and effective conflict resolution. While live conversations can be intimidating, it’s worth remembering that they’re still the best approach. When we’re willing to have live conversations, we can save ourselves from unnecessary stress and resolve issues much more efficiently and effectively.
What makes it challenging for you to have live conversations? How have you been able to resolve conflicts effectively by speaking directly about them with the people involved? Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions in the comments below.
Related posts:
- Resolving Conflict
- The Importance of Live Conversations in a Digital Age
- Are You Avoiding a Difficult Conversation?
- The Importance of Live Conversations
It goes without saying that we’re living in some pretty crazy times right now. There’s a lot going on in the world around us, and that’s on top of all the important events taking place within our own personal and professional lives.
With all that’s happening, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. You might feel scared, angry, sad, lonely, and more. You may also feel grateful, excited, curious, and inspired as well. Being aware of how we feel is important to our mental, emotional, and physical health, as well as to our relationships to those we live with and work with.
Honoring our emotions isn’t about being self-absorbed – it’s about being true to ourselves. When we’re honest about how we feel, and when we engage in authentic conversations with other people, we build the kind of true, authentic relationships capable of seeing us through the ups and downs of life.
What does it mean to be real about how you feel?
Personally, I’ve asked myself this question many times. However, I find that it can be hard, especially at certain times and some situations, to honor my emotions and share how I really feel with others.
Some of the concerns that can get in our way when being real about how we feel are…
- What if people don’t like or approve of me?
- What if people think I’m being selfish?
- What if people think I’m being overly emotional?
- What if I’m not good enough?
- What if I’m not important enough?
- What if I feel uncomfortable or make others feel uncomfortable?
- What if me expressing this feeling seems awkward or inappropriate?
- What if people make fun of me for feeling or saying what’s true for me?
Even though we may know better, these negative thoughts (and many others) tend to get in the way of us expressing how we really feel.
Unfortunately, when we don’t honor our feelings, we disconnect from ourselves in a damaging way. We also create separation between us and other people – those we live with, work with, and who are most important to us. If they don’t know how we really feel, how can they truly connect with and support us?
5 ways to be real about how you feel
Here are some practical ways to counteract the blocks that may get in your way and, ultimately, empower you to share how you really feel.
#1 – Be real with yourself
It all starts with yourself. When you’re willing to be real about what you want and how you feel, you open yourself up to authenticity – both with yourself and others.
Make a practice of getting in touch with your true feelings. Even if you’re unclear about a specific situation, or if a particular emotion is scary, try to sit with it for a while and just feel it. Journaling is a great way to practice being honest with ourselves, since it gives us a chance to express ourselves without the fear of judgment.
#2 – Stop judging yourself
Speaking of judgment – it’s one of the biggest things that can get in the way, especially when it comes to feeling our real emotions. I shouldn’t feel this way, you might say to yourself. If I share this, they’ll think I’m a terrible person.
These self-critical thoughts encourage us to suppress how we really feel. Unfortunately, this can take a toll on us and others. Try to be real and honor your truth without judgement.
#3 – Give yourself permission to feel
Most of us operate with a hierarchy of emotions: we’re happy to feel the “good” ones (love, joy, gratitude, peace) but don’t usually like the “bad” ones (anger, fear, hurt, sadness, powerlessness, etc).
However, it’s important to remember that all human emotions have value – and they can benefit us if we’re willing to feel them in an authentic way. When we give ourselves permission to feel what we’re actually feeling, without judgment or resistance, we’re able to honor and move through our emotions in a way that can liberate us.
#4 – Let go of your “story”
Most of us are attached to a certain “story,” especially when it comes to our emotions. It’s easy to get sucked into all the drama. While our life story is important, unfortunately, obsessing over the details of a particular story can block us from genuinely feeling our emotions.
Work on feeling your emotions authentically. Don’t just talk about them, or rationalize them, or explain them away – really feel them. Honest expression is one of the best ways to move through any emotion. As my counselor, Eleanor, often says to me, “Feel the feeling…drop the story.”
#5 – Get emotional support
Unfortunately, most of us have not received a lot of emotional training in our lives. We tend to lack the built-in, healthy emotional support mechanisms needed to get through our day-to-day lives, especially given the intensity of the world these days. Instead, we often focus on appearances, actions, and results – all of which can keep us from feeling our real emotions.
There are people and resources around you that you can tap into for emotional support. Look for and find ways to get the type of assistance you want and deserve.
Make a commitment to being real
By authentically honoring, feeling, and expressing our emotions, we gain the power to enhance our well-being, eliminate unnecessary suffering, resolve conflicts, and build deeper connections with those around us.
While we’re all beautifully unique as individuals, we all universally experience the full range of emotions as human beings. Remembering this and having the courage to be real about how we truly feel reminds us that we’re all in this thing called life together.
What can you do to be real about how you feel these days? What specific emotional support could you use right now? Share your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and experiences in the comments section below.
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We Have More Than This Requires
Today’s world is full of uncertainty. Amidst the chaos and confusion, it’s easy to feel scared, angry, sad, and more. But how can we address these complicated feelings? How can we support ourselves—as well as the people around us—through times of change?
If you’re looking to inspire and uplift others, it’s important to lead with compassion. Not only does this practice help us get through the day-to-day, but it also fosters a culture of engagement and success that’s beneficial to everyone.
What is leading with compassion?
Before we look into why it matters, it’s important to understand what exactly we mean when we talk about leading with compassion.
As I mention in my book We’re All in This Together, I’ve heard people describe compassion as “empathy in action.” While empathy is about understanding the emotions of others, compassion takes it a step further by actively contributing to other people’s well-being.
When we lead with compassion, we make a deliberate choice to demonstrate our care for other people in a specific and overt way. And, according to Professor Chris Kukk, Dean of the Cormier Honors College at Longwood University in Farmville, VA, choosing to lead with compassion can lead to something pretty incredible.
Through his research, Dr. Kukk, a professor of political and social science, found that compassion helps build resilience, improve physical health, and motivate both teams and individuals towards more successful outcomes. When teams created a culture of compassion, he concluded that their members were more likely to be engaged, innovative, and collaborative, encouraging everyone involved to perform at their best.
As Dr. Kukk explains in an interview with Psychology Today, “Success is often associated with the individualistic idea of only looking out for number one. However, even Darwin suggested that the most efficient and effective species have the highest number of sympathetic members.”
Leading with compassion: a real-world example
So, what does it look like to lead with compassion?
To learn more about this, I spoke to Scott Shute, the former VP of global customer operations at LinkedIn. For more than six years, he led an organization of more than 1,000 people, inspiring him to take on a new role as the company’s head of mindfulness and compassion programs.
As Scott explained on my podcast, he and his team implemented a wide array of programs to support the people at LinkedIn. Many of these initiatives focused on expanding people’s skills and awareness, and they were widely successful.
“One of the biggest skills needed to achieve our vision at LinkedIn was compassion,” Scott said. “We believe that compassion is not just a better way to live, it’s a better way to build a team and grow a business that is successful, sustainable, and has a positive impact in the world.”
3 tips for leading with compassion
Compassion, like kindness, is something we can cultivate, nurture, and practice. It’s an active choice to consciously and authentically take a friendly, supportive, and considerate approach toward the people in our lives.
According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association, people who were treated kindly at work repaid those efforts by being 278 percent more generous towards their coworkers.
Essentially, kindness is contagious. The more compassionate we are with our team members, the more likely they are to be that way with us and everyone else around us. Backed by a consistent and deliberate practice of compassion, we’re able to build a kind and caring culture that allows us all to achieve our best results.
Here are a few ways to start cultivating compassion in your life:
#1 – Check in with people
Simply ask people how they’re doing, and give them the space to answer honestly and openly. Showing your interest in other people and their overall well-being is one of the best ways to let them know you care. This is the embodiment of leading with compassion and kindness.
#2 – Listen—really listen
Most people want to be seen and heard. That’s why it’s so important that to listen to them with empathy, and hold back our thoughts and opinions. Give people the space they need to get it all off their chest. Don’t bombard them with advice unless it’s something they specifically ask for.
#3 – Share your feelings with vulnerability
Vulnerability is courageous and liberating. It allows us to connect authentically with those around us in a genuine way. Best of all, it encourages people to share openly and build real trust. When we open up to other people in a vulnerable way, we encourage them to feel safe doing the same with us.
The Bottom Line
Leading with compassion makes a big difference when it comes to building deeper connections with others. Whether you’re looking to build strong bonds with friends and family or boost your relationships at work, the more compassion you lead with, the more effective, positive, and meaningful your interactions will be. And with all the stress, fear, and chaos in the world right now, we could all use more compassion.
How do you lead with compassion? What does compassion mean to you? Share your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and experiences in the comments section below.
Related Links:
Stay Positive in the Midst of Adversity
Give Yourself More Time and Space
Appreciating People
How often do you find yourself trying to impress others?
Maybe you feel it at work. Maybe it happens when you’re with your friends and family. Maybe it strikes when you log into social media or show up to a class reunion. It’s that nagging feeling, that annoying voice in the back of your head—and it’s telling you that the only way to succeed in life is to look good to others.
Unfortunately, many of us spend a lot of time trying to impress the people around us. While this makes sense and is a natural tendency, it can be quite harmful in many ways and often keeps us from doing, saying, and being who we truly want to be.
Be Yourself
I’ve also wasted a lot of time and energy throughout my life trying to impress people.
Whether it was at school, in an office, or participating on a sports team, I found myself in many situations where my performance was up for evaluation. It’s also carried into my work speaking, writing, coaching, podcasting, and more.
Trying to manage, control, and, ultimately, manipulate other people’s perceptions of us isn’t just exhausting—it’s also pretty much impossible. I’m reminded of the title of a book by Terry Cole-Whittaker called What You Think About Me is None of My Business. Isn’t that such a great reminder for all of us?
We can save ourselves from a lot of unnecessary stress and anguish when we stop trying to impress others and start focusing on honoring ourselves. In other words, being true to ourselves, feeling good about who we are, and showing up in the most authentic way possible are all things that give us real power—not trying to be someone we aren’t or trying to be validated by the opinions of others.
As the wise sage Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” So true!
Acknowledge Yourself
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to perform well and receive positive feedback for our work. However, when we focus on impressing people, we give away our power and set ourselves up for unnecessary stress, worry, and fear.
It’s important to recognize that validation from other people isn’t what proves our worth—instead, we can turn within and focus on genuinely acknowledging ourselves. When we’re willing to appreciate who we are, we can truly be free and tap into our innate power.
Do you struggle with being a people-pleaser? Are there times when you’ve caused unnecessary stress trying to impress other people? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
For more reading, check out these posts:
Give Yourself More Time and Space
3 Ways to Stay Positive
Tips on Resolving Conflict
Do you appreciate the holidays?
I’ll admit it—for me, appreciating this time of year is a whole lot easier said than done. In fact, if I’m being honest, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with the holidays. On one hand, I love the parties, decorations, rituals, and gifts. On the other hand, I can get overwhelmed by the stress, drama, and obligations of it all.
Can you relate? Do you also worry that you’re not doing enough? That you’re behind on your to-do list? That you won’t get everything done in time, or that you won’t be able to make things right for the people you love the most?
This year I’m focused on appreciating the holiday season for what it is—regardless of the circumstances that remain out of my control.
Here are some things we can do to keep things in perspective and appreciate this time of year
1. Take Responsibility
The holiday season can be chaotic. It’s no wonder that so many of us blame the season for the stress we feel, rather than examining its real source—ourselves.
We’re the creators of our own experiences, regardless of the time of year or what’s going on around us. The more we remember this, the more we empower ourselves to take control of our circumstances. This year, make a conscious effort to enjoy the whole experience of the holidays without lumping additional pressure on yourself.
2. Choose How You Engage
Not only do we have the power to create our own experiences, but we also have a choice in the way we show up.
As the holidays approach, you may be feeling a bit anxious about spending time with certain people or showing up to certain events. Remember that you have a choice in how you engage with these people and situations. You can choose to be cranky, annoyed, or upset—or you can decide to enjoy the fun and not take things personally instead.
3. Center Your Appreciation
Even with the stress, obligation, and more, this time of year can give us the opportunity to get together with people we love and care about.
Let’s make a conscious choice to focus on what—and who—we truly appreciate. Work on telling the truth about how you really feel. If possible, don’t show up to events you don’t want to attend, and don’t surround yourself with people out of a sense of duty. If that’s not in the cards, don’t stress. Instead, make a commitment to appreciate the good and take in all the blessings in your life.
Have A Happy Holiday Season
This holiday season, let’s try to take a step back. Regardless of what kind of year you’ve had, take some time to pat yourself on the back. Celebrate your accomplishments, and learn from your mistakes. Then, take a look at what’s around you. Really experience the gratitude you have for the people in your life. If not now, when?
Make the choice to enjoy these next few weeks and have a truly happy holiday.
What can you do to appreciate and enjoy this holiday season as best as possible? Share your thoughts, feelings, and ideas in the comments.
Related posts:
Stay Grounded During the Holiday
The Greatest Gift We Can Give
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