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In today’s busy world with a never-ending “to-do” list of obligations, responsibilities, and commitments, it can be hard for us to take a real break.
But taking breaks in the midst of the daily grind is vital for our mental, physical, and emotional health.
Why Taking Breaks is So Important
Wherever you are in your career and life, it’s essential to build in time to rest, relax, and rejuvenate.
We used to get built-in breaks when we were in school (winter, spring, summer, and more), but in the real world, it can be a lot tougher to take time off, especially these past few years. Even if we do get vacation days, it can be hard to really disconnect and some of us even fear taking time off.
As I grew my own business, got married, and built a family, I began to see both the necessity and difficulty of carving out downtime.
Taking breaks means giving ourselves permission to unplug and let go, which is actually easier said than done for many of us. It gives us a chance to rest our brains, shift our daily habits, and let our minds wander. Doing these things are essential for our relationships, work, wellbeing, and creativity.
We are never promised tomorrow, and no one is sure what each day will bring.
I’ve experienced quite a bit of loss and grief in my life. As hard and painful as this can be, it does force us to stop and reflect on our own lives. It makes us ask why we’re doing what we’re doing and what really matters.
We all have deadlines, commitments, meetings, projects, and other things that are important. But we never know what’s going to happen. Tomorrow is not promised. That’s why it’s important to rest in between all of our activities and ambitions.
A break can be a nice vacation, or it can just be something simple, such as going for a quiet walk or reading a book.
You don’t have to plan an elaborate getaway, as nice as those can be. A break can be as simple as disconnecting for a few minutes to stare out the window and appreciate your life.
I keep one journal for thoughts/feelings and another specifically for gratitude. I find when I take the time to write in these books, it always gives me a nice built-in time for reflection.
Doing little things like journaling, or even going on a walk and being present with yourself and your surroundings can make a difference.
Staying busy can be a way to distract ourselves from our own feelings.
We have so many ways to numb and distract ourselves these days, especially with work, technology, social media, and more. Feeling our feelings can be hard, painful, and scary, but that’s where the juice of life happens.
The more time we give to fully feeling all of our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, the more quickly we move through them.
We’re all in this together.
When we get down to the essence of who we are as human beings, we may be different in so many ways, yet we all know what it’s like to feel universal emotions like joy, sadness, gratitude, fear, peacefulness, anger, love, and more.
When we take breaks, we allow ourselves to get in touch with our humanity and who we really are. This helps us check in with ourselves and in turn allows us to connect more authentically with others.
As busy as we all are and as much as is coming at us all the time, it’s essential for us to slow down, step back, and engage with ourselves and each other in a conscious and deliberate way. Doing this reminds us that even though it may not always seem like it, we truly are all in this together.
Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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Do you struggle with control?
If you are anything like me and many people I know, letting go of control might be a challenge.
I had a simple but profound experience in the swimming pool a while back – learning to float on my back for the first time in my life. I do know how to swim and enjoy being in the water, but for some reason, I never was able to figure out how to float on my back when I learned to swim as a kid, and as an adult, it hasn’t been something that has come up as an issue in my life.
Thanks to the help of a friend who coached me, I was able to let go and allow the water to support me. It felt scary at first, but it was an incredibly liberating and relaxing experience once I figured it out. As I was floating there in the pool, I had many thoughts, feelings, and insights – the biggest of which had to do with my obsession with controlling things and my struggle with letting things go.
Would you consider yourself very controlling, moderately controlling, or not controlling at all? Control is an issue that can get in our way – especially in the most important (and stressful) areas of life and work.
3 Things That Make Letting Go Difficult
To understand why letting go of control may be hard for us, we must take a look at the underlying causes.
Many beliefs and experiences can lead us to hold on tight and feel the need to control others, situations, circumstances, money, communications, our team, workflow, details, our work environment, and various other aspects of our lives.
However, here are three things that are usually underneath our controlling tendency:
- Fear: We worry that things won’t turn out, we will get hurt, bad things will happen, etc.
- Unworthiness: We don’t feel as though we deserve support, help, or for things to go our way.
- Lack of Trust: We’re scared to let go, count on others, and believe that things will be okay without us managing every aspect of the situation, relationship, conversation, etc.
When it comes to leadership and teamwork, specifically, it’s essential to trust those around you. Because if you don’t trust your team, you will lose control.
What does being controlling cost us?
There is a huge cost associated with control. This negative impact is not only on us and our well-being but also on those we love, the people we work with, and everyone around us.
Here are some of the biggest costs:
- Joy
- Peace
- Freedom
- Energy
- Creativity
- Support
- Ease
- Connection
- Love
- Collaboration
How can we expand our capacity to let go of control?
There are many things we can do to let go of control. With compassion for ourselves, it’s important to remember that this is a process and something (especially for some of us) that may not come all that easy.
Many of us have been literally “trained” (directly or indirectly) to be controlling, and in specific environments and situations (at work and home), being controlling has been encouraged or seemed necessary for our survival and the survival of those around us.
That being said, here are some things you can do and think about to expand your capacity to let go of control in a positive and liberating way:
Be honest with yourself.
Make an authentic assessment of how control shows up for you. It probably varies a bit for you (as it does for most of us), but at the same time, we all have certain tendencies, especially in the most critical and stressful areas of our lives. With empathy and honesty, take a look at where, how, and why you hold on tight to control in whatever way you do. Be honest with yourself about what this costs and how it impacts you and those around you.
Ask yourself, “Am I willing to let go of control?”
This is an important question to ponder and to answer honestly. In some cases and situations, the answer to this question may be “no.” It’s important to honor that if that’s the case for you. And at the same time, the more willing you are to ask and answer this question, the more likely you are to start letting go of control consciously (assuming it is something you’re genuinely interested in doing). You may not know how to do it or what it would look like, but authentic willingness is always the first step in positive change.
Consider who could support you.
Getting support is one of the most important (and often most vulnerable) aspects of letting go of control. Even though we sometimes feel like we’re all alone, that no one “gets it,” or that we couldn’t possibly make ourselves vulnerable enough to ask for help (especially in certain areas of life), it’s challenging to let go of control without the support of other people.
The irony of asking for help is that many of us don’t feel comfortable doing so and fear it makes us seem weak or needy. And on the flip side, most of us love to be asked for help and enjoy helping others. We can’t do it alone! The good news is that we usually have lots of people in our life who would jump at the chance to support us – if we were just willing to ask for their help.
Surrender.
Surrendering, which is the bottom line of letting go of control, doesn’t mean giving up or not caring, it means trusting and allowing things to be taken care of by others, by the process, and by the Universal Intelligence governing life – some call this God, some call this Spirit, some don’t call it anything, but most of us have an experience of it at some level.
Surrendering is about consciously choosing to trust and have faith. It is something that can liberate us in a profound way and is all about us choosing to let go. And while it’s important to trust ourselves, sometimes it’s even more important to surrender and trust that things will work out – in one way or another.
When we look back on our lives in hindsight, we usually see that “things happen for a reason.” What if we lived in the present moment with this same hindsight awareness?
Letting go of control is about loosening our grip, allowing ourselves to be supported, and trusting that things will turn out as they are meant to. Is this easy? Not usually. However, as we practice this and expand our capacity to let go, we’ll be able to release and transform a good amount of unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety from our lives, our work, and our relationships.
Letting go of control helps you grow as a leader, a team member, and, most importantly, a human being.
Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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This article was originally published on September 6, 2012 and updated for 2022.
Embracing our emotions can be challenging. When it comes to finding healthy ways to feel and even express our anger, specifically, the stakes can feel even higher. We often think of anger as something to be ashamed of, avoided, or hidden.
However, learning how to feel and express our anger in healthy ways is an important part of our emotional development. It makes us better leaders, better partners, better parents, and better people.
Although anger is an intense emotion that can be challenging for us to embrace, there can be real value in giving ourselves more freedom to tap into it. Anger can sometimes motivate us to say things we need to say and help us dig deep enough to have those important, sweaty-palmed conversations that are long overdue and can be easy to avoid.
(Are you avoiding a difficult conversation? Read this post next)
Good vs. Bad Emotions
First, let’s talk about what we deem “good” emotions versus those, like anger or jealousy, that we tend to see as “bad.”
Keep in mind, while we may be experiencing certain emotions in a negative context, that doesn’t mean any emotion is inherently good or bad. Instead, emotions become problematic when we suppress them and don’t feel them authentically. After all, we’ve been trained to suppress our emotions and in service of being “professional,” “grown-up,” or “appropriate.” This can sometimes mean we can get stuck and unable to feel or express our true emotions.
Many of us have been conditioned to keep our feelings under wraps. Things like our age, gender, race, background, and other factors often play a role in how much space we feel we have to express our emotions. For example, many men in Western society are socialized to “be strong” and not show weakness, which can make it harder for us to embrace our emotions—especially those seen as negative. Alternatively, many people who self-identify as being a member of one or more non-dominant groups, may not feel safe enough to express their true feelings for fear of retribution, isolation, or even violence.
When we don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions, they can start to control us. We may find ourselves lashing out in anger or freezing up when we’re feeling overwhelmed with sadness. In these cases, our emotions are no longer serving us—they are running our lives.
Passing Emotions vs. States
It’s also worth mentioning there’s a difference between feeling an emotion and living in that state. Emotions come and go, and feeling a certain way is different than being that way.
For example, when we say “I’m feeling mad,” as opposed to “I’m mad,” it makes it more about the passing emotion and less about living in a state of anger. Not to mention, anger is often a secondary emotion. The truth is, bursts of anger can really be unresolved hurt and disappointment, or underlying sadness or fear. But embracing the emotions you’re feeling in that moment can help you get to the root of what’s causing you to feel that way in the first place. Feeling these feelings is also what can stop us from becoming them.
In short, all of our emotions are valid and worth exploring—even the ones we don’t enjoy. So, how do we do that? How can we start to embrace our anger and other challenging emotions in a healthy way?
Here are some of my favorite ways to do so…
- Give yourself permission to be angry
- Write an anger letter (read more about anger letters in this post about the power of forgiveness)
- Practice visualization
- Journal
- Do healthy productive things to get the anger out physically in a conscious way (beat on pillows, yell in a secluded environment, exercise)
To learn more about these strategies for embracing emotions, check out my entire podcast episode on the importance of embracing emotions.
Emotions and Leadership
If you’re in a leadership role, keep in mind that great leaders provide a safe space for their team to express their emotions. Just imagine what it could mean for your team if people could express their true feelings in mature and genuine ways. It takes quite a bit of emotional intelligence and maturity to hear and receive someone’s anger and not react to it. But when you demonstrate this skill as a leader, it helps establish a psychologically safe environment in which people can share openly without judgment or fear.
Do you find it hard to feel and express certain emotions? What can you do to allow yourself to tap into anger and other hard emotions in an authentic and liberating way? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
Here are three more to read next:
I tend to take myself a bit too seriously at times, especially when I get stressed, irritated, or scared. How about you?
I’ve noticed that sometimes taking myself too seriously not only makes me less effective in dealing with a difficult situation, but it also causes the difficulty itself, or at the very least exacerbates it.
In these low moments, it’s easy for me to become self-important and to think that the weight of the world is on my shoulders (which is often a bit of an overreaction and rarely helpful).
Here’s Why It’s Important Not to Take Ourselves Too Seriously
When we take ourselves less seriously, we’re able to see the humor in situations, find the silver lining when things don’t go how we want them to, and navigate through the ups and downs of life a bit easier.
Many of us underestimate how important finding the humor in things is.
Here’s an example.
A number of years ago, I was in the airport in Seattle. I was eating pizza and maneuvering my food around my temporary front tooth. I was in the sixth-month process of getting an implant tooth replacement and had to use a temporary at this time.
I took a normal bite of my pizza without thinking about it. The next thing I knew, I looked down, and the temporary tooth had fallen out of my mouth and into my left hand.
Oh my God, it’s 7 p.m., and I have to speak at 9 a.m. I’m in Seattle, and I now have a missing front tooth. What the heck am I going to do?
Valid question, right?
With the tooth in my pocket and my mouth shut tight, I got my bag and made my way to my hotel as fast as possible. I was pretty freaked out. Thankfully, my dentist, Shaya, happens to be a friend of mine whom I’ve known since middle school.
I was able to call her that night and tell her what had happened. She told me not to worry and to put the tooth in some water to soak. After that, I needed to find a drugstore and call her back. Luckily there was one just around the corner from my hotel.
I called Shaya back as I walked into the store with my heart racing. She directed me to find the aisle with denture adhesive and told me which one to pick. I followed the instructions on the box and did what Shaya told me to do the following morning: stick the false tooth back into my mouth using the denture adhesive.
It worked.
I took a few deep breaths, said a prayer, and went down to the hotel ballroom to deliver my keynote speech.
As I was speaking, I could hardly pay attention because I was so preoccupied with my tooth, how I sounded, and my fear of what might happen.
During a discussion session I initiated during the keynote, I looked around and watched everyone talking in pairs as I had invited them to do.
I thought, “this situation is so ridiculous that it’s funny. I hope my tooth doesn’t fall out, but if it does, these people won’t forget me or my speech anytime soon. It would make a great story.” I laughed to myself, gathered the group’s attention, and went on.
While I decided not to let the audience know what was going on inside my mouth (and my head), I was able to embrace the ridiculousness of the situation and not take it so seriously.
Thankfully, my tooth stayed in my mouth, and the speech went well. I was able to make it back home and then back to my dentist’s office the next day without too much embarrassment. A few months later, I got my permanent implant, and, thankfully, I don’t have to worry about my tooth coming out anymore.
How Often Do You Add Unnecessary Stress to Your Life?
There are clearly times in life and specific circumstances that are genuinely serious. However, far too often, we add unnecessary stress, pressure, and negativity to situations with our attitude of “seriousness.”
One of the best things we can do is laugh—at ourselves, the situation, or in general. It’s important for us to allow ourselves to experience the moment as it is and bring some levity if we can.
As Emily Saliers from the Indigo Girls said, “You have to laugh at yourself because you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.”
Laughter is important on many levels. It helps shift our perspective and alter our mood. Research shows that it also has quite a positive impact on our physiology—relaxing our muscles, boosting our immune systems, releasing endorphins, decreasing stress hormones, and increasing blood flow to the heart.
I’m not advocating that we laugh ourselves into denial or avoid dealing with the serious aspects of our lives. As we all know, sometimes laughter can be used as a way of deflecting or in other unhealthy and harmful ways.
However, being able to bring lightness, levity, and laughter into our lives and relationships in an authentic and healthy way is one of the best things we can do to take care of ourselves and keep things in perspective.
Teeth will fall out. All kinds of frustrating things (both big and small) will occur in your life—find the humor in the situation, and your outlook will change.
In other words…don’t take yourself too seriously.
Do you take yourself too seriously at times? How can you practice finding the humor in things when you’re stressed? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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- This, Too, Shall Pass
- The Power of Patience
- Keep Your Head in the Clouds and Your Feet on the Ground
This article was originally published on April 23, 2014, and updated for 2022.
This, too, shall pass.
It is a saying we hear often. People will say it to us when we are going through something difficult, and while there is profound truth and wisdom in this mantra, it can also be tricky.
We must be careful about when and how we say this phrase to others and how we think about it ourselves, especially these days.
So, how can we embrace this in an authentic way amidst our own challenges right now?
How Can We Embrace “This, Too, Shall Pass?”
A big part of embracing “this, too, shall pass” is reminding ourselves that good and bad times don’t last. We can surrender to life’s ebbs and flows, including when we go through something difficult and when we go through something great.
The tricky thing about this phrase, though, is that it sometimes minimizes the experiences that people have.
People go through many challenges and difficulties throughout their lives, and it’s essential to be mindful of this. It’s also important not to compare our challenges, pain, or suffering to what other people are going through.
Imagine someone who is sick or has lost someone close to them. Telling the person that “this, too, shall pass” can be insensitive. It may not speak to the challenge or pain of the moment they’re experiencing.
“This, too, shall pass” is similar to the common saying that “everything happens for a reason” or that “there’s always a silver lining.” While it’s all true, saying these things to people doesn’t often support them or honor their experience.
Remember to be Mindful
We must be mindful when we say these phrases to others – and ourselves. It’s critical to acknowledge the difficulty and challenge of particular experiences with empathy.
We’ve all been through painful things and figured out how to get through them. None of us have been through a global pandemic before, and we are just now beginning to really deal with the impact and difficulties it had on our lives, culture, and economy.
What Can You Control?
Experiences teach us things, and while we can’t control everything in life, what we can control is how we show up.
There are really only two things we can control – our attitude and our effort. Everything else is out of our control.
We’ve all made it through and survived 100 percent of the challenges we’ve endured up to this point in our lives.
We’re All in This Together
Our world has gone through unbelievable stress, challenge, difficulty, war, change, and more throughout history.. But through our adaptability, resilience, grit, and good fortune, we as individuals, families, communities, a nation, and the world have figured out how to overcome these challenges. This doesn’t mean there’s no loss, pain, or impact, but we do know how to get through hard times.
It’s important to acknowledge that life is often an emotional rollercoaster, it’s also critical to allow ourselves to feel the emotions and trust that they will pass – that we will get through it. It doesn’t mean we know exactly when we will get through it, but that’s all a part of the process.
Remembering that we’re all in this together and that this, too, shall pass are two essential things we can hold onto in the midst of everything going on. Remembering how strong and resilient we are and knowing that we will get through whatever we are dealing with are essential things for us to focus on as we navigate any challenge we face.
How do you work your way through challenging times? What can you do to support others going through difficulties? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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