Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

Archives for April 2022

Are You Addicted to Struggle?

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While it isn’t easy to admit, I can see how my own addiction to struggling has actually and somewhat ironically created more struggle in my life.

How about you…are you addicted to struggle? 

Many of us have resistance to allowing things to come easy.

Here are some of the main “reasons” and beliefs we tend to hold in this regard (which can keep our struggle addiction in place):

  • If I don’t have to struggle for something, it doesn’t mean all that much.
  • If things come easy to me, other people will get jealous, won’t like me, or respect me.
  • It’s not fair for things to be easy for me (i.e., I have to struggle)—especially with so many people having such a hard time these days.
  • I get off on struggling and suffering—I’m quite familiar with it, and I’ve used it as motivation to change and “succeed” for much of my life.
  • My ability to work hard, overcome adversity, and rise above challenges are all things my ego uses to feel superior to others.
  • If I don’t struggle for something I won’t feel like I deserve it when it happens.
  • Struggling allows me to avoid taking responsibility for certain aspects of my life and keeps me “focused.” I get to avoid uncomfortable feelings, situations, and circumstances I don’t want to deal with.

Can you relate to any of these? Maybe you have others as well.

Getting in touch with some of these reasons and beliefs can be painful and eye-opening at the same time.  Ownership is the key to change.

Letting Go of Struggle

While working hard, overcoming adversity, and being passionately committed to important things in our lives aren’t inherently wrong—resisting ease and being attached to struggle causes us great stress, worry, and pain. And in many cases, this difficulty is self-induced and unnecessary.

What if we allowed things to be easier? What if we started to speak about and own the aspects of our lives that are easy to us and started to expect things to get even easier? 

What if we let go of our attachment (or addiction, as it were) to struggle? 

Easy doesn’t mean lazy—that we aren’t willing to put in the work or that we expect a “free ride”—it means that we’re willing to have things work out, trust that all is well, and allow life to flow in a positive and elegant way for us.

Our desire and ability to embrace ease in our life isn’t selfish, arrogant, or unrealistic—it’s profoundly optimistic (in an authentic way) and can enhance our ability to impact others. 

The more energy and attention we place on surviving, getting by, or even “striving” for success, the less available we are to give, serve, and make a difference for other people.

Although it can be challenging for many reasons, letting go of our addiction to struggle is one of the best ways we can show up for those around us—both by our example and with our freed-up positive energy.

As Richard Bach famously said, “Argue for your limitations, and they’re yours.”

What if we stopped arguing on behalf of how “hard” things are and started to allow our life to be filled with more peace and ease instead of perpetuating the struggle? 

While the idea of things authentically being easy may not be the easiest thing for you to embrace, especially these days, I challenge you (as I challenge myself) to take this on in your life and become more comfortable with it.

Maybe it will actually be easier than you think.

What can you do to let go of struggle and allow things to be easier? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more in the comments below.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

Liked this post? Here are three more!

The Important Difference Between Self-Righteousness and Conviction

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Self-righteousness can sometimes be hard for us to fully understand and own up to.

Many of us are quite opinionated and will happily share our thoughts openly. The issue isn’t with our opinions or even our willingness to express them passionately; it’s the self-righteousness with which we hold our opinions that can be problematic.

When we hold an opinion with self-righteousness, whether we express it or not, we’re coming from a place of being right. And if I’m right about something and you don’t agree with me, what does that make you?

Wrong.

Now we have a problem.

Self-righteousness separates us from others. In certain relationships, situations, and environments, we might be open and honest enough with other people to let them know directly that we think they’re wrong. We might be able to say straight to their face something like, “I think that’s a bad idea!”

But, more often than not, and especially at work, we bite our tongue in such situations, especially if there is a lack of trust in our relationship with the person or a lack of psychological safety within the group.

We may say, “Thanks for your input; I’ll take that into consideration.” And then we might find someone else we’re close with, and say, “There’s no way we’re doing that!” And then, we’ll continue to find others who agree with us and we’ll gather evidence for why we’re right and those who don’t see it “our way” are wrong.

Self-righteousness negatively impacts us, our relationships, and our teams. It also undercuts our ability to influence those around us and fundamentally damages relationships and trust.

Identifying self-righteousness can be challenging because often when you and I are being self-righteous, we don’t think we’re being self-righteous, we just think we’re right. It takes quite a bit of self-awareness to notice our self-righteousness, and it takes willingness and maturity to let it go, or to at least look at things from a different perspective.

Removing self-righteousness does not mean watering down our opinions, decreasing our passion, or withholding our feedback. Believing strongly in our opinions, as well as in our values and beliefs about life, work, and everything else, is important. However, understanding the difference between conviction and self-righteousness is essential.

When we’re coming from a place of conviction about something, we believe it to be true and we’re willing to speak up about it, to defend our position, or to engage in healthy dialogue or debate about it.

Communicating with conviction is essential to building strong and trusting relationships with those around us, and with having healthy discussions and debates within our team. Being able to discuss things this way is one of the most important benefits of having psychological safety.  Psychological safety is essentially group trust, and is necessary for any team that wants to have a strong culture and to perform at a high level.

As Harvard Business School professor and author Amy Edmondson told me when I had her on my podcast, “Psychological safety is not about being ‘nice’ or even about creating ‘safe spaces’ where everyone feels comfortable all the time. It’s about having enough trust, respect, and courage to engage with each other in a way that allows everyone to do their best work.”

Conviction, however, is also about having the humility, awareness, and maturity to consider we might be wrong—or that, at the very least, there may be other ways to look at whatever it is we’re discussing or debating, even if we don’t see it that way ourselves.

When we cross over into self-righteousness, we’re no longer interested in hearing what anyone else has to say if they disagree with us or have a different perspective. We’re right and anyone and everyone who doesn’t see it our way is wrong. This often shuts down the discussion and can create an intense “Us vs. Them” dynamic that negatively impacts everyone involved, the team, and won’t allow for real authenticity or psychological safety.

Self-righteousness separates us from those who don’t think like we do or hold the same ideas, opinions, or beliefs. At work this leads to disconnection, unresolved conflicts, and factions within teams and organizations, especially these days. Lines get drawn between departments, offices, regions, and levels within the company, making it more difficult to make decisions, collaborate, and get things done in a psychologically safe and effective way.

The natural human response to self-righteousness is defensiveness, which is why when we’re being self-righteous it’s almost impossible to influence others. If we want to connect with those around us in a real way, and create an environment of authenticity, trust, collaboration, and, most specifically, psychological safety, we must be willing to recognize, own, and remove our self-righteousness. Conviction is healthy and important. Self-righteousness is damaging and destructive.

 

What can you do to remove your self-righteousness and shift it to healthy conviction?  Leave your thoughts, ideas, and questions below in the comments.

 

* This is an excerpt from We’re All in This Together, by Mike Robbins, published in paperback by Hay House Business, March 2022

The Challenge and Importance of Self-Care

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It is so important for us to take care of ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually…especially these days. 

Although we know this, it’s much easier said than done, isn’t it? 

If you had told me a few years ago that I’d be spending so much time at home over the past two years, not traveling or speaking—I would have thought that I would be able to take care of myself really well – exercising, resting, meditating, etc.

That wasn’t the case for me for the first year and a half or so of Covid. How about you?  Many people I know and work with have talked to me about challenges along these lines, particularly during the pandemic.

For me, it was and, at times, still is hard to get and stay motivated. It’s easy to get stuck in the monotony of things and also unhealthy patterns with respect to eating, sleeping, exercising—or lack thereof.

Whatever your current struggle may be with self-care, you’re not alone. It continues to be a challenging and stressful time for just about all of us. 

How can we take better care of ourselves? And how do we do so in a more kind and compassionate way?

I have five ideas for what we can do to enhance our self-care in a healthy and effective way right now.

The Importance of Self-Care

Many of us struggle with our approach to self-care. And while self-care is essential, it can be tricky for several reasons. 

Here are some things we can focus on and do to improve how we care for ourselves:

1. Awareness

Awareness is about being mindful and real about how we feel – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  This awareness can be easier said than done, but it is the first step to caring for ourselves in a successful way.

Being authentic with ourselves is essential to our well-being on every level, and this starts with awareness.

2. Compassion

Have compassion for yourself. We’ve been through a lot and we continue to navigate an incredibly challenging time. All that has happened has disrupted how we operate and care for ourselves. If you are struggling, remember, you’re not the only one. 

Sometimes it’s easier to have compassion for others than ourselves. Just remember…you’re not broken, flawed, or screwed up. You’re just human.

There are four steps we can follow when finding great compassion for ourselves and making positive changes:

  1. Recognize (the pattern, thought, or behavior)
  2. Acknowledge (what we’re feeling or doing and the impact it is having)
  3. Forgive ourselves
  4. Change

There’s nothing wrong with us if we’ve picked up some unhealthy habits over the past few years. Have compassion for yourself. And remember to always appreciate and love yourself.

3. Reach out for support

Having other people to talk to can be very helpful. People want to support us, and most of us are fortunate enough to have people in our lives who are there for us…especially if we’re willing to reach out and let them know we need support.

Have you ever noticed other people’s issues and challenges are way easier to address than our own? Even the most intense and complicated situations don’t seem nearly as complex when they are going on for other people…because we’re not emotionally attached to them in the same way we are with our own stuff.

The further away we are from the situation, the easier it is for us to have a healthy perspective on it. Many of our biggest issues are related to our own trauma or negative patterns. 

It can be hard to confront our challenges authentically and effectively—but that’s why therapy and coaching can be so valuable.  When a skilled person can help us look at our stuff from an outside perspective, they can often help us get out of our own way and move through things.

4. Take action

Take some thoughtful and intentional action, even if it’s small. You can journal, walk, meditate, stretch, or take a good old-fashioned break.

Don’t take action for the sake of action, but take intentional action. It might feel awkward at first, but taking action and getting into some kind of movement can make a big difference.

5. Accountability

A very practical and actionable way to overcome struggle or resistance is to have some kind of positive accountability. Accountability helps us move past blocks and stick to healthy habits, especially when they might be different or challenging.

Changing our behavior and trying new things can be scary—but having some accountability can help us take that first step…and then keep going.

Caring for ourselves is so important, particularly right now, and it can be really hard to do.  Let’s be real about it and kind as we look to make some positive shifts and changes with our self-care.

 

What can you do to take care of yourself right now in a compassionate and effective way?  Share your thoughts or questions below in the comments.

7 Musts When Engaging in Healthy Conflict

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The ability for you and your team to effectively engage in conflict may not be all that easy or fun, but it’s fundamental to your performance, both individually and collectively.

As important as engaging in conflict is to the culture and performance of your team, there are both healthy and unhealthy ways of doing it.

Here are seven things to remember when dealing with a conflict or disagreement—one-on-one, within a group, or within your entire team:

  1. Take responsibility. This is not about pointing fingers or figuring out who’s at fault; it’s about owning up to the situation and recognizing that we’re a part of the issue. It’s also about owning our emotions and reactions in an authentic, healthy way.
  2. Address the conflict directly. Conflicts are always handled most successfully when they’re dealt with directly and promptly. Be real and vulnerable when you disagree with someone, or when you have an issue to address, but make sure to do so as soon as possible. Don’t let it fester.
  3. Seek first to understand. As challenging as it can be, the best approach in any conflict situation is to listen with as much understanding and empathy as possible— even when we’re feeling angry or defensive. If we can understand where the other person or people are coming from, even if we don’t agree, we have a good chance of being able to work things out.
  4. Use “I” statements. If someone does or says something and we have a specific reaction to it, that’s real. If we judge someone, make a generalization about them, or accuse them of something, not only is it factually untrue (it’s just our opinion), it will most likely trigger a defensive response. Using “I” statements allows us to speak from a place of authenticity and ownership, ideally without blame or judgment. There’s a big difference when we say “I’m feeling frustrated” versus “You are frustrating.”
  5. Go for a win-win. The only real way to have a conflict resolved authentically is when it’s a true win-win for everyone involved. This doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gets his or her way. It does, however, mean that everyone gets heard, honored, and listened to. And, when and if possible—we make compromises that leave everyone empowered and in partnership.
  6. Acknowledge others. Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation, a situation that involves a few people, or a discussion that includes the whole team, acknowledgment is essential to resolving conflict effectively. Thank the other people involved in the conflict for being willing and able to engage. Thank them for their courage and their truth. Acknowledgment isn’t about agreement; it’s about honoring and appreciating the willingness to have a tough conversation, which is brave all the way around.
  7. Get support and have compassion. Conflicts often bring up fear and cut to the core of our most vulnerable insecurities. Therefore, it’s critical to reach out for authentic support (not necessarily agreement on the topic) from those who can help us work through the issue and resolve it in a healthy and responsible way. It’s also important to have compassion with ourselves and others as we attempt to engage in these conversations. Usually they aren’t fun or easy, but they are necessary for us personally, for our relationships, and for the success of the team.

 

* This is an excerpt from We’re All in This Together, by Mike Robbins, published in paperback by Hay House Business, March, 2022

 

 

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