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As leaders, we’re often taught, explicitly or implicitly, that we’re supposed to know things.
Know the strategy.
Know the numbers.
Know how to fix what’s broken.
Know what to say when someone’s struggling.
But here’s the thing I’ve learned (and continue to re-learn):
Leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about being willing to ask better questions.
The pressure to “know” is real
In high-performing environments, whether it’s sports, business, or anything else, there’s often an unspoken expectation that certainty equals credibility.
That confidence equals competence. That not knowing means you’re not ready, or not good enough.
But in my experience, some of the most powerful leadership moments come not when we provide answers…
…but when we pause long enough to ask a meaningful question.
Curiosity creates connection
When we lead with questions, especially ones rooted in curiosity, humility, and care, we create space:
🔹 For others to feel seen and heard
🔹 For unexpected insights to emerge
🔹 For trust to deepen
It’s in these moments that relationships and teams grow stronger, problems get solved collaboratively, and people feel safe to speak up and contribute.
What kinds of questions matter?
The ones that open, not close. That invite, not assume. That create dialogue, not dominance.
A few that I love:
- “What’s your perspective on this?”
- “Is there anything I’m not seeing?”
- “What do you need most right now?”
- “How can I support you?”
- “What’s getting in the way?”
Questions like these don’t just provide information, they show people that we trust them, value them, and want to understand.
Are you leading with questions, or pressure to perform?
In your leadership, your relationships, your life…
Where might you be carrying the burden of needing to know or fix, when what’s really needed is to ask and listen?
Here’s what helps:
🔹 Trade answers for curiosity. Not knowing isn’t a weakness. It’s often where the best insights begin.
🔹 Resist the urge to solve right away. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is, “Tell me more.”
🔹 Remember: people don’t need perfect. They need presence. You don’t have to be the smartest person in the room, just the most open one.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to care enough to be curious.
This is where trust is built. This is where teams come alive. This is where real leadership begins.
Remember…we’re all in this together.
What can you do to stop yourself from automatically giving advice and challenging yourself to ask different questions? Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions in the comments below.
Related posts:
Trust Is Built in Small Amounts
Appreciating People: Focus on Who They Are
We all have things we’re afraid to address. I call these “sweaty-palmed conversations.”
They usually involve tough feedback, uncomfortable truths, boundaries to be set, disappointments we need to voice, conflicts we’re avoiding, elephants in the room to acknowledge, and more.
And yet… so many of us put these discussions off.
We tell ourselves, “Now’s not the right time.” “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” “Maybe it’ll work itself out.” “They won’t take this well.”
But here’s what I’ve learned, through years of working with leaders, teams, and in my own life…
Avoiding the hard conversations doesn’t make them go away. It just makes them harder when they finally happen.
Why do we avoid them?
Because we care. Because we don’t want to damage relationships. Because we’re scared that we’ll get it wrong.
But what if we reframed these sweaty-palmed conversations, not as threats to connection, but as investments in the people that matter most to us?
Kindness isn’t always comfortable.
We tend to think of kindness as being nice. Agreeable. Easy to be around.
But real kindness, that truly builds trust, isn’t always soft or easy.
It’s honest. It’s direct. It’s respectful, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Hard conversations, when done with care, are one of the deepest forms of respect we can offer another person.
When we have the courage to have a sweaty-palmed conversation with someone, we’re essentially saying to them…
“You matter enough to me that I’m willing to be uncomfortable so we can move forward together.”
In your team, your leadership, your life…
Are there conversations you’ve been avoiding?
- A colleague whose behavior is quietly eroding trust
- A friend who crossed a line
- A team member who needs clarity, coaching, and/or feedback
- Or even… yourself, when something isn’t working
Ask yourself:
What would change if I saw this conversation as an act of service, not a confrontation?
What if I trusted that honesty and compassion could co-exist?
Here’s what helps:
Lead with curiosity, not certainty.
Instead of launching into correction, start with “Can I share something I’ve noticed?” or “I’d love to understand more about…”
Speak from your experience, not their intent.
Use “I” statements, “I felt disappointed when…” vs. “You never support me.”
Stay rooted in care.
If your goal is connection, growth, or clarity, say so. Let them know you’re not here to attack, but to build.
Hard conversations take courage. But they’re also a path to deeper trust, authentic relationships, and stronger teams.
You don’t have to be perfect at having sweaty-palmed conversations, you just must be willing to show up, with clarity, compassion, and a little bravery.
Remember…we’re all in this together.
What makes it challenging for you to have hard conversations? What works for you in having these discussions? Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions in the comments below.
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When it comes to high-performing teams, authentic leadership, and strong relationships, trust isn’t a nice-to-have…it’s the foundation.
But here’s something I’ve learned after more than two decades of working with leaders and teams around the world: Trust isn’t built all at once, it’s built in small amounts, over time.
We sometimes think trust comes from a grand gesture, a big reveal of vulnerability, or a team retreat. While these moments can be meaningful, the truth is that trust is built (and broken) in the day-to-day interactions we have with the people around us.
It’s built in how we show up in meetings and how we keep our word. It’s built when we listen, really listen. And it’s built when we say the hard thing, with care and compassion.
The Myth of the “Trust Fall”
In my early days of speaking, I used to joke about the old-school team-building exercise, the classic “trust fall.” You know, where you fall backwards and hope someone catches you?
It’s a fun metaphor, but real trust doesn’t happen in one dramatic moment. Authentic trust is more like compound interest. Small deposits made consistently that grow over time into something powerful.
So, how do we make these trust deposits?
Here are a few everyday ways to build trust in our teams and relationships:
1. Do What You Say You’ll Do
This might sound simple, but consistency builds trust. When we follow through on commitments (big or small) we reinforce that others can count on us.
2. Own Your Mistakes
Nobody’s perfect. In fact, pretending to be can erode trust. When we take responsibility for our missteps, we show others that we’re accountable; and human. We also remind ourselves and others that vulnerability is actually a strength.
3. Give Others the Benefit of the Doubt
It’s easy to assume negative intent when things go sideways. But assuming positive intent, even when we’re frustrated, keeps the lines of communication open and invites mutual understanding.
4. Operate With Empathy
Trust grows when people feel seen, heard, and valued. Whether it’s a team member struggling through a tough season or a colleague celebrating a win, taking a moment to recognize what’s going on for them matters.
5. Speak Up, Even When It’s Hard
Authenticity fuels trust. That means being willing to say the uncomfortable thing, not to tear someone down, but to build the relationship up. Real connection happens when we’re honest and kind. The foundation of trusting relationships and teams is often the willingness to have those sweaty-palmed conversations, even when they might seem scary.
Trust Is a Daily Practice
Think about the relationships in your life you trust the most. Your closest friend, your most supportive colleague, your partner. Chances are, the trust you have with those important people wasn’t built in a single moment. It was built over coffee chats, honest check-ins, follow-through, and forgiveness.
The same is true for teams, organizations, and leaders. Trust is built in the small, meaningful moments…day by day, choice by choice.
And in a world that often feels uncertain and disconnected, trust remains one of the most powerful currencies we have.
Have you experienced a time when a small moment made a big impact on your trust in someone else? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Showing up as our authentic selves is an important way to build more genuine connections with the people we live with, work with, and interact with in general. When we communicate openly, we feel empowered to share our genuine thoughts, feelings, and opinions with the people in our lives, even when we disagree.
However, I’ve noticed that digital communications have a tendency to escalate everyday differences into all-out confrontations. In these situations, it’s often not the topic itself that causes issues—it’s the channel we use to communicate them.
By knowing when to move from digital to live conversation, we set ourselves on a path to more effective communication with the people who matter most to us, both personally and professionally.
The Digital Dilemma: Why is it so hard to quit?
Communicating over digital platforms like text, Facebook, email, Slack, X (formerly known as Twitter), and others can often exacerbate conflicts. Without the ability to communicate in real time, these platforms tend to prevent us from understanding one another, making it less likely for us to connect with empathy and more likely to escalate conflicts.
So why do we still resort to communicating through these digital channels, even when we know better?
The first reason is convenience. For many of us, electronic communication has become the primary mode of connection, both personally and professionally. We already spend most of our time on our phones, tablets, and computers, so it’s only natural that we feel inclined to use them to reach out to the people in our lives in more complicated moments.
Also, it can feel easier to share our honest feelings in writing. Over text, we can say what feels true to us without having to worry about literally facing the other person’s reaction.
Ultimately, electronic communication requires less courage than live conversations. When we text, email, or DM with someone, we can avoid our fears of rejection or getting hurt. Avoiding the live conversation feels “safer”—and it empowers us to say things we might otherwise withhold.
In spite of these perceived benefits, it’s important to remember that resolving conflicts, aligning with others, and building trust are actually much more difficult when we avoid communicating face-to-face. In fact, it’s usually much easier to find a positive resolution when we have live conversations. The fear may be real, but most often the “threat” is not.
5 Ways to Practice Better Communication
To enhance your communication skills and resolve conflicts more effectively, consider adopting the following strategies:
#1 – Be clear about your intentions
Before you reach out electronically, ask yourself, “What’s my intention?”
Be honest with yourself about how you feel, what you want, and why you feel inclined to avoid a face-to-face confrontation. Are you using digital communication to avoid dealing with the issue directly? This practice is especially useful when you’re dealing with an emotionally charged situation.
#2 – Think before you post
It’s okay to write out how you really feel—especially when you’re feeling stressed. However, it’s important to remember that we don’t have to immediately post or send everything.
Consider saving drafts and reviewing them after you’ve had a chance to think through how you’re truly feeling. I’ve done this many times, and often end up editing or simply deleting the message in favor of talking it through in a live conversation or letting it go completely.
#3 – Request a live conversation
Instead of engaging in lengthy digital exchanges, consider requesting a specific time to talk about the situation live – on the phone, via video, and in person if possible.
A great email response can simply be, “Thanks for your note, this seems like something that would be better to discuss live than by email. Let’s set up a time to talk later today or this week.”
#4 – Speak your truth
When it comes to live conversations, focus on being real, not right. You’re not trying to win an argument or place the blame on the other person—rather, you’re trying to let them know what’s on your mind.
To avoid playing the blame game, work on using “I statements” (I think, I feel, I notice, I want, etc.). Own your judgments and pay attention to whether you’re starting to blame the other person(s) involved. If so, acknowledge it, apologize for it, and get back to speaking your truth.
#5 – Reach out for support
When you’re dealing with an emotionally charged conflict, it’s best to reach out for support from other people you trust and respect. Don’t just reach out to someone who will tell you what you want to hear—find someone who’s capable of giving you their honest feedback.
A trusted friend can help you talk through ideas and process your difficult emotions. Always remember that you don’t have to go through anything alone.
Know when to move from digital communication to live conversation
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to live a conflict-free life. After all, conflicts are a natural part of life, work, and relationships, and they can be a productive way to challenge each other to learn and grow.
As we go through life, it’s helpful to learn how to engage in healthy and effective conflict resolution. While live conversations can be intimidating, it’s worth remembering that they’re still the best approach. When we’re willing to have live conversations, we can save ourselves from unnecessary stress and resolve issues much more efficiently and effectively.
What makes it challenging for you to have live conversations? How have you been able to resolve conflicts effectively by speaking directly about them with the people involved? Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions in the comments below.
Related posts:
- Resolving Conflict
- The Importance of Live Conversations in a Digital Age
- Are You Avoiding a Difficult Conversation?
- The Importance of Live Conversations
It goes without saying that we’re living in some pretty crazy times right now. There’s a lot going on in the world around us, and that’s on top of all the important events taking place within our own personal and professional lives.
With all that’s happening, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. You might feel scared, angry, sad, lonely, and more. You may also feel grateful, excited, curious, and inspired as well. Being aware of how we feel is important to our mental, emotional, and physical health, as well as to our relationships to those we live with and work with.
Honoring our emotions isn’t about being self-absorbed – it’s about being true to ourselves. When we’re honest about how we feel, and when we engage in authentic conversations with other people, we build the kind of true, authentic relationships capable of seeing us through the ups and downs of life.
What does it mean to be real about how you feel?
Personally, I’ve asked myself this question many times. However, I find that it can be hard, especially at certain times and some situations, to honor my emotions and share how I really feel with others.
Some of the concerns that can get in our way when being real about how we feel are…
- What if people don’t like or approve of me?
- What if people think I’m being selfish?
- What if people think I’m being overly emotional?
- What if I’m not good enough?
- What if I’m not important enough?
- What if I feel uncomfortable or make others feel uncomfortable?
- What if me expressing this feeling seems awkward or inappropriate?
- What if people make fun of me for feeling or saying what’s true for me?
Even though we may know better, these negative thoughts (and many others) tend to get in the way of us expressing how we really feel.
Unfortunately, when we don’t honor our feelings, we disconnect from ourselves in a damaging way. We also create separation between us and other people – those we live with, work with, and who are most important to us. If they don’t know how we really feel, how can they truly connect with and support us?
5 ways to be real about how you feel
Here are some practical ways to counteract the blocks that may get in your way and, ultimately, empower you to share how you really feel.
#1 – Be real with yourself
It all starts with yourself. When you’re willing to be real about what you want and how you feel, you open yourself up to authenticity – both with yourself and others.
Make a practice of getting in touch with your true feelings. Even if you’re unclear about a specific situation, or if a particular emotion is scary, try to sit with it for a while and just feel it. Journaling is a great way to practice being honest with ourselves, since it gives us a chance to express ourselves without the fear of judgment.
#2 – Stop judging yourself
Speaking of judgment – it’s one of the biggest things that can get in the way, especially when it comes to feeling our real emotions. I shouldn’t feel this way, you might say to yourself. If I share this, they’ll think I’m a terrible person.
These self-critical thoughts encourage us to suppress how we really feel. Unfortunately, this can take a toll on us and others. Try to be real and honor your truth without judgement.
#3 – Give yourself permission to feel
Most of us operate with a hierarchy of emotions: we’re happy to feel the “good” ones (love, joy, gratitude, peace) but don’t usually like the “bad” ones (anger, fear, hurt, sadness, powerlessness, etc).
However, it’s important to remember that all human emotions have value – and they can benefit us if we’re willing to feel them in an authentic way. When we give ourselves permission to feel what we’re actually feeling, without judgment or resistance, we’re able to honor and move through our emotions in a way that can liberate us.
#4 – Let go of your “story”
Most of us are attached to a certain “story,” especially when it comes to our emotions. It’s easy to get sucked into all the drama. While our life story is important, unfortunately, obsessing over the details of a particular story can block us from genuinely feeling our emotions.
Work on feeling your emotions authentically. Don’t just talk about them, or rationalize them, or explain them away – really feel them. Honest expression is one of the best ways to move through any emotion. As my counselor, Eleanor, often says to me, “Feel the feeling…drop the story.”
#5 – Get emotional support
Unfortunately, most of us have not received a lot of emotional training in our lives. We tend to lack the built-in, healthy emotional support mechanisms needed to get through our day-to-day lives, especially given the intensity of the world these days. Instead, we often focus on appearances, actions, and results – all of which can keep us from feeling our real emotions.
There are people and resources around you that you can tap into for emotional support. Look for and find ways to get the type of assistance you want and deserve.
Make a commitment to being real
By authentically honoring, feeling, and expressing our emotions, we gain the power to enhance our well-being, eliminate unnecessary suffering, resolve conflicts, and build deeper connections with those around us.
While we’re all beautifully unique as individuals, we all universally experience the full range of emotions as human beings. Remembering this and having the courage to be real about how we truly feel reminds us that we’re all in this thing called life together.
What can you do to be real about how you feel these days? What specific emotional support could you use right now? Share your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and experiences in the comments section below.
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