Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

Archives for May 2010

Be Flexible

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How flexible are you?  For me, it depends – on my mood, how much fear or resistance I have about something, how attached I am to a particular outcome, and various other factors.

However, as I look throughout my life (now and in the past), I realize that the situations, relationships, and experiences that cause me the greatest stress and frustration, are almost always the places where I’m not being flexible.  And, on the flip side, the more flexible I am – the more peace, ease, and fulfillment become available.

Today, more than ever, we are challenged to be flexible – in our work, our relationships, and in every other important aspect of our lives.  However, due to our own fear, arrogance, resistance, stress, and obsession with being right, we often end up being inflexible to our own detriment and to the frustration of those around us (or so I’ve been told).

Being flexible is not about being weak, wimpy, or passive.  Flexibility is a conscious choice, a powerful skill, and a valuable approach to the ever-changing, always-evolving world we live in.  We can be firm in our convictions, passionate about our beliefs, and clear about our intentions, and at the same time be flexible enough to make significant changes and be open to new ideas along the way.

Here are some key elements to expanding your own capacity for flexibility in your life – which will lead you to greater peace, joy, and fulfillment:

– Let Go of Your Attachment – Whenever we get attached to something – a specific outcome, a particular way of doing things, a rigid opinion, etc. – we are, by definition, inflexible.  Letting go of our attachment to something doesn’t mean we negate our desire or intention, it simply means we let go of controlling every aspect of it, forcing the action, and our fixation on it being exactly the way we think it should be.  This is a process of conscious “non-attachment” (letting go), as opposed to detachment (not caring).

– Be Willing to Be Wrong – Most of us love to be right and will do and say just about anything to avoid being wrong.  Our obsession with “rightness” and fear of “wrongness” often gets in the way of going for what we want, saying what’s on our mind, and letting go of our fixed ideas about how things are supposed to be.  When we’re willing to be wrong (not necessarily interested in or intending to be wrong), we free ourselves up and give ourselves permission to take risks, try new things, and approach things (even really important things) with a creative, innovative, and flexible perspective.

– Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously – Taking ourselves too seriously (something which I know a thing or two about), creates unnecessary stress, pressure, and worry.  When we’re able to laugh at ourselves (in a kind way), keep things in perspective, and remember that most of what we deal with on a daily basis in life is not life or death – we can take ourselves less seriously and thus have a more balanced, peaceful, and creative way of relating to things.

– Go with the Flow – If we pay attention to life, there is a natural flow that exists (although it may not always look like it or feel like it).  The more we’re able to tap into the natural flow of life, trust ourselves and others, and believe that things will work out – the more likely we are to allow things to roll off our backs and manifest with ease.  As Esther Hicks says, “Most people are rowing against the current of life.  Instead of turning the boat around, all they need to do is let go of the oars.”

– Get Support and Feedback From Others – The support and feedback of others is invaluable in so many aspects of our life and growth, especially as it relates to us being more flexible.  We can learn from and model others who are more flexible than we are.  We can also give people in our life permission to remind us (with kindness) when we get rigid, uptight, over-attached, and start taking ourselves too seriously.

Being flexible is something that’s often easier said than done for many of us.  However, just as with our physical bodies, the more attention we place on expanding our flexibility the more likely we are to do it.  As we enhance our ability to be flexible, our life can and will expand exponentially.

How can you practice being more flexible in your life right now? Share your thoughts, examples, insights, and more on my blog below.

Loving Your Ugly

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Guest article – by Sara Nowlin

To really love ourselves fully, we must love all of who we are – the good, the bad, and especially the ugly.

For me and many people I know, it’s much easier to love and embrace the good – the best parts of us – our talents, positive personality traits, and the most attractive parts of our body.  The bad parts are a little more difficult to love.  Our ugly parts, the ones we often want to ignore or forget, are much more challenging to accept and appreciate. However, it’s these ugly parts that are the most crucial for us to love in order to be authentic and at peace in our life..

When we think of these ugly parts of ourselves, they’re often things we’re ashamed of, feel guilty about, and try to hide from others (and sometimes even ourselves).  They might be parts of our personality, aspects of our body, or even actions or experiences from our past.

The ugly part of myself that I’ve been learning to love is the aspect of my personality that bulldozes people.  This “bulldozer” comes out when I want something to go my way and there are others who think it should go another way.  My actions and attitude will flatten them and silence their voice.

We are taught from a young age that we can only show our good sides, and we must hide the bad ones.  Because we usually hide these ugly parts, we often think we’re the only ones who have them. If we start telling the truth about the ugly parts, we will begin to see that we aren’t alone – it’s just part of being human.

If we can embrace our humanity with compassion and forgive ourselves for these ugly parts, we don’t have to be driven by the need to hide them.  Doing this allows us to become more authentically who we are and also allows us to regain the energy that we’ve used to hold down and hide this ugly stuff.

Sometimes, people confuse “loving” with approving or condoning, especially when our ugly parts hurt others or ourselves. The bulldozer part of me is definitely not something that I approve of or condone.  However, “loving” can mean that we give up making it wrong and become more neutral about it.  In other words, we accept it as part of being human and part of who we are.  I can accept and embrace my bulldozer as one part of the spectrum of my humanness. I don’t have to beat myself up when it comes up, but just own it and apologize when it squashes people.

Here are a few steps to help you love your own ugly and to accept yourself fully:

1) Tell the Truth to Yourself – Before we can shift or change anything, we need to know what we are dealing with.  Examine all the thoughts, feelings, and judgments you have about your ugly parts (or some specific ugly part you want to make peace with).  It often takes a lot of courage for us to shine a light on something we try to keep in the dark.  However, we can’t love or embrace what we can’t see.

2) Be Willing to Give Up the Judgment – Our thoughts and judgments about an ugly part of ourselves can often seem like the “truth.”  However, they are just our thoughts and judgments.  If we can begin to separate our judgments from the truth, there is space to see something new.

3) Find the Value – Everything has some positive value, even the ugliest stuff.  There is a gift, something to appreciate, that this ugly aspect of who you are provides. This is often a difficult step since we have spent so much of our time and energy judging this part of who we are.  Although it may be difficult to find, seeing the value of your ugly is the key to finding compassion and forgiveness for yourself.

4) Embrace and Integrate – Once we find the value, we can begin to embrace it for what it gives us rather than hate it for what it takes away.  The protective walls containing the ugly part start to fall away.  The negative charge around it diminishes.  When you embrace and integrate the ugly, you will find more freedom and ease to be your authentic self.

5) Share with Others – Sharing with other people can remind you that you are not alone.  Friends and family can also support us by reminding us to love that ugly part when we forget.  Sharing can also inspire others to do the same – to love and accept all of who they are.

Please be gentle with yourself as you do this work.  It can be quite challenging and vulnerable, but can have a powerful impact on your life in the process.  Also remember that you don’t have to do it alone.  I often do this work with people I trust since it can be scary to look at the ugly.  But, the freedom and peace that comes from doing this, makes it worth it.

Sara Nowlin is a speaking, consultant, and coach.  For more information about her work you can visit her website or follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

What are some “ugly” aspects of yourself that you’re willing to accept, appreciate, and love?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.