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I tend to take myself a bit too seriously at times, especially when I get stressed, irritated, or scared. How about you?
I’ve noticed that sometimes taking myself too seriously not only makes me less effective in dealing with a difficult situation, but it also causes the difficulty itself, or at the very least exacerbates it.
In these low moments, it’s easy for me to become self-important and to think that the weight of the world is on my shoulders (which is often a bit of an overreaction and rarely helpful).
Here’s Why It’s Important Not to Take Ourselves Too Seriously
When we take ourselves less seriously, we’re able to see the humor in situations, find the silver lining when things don’t go how we want them to, and navigate through the ups and downs of life a bit easier.
Many of us underestimate how important finding the humor in things is.
Here’s an example.
A number of years ago, I was in the airport in Seattle. I was eating pizza and maneuvering my food around my temporary front tooth. I was in the sixth-month process of getting an implant tooth replacement and had to use a temporary at this time.
I took a normal bite of my pizza without thinking about it. The next thing I knew, I looked down, and the temporary tooth had fallen out of my mouth and into my left hand.
Oh my God, it’s 7 p.m., and I have to speak at 9 a.m. I’m in Seattle, and I now have a missing front tooth. What the heck am I going to do?
Valid question, right?
With the tooth in my pocket and my mouth shut tight, I got my bag and made my way to my hotel as fast as possible. I was pretty freaked out. Thankfully, my dentist, Shaya, happens to be a friend of mine whom I’ve known since middle school.
I was able to call her that night and tell her what had happened. She told me not to worry and to put the tooth in some water to soak. After that, I needed to find a drugstore and call her back. Luckily there was one just around the corner from my hotel.
I called Shaya back as I walked into the store with my heart racing. She directed me to find the aisle with denture adhesive and told me which one to pick. I followed the instructions on the box and did what Shaya told me to do the following morning: stick the false tooth back into my mouth using the denture adhesive.
It worked.
I took a few deep breaths, said a prayer, and went down to the hotel ballroom to deliver my keynote speech.
As I was speaking, I could hardly pay attention because I was so preoccupied with my tooth, how I sounded, and my fear of what might happen.
During a discussion session I initiated during the keynote, I looked around and watched everyone talking in pairs as I had invited them to do.
I thought, “this situation is so ridiculous that it’s funny. I hope my tooth doesn’t fall out, but if it does, these people won’t forget me or my speech anytime soon. It would make a great story.” I laughed to myself, gathered the group’s attention, and went on.
While I decided not to let the audience know what was going on inside my mouth (and my head), I was able to embrace the ridiculousness of the situation and not take it so seriously.
Thankfully, my tooth stayed in my mouth, and the speech went well. I was able to make it back home and then back to my dentist’s office the next day without too much embarrassment. A few months later, I got my permanent implant, and, thankfully, I don’t have to worry about my tooth coming out anymore.
How Often Do You Add Unnecessary Stress to Your Life?
There are clearly times in life and specific circumstances that are genuinely serious. However, far too often, we add unnecessary stress, pressure, and negativity to situations with our attitude of “seriousness.”
One of the best things we can do is laugh—at ourselves, the situation, or in general. It’s important for us to allow ourselves to experience the moment as it is and bring some levity if we can.
As Emily Saliers from the Indigo Girls said, “You have to laugh at yourself because you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.”
Laughter is important on many levels. It helps shift our perspective and alter our mood. Research shows that it also has quite a positive impact on our physiology—relaxing our muscles, boosting our immune systems, releasing endorphins, decreasing stress hormones, and increasing blood flow to the heart.
I’m not advocating that we laugh ourselves into denial or avoid dealing with the serious aspects of our lives. As we all know, sometimes laughter can be used as a way of deflecting or in other unhealthy and harmful ways.
However, being able to bring lightness, levity, and laughter into our lives and relationships in an authentic and healthy way is one of the best things we can do to take care of ourselves and keep things in perspective.
Teeth will fall out. All kinds of frustrating things (both big and small) will occur in your life—find the humor in the situation, and your outlook will change.
In other words…don’t take yourself too seriously.
Do you take yourself too seriously at times? How can you practice finding the humor in things when you’re stressed? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
Liked this article? Here are three more!
- This, Too, Shall Pass
- The Power of Patience
- Keep Your Head in the Clouds and Your Feet on the Ground
This article was originally published on April 23, 2014, and updated for 2022.
This, too, shall pass.
It is a saying we hear often. People will say it to us when we are going through something difficult, and while there is profound truth and wisdom in this mantra, it can also be tricky.
We must be careful about when and how we say this phrase to others and how we think about it ourselves, especially these days.
So, how can we embrace this in an authentic way amidst our own challenges right now?
How Can We Embrace “This, Too, Shall Pass?”
A big part of embracing “this, too, shall pass” is reminding ourselves that good and bad times don’t last. We can surrender to life’s ebbs and flows, including when we go through something difficult and when we go through something great.
The tricky thing about this phrase, though, is that it sometimes minimizes the experiences that people have.
People go through many challenges and difficulties throughout their lives, and it’s essential to be mindful of this. It’s also important not to compare our challenges, pain, or suffering to what other people are going through.
Imagine someone who is sick or has lost someone close to them. Telling the person that “this, too, shall pass” can be insensitive. It may not speak to the challenge or pain of the moment they’re experiencing.
“This, too, shall pass” is similar to the common saying that “everything happens for a reason” or that “there’s always a silver lining.” While it’s all true, saying these things to people doesn’t often support them or honor their experience.
Remember to be Mindful
We must be mindful when we say these phrases to others – and ourselves. It’s critical to acknowledge the difficulty and challenge of particular experiences with empathy.
We’ve all been through painful things and figured out how to get through them. None of us have been through a global pandemic before, and we are just now beginning to really deal with the impact and difficulties it had on our lives, culture, and economy.
What Can You Control?
Experiences teach us things, and while we can’t control everything in life, what we can control is how we show up.
There are really only two things we can control – our attitude and our effort. Everything else is out of our control.
We’ve all made it through and survived 100 percent of the challenges we’ve endured up to this point in our lives.
We’re All in This Together
Our world has gone through unbelievable stress, challenge, difficulty, war, change, and more throughout history.. But through our adaptability, resilience, grit, and good fortune, we as individuals, families, communities, a nation, and the world have figured out how to overcome these challenges. This doesn’t mean there’s no loss, pain, or impact, but we do know how to get through hard times.
It’s important to acknowledge that life is often an emotional rollercoaster, it’s also critical to allow ourselves to feel the emotions and trust that they will pass – that we will get through it. It doesn’t mean we know exactly when we will get through it, but that’s all a part of the process.
Remembering that we’re all in this together and that this, too, shall pass are two essential things we can hold onto in the midst of everything going on. Remembering how strong and resilient we are and knowing that we will get through whatever we are dealing with are essential things for us to focus on as we navigate any challenge we face.
How do you work your way through challenging times? What can you do to support others going through difficulties? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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In the wake of some of the recent events in the world and in light of so much of what we’ve all been through the past few years, I’ve been finding it challenging to focus on the good stuff, even though this is at the core of my approach to life and what I teach.
As I’ve been looking at this more deeply, I realize that my commitment is not necessarily to be “positive,” but to be a force for good in the world, regardless of the circumstances.
When facing challenges, I think it’s important to ask ourselves, “who do I want to be in the face of these difficulties?”
Being a force for good doesn’t mean we have to be happy or always find the silver lining. It’s more about making a commitment to ourselves and to those around us that we’ll be part of the solution instead of simply commenting on or adding to the problems themselves.
Doing this allows us to overcome challenges and obstacles and turn problems into life lessons with positive outcomes.
When the issues we’re facing are geo-political, societal, or have to do with natural disasters (as has been the case in recent years), it can often seem overwhelming.
However, how we show up, communicate, and respond to what’s happening around us in the world can have a significant and positive impact when we commit to being a force for good.
How to be a Force for Good
Here are a few things we can do or think about in this regard right now:
1) Look for ways you can help.
Fred Rogers, one of my childhood heroes, famously said, “When I was a boy, and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping’.”
He’s right – and I always try to remember this myself.
In addition to looking for the helpers (and appreciating and honoring them), we can all be helpers in both big and small ways.
Whether we donate money, make phone calls, post, or reach out and share our good thoughts and prayers, there are always ways to help.
And being of service not only helps those we assist directly, but it’s also a way to act as a force for good, no matter the situation.
2) Be proactive with your complaints.
There are two types of complaints – idle complaints (when we whine and moan about how bad things are) and proactive complaints (when we take issue with something and proactively bring it to the attention of those who can potentially do something about it).
An excellent example of this here in our country is contacting our elected representatives – at the national, state, and local level.
Whether we voted for them or not, they work for us. Picking up the phone, writing a letter, sending an email, or posting on social media directly to one of our elected representatives and letting them know how we feel about something specific is a way we can influence change and be proactive with our complaints.
Sitting around and talking about how awful something is, which is understandable and common, especially these days, doesn’t usually make things better. But proactive complaints can be the catalyst for positive and productive change in many situations.
3) Don’t get caught up in the drama.
Over the past few years, I’ve been getting caught up in the constant drama of the daily headlines and news. It’s easy to do, especially given all that has been happening in our country and our world.
However, this usually doesn’t feel great or allow us to be a real force for good. While I think many good journalists are doing essential and courageous work, the media as a whole is set up right now to get our attention and do whatever they can to have us watch, click, and then buy what they’re advertisers are selling.
The news often leads with shock, drama, fear, and outrage, since these things grab us emotionally and get our attention. We must be mindful of how we engage the news and the media.
This constant fear/drama cycle often leads us to feel upset, discouraged, or even depressed. Sometimes the best thing we can do is unplug and look for ways to help.
4) Speak up with authenticity.
There are lots of important things going on around us these days that are calling us to speak up.
Speaking up is an important thing to do. It takes a lot of courage and can be a specific way for us to be a force for good. However, we must be authentic when we speak up.
I define authenticity as honesty – self-righteousness + vulnerability.
It’s important to be honest, but we must also remove our self-righteousness and add vulnerability (emotional exposure, risk, and uncertainty).
We can have a real impact if we’re willing to speak up authentically.
5) Focus on gratitude.
During challenges and difficulties, it’s sometimes hard to focus on gratitude. But it’s also so essential for us to do.
When we see people suffering, we can honor and support them by both acknowledging their pain and at the same time being grateful for our own blessings.
Being grateful isn’t mutually exclusive with wanting to support and be of service to those who are in need. Even during challenging times, there is always so much we can appreciate.
Even though there have been a lot of challenges, pain, loss, and trauma in our country and our world recently, we always have a choice as to how we’re going to show up, what we’re going to do, and who we’re going to be in the face of all of this.
To paraphrase the Greek philosopher, Epictetus, “Circumstances don’t define us, they reveal us.”
Our friends, co-workers, teammates, family members, and the people in our communities benefit most when we show up as authentically as we possibly can and do our best to be a true force for good.
What can you do to be a force for good right now? Share your thoughts, feelings, and insights about this here below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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This article was published in 2017 and has been updated.
As much as we love to lend our support and help others, many of us find asking for help awkward or uncomfortable.
How can we shift our mindset on what it means about us when we’re willing to reach out to others?
When we ask people for their time, feedback, or support in a gracious way, it creates a win-win for everyone. Asking for help is a way to practice vulnerability, which is a necessary aspect of bringing our whole selves to work and life.
Why Do We Struggle Asking for Help?
Most of us have a hard time asking for help. Here are a few different reasons we have trouble doing it.
1. We’re scared of being judged.
We fear that people will judge us or think we’re weak when we ask for help. It’s hard enough to summon up the courage to ask for help – but the fear of judgment behind it can be just as hard to deal with.
2. We don’t want to burden people.
Asking for help brings about the fear that we are annoying people – that we are being a burden on them, especially these days with all that is going on. We also worry about seeming selfish.
3. We’re afraid of rejection.
Many of us also worry that the person we ask for help will say no. We’ll get the courage to push through the fear of being judged and then have to face someone saying no after being so vulnerable.
It’s hard enough to make ourselves vulnerable, and most of us hate feeling rejected and disappointed. The fear of being disappointed and disappointing others can be an overwhelming one.
4. We’re scared they’ll do it wrong.
Another reason some of us struggle asking for help is because we’re scared they’ll do it wrong. Often we think – or even know – that we can do better.
But when we keep our world small and enclosed in only our perspective, it limits how vast our experience can grow and expand to.
If we’re struggling with things, asking for help can help us get through it.
Why Asking for Help is Important
– It helps us be more vulnerable and authentic.
Asking for help is a great way to practice being authentic and vulnerable, which allows us to have empathy for and with other human beings.
I define authenticity as honesty without self-righteousness and with vulnerability. When we ask for help, we put ourselves out there.
Being vulnerable allows us to connect with others, and it is important for us to embrace it. But many of us are afraid to do this because vulnerability carries a sense of risk and uncertainty.
– Practicing vulnerability helps us open up.
Vulnerability means opening up and making ourselves emotionally exposed. We must put our emotions on the line and be willing to fall on our faces. The more we practice being vulnerable, the more we build that muscle, and the more risk we can take while dealing with uncertainty. It helps us build trust with ourselves and with others.
– We will always stay at “no” if we don’t ask.
We don’t get help if we don’t ask. When we ask for support, we worry about rejection or feeling embarrassed – but most of the time, none of those things happen.
Our strongest fears about what will happen when we ask for help rarely occur. The worst-case scenario is getting a “no” or an inauthentic yes. But when we ask, we may get the help and support we need that is super valuable.
When we ask for help, we give others the opportunity for the joy and satisfaction that comes from helping.
Asking for help might scare us, but remember – they might say yes.
When we get support, we are allowing others to help another human being. Asking people for help graciously creates a virtuous cycle. We are more likely to want to help that person in return if they ever ask for help, and vice versa.
We have to be willing to ask for help and also be willing to receive it.
Some of us take pride in being a martyr or think it’s admirable to be burdened with doing it all on our own. However, there is real courage in asking for help.
If we become better at asking for help, we will get more help. We will empower the people around us in a way that nourishes them and us. We can also create an environment where we receive and give support in a generous and abundant way.
When that happens, everyone thrives. Remember: we’re all in this together.
Your challenge for the week is to start asking for help, even when you feel uncomfortable. Remember that asking for help is a courageous and vulnerable task. It’s also an opportunity to both get and give support in a meaningful way.
In what ways can you start asking for help? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably spent more time than you’d like to admit trying to “fix” your “flaws.” Although I may pretend otherwise, many of my goals, desires, and even my motivation to grow and change has often come from a deep place of insecurity within me – thinking that if I could fix what was wrong with me, then everything would be okay. I recently had an insight (one which I’ve had before but this time, it came to me at a deeper level) that maybe instead of focusing on “fixing” my “flaws,” it’s more important to love your flaws and accept them instead.
I’ve resisted this notion of loving my flaws for most of my life, worrying that if I loved the things I thought were wrong with me, they’d somehow never change, and I’d be stuck with them.
However, it is really love that leads to healing and transformation – which ultimately can create the actual change we say we’re looking for, or a true sense of acceptance that gives us access to authentic freedom and liberation, regardless of circumstances.
At a deep level, our “flaws” are subjective and based on our interpretations, perspectives, and judgments. We obsess about certain aspects of our body or appearance, personality, life, or work circumstances and deem them unacceptable.
But, the truth is, these things are just as they are – we add meaning and interpretation to them.
Regardless of how philosophical we get about it, most of us as human beings experience a sense of feeling flawed in certain aspects of our lives and at particular times in life. There is nothing wrong with us for feeling this way. Although, as we each know from experience, feeling flawed can rob us of our energy, passion, happiness, confidence, and life. It’s one of the most painful ways we allow our ego to run our lives, and it can have devastating consequences if we’re not conscious of it.
How to Love Your Flaws
Here are some ideas about how we can move through our experience of feeling “flawed” and to a place of acceptance, compassion, and love.
1. Acknowledge what’s true for you.
The first step in almost every process of growth and change is about telling the truth instead of trying to avoid, run from, or pretend our “flaws” away.
But, if we relate to some aspect of our bodies, personalities, relationships, careers, or lives in general as a flaw, we first have to get real about it if we’re going to do anything about it.
2. Admit and express the underlying emotions.
If we can identify, acknowledge, and ultimately express the genuine emotions we’re experiencing related to this perceived flaw, we can create a real sense of liberation for ourselves.
If a specific aspect of your personality, body, or career bothers you and you find yourself feeling ashamed – as uncomfortable or negative as it may seem, the best thing you can do is acknowledge and express your shame.
Emotions become positive when they are appropriately expressed. They turn negative when you deny and repress them.
Although this is a different understanding of emotions than we’ve been taught, we’ve all had many liberating and positive experiences when we’ve expressed “negative” emotions (like sadness, anger, fear, and more).
By expressing our real emotions, we can unlock and unhook ourselves from the drama and suffering of the situation, which is caused by our denial and repression of these emotions, not the feelings themselves.
3. Forgive yourself.
Forgiving yourself plays a huge role in learning how to love your flaws. This is something that many of us, myself included, don’t have a lot of experience with.
Most of us have been trained to be hard on ourselves and that forgiveness must come from someone or something outside us. However, true forgiveness comes from within us and is what ultimately sets us free.
When we feel “flawed,” we often have a lot of blame and judgment – some of which may be directed towards other people or situations, but beneath that, most of it is directed at us. When we can forgive ourselves authentically, we create the space for real change and healing.
4. Appreciate.
The word appreciate doesn’t necessarily mean like, agree with, or enjoy.
Appreciate means to recognize the value of something.
What have you learned about yourself and life by dealing with this “flaw?”
While pain and challenges are not the only ways to grow in life, one of the many benefits of our issues is that we get to learn a great deal about ourselves, others, and life in the process of dealing with them.
When we reach a state of genuine appreciation and gratitude for the learning associated with the difficulty, we can move out of feeling sorry for ourselves (which never helps). It’s impossible to experience gratitude and victimhood simultaneously.
5. Love.
The ultimate antidote for all suffering is love. Your ability to love your flaws and care for them with kindness and compassion (as you would for a child, a pet, or a loved one) will ultimately heal you and allow the true transformation you’re looking for to take place.
Love is the most powerful force in the universe. When we love our flaws, we create an environment where we can either make the specific changes we truly want (from an authentic place of intention) or learn to love and accept ourselves whether an actual “change” takes place.
Any issue, malady, or problem that shows up in our lives is an opportunity for us to deepen our capacity for love, acceptance, and compassion.
All of these things, in my own experience, are much easier said than done. And, when we can tell the truth, express our real emotions, forgive ourselves, appreciate our flaws, and bring love to all aspects of our lives (both light and dark), we allow ourselves to transcend our flaws in an authentic way.
Loving your flaws takes a great deal of intention, support, compassion, and patience. It’s much easier to take a pill, avoid ourselves, get busy and distracted, whine and complain, pretend things are “fine,” and various other things we’ve learned to do in life.
Leaning into our “flaws” authentically and doing so with acceptance of ourselves is how we can genuinely heal and end the cycle of suffering.
How can you appreciate and love your flaws as a way to create freedom in your life? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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This article was originally published on January 11, 2010, and updated for 2022.
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