As an executive coach and consultant, my clients often ask me why empathy is so important.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines empathy as:
The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
Do you know why empathy is important, or what it is?
Here is Why Empathy is Important
Empathy is one of the most important aspects of creating strong relationships, reducing stress, and enhancing emotional awareness – yet it can be tricky at times.
For example, how can you be empathetic towards people you may not necessarily agree with?
I consider myself to be an empathetic person, but I notice that with certain people and in particular situations, my natural ability and desire to empathize can be diminished or almost non-existent, especially these days.
But there are so many benefits to empathy that most people aren’t even aware of. For example, I also notice that when I feel empathy for others and for myself, I feel a sense of peace, connection, and perspective that I like. And, when there is an absence of empathy in a particular relationship, situation, or in how I’m relating to myself, I often experience stress, disconnection, and negativity.
Can you relate?
Never underestimate the power of empathy.
But what is empathy anyway?
It’s important to understand that empathy is not sympathy.
When we’re sympathetic, we often pity someone else but maintain our distance (physically, mentally, and emotionally) from their feelings or experience.
Empathy is more a sense that we can truly understand, relate to, or imagine the depth of another person’s emotional state or situation.
It implies feeling with a person, rather than feeling sorry for a person.
Empathy is a translation of the German term Einfühlung, meaning “to feel as one with.” It implies sharing the load, or “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes,” in order to understand that person’s perspective.
The Benefits of Empathy
Another reason why empathy is so important is that it’s one of the best ways we can enhance our relationships, reduce our stress levels, and feel good about ourselves and our lives in an authentic way. Here are a few more benefits of empathy:
- Benefits your health (less stress and less negativity which leads people to be in better shape with stronger immune systems)
- Leads to a happier life
- Improves communications skills
- Leads to teamwork
- Creates a healthy work environment
- Transcends personal relationships
- Decreases negativity
Why Do People Lack Empathy?
There are a number of things that get in the way of us utilizing and experiencing the power of empathy. Three of the main ones, which are all interrelated, are as follows:
1. Feeling Threatened
We often feel “threatened” based on our own fears, projections, and past experiences – not by what is actually happening in the moment or in a particular relationship or situation. Whether the threat is “real” or “imagined,” when we feel threatened in any way, it often shuts down our ability to experience empathy.
2. Being Judgmental
Being judgmental is a totally different game than making value judgments (what to wear, what to eat, what to say, etc.).
When we’re judgmental, we decide that we’re “right” and someone else is “wrong.” Doing this hurts us and others and it cuts us off from those around us. When we’re being judgmental about another person, group of people, or situation, we significantly diminish our capacity to be empathetic.
3. Fear
Can you guess the root of all of this?
It’s our fear.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with fear, it’s a natural human emotion – which, in fact, has many positive aspects to it, if we’re willing to admit it, own it, express it, and move through it. Fear saves our lives and keeps us out of trouble all the time.
The issue with fear is our denial of it. We deem things, people, or situations to be “scary,” when in truth there is nothing in life that is inherently “scary.” When we allow ourselves to be motivated by fear – which often leads to us defending ourselves against “threats,” being judgmental, and more – it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to access the power of empathy.
On my podcast, I often talk about the importance of embracing our emotions. The more willing we are to look at our fear, acknowledge it, embrace it, own it, and take responsibility for it, the more able we are to expand our capacity for empathy.
Signs That Someone Lacks Empathy
Here are some signs that someone lacks empathy.
- Highly critical of others
- Unable to control emotions
- Unaware of other people’s feelings
- Accuses people of being overly sensitive
- Overreacts to small things
- Won’t admit when wrong
- Behaves insensitively
- Has trouble maintaining relationships
- Can’t handle uncomfortable situations
- Sees perceived slights everywhere
The reason why empathy is so important is that it helps us better understand how others are feeling, and even feel it in ourselves. It helps us maintain relationships and plays a role in dictating our success in both personal and professional relationships.
A lack of empathy can also be a trait of personality disorders like narcissism or antisocial personality disorder.
People may lack empathy due to the environment they were raised in. They may have grown up with parents who could not regulate their emotions and showed very little compassion towards them. They may have also experienced difficult situations in life that caused them to lack empathy and behave the way they do.
How to Become More Empathetic
Here are a few things you can do and think about to become more empathetic:
1. Be Real About How You Feel
When we’re in a conflict with another person or dealing with someone or something that’s challenging for us, being able to admit, own, and express our fear, insecurity, sadness, anger, jealousy, or whatever other “negative” emotions we are experiencing, is one of the best ways for us to move past our defensiveness and authentically address the deeper issues of the situation.
Doing this allows us to access empathy for ourselves, the other person or people involved, and even the circumstances of the conflict or challenge itself. Check out this blog post for tips on how to resolve conflict.
2. Imagine What It’s Like For Them
While it can sometimes be difficult for us to “understand” another person’s perspective or situation, being able to imagine what it must be like for them is an essential aspect of empathy.
The more willing we are to imagine what it’s like for them, the more compassion, understanding, and empathy we’ll be able to experience.
In today’s uncertain political climate and the many stresses that come with a pandemic, it is more important now than ever before to use compassion every day. You can learn more about the importance of compassion here.
My most recent book, We’re All in This Together, helps leaders become more compassionate with their team members by giving them a roadmap for building trust, collaborating, and operating at a peak level. Learn more about the book here.
3. Forgive Yourself and Others
In another one of my books, Nothing Changes Until You Do, I talk about the complicated relationship we all have with ourselves and the struggle many of us have to be kind, compassionate, and loving towards ourselves. Forgiveness is one of the most important things we can do in life to heal ourselves, let go of negativity, and live a life of peace and fulfillment. Forgiveness has to first start with us.
I believe that all judgment is self-judgment. When we forgive ourselves, we create the conditions and perspective to forgive others.
Forgiveness is one of the many important aspects of life that is often easier said than done. It is something we need to learn about and practice all the time.
One of the best books you can read on this subject is called Forgive For Good, written by my friend and mentor Dr. Fred Luskin, one of the world’s leading experts and teachers about the power of forgiveness. This book gives you practical and tangible techniques you can use to forgive anyone and anything.
The more willing we are to forgive ourselves and others (and continue to practice this in an ongoing way), the more able we’ll be to empathize authentically.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- How empathetic are you?
- What can you do to enhance your capacity for empathy?
- How would an increased ability to empathize with others (and yourself) impact your life and relationships?
- Where in your life and relationships can you see that feeling threatened, being judgmental, and experiencing fear stop you from being empathetic?
Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more in the comments section below.
I have written five books about, among other things, the importance of empathy, authenticity, and appreciation. I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) that empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. As an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more engaged and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today.
This article was originally published on October 13, 2010, and has been updated for 2021.
Nancy says
Several so called friends last year told me one day that I got on their nerves because I was laughing and acting silly and had no idea I was “getting on their nerves”. At the time I didn’t get it because I didn’t think my laughing was inappropriate under the cirucmstances. Now I see that they probably weren’t allowed to be a child and play when they were growing up which I can fully relate with. Someone probably told them they got on their nerves when they were having fun. The idea that all judgement is self judgement makes sense to me. If I got on their nerves, they must get on their own nerves too.
Mike Robbins says
Sorry to hear about this…although it sounds like you have a great perspective about it.
Stu Zimmerman says
Mike,
In my humble opinion, empathy is useful in bonding with someone.
Compassion is a higher state of awareness, however.
With empathy, we can take on and fully experience the anger of someone who has been wronged or violated. Empathy may also keep us in a loop of victimhood, separation, righteous indignation or just simply keep our hearts closed to transformation.
With compassion, we go beyond feeling empathetically what someone else feels, seeing through the present situation with unconditional love, kindness and understanding.
We can understand someone’s feelings and response while still keeping our hearts open to the Highest Good for all without getting caught up in the story.
So, inherent in compassion is also forgiveness.
Beautiful topic, Mike. Thank you.
Mike Robbins says
You are welcome. Yes, Empathy and Compassion are both so important, especially these days.
Chris Woods says
Great post, I was speaking to a friend of mine last night about empathy and sent him this post, I believe it will help give him clarity that he needs, very well written! I’ve found my own empathy to be crucial in being able to perform as a musician… now I’m learning to use my empathy to help “raise the vibe” of people I communicate with… instead of being judgmental I am seeking to observe, to understand… I believe the only way to inspire lasting change is to lead by example, to encourage instead of blame, to work with people instead of against them… of course this can be more challenging in some circumstances than in others, but I find by focusing on this my integrity and sense of my true self remain intact. Continue to spread your joyful wisdom!
Peace and Blessings!
Mike Robbins says
I appreciate you reading this post, your comment, and you sharing it with someone in your life.
Eke Ngozi says
Hi Mike your explanation on the word empay is well understood. True talk.
Mike Robbins says
Thanks!
John K. Faya says
Hello Mike, thanks for this wonderful write-up on empathy. it’s very simple to understanding. God bless you for posting. I will be grateful if you can throw more light on “How to Express Empathy and How to Develop Empathy”. Thanks.
Mike Robbins says
Thanks John! Listening and asking questions are ways to express empathy. Meditation and journaling are ways to develop more empathy. It takes real commitment and intention.
JNA says
Thanks Mike. Regarding traits of those who lack empathy, I see these in my 17 year-old son which surprise me at times, given his upbringing. Can you share insight from a developmental perspective? Thank you!
Mike Robbins says
You are welcome. Thanks for reading this piece and for your comment. I hear you about your son…it can be challenging when we see a lack of empathy at times in the people we love, especially our children. Teenagers go through stages and can often be quite critical and self-absorbed, which they often grow out of. The pandemic has been especially brutal for our teens. Have empathy for him and give him time.
Benjamin says
While I agree it is important to have cognitive empathy, as to understand intellectually what another is going through, I do not understand the need for emotive empathy.
Unless it is a person who I have a connection with, I believe having emotive empathy with every person and standing in solidarity with everyone is a complete antithesis of reason and the rationality which is often required to make the serious decisions required by society.
Finally I take issue with emotive empathy towards others I do not know, as empathy is a two way street, and I feel there is absolutely no reason to allow others I do not know to make an empathetic connection with me.
Mike Robbins says
Thanks! Empathy is an emotional response to the vulnerability, pain, and/or experience of another human being (or group of human beings). It is not necessary to have a personal relationship with someone to feel empathy for them. Have you ever cried watching a movie based on the suffering of another person? The natural human response to vulnerability is empathy…and, given the state of our country and our world right now, clearly we could use more empathy.
Mina says
I just realized that I lack empathy… Somehow this post helped me to understand why I’m like this & need to change. After a few incidents I just shut myself out & became weird. Took me long enough to finally understand it after losing those important to me.
Divya Raj says
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Nathan Peach says
Great article although im confusedyou said in the first paragraph how important empathy is but in the next paragraph you say that with certain people and situations you have no empathy, please can u explain why as i feel this all the time
Regards Nathan
Emma says
I’m also confused with the thing Nathan pointed out…
zidane says
Very good article, very useful. Thank you
Isha Bothra says
Empathy is the ability to understand the emotions and feelings of the other people. It is also related to kindness and gratitude. There are various benefits of empathy. I would recommend you to read this article to know more about it.
https://theoneliner.in/4-benefits-of-empathy-you-never-knew-before/
Anne says
Good article thank you.
I am curious to know why you use the word empathetic rather than empathic. Empathic is the word used years ago to indicate someone with empathy whereas empathetic is newer and for me indicates manufacturing empathy rather than it being a natural ability you have. Is that why you are using it?
Anju says
Hi
Thanks for this!
My take is that while empathy is a useful emotion, if not managed carefully, it poses quite a few dangers. This article may help bring some much needed balance to the topic of empathy: https://unpopularpsychology.substack.com/p/the-8-dangers-of-empathy
Zara says
This blog beautifully explains empathy’s impact on our daily lives. Empathy is needed everywhere: in relationships, depression, and all other situations. They tell us to practice being empathetic in our lives. It also lists the different strategies and methods to become empathetic. It creates an emotional awareness among us. Enhance yourself about knowing empathy in detail at https://yourmentalhealthpal.com/how-to-listen-without-giving-advice/.