Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

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Self improvement vs self acceptance

My friend and colleague, Dr. Robert Holden, poignantly says, “There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.”

Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual’s acceptance of all of their attributes, positive or negative.”

So much of our life and our work is focused on self-improvement.  And while there’s nothing wrong with us wanting to improve ourselves – too often we go about it erroneously thinking that if we achieve the improvement we’re after, we’ll then feel good about ourselves.

But it actually doesn’t work that way.

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

Self-improvement and self-acceptance are both vital in a balanced life. Self-acceptance promotes inner peace while self-improvement fuels progress. It’s important to find a harmonious balance between the two to lead to genuine self-empowerment.

This balance can be tricky. In today’s world – especially with everyone posting the highlight reels of their lives on social media – it’s easy to compare ourselves to others.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with self-improvement.  We turn on the TV, surf the web, look at magazines, browse through our feeds, take classes, read books, listen to others, and more – constantly getting various messages that if we just fixed or improved ourselves a bit, we’d be better off.  How often do you find yourself thinking some version of, “If I just lost a little weight, made a little more money, improved my health, had more inspiring work, lived in a nicer place, improved my relationships (or something else), then I’d be happy.” Even though I know better, this type of thinking shows up inside my own head more often than I’d like.

The paradox of self-improvement is that by accepting ourselves as we are, we give ourselves the space, permission, and opportunity to create an authentic sense of success and fulfillment.  When we insatiably focus on improving ourselves, thinking that it will ultimately lead us to a place of happiness, we’re almost always disappointed and we set up a stressful dynamic of constantly striving, but never quite getting there.

What if we gave ourselves permission to accept ourselves fully, right now?  While this is a simple concept, it’s one of the many things in life that’s easier said than done.

Why Do We Resist Self-Acceptance?

One of the biggest pieces of resistance we have regarding self-acceptance is that we erroneously think that by accepting ourselves, we may somehow be giving up.  It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Okay, I’ll accept myself, once all of my problems and issues go away.”

Another reason we resist accepting ourselves is the notion that somehow acceptance is resignation.  It’s not.  Acceptance is acceptance – it’s about allowing things to be as they are, even if we don’t like them.  As Byron Katie says (and I often quote), “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

The paradox of self-acceptance lies in the realization that embracing our true selves, including our current circumstances, qualities, and imperfections, opens the door to genuine personal growth and positive transformation.

By acknowledging who we are without judgment, we create an authentic space for change to occur naturally. However, when we become fixated on demanding changes solely to achieve happiness, self-esteem, or success, we often find ourselves frustrated and unfulfilled. True progress arises from a foundation of self-acceptance, where inner contentment allows us to organically pursue meaningful improvements, leading to a more genuine and satisfying journey of self-discovery.

If you take a moment right now to think about some of the most important changes you’re attempting to make in your life, ask yourself this question, “What would it look like, feel like, and be like for me to fully accept myself in these important areas?”

Often, our biggest obstacles to making meaningful changes, achieving success, and finding fulfillment, stem from self-criticism, the pursuit of perfection, and impatience. These self-imposed barriers hinder our progress and overshadow our potential for growth and accomplishment.

By learning to embrace self-compassion, accepting that perfection is not attainable, and practicing patience, we create a nurturing environment for personal development and genuine fulfillment. Letting go of harsh self-judgment allows us to focus on the journey rather than fixating on outcomes, enabling us to appreciate the incremental steps and learn from setbacks along the way. In doing so, we unlock the true potential within ourselves to thrive and prosper.

What if we changed our approach, and with as much love, compassion, and vulnerability as possible, just accepted ourselves exactly as we are, right now?

Liked this article? Here are three more:

There’s No Right Track
The Importance of Live Conversations in a Digital Age
You Have More Than This Requires

This article was published in 2013 and updated for 2023.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Dear Mike,

    I heard you speak in the Bay area about 3 years ago and it was a great experience and since then I’ve subscribed to your blog and recieve monthy info/articles. This one in particular is such an excellent reminder for me, and I think almost anybody who lives in our Western Society – thanks for being out there for us all!

    Best Regards / Bill

    Reply

    • Thanks Bill – appreciate your comment and kind words. Glad to hear this blog post resonated with you. Yes, we tend to be obsessed with “self improvement” in our culture. Self acceptance is key! Be well!

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  2. dear Mike;
    it’s truth that acceptance of myself (my body my familly what i have right now)help me a lot and give me power to face the people and the world .thank you so much Mike about your articals and your work.know i m from Algeria my wish is to assist your speaking show ahhhhh but you are so far in usa;so welcome to you in my country.

    Reply

    • Thank you Somia – I appreciate your kind words and insights. I have never been to Algeria (or to Africa for that matter). Would be fun to come down there and speak.

      Reply

  3. Mike,

    This topic certainly resonates with me. I’ve not had a good impression of myself, particularly as far as body and finances are concerned and that makes it hard to accept compliments among other things.

    Were can I find guidance to a path of self-acceptance?

    Jim

    Reply

    • Thanks Jim – appreciate your comment, authenticity, and question. Self acceptance is a journey for all of us – practice. Meditation is a good way, and there are many books, resources, counselors, and coaches out there – if you put the intention out that you’d like to enhance your capacity to love and accept yourself, I’m sure you’ll find lots of resources to support you on your journey. Be well… Mike

      Reply

  4. Hi Mike; This sounds like what i went through last year when finally deciding to consult with a gastric surgeon. I had just had the talk with my regular doctor, and she was warning me about future diabetus if i didn’t start doing something. I had finished six months of a prescription that was supposed to help. I finally had to accept that what i was doing just wasn’t working. My best efforts at diet and exercise were not working. So, i agreed to have a consultation and see what the surgeon had to say. It turned out that in addition to the surgery i learned a lot about how to eat better. I lost 80 pounds prior to the surgery because it took over 8 months to get the insurance approval. I had the surgery october 2nd, and I’ve lost I’ve lost anothe 100 pounds since the procedure. Still have lots of work to go, but I continue to learn more about my body and my habits. I also have lots of help from friends and family online and in person. I’m now healthy enough that i can walk on a tread mill. Now, i find myself having to learn to accept it when people say i look handsome even sexy. Like you say we all have to work on it. I look forward to future posts to help me and to remind me to stay authentic and acccept who i am. Take care, Max

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  5. Thanks Mike … as is the norm, your words come at exactly the right time … thank you for all you do and share

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  6. Hi Mike
    I saw you speak at the I Can Do It Ignite San Jose, you inspired me. Your words of wisdom are words to live by. Thank you so much for who you are and all you do! Looking forward to seeing you again! : )

    Happy Easter!

    Donna McLeod

    Reply

  7. When you wrote, if you accept yourself you feel “may somehow be giving up”. It made me wonder, could I accept myself AND be motivated to change myself? There is a motivating factor in not being satifyed with myself and my situation. In your opinion, what is the difference between not being satifyed with myself and accepting myself?

    As a side note, I LOVED your talk at Wisdom 2.0. I am still watering the seeds your words planted!

    Reply

    • Great question Ann – I wonder about this one myself and sometimes struggle with it. I think that acceptance and resignation are different…we don’t have to resigned about something and, in fact, accepting it as it is, allows the space to authentically make changes if that is what we truly want. The key element here is intention. If we try to “change” something becuase we think it is “bad,” (in a self critical way), we bring that energy to it, which makes the change harder and more stressful. If we choose to change something out of authentic preference, it is much easier and more likely to happen.

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  8. This is an excellent topic. I have also heard you speak and I believe that is really what got me into this season of Self Improvement I have been on. Your books have been so wonderful, and really led me into that world as well. I have recently found someone who has helped me with real insights as well, Riana Milne. Her book Live Beyond Your Dreams is so great. rianamilne.com if anyone is interested. I think that there is nothing wrong in finding motivation wherever you can! Thanks so much for your wonderful words, they really helped me!

    Reply

  9. Hi Mike
    As usual, you said just what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. Sometimes we are too exhausted to do anything but accept ourselves. That’s where I am now. Recently I have lost several loved ones, and now my beloved cat is in his last days. I feel pummeled by grief and life and there is no time for self improvements. There are only these precious moments I have left with my cat, and my efforts to make him as comfortable as possible. I don’t know if anyone else can relate. I am in a bit of a daze so this may not make sense…

    Reply

    • Thank you for your comment and vulnerability. So sorry to hear about all of the loss you have recently experienced. I am sending you love, prayers, and blessings as you move through your grief. Be gentle with yourself

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  10. Hello Mike:

    This is a great post, thanks for sharing it. I appreciate the message of accepting ourselves not from a point of resignation but from recognition of who we are. By doing so, you can have an honest discussion of who you are and what matters to you. It is, in my opinion, a critical component of both goal setting and leadership development. Jim Rohn has a great line about earning a million dollars where he states (paraphase) “Don’t earn a million dollars for the money. Do it for what you will become in the process.” In other words, the money is nice but the experience invaluable.

    I’ll look forward to reading more of your work.

    Best regards,
    Jeno

    Reply

  11. I really enjoyed this essay – I am also a huge fan of Glennon Melton. And then I noticed that you decided to “follow” me on Twitter so I just wanted to “drop by” your blog and say thank you! I am honored that you visited my site 🙂

    Reply

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