My TEDx Talk: The Power of Authenticity

97June 6, 2013

I recently gave a TEDx talk on The Power of Authenticity. I wanted to share the video of the talk with you in case you haven’t seen it yet, for two main reasons. First of all, because I think you’ll enjoy it and get some good stuff out of it. And, second of all, because if you feel moved to do so, I’d be honored and grateful if you shared it with others… via email, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn etc. :)

The talk is under 20 minutes long (in standard TED format) and focuses on the importance of being authentic. I share some stories, ideas, and perspectives about what makes it challenging for us to be authentic, some important distinctions about aspects of authenticity, and what becomes available for us, others, and the groups we belong to when we’re willing to be real in a courageous and even vulnerable way.

The more this video gets shared, the more people will see it and be touched by it, the more it will expand this important conversation about authenticity, and the more opportunities it will create for me to share this essential message (and others) with people who can benefit from it. Who knows, maybe it will end up going viral and/or get picked up on TED.com, either of which would be wonderful and fun!

If you’d like to share the video of this talk, you can simply forward this link http://mike-robbins.com/tedx/. And, if you’d like to post it on social media, here are two samples you can use or edit:

For Twitter:

Check out this great TEDx talk by @MikeDRobbins on The Power of Authenticity, http://mike-robbins.com/tedx/

For Facebook/LinkedIn:

Mike Robbins, author of Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken, just did a great TEDx talk on the Power of Authenticity, check it out: http://mike-robbins.com/tedx/

Whether or not you’re able to watch or share this video with others, I appreciate your interest and support of me and my work. Thank you for reading my blog!

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The Power of Authenticity

Stock pictures of a rulerMay 30, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

I was recently talking to my counselor Eleanor, asking her for some guidance on both an important meeting I had coming up and on the approach I was taking in some writing I was planning.  She said to me, “Mike, get out of your head and into your heart.  Remember, the truth can’t be rehearsed.”

Her feedback was spot on and had me pause and reflect more deeply on my own relationship to the truth.   Authenticity, as you may know, is something that’s very important to me both personally and professionally.  Even though I’m comfortable admitting that authenticity is something I find challenging at times, which is one of the reasons why I chose to write a book about it and enjoy speaking about it (I’m a big believer in the principle of “we teach best what we most need to learn,”) as I started to look at this more honestly in my own life, I realized that it’s one thing for me to talk and write about authenticity, and it’s a whole other thing for me to actually be authentic in the moment with myself, the people around me, and in the most important situations in my life.

I often ask the question, “What does it actually mean to be authentic?”  The answer to this question varies quite a bit depending on who I’m talking to and continues to evolve for me personally.  In the past few months I’ve had some deeper insight into what authenticity truly means.  I now see it on a continuum.  I spoke about this specifically and shared some personal stories in the recent TEDx talk that I gave on The Power of Authenticity (click here to view the video of this talk).

The three main elements on this continuum are: phony, honest, and authentic.

Phony

On one side of the continuum is what I’ll call “phony.”  We all know what this is like and we all have experience in life being phony (i.e. being inauthentic).   Most of the time it’s not malicious; we’re not trying to deceive people or lie in an overt or harmful way (although sometimes we are).  It usually has to do with withholding or massaging the truth, spinning things in a certain way, or doing or saying what we think we’re “supposed” to in order to look good, get what we what, or simply not cause a problem.   While this can sometimes be benign, operating from this place of phoniness is stressful, it’s not conducive to building trust with others, and it isn’t sustainable or healthy for us on many levels.

Honest

As we move along the continuum, we get to the midpoint which is what I’ll call “honest.”  Honest is much better than phony as we’ve been told from the time we were kids.  “Honesty is the best policy,” as the saying goes.  However, as we’ve each learned, there are some cases in which honesty is NOT the best policy – at least not in terms of feeling good, avoiding conflict, and getting what we want.  Honesty can be a little tricky because we’ve all had experiences in life when we’ve been honest, but in doing so, we’ve created a problem, hurt someone’s feelings, or made a bigger issue out of something than needed to be made.  We’ve been honest at times and it’s been bad for us, made us look bad, it’s been controversial, and more.  Due to these negative experiences and consequences we’ve had in the past, we sometimes shy away from honesty.

Another challenging aspect of honesty is that oftentimes we say we’re just “being honest” when really we’re being right and/or judgmental.   It’s our righteousness and judgments that create separation between us and other people, not the actual honesty.  We justify our righteousness with “honesty,” which is often a smokescreen for making other people wrong and/or feeling as though we’re superior to them.

Due to the complexities and difficulties with honesty, we spend a lot of time in life oscillating between phony and honest – wanting to mostly be honest, but to do so in a politically correct way, or at least in a way that’s not too offensive, problematic, doesn’t create problems for us or other people, and gets us what we want.  However, there’s not a lot of freedom in these two aspects of this continuum.  The true freedom lies beyond honesty.

Authentic

Authenticity is on the opposite side of the continuum from phony.  It’s absolutely honest, but minus the righteousness and plus vulnerability.  It’s the vulnerability aspect of authenticity that’s both liberating and challenging.  It’s scary for a lot of us, myself included, to be vulnerable – especially at certain times, with specific people, and in particular situations.  We’ve been taught and trained not to make ourselves vulnerable.  We’ve allowed ourselves to be vulnerable in the past and people have hurt our feelings, they’ve manipulated us, and they’ve used things against us.  Based on these types of experiences (and our fears of these or other “bad” things happening), we have a tendency to protect ourselves from vulnerability.

It’s our ability to embrace vulnerability which allows us to experience true authenticity, and thus true freedom and power in life.  I’m a big fan of the work of Brene Brown, author of the best-selling book Daring Greatly and professor at the University of Houston.  She has given a few very successful TED talks on vulnerability which you may have seen.  Brene is a behavioral psychology researcher who has studied vulnerability, shame, and fear for over a decade.   What she has found in her research is that vulnerability liberates us from our erroneous and insatiable obsession with perfection – thinking we have to be perfect and can’t make mistakes, have flaws, or be human.  In other words, being vulnerable allows us to let go of the pressure-filled, stress-inducing, perfection demands we place on ourselves.  Vulnerability is also the fundamental element of building trust and connection with other human beings.  Our ability (or inability) to be vulnerable is directly connected with our ability (or inability) to be authentic.

Authenticity is what gives us freedom to be ourselves and be comfortable with who we are, and it’s also what gives us access to connecting with other people in a meaningful and genuine way.  This is true power of authenticity and when we embrace it, even though it can be uncomfortable and scary at times, we give ourselves and those around us one of the most important gifts of all – the real us.  There is no destination called authentic.  Authenticity is a courageous process and a way of being, not a possession or an accomplishment.  As the famous saying goes, “There is no way to peace; peace is the way.”  The same could be said about authenticity.

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Are You Threatened By Other People’s Success?

Business Team LeaderMay 16, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

How do you feel when you see or hear about the success of others?  While it may depend on who it is, what they’ve accomplished, and how you’re feeling about your own life at the time – if you’re anything like me, you may have some mixed emotions.  I often find myself excited and inspired by the success of others, especially the people closest to me.  However, at the same time, I sometimes notice it can bring up feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and inferiority as well – especially when someone accomplishes or experiences something I personally want and/or worry that I can’t or won’t.

While this isn’t a new phenomenon or awareness for me and it’s not something I’m all that proud of, I’ve recently been taking a deeper and more honest look at it; seeing how it negatively impacts my life, my work, and my relationships.  It’s definitely something I’m ready to change, although I find it difficult to work through at the same time.

Growing up as a competitive athlete, I got lots of early experience and training about how to compete against others and try to beat them.  This wasn’t just about the other team, often the biggest and most intense competition was internal – with my friends and fellow teammates.  Whether it was in baseball, in school, or other areas of life, I often found myself directly or indirectly competing in a pretty intense way with those around me.

Although I’ve outgrown certain aspects of my childhood and adolescent comparison tendencies and it’s been over fifteen years since I played baseball competitively, I still find myself threatened by the success of others at times – as if we’re competing against one another or that their success takes something away from me, which in just about every case, it doesn’t.

Increased cultural obsession with comparison

While our cultural obsession with comparison and competition isn’t something new, it seems to have intensified in the past few years with the explosion of social media and how we share photos, highlights, achievements, adventures, milestones, and more with one another in such a public and prominent way.  I personally enjoy being able to celebrate in the exciting stuff happening in other people’s lives online and being able to share some of my own “good stuff” with others as well. At the same time, it can be a bit of a double edged sword, as depending on how I’m feeling about myself, my work, my body, my appearance, my relationships, my family, my future, my health, or anything else important at any given time, I can get easily “triggered” by the success of other people and end up feeling bad about myself and my life in relation to them.

On the flip side, I’ve also noticed at times when something goes really well in my life, while it may seem as though I’m simply excited about and grateful for the success, which I usually am, I also have a tendency, especially with certain people, to brag about it or to feel a sense of superiority, as if I’m somehow “better than” them.  This one is even harder to admit and confront.  And while it may seem like the opposite of insecurity, it’s actually just the opposite side of the same coin.  Heads we feel superior (better than) tails we feel inferior (less than).  Both sides of this coin are detrimental to our growth, our success, and ultimately our sense of peace, fulfillment, and joy in life.  This is a negative ego trap – and there are no true “winners” in this game.

Stopping the comparison game

What if we stopped the comparison game all together?  What if the success of others had nothing to do with us and our own success had nothing to do with anyone else?  What if we didn’t spend and waste so much of our precious time competing with the people around us (overtly or covertly) and focusing on how we “measure up” to them?

I’ve had glimpses of this in my own life at various times – although not as often as I’d like.  My own default position and a lot of the cultural training and reinforcement we get falls into the paradigm of competition/comparison.

Here are a few things to think about and practice, to step off this negative game board, and step more into your own authentic power:

1) Remember that it’s okay to feel jealous – Jealousy is one of a number of emotions we consider to be “bad.”  It’s not usually all that fun to feel or admit – it’s not sexy, cool, or exciting in the way that some other emotions are – like joy, gratitude, and love.  However, feeling jealous is part of the human experience.  There’s nothing wrong with us for feeling jealous at times, which we all do.  The biggest issue with jealousy, like with most “negative” emotions, is our denial of it.  When we pretend we don’t feel jealous (even though we actually do) it can have a negative impact on us in many ways.  As Carl Jung famously said, “What you resist persists.”  So the more we deny our feelings of jealousy, the more they end up running us.  When you notice yourself feeling jealous, admit it, feel it, and express it in some healthy and authentic way – in your journal, with a close friend, in a mediation or prayer, or just simply to yourself.  Your ability to honestly notice, feel, and express your own jealousy (or any emotion) is what gives you the power to move through it and transform its potentially negative impact, into a positive experience.

2) Look for the deeper message – When we get threatened by the success of others, there is usually a deeper message (or a number of messages) coming through that experience.  We tend to get focused on the person or accomplishment, and/or ourselves in relationship to them or it.  We tell stories in our head like, “Look at her, she always gets what she wants and it seems so easy for her – I’ll never be like that.”  Or, “Well, I know he makes a lot more money than I do, but he works so hard he’s never around for his kids.”  These types of “stories” (which are usually just damaging judgments of others or of ourselves), don’t serve us in any positive way and in fact keep us away from the deeper truth of what’s happening.  What if we looked beyond our reaction and beneath our judgment, and asked ourselves some deeper questions like, “What is it about this person’s success that has me feeling threatened?”  Or, “How can I learn from what I see in them or in what they’ve accomplished?”  Or, “What can I do to let go of my inferior (or superior) reaction to this, and more deeply trust and believe in myself and my own process?”  Asking deeper questions like this and looking for the deeper messages in our reactions to the success of others can lead us down a more real path of growth, discovery, and fulfillment.

3) Celebrate their success – A coach of mine recently said to me, “Mike, be careful about how harshly you judge other people and their paths to success.  The more judgmental you are about them and how they create their success, the more difficult you’ll make it for you to create the success you want, out of your own fear of being judged.”  Man, she hit the nail on the head with this feedback for me.  We tend to judge the success of others (and/or their process of creating success) as a smokescreen for not dealing with our own feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and/or inferiority.  What if instead of doing that (or anything else in a similarly negative, critical, or arrogant vain) we simply celebrated their success and rejoiced in it.  We often take personal offense to stuff that has nothing to do with us.  If we want something in life and someone close to us gets it, we could celebrate for them (knowing how exciting it can be when something good happens).  We could also rejoice in the fact that by being so close to people who are creating success in their lives (maybe even the same success we want) might actually be a positive sign and influence for us.  I know with certain things and certain people, this can be more challenging than others.  However, at the deepest level, when we live from a place of abundance (with the faith that there is more than enough to go around), we free ourselves from the constant stress, worry, fear, and pressure associated with living from that place of scarcity (as if their success somehow diminishes us).

Like most things in life, this is a choice.  How do you want to live?

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Life is “Brutiful”

exhibit from pompeiiApril 25, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

My wife Michelle and I recently went to see Glennon Melton speak about her new book, Carry On Warrior.  Glennon is a blogger from Florida who has a very successful blog called Momastery.com.  Her posts are read by tens of thousands of moms like Michelle (and others) around the world.  I thought I was attending the event to support Glennon’s new book and to support Michelle (since she loves what Glennon does so much).  And even though I was one of only a handful of men in the sea of a few hundred women at this event, I got so much out of it.

First of all, she’s a fantastic writer and speaker – funny, real, open, passionate, heartfelt, and inspiring.  I was inspired both personally and professionally by her presence, her talent, her humility, her message and her vulnerability.  Second of all, she kept talking about this idea that life is “Brutiful” (both brutal and beautiful at the same time).  After hearing her speak and reading her book and some of her blog posts, I started thinking about this concept of “brutiful” quite a bit.

Then the tragedy in Boston happened. I began to watch what was unfolding and feel my own intense range of emotions – the brutiful nature of life was playing itself out in a big way right in front of our eyes.  As awful as the bombings, shootings, and manhunt were (and still are), there was (and still is) so much bravery, beauty, connection, and love that has come out of everything that has happened; which is often the case when something horrible like this occurs.

While of course it’s much easier to contemplate this from afar and a completely different experience for those who were (and still are) directly impacted by the violence, I’ve been thinking more about some of the “brutal” and “beautiful” experiences of my own life and realizing that most of them have been (as most of life is) a combination of both.

My parents divorce, our financial challenges, my struggles with depression, my career ending baseball injury, the times I’ve had my heart broken in love, the deaths of my parents and some dear friends, and many other things I’ve experienced have been “brutal” in many ways – painful, sad, scary, and disappointing, among other things.  However, at the same time, each of these “brutal” experiences have also been incredibly beautiful on many levels – lots of growth, healing, discovery, and insight.  And, in addition to all that I’ve learned and gained personally from these experiences, they have also been (and continue to be) opportunities for me to connect with others and operate in life with a deeper sense of vulnerability, compassion, and openness.

There have also been lots of “beautiful” and wonderful things that have occurred in my life – getting into Stanford, playing pro baseball, marrying Michelle, having Samantha and Rosie, publishing my books, traveling to incredible places, and so much more.  And, as great as these things have been – there have also been many “brutal” aspects of each of these same things.

There are times Michelle and I look at each other in the throes of a parenting breakdown and without even saying a word our eyes say to each other, “What were we thinking?  This was a terrible idea.”

So if the most “brutal” experiences in life can also be “beautiful” and the most “beautiful” ones can also be “brutal” at times – I think Glennon is right when she says “Life is Brutiful.”  And, when we remember this, embrace it, and live with this awareness – it can create a real sense of peace, freedom, and connection with who and what matters most to us!

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Self Improvement vs. Self Acceptance

Close-up of red blood cells and germsMarch 28, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

I had the honor of meeting author Robert Holden recently when we both spoke at the Hay House IGNITE event in San Jose, CA (which was an amazing experience, by the way).  Robert is someone whom I’ve admired for quite some time.  It was wonderful to get a chance to meet him in person and hear him speak live.  In his talk, he said “There’s no amount of self improvement that can make up for a lack of self acceptance.”

This statement really struck me and as I started to think about it more, I realized that so much of my life and my work is focused on self improvement.  And while there’s nothing wrong with me or any of us wanting to improve ourselves – too often we go about it erroneously thinking that if we “achieve” the “improvement” we’re after, we’ll then feel good about ourselves.  As Robert pointed out in his talk (and most of us have experienced this in our lives many times), it doesn’t work this way.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with self improvement.  We turn on the TV, look at magazines, take classes, read books, listen to others, surf the web and more – constantly getting various messages that if we just fixed, changed, and improved ourselves a bit, we’d be better off.  How often do you find yourself thinking some version of, “If I just lost a little weight, made a little more money, improved my health, had more inspiring work, lived in a nicer place, improved my relationships (or something else), then I’d be happy.”   Even though I “know better,” this type of thinking shows up inside my own head more often than I’d like.

The paradox of self improvement is that by accepting ourselves as we are, we give ourselves the space, permission, and opportunity to create an authentic sense of success and fulfillment.  When we insatiably focus on improving ourselves, thinking that it will ultimately lead us to a place of happiness, we’re almost always disappointed and we set up a stressful dynamic of constantly striving, but never quite getting there.

What if we gave ourselves permission to accept ourselves fully, right now?  While this is a simple concept, it’s one of the many things in life that’s easier said than done.  One of the biggest pieces of resistance we have regarding self acceptance is that we erroneously think that by accepting ourselves, we may somehow be giving up.  It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Okay, I’ll accept myself, once all of my problems and issues go away.”

Another reason we resist accepting ourselves is the notion that somehow acceptance is resignation.  It’s not.  Acceptance is acceptance – it’s about allowing things to be as they are, even if we don’t like them.  As Byron Katie says (and I often quote), “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

The paradox of self acceptance is that when we allow ourselves to accept who we are, where we are, what’s really happening, qualities about ourselves, aspects of who we are, and more – we actually set ourselves up and give ourselves the opportunity to make changes, improvements, and enhancements to ourselves and our lives in an authentic way.  When we obsess about and/or demand these improvements or changes “in order to” be happy, feel good about ourselves, or think we’re successful, it almost never works.

If you take a moment right now to think about some of the most important improvements and changes you’re attempting to make in your life, ask yourself this question, “What would it look like, feel like, and be like for me to fully accept myself in these important areas of my life?”

Most of the time it’s our own self criticism, perfection demands, and impatience that are actually getting in our way of making the changes, creating the success, and experiencing the fulfillment we truly want.  What if we changed our approach and with as much love, compassion, and vulnerability as possible, just accepted ourselves exactly as we are, right now!

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Who Are You Trying to Impress?

approved!March 14, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

As I prepare to speak at the Hay House I CAN DO IT event, I’m experiencing a myriad of emotions – excitement, nervousness, gratitude, pressure, curiosity, confusion, peace, and more.  It’s thrilling and humbling to be invited to speak at an event like this with such powerful teachers and authors like Wayne Dyer and Caroline Myss, whom I’ve admired and learned from for many years.  I’ve never actually been a part of an event like this, although I’ve dreamed about it for a long time and hope this is the first of many such events I get to participate in.

And, in the midst of my excitement and gratitude, I notice that more of my attention than I’d like to admit is focused on trying to impress certain people – the other speakers, specific people in the audience, and especially the organizers of the event.  Of course I want to do well and want my talk to be both well received and to have a positive impact on all who hear it (which is always my intention when I speak).

However, the more I’ve been noticing this focus on impressing others, the more I realize that this has been a theme throughout much of my life which doesn’t really serve me.  In school, as an athlete, in business, and even now in the work that I do as an author and speaker, I have been (and will continue to be) in many situations where I’m being evaluated.  When this occurs, especially if I’m feeling nervous, insecure, and/or attached to some specific outcome, my underlying goal is often to impress anyone and everyone involved.  Maybe you can relate to this?

How often do you find yourself trying to impress others?  Whether it’s in our work, with our friends, on Facebook or Twitter, at a class reunion, at a networking event, with our family, or just in everyday life, we spend and waste a lot of time and energy trying to impress others, somehow thinking that the acknowledgment, validation, and positive perception of other people will make us feel good about ourselves and prove our value or worth in life.  As you may have noticed, this never works.

While there’s nothing wrong with us wanting to do a good job, be well received by others, and get positive feedback, when we focus on impressing people we give away our power and set ourselves up for unnecessary stress, worry, and fear.

There was a book that came out about twenty five years ago by Terry Cole-Whittaker called, What You Think About Me is None of My Business.  Such a great reminder for all of us!

What if we stopped trying to impress others, and focused more of our attention on “impressing” ourselves.  In other words, being true to ourselves, feeling good about who we are, and showing up in the most authentic way possible are all things that give us real power.  Trying to manage, control, and ultimately manipulate other people’s perceptions of us is not only exhausting, it’s pretty much impossible.

As the wise sage Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”  So true!

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There’s No Right Track

file0001992978583February 28, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

I was talking to a mentor of mine a few weeks ago and I asked him, “Do you think I’m on the right track?”  He said to me, “Mike, the issue isn’t whether or not you’re on the ‘right’ track; it’s that you think there’s a ‘right’ track to begin with.”

As we talked about this more and I began to think about it in a different way, I realized that so often I find myself striving for this insatiable “right track,” as if there’s some place I’m “supposed” to be and some outside authority who can validate it for me.

While there’s nothing wrong with us seeking guidance, feedback, and support from mentors, friends, family members, coaches, counselors, teachers, experts, and more – the deepest truth is that our deepest truth comes from within.  It seems to be less a matter of making sure we’re on the “right” track and more a matter of living in alignment with who we are and what’s most important to us.

With all of the ideas, opinions, and influences around us (and in our own heads) living in authentic alignment isn’t always the easiest thing for us to do.  Here are a few things to think about and practice to deepen your capacity for this:

1) Listen to your inner wisdom 

How many times in your life have you thought to yourself, “I should have listened to my intuition on this?”  Often in hindsight after we’ve made a mistake, had a lapse in judgment, or experienced something painful, we realize that at some level we already knew it would turn out that way, we just didn’t listen to our instincts.  Whether it shows up as a gut feeling, intuitive hit, or just a thought, our inner wisdom is keen and important.  The more willing we are to listen to this inner wisdom and pay attention to it, the easier it becomes for us to live our lives with authenticity, truth, and alignment.

2) Trust yourself 

It’s one thing to pay attention to your inner wisdom and a whole other thing to actually trust it.  This same mentor of mine said to me a while back, “Mike you actually do trust yourself at a deep level, you just don’t trust that it’s safe to trust, which then causes you to doubt yourself.”  So often we let our brain, our logic, or the feedback of others override our deeper knowing and gut instincts.  While it’s not always easy to do, trusting ourselves and our inner guidance is essential in our journey of life and growth.  The more willing we are to listen and to trust the wisdom that comes from within; the less likely we are to give away our power to others and to the circumstances/situations of our lives.

3) Be willing to change 

Change is a funny thing in that most of us seek it and fear it simultaneously.  As much as I like to think of myself as someone who embraces change and is flexible, I often find myself quite resistant to changing.  And, one of the biggest things that can stop us from going for things, being bold, and making commitments in life is our fear of changing our minds.  Ironically, the more we embrace change the more authentically we’re able to commit and go for what we truly want.

Right now, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, however you’re feeling, and however “good” or “bad” you think you’re life is going, you’re not on the “right” or “wrong” track – you’re simply on the track you’re on (i.e. your life).  When we let go of our judgment about where we are and where we think we “should” be; we’re able to appreciate our lives, the people around us, and ourselves in a genuine way.  And, if there are changes we want to make that we believe will enhance our experience of life, we can make them from a place of truth, love, and wisdom.

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Are You Living on Purpose?

hand with targets against skyFebruary 14, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

I was recently invited to be a speaker for an upcoming online telesummit called The Power of Purpose.  While I’m honored to be a part of this program, the invitation had me pause and reflect a bit about my own life and work, and specifically ask myself the question, “Am I living on purpose?”  My initial answer was, “Yes, of course I am.”  However, as I thought about it more deeply, I could see that there are many aspects of my life and my work that aren’t “on purpose” at all.

This realization has been both humbling and enlightening.  As I’ve continued to sit in this inquiry, I’ve become aware of some of the specific places in my life where not only am I not living “on purpose,” I’m operating unconsciously or by default, simply reacting to life as it’s “happening to me.”  While I’m grateful to have work that I love, a wife and family that I adore, and so many wonderful things going on in my life – more often than I’d like to admit, it’s easy for me to fall into the trap of feeling as though I’m a victim of my circumstances and responsibilities.  Maybe you can relate to this in some way?

As I’ve thought more about this whole concept of living on purpose, I think there are two distinct aspects of it.  There is “Purpose” with a capital “P,” which relates to figuring out and living true to who we are, what’s most important to us, and our larger reason for being alive.  And, then there is “purpose” with a lower case “p,” which relates to the level of consciousness, mindfulness, and deliberateness with which we live our lives on a daily basis.  Both of these aspects of purpose are important to our overall fulfillment in life, yet they are distinct.

Living our Purpose 

Living our Purpose (with a capital P) is a lot easier said than done for most of us.  First of all, we have to figure out what our Purpose is, which for some of us comes easily and early in life, and for others of us it takes a long time (or may seem to never quite show up with true clarity).  And, even for those of us who feel as though we’ve found our Purpose, it often shifts and changes as we grow and evolve, sometimes in significant ways.

A good way to delve more deeply into your own Purpose is to ask the simple but important question, “If money and logistics weren’t an issue, what would I do and where would I focus my attention and energy?”

Asking and answering this important question is something we can do on a regular basis, to check in with ourselves and see how true to our Purpose we’re living at any given moment in life.  However, whether the answer to this question is crystal clear to us or not, most of us don’t have money and logistics handled completely and/or what we’re doing and how we’re living isn’t totally aligned with our Purpose.  This “gap” between our Purpose and how we actually live is normal; it doesn’t make us bad, phony, or weak (although we often judge ourselves this way when we think about it like this).

The size and significance of our personal gap does, however, have an impact on us – the larger the gap, the more out of alignment we may feel, the smaller the gap, the more “on purpose” we may experience our lives.  Our level of awareness of our gap and our willingness to take action in the direction of narrowing the gap is what will lead us to a life of deeper Purpose.

It’s also important to remember that this process is unique for each of us – there’s no “right” way to do it.  Living our Purpose is about willingness, authenticity, vulnerability, boldness, and courage.  And, like most important things in life, it’s a journey, not a destination.

Living on purpose 

Living on purpose (with a lowercase p) is about how we live our lives on a daily basis.  How conscious are you?  How mindful are you?  How deliberate are you?  The answers to these questions will vary for each of us based on a variety of factors, and can even vary for most of us throughout the course of a given day, week, or month of our lives.

As fast as life seems to be moving these days, as much information and communication as we’re exposed to, and as many responsibilities as most of us have, it’s easy to let the “rat race” of life take over without us even being fully aware of it.

However, living on purpose is a practice – it’s about being conscious, mindful, and deliberate with both the big and small things in life.  Slowing down, speaking up, taking risks, making tough choices, asking for what we want, dealing with conflicts directly, expressing our love and appreciation for others, taking care of ourselves, and remembering that we’re the authors of our lives are some of the many ways we can live on purpose on a regular basis.

Living our Purpose and living on purpose are not easy, and in many cases not even authentically encouraged by those around us.  There is a lot of agreement within our culture that “life’s hard or, at least, too busy,” or “you can’t really do what you love,” or “you have to just suck it up and take care of business,” and many more along these lines.  These types of thoughts and beliefs show up in my head on a pretty regular basis, and I hear them from people around me directly or indirectly all the time.  However, just because we have these common thoughts or beliefs, doesn’t make them true or helpful.

For us to live our Purpose and live on purpose, it takes authentic self awareness and radical courage.  And, as Susan Jeffers taught us all through her bestselling book, we must “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

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Nothing Changes Until You Do

KnightsJanuary 24, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

In a recent session with my counselor Eleanor, she said something simple, but profound to me; “Nothing changes until you do.” She went on to say, “Mike, you keep trying to control and manipulate the situations, relationships, and outcomes in your life – thinking that if they changed in the way you want them to, you’d then change and things would be better. It actually works the other way around.”

The truth of Eleanor’s feedback resonated deeply with me and I’ve been contemplating it for the past few weeks. I realize that much more of my attention than I’d like to admit is focused on my attempts to change the circumstances, situations, and people around me – instead of focusing on the only thing I can really change, me.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

We’ve all had this experience in our lives in both big and small ways. Do you ever notice how when we’re having a bad day or a rough time in life, even the people and activities we normally love, don’t bring us the same amount of joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction? On the flip side, when we’re having a great day or things are going really well in life, even people or circumstances that might normally upset or annoy us, somehow seem much more manageable and less stressful. In those simple situations, our perspective and our own internal state, has a big impact on how we experience life, not the other way around.

What if we put more attention on our own growth, change, and transformation – and less attention on trying to fix, change, and alter the people and circumstances around us? This doesn’t mean that we’d stop caring about what other people do or say. It also doesn’t mean we wouldn’t give feedback or make requests of those around us. And, we wouldn’t stop working towards specific changes, goals, and dreams related to the most important aspects of our lives – our work, our health, our finances, our family, and more.

However, by letting go of our insatiable desire to fix and change everyone and everything around us, we give ourselves the space to focus our attention on the true source of our own happiness, success, and fulfillment – ourselves!

As we come to the end of this first month of the new year, many of us are still quite focused on our intentions, goals, and resolutions for 2013. As great as the accomplishment of any specific goal may be, what we’re almost always after with our resolutions, is positive and sustainable change.

As the saying goes, “The roots create the fruits.” This means that it’s our job to focus on our own growth, development, and internal transformation – and in so doing, we put ourselves in the best possible position to create the kind of change we truly want. Nothing changes until we change!

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Love is the Answer

December 18, 2012

I have been reeling for the past few days, ever since the tragic events in Newtown, CT on Friday – such a sad and scary act of violence, hard to even comprehend.  It hits especially close to home for us, even though we’re 3,000 miles away, because our oldest daughter, Samantha, is in first grade, just like those twenty beautiful children who were killed on Friday.  Dropping Samantha and her little sister Rosie off at school yesterday morning was pretty emotional for me.  I looked at the shining faces of her first grade classmates and at the faces of the other parents, teachers, and staff members at our school, and couldn’t help but think of those people at Sandy Hook Elementary School – we are them, and they are us.

As I’ve been struggling to make sense of all of this (which I can’t), I find myself feeling somewhat similar to how I felt after 9/11.  In digging through some old emails, I found an email I sent out four days after 9/11 to my family and friends.  I didn’t have a blog back then or an email newsletter, I’m not sure if I’d even written an article of any kind.  However, in reading this email from more than eleven years ago, I was struck by how similar my thoughts and feelings are four days after the tragedy that took place in Newtown, CT.  I thought I would share it here on my blog because it encompasses much of what I feel right now as well.

(Email sent to my friends and family on September 15, 2001):

Hello,

I have had so many thoughts and feelings this past week, as I am sure we all have.  Everything from sadness, to rage, to fear, to denial, to helplessness and then back again.  I have found it very difficult to know what to do or how to feel.  I have watched hours of television coverage and listened to hundreds of people speak about what has happened and what needs to happen – it has been overwhelming and confusing to me.  I have also spent a great deal of time and energy talking to loved ones and friends as well as communicating with anyone and everyone I can by email.  I just feel like I want to reach out and touch everyone I know and love… and even those I have never met.  This whole thing has been a major wake up call for me as to what is really important.  So much of what I think about, worry about, and talk about much of the time seems quite meaningless in the face of this tragedy.

What keeps showing up in my head, in my heart, in conversations with other people, in amazing emails from friends as well as those from powerful spiritual leaders is the power of LOVE and the importance of GOD.  When it all comes down to it, that is what is truly most important to me and in life!

In the face of this horrible tragedy, we have an amazing opportunity to bring forth the power of Love and God – to tell the people that we love how important they are to us and to connect with that deep and sacred place of our own personal spiritual journey.

I think it is so important that we honor our intense emotions and truly feel them – and let others to do the same.  Even though this may be uncomfortable, especially with certain emotions – I know it is that way for me.  On the other side of all of our emotions is Love.  Love is the key to the kingdom.  Love gives us access to healing, to forgiveness, and to peace.  Love is the basis of all of our connections to one another.  And Love is the foundation of our relationship to God.

I believe that the essence of each of us is Love.  It is who we are and what we all want.  We each have an infinite amount of Love.  I have been so inspired and amazed by the incredible outpouring of love I have seen throughout our country and our world in response to this crisis.  Standing hand in hand with strangers at Glide Memorial Church and at Grace Cathedral  in San Francisco this week, I wept at the Love I felt (from and for people I didn’t even know) and at the extraordinary power of the human spirit.

This email is an expression of my love for you, your family and friends, and for the world.  Here is my prayer:

Dear God:

We pray for courage and strength as we all deal with this crisis. 

Allow us to be real and open in the face of such intense sadness and fear. 

Please bring peace and healing to all those who have been hurt, directly or indirectly, by this tragedy.

May we unite together in Love to heal ourselves, each other, and our world.

Let Peace, Forgiveness, Healing, and Love prevail.

Amen

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