Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

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The Importance of Live Conversations in a Digital Age

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In today’s digital age, and in a post-COVID, hybrid working world, so many of us are communicating even more via text, social, Slack, and email.

Many of us are probably guilty of having a disagreement escalate communicating this way. Many people often engage in difficult or emotional conversations electronically because it seems easier, only to regret it later on.

I’ve had some conflicts with important people in my life get blown way out of proportion, mainly because I engaged electronically, instead of speaking to them live.

In almost every one of these situations, I can see that it was my fear of engaging directly, in real-time that escalated things.

Why Do We Fail to Understand the Importance of Live Conversations?

Why do we fear to connect live, even though most of us know better? Why do we choose to have certain important conversations electronically rather than in person?

Our Primary Mode of Communication

For most of us, our primary mode of communication is electronic (email, text, social, Slack, etc.) these days – both personally and professionally.

It Seems Easier

It can sometimes seem easier for us to be honest and direct in writing because we can say what is true for us without having to worry about the in-the-moment reaction of others.

Our Fear

Electronic communication takes way less courage than having a live, real conversation with another human being (on the phone, on video, or in person). When we talk to people live we have to deal with our fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, and our tendency to “sell out” on ourselves and not speak our full truth. Avoiding live conversations and choosing to put it in writing sometimes feels safer and can allow us to say things we might otherwise withhold.

It is much less likely for us to work through conflicts, align with one another, and build trust and connection when we avoid talking live to each other about important stuff.

Anything we’re willing to engage in electronically can usually be resolved much more quickly, effectively, and compassionately by having a live conversation, even if we’re scared to do so. The fear may be real, but most often the actual threat is not.

How to Practice Engaging in Live Conversations

Here are some things you can do to practice engaging in live conversations with people more often and, ultimately, more successfully.

Be clear about your intention

Before initiating an electronic communication, ask yourself, “What’s my intention?”

If you’re about to engage in something that is in any way emotionally charged, about a conflict, or important on an interpersonal level, check in to make sure you’re not simply sending the message to avoid dealing with it and the person(s) involved directly.

Be honest with yourself about how you feel, what you want, and why you’re about to engage in the specific type and form of communication you’re choosing.

Don’t send everything you write

Expressing ourselves freely and unfiltered through writing can serve as a very important exercise, especially when dealing with conflicts or issues.

Remember: we don’t have to send everything we write!

One great exercise to practice is saving an email or text in your drafts or notes and reading it again later (maybe after you’ve calmed down a bit or even the following day.)

Writing out our thoughts and emotions before sending them gives us a safe space to release and process our feelings privately, which can lead to clarity and help us consider different perspectives.

By organizing our thoughts we can communicate more effectively and reduce the chances of creating conflict. Taking time before sending can also help us approach situations with a calmer mindset, which can go a long way in preventing us from sending an impulsive message that we’ll later regret.

Request a call or live meeting

Before engaging in a long, emotional electronic exchange, it can often be best to simply request a specific time to talk about the situation live – in-person, on video, or via phone.

Face to face is always best if you can make it happen, but if that poses a big challenge or isn’t logistically, connecting on video or talking on the phone can also work well.

A great response can simply be, “Thanks for your note, this seems like something that would be better to discuss live than electronically, let’s set up a time to talk later today or this week.”

Speak your truth, without judgment or blame

When you do engage in the live conversation (in person or virtually), focus on being real, not right.

Speak your truth by using “I statements,” (I think, I feel, I notice, I want, etc.).

As soon as you move into blame or judgment, you cut off the possibility of any true resolution. Own your judgments and notice if you start to blame the other person(s) involved. If so, acknowledge it, apologize for it, and get back to speaking your truth in a real way.

Get support from others

Reaching out for support from people we trust and respect is a great way to deal with emotionally-charged issues. Try to get feedback from people who will be honest with you, and who aren’t too personally connected to the situation themselves.

Whether it is to bounce ideas off of, get specific coaching or feedback, or simply to help you process through your own fear, anger, or tendency to overreact, getting support from those around you in the process is essential. You don’t have to do it alone and you’re not the only ones who struggle with things like this.

Let’s Remember the Importance of Live Conversations

Living life, doing our work, and interacting with the other human beings around us can be wonderfully exciting and incredibly challenging, especially these days with all we’ve been through and the continued uncertainty that exists everywhere.

Conflicts are a natural part of life, relationships, and work. We can learn so much about ourselves and others through engaging in productive disagreements and important conversations.

The ultimate goal isn’t to live a conflict-free life; it’s to be able to engage with those around us in a way that is productive, healthy, kind, and effective. When we remember that live conversations, even if they can be scary at first, are always the best way to go, we can save ourselves from needless worry, stress and suffering – and in the process resolve our conflicts much more quickly, easily, and successfully.

Are there situations in your life that require live conversations where you have either been avoiding or communicating electronically – and they’re not getting resolved? What can you do to address these situations directly – and have live conversations with those people? Share your ideas, commitments, thoughts, dreams, and more here on my blog.

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Live Like You’re Going to Die (Because You Are)

This article was originally published in 2011 and updated for 2023.

Live Like You’re Going to Die (Because You Are)

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As much as we don’t like to think about it or talk about it, the fact is, we’re all going to die one day.

The reality of death is, of course, both obvious and daunting for most of us.  

I used to wonder what it’s like to know you’re going to die – but then I realized that we’re all going to die. We just don’t act like it. 

As simple as this thought is, it is extremely profound for me.  I don’t live my life all that consciously aware of my own death.  My own fears about death (mine and others) often force me to avoid thinking about it all together.  I do catch myself worrying about dying; sometimes more often than I’d like to admit, especially when I think about Michelle and our daughters, Samantha and Rosie.

I sometimes worry that it’s too weird, intense, or scary to talk about death or that it’s somehow a bad omen to do so.

We have a lot of strange notions about death in our culture. The concept itself can be intimidating and goes against so much of what we obsess about (youth, productivity, vitality, results, beauty, improvement, the future, etc.).

But what if we embraced death, talked about it more, and shared our own vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and questions about it?  

Why You Should Live Like You’re Going to Die

While for some of us this may seem uncomfortable, undesirable, or even scary – think how liberating it would be to face the reality of death. To live like you’re going to die. 

Contemplating death in a conscious way doesn’t have to freak us out.  Knowing that our human experience is limited and that at some mysterious point in the future our physical body will die, is both sobering and liberating.

I’ve always appreciated memorial services, even when I’ve been in deep pain and grief over the death of someone close to me. I enjoy them because there is a powerful consciousness which often surrounds death. 

When someone passes away we often feel increased permission to get real, be vulnerable, and to focus on what’s most important (not the ego-based fear, comparison, and self-criticism that often runs our lives).

What if we tapped into this empowering awareness all the time – not just because someone close to us dies or because we have our own near-death experience, but because we choose to affirm life and appreciate the blessing, gift, and opportunity that it is?

How to Live Like You’re Going to Die

Here are some things we can think about, focus on, and do on a regular basis that will allow us to live like we’re going to die, in a positive way:

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

As my late friend and mentor Richard Carlson reminded millions of us through his bestselling series of books with this great title, life is not an emergency. Most of the stuff we worry about, get upset about, and obsess about is not that big of a deal.  

If we lived as if we were dying, we probably wouldn’t let so many small things bother us.

Let Go of Grudges

One of my favorite sayings is, “holding a grudge is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die.”  

Everyone loses when we hold a grudge, especially us.  Consider this: if you were aware of your impending death, would you genuinely want to spend your precious time and energy holding onto anger and resentment towards those around you or people from your past (regardless of what they may have done)? 

Forgiveness is powerful – it’s not about condoning anything, it’s about liberation and freedom.

Focus on What Truly Matters

What truly matters to you?  Love? Family? Relationships? Service? Creativity? Spirituality? 

Our authentic contemplation of death can help us answer this important question in a poignant way.  If you found out you only had a limited time left to live, what would you stop doing right now?  What would you want to focus on instead?  

And while we all have certain responsibilities in life, asking ourselves what truly matters to us and challenging ourselves to focus on that, right now, is one of the most important things we can do.

Go For It

Fear of failure often stops us from going for what we truly want in life.  From a certain perspective (the ego-based, physical, material world) death can be seen as the ultimate “failure” and is often related to that way in our culture, even though people don’t usually talk about it in these blunt terms.  However, this perspective can actually liberate us.  

If we know we’re ultimately going to “fail” in life (in terms of living forever), what have we really got to lose by taking big risks?  We all know how things are going to turn out in the end.  As I heard in a workshop many years ago, “Most of us are trying to survive life; we have to remember that no one ever has.”

Seize the Day

Carpe diem, the Latin phrase for “seize the day,” is all about being right here, right now.  The more willing we are to surrender to the present moment, embrace it, and fully experience it – the more we can appreciate and enjoy life.  

As John Lennon famously said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”  

Embracing a mindset of living as if every moment were our last entails cherishing the present, expressing gratitude for its preciousness, and avoiding excessive preoccupation with the past or future. Imagine if today were your final day on Earth. How would you choose to embrace life?

Death can be difficult and scary for many of us to confront. There is a lot of fear, resistance, and taboo surrounding it in our culture and for many of us personally. 

However, when we acknowledge death as a natural and inevitable part of life, we are reminded that each person’s existence, regardless of its duration, is inherently brief, invaluable, and awe-inspiring. This realization has the power to profoundly and positively transform our thoughts, emotions, and relationships with ourselves, others, and the world. 

Embracing a mindset of living with the awareness of our mortality (and remembering that death is guaranteed) is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and the people who mean the most to us.

How can you start living your life more conscious of your own death, in a positive and empowering way?  What can you do right now to let go of what’s not important, focus on what truly matters, and seize the day? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

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This article was published in 2011 and updated for 2023.

 

How to Move Through Your Fear

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Fear is something that we all experience, especially on our journey toward deeper authenticity, fulfillment, and success in life.  Being who we really are, expressing ourselves boldly, and going for what we want in life can cause a great deal of fear in us.

I experience fear all the time – especially when I’m taking risks, doing new things, and putting myself out there.  When I was younger I thought there was something really wrong with me because I would get so nervous – in sports, in school, in social settings, and more.  

I now understand that everyone else experiences their own version of the same basic fears (being judged, making mistakes, looking bad, failing, disappointing others, and more).  It’s just part of being human.

Many of us struggle with learning how to work with our fear. We run away or hide when things get scary, uncomfortable, or embarrassing.  We also erroneously think we shouldn’t have fear or we’re somehow wrong for feeling scared.  However, most things that mean something to us in life don’t show up without any fear at all.  And as we strive to live with authenticity, it’s inevitable that we’ll get scared along the way.

Moving through our fear is a transformative journey. It pushes us. It makes us uncomfortable. But it also helps us reach our full potential. It begins with us telling the truth about how we truly feel. 

When we challenge ourselves to confront our fears head on, we build resilience and gain confidence.  Every step we take towards our fears brings us closer to freedom from the grip of them.

Doing this requires determination, patience, and, most importantly, self-belief.  As we learn how to move through our fear, we discover inner strength we never knew we had. We become empowered to embrace life’s challenges and to grow. 

The question isn’t whether or not we’ll experience fear in our lives (because we all do and always will for as long as we live); the more important question for each of us to ask and answer is, how can I move through my fear in an honest way so that it doesn’t stop me from being who I really am and going for what I truly want in life?

How to Move Through Your Fear

Here are a few key things you can do to most effectively move through your fear.

1. Admit it

Acknowledge your fear, tell the truth about it, and be real.  When you feel scared and are willing to admit it with a sense of empathy and compassion for yourself, it can often take the edge off and give you a little breathing room to begin with.

2. Own it 

After you acknowledge your fear, take responsibility for it. Own it as yours, not anyone else’s.  We often have a tendency to blame others for doing or saying things that “scare” us.  However, when you remember that no one else can “make” you scared – only you have that power – you take back the responsibility and the power of the fear and remember that it exists within you, so you are the only person who can change it.

3. Feel it

Allow yourself to feel your fear, not just think about it or talk about it (this is something I often catch myself doing).  Feel it in your body and allow yourself to go into the emotion of it, even if it is scary or uncomfortable.  Like any emotion, when you feel your fear deeply and passionately, it has a way of dissipating.

4. Express it

To move through your fear, you must let it out.  Speak, write, emote, move your body, yell, visualize, or do whatever you feel is necessary for you to do to express your fear.  Similar to feeling any emotion with intensity, when you express emotions with intensity and passion, they move right through you.  When you repress our emotions, they get stuck and can become debilitating and dangerous.

Expressing emotions is absolutely crucial for both your mental and emotional well-being. It allows you to release pent-up feelings, prevent emotional build-up, and maintain a healthy balance within yourself.

5. Let it go

This one is often easier said than done.  Letting go of your fear becomes much easier when you honestly admit, own, feel, and express it.  Letting go of your fear is a conscious and deliberate choice, not a reactionary form of denial.  Once you’ve allowed yourself the time to work through your fear, you can declare “I’m choosing to let go of my fear and use its energy in a positive way.”

6. Visualize the positive outcomes you desire

Think about, speak out loud, write down, or even close your eyes and visualize how you want things to be, and, more important, how you want to feel.  If your fear is focused on something specific like your work, a relationship, money, etc., visualize it being how you want it to be and allow yourself to feel how you ultimately want to feel.

7. Take action

Be willing to take bold and courageous actions, even if you’re still feeling nervous.  Your legs may shake, your voice might quiver, but that doesn’t have to stop you from saying what’s on your mind. It doesn’t have to stop you from taking a risk, making a request, trying something new, or being bold in a small or big way.  Doing this is what builds confidence and allows you to truly move through your fear.

Fear can and does stop us in life – from being ourselves, speaking our truth, and going for what we really want.  But, when we remember with compassion that there’s nothing wrong with us for getting scared and when we’re willing to lean into our fears with vulnerability and courage – we can literally transform them into something that catapults our growth and fulfillment in life.

What would you do or say if fear didn’t stop you?  How can you move through your fear in a more authentic and effective way?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

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The Importance of Letting Go of Control

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Do you struggle with control?

If you are anything like me and many people I know, letting go of control might be a challenge.

I had a simple but profound experience in the swimming pool a while back – learning to float on my back for the first time in my life. I do know how to swim and enjoy being in the water, but for some reason, I never was able to figure out how to float on my back when I learned to swim as a kid, and as an adult, it hasn’t been something that has come up as an issue in my life.

Thanks to the help of a friend who coached me, I was able to let go and allow the water to support me. It felt scary at first, but it was an incredibly liberating and relaxing experience once I figured it out. As I was floating there in the pool, I had many thoughts, feelings, and insights – the biggest of which had to do with my obsession with controlling things and my struggle with letting things go.

Would you consider yourself very controlling, moderately controlling, or not controlling at all? Control is an issue that can get in our way – especially in the most important (and stressful) areas of life and work.

3 Things That Make Letting Go Difficult

To understand why letting go of control may be hard for us, we must take a look at the underlying causes.

Many beliefs and experiences can lead us to hold on tight and feel the need to control others, situations, circumstances, money, communications, our team, workflow, details, our work environment, and various other aspects of our lives.

However, here are three things that are usually underneath our controlling tendency:

  1. Fear: We worry that things won’t turn out, we will get hurt, bad things will happen, etc.
  2. Unworthiness: We don’t feel as though we deserve support, help, or for things to go our way.
  3. Lack of Trust: We’re scared to let go, count on others, and believe that things will be okay without us managing every aspect of the situation, relationship, conversation, etc. 

When it comes to leadership and teamwork, specifically, it’s essential to trust those around you. Because if you don’t trust your team, you will lose control. 

What does being controlling cost us?

There is a huge cost associated with control. This negative impact is not only on us and our well-being but also on those we love, the people we work with, and everyone around us. 

Here are some of the biggest costs:

  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Freedom
  • Energy
  • Creativity
  • Support
  • Ease
  • Connection
  • Love
  • Collaboration

How can we expand our capacity to let go of control?

There are many things we can do to let go of control. With compassion for ourselves, it’s important to remember that this is a process and something (especially for some of us) that may not come all that easy. 

Many of us have been literally “trained” (directly or indirectly) to be controlling, and in specific environments and situations (at work and home), being controlling has been encouraged or seemed necessary for our survival and the survival of those around us.

That being said, here are some things you can do and think about to expand your capacity to let go of control in a positive and liberating way:

Be honest with yourself.

Make an authentic assessment of how control shows up for you. It probably varies a bit for you (as it does for most of us), but at the same time, we all have certain tendencies, especially in the most critical and stressful areas of our lives. With empathy and honesty, take a look at where, how, and why you hold on tight to control in whatever way you do. Be honest with yourself about what this costs and how it impacts you and those around you.

Ask yourself, “Am I willing to let go of control?”

This is an important question to ponder and to answer honestly. In some cases and situations, the answer to this question may be “no.” It’s important to honor that if that’s the case for you. And at the same time, the more willing you are to ask and answer this question, the more likely you are to start letting go of control consciously (assuming it is something you’re genuinely interested in doing). You may not know how to do it or what it would look like, but authentic willingness is always the first step in positive change.

Consider who could support you.

Getting support is one of the most important (and often most vulnerable) aspects of letting go of control. Even though we sometimes feel like we’re all alone, that no one “gets it,” or that we couldn’t possibly make ourselves vulnerable enough to ask for help (especially in certain areas of life), it’s challenging to let go of control without the support of other people. 

The irony of asking for help is that many of us don’t feel comfortable doing so and fear it makes us seem weak or needy. And on the flip side, most of us love to be asked for help and enjoy helping others. We can’t do it alone! The good news is that we usually have lots of people in our life who would jump at the chance to support us – if we were just willing to ask for their help.

Surrender.

Surrendering, which is the bottom line of letting go of control, doesn’t mean giving up or not caring, it means trusting and allowing things to be taken care of by others, by the process, and by the Universal Intelligence governing life – some call this God, some call this Spirit, some don’t call it anything, but most of us have an experience of it at some level. 

Surrendering is about consciously choosing to trust and have faith. It is something that can liberate us in a profound way and is all about us choosing to let go. And while it’s important to trust ourselves, sometimes it’s even more important to surrender and trust that things will work out – in one way or another.

When we look back on our lives in hindsight, we usually see that “things happen for a reason.” What if we lived in the present moment with this same hindsight awareness? 

Letting go of control is about loosening our grip, allowing ourselves to be supported, and trusting that things will turn out as they are meant to. Is this easy? Not usually. However, as we practice this and expand our capacity to let go, we’ll be able to release and transform a good amount of unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety from our lives, our work, and our relationships. 

Letting go of control helps you grow as a leader, a team member, and, most importantly, a human being.

 

Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

 

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This article was originally published on September 6, 2012 and updated for 2022.

 

The Importance of Asking for Help

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As much as we love to lend our support and help others, many of us find asking for help awkward or uncomfortable. 

How can we shift our mindset on what it means about us when we’re willing to reach out to others?

When we ask people for their time, feedback, or support in a gracious way, it creates a win-win for everyone. Asking for help is a way to practice vulnerability, which is a necessary aspect of bringing our whole selves to work and life.

Why Do We Struggle Asking for Help?

Most of us have a hard time asking for help. Here are a few different reasons we have trouble doing it.

1. We’re scared of being judged. 

We fear that people will judge us or think we’re weak when we ask for help. It’s hard enough to summon up the courage to ask for help – but the fear of judgment behind it can be just as hard to deal with.

2. We don’t want to burden people.

Asking for help brings about the fear that we are annoying people – that we are being a burden on them, especially these days with all that is going on. We also worry about seeming selfish.

3. We’re afraid of rejection.

Many of us also worry that the person we ask for help will say no. We’ll get the courage to push through the fear of being judged and then have to face someone saying no after being so vulnerable.

It’s hard enough to make ourselves vulnerable, and most of us hate feeling rejected and disappointed. The fear of being disappointed and disappointing others can be an overwhelming one.

4. We’re scared they’ll do it wrong.

Another reason some of us struggle asking for help is because we’re scared they’ll do it wrong. Often we think – or even know – that we can do better.

But when we keep our world small and enclosed in only our perspective, it limits how vast our experience can grow and expand to.

If we’re struggling with things, asking for help can help us get through it.

Why Asking for Help is Important

 

– It helps us be more vulnerable and authentic.

Asking for help is a great way to practice being authentic and vulnerable, which allows us to have empathy for and with other human beings.

I define authenticity as honesty without self-righteousness and with vulnerability.  When we ask for help, we put ourselves out there. 

Being vulnerable allows us to connect with others, and it is important for us to embrace it. But many of us are afraid to do this because vulnerability carries a sense of risk and uncertainty.

– Practicing vulnerability helps us open up.

Vulnerability means opening up and making ourselves emotionally exposed. We must put our emotions on the line and be willing to fall on our faces. The more we practice being vulnerable, the more we build that muscle, and the more risk we can take while dealing with uncertainty. It helps us build trust with ourselves and with others.

– We will always stay at “no” if we don’t ask. 

We don’t get help if we don’t ask. When we ask for support, we worry about rejection or feeling embarrassed – but most of the time, none of those things happen.

Our strongest fears about what will happen when we ask for help rarely occur. The worst-case scenario is getting a “no” or an inauthentic yes. But when we ask, we may get the help and support we need that is super valuable.

When we ask for help, we give others the opportunity for the joy and satisfaction that comes from helping.

Asking for help might scare us, but remember – they might say yes.

When we get support, we are allowing others to help another human being. Asking people for help graciously creates a virtuous cycle. We are more likely to want to help that person in return if they ever ask for help, and vice versa. 

We have to be willing to ask for help and also be willing to receive it. 

Some of us take pride in being a martyr or think it’s admirable to be burdened with doing it all on our own. However, there is real courage in asking for help. 

If we become better at asking for help, we will get more help. We will empower the people around us in a way that nourishes them and us. We can also create an environment where we receive and give support in a generous and abundant way. 

When that happens, everyone thrives. Remember: we’re all in this together.

Your challenge for the week is to start asking for help, even when you feel uncomfortable. Remember that asking for help is a courageous and vulnerable task. It’s also an opportunity to both get and give support in a meaningful way. 

 

In what ways can you start asking for help? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

 

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