Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

surrender

Life’s Easy… It’s Dealing With Ourselves That’s Hard

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When we make peace with ourselves, everything changes.

Over the years and the experiences I’ve had – particularly in my professional life – I’ve learned that writing, speaking, and coaching are relatively easy things for me to do. It’s dealing with myself that’s the hardest part.

I think this is true with most of the things we do in life – even the most challenging ones.  It’s usually our own fears, doubts, insecurities, attachments, and resistance that make things difficult, not so much the things themselves.

When We Make Peace With Ourselves, Life Flows With More Ease

Regardless of the specific circumstances we’re facing or tasks in front of us, when we make peace with ourselves and what’s going on, things tend to flow with more ease, joy, and grace.  When we’re not at peace with ourselves or life, it doesn’t matter how “good” or “bad” things may be circumstantially, we suffer.

So how do we make peace with ourselves and overcome our fears, doubts, and insecurities?

Making Peace with Ourselves

Here are three core lessons for how we can make peace with ourselves at a deeper level:

1. Have Compassion For Yourself

Self-compassion is one of the most important aspects of life and growth, but is often something we either overlook, think is “soft,” misunderstand, or simply don’t know how to practice.

There are three key elements to self-compassion:

  1. Mindfulness and awareness for how we’re treating ourselves.
  2. A sense of kindness and forgiveness towards ourselves
  3. A realization of our common humanity with others (i.e. remembering that we’re not alone in our experience).

In my life I’ve realized that when I’m able to be gentle and kind with myself and reduce my self-criticism, not only are things more fun, I’ve actually been able to achieve much more success.

2.  Surrender to Life as it Actually Is

Surrendering isn’t about giving up or giving in, it’s about making peace with what is (even if we don’t like it.)

A big paradox in life is that until we can be at peace with what’s actually happening in the moment (i.e. letting go of our resistance and of our obsessive focus on how things should be), we’re not able to make the changes we want or to experience the joy we desire.

Whenever we resist, judge, or fight against what is happening in our lives, we suffer.  However, when we’re able to allow things to be exactly as they are, it can be remarkable to see how easily things have flowed.

3.  Take Ownership 

Ownership is about taking full responsibility for our lives and for what shows up around us.  This can be tricky for a few reasons.

First of all, we live in a culture that loves to blame and make excuses, so we’re swimming in that ocean all the time.  Second of all, there are a lot of things that happen in and around us that we don’t have direct control over (other people, the economy, the weather, decisions, and many circumstances and situations – both personal and global).

However, we always have a choice about how we relate to what’s going on and how we interpret the things happening around us and even within us.  When we take ownership we let go of blaming and excuses (or we notice as soon as we can when we’re heading down that negative road.)  And, we make a commitment to ourselves that we’re going to create what we truly want – not simply react to life as if it is “happening to us.”

These are all fairly simple concepts, but like many things I write and speak about, understanding them is quite different than practicing and embodying them (i.e. they’re easier said than done.)

When we cultivate empathy and compassion for ourselves and embrace the realization that meaningful change begins with us, we gain a profound understanding that we hold the key to our own joy, pain, triumphs, and challenges.

It’s both sobering and liberating when we embrace the idea that we are the source of our own happiness or suffering.  When we get this and live this way, we release ourselves from a great deal of unnecessary stress and make ourselves available to show up for others and for life in an open, authentic, and empowered way.

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This article was published in 2014 and updated for 2023.

The Importance of Letting Go of Control

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Do you struggle with control?

If you are anything like me and many people I know, letting go of control might be a challenge.

I had a simple but profound experience in the swimming pool a while back – learning to float on my back for the first time in my life. I do know how to swim and enjoy being in the water, but for some reason, I never was able to figure out how to float on my back when I learned to swim as a kid, and as an adult, it hasn’t been something that has come up as an issue in my life.

Thanks to the help of a friend who coached me, I was able to let go and allow the water to support me. It felt scary at first, but it was an incredibly liberating and relaxing experience once I figured it out. As I was floating there in the pool, I had many thoughts, feelings, and insights – the biggest of which had to do with my obsession with controlling things and my struggle with letting things go.

Would you consider yourself very controlling, moderately controlling, or not controlling at all? Control is an issue that can get in our way – especially in the most important (and stressful) areas of life and work.

3 Things That Make Letting Go Difficult

To understand why letting go of control may be hard for us, we must take a look at the underlying causes.

Many beliefs and experiences can lead us to hold on tight and feel the need to control others, situations, circumstances, money, communications, our team, workflow, details, our work environment, and various other aspects of our lives.

However, here are three things that are usually underneath our controlling tendency:

  1. Fear: We worry that things won’t turn out, we will get hurt, bad things will happen, etc.
  2. Unworthiness: We don’t feel as though we deserve support, help, or for things to go our way.
  3. Lack of Trust: We’re scared to let go, count on others, and believe that things will be okay without us managing every aspect of the situation, relationship, conversation, etc. 

When it comes to leadership and teamwork, specifically, it’s essential to trust those around you. Because if you don’t trust your team, you will lose control. 

What does being controlling cost us?

There is a huge cost associated with control. This negative impact is not only on us and our well-being but also on those we love, the people we work with, and everyone around us. 

Here are some of the biggest costs:

  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Freedom
  • Energy
  • Creativity
  • Support
  • Ease
  • Connection
  • Love
  • Collaboration

How can we expand our capacity to let go of control?

There are many things we can do to let go of control. With compassion for ourselves, it’s important to remember that this is a process and something (especially for some of us) that may not come all that easy. 

Many of us have been literally “trained” (directly or indirectly) to be controlling, and in specific environments and situations (at work and home), being controlling has been encouraged or seemed necessary for our survival and the survival of those around us.

That being said, here are some things you can do and think about to expand your capacity to let go of control in a positive and liberating way:

Be honest with yourself.

Make an authentic assessment of how control shows up for you. It probably varies a bit for you (as it does for most of us), but at the same time, we all have certain tendencies, especially in the most critical and stressful areas of our lives. With empathy and honesty, take a look at where, how, and why you hold on tight to control in whatever way you do. Be honest with yourself about what this costs and how it impacts you and those around you.

Ask yourself, “Am I willing to let go of control?”

This is an important question to ponder and to answer honestly. In some cases and situations, the answer to this question may be “no.” It’s important to honor that if that’s the case for you. And at the same time, the more willing you are to ask and answer this question, the more likely you are to start letting go of control consciously (assuming it is something you’re genuinely interested in doing). You may not know how to do it or what it would look like, but authentic willingness is always the first step in positive change.

Consider who could support you.

Getting support is one of the most important (and often most vulnerable) aspects of letting go of control. Even though we sometimes feel like we’re all alone, that no one “gets it,” or that we couldn’t possibly make ourselves vulnerable enough to ask for help (especially in certain areas of life), it’s challenging to let go of control without the support of other people. 

The irony of asking for help is that many of us don’t feel comfortable doing so and fear it makes us seem weak or needy. And on the flip side, most of us love to be asked for help and enjoy helping others. We can’t do it alone! The good news is that we usually have lots of people in our life who would jump at the chance to support us – if we were just willing to ask for their help.

Surrender.

Surrendering, which is the bottom line of letting go of control, doesn’t mean giving up or not caring, it means trusting and allowing things to be taken care of by others, by the process, and by the Universal Intelligence governing life – some call this God, some call this Spirit, some don’t call it anything, but most of us have an experience of it at some level. 

Surrendering is about consciously choosing to trust and have faith. It is something that can liberate us in a profound way and is all about us choosing to let go. And while it’s important to trust ourselves, sometimes it’s even more important to surrender and trust that things will work out – in one way or another.

When we look back on our lives in hindsight, we usually see that “things happen for a reason.” What if we lived in the present moment with this same hindsight awareness? 

Letting go of control is about loosening our grip, allowing ourselves to be supported, and trusting that things will turn out as they are meant to. Is this easy? Not usually. However, as we practice this and expand our capacity to let go, we’ll be able to release and transform a good amount of unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety from our lives, our work, and our relationships. 

Letting go of control helps you grow as a leader, a team member, and, most importantly, a human being.

 

Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

 

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This article was originally published on September 6, 2012 and updated for 2022.

 

Let Go of Control

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I had a simple, but profound experience in the swimming pool last week – I floated on my back for the first time in my life.  I do know how to swim and enjoy being in the water, but for some reason I never was able to figure out how to float on my back when I learned to swim as a kid and as an adult it hasn’t really been something that has come up as an issue in my life (although it has always been something that I wanted to learn, felt a bit embarrassed about not being able to do, and also didn’t quite understand).

Thanks to the help of my friend Steve last week, I was able to let go and allow the water to support me.  It felt scary at first, but once I figured it out, it was an incredibly liberating and relaxing experience.  As I was floating there in the pool I had many thoughts, feelings, and insights – the biggest of which had to do with my own obsession with controlling things, and my deep desire and fear about letting go.

How controlling are you?  Would you consider yourself very controlling, moderately controlling, or not controlling at all?  While each of us falls somewhere along the continuum of control and for some of us this is a bigger issue than others, for most of the people I know and work with, control is an issue that gets in our way – especially in the most important (and stressful) areas of life.

What causes us to be controlling?

There are many reasons, beliefs, and emotions that lead us to hold on tight and feel the need to control others, situations, circumstances, money, communications, food, workflow, details, our environment, and various other “important’ aspects of our lives.  However, here are three things that are usually underneath our controlling tendency:

  • Fear – We worry that things won’t turn out, we will get hurt, bad things will happen, etc.
  • Unworthiness – We don’t feel as though we deserve support, help, or for things to go our way.
  • Lack of Trust – We’re scared to let go, count on others, and to believe that things will be okay without us managing every aspect of the situation, relationship, conversation, etc.

What does being controlling cost us?

There is a huge cost associated with being controlling.  This negative impact is not only on us and our well-being, but also on those we love, the people we work with, and everyone around us.  Here are some of the biggest costs:

  • Joy
  • Peace
  • Freedom
  • Energy
  • Creativity
  • Support
  • Ease
  • Connection
  • Love

How can we expand our capacity to let go of control?

There are many things we can do to let go of control.  With compassion for ourselves, it’s important to remember that this is a process and something (especially for some of us) that may not come all that easy.  Many of us have been literally “trained” (directly or indirectly) to be controlling and in certain environments and situations (at work and at home), being controlling has been encouraged or seemed necessary for our own survival and the survival of those around us.

That being said, here are some things you can do and think about to expand your own capacity to let go of control in a positive and liberating way:

– Be honest with yourself – Make an authentic assessment about your own controlling nature.  It probably varies a bit for you (as it does for most of us), but at the same time we all have certain tendencies, especially in the most important and stressful areas of our lives.  With empathy and honesty, take a look at where, how, and why you hold on tight to control in whatever way you do.  And, be real with yourself about what this costs and how it impacts you and those around you.

– Ask yourself, “Am I willing to let go of control?” – This is an important question to ponder and to answer honestly.  In some cases and in certain situations, the answer to this question may be “no.”  It’s important to honor that if that’s the case for you.  And, at the same time, the more willing you are to ask and answer this question, the more likely you are to start letting go of control consciously (assuming it is something you’re truly interested in doing).  You may not know how to do it or what it would look like, but authentic willingness is always the first step in positive change.

– Consider who could support you – Getting support is one of the most important (and often most vulnerable) aspects of letting go of control.  Even though we sometimes feel like we’re all alone, that no one “gets it,” and/or that we couldn’t possibly make ourselves vulnerable enough to ask for help (especially in certain areas of life), it’s difficult to let go of control without the support of other people.  The irony of asking for help is that many of us don’t feel comfortable doing so and fear it makes us seem weak or needy, and on the flip side most of us love to be asked for help and really enjoy helping others.  We can’t do it alone!  And, the good news is that most of us have lots of people in our life that would jump at the chance to support us – if we were willing to ask for help more freely.

– Surrender – This is the bottom line of letting go.  Surrendering doesn’t mean giving up or not caring, it means trusting and allowing things to be taken care of by others, by the process, and by the Universal Intelligence governing life – some call this God, some call this Spirit, some don’t call it anything, but most of us have an experience of It at some level.  Surrendering is about consciously choosing to trust and have faith.  It is something that can liberate us in a profound way and is all about us choosing to let go.

When we look back on our lives in hindsight, we usually see that “things happen for a reason.”  What if we lived in the present moment with this same hindsight awareness?  As one of my mentors said to me years ago, “Mike, you’re living your life as though you’re trying to survive it.  You have to remember, no one ever has.”

Letting go of control is about loosening our grip, allowing ourselves to be supported, and trusting that things will turn out as they are meant to.  Is this easy?  Not always, although it can be.  However, as we practice this and expand our capacity to let go, we’ll be able to release and transform a good amount of unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety from our lives, our work, and our relationships.

Where are you willing to let go of control in your life?  What support do you need?  How can letting go of control liberate you?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.