Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

Mike Robbins

Why Empathy is Important: How to Become More Empathetic

12 Comments

As an executive coach and consultant, my clients often ask me why empathy is so important.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines empathy as:

The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

Do you know why empathy is important, or what it is?

Here is Why Empathy is Important

Empathy is one of the most important aspects of creating strong relationships, reducing stress, and enhancing emotional awareness – yet it can be tricky at times.

For example, how can you be empathetic towards people you may not necessarily agree with?

I consider myself to be an empathetic person, but I notice that with certain people and in particular situations, my natural ability and desire to empathize can be diminished or almost non-existent, especially these days.

But there are so many benefits to empathy that most people aren’t even aware of. For example, I also notice that when I feel empathy for others and for myself, I feel a sense of peace, connection, and perspective that I like. And, when there is an absence of empathy in a particular relationship, situation, or in how I’m relating to myself, I often experience stress, disconnection, and negativity.

Can you relate?

Never underestimate the power of empathy.

But what is empathy anyway?

It’s important to understand that empathy is not sympathy.

When we’re sympathetic, we often pity someone else but maintain our distance (physically, mentally, and emotionally) from their feelings or experience.

Empathy is more a sense that we can truly understand, relate to, or imagine the depth of another person’s emotional state or situation.

It implies feeling with a person, rather than feeling sorry for a person.

Empathy is a translation of the German term Einfühlung, meaning “to feel as one with.” It implies sharing the load, or “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes,” in order to understand that person’s perspective.

The Benefits of Empathy

Another reason why empathy is so important is that it’s one of the best ways we can enhance our relationships, reduce our stress levels, and feel good about ourselves and our lives in an authentic way. Here are a few more benefits of empathy:

  • Benefits your health (less stress and less negativity which leads people to be in better shape with stronger immune systems)
  • Leads to a happier life
  • Improves communications skills
  • Leads to teamwork
  • Creates a healthy work environment
  • Transcends personal relationships
  • Decreases negativity

Why Do People Lack Empathy?

There are a number of things that get in the way of us utilizing and experiencing the power of empathy. Three of the main ones, which are all interrelated, are as follows:

1. Feeling Threatened

We often feel “threatened” based on our own fears, projections, and past experiences – not by what is actually happening in the moment or in a particular relationship or situation. Whether the threat is “real” or “imagined,” when we feel threatened in any way, it often shuts down our ability to experience empathy.

2. Being Judgmental

Being judgmental is a totally different game than making value judgments (what to wear, what to eat, what to say, etc.).

When we’re judgmental, we decide that we’re “right” and someone else is “wrong.” Doing this hurts us and others and it cuts us off from those around us. When we’re being judgmental about another person, group of people, or situation, we significantly diminish our capacity to be empathetic.

3. Fear

Can you guess the root of all of this?

It’s our fear.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with fear, it’s a natural human emotion – which, in fact, has many positive aspects to it, if we’re willing to admit it, own it, express it, and move through it. Fear saves our lives and keeps us out of trouble all the time.

The issue with fear is our denial of it. We deem things, people, or situations to be “scary,” when in truth there is nothing in life that is inherently “scary.” When we allow ourselves to be motivated by fear – which often leads to us defending ourselves against “threats,” being judgmental, and more – it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to access the power of empathy.

On my podcast, I often talk about the importance of embracing our emotions. The more willing we are to look at our fear, acknowledge it, embrace it, own it, and take responsibility for it, the more able we are to expand our capacity for empathy.

Why Empathy is Important: How to Become More Empathetic

Signs That Someone Lacks Empathy

Here are some signs that someone lacks empathy.

  • Highly critical of others
  • Unable to control emotions
  • Unaware of other people’s feelings
  • Accuses people of being overly sensitive
  • Overreacts to small things
  • Won’t admit when wrong
  • Behaves insensitively
  • Has trouble maintaining relationships
  • Can’t handle uncomfortable situations
  • Sees perceived slights everywhere

The reason why empathy is so important is that it helps us better understand how others are feeling, and even feel it in ourselves. It helps us maintain relationships and plays a role in dictating our success in both personal and professional relationships.

A lack of empathy can also be a trait of personality disorders like narcissism or antisocial personality disorder.

People may lack empathy due to the environment they were raised in. They may have grown up with parents who could not regulate their emotions and showed very little compassion towards them. They may have also experienced difficult situations in life that caused them to lack empathy and behave the way they do.

How to Become More Empathetic

Here are a few things you can do and think about to become more empathetic:

1. Be Real About How You Feel

When we’re in a conflict with another person or dealing with someone or something that’s challenging for us, being able to admit, own, and express our fear, insecurity, sadness, anger, jealousy, or whatever other “negative” emotions we are experiencing, is one of the best ways for us to move past our defensiveness and authentically address the deeper issues of the situation.

Doing this allows us to access empathy for ourselves, the other person or people involved, and even the circumstances of the conflict or challenge itself. Check out this blog post for tips on how to resolve conflict.

2. Imagine What It’s Like For Them

While it can sometimes be difficult for us to “understand” another person’s perspective or situation, being able to imagine what it must be like for them is an essential aspect of empathy.

The more willing we are to imagine what it’s like for them, the more compassion, understanding, and empathy we’ll be able to experience.

In today’s uncertain political climate and the many stresses that come with a pandemic, it is more important now than ever before to use compassion every day. You can learn more about the importance of compassion here.

My most recent book, We’re All in This Together, helps leaders become more compassionate with their team members by giving them a roadmap for building trust, collaborating, and operating at a peak level. Learn more about the book here.

3. Forgive Yourself and Others

In another one of my books, Nothing Changes Until You Do, I talk about the complicated relationship we all have with ourselves and the struggle many of us have to be kind, compassionate, and loving towards ourselves. Forgiveness is one of the most important things we can do in life to heal ourselves, let go of negativity, and live a life of peace and fulfillment. Forgiveness has to first start with us.

I believe that all judgment is self-judgment. When we forgive ourselves, we create the conditions and perspective to forgive others.

Forgiveness is one of the many important aspects of life that is often easier said than done. It is something we need to learn about and practice all the time.

One of the best books you can read on this subject is called Forgive For Good, written by my friend and mentor Dr. Fred Luskin, one of the world’s leading experts and teachers about the power of forgiveness. This book gives you practical and tangible techniques you can use to forgive anyone and anything.

The more willing we are to forgive ourselves and others (and continue to practice this in an ongoing way), the more able we’ll be to empathize authentically.

Questions to Ask Yourself:

  1. How empathetic are you?
  2. What can you do to enhance your capacity for empathy?
  3. How would an increased ability to empathize with others (and yourself) impact your life and relationships?
  4. Where in your life and relationships can you see that feeling threatened, being judgmental, and experiencing fear stop you from being empathetic?

Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more in the comments section below.

I have written five books about, among other things, the importance of empathy, authenticity, and appreciation. I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) that empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. As an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more engaged and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today.

This article was originally published on October 13, 2010, and has been updated for 2021.

How Men Can Support Women and Empower Female Leadership

2 Comments

Like millions of people around the world, I was deeply moved and inspired by the recent speech Oprah Winfrey gave at the Golden Globe awards.  If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend checking out the video.

Oprah touched on, among other things, the cultural moment we’re in right now with respect to sexual harassment and gender equality.  Over the past few months, I’ve been reflecting on my own thoughts, beliefs, words, and actions, and challenging myself to be even more aware, understanding, and inclusive.  I’ve also been trying to figure out what I can do as a man to advocate for and support women – those whom I know personally and in our society at large.

Issues of gender inequality run deep in our country and our world.  And while we’ve made a lot of progress, we clearly have more work to do.  There are also layers of complexity and emotion to this issue that make it tricky, especially for us men, to fully understand and to address openly and effectively.

On this week’s episode of my podcast, I interviewed Will Marre, co-founder of the Covey Leadership Institute, who recently founded an organization called A Million SMART Women.  He’s worked for the past thirty years creating breakthroughs at some the world’s top organizations including, Johnson & Johnson, Nike and Gap. He’s a thought-leader and trusted advisor on corporate transformation and the competitive advantage of female leaders.

Will and I talked about some of the dynamics of gender issues in today’s business world, how men can advocate for and support women in leadership, and how we can all remember that we’re in this together.

Some of the key things men can do to support women and empower female leadership are:

1)  Listen.  Listening is always important – it’s the key to communication and fundamental to connection.  Now more than ever, it’s important for us men to really listen to women, hear their stories, and try to understand their experience at a deeper level.  When we open our minds and our hearts to the experiences of others with curiosity and compassion, not only do we learn, but we make it safer for them to speak up and more likely that we can find common ground.

2)  Advocate.  Research shows that when women advocate for others in business it’s seen as a positive quality, but when they advocate for themselves it’s seen as a negative one.  However, when men advocate for themselves, it’s seen much more positively.  We all need advocates if we’re going to succeed and move forward in our careers.  Given many of the gender-based double standards that still exist, male advocacy for female leadership is essential and valuable.

3)  Engage.  Thinking about and talking about gender can be challenging for us men for two main reasons.  First of all, we aren’t always paying attention to it.  Second of all, we worry that if we do engage about gender, we’ll say something wrong, offend some of the women around us, or be seen as sexist.  Because of these things (and others), we sometimes shy away from doing or saying anything about gender at all.  Even though we may be uncomfortable, it’s important for us to engage and to remember that gender equality and the empowerment of female leadership is not just a women’s issue, it’s a human issue that impacts all of us.

What can you do to create an environment that is as safe, open, and inclusive as possible?  What can you do to support and empower female leadership?  Share your thoughts below in the comments section here on my blog and/or join the conversation we’re having about this on my Bring Your Whole Self to Work podcast.

Remember How Strong You Are

2 Comments

In early March of 2011, I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Half Moon Bay, California, where I was scheduled to speak later that morning. Although it was a pretty big event, I wasn’t feeling all that nervous about it-I had other things on my mind. I called one of my best friends, Theo, to reach out for his support. Theo and I have been friends for more than a decade-we’ve helped each other through a lot of big life stuff, even though we live on opposites sides of the country and due to our busy schedules don’t actually get to see each other in person all that much. I love, trust, and admire Theo a great deal-not only is he one of the smartest people I know, he’s also one of those people you can call at 3 a.m. and know he’ll be there for you.

That particular morning the conversation focused completely on me and our house situation. We’d been trying to work with our lender to figure out how to get out from under the enormous negative equity position we were in. Things were really up in the air with the bank, doing a short sale wasn’t looking all that good, and the reality that we might simply need to walk away and have them foreclose on us was a real possibility. I felt paralyzed by my fear, shame, and embarrassment, and I was completely overwhelmed by the circumstances.

I said, “I don’t know if I can handle this. I can’t believe we put ourselves in this situation. How could I have allowed this to happen? I feel like an idiot!”

Theo listened with empathy and understanding. Then he said, “First of all, Mike, stop being so hard on yourself. Yes, you’ve made some mistakes, but you’re learning from them and you’re clearly not an idiot. Second of all, even with the mistakes you’ve made, a lot of people are in your same situation. It’s not your fault that the economy crashed and the housing market imploded. And, finally, it’s important to remember that you have more than this requires.”

As I allowed what he said to resonate with me, I was touched by a few specific things. First of all, I was reminded once again why Theo has been a constant in my life. He’s always able to acknowledge the reality of a situation and then put it in perspective. Second of all, his words made me stop and take inventory of some of the adversity I’ve overcome in my life. In so doing, I was reminded that I am actually quite resilient. I got to thinking more and more about my own internal strength (and the strength we each possess as human beings) over the hours and days that followed our conversation.

In just about every situation and circumstance in life, we really do have more than is required to not only deal with what’s happening, but to thrive in the face of it. As the saying goes, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. While I don’t believe that we have to necessarily suffer and struggle in order to grow and evolve in life, one of the best things we can do when dealing with a major challenge is to look for the gifts and to find the gold in the situation as much as possible.

Each of us has overcome a lot in our lives-both big and small. If you spend enough time walking around the planet, chances are you’ll experience some significant adversity. Dealing with and overcoming it not only teaches us a lot about ourselves, others, and life, but also gives us the opportunity to be reminded of our own power and strength. It’s not that we won’t feel scared, overwhelmed, angry, sad, embarrassed, confused, worried, or more-these feelings and many others are often a part of going through adverse times. However, remembering that “this, too, shall pass” will help us persevere in the midst of challenges, while reminding us that we can actually expand ourselves in the process.

One of the most painful yet growth-inducing experiences of my life was when I got my heart broken in my mid-20s. Sara and I met in college and started dating in our senior year. We were together for three and a half years, and had gotten pretty serious. Going through college graduation, the end of my baseball career, moving in together, the sudden death of her father, the start of our first jobs, a breakup and reconciliation two years into our relationship, and more had bonded us significantly.

In the fall of 1999, Sara decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore, and we split up abruptly. I was crushed. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I’d never experienced emotions like this before in my life. It was hard to eat, sleep, and even get out of bed in the morning. I felt lost and worried I would never find my way again. At one point when I was deep in the throes of my despair, I remember having a vision that I was a running back in a football game. This was an odd vision for me, since I’d never played football. However, I saw myself running with the ball toward the end zone. There were a bunch of guys trying to tackle me, but I was holding on to the ball with both hands, driving my legs as hard as I could, and doing everything possible not to let them bring me down. This vision felt like a sign to me-that the pain, confusion, and loneliness were there for a reason. Although it was difficult, I was strong enough to withstand it, and if I continued to persevere, I would be okay.

While it did take some time, a lot of forgiveness, support, and inner work, I moved through that painful experience and gained a great deal in the process. I learned how strong I was, gained a deeper awareness and empathy for the experience of loss and heartbreak, and came away with a greater understanding of what’s important to me in relationships and in life. Going through that heartache made me a better person and also helped get me ready to meet Michelle, which I’m eternally grateful for.

When we remember how strong we are, not only can it help us as we face challenges or adversity in the moment, it can give us much needed confidence and faith that we actually have what it takes to navigate this crazy and beautiful thing called life. As Glennon Melton, author of Carry On, Warrior and creator of one of my favorite blogs, Momastery, likes to say, “Life can be hard sometimes, but that’s okay, because we can do hard things.”

This is an excerpt from Nothing Changes Until You Do, by Mike Robbins posted  with permission.  Published by Hay House (May, 2015 in paperback) and available online or in bookstores.

What can you (or do you) do to remember how strong you are? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

My New TEDx Talk – Bring Your Whole Self to Work

1 Comment

I hope you’re doing well and having a great week!

As I mentioned in last week’s newsletter blog post (and you may have seen from some if my social media posts), I recently gave another Tedx talk.  This new one is called Bring your Whole Self to Work.

I wanted to share the video of the talk with you in case you haven’t seen it yet, for two main reasons.  First of all, because I think you’ll enjoy it and get some good stuff out of it – especially as it relates to your professional life.  And, second of all, because if you feel moved to do so, I’d be honored and grateful if you shared it with others…via email, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, etc. 🙂

The talk is just 12 minutes long and focuses on the importance of bringing all of who we are to the work that we do, as well as doing what we can to create an environment around us where people can do the same.  These are things I’ve been researching, writing, and speaking about for years – and I feel like this new TEDx talk encapsulates some of my newest thinking and most exciting insights.

I hope you enjoy this talk and it gives you some inspiration and ideas about how you can more fully bring all of who you are to work that you do (and encourage others to do so as well).

And, if you’d like to share the video of this talk, you can simply forward this link (https://mike-robbins.com/tedxberkeley/) or this email to others.  If you’d like to post it on social media, here are two samples you can use or edit:

For Facebook/LinkedIn:

Mike Robbins, author of Nothing Changes Until You Do, just gave a great new TEDx talk called Bring Your Whole Self to Work, check it out: https://mike-robbins.com/tedxberkeley/

For Twitter:

Check out this great new TEDx talk by author @MikeDRobbins called Bring Your Whole Self to Work, https://ow.ly/LgAl5

Be Careful of Monday Morning Quarterbacking

7 Comments

Wow… that was quite an exciting ending to the Super Bowl, wasn’t it?  If you happened to have missed it, the New England Patriots beat the Seattle Seahawks 28-24.  The Seahawks had the ball on the one yard line with less than a minute to go in the game and a few downs to work with.  It looked like they were going to score a touchdown and win the game.  However, instead of handing the ball off to their superstar running back, Marshawn Lynch, they decided to pass the ball on second down, and it was intercepted – thus clinching the dramatic victory for the Patriots.

Immediately following the game and over the past few days, there has been a lot of criticism aimed at Seahawks coach Pete Carroll for calling the play, and at his quarterback, Russell Wilson, for throwing the interception.  In our local newspaper the headline read, “Worst Call Ever.”  This is the epitome of “Monday morning quarterbacking,” a term that is often used to describe the phenomenon of second-guessing not only the decisions of football coaches and execution of players, but second-guessing in general.

With a game of this magnitude (it was watched on TV by the largest audience in the history of television… over 115 million people) and with the nature of how things transpired at the end of the game, it makes sense that people feel passionately about it and have strong opinions about what happened.  I, too, found it odd that they would call for a pass play and not a run play in that situation.  However, I am finding myself both amused and shocked by the level of intensity of the second-guessing and I think it speaks to something much more important and universal than people’s opinions about an important football game.

Monday morning quarterbacking is dangerous and is something many of us do with others and ourselves.  We also worry about either making mistakes or about the opinions or judgments of others so much, it stops us from taking risks, trying new things, and going for it in life… much to our own detriment.

What we often fail to see is that it is easy to second-guess someone else (or ourselves) when failure happens.  For example, if Russell Wilson had completed that pass, many people would have thought Pete Carroll and his offensive coordinator were geniuses.  I assume people would have said things like, “Wow, that was a risky and unconventional decision, but it caught the Patriots off guard and was brilliant… that’s why they’re the champs.”  But, since it didn’t work out and ended up costing them the game, people have been saying things like, “What were they thinking?  How could they have done that?  This will haunt them for the rest of their lives.  They’re idiots.”

These comments (and ones that are probably much worse), while understandable, don’t take into consideration a few important things.

First of all, the Seahawks, their coach, and their quarterback won the Super Bowl last year, had an amazing turn-around this season, came back from the brink of elimination two weeks ago in the NFC championship game, and almost had another miraculous comeback in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl.  Two plays before the interception was one of the greatest plays I have ever seen in a Super Bowl and it put them in a position to potentially and surprisingly win the game, after just giving up another touchdown to the Patriots.  I’m not even a Seahawks fan, and it is hard not to appreciate what they have done in the past few years and how good they are.

Second of all, one play, even a big one like this, doesn’t invalidate all of the success and expertise of an individual coach, player, or team.  It also never is the deciding factor in a victory or a loss, even though it seems like it.  There are lots of things that have to come together in a specific combination for a game to go one way or another – just like in life.

Third of all, football, like life, is played on the field… not on the sidelines, in the stands, in the commentator’s booth, or on the couch at home.  None of us know exactly what it’s like to be on the field and play the game… unless we’re actually playing in that game.  The good news about being in the game is that you can have an impact on the outcome.  The bad news is that sometimes you make a decision or a mistake that causes you and your team to lose.  This is the reality of life and sports… and one of the many things that make both life and sports interesting and exciting.

Look at your own life… where do you find yourself being a Monday morning quarterback?  Where do you find yourself worrying about the other Monday morning quarterbacks around you?  What if instead of second-guessing ourselves and others (or worrying about second-guessing), we focused more of our attention on getting into the game, playing with passion, going for it, and trusting that things will work out as they are meant to work out, even and especially if we fail.

No one is perfect.  Even champions make mistakes.  Everyone is an “expert” after the fact, but no one has a crystal ball in the moment and can know for sure what the best move to make is.  Football, just like life, can be unpredictable.  Reflecting on and evaluating our decisions, our performance, our effort, and that of those around us after the fact can be helpful, healthy, and growth-inducing.

However, Monday morning quarterbacking, especially when we do it with arrogance, righteousness, and without an awareness of the fact that it’s always easier to make decisions in hindsight and when we’re not the ones at risk, can be debilitating and damaging.  Let’s stop doing this so much and try being the quarterbacks of our own lives… and doing so on Sundays, while the game is happening, not simply when it’s over.

Where do you find yourself being a Monday morning quarterback in your life? What are some things you can do to stop doing that and take your power back? Share your thoughts, actions, ideas, insights, and more here on my blog below.

[multiple]
[multiple]
[size]
[size]
[disabled]
[disabled]
[readonly]
[readonly]