Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

Mike Robbins

Life’s Easy… It’s Dealing With Ourselves That’s Hard

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When we make peace with ourselves, everything changes.

Over the years and the experiences I’ve had – particularly in my professional life – I’ve learned that writing, speaking, and coaching are relatively easy things for me to do. It’s dealing with myself that’s the hardest part.

I think this is true with most of the things we do in life – even the most challenging ones.  It’s usually our own fears, doubts, insecurities, attachments, and resistance that make things difficult, not so much the things themselves.

When We Make Peace With Ourselves, Life Flows With More Ease

Regardless of the specific circumstances we’re facing or tasks in front of us, when we make peace with ourselves and what’s going on, things tend to flow with more ease, joy, and grace.  When we’re not at peace with ourselves or life, it doesn’t matter how “good” or “bad” things may be circumstantially, we suffer.

So how do we make peace with ourselves and overcome our fears, doubts, and insecurities?

Making Peace with Ourselves

Here are three core lessons for how we can make peace with ourselves at a deeper level:

1. Have Compassion For Yourself

Self-compassion is one of the most important aspects of life and growth, but is often something we either overlook, think is “soft,” misunderstand, or simply don’t know how to practice.

There are three key elements to self-compassion:

  1. Mindfulness and awareness for how we’re treating ourselves.
  2. A sense of kindness and forgiveness towards ourselves
  3. A realization of our common humanity with others (i.e. remembering that we’re not alone in our experience).

In my life I’ve realized that when I’m able to be gentle and kind with myself and reduce my self-criticism, not only are things more fun, I’ve actually been able to achieve much more success.

2.  Surrender to Life as it Actually Is

Surrendering isn’t about giving up or giving in, it’s about making peace with what is (even if we don’t like it.)

A big paradox in life is that until we can be at peace with what’s actually happening in the moment (i.e. letting go of our resistance and of our obsessive focus on how things should be), we’re not able to make the changes we want or to experience the joy we desire.

Whenever we resist, judge, or fight against what is happening in our lives, we suffer.  However, when we’re able to allow things to be exactly as they are, it can be remarkable to see how easily things have flowed.

3.  Take Ownership 

Ownership is about taking full responsibility for our lives and for what shows up around us.  This can be tricky for a few reasons.

First of all, we live in a culture that loves to blame and make excuses, so we’re swimming in that ocean all the time.  Second of all, there are a lot of things that happen in and around us that we don’t have direct control over (other people, the economy, the weather, decisions, and many circumstances and situations – both personal and global).

However, we always have a choice about how we relate to what’s going on and how we interpret the things happening around us and even within us.  When we take ownership we let go of blaming and excuses (or we notice as soon as we can when we’re heading down that negative road.)  And, we make a commitment to ourselves that we’re going to create what we truly want – not simply react to life as if it is “happening to us.”

These are all fairly simple concepts, but like many things I write and speak about, understanding them is quite different than practicing and embodying them (i.e. they’re easier said than done.)

When we cultivate empathy and compassion for ourselves and embrace the realization that meaningful change begins with us, we gain a profound understanding that we hold the key to our own joy, pain, triumphs, and challenges.

It’s both sobering and liberating when we embrace the idea that we are the source of our own happiness or suffering.  When we get this and live this way, we release ourselves from a great deal of unnecessary stress and make ourselves available to show up for others and for life in an open, authentic, and empowered way.

Liked this article? Here are three more!

The Importance of Live Conversations in a Digital Age
There’s No Right Track
You Have More Than This Requires

This article was published in 2014 and updated for 2023.

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

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My friend and colleague, Dr. Robert Holden, poignantly says, “There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.”

Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual’s acceptance of all of their attributes, positive or negative.”

So much of our life and our work is focused on self-improvement.  And while there’s nothing wrong with us wanting to improve ourselves – too often we go about it erroneously thinking that if we achieve the improvement we’re after, we’ll then feel good about ourselves.

But it actually doesn’t work that way.

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

Self-improvement and self-acceptance are both vital in a balanced life. Self-acceptance promotes inner peace while self-improvement fuels progress. It’s important to find a harmonious balance between the two to lead to genuine self-empowerment.

This balance can be tricky. In today’s world – especially with everyone posting the highlight reels of their lives on social media – it’s easy to compare ourselves to others.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with self-improvement.  We turn on the TV, surf the web, look at magazines, browse through our feeds, take classes, read books, listen to others, and more – constantly getting various messages that if we just fixed or improved ourselves a bit, we’d be better off.  How often do you find yourself thinking some version of, “If I just lost a little weight, made a little more money, improved my health, had more inspiring work, lived in a nicer place, improved my relationships (or something else), then I’d be happy.” Even though I know better, this type of thinking shows up inside my own head more often than I’d like.

The paradox of self-improvement is that by accepting ourselves as we are, we give ourselves the space, permission, and opportunity to create an authentic sense of success and fulfillment.  When we insatiably focus on improving ourselves, thinking that it will ultimately lead us to a place of happiness, we’re almost always disappointed and we set up a stressful dynamic of constantly striving, but never quite getting there.

What if we gave ourselves permission to accept ourselves fully, right now?  While this is a simple concept, it’s one of the many things in life that’s easier said than done.

Why Do We Resist Self-Acceptance?

One of the biggest pieces of resistance we have regarding self-acceptance is that we erroneously think that by accepting ourselves, we may somehow be giving up.  It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Okay, I’ll accept myself, once all of my problems and issues go away.”

Another reason we resist accepting ourselves is the notion that somehow acceptance is resignation.  It’s not.  Acceptance is acceptance – it’s about allowing things to be as they are, even if we don’t like them.  As Byron Katie says (and I often quote), “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

The paradox of self-acceptance lies in the realization that embracing our true selves, including our current circumstances, qualities, and imperfections, opens the door to genuine personal growth and positive transformation.

By acknowledging who we are without judgment, we create an authentic space for change to occur naturally. However, when we become fixated on demanding changes solely to achieve happiness, self-esteem, or success, we often find ourselves frustrated and unfulfilled. True progress arises from a foundation of self-acceptance, where inner contentment allows us to organically pursue meaningful improvements, leading to a more genuine and satisfying journey of self-discovery.

If you take a moment right now to think about some of the most important changes you’re attempting to make in your life, ask yourself this question, “What would it look like, feel like, and be like for me to fully accept myself in these important areas?”

Often, our biggest obstacles to making meaningful changes, achieving success, and finding fulfillment, stem from self-criticism, the pursuit of perfection, and impatience. These self-imposed barriers hinder our progress and overshadow our potential for growth and accomplishment.

By learning to embrace self-compassion, accepting that perfection is not attainable, and practicing patience, we create a nurturing environment for personal development and genuine fulfillment. Letting go of harsh self-judgment allows us to focus on the journey rather than fixating on outcomes, enabling us to appreciate the incremental steps and learn from setbacks along the way. In doing so, we unlock the true potential within ourselves to thrive and prosper.

What if we changed our approach, and with as much love, compassion, and vulnerability as possible, just accepted ourselves exactly as we are, right now?

Liked this article? Here are three more:

There’s No Right Track
The Importance of Live Conversations in a Digital Age
You Have More Than This Requires

This article was published in 2013 and updated for 2023.

The Importance of Live Conversations in a Digital Age

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In today’s digital age, and in a post-COVID, hybrid working world, so many of us are communicating even more via text, social, Slack, and email.

Many of us are probably guilty of having a disagreement escalate communicating this way. Many people often engage in difficult or emotional conversations electronically because it seems easier, only to regret it later on.

I’ve had some conflicts with important people in my life get blown way out of proportion, mainly because I engaged electronically, instead of speaking to them live.

In almost every one of these situations, I can see that it was my fear of engaging directly, in real-time that escalated things.

Why Do We Fail to Understand the Importance of Live Conversations?

Why do we fear to connect live, even though most of us know better? Why do we choose to have certain important conversations electronically rather than in person?

Our Primary Mode of Communication

For most of us, our primary mode of communication is electronic (email, text, social, Slack, etc.) these days – both personally and professionally.

It Seems Easier

It can sometimes seem easier for us to be honest and direct in writing because we can say what is true for us without having to worry about the in-the-moment reaction of others.

Our Fear

Electronic communication takes way less courage than having a live, real conversation with another human being (on the phone, on video, or in person). When we talk to people live we have to deal with our fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, and our tendency to “sell out” on ourselves and not speak our full truth. Avoiding live conversations and choosing to put it in writing sometimes feels safer and can allow us to say things we might otherwise withhold.

It is much less likely for us to work through conflicts, align with one another, and build trust and connection when we avoid talking live to each other about important stuff.

Anything we’re willing to engage in electronically can usually be resolved much more quickly, effectively, and compassionately by having a live conversation, even if we’re scared to do so. The fear may be real, but most often the actual threat is not.

How to Practice Engaging in Live Conversations

Here are some things you can do to practice engaging in live conversations with people more often and, ultimately, more successfully.

Be clear about your intention

Before initiating an electronic communication, ask yourself, “What’s my intention?”

If you’re about to engage in something that is in any way emotionally charged, about a conflict, or important on an interpersonal level, check in to make sure you’re not simply sending the message to avoid dealing with it and the person(s) involved directly.

Be honest with yourself about how you feel, what you want, and why you’re about to engage in the specific type and form of communication you’re choosing.

Don’t send everything you write

Expressing ourselves freely and unfiltered through writing can serve as a very important exercise, especially when dealing with conflicts or issues.

Remember: we don’t have to send everything we write!

One great exercise to practice is saving an email or text in your drafts or notes and reading it again later (maybe after you’ve calmed down a bit or even the following day.)

Writing out our thoughts and emotions before sending them gives us a safe space to release and process our feelings privately, which can lead to clarity and help us consider different perspectives.

By organizing our thoughts we can communicate more effectively and reduce the chances of creating conflict. Taking time before sending can also help us approach situations with a calmer mindset, which can go a long way in preventing us from sending an impulsive message that we’ll later regret.

Request a call or live meeting

Before engaging in a long, emotional electronic exchange, it can often be best to simply request a specific time to talk about the situation live – in-person, on video, or via phone.

Face to face is always best if you can make it happen, but if that poses a big challenge or isn’t logistically, connecting on video or talking on the phone can also work well.

A great response can simply be, “Thanks for your note, this seems like something that would be better to discuss live than electronically, let’s set up a time to talk later today or this week.”

Speak your truth, without judgment or blame

When you do engage in the live conversation (in person or virtually), focus on being real, not right.

Speak your truth by using “I statements,” (I think, I feel, I notice, I want, etc.).

As soon as you move into blame or judgment, you cut off the possibility of any true resolution. Own your judgments and notice if you start to blame the other person(s) involved. If so, acknowledge it, apologize for it, and get back to speaking your truth in a real way.

Get support from others

Reaching out for support from people we trust and respect is a great way to deal with emotionally-charged issues. Try to get feedback from people who will be honest with you, and who aren’t too personally connected to the situation themselves.

Whether it is to bounce ideas off of, get specific coaching or feedback, or simply to help you process through your own fear, anger, or tendency to overreact, getting support from those around you in the process is essential. You don’t have to do it alone and you’re not the only ones who struggle with things like this.

Let’s Remember the Importance of Live Conversations

Living life, doing our work, and interacting with the other human beings around us can be wonderfully exciting and incredibly challenging, especially these days with all we’ve been through and the continued uncertainty that exists everywhere.

Conflicts are a natural part of life, relationships, and work. We can learn so much about ourselves and others through engaging in productive disagreements and important conversations.

The ultimate goal isn’t to live a conflict-free life; it’s to be able to engage with those around us in a way that is productive, healthy, kind, and effective. When we remember that live conversations, even if they can be scary at first, are always the best way to go, we can save ourselves from needless worry, stress and suffering – and in the process resolve our conflicts much more quickly, easily, and successfully.

Are there situations in your life that require live conversations where you have either been avoiding or communicating electronically – and they’re not getting resolved? What can you do to address these situations directly – and have live conversations with those people? Share your ideas, commitments, thoughts, dreams, and more here on my blog.

Liked this blog? Here are three more!

There’s No Right Track
You Have More Than This Requires
Live Like You’re Going to Die (Because You Are)

This article was originally published in 2011 and updated for 2023.

There’s No Right Track

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Do you think you’re on the right track?

Asking ourselves this question in itself can be a problem. The issue isn’t whether or not we’re on the ‘right’ track; it’s that we think there’s a ‘right’ track to begin with.

All too often I find myself striving for this insatiable “right track,” as if there’s some place I’m “supposed” to be and some outside authority who can validate it for me.

While there’s nothing wrong with us seeking guidance, feedback, and support from mentors, friends, family members, coaches, counselors, teachers, experts, and more – our deepest truth comes from within.

It seems to be less a matter of making sure we’re on the “right” track and more a matter of living in alignment with who we are and what’s most important to us.

Things to Consider When You Question Whether You’re On The Right Track

With all of the ideas, opinions, and influences around us (and in our own heads) living in authentic alignment isn’t always the easiest thing for us to do.  Here are a few things we can think about and practice to deepen our capacity for this.

1) Listen to your inner wisdom 

How many times in your life have you thought to yourself, “I should have listened to my intuition on this?”  Often in hindsight after we’ve made a mistake, had a lapse in judgment, or experienced something painful, we realize that at some level we already knew it would turn out that way, we just didn’t listen to our instincts.

Whether it shows up as a gut feeling, an intuitive sense, or just a thought, our inner wisdom is important.  By increasing our willingness to acknowledge and listen to this internal wisdom, we enhance our ability to lead authentic, truthful, and aligned lives.

2) Trust yourself 

It’s one thing to pay attention to our inner wisdom and a whole other thing to actually trust it.

Do you actually trust yourself at a deep level?

Many of us just don’t trust that it’s safe to trust, which then causes us to doubt ourselves.  So often we let our brain, our logic, or the feedback of others override our deeper knowing and gut instincts.

While it’s not always easy to do, trusting ourselves and our inner guidance is essential.  The more willing we are to listen and to trust the wisdom that comes from within, the less likely we are to give away our power to others and to the circumstances of our lives.

3) Be willing to change 

Change is a funny thing. Most of us seek and fear it simultaneously.  As much as I like to think of myself as someone who embraces change and is flexible, I often find myself more resistant and rigid than I’d like to admit.

One of the biggest things that can stop us from going for things, being bold, and making commitments in life is our fear of changing our minds.  Ironically, the more we embrace change the more authentically we’re able to commit and go for what we truly want.

Being willing to trust ourselves, while sometimes scary and vulnerable, is foundational to embracing change and creating the life we truly want.

We’re actually never on the right or wrong track – we’re simply on the track we’re on.

When we let go of our judgment about where we are and where we think we should be, we’re able to appreciate our lives, the people around us, and ourselves in a genuine way.

From this perspective, we can consciously choose to make changes with the intention of enhancing the quality of our lives.

How does this relate to where you are in your life right now?  Feel free to share your thoughts and insights in the comments below.

Liked this article? Here are three more!

You Have More Than This Requires

Live Like You’re Going to Die (Because You Are)

The Importance of Every Role and Person on the Team

This article was originally published in 2013 and updated for 2023.

Live Like You’re Going to Die (Because You Are)

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As much as we don’t like to think about it or talk about it, the fact is, we’re all going to die one day.

The reality of death is, of course, both obvious and daunting for most of us.  

I used to wonder what it’s like to know you’re going to die – but then I realized that we’re all going to die. We just don’t act like it. 

As simple as this thought is, it is extremely profound for me.  I don’t live my life all that consciously aware of my own death.  My own fears about death (mine and others) often force me to avoid thinking about it all together.  I do catch myself worrying about dying; sometimes more often than I’d like to admit, especially when I think about Michelle and our daughters, Samantha and Rosie.

I sometimes worry that it’s too weird, intense, or scary to talk about death or that it’s somehow a bad omen to do so.

We have a lot of strange notions about death in our culture. The concept itself can be intimidating and goes against so much of what we obsess about (youth, productivity, vitality, results, beauty, improvement, the future, etc.).

But what if we embraced death, talked about it more, and shared our own vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and questions about it?  

Why You Should Live Like You’re Going to Die

While for some of us this may seem uncomfortable, undesirable, or even scary – think how liberating it would be to face the reality of death. To live like you’re going to die. 

Contemplating death in a conscious way doesn’t have to freak us out.  Knowing that our human experience is limited and that at some mysterious point in the future our physical body will die, is both sobering and liberating.

I’ve always appreciated memorial services, even when I’ve been in deep pain and grief over the death of someone close to me. I enjoy them because there is a powerful consciousness which often surrounds death. 

When someone passes away we often feel increased permission to get real, be vulnerable, and to focus on what’s most important (not the ego-based fear, comparison, and self-criticism that often runs our lives).

What if we tapped into this empowering awareness all the time – not just because someone close to us dies or because we have our own near-death experience, but because we choose to affirm life and appreciate the blessing, gift, and opportunity that it is?

How to Live Like You’re Going to Die

Here are some things we can think about, focus on, and do on a regular basis that will allow us to live like we’re going to die, in a positive way:

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

As my late friend and mentor Richard Carlson reminded millions of us through his bestselling series of books with this great title, life is not an emergency. Most of the stuff we worry about, get upset about, and obsess about is not that big of a deal.  

If we lived as if we were dying, we probably wouldn’t let so many small things bother us.

Let Go of Grudges

One of my favorite sayings is, “holding a grudge is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die.”  

Everyone loses when we hold a grudge, especially us.  Consider this: if you were aware of your impending death, would you genuinely want to spend your precious time and energy holding onto anger and resentment towards those around you or people from your past (regardless of what they may have done)? 

Forgiveness is powerful – it’s not about condoning anything, it’s about liberation and freedom.

Focus on What Truly Matters

What truly matters to you?  Love? Family? Relationships? Service? Creativity? Spirituality? 

Our authentic contemplation of death can help us answer this important question in a poignant way.  If you found out you only had a limited time left to live, what would you stop doing right now?  What would you want to focus on instead?  

And while we all have certain responsibilities in life, asking ourselves what truly matters to us and challenging ourselves to focus on that, right now, is one of the most important things we can do.

Go For It

Fear of failure often stops us from going for what we truly want in life.  From a certain perspective (the ego-based, physical, material world) death can be seen as the ultimate “failure” and is often related to that way in our culture, even though people don’t usually talk about it in these blunt terms.  However, this perspective can actually liberate us.  

If we know we’re ultimately going to “fail” in life (in terms of living forever), what have we really got to lose by taking big risks?  We all know how things are going to turn out in the end.  As I heard in a workshop many years ago, “Most of us are trying to survive life; we have to remember that no one ever has.”

Seize the Day

Carpe diem, the Latin phrase for “seize the day,” is all about being right here, right now.  The more willing we are to surrender to the present moment, embrace it, and fully experience it – the more we can appreciate and enjoy life.  

As John Lennon famously said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”  

Embracing a mindset of living as if every moment were our last entails cherishing the present, expressing gratitude for its preciousness, and avoiding excessive preoccupation with the past or future. Imagine if today were your final day on Earth. How would you choose to embrace life?

Death can be difficult and scary for many of us to confront. There is a lot of fear, resistance, and taboo surrounding it in our culture and for many of us personally. 

However, when we acknowledge death as a natural and inevitable part of life, we are reminded that each person’s existence, regardless of its duration, is inherently brief, invaluable, and awe-inspiring. This realization has the power to profoundly and positively transform our thoughts, emotions, and relationships with ourselves, others, and the world. 

Embracing a mindset of living with the awareness of our mortality (and remembering that death is guaranteed) is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and the people who mean the most to us.

How can you start living your life more conscious of your own death, in a positive and empowering way?  What can you do right now to let go of what’s not important, focus on what truly matters, and seize the day? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

Liked this article? Here are three more!

Expand Your Capacity for Trust

The Importance of Every Role and Person on the Team

The Elephant in the Room

This article was published in 2011 and updated for 2023.