Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

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The Trap of Comparison with Others

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How often do you compare yourself to others? If you’re anything like me and most of the people I know and work with, you probably compare yourself to others more than you’d like to admit. 

And, as you may have noticed (like I have), this comparison process never seems to feel good or work well.

I got an email a while back from a woman who suggested that I check out the website of another author/speaker. She said he reminded her of me and thought we should know each other. 

I looked at his website and was very impressed. However, my Gremlin (that negative, critical voice in my head) started telling me how much better this guy was than me. “Look at him – he’s a stud: funny, good-looking, and super tech-savvy. His site is way cooler than yours, his approach is more hip, and he has this whole thing figured out much better than you do.”

After looking at his website and listening to my Gremlin, I felt jealous, inferior, and self-conscious.  

Can you relate to this?

Sadly, many of us waste lots of time and energy comparing ourselves to others. Often we feel inferior to people based on our own self-judgment and/or our perception that they are better than we are.

The trap of comparison is that we’re stuck in a negative loop if we feel less than someone else or even better than another person. It’s actually the opposite side of the same coin in either case.

All of this is an insatiable ego game that ultimately sets us up to lose. Comparison to others leads to jealousy, anxiety, judgment, criticism, separation, loneliness, etc.

It’s normal for us to compare ourselves to others – especially given how most of our parents raised us, the competitive culture in which we live, and the way we engage with the world today through social media. 

However, this comparison game can have severe consequences on our self-esteem, relationships, work, and overall life experience.

The irony is that almost everyone feels this way. We often erroneously think that if we just made more money, lost some weight, got a better job, moved into a nicer place, had more outward “success,” found the “perfect” partner, or whatever – then these insecure and unhealthy feelings of inferior/superior comparison would go away. Not true.

We can transform our comparison process into an experience of growth, connection, self-acceptance, and self-love – and ultimately let it go – by dealing with it directly and going to the source – us and how we relate to ourselves.

How to Stop Focusing on Comparison With Others

Here are some things you can do to unhook yourself from comparison with others.

1. Have empathy and compassion for yourself.  

When we notice we’re comparing ourselves to other people and feeling either inferior or superior, it’s essential to have a deep sense of compassion and empathy for ourselves. 

Comparison almost always comes from a place of insecurity and fear, not of deficiency or mal-intent. Judging ourselves as less than someone else or judging ourselves for going into comparison mode in the first place (which many of us do once we become aware of our tendency to do this) doesn’t help. This judgment causes more harm and keeps us stuck in the negative pattern.

2. Use comparison as an opportunity to accept, appreciate, and love yourself. 

When comparison shows up, there is usually a lack of acceptance, appreciation, and love for ourselves. 

Instead of feeling bad about what we think is wrong with us or critical of ourselves for being judgmental in the first place, what if we took this as a cue to take care of and nurture ourselves in an authentic way.

3. Be willing to admit your jealousy. 

One of the best ways to release something is to admit and own it. While this can be a little scary and vulnerable to do, when we have the courage to admit our jealousy, we can own it in a liberating way to both other people and us. Acknowledging that we feel jealous of another person’s success, talent, accomplishment, or quality is a great way to let go of it and remove the barrier we may feel with that person or experience.

If you find yourself jealous of someone you don’t know (like a celebrity or just someone you haven’t met personally), you can acknowledge these feelings to someone close to you or even in a meditation with an image of that actual person.

4. Acknowledge the people you compare yourself to.  

Another great way to break through the negative impact of comparison to others is to reach out to them with some genuine appreciation. 

After a few minutes of feeling bad about myself, I reached out to the guy whose website I looked at, acknowledged him for his excellent work, and asked if we could connect. It felt good and liberating to do that. 

The more excited we’re willing to get for other people’s success, talents, and experiences – the more likely we are to manifest positive feelings and outcomes in our lives. There is not a finite amount of success or fulfillment – and when we acknowledge people we compare ourselves to, we remind ourselves that there is more than enough to go around and that we’re capable of experiencing and manifesting wonderful things in our own lives too.

 

How often do you compare yourself to others? How does this impact your life, relationships, and sense of yourself? What can you do to let go of this habit and be more loving, accepting, and appreciative of yourself? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more in the comments below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

 

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The Challenge and Importance of Self-Care

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It is so important for us to take care of ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually…especially these days. 

Although we know this, it’s much easier said than done, isn’t it? 

If you had told me a few years ago that I’d be spending so much time at home over the past two years, not traveling or speaking—I would have thought that I would be able to take care of myself really well – exercising, resting, meditating, etc.

That wasn’t the case for me for the first year and a half or so of Covid. How about you?  Many people I know and work with have talked to me about challenges along these lines, particularly during the pandemic.

For me, it was and, at times, still is hard to get and stay motivated. It’s easy to get stuck in the monotony of things and also unhealthy patterns with respect to eating, sleeping, exercising—or lack thereof.

Whatever your current struggle may be with self-care, you’re not alone. It continues to be a challenging and stressful time for just about all of us. 

How can we take better care of ourselves? And how do we do so in a more kind and compassionate way?

I have five ideas for what we can do to enhance our self-care in a healthy and effective way right now.

The Importance of Self-Care

Many of us struggle with our approach to self-care. And while self-care is essential, it can be tricky for several reasons. 

Here are some things we can focus on and do to improve how we care for ourselves:

1. Awareness

Awareness is about being mindful and real about how we feel – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  This awareness can be easier said than done, but it is the first step to caring for ourselves in a successful way.

Being authentic with ourselves is essential to our well-being on every level, and this starts with awareness.

2. Compassion

Have compassion for yourself. We’ve been through a lot and we continue to navigate an incredibly challenging time. All that has happened has disrupted how we operate and care for ourselves. If you are struggling, remember, you’re not the only one. 

Sometimes it’s easier to have compassion for others than ourselves. Just remember…you’re not broken, flawed, or screwed up. You’re just human.

There are four steps we can follow when finding great compassion for ourselves and making positive changes:

  1. Recognize (the pattern, thought, or behavior)
  2. Acknowledge (what we’re feeling or doing and the impact it is having)
  3. Forgive ourselves
  4. Change

There’s nothing wrong with us if we’ve picked up some unhealthy habits over the past few years. Have compassion for yourself. And remember to always appreciate and love yourself.

3. Reach out for support

Having other people to talk to can be very helpful. People want to support us, and most of us are fortunate enough to have people in our lives who are there for us…especially if we’re willing to reach out and let them know we need support.

Have you ever noticed other people’s issues and challenges are way easier to address than our own? Even the most intense and complicated situations don’t seem nearly as complex when they are going on for other people…because we’re not emotionally attached to them in the same way we are with our own stuff.

The further away we are from the situation, the easier it is for us to have a healthy perspective on it. Many of our biggest issues are related to our own trauma or negative patterns. 

It can be hard to confront our challenges authentically and effectively—but that’s why therapy and coaching can be so valuable.  When a skilled person can help us look at our stuff from an outside perspective, they can often help us get out of our own way and move through things.

4. Take action

Take some thoughtful and intentional action, even if it’s small. You can journal, walk, meditate, stretch, or take a good old-fashioned break.

Don’t take action for the sake of action, but take intentional action. It might feel awkward at first, but taking action and getting into some kind of movement can make a big difference.

5. Accountability

A very practical and actionable way to overcome struggle or resistance is to have some kind of positive accountability. Accountability helps us move past blocks and stick to healthy habits, especially when they might be different or challenging.

Changing our behavior and trying new things can be scary—but having some accountability can help us take that first step…and then keep going.

Caring for ourselves is so important, particularly right now, and it can be really hard to do.  Let’s be real about it and kind as we look to make some positive shifts and changes with our self-care.

 

What can you do to take care of yourself right now in a compassionate and effective way?  Share your thoughts or questions below in the comments.

Being Bold : What Does it Mean to You?

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What does being bold mean to you? 

Bold people are daring and courageous—they’re not afraid to break the rules. They have their own identity and are willing to express it. 

Are you that type of person?

Do you consider yourself bold?

Some of us do, but most people I know and work with, myself included, admit that they don’t often think of themselves as bold.  

Even when some of us have moments of boldness, these moments can be scary and are often few/far between.

Why is this?

Because we sometimes don’t have the courage to be bold or we don’t find ourselves going for it in our work and our life—or not nearly as much as we’d like (especially during these difficult times).

Being bold is essential to living a fulfilling life

While scary and challenging for many of us, being bold is essential if we’re going to live an authentic, successful, and fulfilling life.  Boldness is about stepping up and stepping out onto our edge in life—pushing the limits of what we think is possible or even appropriate.  

It’s about living, speaking, and acting in ways that are both courageous and true to who we are.

Because we’re all unique, our individual versions of boldness will look quite different.  

Something that might be bold for me may not be so for you—or vice versa.  Going for it has to do with us getting in touch with our deepest truths, passions, and desires in life and then having the courage to live and act out loud in a way that is congruent with this.

5 Tips On How to Be Bold

Here are five key reminders of what it takes to be bold and go for it in life:

1. Be True to Yourself

A part of being bold includes having the ability to honor yourself, your emotions, and the things you believe in.

Tell and live your truth with courage, vulnerability, and commitment.  

Think about who you are and what is important to you. Don’t be afraid to admit when you’ve made a mistake, gone off course, or done something that’s out of integrity for yourself.

Remember that we all feel lost at times. Being true to who we are is about being ruthlessly honest and also forgiving ourselves (and others) fiercely and compassionately.

2. Live with Passion

Passion comes from within us, not from the external circumstances, events, activities, or people in our lives. 

Being bold is about going for it, not holding back, and giving ourselves fully to our work, relationships, and lives.  

To be bold, we must live with passion and be true to that passion. 

3. Step Out

Don’t be afraid to challenge yourself.

Say and do things that are outside of your comfort zone. Do things that scare you. 

When you start to challenge yourself, you force yourself to step out in life and to step more fully into who you really are. 

Sometimes when we try to step out of our comfort zone, we get scared. We don’t think we’re ready, we sometimes don’t know exactly what we’re supposed to do, and we rarely have a guarantee that things will work out.  So what. 

As Ray Bradbury famously said, “Jump and build your wings on the way down.”

4. Create a Dream Team

Never be afraid to ask for support and lean on others. Sometimes our support systems are what can help us get through challenging times.

Support, inspiration, and accountability from other people are essential along our journey of boldness and authenticity.  

You can’t do it all by yourself, which is why it is so important to understand when to reach out to others who believe in you, will tell you the truth, and can help you when you get stuck.  

Create a “dream team” of powerful and supportive people around you with whom you can share your hopes, dreams, and ideas.  Be willing to ask for and receive their support, contribution, and generosity.

5. When You Fall, Get Back Up 

We all fall – and that’s okay.

It’s essential to make peace with the fact that you will fall, probably a lot, especially if you’re going for it and playing big in life.  

How we respond to falling down is what truly makes the difference in our lives. How we get back up when we fall is how we become bold.

When we’re willing to get back up, dust ourselves off, be honest about how we feel, and not let it stop us from going for what we want – we tap into what true power, boldness, and authenticity are all about!

What are you willing to do in your life right now to step out and go for what you want boldly? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

 

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This article was published on February 17, 2011, and updated for 2021.

Your Feelings Matter

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Do you struggle with honoring and embracing your emotions? 

I know I do, as do many of us.

I also find it challenging to acknowledge that my feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s. While I don’t tend to hold back from sharing my feelings, opinions, and desires, I have learned from other people that I can talk too much in situations.

And what’s underneath all of this?

The deep fear that my feelings and desires aren’t as important as other people’s.

It has been humbling to come to this realization about myself. It has also made me understand how important it is to live my life knowing that what I feel is just as important as anyone else.

I used to think that honoring our feelings was selfish, self-absorbed, and even arrogant…it’s not.

All feelings matter. It is about being true to ourselves, honest with how we feel and what we want, and willing to engage in authentic conversations with other people, especially when we don’t feel or want the same things they do.

Why Do Some Of Us Doubt That Our Feelings Matter?

It’s hard for some of us to acknowledge that our feelings do, in fact, matter for several reasons.

We worry about what other people think about us. We fear that others will not like, approve, or understand us.

Some of us don’t value ourselves in an authentic enough way to understand that our feelings matter, too. Many of us believe that we don’t deserve certain things, making us uncomfortable feeling and expressing certain emotions.

In addition to this, we’re often taught to put other people’s needs and feelings above our own. We’re not taught healthy ways to honor our feelings, making us believe that our feelings don’t matter.

But they do.

Always Honor Yourself and How You Truly Feel

When we don’t honor ourselves, our feelings, and our beliefs, we:

  • Discount ourselves in a painful and damaging way
  • Create separation between other people and us
  • Don’t value ourselves
  • Struggle expressing ourselves
  • Believe that our feelings don’t matter

Five Ways to Embrace Your Feelings

Here are five tips on how to embrace, enhance, and honor your feelings.

1. Quit the Judging

Stop being so hard on yourself.  Self-judgment suppresses your true feelings, which has so many negative consequences on you and those around you.  Just be you and celebrate who you are.

2. Allow Yourself to Feel

All human emotions have value. Even the ones we consider “bad” can benefit us if we allow ourselves to feel them authentically. Allowing ourselves to feel these emotions can help us move through things in our lives that serve us and our relationships.

3. Be Real

Be true about what you want and get in touch with your true feelings. Be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself, and remember that you are enough.

4. Let Go

Many of us like to attach ourselves to our story.  Getting stuck in your story takes you out of the emotional experience, and puts you in the past, not the present. By simply feeling our emotions and moving through them, we can overcome almost anything.

5. Get Support

Most of us don’t get the emotional training that we need to feel and express our emotions in a healthy and productive way. When we have emotional support, we can move through the ups and downs of life much more effectively, and we remember that we don’t have to do it alone.  It is not only okay, but necessary, for us to ask for and receive help.

 

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

 

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This article was published on June 28, 2012, and updated for 2021.

Speaking Your Truth to Live a Life of Authenticity

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Do you find it easier to talk about speaking your truth than actually doing it?

Speaking up and speaking your truth is an essential aspect of living a life of passion, fulfillment, and authenticity. However, we struggle to find ways to speak our truth for many of us, myself included.

Not too long ago, I was talking to a friend who told me a poignant and powerful story about speaking his truth. He was in a grocery store and saw a woman cruelly yelling at her kids.

He explained that he walked over to the woman and asked her to treat her children with kindness and love.

Bold, right?

The woman responded by telling him to stick it up his “you-know-what,” grabbed her kids, and rushed out of the store.

My friend explained that he didn’t know if he did the wrong thing. He was scared, upset, and emotional. But, he also said, “Mike, when I walked away, I noticed something interesting. I wasn’t blaming anyone. However, since I spoke up,

I was at peace and not wasting any time or energy blaming anyone. I have no idea if what I said impacted that woman, but I don’t have to live with her. I have to live with myself.”

By Speaking Your Truth, You Open the Door to Freedom

What if we dared to speak up like that in all areas of life – our work, our relationships, our family, with people in public, and in general?

Imagine the freedom and power we would possess! It’s not at all about getting in people’s faces and challenging them, although sometimes it might take that form.

An important distinction to remember is the difference between our “opinions” and our “truth.”

We all have opinions – but remember: our opinions are not facts.

Our opinions are filled with righteous judgment and an arrogant sense that we’re “right,” and those who disagree with us are “wrong.”

But our “truth” runs much deeper than any of our opinions.

Truth is About How We Feel

Truth is not about being right. Truth is about how we feel and what is real for us. It’s about expressing what we think and feel in an authentic, vulnerable, and transparent way.

We are all entitled to our own opinions.

For example, I might have an opinion that you are rude. I might even have evidence of things you did in the past that were rude. My truth about this, though, might be that I worry you will hurt my feelings, or I don’t like some of the things you do, which make me feel unsafe and uncomfortable around you.

When we let go of being “right” about our opinions and take responsibility for our experience, we can speak our truth from a much deeper and more authentic place.

Speaking this deeper truth will not only liberate us, but it has the potential to make a difference for others and bring us closer together with them.

How Do We Enhance and Deepen Our Capacity to Speak Our Truth With Kindness, Love, and Authenticity?

There are lots of things we can do to accomplish this – here are three to think about.

Stop Managing Other People’s Feelings

When we try to manage other people’s emotions, we use it as a cop-out not to speak our truth.

When we let go of taking care of others in a condescending way, it frees us and them up to have adult conversations, which sometimes can get a little sticky or tense when we’re speaking our truth.

Be Real, Not Right

I wrote a whole article about this – click here to read it.

When we focus on winning or being right, we no longer can access the deepest places within our hearts, which is where our real truth comes from.

When we let go of our attachment to the outcome of a conversation, what the other person thinks, and our erroneous obsession with always having to be right, we allow ourselves to get real.

Being vulnerable and transparent are the key elements of speaking your truth and not dominating the conversation and the person we’re talking to.

Practice

Like anything and everything else in life, the best way to get better, deepen our capacity, and grow is to practice.

Will you mess it up? Of course! Will you say the wrong things sometimes? Yes! Will people get upset, offended, or defensive at times? Absolutely. It is not about being perfect. It is about being yourself and speaking authentically.

Have empathy and compassion with yourself as you practice – this is not easy for most of us.

Remember that each situation is always new and different.

Speaking your truth is not always going to be easy – but it will be worth it.

Speaking up can be incredibly scary and challenging for us. Even if your legs shake, your voice quivers, or your heart races (all of which usually happen when we get real and vulnerable) – take a deep breath, dig down for the courage you have within you, and be willing to speak your truth.

When we do this, we can watch our relationships and lives literally transform.

Where in your life are you not speaking your truth, and what are you willing to do about that? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

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How to Embrace Disappointment and Learn From it

It’s Okay to Do It Wrong

This article was published on September 15, 2009, and has been updated for 2021.

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