Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

gratitude

Celebrate the Great Fullness of Life

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With Thanksgiving upon us here in the United States, I’ve been thinking about the mixed feelings I often have about this great holiday. Of course, it can be a wonderful celebration of gratitude, appreciation, and family connection. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving also tends to be about feeling obligated to spend time with the people we’re “supposed” to, eating too much food and feeling guilty about it, and pretending to be grateful when we’re actually annoyed and stressed out.

What if we could make this Thanksgiving less stressful, more fun, and actually be able to enjoy ourselves, appreciate our family and friends (even the ones who drive us nuts), and focus on what we’re thankful for in a genuine way?

Regardless of the circumstances of our lives, there is always so much we can be thankful for.  As I talked about in my recent TEDx talk on “The Power of Appreciation,” we almost always find what we look for in others and in life – why not choose to celebrate the great fullness of life?

Here are some important tips to make this year’s Thanksgiving one you truly enjoy and remember (in a good way):

1) Be you

Instead of trying to be who you think you “should” be with your family, friends, in-laws, or guests – just relax and be yourself! So often we put undue pressure on ourselves to be a certain way, impress people (even those we know well), or do or say the things we think others want us to. When we let go of trying to please everyone and we’re able to be true to ourselves, we create a genuine sense of freedom and peace. This also means that we think about what would be fun for us and our immediate family to do for Thanksgiving and communicate this to everyone else (in-laws, extended family, etc.), even if it may upset or disappoint some of the people involved.

2) Look for the good

Make a commitment to focus on the things you like and appreciate about your friends and family members, instead of obsessing about the things that annoy or upset you about them. We almost always find what we look for in others and in situations. When we let go of past resentments, we’re able to see people with new eyes. As the saying goes, “holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Whatever we choose to do on Thanksgiving and whomever we choose to spend our holiday with, if we make a conscious decision to enjoy ourselves and to look for the good stuff in an authentic way, we dramatically increase our chances of having a positive and pleasurable experience.

3) Make it fun and easy

Do whatever you can for yourself and those around you to make the planning, food preparation, clean up, and the whole Thanksgiving experience as easy, fun, and stress-free as possible. This means we keep it light, share the responsibilities, ask others for help, and do the things that we enjoy doing – instead of burdening ourselves and feeling like a victim about it all. Too often we spend and waste our time and energy being uptight, doing things we don’t truly want to do, feeling resentful towards others, and creating a lot of unnecessary stress and frustration. Thanksgiving can be lots of fun, if we’re willing to go with the flow and make it easy on ourselves and for others.

4) Express your appreciation for others

One of best things we can do for other people (on Thanksgiving or at any time) is to let them know what we appreciate about them in a genuine way. Acknowledging others is a true “win-win,” as we always get to keep what we give away to others when we appreciate them (i.e. the good feelings are shared by us and those we acknowledge). There are many ways we can appreciate people on Thanksgiving:

  • Write “I’m thankful for you” cards and give them out on Thanksgiving (or mail them beforehand)
  • Pick someone at the dinner table to acknowledge, and then ask them to “pay it forward” and appreciate someone else in the group – go around until everyone has been appreciated
  • Pull people aside on Thanksgiving (or give them a call) and let them know what you appreciate about them specifically and genuinely

5) Count your blessings

Remember that in the midst of all the commotion, stress, and activity of the holiday season, Thanksgiving really is a time for us to reflect on what we’re grateful for – in life, about others, and especially about ourselves. Take some time on Thanksgiving to focus on what you’re grateful for, the many blessings in your life, and the things you appreciate about yourself. A great way for us to remember and to celebrate the many blessings in our life, especially on Thanksgiving, is to take some time during our meal and allow each person at the table to talk about what they’re grateful for in a genuine, specific, and personal way.

This year let’s challenge ourselves to make Thanksgiving more than just something we get through or even simply a nice holiday; let’s have it be a time of reflection, connection, and a celebration of the great fullness of life.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving this year? Are you willing to do what it takes to make it a fun, meaningful, and positive experience?  Share your ideas, commitments, thoughts, dreams, and more here on my blog.

Your Feelings Matter

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I sometimes find it challenging to honor my own feelings – especially if what I want or feel seems to be at odds with other people, or my emotions don’t seem to be “appropriate” to the situation.  While I’m not someone who tends to hold back sharing my honest opinions, desires, and feelings and, over the years, I’ve gotten quite a bit of feedback from people close to me about talking too much, dominating situations or conversations, and being selfish – underneath all of this is a deep fear that my feelings and desires aren’t as important as other people’s.

It has been humbling to come to this realization about myself recently.  However, it has also been incredibly liberating to see this pattern and to ask myself the question, “What would it be like to honor my real feelings and to live my life knowing that what I want and feel is just as important as anyone else?”

Honoring our feelings isn’t about being self absorbed, arrogant, or better than anyone – it’s really about being true to ourselves, honest with how we feel and what we want, and willing to engage in authentic conversations with other people – even, and especially, when we don’t feel or want the same things that they do.

So why can it be so challenging for us to honor our own feelings?  Some of the primary reasons for this are:

  • We worry that people won’t like or approve of us
  • We don’t value ourselves in an authentic way (i.e. we think we’re not good enough)
  • We’ve been taught to put other people’s needs, desires, and feelings ahead of our own
  • We’re not comfortable feeling and expressing certain emotions
  • We don’t think we “deserve” to have what we want (i.e. we think we’re not important enough)
  • We haven’t been taught healthy ways to honor our feelings
  • We worry that we’ll be seen as selfish

These and other things get in the way of truly honoring what we feel and what we want in life.  Sadly, by not honoring our feelings we both discount ourselves in a painful, and ultimately damaging way, and we create separation between us and other people, often the most important people in our lives.

Here are a few things you can do to enhance your capacity to honor your own feelings:

  • Be Real About How You Truly Feel – The first step of any process is always about being real, first and foremost with ourselves.  Even if we feel unclear or uncomfortable with a specific situation or certain set of emotions or desires, the more willing we are to be real about what we truly feel and want, the more ability we’ll have to honor ourselves and be authentic with others.  Making it a practice of getting in touch with our true feelings is essential.  A great way to do this is through journaling. It’s not about justifying how we feel to anyone else, it’s about being honest with ourselves.
  • Stop Judging Yourself – One of the biggest things that can get in our way in life, in general and specifically when it comes to feeling our feelings and expressing our desires, is self judgment.  We think to ourselves, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” or “If I share this, they will think I’m a terrible person.”  We use these self critical thoughts to suppress our true feelings, which can have significantly negative consequences on us and others. What if we just allowed ourselves to be real and to honor what’s true for us in the moment, without judging it?
  • Give Yourself Permission to Feel – Because of our self judgment, we sometimes don’t give ourselves permission to feel… especially certain emotions.  As human beings we tend to have a hierarchy of emotions – liking the “good” ones (love, joy, gratitude, peace, etc) and not liking the “bad” ones (anger, fear, hurt, powerlessness, etc).  However, at the deepest level, all human emotions have value and can benefit us if we’re willing to feel them in an authentic and healthy way.  Giving ourselves permission to feel what we’re feeling is critical to our ability to honor and move through our emotions in a way that serves us, our relationships, and our life.
  • Let Go of Your “Story” – Many of us, myself included, are attached to our “story.”  We love all of the drama and all of the details that make up the relationships, situations, and circumstances in our lives (both past and present).  While our life story, as well as the details of specific relationships and circumstances in our lives, is important at some level, too often we get caught in the story and all the drama, which actually takes us out of our emotional experience.  Where we have real power is in feeling our feelings, not talking about them, rationalizing them, or explaining them – but in simply feeling them.  Human emotions are not sustainable – especially if they are authentically felt.  It only takes about a minute or two to genuinely feel and move through an emotion.  However, when we attach an emotion to a story, we don’t allow ourselves to truly feel it and thus can keep it stuck in place.
  • Get Emotional Support – As important as our emotions are to our lives, our well being, and our relationships, sadly we don’t get a lot of emotional training in life (through school, at work, and in general) and we don’t often have built in, healthy emotional support mechanisms in our daily lives.  We live in a world that is primarily focused on action, results, and appearances – none of which has anything to do with our emotional experience (even though our emotional experience is not only one of the most important aspects of our lives, but is what drives much of what we do and produce in life).  There are, however, many ways we can find or enhance our emotional support.  Most of us have certain emotional support structures in our lives that we’ve set up for ourselves, consciously or unconsciously.  The key is for us to utilize these in a consistent and authentic way, as well as to make sure they are empowering us to honor ourselves and our emotional experience in life.

Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more.

It’s Okay for Things to Go Well

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How do you feel when things go well for you? If you’re anything like me you may have some mixed feelings about it, as odd as that seems.  While I do love it when things go well and when I’m feeling good, I also notice that sometimes it poses certain challenges for me as well.

For the past few months, things have been going quite well in my life and with my work.  And, more important, I’ve been feeling happier, more peaceful, more grounded, and more vital than I have in quite a long time.

All of these things are wonderful, yet I find myself feeling uneasy and uncomfortable with this at some level.  Even though I wrote a book called Focus on the Good Stuff and many of the themes that I speak about and write about center around being grateful, appreciative, and fulfilled in life – it can be a little tricky for me to fully embrace and experience my life when it’s going well.  Maybe you can relate to this?

What is this about? For me and those of us who may struggle with authentic “good stuff?”  For me, there are a few main things that come up and get in my way when things start to go really well.

First of all, I hear this voice in my head that says, “It’s too good to be true, it won’t last, or you’ll mess it up.”

Second of all, I worry that people won’t like me, will judge me, or will get jealous of my success or my happiness, and thus pull away from me or withhold their love, appreciation, and approval.  Connected to this feeling of separation, I also find myself worrying that if things go too well I won’t be able to relate to, connect with, or be accepted by some of the most important people and groups in my world.

Third of all, much of my learning, growth, and evolution in life has come through my own pain and suffering (i.e. “the hard way”).  Even though I’ve heard a number of teachers and mentors in my life say that we can grow more effectively and elegantly through joy, peace, and love – I find myself worrying that if things get too good, I’ll get lazy, stop actively learning, or somehow abandon my journey of personal growth, which is one of the most important things in my life.

Finally, I tend to feel guilty for my success, well being, or good fortune – especially given that so many people I know (and even more people in the world) are suffering, in pain, or dealing with both small and big challenges.  That same voice in my head says to me, “It’s not fair that things are going well for you, look at all those people who are having a hard time.”

These and other limiting thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs have gotten in my way in the past, kept me stuck in struggle, and at the very least have limited my experience of joy and fulfillment.  It’s almost as if I’ve been more comfortable suffering than I have been when things are thriving.  When there are issues, dramas, challenges, pains, and other difficulties to deal with, address, heal, and overcome – I’m able to dig down deep, access my power, and rise up to meet them.  I’m ready to breakthrough this and alter it in a fundamental and profound way.  How about you?

Your version of this may look a little different than mine, but lots of people I know and work with, even those who have created a lot of outward “success” in their lives, seem to struggle to one degree or another allowing things to go really well in their lives and doing so with real peace, gratitude, and joy.

What if we did allow things to go well and did so more graciously, intentionally, and consciously.  My commitment to myself right now as I’m experiencing a period of expanded success, well being, and joy is to both appreciate it fully and allow it to expand and sustain at the same time.  Of course life has its inevitably ups and downs, ebbs and flows, and expansions and contractions – but, what if we stopped sabotaging ourselves, our success, and our fulfillment just as we began to experience it or because it got too good for us to handle?

Here are some things to focus on, think about, and practice to expand your capacity for things going well in your life:

  • Remember that it’s okay to shine. My dear friend and fellow author Lissa Rankin just wrote a beautiful blog post called “Is it safe to shine your light?” in which she talks about this exact phenomenon in a powerful way.  The more permission we give to ourselves (and those around us) to shine our “light,” the more we realize that it’s safe.  As Marianne Williamson says in her famous quote from her book A Return to Love, “…there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”
  • Remind yourself that life’s not a competition.  This is a big one for me – as a former pro ball player and given the nature of my personality (I’m a 3 on the enneagram), I have a tendency to look at everything in life as a competition, even though it rarely is.  Competition is about our negative ego (thinking we are either “better than” or “less than”).  When we remember that life is not a competition, we can focus on our own unique experience and do so in a way that is real, not simply in reference to those around us – positively or negatively.
  • Take care of yourself. I’ve heard it said so many times that “happiness is an inside” job, which is true.  Oftentimes things become cliche because they are overused, but they are overused because of their universal truth.  The better job we do at taking care of ourselves and remembering that our fulfillment in life is much more about how we feel about and relate to ourselves, than it is about what others think of us or what results we produce in the world, the more likely we are to experience a true sense of joy and success.

There are a lot of things going on in the world, around us, and in our personal lives – these days and always.  Whether we’re dealing with circumstances right now that seem very challenging to us, ones that seem somewhat benign, or ones that seem overtly positive – giving ourselves permission to allow things to go well (and also to enjoy and appreciate when they do), is actually a bold and beautiful step we can take to not only enhance the quality and experience of our own lives, but that of everyone else we come into contact with as well.

How do you feel about things going well in your life?  What can you do to remind yourself and others that it’s okay for things to go well and for you to be happy? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

The Benefits of Tears

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Something extraordinary happened at Candlestick Park in San Francisco two Saturdays ago, January 14th.  Sure it was an amazing ending to an NFL playoff game between the San Francisco 49ers and the New Orleans Saints (which the Niners won in dramatic fashion, making all of us fans here in the Bay Area very happy); but the monumental win wasn’t was made it so remarkable to me.

As Vernon Davis, the tight end for the Niners who caught the game-winning touchdown, came running off the field, tears were streaming down his face.  He came to the sidelines and was embraced by his head coach, Jim Harbaugh, in a huge bear hug.  Coach Harbaugh hugged him for quite a while and spoke into his ear in what I can only imagine was an expression of authentic appreciation and celebration.  It was a beautiful and moving moment that transcended football and even sports – it was about courageous triumph, raw human emotion, and vulnerable self expression. (Click here to see the video).

Of course, I loved it – not just because I’m a huge sports fan and like to see my hometown teams win (especially after many years of not winning, in the Niners’ case), but because it highlighted something very important…the power of tears!  I also loved it because you don’t usually see a big, strong football player like Vernon Davis break down and cry in the arms of his coach in front of 70,000 fans in the stadium and millions of people watching on TV.  But he did, and it was a powerful scene and an important reminder of what it means to be human.

One of the many things tears can do is remind us of our humanness, our vulnerability, our connection to one another, and to things much bigger than the specific circumstances we are facing.  We cry for different reasons and based on different emotions.  Sometimes we shed tears of pain, sorrow, loss, sadness, anger, frustration, or grief.  Other times, tears show up because of love, joy, inspiration, hope, or kindness.  Regardless of the underlying emotions and even when the reason for our tears is painful, crying often makes us feel better and is one of the most authentic expressions of emotion we experience as human beings.  Current research shows that 88.8% of people feel better after crying, with only 8.4% feeling worse.

However, many of us have a great deal of fear, resistance, and judgment about tears – both ours and those of other people.  While this tends to vary based on our age, culture, gender, and the environment in which we find ourselves, I’m amazed at how often crying is seen in such a negative way in our culture, even today.

I’m someone who loves to cry myself, although as a man I was trained early in my life, like most of the men I know, that “boys don’t cry.”  Based on this and a variety of other factors, I sometimes find it challenging to access and express my own tears.  Although when they do show up and I let them flow, they often flow passionately (I scared the guy sitting next to me on an airplane a few months ago when I was sobbing intensely while watching the wonderful movie The Help).

As I look back at some of the most important, pivotal, and transformational moments of my life, both ones I considered to be “good” and ones I considered to be “bad” at the time, tears were a part of just about all of those experiences.

How do you feel about shedding tears yourself?  Is it easy for you to cry?  Is it hard?  Are you comfortable crying in front of others?  Do you judge yourself or others for doing so?  I think it’s interesting and important for us to ask ourselves these questions and notice our relationship to tears.

While I’m not advocating that we go around crying all the time just for the sake of it.  Excessive crying can sometimes point to a more serious underlying emotional issue and/or can be done as a way to manipulate others.  I’m not talking about that either.  I’m talking about our ability to express our emotions in a real and vulnerable way, some of the time resulting in the shedding of our tears.  What if we embraced crying a bit more and let go of our negative connotations about doing so?  As Charles Dickens beautifully said, “We need never be ashamed of our tears.”

Even though we may resist, fear, and avoid crying – at work, with friends or family, with members of the opposite sex, with our children, or with anyone else, we worry it wouldn’t be “appropriate” to cry in front of, there are some real positive benefits to shedding tears.  Such as:

  • Crying is good for our physical and emotional health – Medical research now suggests that tears could actually be a way of flushing negative chemicals out of the body and doing us a world of good physically. In addition to removing toxic substances from our body, crying can also have the psychological benefit of lifting our mood and helping us to deal with painful situations.
  • Shedding tears reduces stress – Crying is thought to help reduce stress, which can have a damaging effect on our health and has been linked to a number of health problems including heart disease, high blood pressure, type-2 diabetes and obesity. According to a study by Dr. William H. Frey II, a biochemist at the St Paul-Ramsey Medical Center in Minnesota, crying can help to wash chemicals linked to stress out of our body, one of the reasons we feel much better after a good cry.
  • When we cry we open up, let down our guard, and connect with others in a more real and vulnerable way – Many times in my own personal life and with many of the clients I’ve worked with over the years (both individuals and groups), I’ve seen tears dramatically shift a person’s perspective, change the dynamic of an argument, and bring people together in a genuine way. Tears have a way of breaking down emotional walls and mental barriers we put up within ourselves and towards others. Crying tends to be some kind of human equalizer, because no matter the circumstance, situation, or stress we may face, our tears have a way of shifting and altering things in a beautiful, vulnerable, and humbling way.

There’s nothing wrong with our tears, even if we get a little embarrassed, uncomfortable, or even pained when they show up. As we allow them to flow through us, we not only release toxins from our body, stress from our system, and thoughts from our mind – we tap into one of the most basic and unifying experiences of being human. Crying is powerful and important – let’s have the courage to do it with pride and support each other in the healthy expression of our tears.

How often or easily are you moved to tears?  How do you feel about crying?  What can you do to empower your relationship with the tears of others and yourself? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

New Year, Be You

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With the New Year still in its first few weeks, the annual “new year, new you” phenomenon is all around us – in the worlds of advertising, media, self-help and more. And while this time of year can be a great catalyst for positive change in our lives, what if we made a commitment to live our lives in 2011 focused on who we are, and not so much on what we do, what we accomplish, what we look like, what we’re striving for, and more? One of best things we can do in this New Year is to focus on who we really are, instead of who we think we’re supposed to be.

Who would we be without our accomplishments (or failures), our degrees (or lack thereof), our bank accounts, our experiences, our title, our home, our status, and more? As simple of a concept as this is for us to think about and discuss, at least on the surface, it’s actually quite difficult for many of us, myself included, to genuinely separate who we are from what we do (or have done or not done). These past two years have taught many of us, in some cases quite painfully, how quickly the external circumstances of our lives can change dramatically and things can be taken away.

The deeper question for us to ponder here is really one of the big philosophical questions of life, “What makes me a valuable person?” While this is something we have all thought about to some degree, most of us don’t really engage in this inquiry on a regular basis. And, when we do, we often think that if we just got more done, lost some weight, made more money, took a vacation, accomplished a goal, had more meaningful work, made it to retirement, or whatever, then we’d be “happier” or feel more “valuable.” Sadly, as we’ve all experienced, this is not usually the case and is also one of the main reasons why most of our New Year’s “resolutions” don’t really last.

What if, in addition to having important goals, we could also expand our capacity for appreciating ourselves and being who we really are this year – having nothing to do with our external circumstances? What if just being ourselves, the way we are right now, is good enough?

Being ourselves fully, takes courage, commitment, and faith. It’s a process of letting go of many false beliefs we’ve picked up from the collective consciousness – that we have to look good, be smart, know the right people, say the right things, have the proper experience, make a certain amount of money, and more, in order to be happy and successful in life. Being ourselves can be scary and counter intuitive, difficult and even off-putting, and, at times, lonely.

However, being our authentic self is liberating, exciting, and fulfilling. When we have the courage to just be who we are, without apology or pretence, so much of our suffering, stress, and worry in life simply goes away.

Here are a few things to consider and practice as you deepen your awareness of and capacity for being who you truly are in this New Year:

  • Tell the truth to yourself. Think about and own how much of your self-worth is based on what you do, how you look, who you know, what you’ve accomplished, etc. (i.e. the external stuff). The more we let go of being defined by the external, the more freedom, peace, and power we can experience. And, as we really get honest with ourselves, we may realize that outside of these external things, we don’t really know who we are. As scary as this may seem on the surface, it’s actually great news and can give us access to a deeper and more meaningful experience of who we are.
  • Appreciate who you really are. What do you appreciate about yourself that has nothing to do with anything external? In other words, what personal qualities (of being, not doing) do you value about yourself? The more we’re able to tap into what we appreciate about who we are (not what we do), the more capacity we have for real confidence, peace, and self love.
  • Practice just being you. As silly as it may sound, we all need to “practice” being ourselves. We have a great deal of experience being phony or being how we think we’re supposed to be. It actually takes conscious practice for us to be able to just show up and be who we are. We can practice alone, with people we know, and with total strangers. This is all about awareness – paying attention to how we feel, what we’re thinking, what we say, and how we show up. It’s not about getting it right or doing anything specific, it’s about letting go of our erroneous notions of how we think we’re supposed to be, and just allowing ourselves to be who and how we are in the moment.

Have fun with this, talk to others about it, and have a lot of compassion with yourself as you practice – this is big stuff for most of us. This year, instead of trying to be a “new” you, just be yourself and see what happens.

How can you accept, appreciate, and simply BE yourself in 2012? What does this mean to you? What support do you need in your life this year to step more fully into who you really are? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.