Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

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The Elephant in the Room

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Have you ever noticed how easy it is to avoid the “elephant in the room” because it can be uncomfortable to talk about?

In fact, we often don’t even acknowledge it for a variety of reasons.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been fascinated with the things that people don’t say or are afraid to address or discuss. This is not to say that I have always been (or even now always am) someone who acknowledges the elephant in the room myself. Like many people, I get scared to bring things up sometimes. 

However, when the elephant is acknowledged directly, by me or someone else, even if it’s a little awkward at first, it often creates a sense of truth, liberation, and authenticity for everyone involved.

Why Do We Avoid Talking About the Elephant in the Room?

There are a lot of reasons why we don’t like to talk about the elephant in the room. We may worry about offending someone, creating a conflict, looking bad, putting ourselves in a compromised position, upsetting others, or simply saying something we regret.  The primary reason we avoid talking about things like this is fear.

Why do we get so scared to talk about the elephant in the room? 

We worry that people will get angry, that it will be too uncomfortable to deal with, or that somehow it will make things worse, not better. Underneath most of these and other concerns is a bigger and more selfish concern – we usually worry that people will get mad at us or not like us if we bring up something that seems inappropriate or controversial.

However, having real freedom and operating with authenticity is sometimes about doing and saying things that are uncomfortable – i.e. talking about the elephant in the room. And, being a leader, building trust with others, and having a strong team are all predicated on our ability to be authentic.

Remember: our regrets usually have more to do with the things we don’t say and do, not the other way around.

How to Expand Your Capacity to Speak the Truth

A powerful technique we can use to expand our capacity to speak up and talk about the elephant in the room in a more effective and genuine way is one called “clearing withholds.” 

This technique, which my wife Michelle and I originally learned from a coach many years ago, is one that I detail in my book Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken. I have used this technique in workshops, meetings, and coaching sessions, and have referenced it in speaking engagements.

A “withhold” is something you’ve been holding onto with another person (or group) that you haven’t shared with them – hurt, resentment, fear, an apology, opinion, an acknowledgement, an idea, or anything else (i.e. an “elephant”). 

Creating the time and space to communicate these withholds is an incredibly powerful and liberating thing to do, even though it can be scary. 

You can do this with your spouse, friends, family members, co-workers, or anyone else. One person goes first and says to the other person (or to one specific person if you’re doing this in a group), “There’s something I’ve withheld from you.” The other person responds by saying, “Okay, would you like to tell me?” Then the first person expresses their withhold as honestly, vulnerably, and responsibly as possible (i.e. using “I” statements, owning their feelings, etc.). The other person’s job is to listen with as much openness as possible, not to react, and to just say “thank you” when the person speaking is done.

It’s best to do this back and forth until both people (or everyone in the group) have shared all of their withholds. When you’re done, one or both of you may want to talk about some of the things that were said, but that isn’t always necessary. If you do have a follow-up discussion it’s not about defending yourself or debating, it’s about making sure you heard what they said clearly and understood it.  

This whole exercise is about being able to share how you’re feeling and what you’ve been withholding as a way to release it, thus building greater connection with others. 

When we practice this technique (or some variation of it) and we encourage ourselves and those around us to proactively talk about the various elephants that may be in the room, we create an environment of openness, trust, and authenticity.

Relationships and teams of all kinds can benefit greatly from addressing the elephant in the room directly and courageously. By openly discussing hard things, we enhance our communication and connection, and we often find new and creative solutions, without wasting so much energy in avoidance mode.  Although this can be uncomfortable at first, it is such an important thing for us to do.

Think about the important relationships, situations, and groups in your life. What elephants have you been avoiding? What would you say if you weren’t worried about what people would think or how they would react? See if you can challenge yourself today and this week to acknowledge some of those elephants…and see what happens!

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This article was originally published in July 20009 and updated for 2023.

 

Why is This Happening FOR Me?

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Do you ever ask yourself the question, “Why is this happening to me?”  Most of us do, especially when things aren’t going the way we want them to or we’re dealing with something that’s difficult or painful.

Why is This Happening FOR Me?

A number of years ago when I was going through a really hard time my friend Brian said, “If you change the word ‘to’ to the word ‘for’ in that question, it can change your life.”  

When Brian said this, it really resonated with me. I never forgot it.

So, instead of asking ourselves, “Why is this happening TO me?” we can instead ask, “Why is this happening FOR me?”  

There’s a world of difference in these two questions.  The first one leads us down a path of victimhood, martyrdom, or feeling as though there’s something wrong with us.  The second one takes us in a direction of deeper growth, awareness, and responsibility.

Victimhood vs. Responsibility

Sadly, it often seems easier and is definitely more encouraged by the world around us to choose “Door #1” (victimhood), than it is to choose “Door #2” (growth and responsibility).

Why is this?  We live in a culture that celebrates and reinforces victimhood.  And while there are clearly people in our world who are genuinely victimized, the majority of the time that you and I act, talk, and feel like “victims,” we’re not – it’s just a habitual way of thinking and being that we’re used to.

Most of us learned how to be victims at a very young age and had (and continue to have) lots of examples around us. In fact, victimhood is something we often used as a survival technique as children and adolescents. Although it doesn’t really feel good – feeling sorry for ourselves is actually a way to distance ourselves from deep and painful emotions, like sadness, hurt, loneliness, fear, anger, and despair. Because we don’t have the emotional capacity as kids or teens to fully experience, express, or embrace our emotions in a healing and liberating way, we turn to victimhood and it helps us survive.

In our lives as adults, however, playing the victim not only acts as a smokescreen (keeping us from taking responsibility and feeling our real emotions), it also causes a great deal of harm in relationships, at work, with our health, and much more.

Asking yourself why something is happening for you instead of to you doesn’t mean we have to like what’s happening, necessarily.  It also isn’t about blaming ourselves. This is about consciously choosing to look for the gold, see the lesson, and take a growth mindset approach to the circumstances and situations that show up in our lives.

While feeling like a victim is normal and common for us as human beings, it never leads us to greater awareness, joy, or happiness.  The more willing we are to take responsibility for what shows up in our lives and to look for what we can learn from all that we experience, the more likely we are to heal, change, and transform in the positive way that we truly want.

Expand Your Capacity for Growth and Learning

Here are a few things you can think about and do to let go of victimhood and expand your capacity for growth and learning:

1) Notice when and where you feel like a victim.

Pick a specific area of your life, or a specific situation or relationship, where you currently feel that it’s not fair, or it shouldn’t be this way, or you find yourself asking, why is this happening to me?  While you may have more than one area or example of this in your life right now, it works best to focus on one area at a time.  Notice what you think and say about this situation – to yourself and others.  Most important, tap into how you’re truly feeling about it.  Remember, victimhood is always a smokescreen – keeping us away from our authentic and vulnerable feelings.  When we’re able to acknowledge and ultimately experience and express how we truly feel, things can start to shift.

2) Ask yourself the question, “Why is this happening FOR me?” 

Related to this specific situation, asking yourself why it is happening for you is something that can put you in a different and healthier inquiry about what’s really going on.  Again, you don’t have to like what’s happening, but you can appreciate it (which means recognize the value of it).  What are you learning?  What is it forcing you to deal with, let go of, heal, or confront in your life?   Another good question to ask yourself along these same lines is, What good is here that I’m currently not seeing?  The more willing you are to look deeply at and learn from this situation, and the less energy you put into being at the mercy of it, the more power you’ll have in dealing with it and growing in the process.

3) Talk to others authentically.

While we often commiserate with other people, it’s a better idea to share how we authentically feel (in a vulnerable way) and to engage in an inquiry with people we trust about why this situation may be happening for us.  Others are often able to see and hear things we don’t. Leaning on the people in our life, talking to them in a real way, and asking for their support and feedback can help us move through the difficulty, find the gold, and deepen your learning – especially when we’re dealing with something challenging or painful. The less we share our issues with others looking for them to agree with our story of woe, and the more we share what we’re going through with a desire for support and empowerment; the more likely we are to heal, grow, and evolve.

Letting go of victimhood is not the easiest thing for us to do – most of us have years and years of experience.  However, with compassion, consciousness, and a willingness to ask ourselves why things are happening for us (and not to us), we can liberate ourselves from victimhood in a beautiful and powerful way.

Where in your life do you feel like a victim?  How can shifting your perspective make a difference? What can you learn from any of the current challenges you’re facing?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

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This article was originally published in October2010 and updated for 2023.

Be, Do, Have

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I learned about the powerful concept of Be, Do, Have several years ago.

Most of us think we need to have a certain things (more money, love, time, experience, etc.), so that we can finally do what we truly want to do (go for a promotion, pursue our passion, start a business, go on vacation, create a relationship, buy a home, etc.), in order to be what we truly want to be (peaceful, successful, fulfilled, inspired, generous, in love, etc.). In actuality, it works the other way around.

When we focus on being what we want (joyful, confident, abundant, accomplished, and more), we can start doing things from this powerful state of being – and soon we discover that what we’re doing winds up bringing us the things we’ve always wanted to have.

Whether or not this concept is new to you and even if on the surface it may seem either counter-intuitive or confusing (or both), it’s actually life-altering when we really get it and practice it in our lives.  

I have personally experienced the profound impact of living in alignment with this Be, Do, Have paradigm – although sometimes I forget, don’t trust it, or simply assume it can’t really work like this.

Over the past few years while dealing with lots of challenges and uncertainty, I’ve seen myself fall into a familiar, but unhealthy pattern.  Sometimes when I get stressed or anxious, I go unconscious, hunker down, and try to grind things out – assuming that if I just work harder, make things happen, and get on top of my long to-do list, everything will work out.  This usually doesn’t work so well, and it can be exhausting.

In addition, in the midst of my hustling and fear, the cynic in me comes out and says, “All of this psychobabble is meaningless – it’s really all about discipline, focus, and luck.”  

Maybe you relate to this?

Well, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being cynical and resigned (two states of being I’m not a huge fan of but seem to have quite a bit of experience with), doesn’t usually help us manifest our dreams or live in a state of fulfillment, gratitude, or peace.

Making our most important goals happen is supposed to be hard, painful, and dramatic, right?  Well, maybe it doesn’t have to be.

Living in alignment with the principle of Be, Do, Have

What if we were able to live in alignment with this powerful principle of Be, Do, Have more of the time?  What if we remembered that we have the capacity to experience any state of being at any time – not just when things work out perfectly or we achieve exactly what we’re after.  

There’s nothing wrong with us pursuing our dreams with passion.  However, when we erroneously think that the accomplishment of any particular goal will give us what we truly want to have in life, we delude ourselves and set ourselves up for failure, disappointment, and pain.

Remembering to focus on how we truly want to be creates the context for how we think, feel, and act (some of the key raw materials for how we ultimately create our reality) which gives us access to what we’re really after.  

We don’t have to suffer and struggle as much as we do, we actually have the capacity to live our life with a true sense of elegance (the deeper meaning of this word is not about the appearance of something but is about being able to put forth a small amount of focused effort, and manifest an abundant result).

How to remember and practice being who we want to be

Here are a few things we can do to practice being who and how we want to be in life.

1. Think of one of your biggest goals right now. 

What is it that you think the accomplishment of this goal will bring you (i.e. fulfillment, joy, abundance, peace, success, freedom, etc.)

2. Start embodying the state of being that you assume will come from the accomplishment of this goal now.  

For example, you may start being joyful.  It’s not about “faking it,” it’s about authentically embodying the desired state of being you truly want in your life.

3. From this state of being, think and talk about the kinds of specific actions you might want to take.  

Allow yourself to sit with this for a while, don’t be in too much of a hurry.  If you really give yourself permission to come from this empowered state of being, the actions will start to show up with ease and your ability to both take them and allow them to work will increase exponentially.

4. Have fun with this, get support, and know that you will probably trip and fall along the way.  

As we’ve all heard many times, but it is important to reiterate here, we are human beings, not human doings.  When we remember this, our life can really take off in a profound and fulfilling way.

 

Feel free to leave a comment, question, or response to this post in the comments section.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.   

 

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This article was originally published in October 2009 and updated for 2023.

 

Love Yourself, and the Rest Will Follow

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How do you feel about self-love?  

More importantly, how well do you love yourself?  

For most of us, loving ourselves is something we may know is important, but often have difficulty actually feeling, expressing, and embodying.

I’ve spent much of my life – as a student, an athlete, in business, in relationships, and in general – struggling with worthiness and perfectionism. Most people I know and work with have some version of “I’m not good enough” that negatively impacts their life, their work, and their relationships.

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day and think about the important people in our lives whom we love (or the fact that we wish we had more love in our lives), much of our focus tends to be outward and not inward.

Love Yourself, and the Rest Will Follow

Self-love is what we’re often searching for – in our work, our relationships, and our lives. Sadly, we spend most of our time thinking that someone or something else can give us what only we can give ourselves. 

To be truly fulfilled, we have to find the love within us and give it to ourselves. 

No other person, material possession, or accomplishment can do it. It’s up to us.

One of the best gifts we can give to the people around us is to love ourselves in a genuine way. As my mom used to say to me when I was young, “You can’t love anyone else, until you love yourself.”  She was right, but this is often much easier said than done.

How to Deepen Your Capacity for Loving Yourself

Here are a few things to think about and practice as you deepen your capacity for loving yourself:

1) Notice your relationship to self love

How do you feel about self-love and self-care? How comfortable are you with these important things and what resistance do you have to loving and caring for yourself? 

Being honest about your own relationship to self-love is the first step in altering it. Many of us have not been encouraged or taught to love ourselves. We have also not seen many healthy models of self-love around us. 

We’re often much better at being hard on ourselves than we are at being kind and loving towards ourselves. Based on these and other factors, self-love can be a bit tricky. Once we tell the truth about how we relate to self-love, we can start to expand our ability to love ourselves in a more real way.

2) Let go of your conditions. 

When it comes to loving ourselves, if we even put much attention on it, we often do so in a very conditional way. We love ourselves only when we do “good” things, “succeed” in specific ways, or take care of ourselves in ways we deem important.  

While there’s nothing wrong with us feeling good about ourselves in relation to these and other positive things, truly loving ourselves is an unconditional process – which means accepting, appreciating, and celebrating all of who we are, both light and dark. 

By letting go of our conditions and loving ourselves unconditionally, – like the way we often love babies, animals, or others we have little or no specific expectations of – we can start to deepen our authentic love for ourselves.

3) Start practicing, right now.

Do anything and everything you can to express love for yourself – right now, not after you think you “deserve” it. 

Since most of us have some resistance to loving ourselves, taking any and every self-loving action we can think of is important. 

There are lots of things we can do – both big and small – to practice loving ourselves. Speaking kindly about ourselves, taking compliments graciously, taking care of ourselves, honoring and embracing our emotions, pampering ourselves, celebrating our successes (and failures), appreciating and loving our “flaws,” and much more are all simple (although not always easy) things we can do to practice self-love. 

Also, be willing to ask for help and look to others who seem to do a good job with self-love and self-care, so you can get the support and guidance that you need. Loving ourselves is a life-long, never ending practice.

Self love is the starting point, not the end game, of our conscious growth and development.  

For most of us, myself included, it’s much easier to talk about loving ourselves than it is to actually practice it. However, when we put our attention on loving ourselves in an authentic way, everything in our lives that is important to us – our work, our relationships, our goals, our health, our team, our family, our community, and more – flows from there with a greater sense of ease, joy, and, most importantly, love.

What do you love about yourself? How can you expand your capacity for self-love in a way that will positively impact you, those around you, and your entire life? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.   

 

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This article was originally published in February 2010 and updated for 2023.

The Art of Allowing

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A few years ago, I got some specific feedback that it would serve me, my work, and my growth to start practicing the art of allowing in a more conscious and deliberate way. 

While I was familiar with the concept of allowing, I realized I had little awareness or experience of it in actual practice.

As I looked more deeply at it, I realized that I had a judgment about the whole concept of “allowing.” It had always seemed weak, passive, lazy, or based on “luck” to me. I’ve always prided myself on being a hard worker and someone who makes things happen. 

However, as I’ve come to realize, much of my intense work ethic has to do with a deep-seated fear that if I ever slow down, stop pushing so hard, or simply expect things to just show up with ease, the whole house of cards of my life and my work might simply come crashing down around me. 

Can you relate?

The Power of Acceptance

The art of allowing is an essential aspect of life and growth. It’s also a critical aspect of our success and fulfillment. The first aspect of allowing has to do with us accepting things as they are. One of my favorite quotes on this is from author and teacher Byron Katie who says, “When you argue with reality, you lose – but only 100% of the time.”

When we’re able to allow people, things, and situations to be as they are without judging them, trying to fix them, or wanting them to be some other way than how they actually are, we begin to tap into the immense power of allowing. Ironically and somewhat paradoxically, when we truly allow things and people to be exactly as they are, we open up a space for real change and transformation to occur (if that is what we want).

Trust, Patience, and Faith

The deeper aspect of allowing has to do with trusting, being patient, and having faith that what we want to manifest, create, and experience can and will show up as it is meant to. 

In other words, it’s an ability to allow things to happen and materialize without us having to manipulate, dominate, or control to make things happen. For those of us, myself included, who tend to be a bit controlling at times, this can be incredibly challenging.

The paradox that exists with allowing runs deep within us. So many of us were taught and believe the saying that “if it is to be, it’s up to me.” And while there is truth and wisdom in this philosophy, as many of us know, feeling as though we have to work hard, run fast, keep up, and make everything happen is exhausting and insatiable. 

No matter how hard we work, what we try to fix, or all of the changes we intend to make, if we don’t learn, practice, and ultimately master the art of allowing – true success and fulfillment will always elude us. Never underestimate the power of patience. Action is important, but we have to also learn to balance it out with our ability to allow.

Allowing takes faith, patience, and trust – three things essential for our peace of mind and well-being in life.  However, these are not things we focus on, learn about, or are encouraged to practice in our intense, fast-paced, results-oriented culture. 

The art of allowing is truly an art and often runs contrary to societal norms and pressures. It has to do with remembering, as the well-known saying goes, “We’re human beings, not human doings.” 

How to Enhance Your Ability to Allow in Your Life

Here are a few things to think about and practice as you enhance your capacity and ability to allow with more ease in your life.

1. Ask yourself how you relate to the concept of “allowing.” 

Take some inventory of your relationship with this idea. How do you feel about it? How comfortable are you allowing things and people to be as they are and allowing things to manifest with ease in your life? For many of us, this is something we may understand but not practice. Tell the truth to yourself about how you relate to allowing and notice how this impacts your life – one way or another.

2. Pay attention to what you focus on in regards to your biggest goals and aspirations. 

Think about your biggest goals, dreams, and aspirations in your life right now. How much of your attention and energy is focused on doing, and how much is focused on allowing? While both doing and allowing are important, most of us put a disproportionate amount of attention on action. 

Increasing our focus on allowing and ultimately receiving can be a magical, relaxing, and incredibly effective way to relate to our goals and dreams. This is often one of the big missing pieces in our desire for success and, more importantly, fulfillment.

3. Create an allowing practice

This is a simple practice you can do daily (like prayer, meditation, quiet reflection, affirmation, etc.) where you put your attention and awareness on allowing – accepting things as they are, trusting that things are working out as they are meant to, believing that the feelings, experiences, accomplishments, and outcomes which you most desire are on their way, and allowing yourself to receive these gifts and blessings with ease and gratitude. 

You may need to reach out to others for support, guidance, and feedback about creating or deepening an allowing practice that will work for you – but doing this is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself (as well as to those around you).

Remember – We’re All in This Together

Have fun with this, and have compassion for yourself as well. For most of us, the art of allowing is a lot easier to think about or talk about than it actually is to practice and embody. The more attention we put on it, however, the easier it gets. And, as we deepen our ability and capacity to allow – our whole life can transform with ease, grace, and gratitude.

How are you at allowing? What can you do to allow things to be as they are and also allow things to show up with ease in your life? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.   

Liked this article? Here are three more!

The Importance of Celebrating

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This article was originally published in March 2010 and updated for 2023.