Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

stress

Who Are You Trying to Impress?

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How often do you find yourself trying to impress others?

Maybe you feel it at work. Maybe it happens when you’re with your friends and family. Maybe it strikes when you log into social media or show up to a class reunion. It’s that nagging feeling, that annoying voice in the back of your head—and it’s telling you that the only way to succeed in life is to look good to others.

Unfortunately, many of us spend a lot of time trying to impress the people around us. While this makes sense and is a natural tendency, it can be quite harmful in many ways and often keeps us from doing, saying, and being who we truly want to be.

Be Yourself

I’ve also wasted a lot of time and energy throughout my life trying to impress people.

Whether it was at school, in an office, or participating on a sports team, I found myself in many situations where my performance was up for evaluation. It’s also carried into my work speaking, writing, coaching, podcasting, and more.

Trying to manage, control, and, ultimately, manipulate other people’s perceptions of us isn’t just exhausting—it’s also pretty much impossible. I’m reminded of the title of a book by Terry Cole-Whittaker called What You Think About Me is None of My Business.  Isn’t that such a great reminder for all of us?

We can save ourselves from a lot of unnecessary stress and anguish when we stop trying to impress others and start focusing on honoring ourselves. In other words, being true to ourselves, feeling good about who we are, and showing up in the most authentic way possible are all things that give us real power—not trying to be someone we aren’t or trying to be validated by the opinions of others.

As the wise sage Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  So true!

Acknowledge Yourself

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to perform well and receive positive feedback for our work. However, when we focus on impressing people, we give away our power and set ourselves up for unnecessary stress, worry, and fear.

It’s important to recognize that validation from other people isn’t what proves our worth—instead, we can turn within and focus on genuinely acknowledging ourselves.  When we’re willing to appreciate who we are, we can truly be free and tap into our innate power.

Do you struggle with being a people-pleaser? Are there times when you’ve caused unnecessary stress trying to impress other people? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

For more reading, check out these posts:

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3 Ways to Stay Positive
Tips on Resolving Conflict

Worry Never Works

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Many of us spend a lot of time worrying. About bills, relationships, health, finances, work, the state of the world, and more.  Although this is completely understandable, especially these days, and it’s something I find myself struggling with at times in pretty significant ways…I’ve learned throughout my life that worry never works.

Worrying is actually detrimental to our health, well-being, and our ability to experience what we truly want in life. When we worry, we’re simply preparing to be upset in the future – assuming that something bad will happen and creating a dress rehearsal for our anger, disappointment, and/or frustration.

Worry doesn’t work because it keeps us fixated on potential problems without thinking about productive solutions. It amplifies stress, impairs decision-making, and harms our mental and physical health. Often, worries are beyond our control or blown out of proportion, leading to unnecessary distress. Instead, focusing on actionable steps, maintaining perspective, and practicing mindfulness, we stay stuck in the negative trap of imagining all the ways things could go wrong.

Worrying has simply become a habituated and unconscious behavior for many of us. We tend to find ways to justify this – thinking that worrying proves we really care, helps keep us focused, or allows us to stay on top of things in a responsible way.

While this all makes sense, on a deeper level I’ve realized over the years that worrying is just an erroneous attempt to control the uncontrollable – life.

Given that we all know, at least to some degree, that worrying doesn’t really work and actually makes things worse – why do we do it?

If Worry Never Works, Why Do We Do It?

We worry as a natural response to uncertainty, potential threats, or challenges in our lives. It’s a way for our minds to try to anticipate and prepare for problems, but it can also stem from a desire for control or fear of the unknown. While worrying can sometimes serve a protective function, it often becomes excessive and counterproductive, leading to increased stress and anxiety.

Here are some of the main reasons we worry so much…

1. We’re Trained to Worry

We’ve been trained to worry throughout our lives – by our parents, teachers, friends, family members, co-workers, the media, our culture, and more. From the time we were kids, we’re taught (directly and indirectly) that we’re supposed to worry about lots of things – crime, illness, money, our children, being taken advantage of, pollution, and so much more. While some may argue that there are many things we should be concerned and aware about, “worrying” about any of these things doesn’t make them better or help us address them in a specific way.

2. We Don’t Know How to Express Our Real Emotions

We’re not usually encouraged or even all that good at acknowledging, addressing, and expressing our real emotions. Worry is often a suppressed form of fear, anger, shame, or other emotions we find difficult to deal with. Because worrying is much more socially acceptable than expressing our authentic fear (or anger, guilt, helplessness, shame, sadness, confusion, overwhelm, etc.), we tend to actively worry about things all the time. Our inability to express our real emotions, which is usually the source, is what keeps worry in place.

3. We Worry That Something Bad Will Happen

Finally, we worry that if we stop worrying, something really bad will happen. As ironic as it may seem, we continue to worry, somehow thinking we are protecting ourselves. In actuality, when we worry we’re just setting ourselves up for more stress and fear…and in a strange way, sometimes even attracting more negative outcomes and experiences to us by being so fixated on all that could go wrong.

How to Stop Worrying

Here are a few things you can do to let go of worry and operate with a deeper sense of peace and freedom:

1. Notice What You Worry About

Like most aspects of life and growth, the first step is authentic awareness. When we become conscious of our own habits, thoughts, and patterns as it relates to worrying, we can start to make some healthy choices and changes. As you notice your own tendency to worry, have compassion with yourself and see if you’re willing to let it go.

2. Identify and express your real emotions

Worry often originates from underlying emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, shame, or powerlessness. By acknowledging and embracing these emotions, we can navigate through them and release their energy. This process of emotional release enables us to transform our worries and ultimately free ourselves from their grip.

3. Take conscious and courageous action

Worry often renders us inactive; stuck in a state of negative thinking or fear-based reactions. Taking conscious and courageous actions in the face of our fear and worry can be one of the most empowering things for us to do. This is not about frantic, random, erroneous activity (just for the sake of doing something), this is about us taking deliberate action as a way of moving through our fear in a direct and authentic way.

Worrying is a natural aspect of our human experience. It’s important not to criticize ourselves for it, but rather to recognize its presence. Worry can significantly impact our success, well-being, and sense of fulfillment. By acknowledging this and understanding that worry never really works, we can delve into what is really going on within us, transforming it into a force for positive change.

What do you worry about most? Are you willing to let go of worry? If so, what will that take? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

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Why Taking Breaks Is So Important

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In today’s busy world with a never-ending “to-do” list of obligations, responsibilities, and commitments, it can be hard for us to take a real break. 

But taking breaks in the midst of the daily grind is vital for our mental, physical, and emotional health.

Why Taking Breaks is So Important

Wherever you are in your career and life, it’s essential to build in time to rest, relax, and rejuvenate.

We used to get built-in breaks when we were in school (winter, spring, summer, and more), but in the real world, it can be a lot tougher to take time off, especially these past few years. Even if we do get vacation days, it can be hard to really disconnect and some of us even fear taking time off. 

As I grew my own business, got married, and built a family, I began to see both the necessity and difficulty of carving out downtime.

Taking breaks means giving ourselves permission to unplug and let go, which is actually easier said than done for many of us. It gives us a chance to rest our brains, shift our daily habits, and let our minds wander.  Doing these things are essential for our relationships, work, wellbeing, and creativity.

We are never promised tomorrow, and no one is sure what each day will bring. 

I’ve experienced quite a bit of loss and grief in my life.  As hard and painful as this can be, it does force us to stop and reflect on our own lives. It makes us ask why we’re doing what we’re doing and what really matters.

We all have deadlines, commitments, meetings, projects, and other things that are important. But we never know what’s going to happen. Tomorrow is not promised. That’s why it’s important to rest in between all of our activities and ambitions. 

A break can be a nice vacation, or it can just be something simple, such as going for a quiet walk or reading a book. 

You don’t have to plan an elaborate getaway, as nice as those can be. A break can be as simple as disconnecting for a few minutes to stare out the window and appreciate your life.

I keep one journal for thoughts/feelings and another specifically for gratitude. I find when I take the time to write in these books, it always gives me a nice built-in time for reflection. 

Doing little things like journaling, or even going on a walk and being present with yourself and your surroundings can make a difference.

Staying busy can be a way to distract ourselves from our own feelings. 

We have so many ways to numb and distract ourselves these days, especially with work, technology, social media, and more. Feeling our feelings can be hard, painful, and scary, but that’s where the juice of life happens. 

The more time we give to fully feeling all of our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, the more quickly we move through them.

We’re all in this together.

When we get down to the essence of who we are as human beings, we may be different in so many ways, yet we all know what it’s like to feel universal emotions like joy, sadness, gratitude, fear, peacefulness, anger, love, and more.

When we take breaks, we allow ourselves to get in touch with our humanity and who we really are.  This helps us check in with ourselves and in turn allows us to connect more authentically with others.

As busy as we all are and as much as is coming at us all the time, it’s essential for us to slow down, step back, and engage with ourselves and each other in a conscious and deliberate way.  Doing this reminds us that even though it may not always seem like it, we truly are all in this together.

 

Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

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It’s Okay to Disappoint People

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How do you feel about disappointment?

Many of us, myself included, focus on not disappointing others while at the same time protecting ourselves from being disappointed.

As I’ve been looking at this more deeply, I’m amazed by how much stress, fear, and worry I experience in my attempts to avoid the disappointment of those around me—family, friends, clients, and others.

But where do this stress and fear come from?

I can see that much of this comes from my own deeper fear of being disappointed and let down.

The irony, of course, is that no matter how hard I try to avoid disappointing others or being disappointed myself, it happens anyway.

By actively avoiding disappointment (of or by others), we set ourselves up for failure and pain. And, as I’ve seen recently, this makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to speak our truth, be ourselves, and live with a real sense of authenticity and peace.

What if we embraced disappointment instead of avoiding it?

We will inevitably disappoint people, especially when we live our lives in a bold, authentic, and passionate way. Speaking up, going for the things that are important to us, and taking care of ourselves are all things that at times won’t align with others and, in some cases, may even upset them.

However, it is possible for us to be mindful, empathetic, and aware of others and still be true to ourselves—these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Asking for what we want, counting on others, and trusting people (and ourselves)—all of which are essential for healthy, fulfilling, and genuine relationships—make us vulnerable to being disappointed and even hurt by the people in our lives.

Ironically, we end up getting more hurt and disappointed in the long run by withholding our desires and expectations. We might as well live out loud and be honest about how we feel, what we want, and what’s important to us.

Disappointment, as uncomfortable and even painful as it can be for many of us, is essential on our journey of growth, self-discovery, authenticity, and fulfillment.

Here are a few things you can consider and do to expand your capacity for disappointment in your own life.

Tips On How to Embrace Disappointment

1. Take inventory

Take an honest look at some of the most important relationships and activities in your life.

How many of your actions, thoughts, conversations, and more (or lack thereof) have to do with your avoidance of disappointing others or being disappointed?

Also, take a look at your relationship with disappointment in general—how do you feel about it?

Be honest with yourself and your feelings. When you’re honest with yourself, you can learn the most.

2. Practice saying no

This is a great practice, especially for those of us people pleasers who find ourselves saying yes to stuff we don’t want to do.

While there is great value in being someone who is willing to say yes in life, there is also power in owning our no as well. See if you can practice saying no to people, even if it’s scary or uncomfortable.

Set boundaries and stick to those boundaries. Be authentic and vulnerable about it—with yourself and others.

And, see if you can expand your capacity to decline requests to things you don’t want to do, remove things from your plate or schedule that don’t serve or inspire you, and make peace with yourself about it.

3. Expand and express your desires

Make a list (mental or written) of some of the most essential and vulnerable desires you currently have—the things you want but maybe have been afraid to admit (due to a fear of being disappointed).

Many of us don’t ask for, go for, or express things unless we’re pretty sure we can make them happen, get them, or be sure people will respond to them in a positive way.

When you allow yourself to tap into and express your authentic desires, even if what you want doesn’t seem possible at the moment, you give yourself the freedom to ask, dream, and create. One of my favorite sayings is, “The answer’s always ‘no’ if you don’t ask.” Start asking!

4. Be Kind to Yourself

As you delve into this, be kind to yourself. Grappling with disappointment is a big one for me and many people I know and work with. We all want to be loved, valued, and appreciated in our lives.

Most of us have had painful experiences of disappointment in the past, which have impacted us in a profound way. However, if we can alter our relationship to disappointment—we can transform our lives and our relationships in a profound way.

 

How do you feel about disappointing others? How about being disappointed? What can you do to make peace with and embrace disappointment in an empowering way? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more below in the comments.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

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This article was originally published on October 15, 2008, and updated for 2022.

How to Enjoy the Holidays

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The holiday season is now in full swing. If you’re anything like me, you probably have mixed feelings about the holidays. I love the excitement, parties, decorations, rituals, music, gifts, connections, and more. However, even these fun things can wear on me. And, the stress, drama, consumption, obligation, expense, and more that often come along with this time of year are not on my list of favorite things.

In addition, I often feel like I’m not doing enough, not on top of my “list,” and I sometimes worry that I won’t get everything done in time to make the people in my life happy the way I want to. Can you relate?

What if we each made a commitment to appreciate the holiday season and enjoy the whole experience this year – regardless of our circumstances or any external pressure we may feel? Appreciating the holiday season, as with anything in life, will make it much more enjoyable and much less stressful.

Instead of rushing around in a high state of anxiety and worry about crossing every item off of our never-ending to-do list, we could choose another way – one which will make this holiday season enjoyable, fun, and peaceful for us and those around us.

Here are a few things we can remember this holiday season to make things more fulfilling and less overwhelming:

– Take Responsibility for Your Experience. It’s important to remember that the stress we experience during the holiday season does not come from the holidays themselves, but from us. We’re always the creators of our own experience and the more we can remember this and live our lives from this perspective, the more empowered we are. When we stop thinking, speaking, and acting as if we’re mere victims of holiday madness (or anything else in our lives for that matter), we can dramatically enhance our enjoyment and lower our stress.

– Remember That You Are at Choice. We always have a choice about how we engage with anything. This holiday season we can choose to be annoyed by family members, obligations, forced work gatherings, crowds, prices, or anything else. Or, we can choose to enjoy the magic and fun of this time of year. We may not always get to choose the people and circumstances around us, but we always have a choice about how we relate to them. Our experience of the holidays (and of life) is up to us, as it always is.

– Focus on What You Appreciate About the Holidays. Consciously choose to focus on the things that you appreciate about the holiday season the most. Tell the truth about this to yourself and to those around you. If at all possible, don’t participate in work or family gatherings out of obligation. But, regardless of where you are, what you do, or whom you are with – make a commitment to appreciate what’s happening, the people around you, and the many blessings of this season and in your life right now.

Even and especially when things are challenging, we always have so much to be grateful for. At this time of the year, we can take a step back, breathe deeply, and experience the gratitude we have for our lives, the people in it, and for ourselves. If not now, then when?

While there are always things for us to do, gifts to buy, gatherings to attend, and much more going on at this time of year; we can choose to have this holiday season be one that is filled with authentic peace, gratitude, and joy – if we’re willing to look for, find, and focus on what we appreciate.

How do you relate to the holidays? What can you do or shift to have this holiday season be one you truly enjoy and appreciate? How can you stay positive during the holidays this year? Share your ideas, commitments, thoughts, dreams, and more on my blog below.