Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

acceptance

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

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My friend and colleague, Dr. Robert Holden, poignantly says, “There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.”

Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual’s acceptance of all of their attributes, positive or negative.”

So much of our life and our work is focused on self-improvement.  And while there’s nothing wrong with us wanting to improve ourselves – too often we go about it erroneously thinking that if we achieve the improvement we’re after, we’ll then feel good about ourselves.

But it actually doesn’t work that way.

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

Self-improvement and self-acceptance are both vital in a balanced life. Self-acceptance promotes inner peace while self-improvement fuels progress. It’s important to find a harmonious balance between the two to lead to genuine self-empowerment.

This balance can be tricky. In today’s world – especially with everyone posting the highlight reels of their lives on social media – it’s easy to compare ourselves to others.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with self-improvement.  We turn on the TV, surf the web, look at magazines, browse through our feeds, take classes, read books, listen to others, and more – constantly getting various messages that if we just fixed or improved ourselves a bit, we’d be better off.  How often do you find yourself thinking some version of, “If I just lost a little weight, made a little more money, improved my health, had more inspiring work, lived in a nicer place, improved my relationships (or something else), then I’d be happy.” Even though I know better, this type of thinking shows up inside my own head more often than I’d like.

The paradox of self-improvement is that by accepting ourselves as we are, we give ourselves the space, permission, and opportunity to create an authentic sense of success and fulfillment.  When we insatiably focus on improving ourselves, thinking that it will ultimately lead us to a place of happiness, we’re almost always disappointed and we set up a stressful dynamic of constantly striving, but never quite getting there.

What if we gave ourselves permission to accept ourselves fully, right now?  While this is a simple concept, it’s one of the many things in life that’s easier said than done.

Why Do We Resist Self-Acceptance?

One of the biggest pieces of resistance we have regarding self-acceptance is that we erroneously think that by accepting ourselves, we may somehow be giving up.  It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Okay, I’ll accept myself, once all of my problems and issues go away.”

Another reason we resist accepting ourselves is the notion that somehow acceptance is resignation.  It’s not.  Acceptance is acceptance – it’s about allowing things to be as they are, even if we don’t like them.  As Byron Katie says (and I often quote), “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

The paradox of self-acceptance lies in the realization that embracing our true selves, including our current circumstances, qualities, and imperfections, opens the door to genuine personal growth and positive transformation.

By acknowledging who we are without judgment, we create an authentic space for change to occur naturally. However, when we become fixated on demanding changes solely to achieve happiness, self-esteem, or success, we often find ourselves frustrated and unfulfilled. True progress arises from a foundation of self-acceptance, where inner contentment allows us to organically pursue meaningful improvements, leading to a more genuine and satisfying journey of self-discovery.

If you take a moment right now to think about some of the most important changes you’re attempting to make in your life, ask yourself this question, “What would it look like, feel like, and be like for me to fully accept myself in these important areas?”

Often, our biggest obstacles to making meaningful changes, achieving success, and finding fulfillment, stem from self-criticism, the pursuit of perfection, and impatience. These self-imposed barriers hinder our progress and overshadow our potential for growth and accomplishment.

By learning to embrace self-compassion, accepting that perfection is not attainable, and practicing patience, we create a nurturing environment for personal development and genuine fulfillment. Letting go of harsh self-judgment allows us to focus on the journey rather than fixating on outcomes, enabling us to appreciate the incremental steps and learn from setbacks along the way. In doing so, we unlock the true potential within ourselves to thrive and prosper.

What if we changed our approach, and with as much love, compassion, and vulnerability as possible, just accepted ourselves exactly as we are, right now?

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This article was published in 2013 and updated for 2023.

Live Like You’re Going to Die (Because You Are)

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As much as we don’t like to think about it or talk about it, the fact is, we’re all going to die one day.

The reality of death is, of course, both obvious and daunting for most of us.  

I used to wonder what it’s like to know you’re going to die – but then I realized that we’re all going to die. We just don’t act like it. 

As simple as this thought is, it is extremely profound for me.  I don’t live my life all that consciously aware of my own death.  My own fears about death (mine and others) often force me to avoid thinking about it all together.  I do catch myself worrying about dying; sometimes more often than I’d like to admit, especially when I think about Michelle and our daughters, Samantha and Rosie.

I sometimes worry that it’s too weird, intense, or scary to talk about death or that it’s somehow a bad omen to do so.

We have a lot of strange notions about death in our culture. The concept itself can be intimidating and goes against so much of what we obsess about (youth, productivity, vitality, results, beauty, improvement, the future, etc.).

But what if we embraced death, talked about it more, and shared our own vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and questions about it?  

Why You Should Live Like You’re Going to Die

While for some of us this may seem uncomfortable, undesirable, or even scary – think how liberating it would be to face the reality of death. To live like you’re going to die. 

Contemplating death in a conscious way doesn’t have to freak us out.  Knowing that our human experience is limited and that at some mysterious point in the future our physical body will die, is both sobering and liberating.

I’ve always appreciated memorial services, even when I’ve been in deep pain and grief over the death of someone close to me. I enjoy them because there is a powerful consciousness which often surrounds death. 

When someone passes away we often feel increased permission to get real, be vulnerable, and to focus on what’s most important (not the ego-based fear, comparison, and self-criticism that often runs our lives).

What if we tapped into this empowering awareness all the time – not just because someone close to us dies or because we have our own near-death experience, but because we choose to affirm life and appreciate the blessing, gift, and opportunity that it is?

How to Live Like You’re Going to Die

Here are some things we can think about, focus on, and do on a regular basis that will allow us to live like we’re going to die, in a positive way:

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

As my late friend and mentor Richard Carlson reminded millions of us through his bestselling series of books with this great title, life is not an emergency. Most of the stuff we worry about, get upset about, and obsess about is not that big of a deal.  

If we lived as if we were dying, we probably wouldn’t let so many small things bother us.

Let Go of Grudges

One of my favorite sayings is, “holding a grudge is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die.”  

Everyone loses when we hold a grudge, especially us.  Consider this: if you were aware of your impending death, would you genuinely want to spend your precious time and energy holding onto anger and resentment towards those around you or people from your past (regardless of what they may have done)? 

Forgiveness is powerful – it’s not about condoning anything, it’s about liberation and freedom.

Focus on What Truly Matters

What truly matters to you?  Love? Family? Relationships? Service? Creativity? Spirituality? 

Our authentic contemplation of death can help us answer this important question in a poignant way.  If you found out you only had a limited time left to live, what would you stop doing right now?  What would you want to focus on instead?  

And while we all have certain responsibilities in life, asking ourselves what truly matters to us and challenging ourselves to focus on that, right now, is one of the most important things we can do.

Go For It

Fear of failure often stops us from going for what we truly want in life.  From a certain perspective (the ego-based, physical, material world) death can be seen as the ultimate “failure” and is often related to that way in our culture, even though people don’t usually talk about it in these blunt terms.  However, this perspective can actually liberate us.  

If we know we’re ultimately going to “fail” in life (in terms of living forever), what have we really got to lose by taking big risks?  We all know how things are going to turn out in the end.  As I heard in a workshop many years ago, “Most of us are trying to survive life; we have to remember that no one ever has.”

Seize the Day

Carpe diem, the Latin phrase for “seize the day,” is all about being right here, right now.  The more willing we are to surrender to the present moment, embrace it, and fully experience it – the more we can appreciate and enjoy life.  

As John Lennon famously said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”  

Embracing a mindset of living as if every moment were our last entails cherishing the present, expressing gratitude for its preciousness, and avoiding excessive preoccupation with the past or future. Imagine if today were your final day on Earth. How would you choose to embrace life?

Death can be difficult and scary for many of us to confront. There is a lot of fear, resistance, and taboo surrounding it in our culture and for many of us personally. 

However, when we acknowledge death as a natural and inevitable part of life, we are reminded that each person’s existence, regardless of its duration, is inherently brief, invaluable, and awe-inspiring. This realization has the power to profoundly and positively transform our thoughts, emotions, and relationships with ourselves, others, and the world. 

Embracing a mindset of living with the awareness of our mortality (and remembering that death is guaranteed) is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and the people who mean the most to us.

How can you start living your life more conscious of your own death, in a positive and empowering way?  What can you do right now to let go of what’s not important, focus on what truly matters, and seize the day? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

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This article was published in 2011 and updated for 2023.

 

Why Taking Breaks Is So Important

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In today’s busy world with a never-ending “to-do” list of obligations, responsibilities, and commitments, it can be hard for us to take a real break. 

But taking breaks in the midst of the daily grind is vital for our mental, physical, and emotional health.

Why Taking Breaks is So Important

Wherever you are in your career and life, it’s essential to build in time to rest, relax, and rejuvenate.

We used to get built-in breaks when we were in school (winter, spring, summer, and more), but in the real world, it can be a lot tougher to take time off, especially these past few years. Even if we do get vacation days, it can be hard to really disconnect and some of us even fear taking time off. 

As I grew my own business, got married, and built a family, I began to see both the necessity and difficulty of carving out downtime.

Taking breaks means giving ourselves permission to unplug and let go, which is actually easier said than done for many of us. It gives us a chance to rest our brains, shift our daily habits, and let our minds wander.  Doing these things are essential for our relationships, work, wellbeing, and creativity.

We are never promised tomorrow, and no one is sure what each day will bring. 

I’ve experienced quite a bit of loss and grief in my life.  As hard and painful as this can be, it does force us to stop and reflect on our own lives. It makes us ask why we’re doing what we’re doing and what really matters.

We all have deadlines, commitments, meetings, projects, and other things that are important. But we never know what’s going to happen. Tomorrow is not promised. That’s why it’s important to rest in between all of our activities and ambitions. 

A break can be a nice vacation, or it can just be something simple, such as going for a quiet walk or reading a book. 

You don’t have to plan an elaborate getaway, as nice as those can be. A break can be as simple as disconnecting for a few minutes to stare out the window and appreciate your life.

I keep one journal for thoughts/feelings and another specifically for gratitude. I find when I take the time to write in these books, it always gives me a nice built-in time for reflection. 

Doing little things like journaling, or even going on a walk and being present with yourself and your surroundings can make a difference.

Staying busy can be a way to distract ourselves from our own feelings. 

We have so many ways to numb and distract ourselves these days, especially with work, technology, social media, and more. Feeling our feelings can be hard, painful, and scary, but that’s where the juice of life happens. 

The more time we give to fully feeling all of our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, the more quickly we move through them.

We’re all in this together.

When we get down to the essence of who we are as human beings, we may be different in so many ways, yet we all know what it’s like to feel universal emotions like joy, sadness, gratitude, fear, peacefulness, anger, love, and more.

When we take breaks, we allow ourselves to get in touch with our humanity and who we really are.  This helps us check in with ourselves and in turn allows us to connect more authentically with others.

As busy as we all are and as much as is coming at us all the time, it’s essential for us to slow down, step back, and engage with ourselves and each other in a conscious and deliberate way.  Doing this reminds us that even though it may not always seem like it, we truly are all in this together.

 

Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

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The Importance of Embracing Emotions (Including Anger)

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Embracing our emotions can be challenging.  When it comes to finding healthy ways to feel and even express our anger, specifically, the stakes can feel even higher. We often think of anger as something to be ashamed of, avoided, or hidden.

However, learning how to feel and express our anger in healthy ways is an important part of our emotional development. It makes us better leaders, better partners, better parents, and better people.

Although anger is an intense emotion that can be challenging for us to embrace, there can be real value in giving ourselves more freedom to tap into it. Anger can sometimes motivate us to say things we need to say and help us dig deep enough to have those important, sweaty-palmed conversations that are long overdue and can be easy to avoid.

(Are you avoiding a difficult conversation? Read this post next)

Good vs. Bad Emotions

First, let’s talk about what we deem “good” emotions versus those, like anger or jealousy, that we tend to see as “bad.”

Keep in mind, while we may be experiencing certain emotions in a negative context, that doesn’t mean any emotion is inherently good or bad. Instead, emotions become problematic when we suppress them and don’t feel them authentically. After all, we’ve been trained to suppress our emotions and in service of being “professional,” “grown-up,” or “appropriate.”  This can sometimes mean we can get stuck and unable to feel or express our true emotions.

Many of us have been conditioned to keep our feelings under wraps. Things like our age, gender, race, background, and other factors often play a role in how much space we feel we have to express our emotions. For example, many men in Western society are socialized to “be strong” and not show weakness, which can make it harder for us to embrace our emotions—especially those seen as negative.  Alternatively, many people who self-identify as being a member of one or more non-dominant groups, may not feel safe enough to express their true feelings for fear of retribution, isolation, or even violence.

When we don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions, they can start to control us. We may find ourselves lashing out in anger or freezing up when we’re feeling overwhelmed with sadness. In these cases, our emotions are no longer serving us—they are running our lives.

Passing Emotions vs. States

It’s also worth mentioning there’s a difference between feeling an emotion and living in that state. Emotions come and go, and feeling a certain way is different than being that way. 

For example, when we say “I’m feeling mad,” as opposed to “I’m mad,” it makes it more about the passing emotion and less about living in a state of anger. Not to mention, anger is often a secondary emotion. The truth is, bursts of anger can really be unresolved hurt and disappointment, or underlying sadness or fear. But embracing the emotions you’re feeling in that moment can help you get to the root of what’s causing you to feel that way in the first place. Feeling these feelings is also what can stop us from becoming them.

In short, all of our emotions are valid and worth exploring—even the ones we don’t enjoy. So, how do we do that? How can we start to embrace our anger and other challenging emotions in a healthy way?

Here are some of my favorite ways to do so…

  • Give yourself permission to be angry
  • Write an anger letter (read more about anger letters in this post about the power of forgiveness)
  • Practice visualization
  • Journal
  • Do healthy productive things to get the anger out physically in a conscious way (beat on pillows, yell in a secluded environment, exercise)

To learn more about these strategies for embracing emotions, check out my entire podcast episode on the importance of embracing emotions.

Emotions and Leadership

If you’re in a leadership role, keep in mind that great leaders provide a safe space for their team to express their emotions. Just imagine what it could mean for your team if people could express their true feelings in mature and genuine ways. It takes quite a bit of emotional intelligence and maturity to hear and receive someone’s anger and not react to it. But when you demonstrate this skill as a leader, it helps establish a psychologically safe environment in which people can share openly without judgment or fear. 

 

Do you find it hard to feel and express certain emotions? What can you do to allow yourself to tap into anger and other hard emotions in an authentic and liberating way? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

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This, Too, Shall Pass

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This, too, shall pass.

It is a saying we hear often. People will say it to us when we are going through something difficult, and while there is profound truth and wisdom in this mantra, it can also be tricky.

We must be careful about when and how we say this phrase to others and how we think about it ourselves, especially these days. 

So, how can we embrace this in an authentic way amidst our own challenges right now? 

How Can We Embrace “This, Too, Shall Pass?”

A big part of embracing “this, too, shall pass” is reminding ourselves that good and bad times don’t last. We can surrender to life’s ebbs and flows, including when we go through something difficult and when we go through something great.

The tricky thing about this phrase, though, is that it sometimes minimizes the experiences that people have. 

People go through many challenges and difficulties throughout their lives, and it’s essential to be mindful of this. It’s also important not to compare our challenges, pain, or suffering to what other people are going through. 

Imagine someone who is sick or has lost someone close to them. Telling the person that “this, too, shall pass” can be insensitive. It may not speak to the challenge or pain of the moment they’re experiencing.

“This, too, shall pass” is similar to the common saying that “everything happens for a reason” or that “there’s always a silver lining.” While it’s all true, saying these things to people doesn’t often support them or honor their experience.

Remember to be Mindful

We must be mindful when we say these phrases to others – and ourselves. It’s critical to acknowledge the difficulty and challenge of particular experiences with empathy.

We’ve all been through painful things and figured out how to get through them.  None of us have been through a global pandemic before, and we are just now beginning to really deal with the impact and difficulties it had on our lives, culture, and economy. 

What Can You Control?

Experiences teach us things, and while we can’t control everything in life, what we can control is how we show up. 

There are really only two things we can control – our attitude and our effort. Everything else is out of our control.

We’ve all made it through and survived 100 percent of the challenges we’ve endured up to this point in our lives.

We’re All in This Together

Our world has gone through unbelievable stress, challenge, difficulty, war, change, and more throughout history.. But through our adaptability, resilience, grit, and good fortune, we as individuals, families, communities, a nation, and the world have figured out how to overcome these challenges. This doesn’t mean there’s no loss, pain, or impact, but we do know how to get through hard times.

It’s important to acknowledge that life is often an emotional rollercoaster, it’s also critical to allow ourselves to feel the emotions and trust that they will pass – that we will get through it. It doesn’t mean we know exactly when we will get through it, but that’s all a part of the process. 

Remembering that we’re all in this together and that this, too, shall pass are two essential things we can hold onto in the midst of everything going on. Remembering how strong and resilient we are and knowing that we will get through whatever we are dealing with are essential things for us to focus on as we navigate any challenge we face.

 

How do you work your way through challenging times? What can you do to support others going through difficulties? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

 

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