Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

acceptance

How Do You Forgive Yourself?

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How do you forgive yourself, especially when you feel shame and regret about things you have done in the past?

Dealing with shame and regret isn’t easy. And forgiving yourself can be extremely difficult when you live in constant guilt and regret.

Many of us carry hard, hurtful emotions that build with us as time goes on.

One of these feelings – particularly for me – is resentment.

You can direct resentment towards other people, situations, or yourself.

When I first began on my journey of self-forgiveness, what I had to initially confront was how much resentment I had towards myself.

How To Forgive Yourself

Many of us are critical and unforgiving to ourselves. A lot of us don’t even trust ourselves.

And when we are so critical of ourselves, we start harboring resentment.

Forgiving yourself isn’t easy – it takes work. But it’s worth it.

I started forgiving myself by meditating, journaling, asking for help, and focusing on healing.

One specific exercise I did was to write down a long list of things that I wanted to forgive myself for:

  • being harsh and critical of some of the people closest to me,
  • being annoyed and unkind to our girls at times,
  • worrying about all kinds of superficial things,
  • being unable to overcome failure,
  • harming my body over the years,
  • not taking good care of myself,
  • making mistakes in my business and with our finances,
  • not practicing what I preached in my work,

And on and on the list went.

As I wrote these things down in my journal, I was initially concerned that it was my gremlin taking over and listing out all the things that were “wrong” with me and all the reasons why I was “bad.”

But as I allowed myself to engage more deeply in the process, I realized that what I was doing was telling the truth about all the things I’d been judging myself for.

Engaging in this process was my attempt in some way to let go of the resentment I was holding toward myself. I was trying to move into a place of forgiveness and, ultimately, freedom. And while I wasn’t sure if I knew exactly the “right” way to forgive myself, I decided to ask to be forgiven in my writings, prayers, and meditations.

Before I went to bed at night, I would ask for the weight of this self-criticism and negativity to lift off of me.

The Nature of Growth and Change

A few days after doing this self-reflection and self-forgiveness exercise, I felt 50 pounds lighter.

A few weeks later, I had my first session with my counselor Eleanor. As Eleanor and I began to work together, which we’ve continued to do over the past decade with wonderful results, she began to explain to me the nature of growth and change.

These are the basic steps involved in the process of growing and changing:

  1. Recognize: You must recognize what’s going on and what you’re doing. Recognizing is about seeing and about authentic awareness.
  2. Acknowledge: You must acknowledge the impact of what you’re doing with compassion and without judgment. Acknowledgment is about feeling your emotions and owning the impact.
  3. Forgive: The most crucial step in the process is forgiveness—a willingness to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about caring enough to take a deeper level of responsibility. And when you do that, you’re able to forgive yourself authentically.
  4. Change: If you genuinely recognize, acknowledge, and forgive, the change pretty much happens on its own. You don’t have to—nor do you get to—control it. Change is the result of authentic forgiveness, and genuine forgiveness is about releasing the past and all the stories you have associated with it.

Unfortunately, most of us actually recognize, acknowledge, punish, and repeat—instead of forgiving and changing—which keeps specific negative patterns in place in our lives and causes us a great deal of pain and suffering.

For real change to happen, we must constantly focus on forgiving ourselves and releasing the past and all of the stories connected to it.

Moving Forward with Self-Forgiveness

Given that most of us have many years of experience of not doing this and still tend to be hypercritical of ourselves, self-forgiveness can be challenging.

Forgiveness continues to be a challenge for me, although it’s getting easier. It’s a practice, and like any practice, the more we do it, the easier it is and the more effective we become.

The more willing we are to take an honest look within—recognize and acknowledge our self-sabotaging ways and forgive ourselves for them—the more likely we can begin to change in an authentic and powerful way.

Remember: we all make mistakes. And that’s okay. We all do things that we regret. Self-forgiveness makes it possible to forgive others and live our lives with a genuine sense of freedom, peace, and love.

 

This is a modified excerpt taken from my book Nothing Changes Until You Do, with permission from our publisher, Hay House.  This book is available online or in bookstores. Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more here or in the comments section of this post.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

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This article was originally published on April 30, 2014, and updated for 2021.

Self Improvement vs. Self Acceptance

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I had the honor of meeting author Robert Holden recently when we both spoke at the Hay House IGNITE event in San Jose, CA (which was an amazing experience, by the way).  Robert is someone whom I’ve admired for quite some time.  It was wonderful to get a chance to meet him in person and hear him speak live.  In his talk, he said “There’s no amount of self improvement that can make up for a lack of self acceptance.”

This statement really struck me and as I started to think about it more, I realized that so much of my life and my work is focused on self improvement.  And while there’s nothing wrong with me or any of us wanting to improve ourselves – too often we go about it erroneously thinking that if we “achieve” the “improvement” we’re after, we’ll then feel good about ourselves.  As Robert pointed out in his talk (and most of us have experienced this in our lives many times), it doesn’t work this way.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with self improvement.  We turn on the TV, look at magazines, take classes, read books, listen to others, surf the web and more – constantly getting various messages that if we just fixed, changed, and improved ourselves a bit, we’d be better off.  How often do you find yourself thinking some version of, “If I just lost a little weight, made a little more money, improved my health, had more inspiring work, lived in a nicer place, improved my relationships (or something else), then I’d be happy.”   Even though I “know better,” this type of thinking shows up inside my own head more often than I’d like.

The paradox of self improvement is that by accepting ourselves as we are, we give ourselves the space, permission, and opportunity to create an authentic sense of success and fulfillment.  When we insatiably focus on improving ourselves, thinking that it will ultimately lead us to a place of happiness, we’re almost always disappointed and we set up a stressful dynamic of constantly striving, but never quite getting there.

What if we gave ourselves permission to accept ourselves fully, right now?  While this is a simple concept, it’s one of the many things in life that’s easier said than done.  One of the biggest pieces of resistance we have regarding self acceptance is that we erroneously think that by accepting ourselves, we may somehow be giving up.  It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Okay, I’ll accept myself, once all of my problems and issues go away.”

Another reason we resist accepting ourselves is the notion that somehow acceptance is resignation.  It’s not.  Acceptance is acceptance – it’s about allowing things to be as they are, even if we don’t like them.  As Byron Katie says (and I often quote), “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

The paradox of self acceptance is that when we allow ourselves to accept who we are, where we are, what’s really happening, qualities about ourselves, aspects of who we are, and more – we actually set ourselves up and give ourselves the opportunity to make changes, improvements, and enhancements to ourselves and our lives in an authentic way.  When we obsess about and/or demand these improvements or changes “in order to” be happy, feel good about ourselves, or think we’re successful, it almost never works.

If you take a moment right now to think about some of the most important improvements and changes you’re attempting to make in your life, ask yourself this question, “What would it look like, feel like, and be like for me to fully accept myself in these important areas of my life?”

Most of the time it’s our own self criticism, perfection demands, and impatience that are actually getting in our way of making the changes, creating the success, and experiencing the fulfillment we truly want.  What if we changed our approach and with as much love, compassion, and vulnerability as possible, just accepted ourselves exactly as we are, right now!

You Are Not Alone

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Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone.  Even though my relationship with my wife Michelle is amazing, the love I feel for and from my girls is profound, and there are so many incredible people in my life (family, friends, and clients) – I still find that in my darkest moments, I feel like there’s no one who really gets me, knows what I’m going through, or even cares enough to truly have my back.  Do you ever feel like this yourself?

I’m facing some pretty intense challenges in my life right now.  Earlier this week, I was standing in the center of the circle at my men’s group and I allowed myself to really get vulnerable about what’s been going on and the underlying pain and fear I’ve been feeling.  As I fell to the floor and sobbed uncontrollably, I realized that two of my deepest fears have been – “I can’t handle all of this myself,” and, “I’m all alone.”

As I allowed myself to both feel and express the intensity of these painful fears, two amazing things happened.  First of all, I felt liberated (which is what almost always happens when we express ourselves vulnerably and authentically).  Second of all, I felt the acceptance, support, and love of the men in my group in that moment, which reminded me (both mentally and, more important, emotionally and experientially) that I’m not, in fact, alone – there are so many incredible people in my life who do have my back.

We’re never truly alone, even when we feel that way.  Most of us have important, loving, and caring people in our lives who are there to support us – if we’re willing to open up, ask for, and receive their help.  And, regardless of how many people are around us, what our current relationship, family, or work situation may be, or any of the other external circumstances in our life – each of us has access to a higher power, whether we call it God, Spirit, Source, or anything else.

One of the deepest and most basic fears of being human is the fear of loneliness – no one to be with us, love us, accept us, support us, and take care of us if and when we need it.  Although this fear seems very real and there’s nothing wrong with us for feeling it, the paradox is that we aren’t ever really alone – we’re surrounded by love and support all the time, from others and, of course, from God.  The idea that we’re alone is simply a “story” we tell ourselves, especially when things get difficult, scary, or both.

Here are some things you can do to let go of this “story” of being alone when it shows up in your life:

1)  Open Up Vulnerably – Acknowledging, owning, and sharing your deepest truth is one of the best ways to liberate yourself and connect with other people in an authentic way (hence, reminding you that you’re not alone).  So often we think that if we really let others know how we feel, what we fear, and what’s truly going inside our head and our heart, they will judge us, reject us, or not understand us.  In most cases, the exact opposite is true.

2)  Ask For Help – As the saying goes, “the answer is always ‘no’ if you don’t ask.”  When we have the courage and vulnerability to ask for the help and support we need, a few important things happen.  First of all, we’re liberated from the pressure of trying to take care of everything ourselves.  Second of all, we give other people the opportunity to contribute to us and be of service (which most people love to do).  And finally, we’re able to tap into the energy, brilliance, and creativity of other human beings – which is almost always helpful and is also a good reminder that we have access to a great deal of love and support.

3)  Allow Yourself To Be Supported – Being “supportable” is something many of us, myself included, struggle with.  Even if we’re vulnerable enough to tell the truth about how we really feel and ask for the support we truly want, it takes a certain amount of maturity, self respect, and humility to allow other people to support us.  Even if it’s scary and feels uncomfortable at first, practicing and expanding your capacity to receive the support of others is both generous (as it allows other people to make a difference) and wise (you don’t have to work so hard and struggle so much).

4)  Have Faith – Faith is the belief in things not seen or proven.  At some level, our ability to grow, expand, and evolve in life is directly related to our ability to live with a deep sense of faith – in ourselves, others, and a higher power.  In our lowest moments, when it feels like we truly are alone and that things will never turn around, work out, or go the way we want them to in life, our faith is what can pull us through.  Waiting for a “guarantee” or until we think we’re “ready” or “deserving” of support sets us up to fail and creates more fear and anxiety.  Having faith in ourselves, others, life, and God is what can remind us, in an instant, that we’re not alone – because we’re not!

Live Like You’re Going to Die (Because You Are)

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You’re going to die.  I’m going to die.  Everyone around us is going to die.

The reality of death is, of course, both obvious and daunting for most of us.  With the recent tragic events in Japan and some very serious health news I received from someone close to me, I’ve been thinking about life and death a lot this past week.  I was on a run a few days ago and thought to myself, “I wonder what it’s like to know you’re going to die?”  Then I thought, “Wait a minute, we’re all going to die – we just don’t act like it.”

As simple as this thought was, it was profound for me.  I don’t live my life all that consciously aware of my own death.  My own fears about death (mine and others) often force me to avoid thinking about it all together.  I do catch myself worrying about dying; sometimes more often than I’d like to admit, especially with our girls being as young as they are – Samantha’s five and Rosie’s two and a half.

I also don’t talk about death that much because it seems like such a morbid topic, a real “downer.”  I worry that it’s too intense to address or that if I focus on death I will somehow attract it to me or those around me superstitiously.

And, as a culture we don’t really like to talk about death or deal with it in a meaningful way since it can be quite scary and is the exact opposite of so much of what we obsess about (youth, productivity, vitality, results, beauty, improvement, the future, etc.).

But what if we embraced death, talked about it more, and shared our own vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and questions about it?  While for some of us this may seem uncomfortable, undesirable, or even a little weird – think how liberating it would be and is when we’re willing to face the reality of death directly.

Steve Jobs gave a powerful commencement speech at Stanford in 2005 entitled “How to live before you die.”  In that speech, he said, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

Contemplating death in a conscious way doesn’t have to freak us out.  Knowing that our human experience is limited and that at some mysterious point in the future our physical body will die, is both sobering and liberating.

The reason I’ve always appreciated memorials services (even when I’ve been in deep pain and grief over the death of someone close to me) is because there is a powerful consciousness which often surrounds death. When someone passes away we often feel a certain amount of permission to get real in a vulnerable way and to focus on what’s most important (not the ego-based fear, comparison, and self criticism that often runs our life).

What if we tapped into this empowering awareness all the time – not just because someone close to dies or because we have our own near-death experience, but because we choose to affirm life and appreciate the blessing, gift, and opportunity that it is.

Here are some things we can think about, focus on, and do on a regular basis that will allow us to live like we’re going to die, in a positive way:

– Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – As my dear friend and mentor Richard Carlson reminded millions of us through his bestselling series of books with this great title, life is not an emergency and most of the stuff we worry about, get upset about, and obsess about is not that big of a deal.  If we lived as if we were dying, we probably wouldn’t let so many small things bother us.

– Let Go of Grudges – One of my favorite sayings is, “holding a grudge is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die.”  Everyone loses when we hold a grudge, especially us.  If you knew you were going to die soon, would you really want to spend your precious time and energy holding onto anger and resentment towards those around youor people from your past (regardless of what they may have done)? Forgiveness is powerful – it’s not about condoning anything, it’s about liberation and freedom for us.

– Focus on What Truly Matters – What truly matters to you?  Love? Family? Relationships? Service? Creativity? Spirituality? Our authentic contemplation of death can help us answer this important question in a poignant way.  If you found out you only had a limited time left to live, what would you stop doing right now?  What would you want to focus on instead?  And while we all have certain responsibilities in life, asking ourselves what truly matters to us and challenging ourselves to focus on that, right now, is one of the most important things we can do.

– Go For It – Fear of failure often stops us from going for what we truly want in life.  From a certain perspective (the ego-based, physical, material world) death can be seen as the ultimate “failure” and is often related to that way in our culture, even though people don’t usually talk about it in these blunt terms.  However, this perspective can actually liberate us.  If we know we’re ultimately going to “fail” in life (in terms of living forever), what have we really got to lose by taking big risks?  We all know how things are going to turn out in the end.  As I heard in a workshop years ago, “Most of us are trying to survive life; we have to remember that no one ever has.”

– Seize the Day – Carpe diem, the Latin phrase for “seize the day,” is all about being right here, right now.  The more willing we are to surrender to the present moment, embrace it, and fully experience it – the more we can appreciate and enjoy life.  As John Lennon famously said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”  Living like we’re going to die is about remembering to fully engage in the present moment, being grateful for the gift that it is, and doing our best not to dwell on the past or worry about the future.  If today were your last day, how would you want to live?

Death can be difficult and scary scary for many of us to confront. There is a lot of fear, resistance, and “taboo” surrounding it in our culture and for us personally.  However, when we remember that death is both natural and inevitable, we’re reminded that everyone’s life (whether it lasts for a few days or a hundred years) is short, precious, and miraculous.  This awareness can fundamentally and positively alter the way we think, feel, and relate to ourselves, others, and life itself.  Living as if we’re going to die (and remembering that it’s guaranteed) is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and those around us.

How can you start living your life for more conscious of your own death, in a positive and empowering way?  What can you do right now to let go of what’s not important, focus on what truly matters, and seize the day? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below

The Power of Acceptance

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For much of my life I’ve struggled to accept certain things about myself, others, and life that I don’t like.  Being someone who is committed to change and transformation, the idea of “acceptance” has often seemed weak, wimpy, or like an admission of failure or powerlessness to me – although I have pretended to understand, believe in, and even teach the power of acceptance for a long time.

The truth is, I’ve been scared to fully embrace acceptance – worrying that if I truly accept certain aspects of myself that I don’t like, things about others that bother me, or circumstances in my life or in the world that aren’t okay with me, then somehow I wouldn’t be motivated to change them in a positive way or, even worse, I would get resigned about them and they would always stay the way they are – which, of course, to me would be “bad” or “wrong.”

The famous quote by Carl Jung, which I have quoted in both of my books and find myself saying all the time comes to mind here, “What you resist, persists.”  It seems that I (and so many people I know, work with, and talk to) am constantly “resisting” (more like fighting against) the way things are.  Whether it’s with our body, our work, our spouse, our family members, our friends, our co-workers, our finances, the state of the world and economy (especially these days), or many other things – we’re often arguing with reality instead of accepting it the way that it is.

Even though it can be scary and counter intuitive at times, acceptance is the first step in transformation.  It’s very difficult and quite stressful (as I know from experience) to try to change things from a place of non-acceptance.

Acceptance is not resignation, failure, or agreement; it’s simply telling the truth and allowing things to be as they are.  When we accept ourselves, others, and life – we can create a real sense of peace and let go of much of our suffering.  And, from this place of peace and truth, we’re more able to not only appreciate life, but also to manifest the kind of circumstances, relationships, and outcomes we truly want.

Action:  What You Can Do

Make a list (in your mind, in your journal, or on a piece of paper) of some of the things in your life right now that are causing you the most stress, pain, or anxiety.  These things may have to do with work, money, relationships, health, things happening in the world, your body, or anything else.

As you think about or write these things down, ask yourself if you’re willing to “accept” them as they are right now.  You don’t have to like, agree with, or want them to be this way…but, if you can start to accept these things, people, and situations in a genuine way – your ability to be at peace with them (and your life) and to ultimately change them in a positive way will be enhanced significantly.

What have you been unwilling to accept in your life?  How can practicing the power of acceptance create more peace, joy, and fulfillment for you right now? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

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