Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

acceptance

Want What You Have

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Most of us, even those of us who are supposed to know better, spend a lot of time and energy thinking that things will be better as soon as we achieve it. 

It might mean getting promoted, moving into a nicer place, making more money, getting married, having children, getting out of debt, finding more free time, losing some weight, starting our own business, getting the kids out of the house, retiring, or recovering from a specific injury, illness, or setback. Really, it’s about whatever we think we need to change in order to feel happy and fulfilled.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve put a lot more attention into thinking about what I want rather than wanting what I already have. Can you relate? If so, you might find it useful to refocus your attention on wanting what you already have. This doesn’t mean we let go of our desires and goals, it simply means we focus a bit more on all that we have to be grateful for.

How To Find Fulfillment In What You Have

There’s no denying that both positive and negative experiences have an impact on the way we feel about ourselves and our lives. However, it’s important to keep in mind that we always have a choice in how we relate to these circumstances—and that’s even true as we’re living through them.

So, sure, it might be nice to find a great new job, or a fantastic new relationship, or a wonderful new place to live. But those circumstances can’t and won’t make us happy all on their own—at least, not unless we choose that happiness for ourselves.

In other words, in order to find an authentic sense of fulfillment, we must learn to want what we already have and truly appreciate our lives as they are. One of my favorite and oft-used quotes is from author and teacher Byron Katie, who says, “When you argue with reality, you lose, but only one hundred percent of the time.” In other words, there’s strength in accepting things in our life as they are.

Of course, wanting what we have doesn’t mean pretending that everything is “perfect” about our lives—let’s face it, that’s rarely the case for anyone. Also, it doesn’t stop us from aspiring to change or evolve our lives in a more positive way. Rather, it’s about accepting and surrendering to the current circumstances of our lives with a greater sense of gratitude. When we make peace with our life as it is, we give ourselves a greater ability to move forward.

How To Want What You Have

Here are some specific questions to ask yourself when you’re dealing with the more challenging aspects of your life (also known as the stuff you don’t want):

  • Is there good in this situation that I’m not able to see at the moment?
  • What can I learn from this situation?
  • Why is this happening for (not to) me?
  • What would it look like if I surrendered myself to my reality rather than fighting against it?
  • What aspect(s) of myself can I appreciate more deeply?

By asking and answering these questions (and others like it), you’ll give yourself an opportunity to look more deeply at some of the challenges in your life. Hopefully, you’ll be able to realize that while these things may be challenging, they can also instigate growth and expansion, rather than just pain and suffering.

The vast majority of us are looking to find peace and joy within our lives, our work, and our relationships. However, it’s important to remember that we don’t find fulfillment from life itself. Rather, these feelings come from our ability to accept, appreciate, and celebrate the things that we already have.

Ultimately, when we focus more of our attention on wanting what we already have, and less of our attention on wanting what we don’t yet have, we come closer to living the life we truly want.

Do you want what you have? Where would focusing more on wanting what you have make a positive impact on your life?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more in the comments below.

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Accepting What Is

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Accepting what is…is one of the many important aspects of life that is much easier said than done.

For much of my life, I’ve struggled to accept certain things about myself, others, and the world around me. As someone who’s committed to change and transformation, the idea of “acceptance” has often seemed weak or passive to me in a way that’s been hard for me to reconcile.

It can be difficult, at times, to accept our reality, especially when there are things we want to change for the better. However, when we accept what is, we aren’t accepting defeat. Rather, we’re taking the first steps to making lasting and positive change.

Accepting The Power of Acceptance

There’s a famous quote by the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung: “What you resist, persists.”

It seems that many of us “resist” the way things are. Whether it’s with our body, our work, our spouse, our family members, our friends, our co-workers, our money, or the even state of the world and economy, often we find ourselves arguing with reality instead of accepting what is.

Not only do we resist acceptance, we often fear it. We worry that if we accept the things we wish to change, then we won’t be motivated to follow through on that change. Ultimately, we get scared that acceptance means things won’t change.

Acceptance is not an act of resignation or agreement—rather, it’s an act of truth-telling. When we accept things the way they are, we’re able to create a real sense of peace. From there, we can let go of much of our suffering. In fact, it’s from this place of honesty that we’re able to create the kind of circumstances, relationships, and outcomes we truly want, too.

Take Action: Practice Acceptance

Here is something specific you can do to practice acceptance in a real way.

First, make a list of some of the things in your life right now that are causing you the most stress, pain, or anxiety. These things may have to do with people, work, money, health, things happening in the world, or anything else.

After you finish your list, go through each item and ask yourself if you’re willing to “accept” these things as they are right now. This doesn’t mean that you have to like them, agree with them, or even want them to be this way, of course.  It simply means that you’re willing to accept them as they are right now.

With some of the things on this list, it may be fairly easy to find acceptance, and with others it may be more difficult.  For the ones that are more challenging, you can talk it through with a friend, mentor, coach, or therapist.  You can also journal, pray, or meditate about the things that are hard to accept.

By accepting these things as they are, you’ll find a greater ability to be at peace with them. From there, your ability to change them in a positive way will be enhanced significantly.

What can you do to accept things as they are in your life right now? How do you accept what is? Share your thoughts, challenges, ideas, and questions below in the comments.

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Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

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My friend and colleague, Dr. Robert Holden, poignantly says, “There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.”

Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual’s acceptance of all of their attributes, positive or negative.”

So much of our life and our work is focused on self-improvement.  And while there’s nothing wrong with us wanting to improve ourselves – too often we go about it erroneously thinking that if we achieve the improvement we’re after, we’ll then feel good about ourselves.

But it actually doesn’t work that way.

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

Self-improvement and self-acceptance are both vital in a balanced life. Self-acceptance promotes inner peace while self-improvement fuels progress. It’s important to find a harmonious balance between the two to lead to genuine self-empowerment.

This balance can be tricky. In today’s world – especially with everyone posting the highlight reels of their lives on social media – it’s easy to compare ourselves to others.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with self-improvement.  We turn on the TV, surf the web, look at magazines, browse through our feeds, take classes, read books, listen to others, and more – constantly getting various messages that if we just fixed or improved ourselves a bit, we’d be better off.  How often do you find yourself thinking some version of, “If I just lost a little weight, made a little more money, improved my health, had more inspiring work, lived in a nicer place, improved my relationships (or something else), then I’d be happy.” Even though I know better, this type of thinking shows up inside my own head more often than I’d like.

The paradox of self-improvement is that by accepting ourselves as we are, we give ourselves the space, permission, and opportunity to create an authentic sense of success and fulfillment.  When we insatiably focus on improving ourselves, thinking that it will ultimately lead us to a place of happiness, we’re almost always disappointed and we set up a stressful dynamic of constantly striving, but never quite getting there.

What if we gave ourselves permission to accept ourselves fully, right now?  While this is a simple concept, it’s one of the many things in life that’s easier said than done.

Why Do We Resist Self-Acceptance?

One of the biggest pieces of resistance we have regarding self-acceptance is that we erroneously think that by accepting ourselves, we may somehow be giving up.  It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Okay, I’ll accept myself, once all of my problems and issues go away.”

Another reason we resist accepting ourselves is the notion that somehow acceptance is resignation.  It’s not.  Acceptance is acceptance – it’s about allowing things to be as they are, even if we don’t like them.  As Byron Katie says (and I often quote), “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

The paradox of self-acceptance lies in the realization that embracing our true selves, including our current circumstances, qualities, and imperfections, opens the door to genuine personal growth and positive transformation.

By acknowledging who we are without judgment, we create an authentic space for change to occur naturally. However, when we become fixated on demanding changes solely to achieve happiness, self-esteem, or success, we often find ourselves frustrated and unfulfilled. True progress arises from a foundation of self-acceptance, where inner contentment allows us to organically pursue meaningful improvements, leading to a more genuine and satisfying journey of self-discovery.

If you take a moment right now to think about some of the most important changes you’re attempting to make in your life, ask yourself this question, “What would it look like, feel like, and be like for me to fully accept myself in these important areas?”

Often, our biggest obstacles to making meaningful changes, achieving success, and finding fulfillment, stem from self-criticism, the pursuit of perfection, and impatience. These self-imposed barriers hinder our progress and overshadow our potential for growth and accomplishment.

By learning to embrace self-compassion, accepting that perfection is not attainable, and practicing patience, we create a nurturing environment for personal development and genuine fulfillment. Letting go of harsh self-judgment allows us to focus on the journey rather than fixating on outcomes, enabling us to appreciate the incremental steps and learn from setbacks along the way. In doing so, we unlock the true potential within ourselves to thrive and prosper.

What if we changed our approach, and with as much love, compassion, and vulnerability as possible, just accepted ourselves exactly as we are, right now?

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This article was published in 2013 and updated for 2023.

Live Like You’re Going to Die (Because You Are)

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As much as we don’t like to think about it or talk about it, the fact is, we’re all going to die one day.

The reality of death is, of course, both obvious and daunting for most of us.  

I used to wonder what it’s like to know you’re going to die – but then I realized that we’re all going to die. We just don’t act like it. 

As simple as this thought is, it is extremely profound for me.  I don’t live my life all that consciously aware of my own death.  My own fears about death (mine and others) often force me to avoid thinking about it all together.  I do catch myself worrying about dying; sometimes more often than I’d like to admit, especially when I think about Michelle and our daughters, Samantha and Rosie.

I sometimes worry that it’s too weird, intense, or scary to talk about death or that it’s somehow a bad omen to do so.

We have a lot of strange notions about death in our culture. The concept itself can be intimidating and goes against so much of what we obsess about (youth, productivity, vitality, results, beauty, improvement, the future, etc.).

But what if we embraced death, talked about it more, and shared our own vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and questions about it?  

Why You Should Live Like You’re Going to Die

While for some of us this may seem uncomfortable, undesirable, or even scary – think how liberating it would be to face the reality of death. To live like you’re going to die. 

Contemplating death in a conscious way doesn’t have to freak us out.  Knowing that our human experience is limited and that at some mysterious point in the future our physical body will die, is both sobering and liberating.

I’ve always appreciated memorial services, even when I’ve been in deep pain and grief over the death of someone close to me. I enjoy them because there is a powerful consciousness which often surrounds death. 

When someone passes away we often feel increased permission to get real, be vulnerable, and to focus on what’s most important (not the ego-based fear, comparison, and self-criticism that often runs our lives).

What if we tapped into this empowering awareness all the time – not just because someone close to us dies or because we have our own near-death experience, but because we choose to affirm life and appreciate the blessing, gift, and opportunity that it is?

How to Live Like You’re Going to Die

Here are some things we can think about, focus on, and do on a regular basis that will allow us to live like we’re going to die, in a positive way:

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

As my late friend and mentor Richard Carlson reminded millions of us through his bestselling series of books with this great title, life is not an emergency. Most of the stuff we worry about, get upset about, and obsess about is not that big of a deal.  

If we lived as if we were dying, we probably wouldn’t let so many small things bother us.

Let Go of Grudges

One of my favorite sayings is, “holding a grudge is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die.”  

Everyone loses when we hold a grudge, especially us.  Consider this: if you were aware of your impending death, would you genuinely want to spend your precious time and energy holding onto anger and resentment towards those around you or people from your past (regardless of what they may have done)? 

Forgiveness is powerful – it’s not about condoning anything, it’s about liberation and freedom.

Focus on What Truly Matters

What truly matters to you?  Love? Family? Relationships? Service? Creativity? Spirituality? 

Our authentic contemplation of death can help us answer this important question in a poignant way.  If you found out you only had a limited time left to live, what would you stop doing right now?  What would you want to focus on instead?  

And while we all have certain responsibilities in life, asking ourselves what truly matters to us and challenging ourselves to focus on that, right now, is one of the most important things we can do.

Go For It

Fear of failure often stops us from going for what we truly want in life.  From a certain perspective (the ego-based, physical, material world) death can be seen as the ultimate “failure” and is often related to that way in our culture, even though people don’t usually talk about it in these blunt terms.  However, this perspective can actually liberate us.  

If we know we’re ultimately going to “fail” in life (in terms of living forever), what have we really got to lose by taking big risks?  We all know how things are going to turn out in the end.  As I heard in a workshop many years ago, “Most of us are trying to survive life; we have to remember that no one ever has.”

Seize the Day

Carpe diem, the Latin phrase for “seize the day,” is all about being right here, right now.  The more willing we are to surrender to the present moment, embrace it, and fully experience it – the more we can appreciate and enjoy life.  

As John Lennon famously said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”  

Embracing a mindset of living as if every moment were our last entails cherishing the present, expressing gratitude for its preciousness, and avoiding excessive preoccupation with the past or future. Imagine if today were your final day on Earth. How would you choose to embrace life?

Death can be difficult and scary for many of us to confront. There is a lot of fear, resistance, and taboo surrounding it in our culture and for many of us personally. 

However, when we acknowledge death as a natural and inevitable part of life, we are reminded that each person’s existence, regardless of its duration, is inherently brief, invaluable, and awe-inspiring. This realization has the power to profoundly and positively transform our thoughts, emotions, and relationships with ourselves, others, and the world. 

Embracing a mindset of living with the awareness of our mortality (and remembering that death is guaranteed) is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and the people who mean the most to us.

How can you start living your life more conscious of your own death, in a positive and empowering way?  What can you do right now to let go of what’s not important, focus on what truly matters, and seize the day? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

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This article was published in 2011 and updated for 2023.

 

Why Taking Breaks Is So Important

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In today’s busy world with a never-ending “to-do” list of obligations, responsibilities, and commitments, it can be hard for us to take a real break. 

But taking breaks in the midst of the daily grind is vital for our mental, physical, and emotional health.

Why Taking Breaks is So Important

Wherever you are in your career and life, it’s essential to build in time to rest, relax, and rejuvenate.

We used to get built-in breaks when we were in school (winter, spring, summer, and more), but in the real world, it can be a lot tougher to take time off, especially these past few years. Even if we do get vacation days, it can be hard to really disconnect and some of us even fear taking time off. 

As I grew my own business, got married, and built a family, I began to see both the necessity and difficulty of carving out downtime.

Taking breaks means giving ourselves permission to unplug and let go, which is actually easier said than done for many of us. It gives us a chance to rest our brains, shift our daily habits, and let our minds wander.  Doing these things are essential for our relationships, work, wellbeing, and creativity.

We are never promised tomorrow, and no one is sure what each day will bring. 

I’ve experienced quite a bit of loss and grief in my life.  As hard and painful as this can be, it does force us to stop and reflect on our own lives. It makes us ask why we’re doing what we’re doing and what really matters.

We all have deadlines, commitments, meetings, projects, and other things that are important. But we never know what’s going to happen. Tomorrow is not promised. That’s why it’s important to rest in between all of our activities and ambitions. 

A break can be a nice vacation, or it can just be something simple, such as going for a quiet walk or reading a book. 

You don’t have to plan an elaborate getaway, as nice as those can be. A break can be as simple as disconnecting for a few minutes to stare out the window and appreciate your life.

I keep one journal for thoughts/feelings and another specifically for gratitude. I find when I take the time to write in these books, it always gives me a nice built-in time for reflection. 

Doing little things like journaling, or even going on a walk and being present with yourself and your surroundings can make a difference.

Staying busy can be a way to distract ourselves from our own feelings. 

We have so many ways to numb and distract ourselves these days, especially with work, technology, social media, and more. Feeling our feelings can be hard, painful, and scary, but that’s where the juice of life happens. 

The more time we give to fully feeling all of our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, the more quickly we move through them.

We’re all in this together.

When we get down to the essence of who we are as human beings, we may be different in so many ways, yet we all know what it’s like to feel universal emotions like joy, sadness, gratitude, fear, peacefulness, anger, love, and more.

When we take breaks, we allow ourselves to get in touch with our humanity and who we really are.  This helps us check in with ourselves and in turn allows us to connect more authentically with others.

As busy as we all are and as much as is coming at us all the time, it’s essential for us to slow down, step back, and engage with ourselves and each other in a conscious and deliberate way.  Doing this reminds us that even though it may not always seem like it, we truly are all in this together.

 

Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

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