Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

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The Importance of Self-Trust

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How well do you trust yourself?

For most of us, myself included, self-trust can be tricky.

Many of us second guess ourselves. We don’t listen to our gut, trust our instincts, or we hang onto negative memories or regrets from the past. These things and others can make it difficult for us to trust ourselves and thus create challenges in our relationships, work, and lives.

But you’re not alone. Lack of self-trust, while debilitating in many ways, is quite common. We all doubt ourselves sometimes – but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. It’s perfectly normal.

So how do you stop doubting yourself and start living an authentic life full of self-love, confidence, and truth?

Like most important aspects of our life and growth, the first step in our expansion process is to notice and tell the truth about why it can be difficult.

In the case of self-trust, once we can honestly acknowledge our challenges (and have some compassion for ourselves), we can consciously choose to trust ourselves in a more authentic way.

When we bring some mindful self-awareness and get curious about why we doubt ourselves or lack self-trust, that’s when we begin to learn about ourselves, our insecurities, and what we can do to grow as human beings.

What makes it difficult or challenging for you to trust yourself fully?

Take a moment to consider this question. The more compassionately aware we can be, the more likely we can move beyond it and let go of our “story” about why we can’t trust ourselves.

How to Build Self-Trust

Here are a few things you can do to enhance your ability to trust yourself:

1) Listen to yourself

We all have inner wisdom. Some refer to this as our intuition, others call it our gut, and others relate to it as our higher consciousness. Whether you call it one or all of these things (or something else), I believe that we’re all very intuitive. A big part of trusting ourselves is understanding that we each have a deep sense of what is true and right for us in most situations. As we practice listening to this inner wisdom (through meditation, prayer, quiet time, breath, conscious thought, and more), we begin to trust ourselves on a deeper level.

2) Don’t be afraid to fall

Remember: we all fail sometimes – but that doesn’t mean that we should ever give up on pursuing our dreams and goals. Be willing to take risks, go for it, and make mistakes. When you fall, get back up. So often, we don’t try things because we think we might fail. I love Wayne Gretzkey’s famous quote about this: “I missed 100% of the shots I never took.” While it can be scary for us to take risks in life, one of the greatest ways we can build our capacity for self-trust is to go for it, even if we fail. As we build up our ability to take risks, we also grow our capacity for courage, expanding our ability to trust ourselves.

3) Forgive yourself

Many of us live in a constant state of guilt, disappointment, or shame, which is not the healthiest way to live. We’re only human. We make mistakes, and we learn from them. One of the main reasons we don’t trust ourselves is that we haven’t forgiven ourselves for mistakes we’ve made, the pain we’ve caused, or the regrets we have. These demons from our past haunt us, and we use them as evidence to not go for things and not trust ourselves. As we enhance our capacity to forgive ourselves, we heal from the past and breathe new life into our experience, creating a genuine sense of enthusiasm for both the present moment and our future. And, as we’re able to forgive ourselves, we can let go of our attachment to being perfect and having to do everything just right, which allows us to trust ourselves more freely.

Are You Struggling With Self-Trust?

Here are a few other things you can do to boost your self-trust:

  • Be decisive
  • Honor your emotions
  • Set reasonable goals
  • Be kind to yourself
  • Practice self-care
  • Be yourself
  • Spend time with yourself
  • Take risks
  • Reward yourself

Think of something important in your life right now – a decision you’ve been on the fence about because you’re worried about making the wrong choice (i.e., not trusting yourself).

Given what we’ve been discussing here, what would you do regarding this vital issue if you fully trusted yourself? I bet if you listen to your inner wisdom, allow yourself to take a risk, and know that you can forgive yourself no matter what happens – the answer to the question, “What should I do?” is probably pretty clear.

What can you do to enhance your self-trust and listen to your inner wisdom more? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more here on my blog below.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

Liked this post? Here are three more!

Are You Bringing Your Whole Self to Work?
Prioritizing Our Mental Health
Facing Challenges: How to Appreciate and Learn From Them

This article was published on January 29, 2015, and updated for 2021.

Step Out of Your Box

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One of our greatest sources of authentic power in life comes from our willingness and ability to act – especially in the face of obstacles and fear.  To be truly successful and fulfilled, we must challenge ourselves to take bold and courageous actions and to go for what we want.  Legendary author Ray Bradbury said, “First you jump off the cliff and then you build your wings on the way down.”

In the summer of 1998 I was in the midst of a major life transition.  I’d blown out my pitching arm a little over a year earlier and had gotten released by the Kansas City Royals that March.  I was home in Oakland, CA collecting workers comp insurance (and not working), recovering from simultaneous elbow and shoulder surgery that I’d had at the start of that summer, reeling from what was sure to be the end of my dream of becoming a Major League baseball player (even after my arm rehab was completed), and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

Throughout that spring and summer, I read numerous self help books that inspired me – both by what I learned from them personally and also by the idea of being able to write books like that and help people myself.  I would wander into bookstores and find myself drawn to the personal development section – both to look for new books for me to read and also because I had a deep yearning to be involved in that world myself.

Given my age at the time, twenty-four, my lack of experience, and the fact that I had no idea how one would even begin a career as a self-help author and motivational speaker, I felt discouraged, scared, and confused.  Being an author and a speaker one day seemed like a pipe-dream.  And, in the weeks and months ahead I knew I’d need to make some important decisions about what to do and what specific steps to take as I ventured out into the “real world” for the very first time.

On July 11th, 1998 I had a conversation on the phone with my Uncle Steve that as I look back on it now, was a pivotal moment in the course of my life and my work.  That day on the phone, I shared with him some of my deepest fears, dreams, confusion, and desires for my life and my future.  I told him that I thought I wanted to be an author and speaker who could help and inspire people, but that I didn’t know how to do that, where to start, or what I could do in my life right away that would lead me in that direction.

Steve challenged me and said, “For you to do this Mike, you’re going to have to ‘step out’ and be bold in your life.  It’s not a one-time thing; it’s a day-by-day process.  The question to ask yourself today and every day is, ‘What am I willing to do today to step out in life’?”

This question that Steve asked me, while simple to understand, challenged me to my core – both inspiring me and scaring me at the same time.  I wasn’t sure how to answer that question at the time, but thought about it quite a bit.

I got a job that fall working for a dot-com, but my dream of writing, speaking, leading workshops, and coaching people stayed with me.  Over those next few years, Steve would send me notes and post cards from time to time with just the words “Step Out” on them.  It became a mantra for me.

Even though I knew the job I had selling internet advertising was not my “calling,” I chose to be grateful for what I was learning and the money I was making.  At the same time I began to look outside of my current job for places where I could “step out” towards my deeper passion and dream of helping people.  I did this in as many ways as I could – taking workshops, volunteering, reaching out to established authors, speakers, and coaches, talking to people about my goals and dreams, reading books, and much more.

When I got laid off from my dot-com in the middle of 2000 – Steve’s question reverberated within me deeply.  I knew that the bold thing for me to do at that point, even though I still didn’t have a clue about how to go about it, was to “step out” of my “box,” take a huge leap, and do what I could to become a speaker, coach, and author.

It wasn’t easy and there were many times I wanted to quit – but I kept challenging myself to be bold and to go for it, even when I didn’t think I could.  It took me six months from the time I got laid off to launch my speaking and coaching business, another two or three years before I was able to establish myself in any significant way, and seven years before I published my first book.

Stepping out of our own “box” is essential to living an authentic and fulfilled life. We often don’t think we’re “ready,” we may not know exactly what we’re supposed to do, and we almost never have a guarantee that things will work out.

Will we get scared?  Of course.  Will we fail?  Most likely, especially at first.  As the cliche says, “no risk, no reward.”  When we’re willing to put ourselves at risk and go for what we truly want in a bold way, amazing things can happen.

Stepping out of our box in life doesn’t always involve something big like changing careers, moving to a new place, starting a business, ending a relationship, or traveling around the world (although it could). It simply means we’re willing to do, say, or act in a way that is new, different, and/or vulnerable. When we choose to push past our perceived limits and go for it in life – we always grow and learn, regardless of the outcome.

As you do this, make sure to get support, have compassion, and be gentle with yourself in the process.  While it can be scary and often counter-intuitive – we’re here to grow, expand, and evolve and one of the most important things we can do in this regard to is to step out of our box in a conscious and bold way!

What are you willing to do today to step out of your box and go for what you really want in your life?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

Are You Choosing Unhappy Over Uncertain?

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I’ve been re-reading Tim Ferriss’ great book The Four Hour Workweek, which has been expanding my mind and giving me lots of great ideas.  In the book, Ferriss states that “most people choose to be unhappy rather than uncertain.”

As I began to reflect on this bold and somewhat critical statement, I realized how true it is for me in certain aspects of my life and work.  While I like to think of myself as someone who boldly takes risks and tries new things, there are clearly places in my life where I avoid change, suffer with “how things are,” and allow fear to stop me from doing things differently (even if the way I’m currently doing things isn’t really working).  Can you relate?

Change is a funny thing.  Most of us seek it and fear it at the same time.  Especially in the past year or two, with so much change and fear swirling around us – at work, in the media, in our families, and more – it seems as though many of us have gotten even more risk-adverse.  And while this makes sense given the nature of the economy and other circumstances, our risk-aversion isn’t making us happier and more fulfilled, in fact it usually has the opposite effect.

Ironically, wherever we find ourselves on the risk continuum (i.e. someone who takes lots of risks, someone who rarely does, or somewhere in between), we all have had lots of experience with risk, change, and stepping into uncertainty.  And while we often dwell more on the times we’ve taken risks and failed (and use these “negative” experiences as justification for not doing things differently or being bold), most of us have way more successes than failures when it comes to change.

Think of some of the things you’ve done in your life that felt risky at the time, but in hindsight you’re so glad that you did them (i.e. they really worked out and/or you learned a great deal in the process).  Things rarely seem as scary when we reflect on them in the past – it’s the stuff that confronts us in the moment or the things we worry may happen in the future that cause us the most anxiety.  However, looking back at our past risks, successes, and even failures can give us confidence as we move through our lives in the present moment.  As the saying goes, “If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger.”

Right now for so many people, teams, and organizations I work with – as well as many of my friends and family members (including myself), what’s necessary and essential for us to live lives of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment, is to consciously step out of our comfort zone, take more risks, and be willing to be choose uncertainty over unhappiness.

Can taking risks be scary?  Yes!  Will things work out?  Not always.  Is our level of fulfillment in life directly connected to our ability (or inability) to lean into uncertainty?  Absolutely!

Where in your life are you choosing “unhappy” over “uncertain?”  What could you do to boldly lean into uncertainty and in the process claim more of your power, passion, and fulfillment?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Are You Willing to Be Uncomfortable?

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How comfortable are you with being uncomfortable?  I know this may seem like a paradoxical question, but it’s not.  In fact, Michelle and I took a workshop this past weekend where they emphasized the importance of being uncomfortable – related to expanding our growth, success, fulfillment, and more.

Over the past few days I’ve been taking some real inventory of my own life and looking at how willing (or unwilling) I am to be uncomfortable myself.  I notice that in certain areas of my life, I’m quite willing to be uncomfortable; while in others, not so much.

There seems to be a direct relationship between my willingness to be uncomfortable and how much excitement, creativity, and abundance I experience in a particular area of my life (both now and in the past).  In other words, the more willing I am to be uncomfortable, the more I find myself growing, accomplishing, and transforming.  On the flip side, the less willing I am to be uncomfortable, the more stress, resignation, and suffering I experience.

Our egos are highly trained at keeping us “safe” and making sure we avoid any and all “risks.”  However, it’s difficult (if not impossible) for us to take our lives, our work, and our relationships to where we truly want them to be if we’re not willing to be uncomfortable in the process.

Being uncomfortable doesn’t necessarily mean that things have to be overly painful, dramatic, or challenging (although sometimes they will).  When we’re uncomfortable it’s usually because we’re doing or saying something new, we have something important at stake, or we’re taking an essential risk. These are all beautiful and critical aspects of life and growth.  Think of the most important areas of your life, your work, and your relationships – I bet there were and still are elements of these important things that are uncomfortable for you.

When we’re willing to be uncomfortable, we lean into our fear, try new things, and go for it in a bold and authentic way.  It doesn’t mean we know exactly what we’re doing (in many cases we won’t).  It also doesn’t mean we won’t fail (which, of course, we will at times).

We all have the capacity to be uncomfortable – we’ve been doing it our entire life (learning to walk, talk, ride a bike, drive a car, do our work, and so much more).  However, instead of trying to “survive” the uncomfortable aspects of life – what if we embraced them, acknowledged ourselves for our willingness, and even sought out new, unique, and growth-inducing ways to make ourselves uncomfortable consciously?

Here are a few things you can think about and do to enhance your own willingness to be uncomfortable.

1) Take inventory of your life. Where are you willing to be uncomfortable and where are you not?  The more honest you can be with yourself about your own willingness (or lack thereof), the more able you’ll be to make some important adjustments and changes.  Be authentic and compassionate with yourself as you make this inquiry.

2) Identify your fears. There is always a specific fear (or a set of fears) that exists underneath all of our resistance.  When we’re not willing to be uncomfortable, it’s usually because we’re scared.  If we can admit, own, and express our fears in an honest and vulnerable way, we can liberate ourselves from their negative grip.

3) Create support and accountability around you. The best way I know of to challenge ourselves and step out of our comfort zone, is to elicit the support of others and make sure we get them to hold us accountable.  There may be important things for you to do – that you know will take your life, work, and relationships to the next level – but they seem intimidating (i.e. uncomfortable).  Getting people you trust and respect to help you, coach you, and push you is one of the best ways to make it happen – even and especially if you’re not sure how, or worried you can’t do it.

Being uncomfortable is, well, uncomfortable.  But, it’s one of the most important things for us to embrace if we want to live a life of real meaning, purpose, and passion.

How willing are you to be uncomfortable?  What can you do right now to consciously step into being uncomfortable for the purpose of your growth, expansion, and fulfillment?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

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