How do you feel about change? If you’re anything like me, you probably have mixed feelings about it. While it often depends on our perception of the type of change – big or small, good or bad, needed or unnecessary, easy or hard, etc. – most of us seek and fear change simultaneously.
I’ve recently been dealing with quite a bit of change in my life – both big and small. Building my new website, which on the one hand is a pretty small change in the scheme of things, ended up being a very big change for me and allowed me to take a deeper look at a number of things about myself, including my relationship to change in general.
The decision to create a new website was pretty simple and clear – my old one was outdated and a new one was long overdue. In practical terms, not having an updated website was probably costing me some business and credibility. In addition, the type of website needed for my business is pretty simple and straightforward.
However, the actual process of creating the new website (even though it’s something I’ve done a few times in the past and was eager to do now on many levels) posed two major challenges for me personally.
First of all, I tend to be a creature of habit, especially when it comes to things I don’t totally understand or have the skills to do myself (like build new websites). Instead of embracing change with technology, I often find myself avoiding the uncomfortable feelings associated with not knowing things or being dependent upon others to do what I don’t have the skills to do myself.
Second of all, the biggest reason I’ve avoided creating a new website for the past few years has been my resistance to getting new photos taken and new videos filmed. As I’ve written about before, one of the most significant ways self criticism shows up in my life is related to my appearance. Getting photos taken and watching video of myself has never been my favorite thing, but in the past few years it has become even more challenging for me as my aging process has included the thinning of my hair – a change I’ve had a hard time embracing and something I’ve definitely considered “bad.”
The thought of getting new photos taken and posting updated videos of myself online has often been accompanied by the voice of my inner-adolescent saying mean things to me like, “You’re ugly,” “People will laugh at you,” “No one will take you seriously,” “You don’t look as good as you used to,” “You should be ashamed of yourself,” and more. Not fun or kind at all – maybe you can relate to this in your own life?
While I have chosen to “embrace” the change in my appearance in my real life by shaving off most of what’s left of the hair on my head, something about posting new photos and videos on my website seemed even more scary and real to me – hence my resistance and fear to actually doing it for the past few years.
Going through the process of confronting these fears (i.e. getting the new photos and videos done) wasn’t all that easy or fun. However, like most things in life, facing these fears has been incredibly liberating and not nearly as painful as I thought it would be.
While I can’t honestly say that I’ve completely transformed my relationship to my appearance and made peace with how I look, I can say that this process has been a big step for me in embracing the changes to my appearance (and to myself overall), and has enhanced my capacity for embracing change in general at a deeper level.
Our ability or inability to deal with change effectively is directly related to our relationship to change and our relationship to ourselves. We spend a great deal of time focusing on the circumstances, situations, and details of the particular changes we’re facing, instead of taking a deeper look at what’s going on for us emotionally, which is where both the impact and the resiliency needed to deal with the change exists.
Here are a few things to think about and do to enhance your ability to embrace change:
– Acknowledge and express your emotions. Change is fundamentally an emotional phenomenon, much more than a practical or logistical one. Whenever we’re dealing with change – big or small, good or bad – it’s our emotions that drive both our experience as well as our effectiveness in dealing with it (or lack thereof). The more willing we are to acknowledge, own, and express the real emotions we’re feeling in relation to the change itself, the more able we are to both move through and learn from the change we’re facing in a positive way.
– Get support from others. It’s always easier to deal with change when we remember that we’re not alone. Whether it’s practical support, emotional support, or both – we always have people around us we can reach out to and ask for help. Many things that are scary and challenging for us are easy for others. Remembering that we can lean on others when we’re going through change is essential for our own well-being, sanity, and overall success.
– Take conscious and courageous action. Staying in action, in a conscious and courageous way, is an essential aspect of moving through change effectively. We sometimes get stuck in fear, perfectionism, or both. When we stop taking action, it’s easy for the critical voice in our head (the “Gremlin”) to take over and convince us that we can’t do it, everything is messed up, it won’t work out, etc. If we let the Gremlin take over, we give away our power. By staying in action and doing so in a mindful and bold way (not simply rushing around to avoid our feelings or just doing things in our comfort zones), we remind ourselves that we have the power to deal with whatever change we’re facing. As the late Susan Jeffers taught us all through her bestselling book, one of the best things we can do in life is “feel the fear, and do it anyway.”
As the saying goes, “the only constant in life is change.” It seems that now more than ever, so many of us are dealing with change in our lives personally, professionally, and all around us. If we’re willing to address these changes with a sense of authenticity, compassion, and courage – remembering that it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being real – we give ourselves a chance to not only deal with change effectively, but to embrace it in a way that allows us to grow, develop, and become more of who we truly are.
What changes are you currently facing? How are you embracing them (or not)? What support do you need? Share your thoughts, insights, comments, questions, or advice here on my blog in the “leave a reply” section below!
I have always believed things happen for a reasom. Like this womderful article that showed up in my email this morning. I have changed jobs after 22 years and am moving from the place where I was born and raised, leaving behind grown children, family, colleauges and “stuff”. While there is fear of the unknown, your article confirmed that embracing change assits in the reduction of that fear and in doing so provides a huge sense of accomplishment.
Thanks Mike for the new website, writing the article and sharing your fears. By the way, the photos are great!!!
Thanks Sherrie! I appreciate your comment…good luck with your job change! Glad this post resonated with you…
thanks for being so vulnerable, raw and truthful about what developing the new website brought up to bring out of you. One of the best things I see from it, is that you can now be more fully in sync with your two books; Focus on the Good Stuff and Be Yourself!
I applaud you for your honesty, moving through the process, no matter what! Bravo!
Thanks Harriet!
Thank you, Mike! Perfect timing for sharing your experiences with change. Best to you and your family!
You are welcome McBee – thanks for your comment…hope you are well!
Great new site, Mike. Love the videos. At the airport gate (after thanking the tsa guy) and enjoying the real you. Enjoy the ride, my friend.
Thanks Barry!
Mike,
The Buddha could be said to be overweight, the Dali Llama has thinning hair, and Gandhi was not a particularly good looking man.
But that has never been what comes to mind when I think of them.
Short hair is fashion. Great smile and words to match.
M
Thank you Martin – I appreciate your wisdom and insight!
Mike, I always find your self-examinations illuminating, as we have several things in common.
I like your point that we both fear and seek change. Changing jobs is hard. Submitting one’s application and resume, to be ignored again is hard. Putting it out again anyway is hard. Yet staying is stifling and can prevent growth.
After many years out of music, I am now working with my talented partner. Not necessarily much fun for me, as it involves still and video cameras. I’ve never, ever been photogenic and as I have aged, I don’t look as nice, either, and I’m heavier. Plus, it’s virtually impossible to reduce, exacerbating my concern over appearance.
Maybe we’re all much, much more similar than we realize.
Yes Cindy, we are all much more similar than we realize. Thanks for your comment and vulnerability!
Hey!…We missed you. Don’t take that long again!!!
In fact, you look better with your hair thin, just like now.
You. Need. To Come.To Dallas!!!!!!!!!!!
Love how you write!
Thanks Diana 🙂
Mike,
your topic of change & how to best deal with it is so close to our daily lives, I am glad you wrote so much about it. We all have to face it but not many people write about it so detailed.
My emotions rise when I have no (ideal fitting)text so say in new situations. On one side we´re so automatically wired with what, when to say to master situations but once we go out to step onto new land we feel like being pulled back for about 20 years.
We literally feel we are beginners, we don´t feel the flow of “how to” which is always with us. No, suddenly we are alone. I think it´s this loneliness which makes us vulnerable. It´s the silence which took place next to us, while the professional left. Change means our professional self leaves the scene and we are on our own. Pretty much alone.
…..and yes, I am facing change and some load!
2013 will be my transition year – I will start a speakers career and add becoming a consultant on top to my daily life which I spend in an office behind a desk. Dreams and the advice of being an entrepreneur type pulls me forward. I need change, I ask for it, I cry for it, I feel for it, I long for it I am going to reach it. Fact.
I have some text, 50% of what I know and use it fine for this new platform. I will have to add some more but that will be delivered by those who ask for my support. The new text will be delivered by the collaboration law of give & take.
I enjoyed reading your BLOGpost!
rita
Good stuff Rita – thank you!
Mike – I’m always amazed by how connected I feel to your posts. It’s as if you know where I am in my life at the moment. As many have said before me, we are all so similar especially when it comes to our “inner-gremelin-voice.” To embrace change means to embrace life, yes? Hiding from or shrinking in fear leads only to missed opportunities and self-actualization. This is it… the one life we get while on this planet, it’s up to us as individuals to live it to the fullest! Change is scary…it’s possibilities are endless!
And, for the record – it’s your great smile that lights up a room and connects with people immediately, which allows you to impart your message (whatever it may be) at a much deeper level…not your hair. 🙂
Joann
Joann…thanks for your comment! Yes, the Gremlin is pretty universal for all of us. I appreciate your perspective and insight, and your kind words 🙂 Be well…
Thank you, I’ve just been searching for info about this topic for ages and yours is the best I have came upon so far. However, what concerning the bottom line? Are you sure about the source?|What i don’t realize is in reality how you are no longer actually much more neatly-favored than you might be now. You’re so intelligent.
Hi Mike,
Thanks for sharing your story and insights on change. Change happens to me whether I like it or not. I’ve found that when I avoid change, it usually ends being a more painful process to go work through. When I embrace change and face it head on along with my fears and emotions etc., it always goes smoother with better results and I feel better for having taking action.
Thanks Derek – yes, so true!
Hi Mike,It’s good to hear from you, and honestly, your hair or lack of it, is not a factor for me. There is a whole lot more of you than that. Aging is a great equalizer, it is the most wanted stage in life, in general, yet no one wants to change their looks, state of health, and all the changes that come with aging, but everyone wants to live for a very long time. I am 83 years old and have felt many changes, went deeper in my appreciation for life and made peace with the changes, and you will too. Your website is great, your writing as meaningful and let your warmth to come through. Good wishes for you and your family. With thanks, Clea
Thank you Clea – I appreciate your wisdom, kindness, and perspective. Blessings…
I have just read this and want to let you know you that I honestly think you look better and younger with your hair shaved. And that you’re a really good looking man, with a very pleasant appearance.
Thanks 🙂
Hi Mike!
Thank you for sharing the latest eZine…you did a GREAT job on the new website, I love it!!!
Okay, I know you are not fishing for compliments, BUT I feel compelled to tell you what a beautiful, handsome man you are. I can’t relate to what you are feeling with hair loss, but in the 5+ years I’ve known you, I have ALWAYS found you to exude confidence, sensitivity, emotion and yes (I know you’re married)…sex appeal. Your gleaming smile, warm personality, fearless/open honesty, and those sparkly baby blues of yours say more about the true beauty and essence that make your spirit so attractive. And by the way, great pix!!!
I’m probably old enough to babysit you (lol) and have been dealing with aging too. I’ve been blessed (and very much appreciate) the aesthetic “package” that allows me to move and express myself in this physical world. Yet I grew up being hyper critical, of myself AND others. Not a nice feature. As a 40th birthday present to myself, I began practicing yoga. One of the MANY benefits of my practice (now almost 12 years!!!) is that it got me out of my head and opened my heart, allowing me to practice “acceptance, love, compassion, kindness,” not only toward others, but to MYSELF. True, my face is showing lines, and I’m busy fighting the gray, but I’m SO comfortable with myself and feel graceful in my physical body. I realize that my spirit and natural being exude from a healthy, vibrant place…and that I will NEVER look this good again (because every day it’s another wrinkle or something). So, I’m reveling in the LONGEST prime ever! I think it’s happening gracefully and I’m “accepting of the changes.” People are surprised when they learn my age. With a lot of practice, I’m healthy and happy, inside and out!!!
Mike, thank you for sharing, and for your honesty. I’ve enjoyed reading your books, seeing you in person and your “semi-monthly” e-mails.
Best to you in all your endeavors, including self-acceptance!
I APPRECIATE YOU!!! 🙂
~janet torres, former City of San Jose employee (retired 2011) and BIG FAN! 🙂