Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

authenticity

Resolving Conflict

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How do you feel about conflict?

Many of us struggle with conflict resolution. We find creative ways to avoid conflicts or even get scared to initiate or engage in conversations that may result in a conflict. Whether we’re comfortable with conflict or not, it’s a part of life, relationships, and work – and always will be.

When we look at conflict more deeply, we realize that it is a vital aspect of growth, change, and every important relationship in our life. The pain, suffering, and stress caused by conflict doesn’t usually come from the conflict itself, it comes from our avoidance of it or inability to deal with it effectively.

Many of us don’t know how to resolve conflict because we have not been trained to engage in conflict resolution in a healthy, productive, and authentic way. This lack of guidance and experience often leads us to avoid conflict altogether or, when we do engage, we end up focusing on protecting ourselves, simply trying to ‘win,’ or both.

The more we embrace and embody authenticity, the more effectively we’re able to engage in and resolve conflict in an honest and successful way. Here are some important components of conflict resolution for us to remember and practice.

Tips on Resolving Conflict

1) Take responsibility

It always “takes two to tango.” Taking responsibility is not about being at fault or blaming the other person. It’s about owning up to the situation and recognizing that we’re a part of the issue.

2) Address the conflict directly

Conflicts are best resolved when addressed head-on and without delay. Approach the issue with honesty and openness, and tackle it as soon as it arises—don’t let it linger and grow.

3) Seek first to understand

As challenging as it can be, the best approach in any conflict situation is to listen with as much understanding, compassion, and empathy as possible, even – and especially – when we’re feeling angry or defensive. If we can understand where the other person is coming from, even if we don’t agree, we have a good chance of being able to work things out.

4) Use “I” statements

If someone does or says something and I have a specific reaction to it, that’s real. However, if I judge, generalize, or accuse someone, it’s merely my biased opinion and can provoke defensiveness if it’s communicated in a self-righteous way. It’s important to present feedback as our own personal view rather than as an objective truth.

5) Go for a win-win

Resolving conflict authentically is about making it a win-win for everyone involved. This doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gets his or her way. It does, however, mean that everyone gets heard, honored, and listened to. When and if possible, we make compromises that leave everyone empowered and in partnership.

6) Acknowledge others

Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation or a situation that involves lots of people, acknowledgement is essential to our ability to engage in productive conflict and to be able to resolve it in an authentic and effective way. Thank the other people involved in the conflict for being willing and able to engage. Thank them for their truth and bravery.

It takes real courage to engage in conflict honestly. When we acknowledge each other, operate with kindness and humility, and remember that vulnerability is the most important aspect of resolving conflicts effectively, we’re reminded that we’re in it together.

There are essentially two effective ways to handle conflicts: address them directly until they’re fully resolved (not just until we get our way) or let them go entirely (not discussing or dwelling on them). While we know how to do both, we often choose a third approach, which fails: trying to address the conflict ineffectively and then complaining to others about how right we are and how wrong the other person or situation is.

Think of some of the biggest conflicts in your life right now. Are you ready to resolve them? If so, decide whether you’re willing to let them go or not. If not, make a commitment to yourself to engage in them using these steps above and do so in an honest, genuine, and vulnerable way. Don’t wait until it’s too late – have the conversation now.

Which conflicts in your life are you willing to let go of? Which ones are you willing to address directly? Share your thoughts, ideas, commitments, and more here on my blog.

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It’s Okay for Things to Go Well

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When things go well for you, do you tend to have mixed feelings about it? Do you find yourself feeling uneasy or uncomfortable?

While I do love it when things go well, I also tend to have some mixed emotions about it. It can be a little tricky for me to fully embrace and experience things going well, especially these days given everything we have all been through in recent years.

Why do we do this?

Why We Struggle to Embrace When Things Go Well

1. We think it’s too good to be true.

Have you heard that voice in your head before? The one that says, “It’s too good to be true, it won’t last, or you’ll mess it up.”

Many of us experience this thought when things go well. And while it’s common for us to think this, it’s simply not true. We all deserve things to go well for us.

2. We worry that people will judge us

When things go well, many of us worry that people won’t like us, that they’ll judge us, or that they will get jealous, thus pulling away or withholding their love, appreciation, and approval.  We might also find ourselves worrying that if things go too well, we won’t be able to relate to, connect with, or be accepted by some of the most important people and groups in our world.

3. Much of our learning, growth, and evolution in life has come through our own pain and suffering 

Even though it’s true that we can grow more effectively and elegantly through joy, peace, and love – we may find ourselves worrying that if things get too good, we’ll get lazy, stop actively learning, or somehow abandon our journey of personal growth and commitment.

4. We tend to feel guilty for our success

We sometimes have feelings of guilt for our success or good fortune – especially given that so many people in the world are suffering, in pain, or dealing with both small and big challenges.  That same voice in our head can say to us, “It’s not fair that things are going well for you, look at all those people who are having a hard time.”

These and other limiting thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs can get in our way. They can keep us in struggle and limit our experiences of joy and fulfillment.  It’s almost as if sometimes we’re more comfortable suffering than thriving.

Your version of this may look a little different than mine, but lots of people I know and work with, even those who have created a lot of outward success in their lives, seem to struggle to one degree or another allowing things to go really well and doing so with real peace, gratitude, and joy.

How to Practice and Expand Your Capacity for Things Going Well

What if we did allow things to go well and did so more graciously, intentionally, and consciously?  Of course life has its inevitable ups and downs, ebbs and flows, and expansions and contractions – but what if we stopped sabotaging ourselves, our success, and our fulfillment just as we began to experience it or because it got too good for us to handle?

Here are some things to focus on, think about, and practice to expand your capacity for things going well in your life:

Remember that it’s okay to shine. 

The more permission we give to ourselves (and those around us) to shine our light, the more we realize that it’s safe.  As Marianne Williamson says in her famous quote from her book A Return to Love, “…there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

Remind yourself that life’s not a competition.  

This is a big one for me – as a former pro baseball player, I have a tendency to look at everything in life as a competition, even though it rarely is.

Competition is about our negative ego (thinking we are either “better than” or “less than”).  When we remember that life is not a competition, we can focus on our own unique experience and do so in a way that is real, not simply in reference to those around us – positively or negatively.

Take care of yourself.

I’ve heard it said so many times that happiness is an inside job, which is true.  Often, things become cliche because they are overused, but they are overused because of their universal truth.

The more effectively we care for ourselves and recognize that our fulfillment in life hinges on how we feel about and relate to ourselves—rather than on others’ opinions or our external achievements—the more likely we are to experience genuine joy and success.

Whether we face challenging circumstances or positive situations, allowing ourselves to embrace and enjoy when things go well is a bold and beautiful step. This not only enhances our own quality of life but also positively impacts everyone we interact with.

How do you feel about things going well in your life?  What can you do to remind yourself and others that it’s okay for things to go well and for you to be happy? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more in the comments below.

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What We CAN Change

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There are a lot of things we can and can’t change in our lives. We all go through challenges that bring about change, and many of us struggle with these types of changes. We fear that we won’t be able to overcome certain challenging situations. But the thing about change is that it’s a slow process. It doesn’t happen all at once.

Change comes from living life in the present – taking one step at a time.

What We CAN Change

Are there things you want to change in your life right now?

Do you ever find yourself getting impatient or frustrated when you want change to happen?

It’s easy to fall into this trap.

While thinking big can be a great way to start, in most cases, change happens one step at a time. That’s why it’s so important to take things step by step, moment by moment.  When we remember this, we allow ourselves to be in the present moment, reclaim our true power, and eliminate a great deal of unnecessary worry, pain, and suffering.

As Lao-tzu said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step.”  Although we all know this and have heard some version of this saying many times, the challenge for many of us is to remember it and live it on a daily basis.

How to Practice Living One Step at a Time

Here are a few things you can do to practice living one step at a time:

1) Make a list of some of the things you want to change, alter, or improve right now. 

First of all, it’s important to remember that none of these changes will, in and of themselves, make you happy (only you can do that for yourself).

That said, positive change can be a wonderfully exciting and empowering thing for us to engage in and experience.  Identifying what you want to change specifically is an essential first step.

2) With each of these important things you want to change, think of some simple, small steps you can take that will move you in the direction you truly want. 

If you get stuck with any of these, ask for help.  Keep things simple.  Identify specific goals, break down the steps, and most importantly avoid self judgment. Try not to let your ego interfere. Remember that every small action contributes to a larger goal.

3) Celebrate each step of the way.  

As you notice yourself making different choices, having new thoughts, and taking small, positive steps towards the changes you want; celebrate.  And, if you find yourself forgetting, falling back into old patterns, or unable to take some of these simple actions, celebrate yourself for your awareness and honor your desire to change.  Either way, celebrating and appreciating yourself is essential to the process.

By remembering what we can change and how change truly works, we’re able to create true miracles in our lives – one step at a time.

What are you working on changing right now?  How can you shift your focus to “one step at a time?” How do you think this will serve and support you?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

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The Power of No

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There is real power in saying no.  However, this isn’t always easy to do, especially for those of us, like me, who struggle with people-pleasing or worry about upsetting others.

It’s often particularly challenging to say no to certain people and in specific situations. Have you ever said yes when you really meant no?  Most of us have.

What makes saying no difficult?

What is it about saying no that many of us have a hard time with? For me, it comes down to a few specific things:

  1. I get scared that people will get upset, be disappointed, and/or will judge me.
  2. I’m not a huge fan of hearing no from others myself, so being the one saying it can be difficult.
  3. I pride myself on being open, willing, and ready to say yes at all times. In other words, saying no often seems like a failure, an admission of weakness, or just a negative thing in general.

However, saying no is one of the most important aspects of operating with balance, integrity, and authenticity. Our ability to say no with confidence is one of the most important aspects of creating peace and having healthy boundaries. This is about honoring ourselves and being real – it’s not about being cynical or unwilling.

The power of saying no is essential for healthy boundaries

Saying no is about prioritizing our own needs and well-being, and maintaining autonomy over our time and energy. When we say no to things that don’t align with our goals, values, or interests, we create space for activities and relationships that are truly meaningful and fulfilling. Saying no can also prevent burnout, reduce stress, and help us focus on what truly matters. It’s a vital skill in maintaining balance and fostering healthy relationships, both personally and professionally.

The majority of people I know, especially these days, live their lives with a feeling of overwhelm that either runs them or at least gets in their way from time to time. At the root of a lot of our stress, struggle, and overwhelm – at work and in life – is our inability to say no when necessary.

When we don’t say no in an authentic way, we end up feeling burdened, resentful, and even victimized (although, ironically, we forget that we’re the ones who said yes in the first place).

Saying no has both consequences and benefits

Sometimes we will upset, disappoint, or annoy people when we say no. We also may have quite a bit of fear about saying no to certain people (spouse, boss, co-worker, friend, child, etc.) or in certain situations (at work, with clients, with our in-laws, and more).

However, there are huge benefits to us enhancing our capacity and comfort with no. Tapping into the power of no gives us a sense of freedom and liberation. It also fosters trust in our relationships. When we consistently express our genuine intentions by saying both yes when we mean it and no when we mean it, people can truly count on us.

When we say no with confidence, honesty, and compassion, we do one of the best things we can possibly do to honor ourselves and create a healthy environment around us.

How do you feel about saying “no?” What can you do to enhance your ability and capacity to say “no” with confidence and ease? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

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We’re All Doing the Best We Can

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I truly believe that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever our current situations and resources may be.

However, many of us can be extremely critical of ourselves and others. And even though I’ve been teaching and practicing the power of appreciation for more than two decades, when I find myself feeling scared, threatened, or insecure (which happens more often than I’d like it to), I notice that I can be quite critical (of myself and other people).

Sadly, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being judgmental doesn’t help, feel good, or lead me to what I truly want in my relationships, work, and life.

Doing the Best We Can

I heard the late, great Louise Hay (bestselling author and founder of Hay House, the publisher of my three most recent books), say a number of years ago, “It’s important to remember that people are always doing the best they can, including you.”

The power of this statement continues to have an impact on me to this day.  And, although I sometimes forget, when I do remember that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever tools we have and the circumstances we’re experiencing, it usually calms me down and creates a sense of empathy and compassion for the people I’m dealing with and for myself.

When we take a step back and remember that most of the time people aren’t out to get us, we can save ourselves from unnecessary overreactions and stress.  And extending this understanding and kindness towards ourselves can significantly improve our lives and relationships.

As the Dalai Lama so reminds us, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

How to Practice Compassion

Here are some things you can do to practice compassion.

1. Give people the benefit of the doubt 

Most of the time people have good intentions.  Many of us, myself included, have been trained to be cautious and suspicious of others, even seeing this as an important and effective skill in life and business.  However, we almost always get what we expect from people, so the more often we give people the benefit of the doubt, the more often they’ll prove us right, and the less often we will waste our precious time and energy on cynicism, suspicion, and judgment.

2. Don’t take things personally

I love the great saying, “You wouldn’t worry about what other people think about you so much, if you realized how little they actually did.”  The truth is that most people are focused on themselves much more than on us.  Too often we take things personally that have nothing to do with us.  This doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us or treat us in disrespectful ways (it can be important for us to speak up and have healthy boundaries).  However, when we stop taking things so personally, we liberate ourselves from needless upset, defensiveness, and conflict.

3. Look for the good

We almost always find what we look for.  If you want to find some things about me that you don’t like, consider obnoxious, or get on your nerves – just look for them, I’m sure you’ll come up with some.  On the flip side, if you want to find some of my best qualities and things you appreciate about me, just look for those – they are there too.  As Werner Erhard said, “In every human being there is both garbage and gold, it’s up to us to choose what we pay attention to.” Looking for the good in others (as well as in life and in ourselves), is one of the best ways to find things to appreciate and be grateful for.

4. Seek first to understand 

Often when we’re frustrated, annoyed, or in conflict with another person (or group of people), we don’t feel seen, heard, or understood.  As challenging and painful as this can be, one of the best things we can do is to shift our attention from trying to get other people to understand us (or being irritated that it seems like they don’t), to seeking to understand the other person (or people) involved in an authentic way.

Understanding others can be difficult, especially when the situation or conflict is very personal and emotional. However, seeking to understand is one of the best ways for us to liberate ourselves from the grip of criticism and judgment, and often helps shift the overall dynamic. Being curious and empathic of another person and their perspective doesn’t mean we agree with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they’re coming from – which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them, and ultimately resolving the conflict.

5. Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself)

Being gentle is the opposite of being critical. When we’re gentle, we’re compassionate, kind, and loving. We may not like, agree with, or totally understand what someone has done (or why), but we can be gentle in how we respond and engage with them. This is about having a true sense of empathy and perspective. And, the most important place for us to bring a sense of gentleness is to ourselves. Many of us have a tendency to be hyper self-critical. Sadly, some of the harshest criticism we dole out in life is aimed right at us. Another great saying I love is, “We don’t see people as they are, we see them as we are.” As we alter how we relate to ourselves, our relationship to everyone else and to the world shifts in a fundamental way.

Everyone around us – our friends, co-workers, significant other, family members, children, clients, and even people we don’t know or care for – are doing the best they can, given the resources they have. When we remember this and come from a truly compassionate perspective (with others and with ourselves), we’re able to tap into a deeper level of peace, appreciation, and fulfillment.

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