Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

fear

Who Are You Trying to Impress?

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How often do you find yourself trying to impress others?

Maybe you feel it at work. Maybe it happens when you’re with your friends and family. Maybe it strikes when you log into social media or show up to a class reunion. It’s that nagging feeling, that annoying voice in the back of your head—and it’s telling you that the only way to succeed in life is to look good to others.

Unfortunately, many of us spend a lot of time trying to impress the people around us. While this makes sense and is a natural tendency, it can be quite harmful in many ways and often keeps us from doing, saying, and being who we truly want to be.

Be Yourself

I’ve also wasted a lot of time and energy throughout my life trying to impress people.

Whether it was at school, in an office, or participating on a sports team, I found myself in many situations where my performance was up for evaluation. It’s also carried into my work speaking, writing, coaching, podcasting, and more.

Trying to manage, control, and, ultimately, manipulate other people’s perceptions of us isn’t just exhausting—it’s also pretty much impossible. I’m reminded of the title of a book by Terry Cole-Whittaker called What You Think About Me is None of My Business.  Isn’t that such a great reminder for all of us?

We can save ourselves from a lot of unnecessary stress and anguish when we stop trying to impress others and start focusing on honoring ourselves. In other words, being true to ourselves, feeling good about who we are, and showing up in the most authentic way possible are all things that give us real power—not trying to be someone we aren’t or trying to be validated by the opinions of others.

As the wise sage Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  So true!

Acknowledge Yourself

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to perform well and receive positive feedback for our work. However, when we focus on impressing people, we give away our power and set ourselves up for unnecessary stress, worry, and fear.

It’s important to recognize that validation from other people isn’t what proves our worth—instead, we can turn within and focus on genuinely acknowledging ourselves.  When we’re willing to appreciate who we are, we can truly be free and tap into our innate power.

Do you struggle with being a people-pleaser? Are there times when you’ve caused unnecessary stress trying to impress other people? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Are You Living on Purpose?

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Are you living on purpose, or are there aspects of your life that, when you really think about it, don’t seem to have much purpose at all?

This kind of realization can be both humbling and enlightening. But taking the time to sit in this important inquiry can help lead us to a more purposeful life.

By asking yourself the right questions and really being honest with yourself, you can become aware of some of the specific places in life where you are operating unconsciously or by default, simply reacting to life as it’s “happening to you.”

It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling as though you’re a victim of your circumstances and responsibilities.

2 Distinct Aspects of Living on Purpose

As I’ve thought more about this whole concept of living on purpose, I think there are two distinct aspects of it.

  • There is “Purpose” with a capital “P,” which relates to figuring out and living true to who we are, what’s most important to us, and our larger reason for being alive.
  • Then there is “purpose” with a lower case “p,” which relates to the level of consciousness, mindfulness, and deliberateness with which we live our lives on a daily basis.

Both of these aspects of purpose are important to our overall fulfillment, yet they are distinct.

Living Our Purpose 

Living our Purpose (with a capital P) is a lot easier said than done for most of us.  First of all, we have to figure out what our Purpose is, which for some of us comes easily and early in life, and for others takes a long time. And, even for those of us who feel as though we’ve found our Purpose, it often shifts and changes as we evolve and age, sometimes in significant ways.

A good way to delve more deeply into your own Purpose is to ask the simple but important question, “If money and logistics weren’t an issue, what would I do and where would I focus my attention and energy?”

Asking and answering this simple but important question is something we can do on a regular basis, to check in with ourselves and see how true to our Purpose we’re living at any given moment in life.

Many of us struggle with the financial and practical aspects of life.  Due to this, our daily lives often don’t fully align with our Purpose. This gap between our Purpose and how we actually live is common; it doesn’t mean we’re bad or wrong (even though we may judge ourselves harshly when we think about it this way).

The size and significance of our personal gap does, however, have an impact on us – the larger the gap, the more out of alignment we may feel. The smaller the gap, the more “on purpose” we may experience our lives.  Our level of awareness of our gap, and our willingness to take action in the direction of narrowing the gap, is what will lead us to a life of deeper Purpose.

It’s also important to remember that this process is unique for each of us – there’s no right way to do it.  Living our Purpose is about acceptance, willingness, authenticity, vulnerability, and courage.  And, like most important things in life, it’s a journey, not a destination.

Living on purpose 

Living on purpose (with a lowercase p) is about how we live our lives on a daily basis.

How conscious are you?  How mindful are you?  How deliberate are you?  The answers to these questions will vary for each of us based on a variety of factors, and can even vary for most of us throughout the course of a given day, week, or month of our lives.

As fast as life seems to be moving these days, as much information and communication as we’re exposed to, and as many responsibilities as most of us have, it’s easy to let the rat race of life take over without us even being fully aware of it.

Living with purpose is a practice that involves being conscious, mindful, and deliberate in both the big and small aspects of life. It means slowing down, speaking up, taking risks, making tough choices, asking for what we want, dealing with conflicts directly, expressing our appreciation for others, taking care of ourselves, and remembering that we are the authors of our own lives. These are just a few of the many ways we can live purposefully every day.

It’s Not Always Easy

Living our Purpose and living on purpose are not easy, and in many cases, not even authentically encouraged by those around us.  There is a lot of agreement within our culture that “you have to just suck it up and take care of business,” or that life is hard, especially days and with all we’ve been through in recent years.

These types of thoughts and beliefs show up in my head on a pretty regular basis, and I hear them from people around me directly or indirectly all the time.  However, just because we have these common thoughts or beliefs, doesn’t make them true or helpful.

For us to live our Purpose and live on purpose, it takes authentic self awareness and radical courage. And, as author Susan Jeffers taught us, “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

How on purpose are you living these days?  Feel free to share your thoughts, questions, or reflections in the comments below.

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Stop ‘Shoulding’ On Yourself

Stop ‘Shoulding’ On Yourself

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A while back a mentor of mine said to me, “Mike, it sounds like you’re ‘shoulding’ all over yourself.’

And while this sounds funny, of course, this feedback was important for me to hear at the time and is something many of us do to ourselves, whether we’re conscious of it or not.

If I’m not mindful, it is easy for me to relate to even the most important parts of my life – my marriage, my family, my friends, my health, my work, my spiritual practice, my finances, and more – from the perspective of what I think I should do, say, or feel, and not from a place of what’s true for me.

As I look more deeply at this within myself, I realize that my obsession with doing, saying, or feeling the way I think I should, is actually less about a desire to do the right thing, and more about fear, shame, and a lack of self trust.

When we’re shoulding, it often comes from an insecure place within us where we’re not confident in our own desires and beliefs.

This lack of trust and confidence often leads us to look outside of ourselves for guidance, validation, and the insatiable right way something should be done; which can be quite stressful, anxiety-inducing, and damaging.

Instead of shoulding on yourself, you can ask yourself different questions that come from a place of truth and curiosity.

What if instead of asking ourselves, “What should I do?” we ask ourselves more empowering questions like, “What’s true for me?” or “What am I committed to?” or “What do I truly want?”  These questions, and others like them, come from a much deeper place of authenticity.

This is not to say that everything we think we should do is inherently bad.  That is clearly not the case.  Thinking that we should do things like communicate with kindness, exercise, follow up with people in a timely manner, spend time with our families, eat healthy, take breaks, save money, have fun, work hard, be mindful of the feelings of others, push past our limits, try new things, organize our lives, focus on what we’re grateful for, and so much more – all can be very important aspects of our success and well being (as well as those around us).

However, when we come from a place of should, our motivation and underlying intention for doing whatever it is we’re doing is compromised – even if it’s something we consider to be positive or healthy.  In other words, we often feel stressed, resentful, worried, or annoyed when we’re motivated by should.  This mentality is based on an erroneous notion that there is some big book of rules we must follow in order to be happy and successful.

The distinction here is one of obligation versus choice, or have to versus get to.  When we stop shoulding on ourselves, we’re less motivated by guilt, fear, and shame and can choose to be inspired by authentic desire, commitment, and choice.

How to Stop Shoulding on Yourself

Here are a few things you can do to stop shoulding on yourself:

1. Pay attention to how much should runs your life  

Take some inventory of your life and observe the extent to which your drive is influenced by shoulding. You may even notice how often the word should comes out of your mouth in relation to your own actions, as well as your thoughts or conversations about others.  The more you’re able to notice this, without judgment, the easier it will be to alter it.

2. Play around with different words, thoughts, and motivations other than should

If it’s not about what you (or others) should do, what are other words, thoughts, or motivations you could have?  How can you relate to the most important areas and people in your life differently?  Think about this and see what comes up.  It’s not simply about word choice (although words do have a great deal of power), it’s about altering where you’re coming from in a fundamental way.

3. Ask yourself empowering questions

As I mentioned above, instead of asking yourself the question “What should I do?” see if you can ask yourself more empowering questions – ones that lead you to an authentic and inspired place of motivation.  Consider questions like, “How can I make this fun or enjoyable?” or “What sparks inspiration within me?” or “What aligns with my purpose?” or “How can I serve?” or “What choices would nurture my self-esteem?”

There are so many possibilities, once we stop shoulding on ourselves.

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Worry Never Works

Worry Never Works

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Many of us spend a lot of time worrying. About bills, relationships, health, finances, work, the state of the world, and more.  Although this is completely understandable, especially these days, and it’s something I find myself struggling with at times in pretty significant ways…I’ve learned throughout my life that worry never works.

Worrying is actually detrimental to our health, well-being, and our ability to experience what we truly want in life. When we worry, we’re simply preparing to be upset in the future – assuming that something bad will happen and creating a dress rehearsal for our anger, disappointment, and/or frustration.

Worry doesn’t work because it keeps us fixated on potential problems without thinking about productive solutions. It amplifies stress, impairs decision-making, and harms our mental and physical health. Often, worries are beyond our control or blown out of proportion, leading to unnecessary distress. Instead, focusing on actionable steps, maintaining perspective, and practicing mindfulness, we stay stuck in the negative trap of imagining all the ways things could go wrong.

Worrying has simply become a habituated and unconscious behavior for many of us. We tend to find ways to justify this – thinking that worrying proves we really care, helps keep us focused, or allows us to stay on top of things in a responsible way.

While this all makes sense, on a deeper level I’ve realized over the years that worrying is just an erroneous attempt to control the uncontrollable – life.

Given that we all know, at least to some degree, that worrying doesn’t really work and actually makes things worse – why do we do it?

If Worry Never Works, Why Do We Do It?

We worry as a natural response to uncertainty, potential threats, or challenges in our lives. It’s a way for our minds to try to anticipate and prepare for problems, but it can also stem from a desire for control or fear of the unknown. While worrying can sometimes serve a protective function, it often becomes excessive and counterproductive, leading to increased stress and anxiety.

Here are some of the main reasons we worry so much…

1. We’re Trained to Worry

We’ve been trained to worry throughout our lives – by our parents, teachers, friends, family members, co-workers, the media, our culture, and more. From the time we were kids, we’re taught (directly and indirectly) that we’re supposed to worry about lots of things – crime, illness, money, our children, being taken advantage of, pollution, and so much more. While some may argue that there are many things we should be concerned and aware about, “worrying” about any of these things doesn’t make them better or help us address them in a specific way.

2. We Don’t Know How to Express Our Real Emotions

We’re not usually encouraged or even all that good at acknowledging, addressing, and expressing our real emotions. Worry is often a suppressed form of fear, anger, shame, or other emotions we find difficult to deal with. Because worrying is much more socially acceptable than expressing our authentic fear (or anger, guilt, helplessness, shame, sadness, confusion, overwhelm, etc.), we tend to actively worry about things all the time. Our inability to express our real emotions, which is usually the source, is what keeps worry in place.

3. We Worry That Something Bad Will Happen

Finally, we worry that if we stop worrying, something really bad will happen. As ironic as it may seem, we continue to worry, somehow thinking we are protecting ourselves. In actuality, when we worry we’re just setting ourselves up for more stress and fear…and in a strange way, sometimes even attracting more negative outcomes and experiences to us by being so fixated on all that could go wrong.

How to Stop Worrying

Here are a few things you can do to let go of worry and operate with a deeper sense of peace and freedom:

1. Notice What You Worry About

Like most aspects of life and growth, the first step is authentic awareness. When we become conscious of our own habits, thoughts, and patterns as it relates to worrying, we can start to make some healthy choices and changes. As you notice your own tendency to worry, have compassion with yourself and see if you’re willing to let it go.

2. Identify and express your real emotions

Worry often originates from underlying emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, shame, or powerlessness. By acknowledging and embracing these emotions, we can navigate through them and release their energy. This process of emotional release enables us to transform our worries and ultimately free ourselves from their grip.

3. Take conscious and courageous action

Worry often renders us inactive; stuck in a state of negative thinking or fear-based reactions. Taking conscious and courageous actions in the face of our fear and worry can be one of the most empowering things for us to do. This is not about frantic, random, erroneous activity (just for the sake of doing something), this is about us taking deliberate action as a way of moving through our fear in a direct and authentic way.

Worrying is a natural aspect of our human experience. It’s important not to criticize ourselves for it, but rather to recognize its presence. Worry can significantly impact our success, well-being, and sense of fulfillment. By acknowledging this and understanding that worry never really works, we can delve into what is really going on within us, transforming it into a force for positive change.

What do you worry about most? Are you willing to let go of worry? If so, what will that take? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

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Life’s Easy… It’s Dealing With Ourselves That’s Hard

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When we make peace with ourselves, everything changes.

Over the years and the experiences I’ve had – particularly in my professional life – I’ve learned that writing, speaking, and coaching are relatively easy things for me to do. It’s dealing with myself that’s the hardest part.

I think this is true with most of the things we do in life – even the most challenging ones.  It’s usually our own fears, doubts, insecurities, attachments, and resistance that make things difficult, not so much the things themselves.

When We Make Peace With Ourselves, Life Flows With More Ease

Regardless of the specific circumstances we’re facing or tasks in front of us, when we make peace with ourselves and what’s going on, things tend to flow with more ease, joy, and grace.  When we’re not at peace with ourselves or life, it doesn’t matter how “good” or “bad” things may be circumstantially, we suffer.

So how do we make peace with ourselves and overcome our fears, doubts, and insecurities?

Making Peace with Ourselves

Here are three core lessons for how we can make peace with ourselves at a deeper level:

1. Have Compassion For Yourself

Self-compassion is one of the most important aspects of life and growth, but is often something we either overlook, think is “soft,” misunderstand, or simply don’t know how to practice.

There are three key elements to self-compassion:

  1. Mindfulness and awareness for how we’re treating ourselves.
  2. A sense of kindness and forgiveness towards ourselves
  3. A realization of our common humanity with others (i.e. remembering that we’re not alone in our experience).

In my life I’ve realized that when I’m able to be gentle and kind with myself and reduce my self-criticism, not only are things more fun, I’ve actually been able to achieve much more success.

2.  Surrender to Life as it Actually Is

Surrendering isn’t about giving up or giving in, it’s about making peace with what is (even if we don’t like it.)

A big paradox in life is that until we can be at peace with what’s actually happening in the moment (i.e. letting go of our resistance and of our obsessive focus on how things should be), we’re not able to make the changes we want or to experience the joy we desire.

Whenever we resist, judge, or fight against what is happening in our lives, we suffer.  However, when we’re able to allow things to be exactly as they are, it can be remarkable to see how easily things have flowed.

3.  Take Ownership 

Ownership is about taking full responsibility for our lives and for what shows up around us.  This can be tricky for a few reasons.

First of all, we live in a culture that loves to blame and make excuses, so we’re swimming in that ocean all the time.  Second of all, there are a lot of things that happen in and around us that we don’t have direct control over (other people, the economy, the weather, decisions, and many circumstances and situations – both personal and global).

However, we always have a choice about how we relate to what’s going on and how we interpret the things happening around us and even within us.  When we take ownership we let go of blaming and excuses (or we notice as soon as we can when we’re heading down that negative road.)  And, we make a commitment to ourselves that we’re going to create what we truly want – not simply react to life as if it is “happening to us.”

These are all fairly simple concepts, but like many things I write and speak about, understanding them is quite different than practicing and embodying them (i.e. they’re easier said than done.)

When we cultivate empathy and compassion for ourselves and embrace the realization that meaningful change begins with us, we gain a profound understanding that we hold the key to our own joy, pain, triumphs, and challenges.

It’s both sobering and liberating when we embrace the idea that we are the source of our own happiness or suffering.  When we get this and live this way, we release ourselves from a great deal of unnecessary stress and make ourselves available to show up for others and for life in an open, authentic, and empowered way.

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This article was published in 2014 and updated for 2023.