Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

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How Do You Forgive Yourself?

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How do you forgive yourself, especially when you feel shame and regret about things you have done in the past?

Dealing with shame and regret isn’t easy. And forgiving yourself can be extremely difficult when you live in constant guilt and regret.

Many of us carry hard, hurtful emotions that build with us as time goes on.

One of these feelings – particularly for me – is resentment.

You can direct resentment towards other people, situations, or yourself.

When I first began on my journey of self-forgiveness, what I had to initially confront was how much resentment I had towards myself.

How To Forgive Yourself

Many of us are critical and unforgiving to ourselves. A lot of us don’t even trust ourselves.

And when we are so critical of ourselves, we start harboring resentment.

Forgiving yourself isn’t easy – it takes work. But it’s worth it.

I started forgiving myself by meditating, journaling, asking for help, and focusing on healing.

One specific exercise I did was to write down a long list of things that I wanted to forgive myself for:

  • being harsh and critical of some of the people closest to me,
  • being annoyed and unkind to our girls at times,
  • worrying about all kinds of superficial things,
  • being unable to overcome failure,
  • harming my body over the years,
  • not taking good care of myself,
  • making mistakes in my business and with our finances,
  • not practicing what I preached in my work,

And on and on the list went.

As I wrote these things down in my journal, I was initially concerned that it was my gremlin taking over and listing out all the things that were “wrong” with me and all the reasons why I was “bad.”

But as I allowed myself to engage more deeply in the process, I realized that what I was doing was telling the truth about all the things I’d been judging myself for.

Engaging in this process was my attempt in some way to let go of the resentment I was holding toward myself. I was trying to move into a place of forgiveness and, ultimately, freedom. And while I wasn’t sure if I knew exactly the “right” way to forgive myself, I decided to ask to be forgiven in my writings, prayers, and meditations.

Before I went to bed at night, I would ask for the weight of this self-criticism and negativity to lift off of me.

The Nature of Growth and Change

A few days after doing this self-reflection and self-forgiveness exercise, I felt 50 pounds lighter.

A few weeks later, I had my first session with my counselor Eleanor. As Eleanor and I began to work together, which we’ve continued to do over the past decade with wonderful results, she began to explain to me the nature of growth and change.

These are the basic steps involved in the process of growing and changing:

  1. Recognize: You must recognize what’s going on and what you’re doing. Recognizing is about seeing and about authentic awareness.
  2. Acknowledge: You must acknowledge the impact of what you’re doing with compassion and without judgment. Acknowledgment is about feeling your emotions and owning the impact.
  3. Forgive: The most crucial step in the process is forgiveness—a willingness to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about caring enough to take a deeper level of responsibility. And when you do that, you’re able to forgive yourself authentically.
  4. Change: If you genuinely recognize, acknowledge, and forgive, the change pretty much happens on its own. You don’t have to—nor do you get to—control it. Change is the result of authentic forgiveness, and genuine forgiveness is about releasing the past and all the stories you have associated with it.

Unfortunately, most of us actually recognize, acknowledge, punish, and repeat—instead of forgiving and changing—which keeps specific negative patterns in place in our lives and causes us a great deal of pain and suffering.

For real change to happen, we must constantly focus on forgiving ourselves and releasing the past and all of the stories connected to it.

Moving Forward with Self-Forgiveness

Given that most of us have many years of experience of not doing this and still tend to be hypercritical of ourselves, self-forgiveness can be challenging.

Forgiveness continues to be a challenge for me, although it’s getting easier. It’s a practice, and like any practice, the more we do it, the easier it is and the more effective we become.

The more willing we are to take an honest look within—recognize and acknowledge our self-sabotaging ways and forgive ourselves for them—the more likely we can begin to change in an authentic and powerful way.

Remember: we all make mistakes. And that’s okay. We all do things that we regret. Self-forgiveness makes it possible to forgive others and live our lives with a genuine sense of freedom, peace, and love.

 

This is a modified excerpt taken from my book Nothing Changes Until You Do, with permission from our publisher, Hay House.  This book is available online or in bookstores. Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more here or in the comments section of this post.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

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This article was originally published on April 30, 2014, and updated for 2021.

Embracing Change Without Suffering

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I’ve been reflecting on change quite a bit recently.  This year has been full of changes for me and my family.  The two most significant and emotional changes have been the loss of my sister Lori back in January and the purchase of our new house a few months ago.

While these two experiences are very different in so many ways, they have each had a profound impact and have pointed out some things to me about how I deal with change, loss, and more.
 
My sister’s death has been hard, painful, and surreal.  And although I still find it difficult to believe she’s gone and her death definitely falls into the category of the type of change I didn’t want, wasn’t expecting at this time in my life, and wish hadn’t happened, I’m continually amazed at the growth, healing, gratitude, connection, and love that has been inspired within me and around me through her passing.  Even in the midst of the pain there has been real beauty.  It’s a huge change and one that I’m still navigating my way through tentatively and vulnerably.
 
The purchase of our new house, on the other hand, has been exciting, gratifying, and wonderful – we love it and feel so blessed.  As you may know and  I have written about in the past, we lost our house back in 2011 after getting ourselves into a very difficult financial situation.  Buying this new house is not only exciting in all of the normal ways buying a new house can be, it is a real triumph for us and something that seemed almost impossible just a few years ago.
 
As excited and grateful as I am about the house, I’ve been a bit surprised by how upsetting and unsettling it has been to make this purchase and to move (even though we just moved 3 miles away).  Of course I know from past experience how stressful it can be to buy a house, and how exhausting and overwhelming moving can be.  However, as I take a deeper look at this, I realize that this is more about how I relate to change and how easy it is for me to go into a place of suffering when faced with pain, loss, fear, uncertainty, or other intense emotions I often get scared to feel (i.e. try to avoid).
 
In the scheme of things, even as big of a deal as buying this house is to me and us, the death of my sister is much bigger.  And, although Lori’s passing is definitely something that I (and just about everyone else) see as being “bad” and buying a beautiful new house is something I (and just about everyone else) see as being “good,” I’m noticing that I can suffer about either one of them (or not), and it’s based much more on me and the story I’m telling myself, than it is about the actual circumstances.
 
In looking at both my own relationship to change and to change in general over the past few months, I think we tend to put “changes” into different categories.  We separate them into “good” and “bad.”  Good ones usually come in the form of new things we want – relationships, opportunities, experiences, accomplishments, etc.  And, bad ones usually show up as rejections, losses, disappointments, failures, and any other number of things not going the way we think they “should.”
 
Clearly getting a new job, moving to a new city, achieving a big goal, or falling in love are very different than losing our job, getting divorced, failing miserably at something important, or having someone close to us die.  However, regardless of the situation, all of these things (and others) are changes – some big, some small, some we want, some we don’t. 
 
Almost all changes, even the biggest and best ones, involve pain and loss of some kind.  At the very least, they almost always involve fear.  We tend to seek and fear change at the same time, which is one of the many reasons it can be emotionally confusing. And, as I’ve been seeing in my own life significantly this year, change, especially big change, often involves suffering.  The suffering, however, isn’t actually due to the pain, fear, or loss itself; it’s usually a result of our avoidance of our feelings.
 
When we actually acknowledge and feel our pain (and don’t avoid it, run from it, pretend it’s not there, or rush to “fix” it) not only how move through it, it often nourishes us in the process…we grow, heal, evolve, and become stronger. However, when we don’t feel our pain (and the emotions connected to it), when we make up all kinds of fear stories about it (and ourselves), or, even worse, when we think it “shouldn’t” be there…we suffer, big time. As our late friend Debbie Ford used to say “Whatever you can’t be with won’t let you be.”
 
What if we stopped running away from the pain, fear, loss, or whatever else it is we don’t want to face or feel?  These things aren’t fun or easy to face, and we often need a lot of support, compassion, and courage to do so.  However, much of our power in life is tied up in our pain.  When we’re willing to lean into it and actually feel it, instead of thinking it will take us down (as we fear it might), it almost always builds us up and allows us to transform. 
 
As Haruki Murakami famously said, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”  We don’t have to suffer as we go through change – we can embrace it, be real about how we feel, and reach out to those around us to stand with us as we face the fear, pain, and discomfort.  And, when we do this, we liberate ourselves and give other people permission to do the same.
 
How do you feel about change?  How about pain and loss?  Share your thoughts, feelings, and insights about this below.

If You’re Trying To Prove It, You Don’t Believe It

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My counselor Eleanor recently said to me, “Mike, if you’re trying to prove something, it means you don’t actually believe it yet.” Her words hit me right between the eyes, as they often do. She was right and as I reflect on certain aspects of my life, I can see that where I’m overly attached to proving myself, it’s because I don’t actually believe in my own skill, talent, or value (i.e. I’m looking for outside validation to “prove” my worth)…maybe you can relate to this?

In this week’s video blog, I talk about this phenomenon and how we can move from “proving” to “believing” in an authentic way.

Check out the video below and feel free to leave a comment here on my blog about it. You can share thoughts, questions, ideas, insights, or anything else that this video inspires.

There’s No Right Track

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I was talking to a mentor of mine a few weeks ago and I asked him, “Do you think I’m on the right track?”  He said to me, “Mike, the issue isn’t whether or not you’re on the ‘right’ track; it’s that you think there’s a ‘right’ track to begin with.”

As we talked about this more and I began to think about it in a different way, I realized that so often I find myself striving for this insatiable “right track,” as if there’s some place I’m “supposed” to be and some outside authority who can validate it for me.

While there’s nothing wrong with us seeking guidance, feedback, and support from mentors, friends, family members, coaches, counselors, teachers, experts, and more – the deepest truth is that our deepest truth comes from within.  It seems to be less a matter of making sure we’re on the “right” track and more a matter of living in alignment with who we are and what’s most important to us.

With all of the ideas, opinions, and influences around us (and in our own heads) living in authentic alignment isn’t always the easiest thing for us to do.  Here are a few things to think about and practice to deepen your capacity for this:

1) Listen to your inner wisdom 

How many times in your life have you thought to yourself, “I should have listened to my intuition on this?”  Often in hindsight after we’ve made a mistake, had a lapse in judgment, or experienced something painful, we realize that at some level we already knew it would turn out that way, we just didn’t listen to our instincts.  Whether it shows up as a gut feeling, intuitive hit, or just a thought, our inner wisdom is keen and important.  The more willing we are to listen to this inner wisdom and pay attention to it, the easier it becomes for us to live our lives with authenticity, truth, and alignment.

2) Trust yourself 

It’s one thing to pay attention to your inner wisdom and a whole other thing to actually trust it.  This same mentor of mine said to me a while back, “Mike you actually do trust yourself at a deep level, you just don’t trust that it’s safe to trust, which then causes you to doubt yourself.”  So often we let our brain, our logic, or the feedback of others override our deeper knowing and gut instincts.  While it’s not always easy to do, trusting ourselves and our inner guidance is essential in our journey of life and growth.  The more willing we are to listen and to trust the wisdom that comes from within; the less likely we are to give away our power to others and to the circumstances/situations of our lives.

3) Be willing to change 

Change is a funny thing in that most of us seek it and fear it simultaneously.  As much as I like to think of myself as someone who embraces change and is flexible, I often find myself quite resistant to changing.  And, one of the biggest things that can stop us from going for things, being bold, and making commitments in life is our fear of changing our minds.  Ironically, the more we embrace change the more authentically we’re able to commit and go for what we truly want.

Right now, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, however you’re feeling, and however “good” or “bad” you think you’re life is going, you’re not on the “right” or “wrong” track – you’re simply on the track you’re on (i.e. your life).  When we let go of our judgment about where we are and where we think we “should” be; we’re able to appreciate our lives, the people around us, and ourselves in a genuine way.  And, if there are changes we want to make that we believe will enhance our experience of life, we can make them from a place of truth, love, and wisdom.

Nothing Changes Until You Do

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In a recent session with my counselor Eleanor, she said something simple, but profound to me; “Nothing changes until you do.” She went on to say, “Mike, you keep trying to control and manipulate the situations, relationships, and outcomes in your life – thinking that if they changed in the way you want them to, you’d then change and things would be better. It actually works the other way around.”

The truth of Eleanor’s feedback resonated deeply with me and I’ve been contemplating it for the past few weeks. I realize that much more of my attention than I’d like to admit is focused on my attempts to change the circumstances, situations, and people around me – instead of focusing on the only thing I can really change, me.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

We’ve all had this experience in our lives in both big and small ways. Do you ever notice how when we’re having a bad day or a rough time in life, even the people and activities we normally love, don’t bring us the same amount of joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction? On the flip side, when we’re having a great day or things are going really well in life, even people or circumstances that might normally upset or annoy us, somehow seem much more manageable and less stressful. In those simple situations, our perspective and our own internal state, has a big impact on how we experience life, not the other way around.

What if we put more attention on our own growth, change, and transformation – and less attention on trying to fix, change, and alter the people and circumstances around us? This doesn’t mean that we’d stop caring about what other people do or say. It also doesn’t mean we wouldn’t give feedback or make requests of those around us. And, we wouldn’t stop working towards specific changes, goals, and dreams related to the most important aspects of our lives – our work, our health, our finances, our family, and more.

However, by letting go of our insatiable desire to fix and change everyone and everything around us, we give ourselves the space to focus our attention on the true source of our own happiness, success, and fulfillment – ourselves!

As we come to the end of this first month of the new year, many of us are still quite focused on our intentions, goals, and resolutions for 2013. As great as the accomplishment of any specific goal may be, what we’re almost always after with our resolutions, is positive and sustainable change.

As the saying goes, “The roots create the fruits.” This means that it’s our job to focus on our own growth, development, and internal transformation – and in so doing, we put ourselves in the best possible position to create the kind of change we truly want. Nothing changes until we change!

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