How do you feel about disappointment?
Many of us, myself included, focus on not disappointing others while at the same time protecting ourselves from being disappointed.
As I’ve been looking at this more deeply, I’m amazed by how much stress, fear, and worry I experience in my attempts to avoid the disappointment of those around me—family, friends, clients, and others.
But where do this stress and fear come from?
I can see that much of this comes from my own deeper fear of being disappointed and let down.
The irony, of course, is that no matter how hard I try to avoid disappointing others or being disappointed myself, it happens anyway.
By actively avoiding disappointment (of or by others), we set ourselves up for failure and pain. And, as I’ve seen recently, this makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to speak our truth, be ourselves, and live with a real sense of authenticity and peace.
What if we embraced disappointment instead of avoiding it?
We will inevitably disappoint people, especially when we live our lives in a bold, authentic, and passionate way. Speaking up, going for the things that are important to us, and taking care of ourselves are all things that at times won’t align with others and, in some cases, may even upset them.
However, it is possible for us to be mindful, empathetic, and aware of others and still be true to ourselves—these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Asking for what we want, counting on others, and trusting people (and ourselves)—all of which are essential for healthy, fulfilling, and genuine relationships—make us vulnerable to being disappointed and even hurt by the people in our lives.
Ironically, we end up getting more hurt and disappointed in the long run by withholding our desires and expectations. We might as well live out loud and be honest about how we feel, what we want, and what’s important to us.
Disappointment, as uncomfortable and even painful as it can be for many of us, is essential on our journey of growth, self-discovery, authenticity, and fulfillment.
Here are a few things you can consider and do to expand your capacity for disappointment in your own life.
Tips On How to Embrace Disappointment
1. Take inventory
Take an honest look at some of the most important relationships and activities in your life.
How many of your actions, thoughts, conversations, and more (or lack thereof) have to do with your avoidance of disappointing others or being disappointed?
Also, take a look at your relationship with disappointment in general—how do you feel about it?
Be honest with yourself and your feelings. When you’re honest with yourself, you can learn the most.
2. Practice saying no
This is a great practice, especially for those of us people pleasers who find ourselves saying yes to stuff we don’t want to do.
While there is great value in being someone who is willing to say yes in life, there is also power in owning our no as well. See if you can practice saying no to people, even if it’s scary or uncomfortable.
Set boundaries and stick to those boundaries. Be authentic and vulnerable about it—with yourself and others.
And, see if you can expand your capacity to decline requests to things you don’t want to do, remove things from your plate or schedule that don’t serve or inspire you, and make peace with yourself about it.
3. Expand and express your desires
Make a list (mental or written) of some of the most essential and vulnerable desires you currently have—the things you want but maybe have been afraid to admit (due to a fear of being disappointed).
Many of us don’t ask for, go for, or express things unless we’re pretty sure we can make them happen, get them, or be sure people will respond to them in a positive way.
When you allow yourself to tap into and express your authentic desires, even if what you want doesn’t seem possible at the moment, you give yourself the freedom to ask, dream, and create. One of my favorite sayings is, “The answer’s always ‘no’ if you don’t ask.” Start asking!
4. Be Kind to Yourself
As you delve into this, be kind to yourself. Grappling with disappointment is a big one for me and many people I know and work with. We all want to be loved, valued, and appreciated in our lives.
Most of us have had painful experiences of disappointment in the past, which have impacted us in a profound way. However, if we can alter our relationship to disappointment—we can transform our lives and our relationships in a profound way.
How do you feel about disappointing others? How about being disappointed? What can you do to make peace with and embrace disappointment in an empowering way? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more below in the comments.
I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.
Liked this post? Here are three more!
- The Important Difference Between Positive and Negative Competition
- Stay in the Present Moment
- How Do You Forgive Yourself?
This article was originally published on October 15, 2008, and updated for 2022.
Dear Mike,
What a wonderful post! I have been one of those people pleasers and learning to say no is incredibly liberating. I reframe it as not saying no to another but saying yes to myself. I have learned that when another hurts or disappoints me that it is an opportunity for me to grow and to also temper my response. I used to fall prey to feeling victimized by another when they ‘let me down’. I now transform the hurt and disappointment into compassion for the other person which is healing for both of us. It is an opportunity to heal the deep wounds from childhood and grow and as I heal those early wounds, I find I am much better equipped to manage disappointment and hurt in the present. I love the image of a teflon coating so that the disappointment doesn’t stick to me. When I focus with gratitude for all the people who are loving, kind and honor commitments they have made rather than those who disappoint, I find that more and more people come into my life with whom I experience more fulfilling relationships. Thanks again for a thought provoking and heart opening post.
Hi Mike!
You probably don’t remember me, but I attended a session of yours at a Lawson conference years ago and talked to you after. I’ve been inspired and following your work ever since.
This blog in particular really came at the perfect time as I’m working hard on showing up as my authentic self.
This has become even more important lately as I recently made the decision to leave my 11 year career in information technology to pursue a full-time career in professional speaking and coaching. Last fall I also attended the CTI coaching fundamentals class and thought of you. I’ll get in touch with you soon.
thank you again Mike- you are making a differnce,
Manley.
really inspiring. I feel less alone when I catch myself trying to please people. Sometimes I thought that it was just me that was so stupid. Now that I’m expressing my true needs it seems that I create interesting opportunities, often unexpected. For example while seeking for “true love” I find instead a deeper friendship and I let go of my habit of turning to any other authority but myself when I’m lost. This happened recently and was so unexpected. If the guy had fall in the trap of love I would not have learn my lesson about sovereignty so yay to authenticity !
This is my first time to leave a comment on your blog although been reading and following you eversince I found your articles through Kaiser where my husband is a physician. We were able to meet you one Saturday when you gave a workshop to all the physician at Kaiser and personally took a photo with you as remembrance that I am a big fan of you and your works. Once again, thanks for this article. Your thoughts and ideas have been truly helpful and doing miracles in our relationship. May you always be blessed with good health and wisdom to write more and provide inspiration to others….
Hey Mike. Beautiful post.-Devang
I love your new look! This article really hits home with a lot of people. I totally agree that we need to learn to let go of our “people pleasing” ways to live a more authentic life. If a friend gets angry at you for saying no, then that is a user, not a friend. Thanks, Mike!
I like very much your new look . Actually I enjoy so much your books and articles it has been inspiring. I changed my life building a practice of aquatic therapy and my life is bolder than ever. I am so happy to be myself and being paid for what I love. I left my business suit for bathing suit, high heels for bare foot , desk for a pool and dolphins and now I just have to impress myself every day with my blessings. Everything else is an imitation of life.
I am so glad I have followed you. Now I just wrote a book and is published in Amazon and Barnes and Noble nationwide. The Water Kite Journey, Get Wet and Heal!
Thanks for your inspiration.
Debbie
Thank you all for your wonderful and insightful comments on this post!
-Mike
I love this…Thanks, Mike! “As Dr. Seuss so brilliantly said, ‘Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.'” A perfect summary!!!
What a blessing to stumble upon this blog! While other articles in google talks about being disappointed, this is one if those rare blog who talked about disappointing people instead.
Recently I found out that I had disappoint a family member that I look up to by refusing her offer to work with her. She told me just now how much disappointed she was with me.
It feels so freaking awful, as if someone had punched me in the gut. At this point I rather be disappointed than disappoint.
Thanks for the great article, it makes me feel much better!
This post helped me so much. I have only recently started to feel free in the sense that I will be disappointing others with some decisions I make. Reading this has helped me understand and process this wonderful new feeling in a way I couldn’t have done for myself. Thank you.
Thank you. Simply.
That’s the help, that I needed. Thank you!
That’s a hard lesson