Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

compassion

Life’s Easy… It’s Dealing With Ourselves That’s Hard

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When we make peace with ourselves, everything changes.

Over the years and the experiences I’ve had – particularly in my professional life – I’ve learned that writing, speaking, and coaching are relatively easy things for me to do. It’s dealing with myself that’s the hardest part.

I think this is true with most of the things we do in life – even the most challenging ones.  It’s usually our own fears, doubts, insecurities, attachments, and resistance that make things difficult, not so much the things themselves.

When We Make Peace With Ourselves, Life Flows With More Ease

Regardless of the specific circumstances we’re facing or tasks in front of us, when we make peace with ourselves and what’s going on, things tend to flow with more ease, joy, and grace.  When we’re not at peace with ourselves or life, it doesn’t matter how “good” or “bad” things may be circumstantially, we suffer.

So how do we make peace with ourselves and overcome our fears, doubts, and insecurities?

Making Peace with Ourselves

Here are three core lessons for how we can make peace with ourselves at a deeper level:

1. Have Compassion For Yourself

Self-compassion is one of the most important aspects of life and growth, but is often something we either overlook, think is “soft,” misunderstand, or simply don’t know how to practice.

There are three key elements to self-compassion:

  1. Mindfulness and awareness for how we’re treating ourselves.
  2. A sense of kindness and forgiveness towards ourselves
  3. A realization of our common humanity with others (i.e. remembering that we’re not alone in our experience).

In my life I’ve realized that when I’m able to be gentle and kind with myself and reduce my self-criticism, not only are things more fun, I’ve actually been able to achieve much more success.

2.  Surrender to Life as it Actually Is

Surrendering isn’t about giving up or giving in, it’s about making peace with what is (even if we don’t like it.)

A big paradox in life is that until we can be at peace with what’s actually happening in the moment (i.e. letting go of our resistance and of our obsessive focus on how things should be), we’re not able to make the changes we want or to experience the joy we desire.

Whenever we resist, judge, or fight against what is happening in our lives, we suffer.  However, when we’re able to allow things to be exactly as they are, it can be remarkable to see how easily things have flowed.

3.  Take Ownership 

Ownership is about taking full responsibility for our lives and for what shows up around us.  This can be tricky for a few reasons.

First of all, we live in a culture that loves to blame and make excuses, so we’re swimming in that ocean all the time.  Second of all, there are a lot of things that happen in and around us that we don’t have direct control over (other people, the economy, the weather, decisions, and many circumstances and situations – both personal and global).

However, we always have a choice about how we relate to what’s going on and how we interpret the things happening around us and even within us.  When we take ownership we let go of blaming and excuses (or we notice as soon as we can when we’re heading down that negative road.)  And, we make a commitment to ourselves that we’re going to create what we truly want – not simply react to life as if it is “happening to us.”

These are all fairly simple concepts, but like many things I write and speak about, understanding them is quite different than practicing and embodying them (i.e. they’re easier said than done.)

When we cultivate empathy and compassion for ourselves and embrace the realization that meaningful change begins with us, we gain a profound understanding that we hold the key to our own joy, pain, triumphs, and challenges.

It’s both sobering and liberating when we embrace the idea that we are the source of our own happiness or suffering.  When we get this and live this way, we release ourselves from a great deal of unnecessary stress and make ourselves available to show up for others and for life in an open, authentic, and empowered way.

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This article was published in 2014 and updated for 2023.

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

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My friend and colleague, Dr. Robert Holden, poignantly says, “There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.”

Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual’s acceptance of all of their attributes, positive or negative.”

So much of our life and our work is focused on self-improvement.  And while there’s nothing wrong with us wanting to improve ourselves – too often we go about it erroneously thinking that if we achieve the improvement we’re after, we’ll then feel good about ourselves.

But it actually doesn’t work that way.

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

Self-improvement and self-acceptance are both vital in a balanced life. Self-acceptance promotes inner peace while self-improvement fuels progress. It’s important to find a harmonious balance between the two to lead to genuine self-empowerment.

This balance can be tricky. In today’s world – especially with everyone posting the highlight reels of their lives on social media – it’s easy to compare ourselves to others.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with self-improvement.  We turn on the TV, surf the web, look at magazines, browse through our feeds, take classes, read books, listen to others, and more – constantly getting various messages that if we just fixed or improved ourselves a bit, we’d be better off.  How often do you find yourself thinking some version of, “If I just lost a little weight, made a little more money, improved my health, had more inspiring work, lived in a nicer place, improved my relationships (or something else), then I’d be happy.” Even though I know better, this type of thinking shows up inside my own head more often than I’d like.

The paradox of self-improvement is that by accepting ourselves as we are, we give ourselves the space, permission, and opportunity to create an authentic sense of success and fulfillment.  When we insatiably focus on improving ourselves, thinking that it will ultimately lead us to a place of happiness, we’re almost always disappointed and we set up a stressful dynamic of constantly striving, but never quite getting there.

What if we gave ourselves permission to accept ourselves fully, right now?  While this is a simple concept, it’s one of the many things in life that’s easier said than done.

Why Do We Resist Self-Acceptance?

One of the biggest pieces of resistance we have regarding self-acceptance is that we erroneously think that by accepting ourselves, we may somehow be giving up.  It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Okay, I’ll accept myself, once all of my problems and issues go away.”

Another reason we resist accepting ourselves is the notion that somehow acceptance is resignation.  It’s not.  Acceptance is acceptance – it’s about allowing things to be as they are, even if we don’t like them.  As Byron Katie says (and I often quote), “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

The paradox of self-acceptance lies in the realization that embracing our true selves, including our current circumstances, qualities, and imperfections, opens the door to genuine personal growth and positive transformation.

By acknowledging who we are without judgment, we create an authentic space for change to occur naturally. However, when we become fixated on demanding changes solely to achieve happiness, self-esteem, or success, we often find ourselves frustrated and unfulfilled. True progress arises from a foundation of self-acceptance, where inner contentment allows us to organically pursue meaningful improvements, leading to a more genuine and satisfying journey of self-discovery.

If you take a moment right now to think about some of the most important changes you’re attempting to make in your life, ask yourself this question, “What would it look like, feel like, and be like for me to fully accept myself in these important areas?”

Often, our biggest obstacles to making meaningful changes, achieving success, and finding fulfillment, stem from self-criticism, the pursuit of perfection, and impatience. These self-imposed barriers hinder our progress and overshadow our potential for growth and accomplishment.

By learning to embrace self-compassion, accepting that perfection is not attainable, and practicing patience, we create a nurturing environment for personal development and genuine fulfillment. Letting go of harsh self-judgment allows us to focus on the journey rather than fixating on outcomes, enabling us to appreciate the incremental steps and learn from setbacks along the way. In doing so, we unlock the true potential within ourselves to thrive and prosper.

What if we changed our approach, and with as much love, compassion, and vulnerability as possible, just accepted ourselves exactly as we are, right now?

Liked this article? Here are three more:

There’s No Right Track
The Importance of Live Conversations in a Digital Age
You Have More Than This Requires

This article was published in 2013 and updated for 2023.

This, Too, Shall Pass

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This, too, shall pass.

It is a saying we hear often. People will say it to us when we are going through something difficult, and while there is profound truth and wisdom in this mantra, it can also be tricky.

We must be careful about when and how we say this phrase to others and how we think about it ourselves, especially these days. 

So, how can we embrace this in an authentic way amidst our own challenges right now? 

How Can We Embrace “This, Too, Shall Pass?”

A big part of embracing “this, too, shall pass” is reminding ourselves that good and bad times don’t last. We can surrender to life’s ebbs and flows, including when we go through something difficult and when we go through something great.

The tricky thing about this phrase, though, is that it sometimes minimizes the experiences that people have. 

People go through many challenges and difficulties throughout their lives, and it’s essential to be mindful of this. It’s also important not to compare our challenges, pain, or suffering to what other people are going through. 

Imagine someone who is sick or has lost someone close to them. Telling the person that “this, too, shall pass” can be insensitive. It may not speak to the challenge or pain of the moment they’re experiencing.

“This, too, shall pass” is similar to the common saying that “everything happens for a reason” or that “there’s always a silver lining.” While it’s all true, saying these things to people doesn’t often support them or honor their experience.

Remember to be Mindful

We must be mindful when we say these phrases to others – and ourselves. It’s critical to acknowledge the difficulty and challenge of particular experiences with empathy.

We’ve all been through painful things and figured out how to get through them.  None of us have been through a global pandemic before, and we are just now beginning to really deal with the impact and difficulties it had on our lives, culture, and economy. 

What Can You Control?

Experiences teach us things, and while we can’t control everything in life, what we can control is how we show up. 

There are really only two things we can control – our attitude and our effort. Everything else is out of our control.

We’ve all made it through and survived 100 percent of the challenges we’ve endured up to this point in our lives.

We’re All in This Together

Our world has gone through unbelievable stress, challenge, difficulty, war, change, and more throughout history.. But through our adaptability, resilience, grit, and good fortune, we as individuals, families, communities, a nation, and the world have figured out how to overcome these challenges. This doesn’t mean there’s no loss, pain, or impact, but we do know how to get through hard times.

It’s important to acknowledge that life is often an emotional rollercoaster, it’s also critical to allow ourselves to feel the emotions and trust that they will pass – that we will get through it. It doesn’t mean we know exactly when we will get through it, but that’s all a part of the process. 

Remembering that we’re all in this together and that this, too, shall pass are two essential things we can hold onto in the midst of everything going on. Remembering how strong and resilient we are and knowing that we will get through whatever we are dealing with are essential things for us to focus on as we navigate any challenge we face.

 

How do you work your way through challenging times? What can you do to support others going through difficulties? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

 

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We’re All In This Together

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Like so many people here in the United States and around the world, I’ve had a very strong reaction to our election.  Given the pre-election polls, I was shocked by the outcome, and given how I voted, I was disappointed by it.  As I’ve ridden the roller coaster of intense emotions over the past week and listened to reactions, read articles, and talked with people in my life – I’ve been struck by the profound level of division and disconnection in our society, which actually concerns me as much as almost anything else right now.

Elections often get nasty and we tend to hold our political views passionately.  However, as a student of American politics (my degree from college is in American Studies) who has followed campaigns pretty closely for most of my adult life, this one has been particularly negative and divisive.  And, with issues of race, gender, and class being so prominent in the debate, it took on even more intensity and fear than I’ve ever seen or experienced.

In response to some of my feelings and insights about the election – specifically related to my concerns about the treatment of women, people of color, and members of the LGBTQ community, I wrote an “open letter to my fellow straight white men” last week and posted it on social media.  It felt both important and scary for me to write this piece and share it.

The feedback has been mixed, but enlightening – lots of comments of support, as well as many comments of disagreement.  More than disagreeing with me, however, I’ve received a number of personal attacks – people calling me horrible names (especially onTwitter), questioning my manhood and intelligence, and more.

I realize that people’s emotions are running hot right now, but I wasn’t quite prepared for this reaction.  However, I think this is important to pay attention to on a few levels. After my initial shock and stopping myself from reacting back in anger, I’ve read through all of the comments and have been sitting with my feelings of anger, sadness, confusion, defensiveness, fear, and more. When we feel attacked, it’s easier to either fight back or run away…but I think it’s even more important to lean in, get curious, and be willing to engage.

Engaging in dialogue or debate about important issues online is tricky and often unproductive – I rarely do it. I also don’t often get intense negative reactions to the things I write and say – both because of the general topics I focus on and also because of the size and nature of the audience with whom I’m communicating.

One of the main reasons I don’t usually write about or talk about politics, as well as issues of race, gender, class, oppression, and/or anything else that may be considered “controversial,” is because I don’t want to create more division – there is so much of this in our culture as it is. My work, as well as my overall approach to life, is focused on inclusiveness as much as possible. I also, quite frankly, don’t really like being called names, attacked, or criticized – I’m a pretty sensitive person, so throughout my life and with my work, I have chosen to stay away from things and topics that might open me up to harsh judgments from others.

This election outcome and the feelings and reactions of the past week have pointed out a few things to me about this. First of all, for a variety of reasons, I think it’s important for me (and many of us) to be willing get past our fears and talk about these important topics, even and especially if they’re uncomfortable. Second of all, this is hard and most of us, myself included, aren’t that skilled, experienced or comfortable doing it – especially with the intensity of the emotions and the situation right now. We also often have blind spots and insecurities – some of which we’re aware of, some of which we aren’t.  And, third of all, there is a lot of anger, fear, and separation in our country and our world right now. I’m not sure I was as fully aware of it before the election as I am now.  It’s there and although the intensity of this past week may dissipate a bit as we move into the holiday season, the underlying issues and disconnections don’t seem to be going away on their own or anytime soon.

My primary question to myself right now is: How can we lean in and engage with one another about these important issues in an authentic and productive way?  The challenge I’m sitting with personally at the moment is how to speak up for what I believe to be true and important, and at the same time do so in a way that brings me closer to those who may disagree with me?

My main questions to all of us are: How can we speak our minds and keep our hearts open? How can we stand up for those we believe are being discriminated against, and not discriminate against others in the process? How can we engage in big, complex problems, and come up with solutions (not just argue and make things worse)?  How can we be both fierce and kind at the same time? How can we see and take responsibility for our own bias and arrogance, and actually listen to one another with understanding?

I’m not sure there are easy answers to any of these questions, but it feels as important as ever to be asking them right now.  I do believe strongly that if we’re willing to ask and answer these questions, and if we have the courage to engage with each other in a productive way, it’s going to take an enormous amount of authenticity by all of us.

As I’ve learned over the past many years studying human behavior and relationships, and specifically inquiring into the nature of authenticity, it’s much easier said than done to be authentic.  Authenticity is about having the courage to be honest, first and foremost.  But, it’s also about having the self-awareness to remove our self-righteousness and the confidence to embrace vulnerability.  Honesty, without self-righteousness, and with vulnerability is what true authenticity is all about.

Dr. Martin Luther King said “We have no morally persuasive power with those who can feel our underlying contempt for them.”

What’s tricky about this for most of us is that when we’re being self-righteous, we don’t think we’re being self-righteous, we think we’re RIGHT.  Self-righteousness fundamentally separates us from one another.  If I’m “right” about something and you don’t agree with me, that makes you “wrong,” and now we have a wall between us.  The natural human response to self-righteousness is defensiveness.

On the other hand, when we have the courage and confidence to be vulnerable, we let down our guard and share what’s true and real within us.  The natural human response to vulnerability is empathy.  Empathy brings us together and connects us with one another.  It also reminds us that we’re more alike than we are different – even when we disagree.

As hard as it may be for some of us right now, it seems to me that what we need is more empathy, understanding, and compassion for one another as human beings.  Some of us are mortified by the election results, some of us are thrilled.  I think that most of us are some version of scared – this is a change and a big change. Like with any change, we don’t know what will happen and how it will turn out.  Whether we think it’s likely to be terrible, move our country in the wrong direction, and have a negative impact on us and those we love, or we think it is going to be wonderful, move our country in the right direction, and have a positive impact on us and those we love, we simply have no way of knowing at this moment.

What we do know for sure, is that we can’t really do too much without each other.  In other words, WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!

How are you feeling about the election?  What can you do?  How can we work together and come together after all of this?  Share your thoughts, feelings, and insights about this below.

 

Remember That We’re All Doing the Best We Can

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I’m sometimes amazed and embarrassed by how critical I can be – both of other people and of myself.  Even though I both teach and practice the power of appreciation (as well as acceptance, compassion, authenticity, and more) when I find myself feeling scared, threatened, or insecure (which happens more often than I’d like it to), I notice that I can be quite judgmental.  Sadly, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being critical and judgmental never works, feels good, or leads me to what I truly want in my relationships and in my life.  Maybe you can you relate to this yourself?

I’ve recently been challenged by a few situations and relationships that have triggered an intense critical response – both towards myself and those involved.  As I’ve been noticing this, working through it, and looking for alternative ways to respond, I’m reminded of something I heard Louise Hay say a number of years ago.  She said, “It’s important to remember that people are always doing the best they can, including you.”

The power of this statement resonated with me deeply when I heard it and continues to have an impact on me to this day.  And, although I sometimes forget this, when I do remember that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever tools and resources we have (and given the circumstances and situations we’re experiencing), it usually calms me down and creates a sense of compassion for the people I’m dealing with and for myself.

Unfortunately, too often we take things personally that aren’t, look for what’s wrong, and critically judge the people around us and ourselves, instead of bringing a sense of love, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, and appreciation to the most important (and often most challenging) situations and relationships in our lives.

When we take a step back and remember that most of the time people aren’t “out to get us,” purposefully doing things to upset or annoy us, or consciously trying to make mistakes, disappoint us, or create difficulty (they’re simply doing the best they can and what they think makes the most sense) – we can save ourselves from unnecessary overreactions and stress.  And, when we’re able to have this same awareness and compassion in how we relate to ourselves, we can dramatically alter our lives and relationships in a positive way.

Here are some things you can do and remember in this regard:

  • Give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time people have good intentions.  Many of us, myself included, have been trained to be cautious and suspicious of others, even seeing this as an important and effective skill in life and business.  However, we almost always get what we expect from people, so the more often we give people the benefit of the doubt, the more often they will prove us “right,” and the less often we will waste our precious time and energy on cynicism, suspicion, and judgment.
  • Don’t take things personally. One of my favorite sayings is, “You wouldn’t worry about what other people think about you so much, if you realized how little they actually did.”  The truth is that most people are focused on themselves much more than on us.  Too often in life we take things personally that have nothing to do with us.  This doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us or treat us in disrespectful or hurtful ways (it can be important for us to speak up and push back at times in life).  However, when we stop taking things so personally, we liberate ourselves from needless upset, defensiveness, and conflict.
  • Look for the good. Another way to say what I mentioned above about getting what we expect from other people is that we almost always find what we look for.  If you want to find some things about me that you don’t like, consider obnoxious, or get on your nerves – just look for them, I’m sure you’ll come up with some.  On the flip side, if you want to find some of my best qualities and things you appreciate about me, just look for those – they are there too.  As Werner Erhard said, “In every human being there is both garbage and gold, it’s up to us to choose what we pay attention to.” Looking for the good in others (as well as in life and in ourselves), is one of the best ways to find things to appreciate and be grateful for.
  • Seek first to understand. Often when we’re frustrated, annoyed, or in conflict with another person (or group of people), we don’t feel seen, heard, or understood.  As challenging and painful as this can be, one of the best things we can do is to shift our attention from trying to get other people to understand us (or being irritated that it seems like they don’t), is to seek to understand the other person (or people) involved in an authentic way. This can be difficult, especially when the situation or conflict is very personal and emotional to us. However, seeking to understand is one of the best ways for us to liberate ourselves from the grip of criticism and judgment, and often helps shift the dynamic of the entire thing. Being curious, understanding, and even empathetic of another person and their perspective or feelings doesn’t mean we agree with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they’re coming from – which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them, and ultimately resolving the conflict.
  • Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself). Being gentle is the opposite of being critical. When we’re gentle, we’re compassionate, kind, and loving. We may not like, agree with, or totally understand what someone has done (or why), but we can be gentle in how we respond and engage with them. Being gentle isn’t about condoning or appeasing anyone or anything, it’s about having a true sense of empathy and perspective. And, the most important place for us to bring a sense of gentleness is to ourselves. Many of us have a tendency to be hyper self-critical. Sadly, some of the harshest criticism we dole out in life is aimed right at us. Another great saying I love is, “We don’t see people as they are, we see them as we are.” As we alter how we relate to ourselves, our relationship to everyone else and to the world around us is altered in a fundamental way.

As the Dalai Lama so brilliantly says, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” Everyone around us – our friends, co-workers, significant other, family members, children, service people, clients, and even people we don’t know or care for – are doing the best they can, given the resources they have. When we remember this and come from a truly compassionate perspective (with others and with ourselves), we’re able to tap into a deeper level of peace, appreciation, and fulfillment.