Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

compassion

We’re All Doing the Best We Can

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I truly believe that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever our current situations and resources may be.

However, many of us can be extremely critical of ourselves and others. And even though I’ve been teaching and practicing the power of appreciation for more than two decades, when I find myself feeling scared, threatened, or insecure (which happens more often than I’d like it to), I notice that I can be quite critical (of myself and other people).

Sadly, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being judgmental doesn’t help, feel good, or lead me to what I truly want in my relationships, work, and life.

Doing the Best We Can

I heard the late, great Louise Hay (bestselling author and founder of Hay House, the publisher of my three most recent books), say a number of years ago, “It’s important to remember that people are always doing the best they can, including you.”

The power of this statement continues to have an impact on me to this day.  And, although I sometimes forget, when I do remember that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever tools we have and the circumstances we’re experiencing, it usually calms me down and creates a sense of empathy and compassion for the people I’m dealing with and for myself.

When we take a step back and remember that most of the time people aren’t out to get us, we can save ourselves from unnecessary overreactions and stress.  And extending this understanding and kindness towards ourselves can significantly improve our lives and relationships.

As the Dalai Lama so reminds us, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

How to Practice Compassion

Here are some things you can do to practice compassion.

1. Give people the benefit of the doubt 

Most of the time people have good intentions.  Many of us, myself included, have been trained to be cautious and suspicious of others, even seeing this as an important and effective skill in life and business.  However, we almost always get what we expect from people, so the more often we give people the benefit of the doubt, the more often they’ll prove us right, and the less often we will waste our precious time and energy on cynicism, suspicion, and judgment.

2. Don’t take things personally

I love the great saying, “You wouldn’t worry about what other people think about you so much, if you realized how little they actually did.”  The truth is that most people are focused on themselves much more than on us.  Too often we take things personally that have nothing to do with us.  This doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us or treat us in disrespectful ways (it can be important for us to speak up and have healthy boundaries).  However, when we stop taking things so personally, we liberate ourselves from needless upset, defensiveness, and conflict.

3. Look for the good

We almost always find what we look for.  If you want to find some things about me that you don’t like, consider obnoxious, or get on your nerves – just look for them, I’m sure you’ll come up with some.  On the flip side, if you want to find some of my best qualities and things you appreciate about me, just look for those – they are there too.  As Werner Erhard said, “In every human being there is both garbage and gold, it’s up to us to choose what we pay attention to.” Looking for the good in others (as well as in life and in ourselves), is one of the best ways to find things to appreciate and be grateful for.

4. Seek first to understand 

Often when we’re frustrated, annoyed, or in conflict with another person (or group of people), we don’t feel seen, heard, or understood.  As challenging and painful as this can be, one of the best things we can do is to shift our attention from trying to get other people to understand us (or being irritated that it seems like they don’t), to seeking to understand the other person (or people) involved in an authentic way.

Understanding others can be difficult, especially when the situation or conflict is very personal and emotional. However, seeking to understand is one of the best ways for us to liberate ourselves from the grip of criticism and judgment, and often helps shift the overall dynamic. Being curious and empathic of another person and their perspective doesn’t mean we agree with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they’re coming from – which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them, and ultimately resolving the conflict.

5. Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself)

Being gentle is the opposite of being critical. When we’re gentle, we’re compassionate, kind, and loving. We may not like, agree with, or totally understand what someone has done (or why), but we can be gentle in how we respond and engage with them. This is about having a true sense of empathy and perspective. And, the most important place for us to bring a sense of gentleness is to ourselves. Many of us have a tendency to be hyper self-critical. Sadly, some of the harshest criticism we dole out in life is aimed right at us. Another great saying I love is, “We don’t see people as they are, we see them as we are.” As we alter how we relate to ourselves, our relationship to everyone else and to the world shifts in a fundamental way.

Everyone around us – our friends, co-workers, significant other, family members, children, clients, and even people we don’t know or care for – are doing the best they can, given the resources they have. When we remember this and come from a truly compassionate perspective (with others and with ourselves), we’re able to tap into a deeper level of peace, appreciation, and fulfillment.

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How to Get Honest Feedback

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How do you react when you get feedback?

If you’re anything like me, you may both love and hate it at the same time. And while most of us want to receive helpful, honest feedback, at the same time, we’re often scared about what people might say – especially if it could hurt our feelings, ruffle our feathers, or leave us feeling insecure, vulnerable, or embarrassed.

For the most part, and in many situations, groups, and relationships in our lives, there is an unspoken, unconscious agreement that we make with others – “I won’t call you on yours if you don’t call me on mine.” While this makes sense and is understandable, the lack of authenticity doesn’t serve us, bring us closer to others, or allow us to support and empower each other in any real way (which is what most of us truly want).

Reflect on some of the important feedback you’ve received throughout your life and career and acknowledge its significant contribution to your growth and progress. While some of this feedback may have initially been uncomfortable to receive, it’s likely that you deeply appreciated not only the feedback itself but you’re also grateful for the people in your life who have and continue to tell you the truth like this.

It takes courage to both give and receive feedback. In fact, it’s one of the most profound gifts we can offer others. Embracing the honest feedback and guidance from others is a critical aspect of living a life of success, continual growth, and authenticity.

Tips on How to Get Honest Feedback

Receiving feedback is crucial for our development and performance. It offers valuable insights, identifies areas for improvement, and fosters a culture of continuous learning in any environment. Embracing feedback enhances self-awareness, strengthens relationships, and contributes to ongoing growth.

Here are some essential things to think about and practice as you increase your ability to receive feedback:

1) Ask for it 

Since honest feedback can be a tricky thing, and many of us are a little insecure about giving feedback, letting people know that you want them to be real with you and proactively requesting their authentic feedback, is a great way to make sure you get it. Give people permission to be straight with you – even if you feel nervous about what they might say. We usually get what we ask for.

2) Be open to feedback, but remember it’s not the “truth” 

It’s important for us to be open to people’s feedback, whether or not we asked for it, and at the same time remember that nothing anyone says to us is the “truth,” (it’s just their opinion). This is one of the many paradoxes of getting feedback from others. Just because they say it doesn’t make it so.

At the same time, the best approach we can take is to be as open as possible. Try on their feedback like you would a coat – if it fits and can help, use it. If not, let it go in a thoughtful and respectful way. However, be careful about your ego – which will want to argue with the feedback you don’t like as a way of survival (yet another paradox).

3) Give honest feedback to others

Be willing to speak up and share your feedback with others, with permission and in a productive way. This is not about “tit for tat” or some kind of competition, but if we really want to create relationships, teams, families, and environments where we can talk to each other in an open, vulnerable, and authentic way – we have to be willing to speak up and be real. Doing this not only gives us the opportunity to make a difference for others, but it also creates a standard by which we relate to one another and communicate.

Providing honest feedback is vital for fostering growth, building trust, and promoting effective communication. It enables people and teams to improve, encourages accountability, and strengthens relationships.

Have empathy and compassion for yourself and others as you engage in these types of honest conversations – they can be sensitive and challenging (especially at first). And, as we all know and have experienced, when we’re willing to get real and give each other honest feedback like this, it can be incredibly beneficial to each of us and all of us.

What can you do to get more honest and effective feedback?  Share your thoughts, ideas, challenges, and questions about this in the comments below.

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Life’s Easy… It’s Dealing With Ourselves That’s Hard

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When we make peace with ourselves, everything changes.

Over the years and the experiences I’ve had – particularly in my professional life – I’ve learned that writing, speaking, and coaching are relatively easy things for me to do. It’s dealing with myself that’s the hardest part.

I think this is true with most of the things we do in life – even the most challenging ones.  It’s usually our own fears, doubts, insecurities, attachments, and resistance that make things difficult, not so much the things themselves.

When We Make Peace With Ourselves, Life Flows With More Ease

Regardless of the specific circumstances we’re facing or tasks in front of us, when we make peace with ourselves and what’s going on, things tend to flow with more ease, joy, and grace.  When we’re not at peace with ourselves or life, it doesn’t matter how “good” or “bad” things may be circumstantially, we suffer.

So how do we make peace with ourselves and overcome our fears, doubts, and insecurities?

Making Peace with Ourselves

Here are three core lessons for how we can make peace with ourselves at a deeper level:

1. Have Compassion For Yourself

Self-compassion is one of the most important aspects of life and growth, but is often something we either overlook, think is “soft,” misunderstand, or simply don’t know how to practice.

There are three key elements to self-compassion:

  1. Mindfulness and awareness for how we’re treating ourselves.
  2. A sense of kindness and forgiveness towards ourselves
  3. A realization of our common humanity with others (i.e. remembering that we’re not alone in our experience).

In my life I’ve realized that when I’m able to be gentle and kind with myself and reduce my self-criticism, not only are things more fun, I’ve actually been able to achieve much more success.

2.  Surrender to Life as it Actually Is

Surrendering isn’t about giving up or giving in, it’s about making peace with what is (even if we don’t like it.)

A big paradox in life is that until we can be at peace with what’s actually happening in the moment (i.e. letting go of our resistance and of our obsessive focus on how things should be), we’re not able to make the changes we want or to experience the joy we desire.

Whenever we resist, judge, or fight against what is happening in our lives, we suffer.  However, when we’re able to allow things to be exactly as they are, it can be remarkable to see how easily things have flowed.

3.  Take Ownership 

Ownership is about taking full responsibility for our lives and for what shows up around us.  This can be tricky for a few reasons.

First of all, we live in a culture that loves to blame and make excuses, so we’re swimming in that ocean all the time.  Second of all, there are a lot of things that happen in and around us that we don’t have direct control over (other people, the economy, the weather, decisions, and many circumstances and situations – both personal and global).

However, we always have a choice about how we relate to what’s going on and how we interpret the things happening around us and even within us.  When we take ownership we let go of blaming and excuses (or we notice as soon as we can when we’re heading down that negative road.)  And, we make a commitment to ourselves that we’re going to create what we truly want – not simply react to life as if it is “happening to us.”

These are all fairly simple concepts, but like many things I write and speak about, understanding them is quite different than practicing and embodying them (i.e. they’re easier said than done.)

When we cultivate empathy and compassion for ourselves and embrace the realization that meaningful change begins with us, we gain a profound understanding that we hold the key to our own joy, pain, triumphs, and challenges.

It’s both sobering and liberating when we embrace the idea that we are the source of our own happiness or suffering.  When we get this and live this way, we release ourselves from a great deal of unnecessary stress and make ourselves available to show up for others and for life in an open, authentic, and empowered way.

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This article was published in 2014 and updated for 2023.

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

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My friend and colleague, Dr. Robert Holden, poignantly says, “There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.”

Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual’s acceptance of all of their attributes, positive or negative.”

So much of our life and our work is focused on self-improvement.  And while there’s nothing wrong with us wanting to improve ourselves – too often we go about it erroneously thinking that if we achieve the improvement we’re after, we’ll then feel good about ourselves.

But it actually doesn’t work that way.

Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance

Self-improvement and self-acceptance are both vital in a balanced life. Self-acceptance promotes inner peace while self-improvement fuels progress. It’s important to find a harmonious balance between the two to lead to genuine self-empowerment.

This balance can be tricky. In today’s world – especially with everyone posting the highlight reels of their lives on social media – it’s easy to compare ourselves to others.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with self-improvement.  We turn on the TV, surf the web, look at magazines, browse through our feeds, take classes, read books, listen to others, and more – constantly getting various messages that if we just fixed or improved ourselves a bit, we’d be better off.  How often do you find yourself thinking some version of, “If I just lost a little weight, made a little more money, improved my health, had more inspiring work, lived in a nicer place, improved my relationships (or something else), then I’d be happy.” Even though I know better, this type of thinking shows up inside my own head more often than I’d like.

The paradox of self-improvement is that by accepting ourselves as we are, we give ourselves the space, permission, and opportunity to create an authentic sense of success and fulfillment.  When we insatiably focus on improving ourselves, thinking that it will ultimately lead us to a place of happiness, we’re almost always disappointed and we set up a stressful dynamic of constantly striving, but never quite getting there.

What if we gave ourselves permission to accept ourselves fully, right now?  While this is a simple concept, it’s one of the many things in life that’s easier said than done.

Why Do We Resist Self-Acceptance?

One of the biggest pieces of resistance we have regarding self-acceptance is that we erroneously think that by accepting ourselves, we may somehow be giving up.  It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Okay, I’ll accept myself, once all of my problems and issues go away.”

Another reason we resist accepting ourselves is the notion that somehow acceptance is resignation.  It’s not.  Acceptance is acceptance – it’s about allowing things to be as they are, even if we don’t like them.  As Byron Katie says (and I often quote), “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

The paradox of self-acceptance lies in the realization that embracing our true selves, including our current circumstances, qualities, and imperfections, opens the door to genuine personal growth and positive transformation.

By acknowledging who we are without judgment, we create an authentic space for change to occur naturally. However, when we become fixated on demanding changes solely to achieve happiness, self-esteem, or success, we often find ourselves frustrated and unfulfilled. True progress arises from a foundation of self-acceptance, where inner contentment allows us to organically pursue meaningful improvements, leading to a more genuine and satisfying journey of self-discovery.

If you take a moment right now to think about some of the most important changes you’re attempting to make in your life, ask yourself this question, “What would it look like, feel like, and be like for me to fully accept myself in these important areas?”

Often, our biggest obstacles to making meaningful changes, achieving success, and finding fulfillment, stem from self-criticism, the pursuit of perfection, and impatience. These self-imposed barriers hinder our progress and overshadow our potential for growth and accomplishment.

By learning to embrace self-compassion, accepting that perfection is not attainable, and practicing patience, we create a nurturing environment for personal development and genuine fulfillment. Letting go of harsh self-judgment allows us to focus on the journey rather than fixating on outcomes, enabling us to appreciate the incremental steps and learn from setbacks along the way. In doing so, we unlock the true potential within ourselves to thrive and prosper.

What if we changed our approach, and with as much love, compassion, and vulnerability as possible, just accepted ourselves exactly as we are, right now?

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This article was published in 2013 and updated for 2023.

This, Too, Shall Pass

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This, too, shall pass.

It is a saying we hear often. People will say it to us when we are going through something difficult, and while there is profound truth and wisdom in this mantra, it can also be tricky.

We must be careful about when and how we say this phrase to others and how we think about it ourselves, especially these days. 

So, how can we embrace this in an authentic way amidst our own challenges right now? 

How Can We Embrace “This, Too, Shall Pass?”

A big part of embracing “this, too, shall pass” is reminding ourselves that good and bad times don’t last. We can surrender to life’s ebbs and flows, including when we go through something difficult and when we go through something great.

The tricky thing about this phrase, though, is that it sometimes minimizes the experiences that people have. 

People go through many challenges and difficulties throughout their lives, and it’s essential to be mindful of this. It’s also important not to compare our challenges, pain, or suffering to what other people are going through. 

Imagine someone who is sick or has lost someone close to them. Telling the person that “this, too, shall pass” can be insensitive. It may not speak to the challenge or pain of the moment they’re experiencing.

“This, too, shall pass” is similar to the common saying that “everything happens for a reason” or that “there’s always a silver lining.” While it’s all true, saying these things to people doesn’t often support them or honor their experience.

Remember to be Mindful

We must be mindful when we say these phrases to others – and ourselves. It’s critical to acknowledge the difficulty and challenge of particular experiences with empathy.

We’ve all been through painful things and figured out how to get through them.  None of us have been through a global pandemic before, and we are just now beginning to really deal with the impact and difficulties it had on our lives, culture, and economy. 

What Can You Control?

Experiences teach us things, and while we can’t control everything in life, what we can control is how we show up. 

There are really only two things we can control – our attitude and our effort. Everything else is out of our control.

We’ve all made it through and survived 100 percent of the challenges we’ve endured up to this point in our lives.

We’re All in This Together

Our world has gone through unbelievable stress, challenge, difficulty, war, change, and more throughout history.. But through our adaptability, resilience, grit, and good fortune, we as individuals, families, communities, a nation, and the world have figured out how to overcome these challenges. This doesn’t mean there’s no loss, pain, or impact, but we do know how to get through hard times.

It’s important to acknowledge that life is often an emotional rollercoaster, it’s also critical to allow ourselves to feel the emotions and trust that they will pass – that we will get through it. It doesn’t mean we know exactly when we will get through it, but that’s all a part of the process. 

Remembering that we’re all in this together and that this, too, shall pass are two essential things we can hold onto in the midst of everything going on. Remembering how strong and resilient we are and knowing that we will get through whatever we are dealing with are essential things for us to focus on as we navigate any challenge we face.

 

How do you work your way through challenging times? What can you do to support others going through difficulties? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

 

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