Life

Embracing Paradox Brings Us Together

January 24, 2022 2 Comments

Embracing paradox is all about accepting that more than one thing can be true at the same time. This is essential for us to do within our teams, families, communities, and the world for a number of reasons.

Why is Embracing Paradox so Important?

So many aspects of life and work are paradoxical, especially these days. Paradox is something that I’ve always been fascinated by—the notion that more than one thing can be true, and often these truths can contradict one another.

We seem to be having a hard time—particularly right now—embracing paradox in our society, but in order to thrive, we must be able to do so.

The nature of paradox

Since the start of the pandemic, I’ve done hundreds of virtual events, but only within the past few months have I been doing in-person events again. When I started speaking at in-person meetings again, it was weird and awkward, but at the same time, exciting.

I have mixed feelings about being back out on the road again with the current state of the pandemic. I’m simultaneously feeling excited and grateful to be doing what I love and getting to be with people again, and I’m also feeling scared and uncomfortable about covid, being in groups, and away from home – which has been my routine for the past two years.

Paradox and polarization

Paradox isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it’s necessary for us to embrace personally and within our relationships and groups.

The opposite of paradox is polarization.

In relationships, if we don’t embrace paradox, we end up on opposite sides of discussions and debates, with one person taking one side and the other person feeling compelled to take the opposite position.

This same phenomenon exists within groups and society at large these days.

Protocols keep changing. Businesses are trying to figure out if they will come back to work fully, partially, or stay working from home completely.

Most people I’m talking to have paradoxical feelings about coming back to the office.

Some people never want to go back again, while others are desperate to get back as soon as possible.

For every company, there’s going to be some level of paradox. Not everyone will be happy. Some people will be upset, and some people won’t be able to adjust. It will constantly evolve.

Paradoxes are in every aspect of our lives

These days it’s really hard to make decisions about what’s safe for work, for our relationships, and for our families.

I can look at the last two years and say that I’ve never been closer to my family. And at the same time, it’s also never been more intense, challenging, and stressful in our house. How is it possible that both of those things are true at the same time?

Maybe you can relate to this same paradox or others like it?

Embracing paradox through life and death

Life can be so brutal, yet so beautiful at the same time. My friend and colleague Glennon Doyle calls this “brutiful,” which is the epitome of paradox.

Think about the powerful realizations and perspective shifts that come around death and loss. When someone we love dies, we get a new perspective. It wakes us up to who and what matters most to us.

Death, to me, is one of the ultimate paradoxes of life. The sadness, loss, pain, and grief can be so intense, scary, confusing and anger-producing.

But paradoxically, it can also be life-altering and beautiful. Grief is often filled with love, gratitude, connection, depth, and authenticity.

Think about the paradoxes in your life

You may love going to the gym, eating healthy, and meditating, but you may also love watching Netflix in bed, eating ice cream, and sleeping late.

One of the biggest challenges we face in our culture today is the inability to embrace paradoxes.

There are many things we can look at at a much deeper level and try to understand and make peace with.

Multiple things being true at the same time can be tricky and uncomfortable for our brains to deal with. We want things to be certain, especially when living in such uncertain times.

But when we are unable to embrace paradox, it becomes dangerous. It turns into us vs. them—right vs. wrong.

We have to start understanding that life exists in the messy middle, in the paradox of it all.

Embracing Paradox Brings Us Together

Right now, things are incredibly intense. What’s necessary for us as human beings, leaders, parents, and friends is to embrace the paradox of life and realize there is no “them,” it’s all “us.”

Think about how this relates to your life, team, or family. Where can you bring forth some awareness and acceptance of the paradoxes in your life? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

The best way to embody that we’re all in this together is to embrace the paradox.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

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The Power of Listening

November 22, 2021 4 Comments

How well do you listen to the people around you? Listening can be challenging, especially these days, but the power of listening is so important.

When we listen, it allows us to better understand ourselves and other people too.

However, with all of the distractions around us and within our own heads, it’s incredible that we ever hear anything that anyone says at all.

By listening, we can become better leaders and learners.

The Power of Listening and All of its Benefits

Listening is not only the most essential aspect of communication – it can make or break our relationships.

Listening has a significant effect on our ability to appreciate, respond to, and empower others.

Here are some of the benefits of listening:

Listening shows respect

By listening to others, you show them respect. You let them know that you care about what they’re saying and that you value their perspective.

When you show respect to others, they will show it back to you as well.

Listening helps you understand

When you use the power of listening, you can better understand what people are saying, why they are saying it, and where they are coming from.

If listening is a challenge for you, welcome to the club. It can be very difficult to do and to do well, especially in today’s fast-paced, virtual world.

Listening can help prevent misunderstandings, conflict, and confusion.

Listening helps foster relationships

When someone knows that you are truly listening, it can help improve your relationship with them.

Showing that you care by listening can go a long way in helping foster relationships.

People are grateful for others who know how to listen.

The Three Levels of Listening

By understanding these three levels of listening, it can show us what to do to become more effective in our ability to listen to others.

1. Be Present

Give the person your full attention. Stop everything you are doing, whether you are typing on your phone or computer, watching TV, or anything else.

Multi-tasking doesn’t work when you’re listening to others.

By being present, you will hear everything the other person is saying. You will make them feel acknowledged and important.

2. Form an Emotional Connection

When we are present, we can listen between the words. We can hear and feel where someone is coming from.

When we connect with the person emotionally, it’s much easier to resolve a conflict, understand them, or figure out how to support them.

3. Listen in an Empowering Way

How do you feel about the person who is talking?

The “filter” we listen through has everything to do with what we hear and how we relate to the other person. If our filter (i.e. opinion) of the other person or what they are saying is not empowering, see if you can “upgrade” it (i.e., find the good stuff).

When we listen in an empowering way, we take responsibility for our judgments and realize that our opinions color what we hear and how we hear it.

It’s challenging to have an empowering or positive conversation with someone whom we judge in a negative way.

It may not be easy, but being committed to healthy communications and relationships means identifying our judgments and then doing whatever we can to move through them, which will allow us to listen to others in an empowering way.

The Power of Listening Requires Us to do the Internal Work

When we’re able to do the internal work it takes to become better listeners, we can enhance our relationships in a profound way.

Being someone who can listen to others is such a vital skill, especially these days.

It’s not always easy. It takes some practice and humility and is an ongoing, moment-by-moment phenomenon.

However, listening to others can allow for so many positive things:

Improved communication
Resolved conflicts
Deeper connection
Greater appreciation
Enhanced understanding
Increased learning
Profound awareness

Have fun with it as you practice the power of listening.

See if you can put some attention today and the rest of this week on taking time to put a deeper effort into listening to the people around you.

Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more here on my blog below.

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This article was published on September 30, 2008, and updated for 2021.

Being Bold : What Does it Mean to You?

October 8, 2021 7 Comments

What does being bold mean to you?

Bold people are daring and courageous—they’re not afraid to break the rules. They have their own identity and are willing to express it.

Are you that type of person?

Do you consider yourself bold?

Some of us do, but most people I know and work with, myself included, admit that they don’t often think of themselves as bold.

Even when some of us have moments of boldness, these moments can be scary and are often few/far between.

Why is this?

Because we sometimes don’t have the courage to be bold or we don’t find ourselves going for it in our work and our life—or not nearly as much as we’d like (especially during these difficult times).

Being bold is essential to living a fulfilling life

While scary and challenging for many of us, being bold is essential if we’re going to live an authentic, successful, and fulfilling life. Boldness is about stepping up and stepping out onto our edge in life—pushing the limits of what we think is possible or even appropriate.

It’s about living, speaking, and acting in ways that are both courageous and true to who we are.

Because we’re all unique, our individual versions of boldness will look quite different.

Something that might be bold for me may not be so for you—or vice versa. Going for it has to do with us getting in touch with our deepest truths, passions, and desires in life and then having the courage to live and act out loud in a way that is congruent with this.

5 Tips On How to Be Bold

Here are five key reminders of what it takes to be bold and go for it in life:

1. Be True to Yourself

A part of being bold includes having the ability to honor yourself, your emotions, and the things you believe in.

Tell and live your truth with courage, vulnerability, and commitment.

Think about who you are and what is important to you. Don’t be afraid to admit when you’ve made a mistake, gone off course, or done something that’s out of integrity for yourself.

Remember that we all feel lost at times. Being true to who we are is about being ruthlessly honest and also forgiving ourselves (and others) fiercely and compassionately.

2. Live with Passion

Passion comes from within us, not from the external circumstances, events, activities, or people in our lives.

Being bold is about going for it, not holding back, and giving ourselves fully to our work, relationships, and lives.

To be bold, we must live with passion and be true to that passion.

3. Step Out

Don’t be afraid to challenge yourself.

Say and do things that are outside of your comfort zone. Do things that scare you.

When you start to challenge yourself, you force yourself to step out in life and to step more fully into who you really are.

Sometimes when we try to step out of our comfort zone, we get scared. We don’t think we’re ready, we sometimes don’t know exactly what we’re supposed to do, and we rarely have a guarantee that things will work out. So what.

As Ray Bradbury famously said, “Jump and build your wings on the way down.”

4. Create a Dream Team

Never be afraid to ask for support and lean on others. Sometimes our support systems are what can help us get through challenging times.

Support, inspiration, and accountability from other people are essential along our journey of boldness and authenticity.

You can’t do it all by yourself, which is why it is so important to understand when to reach out to others who believe in you, will tell you the truth, and can help you when you get stuck.

Create a “dream team” of powerful and supportive people around you with whom you can share your hopes, dreams, and ideas. Be willing to ask for and receive their support, contribution, and generosity.

5. When You Fall, Get Back Up

We all fall – and that’s okay.

It’s essential to make peace with the fact that you will fall, probably a lot, especially if you’re going for it and playing big in life.

How we respond to falling down is what truly makes the difference in our lives. How we get back up when we fall is how we become bold.

When we’re willing to get back up, dust ourselves off, be honest about how we feel, and not let it stop us from going for what we want – we tap into what true power, boldness, and authenticity are all about!

What are you willing to do in your life right now to step out and go for what you want boldly? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

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This article was published on February 17, 2011, and updated for 2021.

Get Honest Feedback

July 14, 2009 1 Comment

How do you feel about people giving you really honest feedback? If you’re anything like me, you may both love and hate it at the same time. Most of us want the honest feedback of those around us, yet at the same time we’re often scared about what people might say – especially if it could hurt our feelings, ruffle our feathers, or leave us feeling insecure, vulnerable, or embarrassed.

For the most part and in many situations, groups, and relationships in our lives there is an unspoken, unconscious agreement that we make with others – “I won’t call you on yours, if you don’t call me on mine.” While this makes sense and is understandable, given how sensitive many of us can be, especially when it comes to feedback, this lack of authenticity doesn’t serve us, bring us closer to others, or allow us to support and empower each other in any real way (which is what most of us truly want).

Think of some of the honest feedback you’ve received in your life and career and how valuable it has been to your growth and evolution. Although some of it may not have felt so good to hear at first – I bet you’re incredibly grateful not only for the feedback itself, but for the people who were (and are) willing to be honest with you. It takes courage to both give and receive feedback authentically. And, it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give to others. Learning to receive the honest feedback and coaching of other people is a critical aspect of living a life of success, growth, and authenticity.

Here are some essential things to think about and practice as you enhance your ability to receive honest feedback:

1) Ask for it. Since honest feedback can be a tricky thing all the way around and many of us are a little insecure about giving it, letting people know that you want them to be honest with you and pro-actively requesting the authentic feedback of others is a great way to make sure you get it. Give people permission to be straight with you – even if you’re a little scared about what they might say. We usually get what we ask for.

2) Be open to the feedback, but remember it’s not the “truth.” It’s important for us to be open to people’s feedback, whether or not we asked for it, and at the same time remember that nothing anyone says to us is the “truth,” (it’s just their opinion). This is one of the many paradoxes of getting feedback from others. Just because they say it doesn’t make it so. And, at the same time, the best approach we can take is to be open to anything and everything people have to say about us. Try on their feedback like you would a coat – if it fits and can help, use it. If not, disregard it. However, be careful about your ego – which will want to argue with feedback you don’t like as a way of survival (yet another paradox).

3) Give honest feedback to others. Be willing to speak your truth to other people, even if you’re a little (or a lot) nervous about it. This is not about “tit for tat” or some kind of competition, but if we really want to create relationships, teams, families, and environments where we can talk to each other in a free, open, vulnerable, and authentic way – we have to be willing to speak up and say things that might be uncomfortable to those around us. Doing this not only gives us the opportunity to make a difference for others, it also creates a standard by which we relate to one another and communicate.

Have empathy and compassion for yourself and others as you engage in these types of honest conversations – they can be sensitive and challenging (especially at first). And, as we all know and have experienced, when we’re willing to get real and give each other honest feedback like this – everyone wins and is empowered at a much deeper and more real level.

Express Yourself

May 12, 2009 6 Comments

How honest are you? While most of us aren’t bald-faced liars who go around deceiving people consciously, if we’re honest with ourselves about it, we often don’t fully speak our truth or express all of our emotions. We’ve been trained and have in turn trained ourselves to be “appropriate” and to say and do the “right” thing so we can get what we want and look as good as possible in most situations.

For me, being a “nice guy,” a “people pleaser,” and wanting others to be impressed with me often poses a challenge when what I want to say or express doesn’t seem to fit into the “likeable” category. Most of the people I know and work with have some “story” about themselves they want others to believe and therefore only feel comfortable sharing thoughts, ideas, and feelings that match up with this story or the public “identity” that they put forth.

However, what if, even with whatever fear or resistance we each have – we were able to fully, passionately, and honestly express ourselves?

One way we can do this, which I talk about in Chapter Five of Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Principle 3 – Express Yourself), is to lower our “waterline.” This idea is based on the metaphor of an iceberg, with just the tip of it popping up above the surface, and the rest of the iceberg (who we really are) down below the waterline.

The exercise that I share in the book and often do in my workshops, which I originally learned from my friends and mentors Rich and Yvonne Dutra-St. John, is called “if you really knew me.” Each person in the group has a minute or two to complete the phrase, “if you really knew me, you’d know…” and then share some things about themselves in an honest, transparent, and vulnerable way. It takes courage, safety, and trust to do this. As I’ve seen time and time again, this exercise can have a profound impact on everyone involved.

Even though I’m feeling nervous as I write this and I worry that this is overly personal or possibly inappropriate for me to write in an “advice article” like this, I will share with you some things you’d know about me if we were sitting in a circle, doing this powerful exercise together.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I spend a lot of time and energy worrying about my physical appearance – obsessing about certain aspects of how I look (my hair, my skin, my eyes, my teeth, my weight, and more) and worrying that I don’t look good enough, that people can see me aging, losing my hair, and not taking care of myself – and that they’ll judge me or won’t like me because of it.

If you really, really knew me you’d know that I can’t seem to figure out how to stay on top of my life, my work, my finances, and all of my many personal and professional responsibilities in a way that feels balanced, workable, or peaceful. Much of the time I feel like I am drowning, messing things up, and simply “pretending” to be happy and grateful.

If you really, really, really knew me you’d know that I believe my work, my message, and the gifts that I have are incredibly powerful, important, and meaningful. I’m sometimes blown away by the impact I have on others. I want to have an even deeper and bigger impact on people and the world, but my ego seems to think that I’m not doing enough, not being appreciated in the way I deserve, or that I better hurry up and “make it” before people really find out how full of it I am.

Wow…I can’t really believe I just shared all of that. And, it feels both scary and liberating to have done so. When we’re willing to own and express our truth, we can free ourselves from needless worry, hiding, and denial. This allows us to be ourselves, live our lives with passion, and go for what we truly want in life.

Real authenticity is not some set of rules or a self-righteous definition about how people “should” be in life…it is the willingness and courage to be real, true, transparent, and vulnerable in the moment-by-moment, day-by-day experience of being in relationship with others and living this magical, mysterious, wonderful, crazy, exciting thing we call life.

Authenticity Challenge: What You Can Do

Think about some important things you have not been willing to say or some intense feelings you have not been willing to express recently. Make a commitment to yourself, even if you’re feeling scared or uncomfortable about it, to express yourself honestly about these important things. Write them down, call a friend of family member, or talk to someone you fully trust. What would they know about you if they really knew how you were feeling right now? Reach out in a bold, vulnerable, and honest way and see what happens when you express yourself like this. It can be magical and one of the most liberating experiences in life! Have fun…