In December of 2011, I decided to head up to Calistoga for a few days. Calistoga is a small town in Napa Valley, about an hour from where we live. For the past few years, Michelle and I have each gone up there occasionally by ourselves for some personal retreat time. It’s been a great self-care practice that has benefited us both individually and as a family. It’s amazing how taking just a few days away can help me put things in perspective, recharge, and reconnect to what’s most important in my life.
That December was an emotional time for me. It was the end of what had been a tumultuous year, filled with big highs and big lows. My mom had died in June, we did the short sale on our house in August and moved, and life had changed for us in many significant ways. Even with the difficulty and intensity of the year, a lot of really good things had happened, too. It felt like life was moving in a really positive direction for us.
As I took some time to reflect and go within, I realized I was carrying around an enormous amount of resentment, most of which was directed at myself. I took with me to Calistoga some old cassette tapes of an audio program called “Forgiving Yourself,” which I’d actually never listened to when I’d purchased it many years before. The tapes talked about being hard on ourselves, and being critical and harboring resentment toward ourselves—all things that I’d done quite a bit throughout my life. Based on the suggestions of this audio program and my own insight and awareness, I spent a lot of time over the course of those few days writing in my journal and meditating, all with the specific intention of forgiving myself.
I started to write down a long list of things that I wanted to forgive myself for—being harsh and critical of some of the people closest to me, being annoyed and unkind to my girls at times, worrying about all kinds of superficial things, doing harm to my body over the years, not taking good care of myself, making mistakes in my business and with our finances, not practicing what I preached in my work, and on and on the list went.
As I wrote these things down in my journal, initially I was concerned that it was simply just my gremlin taking over and listing out all the things that were “wrong” with me and all the reasons why I was “bad.” But as I allowed myself to engage more deeply in the process, I realized that what I was doing was simply telling the truth about all the things I’d been judging myself for. This was my attempt in some way to let go of the resentment I was holding toward myself. I was trying to move into a place of forgiveness and, ultimately, freedom. And while I wasn’t sure if I knew exactly the “right” way to forgive myself, I decided to simply ask, in my writings, my prayers, and my meditations, to be forgiven. Before I went to bed at night, I would ask for the weight of this self-criticism and negativity to be lifted off of me.
By the time I left Calistoga, just a few days later, I felt 50 pounds lighter. Just a few weeks after that, I had my very first session with my counselor Eleanor. As Eleanor and I began to work together, which we’ve continued to do over the last few years with wonderful results, she began to explain to me the nature of growth and change.
“Mike, as you grow, change, and evolve, here are the basic steps involved in the process: recognize, acknowledge, forgive, and change. First,” she said, “you must recognize what’s going on and what you’re doing. This is about seeing and about authentic awareness. Then you acknowledge the impact of what you’re doing with compassion and without judgment. This is about feeling your emotions and owning the impact. Then,” she said, “the most important step in the process is forgiveness—a willingness to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness isn’t about letting yourself off the hook, it’s about caring enough to take a deeper level of responsibility. And when you do that, you’re able to forgive yourself authentically. The fourth step,” she continued, “is change. However, if you genuinely recognize, acknowledge, and forgive, the change pretty much happens on its own, and you don’t have to—nor do you get to—control it. Change is the result of authentic forgiveness and authentic forgiveness is about releasing the past and all the stories you have associated with it.”
Then she followed up with the kicker: “Unfortunately, what you often do, Mike, and this is true for many people, is recognize, acknowledge, punish, and repeat—instead of forgive and change—which keeps certain negative patterns in place in your life and causes you a great deal of pain and suffering.”
The truth of what Eleanor taught me resonated deeply and we continue to talk about it in our sessions today. Since that initial conversation, I’ve been consciously focused on forgiving myself as well as releasing the past and all of the stories I have connected to it. Given that I’ve got many years of experience of not doing this and still have a tendency to be hypercritical of myself, as many of us do, self-forgiveness continues to be a challenge for me, although it’s getting easier. It’s a practice, and like any practice, the more we do it, the easier it is and the more effective we become.
The more willing we are to take an honest look within—to recognize and acknowledge our self-sabotaging ways and to forgive ourselves for them—the more likely we can begin to change in an authentic and powerful way. Self-forgiveness makes it possible for us to forgive others and to live our lives with a genuine sense of freedom, peace, and love.
This is an excerpt taken from Nothing Changes Until You Do, by Mike Robbins, with permission. Published by Hay House (May 2014) and available online or in bookstores.
This was great! This helps me out so much in working through the same issues I have. You just put it into perspective for me. Can’t wait for your book to come out. By the way how can I find a counselor like yours? Sounds like something I need to do.
Thanks again for your insight!
You are welcome! There are so many great counselors out there – just put the intention out, ask people, and look online!
Hi Mike. I have so much admiration for you. Your messages always seem to be directed to me. You just bare your soul and speak with such honesty. To know someone as positive and lovable as you struggles with the same every day worries is somehow reassuring. Thank you.
You are welcome Sandee – thank you for your kind words of acknowledgement!
I relate to many thoughts you mentioned in this chapter, especially my bad feelings about the part of me that sabotages my efforts; when I realized I did it and after a while do it again. I decided to have a conversation with the part which creates the conflict , the protector. I ended up forgiving and becoming friendly and then I asked for the cooperation and promised I would consult with the protector next time I want to make a decision. I don’t want to eliminate that part of me, I want cooperation. I want to remember there are dangers of becoming arrogant, if I am a total success, or selfish if I get attached to the results of my efforts, so I need the protector to warn me, I consider that a kindness. We are friends now. I realize I need to do it several times and gain the trust of this amazing protector. Enjoyed the reading as well as the process. Thank you, Clea.
You are welcome Clea!
Hi Mr. Robins,
Some things seem pretty simple but it’s really a gift to explain them simply so thank you for that.
And most of all this was just what I needed today and I check your blog only from time to time. I love to do that at “random”. This was really a great nudge for me. Sending you much gratitude for that.
Sylvie, from France
Wonderful Sylvie!
Sorry I meant “Hi Mr Robbins” with the two b’s as needed.
Good day Mr. Robbins,
Just finished reading your blog “Forgive Yourself.” Very timely where my head is today and I feel that things are truly a divine happening not just a happenstance. So in saying that, as I read & tears welled up in my eyes I felt a ray of sunshine illuminate through & around me. Every day I have breathe I strive to reach a place with hope & think, possibly, this being the day that I can identify with the various things that have & are still occurring in my life and one by one address them accordingly. Funds don’t allow for counseling at this time so reading material like this is so profound & in time will get me to a place of vibrant health in every aspect of my life, emotionally, physically, financially & spiritually. As you say with practice.
Filled with gratitude & thanking you from a place that still enables me express to you in love.
Warmly.
Melody
Melody,
Thank you for reading this blog post and for your response…I am touched and honored by your vulnerability. You are not alone! Sending you prayers and blessings!
-Mike
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