In a recent session with my counselor Eleanor, she said something simple, but profound to me; “Nothing changes until you do.” She went on to say, “Mike, you keep trying to control and manipulate the situations, relationships, and outcomes in your life – thinking that if they changed in the way you want them to, you’d then change and things would be better. It actually works the other way around.”
The truth of Eleanor’s feedback resonated deeply with me and I’ve been contemplating it for the past few weeks. I realize that much more of my attention than I’d like to admit is focused on my attempts to change the circumstances, situations, and people around me – instead of focusing on the only thing I can really change, me.
As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
We’ve all had this experience in our lives in both big and small ways. Do you ever notice how when we’re having a bad day or a rough time in life, even the people and activities we normally love, don’t bring us the same amount of joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction? On the flip side, when we’re having a great day or things are going really well in life, even people or circumstances that might normally upset or annoy us, somehow seem much more manageable and less stressful. In those simple situations, our perspective and our own internal state, has a big impact on how we experience life, not the other way around.
What if we put more attention on our own growth, change, and transformation – and less attention on trying to fix, change, and alter the people and circumstances around us? This doesn’t mean that we’d stop caring about what other people do or say. It also doesn’t mean we wouldn’t give feedback or make requests of those around us. And, we wouldn’t stop working towards specific changes, goals, and dreams related to the most important aspects of our lives – our work, our health, our finances, our family, and more.
However, by letting go of our insatiable desire to fix and change everyone and everything around us, we give ourselves the space to focus our attention on the true source of our own happiness, success, and fulfillment – ourselves!
As we come to the end of this first month of the new year, many of us are still quite focused on our intentions, goals, and resolutions for 2013. As great as the accomplishment of any specific goal may be, what we’re almost always after with our resolutions, is positive and sustainable change.
As the saying goes, “The roots create the fruits.” This means that it’s our job to focus on our own growth, development, and internal transformation – and in so doing, we put ourselves in the best possible position to create the kind of change we truly want. Nothing changes until we change!
Hi Mike, Congratulations on your upcoming presentation at Hay House. You’re in the big leagues once again. The only thing that’s changes is the playing field.
I bought your books when you spoke at Center for Spiritual Living Davis a while back. I’ve shared them with a senior group that I facilitate. We’ve all enjoyed discussing your ideas and ideals. Thank you for your continued forward thinking. Because of you and others like minded people we’re living in a better world.
Keep up the good work.
Thanks Betty! I appreciate your kind words…and am grateful for your interest in my work!
So true. I have been wrestling with a situation I have zero control over. Until you let go and focus on the things you can change – your own attitude, your own responses – it can be draining. You always control your own reactions and attitudes.
AMEN! Good readin’ on a day I needed to remind myself of it. How did you know?!;-)
Thanks Kathy – good insight!
Hi Mike,
This read was much needed affirmation that I’m on the right track, just couldn’t put it into words until now. I felt as if I had been searching for change I wanted to see take place in others and my community, without starting with myself first. It took getting sick and tired of being sick and tired, for me to stop chasing the wind and preaching to deaf ears. So I did some self searching and self cleansing. Thanks for being a vessel of positivity!
You are welcome Simone…thank you for your honest response!
Hi Mike, I heard you a few years back at Cargill and really liked what you talked about, but knew there is more than being positive, which is great but sometimes wears off. It’s easy for me to be positive if everything around me is going great. I needed and still need to work on changing myself. I am using the enneagram to help look at myself and bring change to my life. It is a slow process but it has helped me with people I work with, live with and my grown children. Like the person ahead of me said it takes being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I used to think that if I could get everything in my life to be okay I would be ok, but as we know that never happens. Everyone has something in their life that needs work on. This has helped my husband and I work on our marriage after 35 years. When we dig up bad things from the past it keeps us in the past and we never look at ourselves and work on changing. We can’t change the past but we can work on changing ourselves and live in the present. Thanks Mike for sharing this blog.
Hey Diane – I enjoyed that event at Cargill a few years back (although it was freezing in January in Minneota) 🙂 Would love to come back and speak there again…
I appreciate your post and insight…thanks!
Hello Mike; first, i want to thank the national library service for the blind for making your books available in audio. they have been a great source of clarity and inspiration. This post is a good reminder of one of those things we all know but one of those things most of us seam to forget especially when things aren’t going our way. you have to focus on what you can change and leave the rest to God or just let them go. appreciate your good work. take care, Max
Max – I am honored and humbled by your comment…thank you!
Hi Mike,
may I suggest something?
When I started reading your first lines I thought about asking you: “maybe find out what it means to you (emotionally and mentally) that you are so willing to change things and people around you?”
You sound like a movie-director (talent) to me who wants to accomplish the best scenes next so everything works out well. Actually, a good thing to think and care about. Maybe your hidden talent shows up. (?)
In case you figured out why you like doing it so much, you could check next what it means to you when you stop with it. How does it feel if you let go of it?
I also think about: are you acting out some old programming or is it subconsciously installed?
For sure, an interesting trip into your own landscape. In case you book that trip – good luck!
rita
Rita – appreciate your post, although I’m not sure I follow exactly what you are saying. Thanks for reading and commenting – feel free to follow up and say more about this, seems like you have an interesting take and perspective, I’d love to understand it more fully.
Life 101. It’s all in the perception… of what’s in front of us, including ourselves. We change ourselves by changing the way we perceive something or somebody. The world hasn’t changed, we have.
Hi Mike,
Awesome post I love to read inspirational books and collecting words of wisdom, as I read your post I will include them on my list as one of the valuable post I’ve ever read. More Power !
Thanks Julie Ann – I appreciate your comment and kind words! Glad you found this post so helpful!
Hi Mike,
I’m a little late in responding to this post, but I really like it. It reminded me of a quote I once saw, but cannot find the author. I’ll try to quote it as close to the original as I can.
“A person can never go back and start over again. But you can start now and create a different ending.” As you said, to make changes, we have to strat with the person closest to us. Ourselves.
Thank Mike,
Hi Mike, I am glad you are back writing and speaking, inspiring and teaching in your authentic way. I saw the video and it has the same qualities. I am glad I know you and appreciate you, Clea
Thanks Clea!
I was looking for something to tell me what to do. My story, two yrs ago I married (this is my 2nd marriage) he was everything I had ever wanted the true tall, strong and handsome. After our marriage it became all about control, job issues and extreme fighting. It’s now been two yrs and we at different times have strived to have a better marriage. A little over a month ago he was in a car accident in a part of town we don’t go to. Our car was totaled not his fault though but was in a different way he was there to meet the woman he was having an affair with. I did the ” normal woman response” told him to get out but then decided to fight for our marriage. With all we have been through normal marriages don’t come close to it till you hit the 20+ yr mark. We are doing the love dare but it just seems he’s not ” changing” like I hoped for so I was searching for something to give me strength to keep up the fight or to give up and walk away. In reading what you wrote I need to worry about my own changes and what this is all doing for me. Thanks for helping the little light to go off in my head!
You are welcome Misty – I’m sending you prayers and blessings as you navigate the challenges you are facing in life and marriage