Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

Emotions

Be, Do, Have

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I learned about the powerful concept of Be, Do, Have several years ago.

Most of us think we need to have a certain things (more money, love, time, experience, etc.), so that we can finally do what we truly want to do (go for a promotion, pursue our passion, start a business, go on vacation, create a relationship, buy a home, etc.), in order to be what we truly want to be (peaceful, successful, fulfilled, inspired, generous, in love, etc.). In actuality, it works the other way around.

When we focus on being what we want (joyful, confident, abundant, accomplished, and more), we can start doing things from this powerful state of being – and soon we discover that what we’re doing winds up bringing us the things we’ve always wanted to have.

Whether or not this concept is new to you and even if on the surface it may seem either counter-intuitive or confusing (or both), it’s actually life-altering when we really get it and practice it in our lives.  

I have personally experienced the profound impact of living in alignment with this Be, Do, Have paradigm – although sometimes I forget, don’t trust it, or simply assume it can’t really work like this.

Over the past few years while dealing with lots of challenges and uncertainty, I’ve seen myself fall into a familiar, but unhealthy pattern.  Sometimes when I get stressed or anxious, I go unconscious, hunker down, and try to grind things out – assuming that if I just work harder, make things happen, and get on top of my long to-do list, everything will work out.  This usually doesn’t work so well, and it can be exhausting.

In addition, in the midst of my hustling and fear, the cynic in me comes out and says, “All of this psychobabble is meaningless – it’s really all about discipline, focus, and luck.”  

Maybe you relate to this?

Well, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being cynical and resigned (two states of being I’m not a huge fan of but seem to have quite a bit of experience with), doesn’t usually help us manifest our dreams or live in a state of fulfillment, gratitude, or peace.

Making our most important goals happen is supposed to be hard, painful, and dramatic, right?  Well, maybe it doesn’t have to be.

Living in alignment with the principle of Be, Do, Have

What if we were able to live in alignment with this powerful principle of Be, Do, Have more of the time?  What if we remembered that we have the capacity to experience any state of being at any time – not just when things work out perfectly or we achieve exactly what we’re after.  

There’s nothing wrong with us pursuing our dreams with passion.  However, when we erroneously think that the accomplishment of any particular goal will give us what we truly want to have in life, we delude ourselves and set ourselves up for failure, disappointment, and pain.

Remembering to focus on how we truly want to be creates the context for how we think, feel, and act (some of the key raw materials for how we ultimately create our reality) which gives us access to what we’re really after.  

We don’t have to suffer and struggle as much as we do, we actually have the capacity to live our life with a true sense of elegance (the deeper meaning of this word is not about the appearance of something but is about being able to put forth a small amount of focused effort, and manifest an abundant result).

How to remember and practice being who we want to be

Here are a few things we can do to practice being who and how we want to be in life.

1. Think of one of your biggest goals right now. 

What is it that you think the accomplishment of this goal will bring you (i.e. fulfillment, joy, abundance, peace, success, freedom, etc.)

2. Start embodying the state of being that you assume will come from the accomplishment of this goal now.  

For example, you may start being joyful.  It’s not about “faking it,” it’s about authentically embodying the desired state of being you truly want in your life.

3. From this state of being, think and talk about the kinds of specific actions you might want to take.  

Allow yourself to sit with this for a while, don’t be in too much of a hurry.  If you really give yourself permission to come from this empowered state of being, the actions will start to show up with ease and your ability to both take them and allow them to work will increase exponentially.

4. Have fun with this, get support, and know that you will probably trip and fall along the way.  

As we’ve all heard many times, but it is important to reiterate here, we are human beings, not human doings.  When we remember this, our life can really take off in a profound and fulfilling way.

 

Feel free to leave a comment, question, or response to this post in the comments section.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.   

 

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This article was originally published in October 2009 and updated for 2023.

 

Embracing Paradox Brings Us Together

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Embracing paradox is all about accepting that more than one thing can be true at the same time.  This is essential for us to do within our teams, families, communities, and the world for a number of reasons.

Why is Embracing Paradox so Important?

So many aspects of life and work are paradoxical, especially these days. Paradox is something that I’ve always been fascinated by—the notion that more than one thing can be true, and often these truths can contradict one another.  

We seem to be having a hard time—particularly right now—embracing paradox in our society, but in order to thrive, we must be able to do so.

The nature of paradox

Since the start of the pandemic, I’ve done hundreds of virtual events, but only within the past few months have I been doing in-person events again. When I started speaking at in-person meetings again, it was weird and awkward, but at the same time, exciting.

I have mixed feelings about being back out on the road again with the current state of the pandemic.  I’m simultaneously feeling excited and grateful to be doing what I love and getting to be with people again, and I’m also feeling scared and uncomfortable about covid, being in groups, and away from home – which has been my routine for the past two years.

Paradox and polarization

Paradox isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it’s necessary for us to embrace personally and within our relationships and groups.

The opposite of paradox is polarization. 

In relationships, if we don’t embrace paradox, we end up on opposite sides of discussions and debates, with one person taking one side and the other person feeling compelled to take the opposite position.

This same phenomenon exists within groups and society at large these days.

Protocols keep changing. Businesses are trying to figure out if they will come back to work fully, partially, or stay working from home completely.

Most people I’m talking to have paradoxical feelings about coming back to the office.

Some people never want to go back again, while others are desperate to get back as soon as possible.

For every company, there’s going to be some level of paradox. Not everyone will be happy. Some people will be upset, and some people won’t be able to adjust. It will constantly evolve.

Paradoxes are in every aspect of our lives

These days it’s really hard to make decisions about what’s safe for work, for our relationships, and for our families.  

I can look at the last two years and say that I’ve never been closer to my family.  And at the same time, it’s also never been more intense, challenging, and stressful in our house. How is it possible that both of those things are true at the same time?

Maybe you can relate to this same paradox or others like it?

Embracing paradox through life and death

Life can be so brutal, yet so beautiful at the same time.  My friend and colleague Glennon Doyle calls this “brutiful,” which is the epitome of paradox.

Think about the powerful realizations and perspective shifts that come around death and loss. When someone we love dies, we get a new perspective.  It wakes us up to who and what matters most to us.

Death, to me, is one of the ultimate paradoxes of life. The sadness, loss, pain, and grief can be so intense, scary, confusing and anger-producing. 

But paradoxically, it can also be life-altering and beautiful. Grief is often filled with love, gratitude, connection, depth, and authenticity.

Think about the paradoxes in your life

You may love going to the gym, eating healthy, and meditating, but you may also love watching Netflix in bed, eating ice cream, and sleeping late.

One of the biggest challenges we face in our culture today is the inability to embrace paradoxes.

There are many things we can look at at a much deeper level and try to understand and make peace with. 

Multiple things being true at the same time can be tricky and uncomfortable for our brains to deal with. We want things to be certain, especially when living in such uncertain times.

But when we are unable to embrace paradox, it becomes dangerous. It turns into us vs. them—right vs. wrong. 

We have to start understanding that life exists in the messy middle, in the paradox of it all.

Embracing Paradox Brings Us Together 

Right now, things are incredibly intense. What’s necessary for us as human beings, leaders, parents, and friends is to embrace the paradox of life and realize there is no “them,” it’s all “us.”

Think about how this relates to your life, team, or family. Where can you bring forth some awareness and acceptance of the paradoxes in your life?  Share your thoughts in the comments below.

The best way to embody that we’re all in this together is to embrace the paradox.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

 

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Being Bold : What Does it Mean to You?

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What does being bold mean to you? 

Bold people are daring and courageous—they’re not afraid to break the rules. They have their own identity and are willing to express it. 

Are you that type of person?

Do you consider yourself bold?

Some of us do, but most people I know and work with, myself included, admit that they don’t often think of themselves as bold.  

Even when some of us have moments of boldness, these moments can be scary and are often few/far between.

Why is this?

Because we sometimes don’t have the courage to be bold or we don’t find ourselves going for it in our work and our life—or not nearly as much as we’d like (especially during these difficult times).

Being bold is essential to living a fulfilling life

While scary and challenging for many of us, being bold is essential if we’re going to live an authentic, successful, and fulfilling life.  Boldness is about stepping up and stepping out onto our edge in life—pushing the limits of what we think is possible or even appropriate.  

It’s about living, speaking, and acting in ways that are both courageous and true to who we are.

Because we’re all unique, our individual versions of boldness will look quite different.  

Something that might be bold for me may not be so for you—or vice versa.  Going for it has to do with us getting in touch with our deepest truths, passions, and desires in life and then having the courage to live and act out loud in a way that is congruent with this.

5 Tips On How to Be Bold

Here are five key reminders of what it takes to be bold and go for it in life:

1. Be True to Yourself

A part of being bold includes having the ability to honor yourself, your emotions, and the things you believe in.

Tell and live your truth with courage, vulnerability, and commitment.  

Think about who you are and what is important to you. Don’t be afraid to admit when you’ve made a mistake, gone off course, or done something that’s out of integrity for yourself.

Remember that we all feel lost at times. Being true to who we are is about being ruthlessly honest and also forgiving ourselves (and others) fiercely and compassionately.

2. Live with Passion

Passion comes from within us, not from the external circumstances, events, activities, or people in our lives. 

Being bold is about going for it, not holding back, and giving ourselves fully to our work, relationships, and lives.  

To be bold, we must live with passion and be true to that passion. 

3. Step Out

Don’t be afraid to challenge yourself.

Say and do things that are outside of your comfort zone. Do things that scare you. 

When you start to challenge yourself, you force yourself to step out in life and to step more fully into who you really are. 

Sometimes when we try to step out of our comfort zone, we get scared. We don’t think we’re ready, we sometimes don’t know exactly what we’re supposed to do, and we rarely have a guarantee that things will work out.  So what. 

As Ray Bradbury famously said, “Jump and build your wings on the way down.”

4. Create a Dream Team

Never be afraid to ask for support and lean on others. Sometimes our support systems are what can help us get through challenging times.

Support, inspiration, and accountability from other people are essential along our journey of boldness and authenticity.  

You can’t do it all by yourself, which is why it is so important to understand when to reach out to others who believe in you, will tell you the truth, and can help you when you get stuck.  

Create a “dream team” of powerful and supportive people around you with whom you can share your hopes, dreams, and ideas.  Be willing to ask for and receive their support, contribution, and generosity.

5. When You Fall, Get Back Up 

We all fall – and that’s okay.

It’s essential to make peace with the fact that you will fall, probably a lot, especially if you’re going for it and playing big in life.  

How we respond to falling down is what truly makes the difference in our lives. How we get back up when we fall is how we become bold.

When we’re willing to get back up, dust ourselves off, be honest about how we feel, and not let it stop us from going for what we want – we tap into what true power, boldness, and authenticity are all about!

What are you willing to do in your life right now to step out and go for what you want boldly? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

 

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This article was published on February 17, 2011, and updated for 2021.

Your Feelings Matter

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Do you struggle with honoring and embracing your emotions? 

I know I do, as do many of us.

I also find it challenging to acknowledge that my feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s. While I don’t tend to hold back from sharing my feelings, opinions, and desires, I have learned from other people that I can talk too much in situations.

And what’s underneath all of this?

The deep fear that my feelings and desires aren’t as important as other people’s.

It has been humbling to come to this realization about myself. It has also made me understand how important it is to live my life knowing that what I feel is just as important as anyone else.

I used to think that honoring our feelings was selfish, self-absorbed, and even arrogant…it’s not.

All feelings matter. It is about being true to ourselves, honest with how we feel and what we want, and willing to engage in authentic conversations with other people, especially when we don’t feel or want the same things they do.

Why Do Some Of Us Doubt That Our Feelings Matter?

It’s hard for some of us to acknowledge that our feelings do, in fact, matter for several reasons.

We worry about what other people think about us. We fear that others will not like, approve, or understand us.

Some of us don’t value ourselves in an authentic enough way to understand that our feelings matter, too. Many of us believe that we don’t deserve certain things, making us uncomfortable feeling and expressing certain emotions.

In addition to this, we’re often taught to put other people’s needs and feelings above our own. We’re not taught healthy ways to honor our feelings, making us believe that our feelings don’t matter.

But they do.

Always Honor Yourself and How You Truly Feel

When we don’t honor ourselves, our feelings, and our beliefs, we:

  • Discount ourselves in a painful and damaging way
  • Create separation between other people and us
  • Don’t value ourselves
  • Struggle expressing ourselves
  • Believe that our feelings don’t matter

Five Ways to Embrace Your Feelings

Here are five tips on how to embrace, enhance, and honor your feelings.

1. Quit the Judging

Stop being so hard on yourself.  Self-judgment suppresses your true feelings, which has so many negative consequences on you and those around you.  Just be you and celebrate who you are.

2. Allow Yourself to Feel

All human emotions have value. Even the ones we consider “bad” can benefit us if we allow ourselves to feel them authentically. Allowing ourselves to feel these emotions can help us move through things in our lives that serve us and our relationships.

3. Be Real

Be true about what you want and get in touch with your true feelings. Be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself, and remember that you are enough.

4. Let Go

Many of us like to attach ourselves to our story.  Getting stuck in your story takes you out of the emotional experience, and puts you in the past, not the present. By simply feeling our emotions and moving through them, we can overcome almost anything.

5. Get Support

Most of us don’t get the emotional training that we need to feel and express our emotions in a healthy and productive way. When we have emotional support, we can move through the ups and downs of life much more effectively, and we remember that we don’t have to do it alone.  It is not only okay, but necessary, for us to ask for and receive help.

 

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

 

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This article was published on June 28, 2012, and updated for 2021.

Honor Your Emotions

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I sometimes find it challenging to honor (and actually feel) my own emotions – especially if what I feel seems at odds with other people or my emotions don’t seem “appropriate” for the situation. 

I’m not someone who tends to hold back from sharing my honest thoughts, opinions, and some feelings.

However, I have noticed that certain feelings can be challenging for me to feel and express, and sometimes I find myself worrying, for a variety of reasons, that my emotions aren’t as important as those of others.

It has been humbling to come to this realization about myself in recent years.  But, it has also been incredibly liberating to see this pattern and to remind myself that my feelings are just as important as anyone else’s.

When You Honor Your Emotions, You Are True to Yourself

When we honor our emotions, it isn’t about being self-absorbed, arrogant, or better than anyone—it’s really about being true to ourselves, honest with how we feel and what we want, and willing to engage in authentic conversations with other people.

Feeling our feelings, authentically, is essential to our mental, emotional, and even physical well being.

So why can it be so challenging to truly feel our emotions? Some of the primary reasons for this are:

  • We worry that people won’t like or approve of us
  • We don’t authentically value ourselves or give ourselves permission to feel
  • We’ve learned to put other people’s needs, desires, and feelings ahead of our own
  • We’re not comfortable feeling and expressing certain emotions
  • We don’t want to take up too much space and fear we might be considered “intense” or “high maintenance.”
  • We have not learned healthy ways to feel and express our true emotions
  • We worry that people will see us as selfish or overly emotional

When we don’t honor our emotions, we sell ourselves short in a painful and damaging way. By not being real, we can create unhealthy separation from the most important people in our lives, including ourselves.. 

How to Honor Your Emotions

Here are a few things you can do to enhance your capacity to honor and fee your own emotions in a healthy and productive way.

1. Be Real About How You Truly Feel 

The first step of any process is always about being real with ourselves. The more willing we are to be honest about what we truly feel and want, the more ability we’ll have to honor ourselves and be authentic with others. 

One way I get in touch with my feelings is through journaling. It’s not about justifying how we feel to anyone else; it’s about being real with ourselves and our emotions.

2. Stop Judging Yourself 

One of the biggest things that can get in your way in life is self-judgment. Critical thoughts actually suppress your true feelings. Be real with yourself, honor what’s true for you…don’t judge it.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Because of our self-judgment, we sometimes don’t give ourselves permission to feel—especially certain emotions. 

Remember: all human emotions have value and can benefit us if we’re willing to feel them in an authentic and healthy way. 

To honor your emotions, you must give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. Doing so allows you to move through your emotions in ways that can serve you, your relationships, and your life. 

4. Let Go of Your “Story” 

We all have a story.

Many of us, myself included, feel attached to our “story.” We love all of the drama and details that make up the relationships, situations, and circumstances in our lives (both past and present). 

Your life story is important, but you want to be careful not to get too caught up in it.

Where we have real power is in feeling our emotions authentically, not just talking about them, rationalizing them, or explaining them – but in simply feeling them. 

Human emotions are not sustainable – especially if they are felt honestly. It only takes about a minute or two to feel and move through an emotion genuinely. However, when we attach an emotion to a story, we don’t allow ourselves to truly feel it and thus keep it stuck in place.

5. Get Emotional Support

As important as our emotions are to our lives, well-being, and relationships, sadly, we don’t get a lot of emotional training in life.

We may not have built-in, healthy emotional support mechanisms in our daily lives. 

There are, however, many ways we can find or enhance our emotional support. The key is for us to utilize these consistently and authentically and make sure they are empowering us to honor ourselves and our emotional experiences in life.

It is so important to honor your emotions. By honoring your emotions, you can create inner peace, be true to yourself, and build better relationships.

What do you do to honor your emotions in a healthy way? What makes this challenging for you? 

Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

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This article was published on September 16, 2015, and has been updated for 2021.