Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

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Worry Never Works

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Many of us spend a lot of time worrying. About bills, relationships, health, finances, work, the state of the world, and more.  Although this is completely understandable, especially these days, and it’s something I find myself struggling with at times in pretty significant ways…I’ve learned throughout my life that worry never works.

Worrying is actually detrimental to our health, well-being, and our ability to experience what we truly want in life. When we worry, we’re simply preparing to be upset in the future – assuming that something bad will happen and creating a dress rehearsal for our anger, disappointment, and/or frustration.

Worry doesn’t work because it keeps us fixated on potential problems without thinking about productive solutions. It amplifies stress, impairs decision-making, and harms our mental and physical health. Often, worries are beyond our control or blown out of proportion, leading to unnecessary distress. Instead, focusing on actionable steps, maintaining perspective, and practicing mindfulness, we stay stuck in the negative trap of imagining all the ways things could go wrong.

Worrying has simply become a habituated and unconscious behavior for many of us. We tend to find ways to justify this – thinking that worrying proves we really care, helps keep us focused, or allows us to stay on top of things in a responsible way.

While this all makes sense, on a deeper level I’ve realized over the years that worrying is just an erroneous attempt to control the uncontrollable – life.

Given that we all know, at least to some degree, that worrying doesn’t really work and actually makes things worse – why do we do it?

If Worry Never Works, Why Do We Do It?

We worry as a natural response to uncertainty, potential threats, or challenges in our lives. It’s a way for our minds to try to anticipate and prepare for problems, but it can also stem from a desire for control or fear of the unknown. While worrying can sometimes serve a protective function, it often becomes excessive and counterproductive, leading to increased stress and anxiety.

Here are some of the main reasons we worry so much…

1. We’re Trained to Worry

We’ve been trained to worry throughout our lives – by our parents, teachers, friends, family members, co-workers, the media, our culture, and more. From the time we were kids, we’re taught (directly and indirectly) that we’re supposed to worry about lots of things – crime, illness, money, our children, being taken advantage of, pollution, and so much more. While some may argue that there are many things we should be concerned and aware about, “worrying” about any of these things doesn’t make them better or help us address them in a specific way.

2. We Don’t Know How to Express Our Real Emotions

We’re not usually encouraged or even all that good at acknowledging, addressing, and expressing our real emotions. Worry is often a suppressed form of fear, anger, shame, or other emotions we find difficult to deal with. Because worrying is much more socially acceptable than expressing our authentic fear (or anger, guilt, helplessness, shame, sadness, confusion, overwhelm, etc.), we tend to actively worry about things all the time. Our inability to express our real emotions, which is usually the source, is what keeps worry in place.

3. We Worry That Something Bad Will Happen

Finally, we worry that if we stop worrying, something really bad will happen. As ironic as it may seem, we continue to worry, somehow thinking we are protecting ourselves. In actuality, when we worry we’re just setting ourselves up for more stress and fear…and in a strange way, sometimes even attracting more negative outcomes and experiences to us by being so fixated on all that could go wrong.

How to Stop Worrying

Here are a few things you can do to let go of worry and operate with a deeper sense of peace and freedom:

1. Notice What You Worry About

Like most aspects of life and growth, the first step is authentic awareness. When we become conscious of our own habits, thoughts, and patterns as it relates to worrying, we can start to make some healthy choices and changes. As you notice your own tendency to worry, have compassion with yourself and see if you’re willing to let it go.

2. Identify and express your real emotions

Worry often originates from underlying emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, shame, or powerlessness. By acknowledging and embracing these emotions, we can navigate through them and release their energy. This process of emotional release enables us to transform our worries and ultimately free ourselves from their grip.

3. Take conscious and courageous action

Worry often renders us inactive; stuck in a state of negative thinking or fear-based reactions. Taking conscious and courageous actions in the face of our fear and worry can be one of the most empowering things for us to do. This is not about frantic, random, erroneous activity (just for the sake of doing something), this is about us taking deliberate action as a way of moving through our fear in a direct and authentic way.

Worrying is a natural aspect of our human experience. It’s important not to criticize ourselves for it, but rather to recognize its presence. Worry can significantly impact our success, well-being, and sense of fulfillment. By acknowledging this and understanding that worry never really works, we can delve into what is really going on within us, transforming it into a force for positive change.

What do you worry about most? Are you willing to let go of worry? If so, what will that take? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

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Are You Jealous of Other People’s Success?

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How do you feel when you see or hear about the success of others? If you’re anything like me, you probably have some mixed emotions, especially if you’re going through struggles and challenges in your life.

I often find myself excited and inspired by the success of others, especially the people closest to me. However, at the same time, I sometimes notice it can bring up feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and inferiority. Especially when someone accomplishes or experiences something I want myself. Sometimes these feelings come up when I worry I can’t or won’t find that same success.

Have you ever wondered why you get jealous of other people’s success?

Recently I’ve taken a deeper and more honest look at myself in this regard. I’ve always been a competitive person. I often found myself directly or indirectly competing in a pretty intense way with those around me.

Although I’ve outgrown certain aspects of my childhood and adolescent comparison tendencies, I still find myself jealous of other people’s success, as if we’re competing against one another or that their success takes something away from me, which it doesn’t.

Feeling jealous of other people’s success is both understandable and potentially damaging.

Why Are You Jealous of Other People’s Success?

While our cultural obsession with comparison and competition isn’t something new, it seems to have intensified in the past decade or so, with the explosion of social media and how we share photos, highlights, achievements, adventures, milestones and more with one another in such a public and prominent way.

I enjoy being able to celebrate the exciting stuff happening in other people’s lives and share some of my own on social media.

At the same time, it can be a bit of a double-edged sword, depending on how I’m feeling about myself, my work, my body and appearance, my relationships, my future, my family, or anything else. I can easily get triggered by other people’s success and end up feeling bad about myself and my life.

On the flip side, I’ve noticed that I have a tendency, especially with certain people, to brag about my success or even to feel a sense of superiority.

This is even harder to admit and confront.

Feeling both superior and inferior are detrimental to our growth, success and ultimately our sense of peace.

So how do we stop comparing ourselves to others?

How to Stop the Comparison Game

The success of others has nothing to do with us, and our success has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s as simple as that.

The only way to stop the comparison game is to stop comparing yourself to others. We are all facing our battles and challenges in life, and success looks different for everyone.

Life is short—so why waste so much of your precious time competing with the people around you and focusing on how you measure up to them?

I’ve had glimpses of this freedom from comparison in my life at various times, although, not as often as I’d like.

Ready to step into your authentic power? Here are a few things to think about and practice, to stop being jealous of other people’s success:

1) It’s okay to feel jealous

Jealousy isn’t bad, it’s just an emotion and is part of the human experience.

Like with most “negative” emotions, the biggest issue with jealousy is our denial of it. When we pretend we don’t feel jealous, it can harm us in many ways.

The more we deny our feelings of jealousy, the more they end up running us.

When you notice yourself feeling jealous, admit it, feel it, and express it in some healthy and authentic way. Try writing it in your journal, sharing it with a close friend, reflecting on it in meditation or prayer.

Your ability to honestly notice, feel and express your jealousy (or any emotion) is what gives you the power to move through it and transform its potentially negative impact into a positive experience.

2) Look for a deeper message

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you feel jealous of other people’s success? When we get threatened by the success of others, there is usually a deeper message coming through that experience.

What if we looked beyond our reaction and beneath our judgment…and asked ourselves some questions like:

  • “What is it about this person’s success that has me feeling threatened?”
  • “How can I learn from what I see in them or in what they’ve accomplished?”
  • “What can I do to let go of my inferior (or superior) reaction to this, and more deeply trust and believe in myself and my process?”

Asking deeper questions like this and looking for the underlying messages in our reactions to the success of others can lead us down a more authentic path of growth, discovery and fulfillment.

3) Celebrate their success

It’s essential to be careful about how harshly you judge other people and their paths to success. The more judgmental you are about them and how they create their success, the more difficult you’ll make it for you to create the success you want, out of your fear of being judged.

Judging the success of others is a smokescreen. It masks our own inability to deal with feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or inferiority. What if, instead of doing that (or anything else in a similarly negative, critical, or arrogant way), we celebrated their success and rejoiced in it?

When you see someone succeed, celebrate for them (knowing how exciting it can be when something good happens).

4) Operate from a Place of Abundance

Being so close to people who are creating success in their lives (maybe even the same success we want) can be quite positive, inspiring, and motivating. I know this can be more challenging with certain things or certain people.

However, at the deepest level, when we live from a place of abundance (with the faith that there is more than enough to go around), we free ourselves from the constant stress, worry, fear and pressure associated with living from a place of scarcity.

Like most things in life, this is a choice.

What are some ways you deal with and release your jealousy of other people’s success?

Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights and more here on my blog below.

I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.

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This article was published on May 15, 2013, and updated for 2021.

Love is the Answer

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I have been reeling for the past few days, ever since the tragic events in Newtown, CT on Friday – such a sad and scary act of violence, hard to even comprehend.  It hits especially close to home for us, even though we’re 3,000 miles away, because our oldest daughter, Samantha, is in first grade, just like those twenty beautiful children who were killed on Friday.  Dropping Samantha and her little sister Rosie off at school yesterday morning was pretty emotional for me.  I looked at the shining faces of her first grade classmates and at the faces of the other parents, teachers, and staff members at our school, and couldn’t help but think of those people at Sandy Hook Elementary School – we are them, and they are us.

As I’ve been struggling to make sense of all of this (which I can’t), I find myself feeling somewhat similar to how I felt after 9/11.  In digging through some old emails, I found an email I sent out four days after 9/11 to my family and friends.  I didn’t have a blog back then or an email newsletter, I’m not sure if I’d even written an article of any kind.  However, in reading this email from more than eleven years ago, I was struck by how similar my thoughts and feelings are four days after the tragedy that took place in Newtown, CT.  I thought I would share it here on my blog because it encompasses much of what I feel right now as well.

(Email sent to my friends and family on September 15, 2001):

Hello,

I have had so many thoughts and feelings this past week, as I am sure we all have.  Everything from sadness, to rage, to fear, to denial, to helplessness and then back again.  I have found it very difficult to know what to do or how to feel.  I have watched hours of television coverage and listened to hundreds of people speak about what has happened and what needs to happen – it has been overwhelming and confusing to me.  I have also spent a great deal of time and energy talking to loved ones and friends as well as communicating with anyone and everyone I can by email.  I just feel like I want to reach out and touch everyone I know and love… and even those I have never met.  This whole thing has been a major wake up call for me as to what is really important.  So much of what I think about, worry about, and talk about much of the time seems quite meaningless in the face of this tragedy.

What keeps showing up in my head, in my heart, in conversations with other people, in amazing emails from friends as well as those from powerful spiritual leaders is the power of LOVE and the importance of GOD.  When it all comes down to it, that is what is truly most important to me and in life!

In the face of this horrible tragedy, we have an amazing opportunity to bring forth the power of Love and God – to tell the people that we love how important they are to us and to connect with that deep and sacred place of our own personal spiritual journey.

I think it is so important that we honor our intense emotions and truly feel them – and let others to do the same.  Even though this may be uncomfortable, especially with certain emotions – I know it is that way for me.  On the other side of all of our emotions is Love.  Love is the key to the kingdom.  Love gives us access to healing, to forgiveness, and to peace.  Love is the basis of all of our connections to one another.  And Love is the foundation of our relationship to God.

I believe that the essence of each of us is Love.  It is who we are and what we all want.  We each have an infinite amount of Love.  I have been so inspired and amazed by the incredible outpouring of love I have seen throughout our country and our world in response to this crisis.  Standing hand in hand with strangers at Glide Memorial Church and at Grace Cathedral  in San Francisco this week, I wept at the Love I felt (from and for people I didn’t even know) and at the extraordinary power of the human spirit.

This email is an expression of my love for you, your family and friends, and for the world.  Here is my prayer:

Dear God:

We pray for courage and strength as we all deal with this crisis. 

Allow us to be real and open in the face of such intense sadness and fear. 

Please bring peace and healing to all those who have been hurt, directly or indirectly, by this tragedy.

May we unite together in Love to heal ourselves, each other, and our world.

Let Peace, Forgiveness, Healing, and Love prevail.

Amen

Let Go of Worry

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How often do you catch yourself worrying?

When I was a kid my mom used to say to me, “95% of what you worry about never happens.” I think she recognized that I was the “worrying type” and was trying to help ease my mind. Although this rarely worked, I appreciated her sentiment and know now that she was right.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been prone to worrying. I continue to work on this, let it go, forgive myself for it, and choose different ways of being in the face of my fear. And, I still catch myself worrying more than I’d like – about the future, about my body, about how things will turn out, about what people think about me, about money, about the well-being of my loved ones, about the state of the world, and much more.

However, no matter how much we worry, it never really helps. And, as we look deeper at what worrying actually is – a set-up for failure, a negative attractor, and a denial or avoidance of feeling our true feelings – we see that it can have a damaging impact on our lives, our work, and our relationships. When we worry, we’re simply preparing to be upset or angry – assuming something won’t work out in the future.

Worry not only creates stress, it has an impact (usually negative) on what we create and manifest, and on our experience of life in general. Worry is a superficial emotion. It’s clearly something that many of us are all familiar with, can share with others in a way that will garner sympathy, empathy, or even pity, and is easy for us to go through daily life experiencing. However, underneath our worry are usually deeper emotions like shame, fear, guilt, hurt, or anger; many of which are more difficult for us to feel and express.

If we’re able to tell the truth and face our deeper feelings, we won’t have to waste our time and energy worrying.  We can then deal with the root of the issue, not the superficial impact of it (which is what worry usually is).

There’s nothing wrong with feeling scared, angry, hurt, and even “worried,” in and of itself. These emotions, like love, gratitude, excitement, joy, and others are very important to our human experience. Emotions that are felt deeply and expressed appropriately give us power (regardless of what they are). Emotions that are not felt deeply, that are denied or avoided, and are not effectively expressed, can be damaging to us and those around us.

Worry is always a sign that there are some deeper feelings or issues for us to address. It’s often a good reminder for us to get more real, take better care of ourselves, and pay attention.

Below is a list of some things you can do when you get worried.  These simple ideas can help you move through your worry in a positive way:

  • When you notice yourself worrying; stop, check in with yourself, and take a few slow deep breaths (all the way down to your belly)
  • Ask yourself, what’s underneath my worry? (i.e. why am I really worried and what am I really feeling?)
  • Face, feel, and express these underlying emotions – get support from others in this process if you need it.
  • Once you have felt and expressed these emotions, choose how you want to feel and what you want to create, instead of playing the role of the victim.
  • Appreciate yourself for the courage it takes to be honest and to deal with the challenging situations or emotions you’re experiencing.
  • Focus on the good stuff in your life (i.e. be grateful for what you have, who you are, and what you’re going through)
  • Be of service to others – generously put your attention on those around you who can benefit from your help.  It will be a great gift to them and to you. Service can allow you to shift your attention from your worry to what you have to give, which is a true win-win for everyone involved.

What can you do today to let go of anything you’re currently worrying about?  How can you let go of worry in an on-going way in your life?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.