Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

shame

Stop ‘Shoulding’ On Yourself

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A while back a mentor of mine said to me, “Mike, it sounds like you’re ‘shoulding’ all over yourself.’

And while this sounds funny, of course, this feedback was important for me to hear at the time and is something many of us do to ourselves, whether we’re conscious of it or not.

If I’m not mindful, it is easy for me to relate to even the most important parts of my life – my marriage, my family, my friends, my health, my work, my spiritual practice, my finances, and more – from the perspective of what I think I should do, say, or feel, and not from a place of what’s true for me.

As I look more deeply at this within myself, I realize that my obsession with doing, saying, or feeling the way I think I should, is actually less about a desire to do the right thing, and more about fear, shame, and a lack of self trust.

When we’re shoulding, it often comes from an insecure place within us where we’re not confident in our own desires and beliefs.

This lack of trust and confidence often leads us to look outside of ourselves for guidance, validation, and the insatiable right way something should be done; which can be quite stressful, anxiety-inducing, and damaging.

Instead of shoulding on yourself, you can ask yourself different questions that come from a place of truth and curiosity.

What if instead of asking ourselves, “What should I do?” we ask ourselves more empowering questions like, “What’s true for me?” or “What am I committed to?” or “What do I truly want?”  These questions, and others like them, come from a much deeper place of authenticity.

This is not to say that everything we think we should do is inherently bad.  That is clearly not the case.  Thinking that we should do things like communicate with kindness, exercise, follow up with people in a timely manner, spend time with our families, eat healthy, take breaks, save money, have fun, work hard, be mindful of the feelings of others, push past our limits, try new things, organize our lives, focus on what we’re grateful for, and so much more – all can be very important aspects of our success and well being (as well as those around us).

However, when we come from a place of should, our motivation and underlying intention for doing whatever it is we’re doing is compromised – even if it’s something we consider to be positive or healthy.  In other words, we often feel stressed, resentful, worried, or annoyed when we’re motivated by should.  This mentality is based on an erroneous notion that there is some big book of rules we must follow in order to be happy and successful.

The distinction here is one of obligation versus choice, or have to versus get to.  When we stop shoulding on ourselves, we’re less motivated by guilt, fear, and shame and can choose to be inspired by authentic desire, commitment, and choice.

How to Stop Shoulding on Yourself

Here are a few things you can do to stop shoulding on yourself:

1. Pay attention to how much should runs your life  

Take some inventory of your life and observe the extent to which your drive is influenced by shoulding. You may even notice how often the word should comes out of your mouth in relation to your own actions, as well as your thoughts or conversations about others.  The more you’re able to notice this, without judgment, the easier it will be to alter it.

2. Play around with different words, thoughts, and motivations other than should

If it’s not about what you (or others) should do, what are other words, thoughts, or motivations you could have?  How can you relate to the most important areas and people in your life differently?  Think about this and see what comes up.  It’s not simply about word choice (although words do have a great deal of power), it’s about altering where you’re coming from in a fundamental way.

3. Ask yourself empowering questions

As I mentioned above, instead of asking yourself the question “What should I do?” see if you can ask yourself more empowering questions – ones that lead you to an authentic and inspired place of motivation.  Consider questions like, “How can I make this fun or enjoyable?” or “What sparks inspiration within me?” or “What aligns with my purpose?” or “How can I serve?” or “What choices would nurture my self-esteem?”

There are so many possibilities, once we stop shoulding on ourselves.

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Why Do We Struggle to Apologize Authentically?

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When you apologize, do you apologize authentically?

Apologizing can be a tricky thing.  As essential and important as I know apologizing is to creating peace, reconciliation, trust, and connection in my relationships, sometimes I don’t want to do it or I do so in a completely inauthentic and manipulative way.

Recently, this has been in my face even more than normal.  I’ve noticed my tendency at times to over apologize, to do so with ulterior motives, or, even worse, I find myself apologizing for who I am in a way that is disrespectful and unkind to myself.  None of these really serve me or my relationships, nor are they very authentic apologies.

Why is it Difficult to Apologize Authentically?

An authentic apology can be challenging because of our ego, fear of vulnerability, or even lack of empathy. Taking ownership requires humility and introspection, which can be uncomfortable. An authentic apology also demands emotional intelligence and genuine remorse, which can be a bit of a bruise to our ego or pride. It can also cause a shame response.

For many of us, apologizing can seem scary and even weak. We worry that if we apologize somehow we’ll be admitting we’re wrong (and therefore the other person is right), that it might be used against us in some negative way, or that we’re giving up our power by apologizing.

All of these things make sense – based on our ego-based culture and our obsession with blaming others.  While understandable and normal, our inability or unwillingness to apologize authentically causes a great deal of pain and conflict in our relationships.

Shame vs. Remorse

The main reason that we aren’t often all that comfortable with authentic apologies is that we operate from a paradigm of shame instead of remorse.  Shame, which is a very powerful and oftentimes debilitating emotion (mostly because we don’t like to admit it, own it, or feel it), is based on the notion that we are fundamentally flawed.  When we view ourselves, others, and life through a lens of shame, it invariably becomes a matter of assigning blame and fault. Consequently, we strive to shield ourselves from criticism while seeking opportunities to assign blame elsewhere, avoiding accountability in the process. Does this pattern sound familiar?

Remorse, on the other hand, is about us realizing that we’ve done or said something we wish we hadn’t.  This is not about beating ourselves up, making ourselves wrong, or even blaming ourselves…it’s about taking responsibility in an adult way.  When we have a sense of remorse, we can make amends with people genuinely, own our impact on others, and apologize without shame or guilt.

No matter how mindful or purposeful we are, we’re bound to act and speak in ways we later regret, occasionally causing hurt or offense to those around us. These moments offer valuable chances for personal growth, as well as deeper self-awareness and empathy. An authentic apology plays a crucial role in resolving conflicts and strengthening bonds, which in turn fosters authentic relationships.

How to Expand Your Capacity to Apologize Authentically

Here are a few things to think about and do to expand your capacity for authentic apologies:

Tell the truth about how you relate to apologizing.

Ask yourself how you feel about apologizing and assess how authentic you are when apologizing to people.  Do you over apologize?  Do you refuse to apologize?  Do you do it just so people won’t be angry with you?

What is your relationship to apologizing and how free and genuine are you about it?  Answering these questions honestly will give you important insights into this.

Look at your life and relationships and see where you can apologize. 

Reflect on your life and relationships, particularly where conflict exists. Identify areas where you’ve hesitated to take ownership or offer genuine apologies. Are you open to doing so, not just for the sake of the relationship, but also for your inner tranquility?

As you think about doing this, ask yourself how you can apologize in a genuine  way (not simply to get what you want).

Alter your relationship to apologizing.

As you honestly assess your approach to apologizing and identify areas in your life and relationships where apologies are lacking, consider how you can reframe your perspective to feel empowered and motivated, rather than avoidant or manipulative. Shifting your mindset towards apologies can offer greater freedom, comfort, and ease in your interactions.

This is something that may seem somewhat simple or not all that important on the surface, but it is fundamental to our fulfillment in life and is quite big as we take a deeper look at it.  The more conscious and aware we are about apologizing, the more growth and transformation can take place in our relationships.

Be kind to yourself – this is not something that comes easy to most of us.  But, when we’re willing to really take this on and alter our relationship to apologizing, our relationships and our lives can transform in a profound and positive way.

How do you feel about apologizing?  Who do you need to apologize to?  How can you apologize in a more authentic way?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

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Stop Apologizing For Who You Are

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Apologizing can be a bit tricky for me.  While I pride myself on being someone who is able to look within, take responsibility, and resolve conflicts directly – I also know that my own arrogance and insecurity cause me to sometimes stubbornly refuse to apologize or, often more damaging, over apologize, which can include apologizing for who I am.

Being able to take responsibility for our impact on others, acknowledge and own our mistakes and shortcomings, and restore trust and connection with the people around us (i.e. what authentic apologizing is all about) are essential aspects of living a fulfilled life and creating healthy relationships.

However, many of us devalue, disrespect, and do harm to ourselves and those around us, by apologizing for who we are in a shame-based way – which usually comes from a place of shame (feeling as though we’re not good enough or there’s something inherently wrong with us).

Apologizing authentically is about taking responsibility for our actions, our impact, or our results, as an adult.  This is called remorse – wishing we hadn’t done or said something, and taking actions to address and rectify the situation within ourselves, with others, or both.

Apologizing for who we are is often about us thinking or saying some version of, “I’m bad, it’s my fault, or don’t hate me,” as if we’re a child looking for validation or approval. This is a specific example of how shame shows up in our lives. And, no matter how much we might “apologize,” when it comes from this insatiable, shame-based place, we’re never able to shake the feeling of something being wrong with who we are.

The more we notice that we’re apologizing for who we are, the more opportunity we have to look deeper – acknowledge, feel, and express our shame, and in the process begin to heal ourselves in a real way.

While we all have “issues,” “flaws,” and “challenges” in life – at the deepest level, there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of us.  Most of us, myself included, spend and waste way too much time judging, criticizing, and being mean to ourselves.

Treating ourselves in this critical way never works – it doesn’t help us become better people, it doesn’t give us access to more love, power, or talent, it doesn’t make us more available for those around us who we want to support – it simply keeps us stuck in a negative story about who we think we are and what we think needs to be “fixed” about us so we can then live the life we truly want to live.

What if we stopped doing this to ourselves, stopped apologizing for who we are, and started honoring, valuing, and loving ourselves in an authentic way?

Do you catch yourself apologizing for who you are?  How can you stop doing this in a way that honors who you are and impacts your life in a positive way? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.