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How do you feel about conflict? Many people I know and work with, including me, have lots of creative ways to avoid conflicts. I actually really appreciate conflict myself, although I often get scared at first to initiate or engage in conversations that may result in a conflict. Whether we’re comfortable with conflict or not, it’s a part of life, relationships, and work – and always will be.
When we look at conflict more deeply, we realize that it is a vital aspect of growth, change, and every important relationship in our life. The pain, suffering, and stress caused by conflict doesn’t usually come from the conflict itself, it comes from our avoidance or denial of it.
Most of us have not been trained to engage in conflict in a healthy, productive, and authentic way. This is what caused us to run away from it or when we do engage in it, we spend most of our time and energy on protecting ourselves from getting hurting, trying to “win,” or both.
The more we embrace being real, authentic, and speaking our truth, the more effectively we’re able to engage in and resolve conflict in an honest and successful way. Here are some important components of conflict resolution for us to remember and practice:
1) Take responsibility – It always “takes two to tango.” Taking responsibility is not about being at fault or blaming the other person, it’s about owning up to the situation and recognizing that we are a part of the issue.
2) Address the conflict directly – Conflicts are always handled most successfully when they’re dealt with directly and promptly. Be real and vulnerable when you approach someone with an issue, but make sure to do so as soon as possible, don’t let it fester.
3) Seek first to understand – As challenging as it can be, the best approach in any conflict situation is to listen with as much understanding, compassion, and empathy as possible – even and especially when we’re feeling angry or defensive. If we can understand where the other person is coming from, even if we don’t agree, we have a good chance of being able to work things out.
4) Use “I” statements – If someone does or says something and I have a specific reaction to it, that’s real. If I judge someone, make a generalization about them, or accuse them of something not only is it not “true” (it’s just my opinion) it will most likely trigger a defensive response from them. We must own our feedback as ours, not speak it like the “truth.”
5) Go for a win-win – The only real way to have a conflict resolves authentically is if it’s a true win-win for everyone involves. This doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gets his or her way. It does, however, mean that everyone gets heard, honored, and listened to. And, when and if possible – we make compromises that leave everyone empowered and in partnership.
6) Acknowledge others – Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation or a situation that involves lots of people, acknowledgment is essential to our ability to engage in productive conflict and to be able to resolve it in an authentic and effective way. Thank the other people involved in the conflict for being willing and able to engage. Thank them for their truth.
It takes courage for each of us to engage in conflict. When we acknowledge each other, operate with kindness and humility, and remember that vulnerability is the most important aspect of resolving conflicts effectively, we’re reminded that we’re all in this together.
There are really only two ways to deal with conflicts effectively – directly, all the way through, until they are resolved (not just we get our way) or to completely let them go (not talk about them, not think about them, etc.). We actually know how to do both of these things, although we often opt for a third option, which never works (trying unsuccessfully to address the conflict and then telling others about how right we are and wrong the other person or situation is.
Think of some of the biggest conflicts in your life right now. Are you ready to resolve them? If so, decide whether you’re willing to let them go or not. If not, make a commitment to yourself to engage in them using these steps above and do so in an honest, genuine, and vulnerable way. Don’t wait until it’s too late – have the conversation now.
Which conflicts in your life are you willing to let go of? Which ones are you willing to address directly? Share your thoughts, ideas, commitments, and more here on my blog.
Talking about authenticity is a heck of lot easier than actually being authentic, believe me – I know. For the past few years as I’ve been working on my new book and talking about authenticity in my workshops and keynotes, I’ve done a lot of talking about what it means to be real, authentic, and vulnerable in life. And, while I always do my best to model what I teach as I am teaching it, I know that it’s not the same thing to talk the talk, unless I truly walk the walk.
With this in mind, I want to recap the key principles of my book, Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken, which I’ve written about in each of the past seven newsletters and then challenge you (and me) to put these things into action in our real lives, today!
Part One: Why It Can Be Hard to Be Authentic
Being authentic and real can be challenging for most of us for a variety of reasons. There are both external and cultural factors (parents, teachers, family, school, religion, era, and more) that play into this, as well as personal reasons (fears, insecurities, perceived weaknesses, lack of practice or courage, wanting people to like us, etc.).
It’s important for us to acknowledge, tell the truth about, and take responsibility (with compassion) for these external and internal factors of our lives and personalities that make it difficult or scary for us to live in a way that is authentic. By confronting these things directly, owning them, and making peace with them, we’re able to move beyond what normally stops us from being who we truly are.
Part Two: The Five Principles of Authenticity
- Know Yourself – A commitment to growth, self-discovery, and brutal honesty with yourself.
- Transform Your Fear – A willingness to admit, own, express, communicate, and take action in the face of your fear.
- Express Yourself – Fully and honestly expressing yourself and your emotions, all of them.
- Be Bold – Going for it, all the way – even if you’re scared.
- Celebrate Who You Are – Loving, appreciating, and celebrating yourself in a genuine and generous way.
Part Three: Authenticity in Action
This is where the rubber meets the road. Of the many action ideas, practices, tips, suggestions, and techniques I outline in my new book and that I’ve shared my newsletters over the past seven weeks, which ones have spoken to or resonated with you most? You’ve probably put some of these ideas into action, which is great! And, there are probably other things – either that you don’t think you have time for (not true) or are not sure how to make happen (more honest) – that would make a difference in your life, your work, and your relationships.
Below I’ve listed three additional possible action ideas – taken right from my new book and my workshops. My challenge to you is to pick one (or more) of these and do them today…no waiting around or putting them off. And, if none of these actions resonate with you, use them as a catalyst to think of something of your own that would be a stretch and would challenge you to be more real and authentic in your life, right now!
– Do something that scares you. Pick something big or small to do today that will scare you. Ask someone for something, get up and speak in front of a group, make a phone call you’ve been putting off, take a risk, or do anything else that you know will take some real courage on your part.
– Make a list of current conflicts/issues that you have with other people: deal with them or let them go. There are only two ways to deal with a conflict effectively – directly until it is resolved or let it go completely. Once you’ve made your list – see if you can make a choice, one way or another (deal or let go), with each of these conflicts. With the ones you aren’t willing or able to let go of, stop avoiding this person and pick up the phone, send a note, or go and talk to them – directly, honestly, and vulnerably – and see if you can resolve this conflict once and for all.
– Write a bold mission and vision statement for your life. There are lots of different ways to do this, don’t get too hung up on the process – just do it. Your mission is about who you are and how you live on a daily basis. Your vision is about where you want to be and what you want your life to look and feel like in the future. Make them both clear and specific, paradoxically, don’t get too hung up on the details. And, when they’re done (not perfect) post them so you see them all the time and share them with others in your life.
Which of these (or other) authentic actions will you take today? Share your thoughts, ideas, actions, and more here on my blog.
How often do you truly celebrate who you are? Because many of us, myself included, spend so much time and energy focused on what we think is “wrong” with us, celebrating ourselves doesn’t often come that easy.
For me, I’ve spent much of my life – as a student, an athlete, in business, in relationships, and in general – demanding perfection of myself, and of course, falling short and feeling inadequate on a regular basis. Most people I know and work with have some version of “I’m not good enough” that runs their life. Even though many of us understand this, living our lives from a true place of self acceptance, self appreciation, and self love is often much easier said than done.
The ultimate goal of being ourselves in an authentic way is actually about loving ourselves in a generous way. If we truly love ourselves, most of what we worry about and even much of what we strive for in life becomes meaningless. We may still have some worries, and we’ll definitely continue to have goals, dreams, and desires. However, from a place of true self appreciation and self love, the fear behind our worries and the motivation for our goals dramatically changes from something we have to avoid or produce in order to be accepted and valued, to something we we’re genuinely concerned about or really want to accomplish.
On the flip side, if we don’t love ourselves, nothing much really matters. No matter what we conquer, create, or experience we’re never able to appreciate it, ourselves, or to be fulfilled in the process, because we’re constantly striving to be validated in an insatiable way.
Self love is what we’re all searching for. Sadly, we spend most of our lives thinking that someone or something else can give us what only we can give ourselves. To be truly fulfilled in life, we have to find that love within us and give it to ourselves. No other person, amount of money, material possession, or accomplishment can do it. It’s up to us. We have an opportunity to celebrate who we are for any reason and at any time.
Write a Love Letter To Yourself
This is a simple but powerful exercise I do in workshop and share in my new book, Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken. This process will allow you to take some time to celebrate who you are and to practice appreciating yourself!
- Write a heartfelt letter of gratitude, appreciation, and love to yourself about yourself. Take some time, put some conscious and generous thoughts and feelings into it, and allow yourself to boldly express your love for yourself.
- Put the letter in a sealed envelope with your name, address, and a stamp on it.
- Give the letter to someone you trust and ask them to drop it in the mail to you at some point in the next year (without telling you when they do it).
It will show up in the perfect time and probably on a day you could really use some appreciation and acknowledgement. And, the best part is that the love and validation will come from you!
How can you celebrate yourself today? Share your thoughts, feelings, questions, and more here on my blog.
Do you consider yourself bold? Some of us do, but most people I know and work with, myself included, admit that they don’t often think of themselves as a bold person. Or, if we’ve done or said bold things in our lives, they seem to be few and far between…and they also seem to scare us half to death. Hence, we often don’t find ourselves being bold in life – or not nearly as much as we’d like.
Being bold, while scary and challenging for many of us, is essential if we’re going to live an authentic life. Boldness is about stepping up and stepping out onto our “edge” in life – pushing the limits of what we think is possible or appropriate. It’s about living, speaking, and acting in ways that are both courageous and true to who we really are.
Because we’re all unique, our individual versions of boldness will look quite different. Something that might be “bold” for me, may not be so for you – or vice versa. Being bold has to do with us getting in touch with our deepest truths, passions, and desires in life and then having the courage to live and act “out loud” in a way that is congruent with this.
Here are five key reminders of what it takes to be bold in life:
1) Be True to Yourself – Tell and live your truth with courage, vulnerability, and commitment. We must also remain in a constant inquiry with ourselves about who we are and what’s important to us. It’s okay and necessary in this process to admit when we’ve made a mistake, gone off course, or done something that’s out of integrity for with ourselves, as well as if we feel totally lost (which we will at times). Being true to who we are is about being ruthlessly honest and forgiving with ourselves (and with others) in a way that is both fierce and compassionate.
2) Live with Passion – Passion comes from within us, not from the external circumstances, events, activities, or people in our lives. Being bold is about going for it, not holding back, and giving ourselves fully to our work, our relationships, and our lives. To do this we must generate authentic passion, which is both a powerful emotion as well as a state of being as well.
3) Step Out – Challenge yourself to say and do things that are outside of your comfort zone and that scare you. This will force you to “step out” in your life and step in to who you really are. We often don’t think we’re “ready,” we sometimes don’t know exactly what we’re supposed to do, and we almost never have a guarantee that things will work out. So what! As Ray Bradbury famously said, “Jump, and build your wings on the way down.”
4) Lean on Others – Support, inspiration, and accountability from other people are essential along our journey of boldness and authenticity. We can’t do it all by ourselves and it’s imperative that we reach out to others who believe in us, will tell us the truth, and can help us when we get stuck. Create a “dream team” of powerful and supportive people around you who you can share your hopes, dreams, and ideas with. And, be willing to ask for and receive their support, contribution, and generosity.
5) When You Fall Down, Get Back Up – It’s important to make peace with the fact that you will fall down, probably a lot, if you’re really going for it and playing big in life. How we respond to falling down is what truly makes the difference in our lives. When we make a commitment to ourselves to get back up, dust ourselves off, be real about how we feel and what happened, and not let it stop us from being who we are and going for what we want – we tap into what true power, boldness, and authenticity are all about!