How do you feel about conflict?
Many of us struggle with conflict resolution. We find creative ways to avoid conflicts or even get scared to initiate or engage in conversations that may result in a conflict. Whether we’re comfortable with conflict or not, it’s a part of life, relationships, and work – and always will be.
When we look at conflict more deeply, we realize that it is a vital aspect of growth, change, and every important relationship in our life. The pain, suffering, and stress caused by conflict doesn’t usually come from the conflict itself, it comes from our avoidance of it or inability to deal with it effectively.
Many of us don’t know how to resolve conflict because we have not been trained to engage in conflict resolution in a healthy, productive, and authentic way. This lack of guidance and experience often leads us to avoid conflict altogether or, when we do engage, we end up focusing on protecting ourselves, simply trying to ‘win,’ or both.
The more we embrace and embody authenticity, the more effectively we’re able to engage in and resolve conflict in an honest and successful way. Here are some important components of conflict resolution for us to remember and practice.
Tips on Resolving Conflict
1) Take responsibility
It always “takes two to tango.” Taking responsibility is not about being at fault or blaming the other person. It’s about owning up to the situation and recognizing that we’re a part of the issue.
2) Address the conflict directly
Conflicts are best resolved when addressed head-on and without delay. Approach the issue with honesty and openness, and tackle it as soon as it arises—don’t let it linger and grow.
3) Seek first to understand
As challenging as it can be, the best approach in any conflict situation is to listen with as much understanding, compassion, and empathy as possible, even – and especially – when we’re feeling angry or defensive. If we can understand where the other person is coming from, even if we don’t agree, we have a good chance of being able to work things out.
4) Use “I” statements
If someone does or says something and I have a specific reaction to it, that’s real. However, if I judge, generalize, or accuse someone, it’s merely my biased opinion and can provoke defensiveness if it’s communicated in a self-righteous way. It’s important to present feedback as our own personal view rather than as an objective truth.
5) Go for a win-win
Resolving conflict authentically is about making it a win-win for everyone involved. This doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gets his or her way. It does, however, mean that everyone gets heard, honored, and listened to. When and if possible, we make compromises that leave everyone empowered and in partnership.
6) Acknowledge others
Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation or a situation that involves lots of people, acknowledgement is essential to our ability to engage in productive conflict and to be able to resolve it in an authentic and effective way. Thank the other people involved in the conflict for being willing and able to engage. Thank them for their truth and bravery.
It takes real courage to engage in conflict honestly. When we acknowledge each other, operate with kindness and humility, and remember that vulnerability is the most important aspect of resolving conflicts effectively, we’re reminded that we’re in it together.
There are essentially two effective ways to handle conflicts: address them directly until they’re fully resolved (not just until we get our way) or let them go entirely (not discussing or dwelling on them). While we know how to do both, we often choose a third approach, which fails: trying to address the conflict ineffectively and then complaining to others about how right we are and how wrong the other person or situation is.
Think of some of the biggest conflicts in your life right now. Are you ready to resolve them? If so, decide whether you’re willing to let them go or not. If not, make a commitment to yourself to engage in them using these steps above and do so in an honest, genuine, and vulnerable way. Don’t wait until it’s too late – have the conversation now.
Which conflicts in your life are you willing to let go of? Which ones are you willing to address directly? Share your thoughts, ideas, commitments, and more here on my blog.
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Hi Mike,
Nice piece. Years ago, I learned a concept called “Fair Fighting” to help resolve conflicts. It has 4 simple rules and when you (and the other person) agree to follow them, it really works.
1) All statements begin with “I.” This prevents blame and forces the speaker to “own” his part of the issue.
2) No interrupting. Too often, we’re formulating our defense instead of listening to what the other person is saying.
3) No denials. Since each person is following rule #1, s/he is owning what s/he is saying. How can anyone deny one’s perception?
4) No cross complaints. Stay on one topic. Past and other issues will be handled at another time.
It’s a great technique. Of course, you have to be willing to use it.
Keep up the good work.
It is easy to solve a conflict if there is understanding and forgiveness. It will also depend on the person who are involved.
Mike, I love your blogs and video clips. Thank you for being an amazing human being on this planet. You make a huge difference with people! Cathy
Thank you Mike for being an amazing human being on this planet.
I think that should make sense to me.