Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

Archives for May 2024

The Power of No

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There is real power in saying no.  However, this isn’t always easy to do, especially for those of us, like me, who struggle with people-pleasing or worry about upsetting others.

It’s often particularly challenging to say no to certain people and in specific situations. Have you ever said yes when you really meant no?  Most of us have.

What makes saying no difficult?

What is it about saying no that many of us have a hard time with? For me, it comes down to a few specific things:

  1. I get scared that people will get upset, be disappointed, and/or will judge me.
  2. I’m not a huge fan of hearing no from others myself, so being the one saying it can be difficult.
  3. I pride myself on being open, willing, and ready to say yes at all times. In other words, saying no often seems like a failure, an admission of weakness, or just a negative thing in general.

However, saying no is one of the most important aspects of operating with balance, integrity, and authenticity. Our ability to say no with confidence is one of the most important aspects of creating peace and having healthy boundaries. This is about honoring ourselves and being real – it’s not about being cynical or unwilling.

The power of saying no is essential for healthy boundaries

Saying no is about prioritizing our own needs and well-being, and maintaining autonomy over our time and energy. When we say no to things that don’t align with our goals, values, or interests, we create space for activities and relationships that are truly meaningful and fulfilling. Saying no can also prevent burnout, reduce stress, and help us focus on what truly matters. It’s a vital skill in maintaining balance and fostering healthy relationships, both personally and professionally.

The majority of people I know, especially these days, live their lives with a feeling of overwhelm that either runs them or at least gets in their way from time to time. At the root of a lot of our stress, struggle, and overwhelm – at work and in life – is our inability to say no when necessary.

When we don’t say no in an authentic way, we end up feeling burdened, resentful, and even victimized (although, ironically, we forget that we’re the ones who said yes in the first place).

Saying no has both consequences and benefits

Sometimes we will upset, disappoint, or annoy people when we say no. We also may have quite a bit of fear about saying no to certain people (spouse, boss, co-worker, friend, child, etc.) or in certain situations (at work, with clients, with our in-laws, and more).

However, there are huge benefits to us enhancing our capacity and comfort with no. Tapping into the power of no gives us a sense of freedom and liberation. It also fosters trust in our relationships. When we consistently express our genuine intentions by saying both yes when we mean it and no when we mean it, people can truly count on us.

When we say no with confidence, honesty, and compassion, we do one of the best things we can possibly do to honor ourselves and create a healthy environment around us.

How do you feel about saying “no?” What can you do to enhance your ability and capacity to say “no” with confidence and ease? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Like this article? Here are three more:

Stop ‘Shoulding’ On Yourself
We’re All Doing the Best We Can
How to Be Flexible

Stop ‘Shoulding’ On Yourself

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A while back a mentor of mine said to me, “Mike, it sounds like you’re ‘shoulding’ all over yourself.’

And while this sounds funny, of course, this feedback was important for me to hear at the time and is something many of us do to ourselves, whether we’re conscious of it or not.

If I’m not mindful, it is easy for me to relate to even the most important parts of my life – my marriage, my family, my friends, my health, my work, my spiritual practice, my finances, and more – from the perspective of what I think I should do, say, or feel, and not from a place of what’s true for me.

As I look more deeply at this within myself, I realize that my obsession with doing, saying, or feeling the way I think I should, is actually less about a desire to do the right thing, and more about fear, shame, and a lack of self trust.

When we’re shoulding, it often comes from an insecure place within us where we’re not confident in our own desires and beliefs.

This lack of trust and confidence often leads us to look outside of ourselves for guidance, validation, and the insatiable right way something should be done; which can be quite stressful, anxiety-inducing, and damaging.

Instead of shoulding on yourself, you can ask yourself different questions that come from a place of truth and curiosity.

What if instead of asking ourselves, “What should I do?” we ask ourselves more empowering questions like, “What’s true for me?” or “What am I committed to?” or “What do I truly want?”  These questions, and others like them, come from a much deeper place of authenticity.

This is not to say that everything we think we should do is inherently bad.  That is clearly not the case.  Thinking that we should do things like communicate with kindness, exercise, follow up with people in a timely manner, spend time with our families, eat healthy, take breaks, save money, have fun, work hard, be mindful of the feelings of others, push past our limits, try new things, organize our lives, focus on what we’re grateful for, and so much more – all can be very important aspects of our success and well being (as well as those around us).

However, when we come from a place of should, our motivation and underlying intention for doing whatever it is we’re doing is compromised – even if it’s something we consider to be positive or healthy.  In other words, we often feel stressed, resentful, worried, or annoyed when we’re motivated by should.  This mentality is based on an erroneous notion that there is some big book of rules we must follow in order to be happy and successful.

The distinction here is one of obligation versus choice, or have to versus get to.  When we stop shoulding on ourselves, we’re less motivated by guilt, fear, and shame and can choose to be inspired by authentic desire, commitment, and choice.

How to Stop Shoulding on Yourself

Here are a few things you can do to stop shoulding on yourself:

1. Pay attention to how much should runs your life  

Take some inventory of your life and observe the extent to which your drive is influenced by shoulding. You may even notice how often the word should comes out of your mouth in relation to your own actions, as well as your thoughts or conversations about others.  The more you’re able to notice this, without judgment, the easier it will be to alter it.

2. Play around with different words, thoughts, and motivations other than should

If it’s not about what you (or others) should do, what are other words, thoughts, or motivations you could have?  How can you relate to the most important areas and people in your life differently?  Think about this and see what comes up.  It’s not simply about word choice (although words do have a great deal of power), it’s about altering where you’re coming from in a fundamental way.

3. Ask yourself empowering questions

As I mentioned above, instead of asking yourself the question “What should I do?” see if you can ask yourself more empowering questions – ones that lead you to an authentic and inspired place of motivation.  Consider questions like, “How can I make this fun or enjoyable?” or “What sparks inspiration within me?” or “What aligns with my purpose?” or “How can I serve?” or “What choices would nurture my self-esteem?”

There are so many possibilities, once we stop shoulding on ourselves.

Liked this article? Here are three more:

We’re All Doing the Best We Can
How to Be Flexible
Worry Never Works