Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

self-help

The Power of No

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There is real power in saying no.  However, this isn’t always easy to do, especially for those of us, like me, who struggle with people-pleasing or worry about upsetting others.

It’s often particularly challenging to say no to certain people and in specific situations. Have you ever said yes when you really meant no?  Most of us have.

What makes saying no difficult?

What is it about saying no that many of us have a hard time with? For me, it comes down to a few specific things:

  1. I get scared that people will get upset, be disappointed, and/or will judge me.
  2. I’m not a huge fan of hearing no from others myself, so being the one saying it can be difficult.
  3. I pride myself on being open, willing, and ready to say yes at all times. In other words, saying no often seems like a failure, an admission of weakness, or just a negative thing in general.

However, saying no is one of the most important aspects of operating with balance, integrity, and authenticity. Our ability to say no with confidence is one of the most important aspects of creating peace and having healthy boundaries. This is about honoring ourselves and being real – it’s not about being cynical or unwilling.

The power of saying no is essential for healthy boundaries

Saying no is about prioritizing our own needs and well-being, and maintaining autonomy over our time and energy. When we say no to things that don’t align with our goals, values, or interests, we create space for activities and relationships that are truly meaningful and fulfilling. Saying no can also prevent burnout, reduce stress, and help us focus on what truly matters. It’s a vital skill in maintaining balance and fostering healthy relationships, both personally and professionally.

The majority of people I know, especially these days, live their lives with a feeling of overwhelm that either runs them or at least gets in their way from time to time. At the root of a lot of our stress, struggle, and overwhelm – at work and in life – is our inability to say no when necessary.

When we don’t say no in an authentic way, we end up feeling burdened, resentful, and even victimized (although, ironically, we forget that we’re the ones who said yes in the first place).

Saying no has both consequences and benefits

Sometimes we will upset, disappoint, or annoy people when we say no. We also may have quite a bit of fear about saying no to certain people (spouse, boss, co-worker, friend, child, etc.) or in certain situations (at work, with clients, with our in-laws, and more).

However, there are huge benefits to us enhancing our capacity and comfort with no. Tapping into the power of no gives us a sense of freedom and liberation. It also fosters trust in our relationships. When we consistently express our genuine intentions by saying both yes when we mean it and no when we mean it, people can truly count on us.

When we say no with confidence, honesty, and compassion, we do one of the best things we can possibly do to honor ourselves and create a healthy environment around us.

How do you feel about saying “no?” What can you do to enhance your ability and capacity to say “no” with confidence and ease? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

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We’re All Doing the Best We Can
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We’re All Doing the Best We Can

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I truly believe that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever our current situations and resources may be.

However, many of us can be extremely critical of ourselves and others. And even though I’ve been teaching and practicing the power of appreciation for more than two decades, when I find myself feeling scared, threatened, or insecure (which happens more often than I’d like it to), I notice that I can be quite critical (of myself and other people).

Sadly, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being judgmental doesn’t help, feel good, or lead me to what I truly want in my relationships, work, and life.

Doing the Best We Can

I heard the late, great Louise Hay (bestselling author and founder of Hay House, the publisher of my three most recent books), say a number of years ago, “It’s important to remember that people are always doing the best they can, including you.”

The power of this statement continues to have an impact on me to this day.  And, although I sometimes forget, when I do remember that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever tools we have and the circumstances we’re experiencing, it usually calms me down and creates a sense of empathy and compassion for the people I’m dealing with and for myself.

When we take a step back and remember that most of the time people aren’t out to get us, we can save ourselves from unnecessary overreactions and stress.  And extending this understanding and kindness towards ourselves can significantly improve our lives and relationships.

As the Dalai Lama so reminds us, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

How to Practice Compassion

Here are some things you can do to practice compassion.

1. Give people the benefit of the doubt 

Most of the time people have good intentions.  Many of us, myself included, have been trained to be cautious and suspicious of others, even seeing this as an important and effective skill in life and business.  However, we almost always get what we expect from people, so the more often we give people the benefit of the doubt, the more often they’ll prove us right, and the less often we will waste our precious time and energy on cynicism, suspicion, and judgment.

2. Don’t take things personally

I love the great saying, “You wouldn’t worry about what other people think about you so much, if you realized how little they actually did.”  The truth is that most people are focused on themselves much more than on us.  Too often we take things personally that have nothing to do with us.  This doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us or treat us in disrespectful ways (it can be important for us to speak up and have healthy boundaries).  However, when we stop taking things so personally, we liberate ourselves from needless upset, defensiveness, and conflict.

3. Look for the good

We almost always find what we look for.  If you want to find some things about me that you don’t like, consider obnoxious, or get on your nerves – just look for them, I’m sure you’ll come up with some.  On the flip side, if you want to find some of my best qualities and things you appreciate about me, just look for those – they are there too.  As Werner Erhard said, “In every human being there is both garbage and gold, it’s up to us to choose what we pay attention to.” Looking for the good in others (as well as in life and in ourselves), is one of the best ways to find things to appreciate and be grateful for.

4. Seek first to understand 

Often when we’re frustrated, annoyed, or in conflict with another person (or group of people), we don’t feel seen, heard, or understood.  As challenging and painful as this can be, one of the best things we can do is to shift our attention from trying to get other people to understand us (or being irritated that it seems like they don’t), to seeking to understand the other person (or people) involved in an authentic way.

Understanding others can be difficult, especially when the situation or conflict is very personal and emotional. However, seeking to understand is one of the best ways for us to liberate ourselves from the grip of criticism and judgment, and often helps shift the overall dynamic. Being curious and empathic of another person and their perspective doesn’t mean we agree with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they’re coming from – which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them, and ultimately resolving the conflict.

5. Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself)

Being gentle is the opposite of being critical. When we’re gentle, we’re compassionate, kind, and loving. We may not like, agree with, or totally understand what someone has done (or why), but we can be gentle in how we respond and engage with them. This is about having a true sense of empathy and perspective. And, the most important place for us to bring a sense of gentleness is to ourselves. Many of us have a tendency to be hyper self-critical. Sadly, some of the harshest criticism we dole out in life is aimed right at us. Another great saying I love is, “We don’t see people as they are, we see them as we are.” As we alter how we relate to ourselves, our relationship to everyone else and to the world shifts in a fundamental way.

Everyone around us – our friends, co-workers, significant other, family members, children, clients, and even people we don’t know or care for – are doing the best they can, given the resources they have. When we remember this and come from a truly compassionate perspective (with others and with ourselves), we’re able to tap into a deeper level of peace, appreciation, and fulfillment.

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How to Be Flexible

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How flexible are you?

For me, it depends – on my mood, how much fear or resistance I have about something, how attached I am to a particular outcome, and various other factors.

However, as I reflect upon it, I realize that the situations, relationships, and experiences that cause me the greatest stress and frustration, are almost always the places where I’m not being flexible.  And, on the flip side, the more flexible I am – the more peace, ease, and fulfillment become available for me and those around me.

Flexibility is vital for adapting to all of the uncertainties we face – at work and in life. It’s about embracing change while staying true to our core values, which ultimately leads to smoother navigation through the twists and turns of life.

Today, more than ever, we are challenged to be flexible – in our work, our relationships, our families, and in just about every other important aspect of our lives.  However, due to fear, self-righteousness, resistance, stress, ignorance, rigidity, and more, we often end up being inflexible to our own detriment and to the frustration of those around us (or so I’ve been told).

Being flexible is not about being weak or passive.  Flexibility is a conscious choice, a powerful skill, and a valuable approach to the ever-changing, always-evolving world in which we live.  We can be firm in our convictions, passionate about our beliefs, and clear about our intentions, and at the same time be flexible enough to make pivots and be open to new ideas along the way.

Here are some key elements to expanding your own capacity for flexibility in your life – which will lead you to greater peace, joy, and fulfillment.

How to Be Flexible

Being flexible is like having a secret superpower. It helps you roll with the punches, bounce back from setbacks, and think outside the box. It can significantly help you in managing stress and empowering your team. Whether it’s trying new things or dealing with curveballs, flexibility is as important as ever these days.

Here are a few more tips on how you can be more flexible.

1. Let Go of Your Attachment

Whenever we get attached to something – a specific outcome, a particular way of doing things, a rigid opinion, etc. – we are, by definition, inflexible.  Letting go of our attachment to something doesn’t mean we negate our desire or intention, it simply means we let go of controlling every aspect of it, forcing the action, and our fixation on it being exactly the way we think it should be.  This is a process of conscious “non-attachment” (letting go), as opposed to detachment (not caring).

2. Be Willing to Be Wrong

Most of us love to be right and will do and say just about anything to avoid being wrong.  Our obsession with “rightness” and fear of “wrongness” often gets in the way of going for what we want, saying what’s on our mind, and letting go of our fixed ideas about how things are supposed to be.  When we’re willing to be wrong (not necessarily interested in or intending to be wrong), we free ourselves up and give ourselves permission to take risks, try new things, and approach things (even really important things) with a creative, innovative, and flexible perspective.

Our obsession with being right can hinder our pursuit of desires and expression of thoughts, trapping us in fixed ideas and fear-based activity. Embracing the possibility of being wrong liberates us…giving us the courage to take risks, embrace vulnerability, and approach challenges with a growth mindset.

3. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

Taking ourselves too seriously (something which I know a thing or two about), creates unnecessary stress, pressure, and worry.  When we’re able to laugh at ourselves (in a kind way), keep things in perspective, and remember that most of what we deal with on a daily basis in life is not life or death – we can take ourselves less seriously and thus have a more balanced, peaceful, and flexible way of relating to things.

4. Go with the Flow

If we pay attention to life, there is a natural flow that exists (although it may not always look or feel like it).  The more we’re able to tap into the natural flow of life, trust ourselves and others, and believe that things will work out – the more likely we are to allow things to roll off our backs and manifest with ease.  As Esther Hicks says, “Most people are rowing against the current of life.  Instead of turning the boat around, all they need to do is let go of the oars.”

5. Get Support and Feedback From Others

The support and feedback of others can be invaluable in so many aspects of our life, work, and growth, especially as it relates to us being more flexible.  We can learn from and model others who are more flexible than we are.  We can also give people around us permission to remind us (with kindness) when we get rigid, uptight, over-attached, and start taking ourselves too seriously. Their guidance can help keep us grounded and balanced, especially when things go sideways.

Being flexible doesn’t mean being wishy-washy or lacking principles. It’s about finding a balance between being open to change and staying true to our values and goals. Flexibility allows us to navigate the complexities of life with grace and resilience. As we enhance our ability to be flexible, our impact, perspective, and success can and will expand exponentially.

How can you practice being more flexible right now? Share your thoughts, examples, insights, and more on my blog below.

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Worry Never Works

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Many of us spend a lot of time worrying. About bills, relationships, health, finances, work, the state of the world, and more.  Although this is completely understandable, especially these days, and it’s something I find myself struggling with at times in pretty significant ways…I’ve learned throughout my life that worry never works.

Worrying is actually detrimental to our health, well-being, and our ability to experience what we truly want in life. When we worry, we’re simply preparing to be upset in the future – assuming that something bad will happen and creating a dress rehearsal for our anger, disappointment, and/or frustration.

Worry doesn’t work because it keeps us fixated on potential problems without thinking about productive solutions. It amplifies stress, impairs decision-making, and harms our mental and physical health. Often, worries are beyond our control or blown out of proportion, leading to unnecessary distress. Instead, focusing on actionable steps, maintaining perspective, and practicing mindfulness, we stay stuck in the negative trap of imagining all the ways things could go wrong.

Worrying has simply become a habituated and unconscious behavior for many of us. We tend to find ways to justify this – thinking that worrying proves we really care, helps keep us focused, or allows us to stay on top of things in a responsible way.

While this all makes sense, on a deeper level I’ve realized over the years that worrying is just an erroneous attempt to control the uncontrollable – life.

Given that we all know, at least to some degree, that worrying doesn’t really work and actually makes things worse – why do we do it?

If Worry Never Works, Why Do We Do It?

We worry as a natural response to uncertainty, potential threats, or challenges in our lives. It’s a way for our minds to try to anticipate and prepare for problems, but it can also stem from a desire for control or fear of the unknown. While worrying can sometimes serve a protective function, it often becomes excessive and counterproductive, leading to increased stress and anxiety.

Here are some of the main reasons we worry so much…

1. We’re Trained to Worry

We’ve been trained to worry throughout our lives – by our parents, teachers, friends, family members, co-workers, the media, our culture, and more. From the time we were kids, we’re taught (directly and indirectly) that we’re supposed to worry about lots of things – crime, illness, money, our children, being taken advantage of, pollution, and so much more. While some may argue that there are many things we should be concerned and aware about, “worrying” about any of these things doesn’t make them better or help us address them in a specific way.

2. We Don’t Know How to Express Our Real Emotions

We’re not usually encouraged or even all that good at acknowledging, addressing, and expressing our real emotions. Worry is often a suppressed form of fear, anger, shame, or other emotions we find difficult to deal with. Because worrying is much more socially acceptable than expressing our authentic fear (or anger, guilt, helplessness, shame, sadness, confusion, overwhelm, etc.), we tend to actively worry about things all the time. Our inability to express our real emotions, which is usually the source, is what keeps worry in place.

3. We Worry That Something Bad Will Happen

Finally, we worry that if we stop worrying, something really bad will happen. As ironic as it may seem, we continue to worry, somehow thinking we are protecting ourselves. In actuality, when we worry we’re just setting ourselves up for more stress and fear…and in a strange way, sometimes even attracting more negative outcomes and experiences to us by being so fixated on all that could go wrong.

How to Stop Worrying

Here are a few things you can do to let go of worry and operate with a deeper sense of peace and freedom:

1. Notice What You Worry About

Like most aspects of life and growth, the first step is authentic awareness. When we become conscious of our own habits, thoughts, and patterns as it relates to worrying, we can start to make some healthy choices and changes. As you notice your own tendency to worry, have compassion with yourself and see if you’re willing to let it go.

2. Identify and express your real emotions

Worry often originates from underlying emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, shame, or powerlessness. By acknowledging and embracing these emotions, we can navigate through them and release their energy. This process of emotional release enables us to transform our worries and ultimately free ourselves from their grip.

3. Take conscious and courageous action

Worry often renders us inactive; stuck in a state of negative thinking or fear-based reactions. Taking conscious and courageous actions in the face of our fear and worry can be one of the most empowering things for us to do. This is not about frantic, random, erroneous activity (just for the sake of doing something), this is about us taking deliberate action as a way of moving through our fear in a direct and authentic way.

Worrying is a natural aspect of our human experience. It’s important not to criticize ourselves for it, but rather to recognize its presence. Worry can significantly impact our success, well-being, and sense of fulfillment. By acknowledging this and understanding that worry never really works, we can delve into what is really going on within us, transforming it into a force for positive change.

What do you worry about most? Are you willing to let go of worry? If so, what will that take? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

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Love Yourself, and the Rest Will Follow

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How do you feel about self-love?  

More importantly, how well do you love yourself?  

For most of us, loving ourselves is something we may know is important, but often have difficulty actually feeling, expressing, and embodying.

I’ve spent much of my life – as a student, an athlete, in business, in relationships, and in general – struggling with worthiness and perfectionism. Most people I know and work with have some version of “I’m not good enough” that negatively impacts their life, their work, and their relationships.

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day and think about the important people in our lives whom we love (or the fact that we wish we had more love in our lives), much of our focus tends to be outward and not inward.

Love Yourself, and the Rest Will Follow

Self-love is what we’re often searching for – in our work, our relationships, and our lives. Sadly, we spend most of our time thinking that someone or something else can give us what only we can give ourselves. 

To be truly fulfilled, we have to find the love within us and give it to ourselves. 

No other person, material possession, or accomplishment can do it. It’s up to us.

One of the best gifts we can give to the people around us is to love ourselves in a genuine way. As my mom used to say to me when I was young, “You can’t love anyone else, until you love yourself.”  She was right, but this is often much easier said than done.

How to Deepen Your Capacity for Loving Yourself

Here are a few things to think about and practice as you deepen your capacity for loving yourself:

1) Notice your relationship to self love

How do you feel about self-love and self-care? How comfortable are you with these important things and what resistance do you have to loving and caring for yourself? 

Being honest about your own relationship to self-love is the first step in altering it. Many of us have not been encouraged or taught to love ourselves. We have also not seen many healthy models of self-love around us. 

We’re often much better at being hard on ourselves than we are at being kind and loving towards ourselves. Based on these and other factors, self-love can be a bit tricky. Once we tell the truth about how we relate to self-love, we can start to expand our ability to love ourselves in a more real way.

2) Let go of your conditions. 

When it comes to loving ourselves, if we even put much attention on it, we often do so in a very conditional way. We love ourselves only when we do “good” things, “succeed” in specific ways, or take care of ourselves in ways we deem important.  

While there’s nothing wrong with us feeling good about ourselves in relation to these and other positive things, truly loving ourselves is an unconditional process – which means accepting, appreciating, and celebrating all of who we are, both light and dark. 

By letting go of our conditions and loving ourselves unconditionally, – like the way we often love babies, animals, or others we have little or no specific expectations of – we can start to deepen our authentic love for ourselves.

3) Start practicing, right now.

Do anything and everything you can to express love for yourself – right now, not after you think you “deserve” it. 

Since most of us have some resistance to loving ourselves, taking any and every self-loving action we can think of is important. 

There are lots of things we can do – both big and small – to practice loving ourselves. Speaking kindly about ourselves, taking compliments graciously, taking care of ourselves, honoring and embracing our emotions, pampering ourselves, celebrating our successes (and failures), appreciating and loving our “flaws,” and much more are all simple (although not always easy) things we can do to practice self-love. 

Also, be willing to ask for help and look to others who seem to do a good job with self-love and self-care, so you can get the support and guidance that you need. Loving ourselves is a life-long, never ending practice.

Self love is the starting point, not the end game, of our conscious growth and development.  

For most of us, myself included, it’s much easier to talk about loving ourselves than it is to actually practice it. However, when we put our attention on loving ourselves in an authentic way, everything in our lives that is important to us – our work, our relationships, our goals, our health, our team, our family, our community, and more – flows from there with a greater sense of ease, joy, and, most importantly, love.

What do you love about yourself? How can you expand your capacity for self-love in a way that will positively impact you, those around you, and your entire life? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.   

 

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This article was originally published in February 2010 and updated for 2023.