Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

vulnerability

The Importance of Asking for Help

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As much as we love to lend our support and help others, many of us find asking for help awkward or uncomfortable. 

How can we shift our mindset on what it means about us when we’re willing to reach out to others?

When we ask people for their time, feedback, or support in a gracious way, it creates a win-win for everyone. Asking for help is a way to practice vulnerability, which is a necessary aspect of bringing our whole selves to work and life.

Why Do We Struggle Asking for Help?

Most of us have a hard time asking for help. Here are a few different reasons we have trouble doing it.

1. We’re scared of being judged. 

We fear that people will judge us or think we’re weak when we ask for help. It’s hard enough to summon up the courage to ask for help – but the fear of judgment behind it can be just as hard to deal with.

2. We don’t want to burden people.

Asking for help brings about the fear that we are annoying people – that we are being a burden on them, especially these days with all that is going on. We also worry about seeming selfish.

3. We’re afraid of rejection.

Many of us also worry that the person we ask for help will say no. We’ll get the courage to push through the fear of being judged and then have to face someone saying no after being so vulnerable.

It’s hard enough to make ourselves vulnerable, and most of us hate feeling rejected and disappointed. The fear of being disappointed and disappointing others can be an overwhelming one.

4. We’re scared they’ll do it wrong.

Another reason some of us struggle asking for help is because we’re scared they’ll do it wrong. Often we think – or even know – that we can do better.

But when we keep our world small and enclosed in only our perspective, it limits how vast our experience can grow and expand to.

If we’re struggling with things, asking for help can help us get through it.

Why Asking for Help is Important

 

– It helps us be more vulnerable and authentic.

Asking for help is a great way to practice being authentic and vulnerable, which allows us to have empathy for and with other human beings.

I define authenticity as honesty without self-righteousness and with vulnerability.  When we ask for help, we put ourselves out there. 

Being vulnerable allows us to connect with others, and it is important for us to embrace it. But many of us are afraid to do this because vulnerability carries a sense of risk and uncertainty.

– Practicing vulnerability helps us open up.

Vulnerability means opening up and making ourselves emotionally exposed. We must put our emotions on the line and be willing to fall on our faces. The more we practice being vulnerable, the more we build that muscle, and the more risk we can take while dealing with uncertainty. It helps us build trust with ourselves and with others.

– We will always stay at “no” if we don’t ask. 

We don’t get help if we don’t ask. When we ask for support, we worry about rejection or feeling embarrassed – but most of the time, none of those things happen.

Our strongest fears about what will happen when we ask for help rarely occur. The worst-case scenario is getting a “no” or an inauthentic yes. But when we ask, we may get the help and support we need that is super valuable.

When we ask for help, we give others the opportunity for the joy and satisfaction that comes from helping.

Asking for help might scare us, but remember – they might say yes.

When we get support, we are allowing others to help another human being. Asking people for help graciously creates a virtuous cycle. We are more likely to want to help that person in return if they ever ask for help, and vice versa. 

We have to be willing to ask for help and also be willing to receive it. 

Some of us take pride in being a martyr or think it’s admirable to be burdened with doing it all on our own. However, there is real courage in asking for help. 

If we become better at asking for help, we will get more help. We will empower the people around us in a way that nourishes them and us. We can also create an environment where we receive and give support in a generous and abundant way. 

When that happens, everyone thrives. Remember: we’re all in this together.

Your challenge for the week is to start asking for help, even when you feel uncomfortable. Remember that asking for help is a courageous and vulnerable task. It’s also an opportunity to both get and give support in a meaningful way. 

 

In what ways can you start asking for help? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

 

Liked this article? Here are three more!

The Challenge and Importance of Self-Care

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It is so important for us to take care of ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually…especially these days. 

Although we know this, it’s much easier said than done, isn’t it? 

If you had told me a few years ago that I’d be spending so much time at home over the past two years, not traveling or speaking—I would have thought that I would be able to take care of myself really well – exercising, resting, meditating, etc.

That wasn’t the case for me for the first year and a half or so of Covid. How about you?  Many people I know and work with have talked to me about challenges along these lines, particularly during the pandemic.

For me, it was and, at times, still is hard to get and stay motivated. It’s easy to get stuck in the monotony of things and also unhealthy patterns with respect to eating, sleeping, exercising—or lack thereof.

Whatever your current struggle may be with self-care, you’re not alone. It continues to be a challenging and stressful time for just about all of us. 

How can we take better care of ourselves? And how do we do so in a more kind and compassionate way?

I have five ideas for what we can do to enhance our self-care in a healthy and effective way right now.

The Importance of Self-Care

Many of us struggle with our approach to self-care. And while self-care is essential, it can be tricky for several reasons. 

Here are some things we can focus on and do to improve how we care for ourselves:

1. Awareness

Awareness is about being mindful and real about how we feel – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  This awareness can be easier said than done, but it is the first step to caring for ourselves in a successful way.

Being authentic with ourselves is essential to our well-being on every level, and this starts with awareness.

2. Compassion

Have compassion for yourself. We’ve been through a lot and we continue to navigate an incredibly challenging time. All that has happened has disrupted how we operate and care for ourselves. If you are struggling, remember, you’re not the only one. 

Sometimes it’s easier to have compassion for others than ourselves. Just remember…you’re not broken, flawed, or screwed up. You’re just human.

There are four steps we can follow when finding great compassion for ourselves and making positive changes:

  1. Recognize (the pattern, thought, or behavior)
  2. Acknowledge (what we’re feeling or doing and the impact it is having)
  3. Forgive ourselves
  4. Change

There’s nothing wrong with us if we’ve picked up some unhealthy habits over the past few years. Have compassion for yourself. And remember to always appreciate and love yourself.

3. Reach out for support

Having other people to talk to can be very helpful. People want to support us, and most of us are fortunate enough to have people in our lives who are there for us…especially if we’re willing to reach out and let them know we need support.

Have you ever noticed other people’s issues and challenges are way easier to address than our own? Even the most intense and complicated situations don’t seem nearly as complex when they are going on for other people…because we’re not emotionally attached to them in the same way we are with our own stuff.

The further away we are from the situation, the easier it is for us to have a healthy perspective on it. Many of our biggest issues are related to our own trauma or negative patterns. 

It can be hard to confront our challenges authentically and effectively—but that’s why therapy and coaching can be so valuable.  When a skilled person can help us look at our stuff from an outside perspective, they can often help us get out of our own way and move through things.

4. Take action

Take some thoughtful and intentional action, even if it’s small. You can journal, walk, meditate, stretch, or take a good old-fashioned break.

Don’t take action for the sake of action, but take intentional action. It might feel awkward at first, but taking action and getting into some kind of movement can make a big difference.

5. Accountability

A very practical and actionable way to overcome struggle or resistance is to have some kind of positive accountability. Accountability helps us move past blocks and stick to healthy habits, especially when they might be different or challenging.

Changing our behavior and trying new things can be scary—but having some accountability can help us take that first step…and then keep going.

Caring for ourselves is so important, particularly right now, and it can be really hard to do.  Let’s be real about it and kind as we look to make some positive shifts and changes with our self-care.

 

What can you do to take care of yourself right now in a compassionate and effective way?  Share your thoughts or questions below in the comments.

Bring Your Whole Self to Work

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I recently gave a TEDx talk in which I reflected on what I’ve seen and learned over the past fifteen years – researching, writing, and speaking about essential human experiences in the workplace.  As I addressed in this talk, I believe that for us to thrive professionally, especially in today’s world, we must be willing bring our whole selves to the work that we do.  And, for the groups, teams, and organizations that we’re a part of to truly succeed, it’s essential to create an environment where people feel safe to bring all of who they are to work.

While this is a fairly simple concept, it’s much easier said than done.  It takes a great deal of courage for us both individually and collectively to bring our whole selves to work.  However, what my research and experience has shown me is that when we do this – not only are we more likely to create success and fulfillment for ourselves, we can have the greatest impact on the people around us and together we’re able to do our best work.

Here are some things you can do personally to more effectively bring your whole self to work:

1) Embrace vulnerability – We erroneously think that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness; it’s not.  While vulnerability can be scary and hard, it’s actually essential for healthy risk, change, growth, creativity, innovation, and more.  We can’t do, experience, or accomplish anything new or significant without vulnerability.  As Dr. Brene Brown from the University of Houston says, “You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability.”  She’s right, and the more willing we are to embrace vulnerability, the more courage we have to do our work the way we want to and to have the kind of impact we most desire.

2) Be willing to have sweaty palmed conversations – A number of years ago a mentor of mine said to me, “Mike what stands between you and the kind of relationships you really want is probably a ten minute, sweaty palmed conversation that you’re too afraid to have.”  Too often we avoid difficulties, challenges, and conflicts with others because we’re afraid of the consequences of speaking up or engaging.  However, when we have the courage to have those “sweaty palmed” conversations, we increase our ability to resolve conflicts, make deeper connections, and build authentic confidence.

3) Stop trying to survive – Something that gets in our way, especially when we’re doing things that truly matter to us, is that we hold back and play it safe.  I learned a lot about this during my years as an athlete – over 18 years of playing baseball, even and especially at the college and professional level – the most disappointing moments I had weren’t when I failed, but when I held myself back due my fear of failing.  I remember a coach of mine saying something powerful and poignant to me about this.  He said, “Mike, you’re living your life as though you’re trying to survive it.  You have to remember…no one ever has!”  When we consciously let go of our obsession with survival, we make it possible to take risks and go for what we truly want.

If you run a business, lead an organization, manage a team, or simply want the people around you to feel safe and empowered to bring all of who they are to the work they do, there are two important components to creating an atmosphere that is conducive to this type of authenticity, which ultimately leads to the greatest levels of engagement, connection, and performance:

– Healthy High Expectations: High expectations are essential for people to thrive.  However, the expectations have to be healthy – meaning there is a high standard of excellence; not insatiable, unhealthy pressure to be perfect.  We almost always get what we expect from others, although if we expect perfection, everyone falls short and people aren’t set up to succeed.  Healthy high expectations are about having a high bar and challenging people to be their absolute best.

– High Level of Nurturance: Nurturance has to do with people feeling seen, heard, and valued – not just for what they do, but for who they are.  It also has to do with it being safe to make mistakes, ask for help, speak up, and disagree.  Nurturing environments are filled with an authentic sense of compassion and empathy – people feel cared about and supported.

We often think that in order to have a high bar we can’t also be nurturing.  Or, we think if we nurture people, we can’t also expect a lot from them.  Actually, the goal is to do both at the same time, and to do so passionately.

Bringing our whole selves to work and creating an environment which supports this are no small things.  They take courage on everyone’s part and, at times, go against conventional wisdom.  However, when we’re willing to show up fully and we encourage others to do the same, that creates the conditions for all of us to thrive.

Check out the video of my new TEDx talk, “Bring Your Whole Self to Work.“

How easy or difficult do you find it to bring your whole self to work?  Is the environment where you work feel safe and conducive to you bringing your whole self?  What questions or suggestions do you have about this? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

Let Go of Worry

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How often do you catch yourself worrying?

When I was a kid my mom used to say to me, “95% of what you worry about never happens.” I think she recognized that I was the “worrying type” and was trying to help ease my mind. Although this rarely worked, I appreciated her sentiment and know now that she was right.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been prone to worrying. I continue to work on this, let it go, forgive myself for it, and choose different ways of being in the face of my fear. And, I still catch myself worrying more than I’d like – about the future, about my body, about how things will turn out, about what people think about me, about money, about the well-being of my loved ones, about the state of the world, and much more.

However, no matter how much we worry, it never really helps. And, as we look deeper at what worrying actually is – a set-up for failure, a negative attractor, and a denial or avoidance of feeling our true feelings – we see that it can have a damaging impact on our lives, our work, and our relationships. When we worry, we’re simply preparing to be upset or angry – assuming something won’t work out in the future.

Worry not only creates stress, it has an impact (usually negative) on what we create and manifest, and on our experience of life in general. Worry is a superficial emotion. It’s clearly something that many of us are all familiar with, can share with others in a way that will garner sympathy, empathy, or even pity, and is easy for us to go through daily life experiencing. However, underneath our worry are usually deeper emotions like shame, fear, guilt, hurt, or anger; many of which are more difficult for us to feel and express.

If we’re able to tell the truth and face our deeper feelings, we won’t have to waste our time and energy worrying.  We can then deal with the root of the issue, not the superficial impact of it (which is what worry usually is).

There’s nothing wrong with feeling scared, angry, hurt, and even “worried,” in and of itself. These emotions, like love, gratitude, excitement, joy, and others are very important to our human experience. Emotions that are felt deeply and expressed appropriately give us power (regardless of what they are). Emotions that are not felt deeply, that are denied or avoided, and are not effectively expressed, can be damaging to us and those around us.

Worry is always a sign that there are some deeper feelings or issues for us to address. It’s often a good reminder for us to get more real, take better care of ourselves, and pay attention.

Below is a list of some things you can do when you get worried.  These simple ideas can help you move through your worry in a positive way:

  • When you notice yourself worrying; stop, check in with yourself, and take a few slow deep breaths (all the way down to your belly)
  • Ask yourself, what’s underneath my worry? (i.e. why am I really worried and what am I really feeling?)
  • Face, feel, and express these underlying emotions – get support from others in this process if you need it.
  • Once you have felt and expressed these emotions, choose how you want to feel and what you want to create, instead of playing the role of the victim.
  • Appreciate yourself for the courage it takes to be honest and to deal with the challenging situations or emotions you’re experiencing.
  • Focus on the good stuff in your life (i.e. be grateful for what you have, who you are, and what you’re going through)
  • Be of service to others – generously put your attention on those around you who can benefit from your help.  It will be a great gift to them and to you. Service can allow you to shift your attention from your worry to what you have to give, which is a true win-win for everyone involved.

What can you do today to let go of anything you’re currently worrying about?  How can you let go of worry in an on-going way in your life?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

It’s Okay to Ask for Help

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How do you feel about asking other people for help?

I’ve noticed that many of us, myself included, get a little funny about requesting support.  While we’re all different and we each have our own unique perspective, reaction, and process as it relates to reaching out to others, it seems that this can be quite a tricky exercise for most of the people I know and work with.

I have somewhat of a bi-polar relationship to asking for help myself.  I can definitely be a “lone ranger” at times and often, especially when I feel stressed or pressured, try to do everything myself – either because I feel insecure about asking for support or because I self righteously think that I’m the only one who can do it the “right” way.  On the other hand, I can sometimes be quite pushy, forceful, and presumptuous with my requests (aka demands) of support (or so I’ve been told).  Ah, to be human!

However, as I’ve also experienced personally and seen in others many times throughout my life and in my work, there is a beautiful place of balance between going it all alone and demanding help from others in an obnoxious way.  This all stems from our ability to genuinely ask for and graciously receive the support of other people.  The irony of this whole phenomenon is that most of us love to help others, while many of us have a hard time asking others for help ourselves.

Requesting support can often make us feel vulnerable.  We usually think (somewhat erroneously) that we should be able to do everything ourselves or that by admitting we need help, we are somehow being weak.  In addition, many of us are sensitive about being told “no” and by asking others to help us we put ourselves out there and risk being rejected.

What if we had more freedom to ask for what we wanted and for specific support from other people? What if we could make requests in a confident, humble, and empowering way? What if we remembered that we are worthy of other people’s help and that our ability to both ask for and receive it not only supports us, but also gives them an opportunity to contribute (which most people really want to do).

It still might be a little scary, we may get our feelings hurt from time to time, and on occasion people may have some opinions or reactions to what we ask for or how we do so. But, when we give ourselves permission and remind ourselves that it’s not only okay, but essential for us to ask for help – we can create a true sense of support and empowerment in our lives and in our relationships!

Here are a few things we can do to have more freedom and confidence when asking for help.

1) Make Genuine Requests, without Attachment. A “genuine” request can be accepted or declined, without any consequence.  In other words, if we get really upset when someone says “no” to us, not only were we attached to the outcome, it probably wasn’t a real request to begin with (it was a demand).  When we ask for what we want, without being attached to the response, we have more freedom to ask and ultimately our chances of getting what we want are greatly increased.

2) Be Easy To Support.   There are some specific things we can do to make it easier to support us.  Such as:

  • Be open to the coaching and feedback of others.
  • Thank people for their support.
  • Let people do things to support us in their own unique way instead of micro-managing them (this one is often tough for me).
  • Allow people’s support when it is offered.

3) Give Your Support to Others Generously. When we put our attention on supporting other people, the universe has a way of returning the favor.  It may or may not always come back to us from the people we help specifically, and that’s okay.  We want to do our best not to “keep score,” as many of us often do, but instead to look for opportunities to genuinely help those around us.  When we do this, we remind ourselves of the power of support and we experience it as the true “win-win” it is.

How can you start asking for and allowing the support of others?  Where in your life do you really want support from other people right now? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.