Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

vulnerability

Bring Your Whole Self to Work

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I recently gave a TEDx talk in which I reflected on what I’ve seen and learned over the past fifteen years – researching, writing, and speaking about essential human experiences in the workplace.  As I addressed in this talk, I believe that for us to thrive professionally, especially in today’s world, we must be willing bring our whole selves to the work that we do.  And, for the groups, teams, and organizations that we’re a part of to truly succeed, it’s essential to create an environment where people feel safe to bring all of who they are to work.

While this is a fairly simple concept, it’s much easier said than done.  It takes a great deal of courage for us both individually and collectively to bring our whole selves to work.  However, what my research and experience has shown me is that when we do this – not only are we more likely to create success and fulfillment for ourselves, we can have the greatest impact on the people around us and together we’re able to do our best work.

Here are some things you can do personally to more effectively bring your whole self to work:

1) Embrace vulnerability – We erroneously think that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness; it’s not.  While vulnerability can be scary and hard, it’s actually essential for healthy risk, change, growth, creativity, innovation, and more.  We can’t do, experience, or accomplish anything new or significant without vulnerability.  As Dr. Brene Brown from the University of Houston says, “You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability.”  She’s right, and the more willing we are to embrace vulnerability, the more courage we have to do our work the way we want to and to have the kind of impact we most desire.

2) Be willing to have sweaty palmed conversations – A number of years ago a mentor of mine said to me, “Mike what stands between you and the kind of relationships you really want is probably a ten minute, sweaty palmed conversation that you’re too afraid to have.”  Too often we avoid difficulties, challenges, and conflicts with others because we’re afraid of the consequences of speaking up or engaging.  However, when we have the courage to have those “sweaty palmed” conversations, we increase our ability to resolve conflicts, make deeper connections, and build authentic confidence.

3) Stop trying to survive – Something that gets in our way, especially when we’re doing things that truly matter to us, is that we hold back and play it safe.  I learned a lot about this during my years as an athlete – over 18 years of playing baseball, even and especially at the college and professional level – the most disappointing moments I had weren’t when I failed, but when I held myself back due my fear of failing.  I remember a coach of mine saying something powerful and poignant to me about this.  He said, “Mike, you’re living your life as though you’re trying to survive it.  You have to remember…no one ever has!”  When we consciously let go of our obsession with survival, we make it possible to take risks and go for what we truly want.

If you run a business, lead an organization, manage a team, or simply want the people around you to feel safe and empowered to bring all of who they are to the work they do, there are two important components to creating an atmosphere that is conducive to this type of authenticity, which ultimately leads to the greatest levels of engagement, connection, and performance:

– Healthy High Expectations: High expectations are essential for people to thrive.  However, the expectations have to be healthy – meaning there is a high standard of excellence; not insatiable, unhealthy pressure to be perfect.  We almost always get what we expect from others, although if we expect perfection, everyone falls short and people aren’t set up to succeed.  Healthy high expectations are about having a high bar and challenging people to be their absolute best.

– High Level of Nurturance: Nurturance has to do with people feeling seen, heard, and valued – not just for what they do, but for who they are.  It also has to do with it being safe to make mistakes, ask for help, speak up, and disagree.  Nurturing environments are filled with an authentic sense of compassion and empathy – people feel cared about and supported.

We often think that in order to have a high bar we can’t also be nurturing.  Or, we think if we nurture people, we can’t also expect a lot from them.  Actually, the goal is to do both at the same time, and to do so passionately.

Bringing our whole selves to work and creating an environment which supports this are no small things.  They take courage on everyone’s part and, at times, go against conventional wisdom.  However, when we’re willing to show up fully and we encourage others to do the same, that creates the conditions for all of us to thrive.

Check out the video of my new TEDx talk, “Bring Your Whole Self to Work.“

How easy or difficult do you find it to bring your whole self to work?  Is the environment where you work feel safe and conducive to you bringing your whole self?  What questions or suggestions do you have about this? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

Let Go of Worry

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How often do you catch yourself worrying?

When I was a kid my mom used to say to me, “95% of what you worry about never happens.” I think she recognized that I was the “worrying type” and was trying to help ease my mind. Although this rarely worked, I appreciated her sentiment and know now that she was right.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been prone to worrying. I continue to work on this, let it go, forgive myself for it, and choose different ways of being in the face of my fear. And, I still catch myself worrying more than I’d like – about the future, about my body, about how things will turn out, about what people think about me, about money, about the well-being of my loved ones, about the state of the world, and much more.

However, no matter how much we worry, it never really helps. And, as we look deeper at what worrying actually is – a set-up for failure, a negative attractor, and a denial or avoidance of feeling our true feelings – we see that it can have a damaging impact on our lives, our work, and our relationships. When we worry, we’re simply preparing to be upset or angry – assuming something won’t work out in the future.

Worry not only creates stress, it has an impact (usually negative) on what we create and manifest, and on our experience of life in general. Worry is a superficial emotion. It’s clearly something that many of us are all familiar with, can share with others in a way that will garner sympathy, empathy, or even pity, and is easy for us to go through daily life experiencing. However, underneath our worry are usually deeper emotions like shame, fear, guilt, hurt, or anger; many of which are more difficult for us to feel and express.

If we’re able to tell the truth and face our deeper feelings, we won’t have to waste our time and energy worrying.  We can then deal with the root of the issue, not the superficial impact of it (which is what worry usually is).

There’s nothing wrong with feeling scared, angry, hurt, and even “worried,” in and of itself. These emotions, like love, gratitude, excitement, joy, and others are very important to our human experience. Emotions that are felt deeply and expressed appropriately give us power (regardless of what they are). Emotions that are not felt deeply, that are denied or avoided, and are not effectively expressed, can be damaging to us and those around us.

Worry is always a sign that there are some deeper feelings or issues for us to address. It’s often a good reminder for us to get more real, take better care of ourselves, and pay attention.

Below is a list of some things you can do when you get worried.  These simple ideas can help you move through your worry in a positive way:

  • When you notice yourself worrying; stop, check in with yourself, and take a few slow deep breaths (all the way down to your belly)
  • Ask yourself, what’s underneath my worry? (i.e. why am I really worried and what am I really feeling?)
  • Face, feel, and express these underlying emotions – get support from others in this process if you need it.
  • Once you have felt and expressed these emotions, choose how you want to feel and what you want to create, instead of playing the role of the victim.
  • Appreciate yourself for the courage it takes to be honest and to deal with the challenging situations or emotions you’re experiencing.
  • Focus on the good stuff in your life (i.e. be grateful for what you have, who you are, and what you’re going through)
  • Be of service to others – generously put your attention on those around you who can benefit from your help.  It will be a great gift to them and to you. Service can allow you to shift your attention from your worry to what you have to give, which is a true win-win for everyone involved.

What can you do today to let go of anything you’re currently worrying about?  How can you let go of worry in an on-going way in your life?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

It’s Okay to Ask for Help

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How do you feel about asking other people for help?

I’ve noticed that many of us, myself included, get a little funny about requesting support.  While we’re all different and we each have our own unique perspective, reaction, and process as it relates to reaching out to others, it seems that this can be quite a tricky exercise for most of the people I know and work with.

I have somewhat of a bi-polar relationship to asking for help myself.  I can definitely be a “lone ranger” at times and often, especially when I feel stressed or pressured, try to do everything myself – either because I feel insecure about asking for support or because I self righteously think that I’m the only one who can do it the “right” way.  On the other hand, I can sometimes be quite pushy, forceful, and presumptuous with my requests (aka demands) of support (or so I’ve been told).  Ah, to be human!

However, as I’ve also experienced personally and seen in others many times throughout my life and in my work, there is a beautiful place of balance between going it all alone and demanding help from others in an obnoxious way.  This all stems from our ability to genuinely ask for and graciously receive the support of other people.  The irony of this whole phenomenon is that most of us love to help others, while many of us have a hard time asking others for help ourselves.

Requesting support can often make us feel vulnerable.  We usually think (somewhat erroneously) that we should be able to do everything ourselves or that by admitting we need help, we are somehow being weak.  In addition, many of us are sensitive about being told “no” and by asking others to help us we put ourselves out there and risk being rejected.

What if we had more freedom to ask for what we wanted and for specific support from other people? What if we could make requests in a confident, humble, and empowering way? What if we remembered that we are worthy of other people’s help and that our ability to both ask for and receive it not only supports us, but also gives them an opportunity to contribute (which most people really want to do).

It still might be a little scary, we may get our feelings hurt from time to time, and on occasion people may have some opinions or reactions to what we ask for or how we do so. But, when we give ourselves permission and remind ourselves that it’s not only okay, but essential for us to ask for help – we can create a true sense of support and empowerment in our lives and in our relationships!

Here are a few things we can do to have more freedom and confidence when asking for help.

1) Make Genuine Requests, without Attachment. A “genuine” request can be accepted or declined, without any consequence.  In other words, if we get really upset when someone says “no” to us, not only were we attached to the outcome, it probably wasn’t a real request to begin with (it was a demand).  When we ask for what we want, without being attached to the response, we have more freedom to ask and ultimately our chances of getting what we want are greatly increased.

2) Be Easy To Support.   There are some specific things we can do to make it easier to support us.  Such as:

  • Be open to the coaching and feedback of others.
  • Thank people for their support.
  • Let people do things to support us in their own unique way instead of micro-managing them (this one is often tough for me).
  • Allow people’s support when it is offered.

3) Give Your Support to Others Generously. When we put our attention on supporting other people, the universe has a way of returning the favor.  It may or may not always come back to us from the people we help specifically, and that’s okay.  We want to do our best not to “keep score,” as many of us often do, but instead to look for opportunities to genuinely help those around us.  When we do this, we remind ourselves of the power of support and we experience it as the true “win-win” it is.

How can you start asking for and allowing the support of others?  Where in your life do you really want support from other people right now? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

The Power of Getting Real

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A few weeks ago my wife Michelle and I found out, surprisingly, that we were expecting our third child. Since this wasn’t something we’d planned, we were shocked, excited and a bit freaked out, all at the same time. We began telling lots of people about this big news and starting to imagine our life with another baby – which was both thrilling and overwhelming for us to contemplate.

Within just a few days of learning about the pregnancy, however, we had a miscarriage – something we’d never been through and weren’t quite prepared for. The range of emotions we experienced during that week, and in the weeks that followed, has been quite intense.

As jarring, painful, and somewhat surreal as it has been, Michelle and I both feel a deep sense of peace and gratitude – choosing to believe that this happened for a reason and doing our best to use this experience to deepen our own awareness and healing in life. While it has been difficult, it has also been a very rich time of growth and connection for us on many levels.

One of the most complicated aspects of this experience has been sharing it with others – which we have been somewhat forced to do given that we told a lot of people about the pregnancy. Many people don’t talk about their pregnancies until the second trimester, since the majority of miscarriages take place in those first three months. I understand, even more so now, why people keep this private – as talking about a miscarriage can be quite emotional and uncomfortable for everyone involved.

However, even though this has been an intense process for us and many of the people we’ve talked to about it (especially those who have gone through this personally), Michelle and I have been so grateful for the amazing love and support we’ve received. We’ve also been blown away by how many other people have experienced a miscarriage – some we knew about, but many we didn’t.

Even in the midst of this personal and emotional experience, I’ve also been fascinated by human phenomenon of authenticity at play. There is such power, freedom, and liberation available for us when we get real. And while I do believe that it’s important for each of us to make conscious choices about what we share and with whom, far too often I think we choose not to share certain thoughts, feelings, or experiences because we deem them to be “inappropriate” or “too much” for people to handle.

Sadly, in this process of withholding our true experiences and feelings, we miss out on opportunities to connect with people in an authentic way, get support, share love, wisdom, and empathy, and connect in a real way with everyone around us.

Carl Jung said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” And, Mother Teresa said, “Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.” Then she said, “Be honest and transparent anyway.”

How We Can Get Real in a Vulnerable Way

One of the best ways to access a deeper sense of authenticity, vulnerability, and transparency is through a powerful exercise called “If you really knew me.” This exercise, which has had a profound impact on my own life and is something I’ve facilitated in various forms with many of the groups and individuals I’ve spoken to or coached over the years, gives people an opportunity to get real and vulnerable.

The exercise was taught to me by my friends and mentors, Rich and Yvonne Dutra-St. John, founders of an incredible organization called Challenge Day, which delivers life-altering, experiential, personal development workshops for teens, schools, and people of all ages. Challenge Day’s high school program is featured in the new MTV reality series which is actually called If You Really Knew Me.

How the exercise works is that each person in the group – usually a smallish group of anywhere from four to eight people (although it can be done one on one or with a larger group) – gets a minute or two of undivided attention from everyone else in the group and repeats this sentence, “If you really knew me, you’d know…” and then completes the sentence by sharing things that are real, vulnerable, and below the surface about themselves (thoughts, feelings, dreams, insecurities, opinions, experiences, passions, challenges, etc.).

There’s no pressure or expectation on each person to share anything they don’t want to share – just a challenge to step outside of their comfort zone, choose to trust the people in the group, and be more open, real, and vulnerable than they may normally be with others.

Whenever I either participate in or facilitate this exercise (as I just did earlier this week during a program I delivered), I’m always amazed by its power. People laugh, cry, get real, let go of things they’ve been holding onto, and truly connect with each other – heart to heart and in an authentic way.

What I always get from this exercise myself and hear people say in different ways is that even though we’re all unique, we’re way more alike than we are different. When we have the courage to get real with each other and speak our truth, it’s one of the most meaningful, rewarding, and connecting experiences we can have with other human beings.

Michelle and I have experienced the power and importance of getting real in these past few weeks. Even though we weren’t prepared for this, didn’t see it coming, and weren’t planning to share it with lots of people – it has been life-altering in so many ways and has taken a difficult, painful, and somewhat unexplainable situation, and turned it into something that is allowing us to grow, deepen, and experience more joy and gratitude in our lives.

When we get real (first with ourselves and then with others), even if it’s scary, uncomfortable, awkward, or intense, it has the potential to liberate us, impact those around us, and bring us all together in a beautiful and genuine way. We don’t have to go through whatever we’re going through in life alone – there is more love, support, and care around each of us than we usually realize and when we’re willing to be real about our experience, let people know what’s truly going on for us, and ask for help when we need it – it’s remarkable what happens!

What are you holding onto that you’re ready to reveal and release?  If people really knew you, what would they know about you?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

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