Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

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We’re All Doing the Best We Can

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I truly believe that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever our current situations and resources may be.

However, many of us can be extremely critical of ourselves and others. And even though I’ve been teaching and practicing the power of appreciation for more than two decades, when I find myself feeling scared, threatened, or insecure (which happens more often than I’d like it to), I notice that I can be quite critical (of myself and other people).

Sadly, as I’ve learned throughout my life, being judgmental doesn’t help, feel good, or lead me to what I truly want in my relationships, work, and life.

Doing the Best We Can

I heard the late, great Louise Hay (bestselling author and founder of Hay House, the publisher of my three most recent books), say a number of years ago, “It’s important to remember that people are always doing the best they can, including you.”

The power of this statement continues to have an impact on me to this day.  And, although I sometimes forget, when I do remember that we’re all doing the best we can given whatever tools we have and the circumstances we’re experiencing, it usually calms me down and creates a sense of empathy and compassion for the people I’m dealing with and for myself.

When we take a step back and remember that most of the time people aren’t out to get us, we can save ourselves from unnecessary overreactions and stress.  And extending this understanding and kindness towards ourselves can significantly improve our lives and relationships.

As the Dalai Lama so reminds us, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

How to Practice Compassion

Here are some things you can do to practice compassion.

1. Give people the benefit of the doubt 

Most of the time people have good intentions.  Many of us, myself included, have been trained to be cautious and suspicious of others, even seeing this as an important and effective skill in life and business.  However, we almost always get what we expect from people, so the more often we give people the benefit of the doubt, the more often they’ll prove us right, and the less often we will waste our precious time and energy on cynicism, suspicion, and judgment.

2. Don’t take things personally

I love the great saying, “You wouldn’t worry about what other people think about you so much, if you realized how little they actually did.”  The truth is that most people are focused on themselves much more than on us.  Too often we take things personally that have nothing to do with us.  This doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us or treat us in disrespectful ways (it can be important for us to speak up and have healthy boundaries).  However, when we stop taking things so personally, we liberate ourselves from needless upset, defensiveness, and conflict.

3. Look for the good

We almost always find what we look for.  If you want to find some things about me that you don’t like, consider obnoxious, or get on your nerves – just look for them, I’m sure you’ll come up with some.  On the flip side, if you want to find some of my best qualities and things you appreciate about me, just look for those – they are there too.  As Werner Erhard said, “In every human being there is both garbage and gold, it’s up to us to choose what we pay attention to.” Looking for the good in others (as well as in life and in ourselves), is one of the best ways to find things to appreciate and be grateful for.

4. Seek first to understand 

Often when we’re frustrated, annoyed, or in conflict with another person (or group of people), we don’t feel seen, heard, or understood.  As challenging and painful as this can be, one of the best things we can do is to shift our attention from trying to get other people to understand us (or being irritated that it seems like they don’t), to seeking to understand the other person (or people) involved in an authentic way.

Understanding others can be difficult, especially when the situation or conflict is very personal and emotional. However, seeking to understand is one of the best ways for us to liberate ourselves from the grip of criticism and judgment, and often helps shift the overall dynamic. Being curious and empathic of another person and their perspective doesn’t mean we agree with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they’re coming from – which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them, and ultimately resolving the conflict.

5. Be gentle with others (and especially with yourself)

Being gentle is the opposite of being critical. When we’re gentle, we’re compassionate, kind, and loving. We may not like, agree with, or totally understand what someone has done (or why), but we can be gentle in how we respond and engage with them. This is about having a true sense of empathy and perspective. And, the most important place for us to bring a sense of gentleness is to ourselves. Many of us have a tendency to be hyper self-critical. Sadly, some of the harshest criticism we dole out in life is aimed right at us. Another great saying I love is, “We don’t see people as they are, we see them as we are.” As we alter how we relate to ourselves, our relationship to everyone else and to the world shifts in a fundamental way.

Everyone around us – our friends, co-workers, significant other, family members, children, clients, and even people we don’t know or care for – are doing the best they can, given the resources they have. When we remember this and come from a truly compassionate perspective (with others and with ourselves), we’re able to tap into a deeper level of peace, appreciation, and fulfillment.

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Appearance vs. Substance

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What does the saying, “Appearance versus substance,” mean to you?

Here’s a statement I’ve heard many times…

“It’s better to look good than feel good.”

I understand this sentiment and have felt it myself. However, as I think about this and the implications for our lives and our culture, I’m deeply disturbed by this notice. It really isn’t better to look good than to feel good, but many of us live as if this is true, especially in today’s world.

The problem with the saying, “It’s better to look good than feel good,” is that it prioritizes outward appearance over inner wellbeing. While it’s important to take care of our appearance to some extent, focusing solely on looking good can lead us to neglect our physical and mental health. It can also lead to unhealthy behaviors like extreme dieting, excessive exercise, or even substance abuse, all of which can be detrimental and even deadly.

Ultimately, this saying promotes a superficial mindset that places undue emphasis on external appearances at the expense of genuine wellness.

Appearance vs. Substance

For me personally, concerns about my own appearance – both my physical appearance and other people’s perceptions of me – have caused me a great deal of pain, suffering, and stress throughout my life. More often than I would like to admit, and even to this day, I waste a good amount of energy worrying about how I look physically, wondering what others think about me, and spending time and even money in an effort to appear as positively as I can on lots of superficial levels.

From listening to many people, paying attention to the messages in the media, and noticing the state of our culture, I know I’m not alone in this.

Why do we do this?

Fundamentally it comes down to an issue of appearance vs. substance. Many of us would rather have a nice house, a nice car, a great body, a lot of money, and all the outward material signs of happiness, wealth, and success…rather than actually being truly happy and fulfilled, feeling a sense of abundance and gratitude, and genuinely creating success and peace in our lives. We don’t do this in a malicious way or to intentionally sabotage ourselves, I think we do much of this unconsciously and get caught up in a variety of social pressures and expectations.

The Importance of Going Deeper

The challenge we face is that we must all dive deeper, being honest about our identities, emotions, and intentions. We must then adjust our thoughts, beliefs, and actions accordingly. By prioritizing our genuine desires—such as self-acceptance, fulfillment, and inner peace—the rest often falls into place. Even if it doesn’t, redirecting our focus toward authenticity remains essential, regardless of external outcomes.

In other words, if we first stop and appreciate how great we already are and how wonderful our life already is…and, we focus on the true SUBSTANCE of who we are and what we want to create (not just the superficial APPEARANCE of those things), we can experience a grounded sense of trust and gratitude for ourselves and our lives, as they actually are right now.

In doing so, we will be able to take our energy and attention back from those things that do not matter (like how we look, what others think about us, our material obsessions, etc.) and put them on the things that are more important (like loving ourselves, loving others, being grateful, giving, and more).

Diving deeper into who we are reveals our true essence. By aligning our thoughts, beliefs, and actions with who we are, we create genuine wellbeing, deeper connections, and ultimately more fulfilling lives.

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Why Do We Struggle to Apologize Authentically?
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Why Do We Struggle to Apologize Authentically?

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When you apologize, do you apologize authentically?

Apologizing can be a tricky thing.  As essential and important as I know apologizing is to creating peace, reconciliation, trust, and connection in my relationships, sometimes I don’t want to do it or I do so in a completely inauthentic and manipulative way.

Recently, this has been in my face even more than normal.  I’ve noticed my tendency at times to over apologize, to do so with ulterior motives, or, even worse, I find myself apologizing for who I am in a way that is disrespectful and unkind to myself.  None of these really serve me or my relationships, nor are they very authentic apologies.

Why is it Difficult to Apologize Authentically?

An authentic apology can be challenging because of our ego, fear of vulnerability, or even lack of empathy. Taking ownership requires humility and introspection, which can be uncomfortable. An authentic apology also demands emotional intelligence and genuine remorse, which can be a bit of a bruise to our ego or pride. It can also cause a shame response.

For many of us, apologizing can seem scary and even weak. We worry that if we apologize somehow we’ll be admitting we’re wrong (and therefore the other person is right), that it might be used against us in some negative way, or that we’re giving up our power by apologizing.

All of these things make sense – based on our ego-based culture and our obsession with blaming others.  While understandable and normal, our inability or unwillingness to apologize authentically causes a great deal of pain and conflict in our relationships.

Shame vs. Remorse

The main reason that we aren’t often all that comfortable with authentic apologies is that we operate from a paradigm of shame instead of remorse.  Shame, which is a very powerful and oftentimes debilitating emotion (mostly because we don’t like to admit it, own it, or feel it), is based on the notion that we are fundamentally flawed.  When we view ourselves, others, and life through a lens of shame, it invariably becomes a matter of assigning blame and fault. Consequently, we strive to shield ourselves from criticism while seeking opportunities to assign blame elsewhere, avoiding accountability in the process. Does this pattern sound familiar?

Remorse, on the other hand, is about us realizing that we’ve done or said something we wish we hadn’t.  This is not about beating ourselves up, making ourselves wrong, or even blaming ourselves…it’s about taking responsibility in an adult way.  When we have a sense of remorse, we can make amends with people genuinely, own our impact on others, and apologize without shame or guilt.

No matter how mindful or purposeful we are, we’re bound to act and speak in ways we later regret, occasionally causing hurt or offense to those around us. These moments offer valuable chances for personal growth, as well as deeper self-awareness and empathy. An authentic apology plays a crucial role in resolving conflicts and strengthening bonds, which in turn fosters authentic relationships.

How to Expand Your Capacity to Apologize Authentically

Here are a few things to think about and do to expand your capacity for authentic apologies:

Tell the truth about how you relate to apologizing.

Ask yourself how you feel about apologizing and assess how authentic you are when apologizing to people.  Do you over apologize?  Do you refuse to apologize?  Do you do it just so people won’t be angry with you?

What is your relationship to apologizing and how free and genuine are you about it?  Answering these questions honestly will give you important insights into this.

Look at your life and relationships and see where you can apologize. 

Reflect on your life and relationships, particularly where conflict exists. Identify areas where you’ve hesitated to take ownership or offer genuine apologies. Are you open to doing so, not just for the sake of the relationship, but also for your inner tranquility?

As you think about doing this, ask yourself how you can apologize in a genuine  way (not simply to get what you want).

Alter your relationship to apologizing.

As you honestly assess your approach to apologizing and identify areas in your life and relationships where apologies are lacking, consider how you can reframe your perspective to feel empowered and motivated, rather than avoidant or manipulative. Shifting your mindset towards apologies can offer greater freedom, comfort, and ease in your interactions.

This is something that may seem somewhat simple or not all that important on the surface, but it is fundamental to our fulfillment in life and is quite big as we take a deeper look at it.  The more conscious and aware we are about apologizing, the more growth and transformation can take place in our relationships.

Be kind to yourself – this is not something that comes easy to most of us.  But, when we’re willing to really take this on and alter our relationship to apologizing, our relationships and our lives can transform in a profound and positive way.

How do you feel about apologizing?  Who do you need to apologize to?  How can you apologize in a more authentic way?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

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Why Do We Judge Others?

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How often do you judge others?

Most of us can be quite judgmental, whether or not we admit it. I’ve been aware of my own judgmental tendency for much of my life. While it does seem to ebb and flow based on my own level of confidence, inner peace, and fulfillment, I’ve noticed that it can be both pervasive and problematic for me in many areas of my life.

There can actually be some gifts and growth wrapped up in our judgments, if we’re willing to do the internal work necessary, take responsibility, and own our projections. Being judgmental can cause a great deal of pain, stress, and conflict in our lives and relationships, but if we’re conscious about it, we can actually use our judgments as access to deeper connections with others and personal transformation within ourselves.

It’s crucial to distinguish between making value judgments and being judgmental. Value judgments reflect our discernment based on our values and priorities. We constantly make value judgments in our daily lives, deciding what to eat, where to go, who to engage with, and how to spend our time. Embracing change and diversity while making value judgments is vital for our well-being, personal growth, empowerment, and overall vitality.

Being judgmental, on the other hand, has to do with us thinking that our opinions and values are “right” and judging others as “bad” or “wrong.” This may sound like semantics, but it’s not – it is a whole different paradigm. Being judgmental has to do with us arrogantly thinking that we’re better than others. The question is not whether judging people is good or bad, the deeper issue is that when we judge others we hurt them and ourselves in the process.

Why Do We Judge Others?

We judge others as a natural cognitive process, influenced by social norms, personal experiences, and psychological biases. It often stems from a need to assess threats, establish social hierarchies, or reinforce our own beliefs and values. Judgment can serve as a shortcut for understanding and navigating complex social environments.

Here are some of the common and specific reasons that often lead us down the path of judgmentalness.

Competitiveness

We compete with others and want to win (or at least not let them win). When we don’t win (or we feel inferior or envious), we tend to judge them, make them wrong, or try to find fault in them. In other words, we try to bring them down to our level so we can feel better about ourselves.

Projection

We project our “stuff” onto other people. As the late, great author Debbie Ford said, “Whatever you can’t own, owns you.” In other words, we have a hard time with aspects and qualities in other people that we have not accepted within ourselves. For example, if we have not accepted our own arrogance, we will notice lots of arrogant people around us and have a very hard time with them (and with the quality of arrogance in general).

Life is a mirror

Similar to projection, everything we see, experience, and notice about other people (and life) is a mirror back to us – the light and the dark. We erroneously think it’s about “them” and miss the gift of awareness it is for us. We will always bump up against stuff in others and in life that we need to deal with in ourselves – but it’s often much easier to judge than it is to deal.

Judging People Can Be a Gift

Judging people can be a gift when it prompts self-reflection and growth. Constructive judgment can highlight areas for improvement, inspire empathy, and foster deeper understanding of ourselves and others. It serves as a tool for personal development and building healthier relationships, ultimately leading to greater self-awareness and fulfillment.

Here are some of the gifts that can come from our judgments of others…

Self Awareness

Our judgments offer valuable insights, revealing areas in ourselves where we can nurture love, acceptance, and reconciliation. They illuminate opportunities for personal growth, expansion, and release, paving the way for forgiveness and authentic confidence.

Expanded Compassion

When we’re being judgmental, it can remind us about the importance of compassion – for ourselves and others. The things we judge in others (which are always things we judge in ourselves consciously or unconsciously) are simply things we don’t have much compassion for. We can use our judgments as opportunities to expand our capacity for compassion, one of the most powerful emotions we can express and experience in life.

Intimacy

Dealing with our judgments in a vulnerable, honest, and responsible way can actually bring us closer to the people in our lives and create deeper intimacy.

When we confront our judgments and other aspects of our shadow, we free ourselves from barriers to intimacy, vulnerability, and closeness with others. This demands courage and dedication, yet engaging authentically at this level can profoundly transform our relationships for the better.

There’s nothing wrong with us for being judgmental, it’s a normal aspect of being human. And, while judgments can and do cause a great deal of difficulty and pain in our lives and relationships, especially if we stay unconscious about them, as we wake up and take responsibility for them, we can use our own judgmental tendency to actually create the kind of life and the kinds of relationships we truly want. There are deep gifts in our judgments, if we’re willing to do the work necessary and confront them and ourselves with ruthless compassion and vulnerable truth.

Whom do you judge? What’s underneath your judgment? What are some of the gifts of this? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.

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How to Stop Worrying

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Has anyone ever told you to stop worrying?  I don’t know about you, but this feedback, while understandable and often accurate, often irritates me and doesn’t usually inspire me to stop worrying.

Whether you’re a business owner, a leader of a team, an employee rushing for a deadline, a parent taking care of kids, or just a human being living in today’s world – worrying is something just about all of us do.

Some of the things I find myself worrying about are…money, making mistakes, the future, how things will turn out, what people think about me, the well-being of my loved ones, the state of our country and our world, and much more.

If you actually take the time to sit and think about it, most of the things that we worry about never actually happen.

Worrying can affect our mental health, lead to persistent anxiety and chronic stress, impair our decision making and negatively impact our relationships. Constant worrying also fosters a negative mindset.

To stop worrying, we have to let it go, forgive ourselves for it, and choose different ways of facing our fears.

Stop Worrying – It’s a Set Up for Failure

No matter how much we worry, it never really works. And the deeper we look at what worrying really is, the more we realize that it is a setup for failure.

When we worry, we are actually preparing ourselves to be upset, because we’re assuming something will not work out in the future. When we do this, our worrying not only creates stress, it can literally contribute to additional negativity and unfavorable outcomes.

While worrying is quite normal and common, there are usually deeper emotions underneath our worry like shame, fear, guilt, hurt, or anger, many of which are much more difficult for us to feel and express.

And if we don’t know how to feel and express these emotions in a healthy way, it can set us up for real difficulty and failure. By feeling these authentically, we can deal with the root of the issue, not the superficial impact of it (which is what worry usually is).

There is nothing wrong with feeling scared, angry, hurt, and even “worried,” in and of itself. These emotions, like love, gratitude, excitement, joy, and others are very important to our human experience. Emotions that are felt deeply and expressed appropriately are positive and give us power (regardless of what they are).

How to Stop Worrying

Worry is always a sign that there are some deeper feelings and issues for us to address. It is a good reminder for us to get more real, take better care of ourselves, and pay attention. The best things for us to do when we get worried are:

1) Ask ourselves what is underneath our worry 

Ask yourself why you’re really worried. Understanding the root cause of your worry is crucial for effective problem-solving and emotional well-being. By asking yourself why you’re worried, you gain insight into underlying issues, enabling you to address them directly and work towards constructive solutions.

2) Face, feel, and express these underlying emotions 

Facing, feeling, and expressing underlying emotions is vital for emotional health. It promotes resilience and aliveness, and can also facilitate healing.

You can get support from others in this process if you need it…you don’t have to do this alone.

3) Choose how you want to feel

Once you have felt and expressed these underlying emotions, you can then actually choose how you want to feel and what you want to create. Choosing how you want to feel is empowering and it fosters a positive mindset

4) Appreciate yourself 

It is so important – and healthy – for us to have the courage to be honest and to deal with our emotions. This, however, is no easy task. Show yourself grace and appreciation for taking on such a challenging endeavor.

5) Focus on the good stuff in your life

Be grateful for what you have, who you are, and what you are going through. Remember: every challenge in life is an opportunity for personal growth and development. Challenges teach us how to overcome obstacles and build our resilience.

If we can bring this level of awareness and consciousness to our worries and to our lives in general, we can create real freedom and power for ourselves.

We don’t have to stay stuck in the trap of constant worry…we can be free.

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