Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

motiviation

The Trap of Comparison with Others

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How often do you compare yourself to others? If you’re anything like me and most of the people I know and work with, you probably compare yourself to others more than you’d like to admit. 

And, as you may have noticed (like I have), this comparison process never seems to feel good or work well.

I got an email a while back from a woman who suggested that I check out the website of another author/speaker. She said he reminded her of me and thought we should know each other. 

I looked at his website and was very impressed. However, my Gremlin (that negative, critical voice in my head) started telling me how much better this guy was than me. “Look at him – he’s a stud: funny, good-looking, and super tech-savvy. His site is way cooler than yours, his approach is more hip, and he has this whole thing figured out much better than you do.”

After looking at his website and listening to my Gremlin, I felt jealous, inferior, and self-conscious.  

Can you relate to this?

Sadly, many of us waste lots of time and energy comparing ourselves to others. Often we feel inferior to people based on our own self-judgment and/or our perception that they are better than we are.

The trap of comparison is that we’re stuck in a negative loop if we feel less than someone else or even better than another person. It’s actually the opposite side of the same coin in either case.

All of this is an insatiable ego game that ultimately sets us up to lose. Comparison to others leads to jealousy, anxiety, judgment, criticism, separation, loneliness, etc.

It’s normal for us to compare ourselves to others – especially given how most of our parents raised us, the competitive culture in which we live, and the way we engage with the world today through social media. 

However, this comparison game can have severe consequences on our self-esteem, relationships, work, and overall life experience.

The irony is that almost everyone feels this way. We often erroneously think that if we just made more money, lost some weight, got a better job, moved into a nicer place, had more outward “success,” found the “perfect” partner, or whatever – then these insecure and unhealthy feelings of inferior/superior comparison would go away. Not true.

We can transform our comparison process into an experience of growth, connection, self-acceptance, and self-love – and ultimately let it go – by dealing with it directly and going to the source – us and how we relate to ourselves.

How to Stop Focusing on Comparison With Others

Here are some things you can do to unhook yourself from comparison with others.

1. Have empathy and compassion for yourself.  

When we notice we’re comparing ourselves to other people and feeling either inferior or superior, it’s essential to have a deep sense of compassion and empathy for ourselves. 

Comparison almost always comes from a place of insecurity and fear, not of deficiency or mal-intent. Judging ourselves as less than someone else or judging ourselves for going into comparison mode in the first place (which many of us do once we become aware of our tendency to do this) doesn’t help. This judgment causes more harm and keeps us stuck in the negative pattern.

2. Use comparison as an opportunity to accept, appreciate, and love yourself. 

When comparison shows up, there is usually a lack of acceptance, appreciation, and love for ourselves. 

Instead of feeling bad about what we think is wrong with us or critical of ourselves for being judgmental in the first place, what if we took this as a cue to take care of and nurture ourselves in an authentic way.

3. Be willing to admit your jealousy. 

One of the best ways to release something is to admit and own it. While this can be a little scary and vulnerable to do, when we have the courage to admit our jealousy, we can own it in a liberating way to both other people and us. Acknowledging that we feel jealous of another person’s success, talent, accomplishment, or quality is a great way to let go of it and remove the barrier we may feel with that person or experience.

If you find yourself jealous of someone you don’t know (like a celebrity or just someone you haven’t met personally), you can acknowledge these feelings to someone close to you or even in a meditation with an image of that actual person.

4. Acknowledge the people you compare yourself to.  

Another great way to break through the negative impact of comparison to others is to reach out to them with some genuine appreciation. 

After a few minutes of feeling bad about myself, I reached out to the guy whose website I looked at, acknowledged him for his excellent work, and asked if we could connect. It felt good and liberating to do that. 

The more excited we’re willing to get for other people’s success, talents, and experiences – the more likely we are to manifest positive feelings and outcomes in our lives. There is not a finite amount of success or fulfillment – and when we acknowledge people we compare ourselves to, we remind ourselves that there is more than enough to go around and that we’re capable of experiencing and manifesting wonderful things in our own lives too.

 

How often do you compare yourself to others? How does this impact your life, relationships, and sense of yourself? What can you do to let go of this habit and be more loving, accepting, and appreciative of yourself? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more in the comments below.

 

Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.

 

Liked this article? Here are three more!

 

It’s Okay for Things to Be Easy

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A friend of mine called me out on something important last week.  He said, “Mike, this ‘story’ you have about things being ‘hard’ for you isn’t really true.  It seems to me that things come pretty easy, you just make them hard by saying they are.  What if you started saying and owning that certain things come easy to you?”

As I heard him say this, I had a mixture of emotions and reactions.  First of all, I felt grateful (I love having people in my life who are willing to call me out, even if my ego gets a little bent out of shape in the process).  Second of all, I felt defensive and noticed that I wanted to justify myself against his challenge.  Third of all, I felt a sense of fear and resistance to the idea of things coming “easy” to me.

As I’ve thought about it more over this past week ,I realize that this resistance to having things be easy runs deep within me (as it does for so many people I know and work with).   Here are some of the main “reasons” I’ve used and beliefs I’ve held for many years to resist the notion of things being easy for me:

– Easy means lazy

– If things come easy to me, other people will get jealous, won’t like me, and/or won’t respect me

– It doesn’t really “count” or mean much if it comes easy

– It’s not fair for things to come easy to me – especially with so many people having such a hard time these days

– I actually get off on struggling and suffering – I’m quite familiar with it and I’ve used it as motivation to change and “succeed” for much of my life

– My ability to work hard, overcome adversity, and rise above challenges are all things my ego uses to feel superior to others

– If I admit that something is easy for me, it will seem arrogant and then people will root for me to fail

Can you relate to any of these?

Getting in touch with some of these reasons and beliefs has been both painful and liberating at the same time.  As I think, talk, and write about them – I realize how ridiculous some of them are and how much of my life’s energy I’ve been giving to them in the process.

It’s almost like I’m walking around worried that someone’s going to say me, “Mike, you have it so easy,” and I’m preparing my defensive responses, “Oh yeah, well let me tell you how hard I work, how challenging things are for me, and how much stuff I’ve had to overcome along the way.”  What’s up with this?  It’s like I’m preparing for a fight that doesn’t even exist.  Do you ever do that?

While working hard, overcoming challenges and adversity, and being passionately committed to important and complex things in our lives aren’t inherently bad – resisting ease and being attached to struggle causes me and so many of us a great deal of stress, worry, and pain.  And, in many cases this difficulty is totally self-induced and unnecessary.

What if we allowed things to be easier?  What if we started to speak about and own the aspects of our lives that are actually easy to us and stated to expect things to get even easier?  Easy doesn’t mean lazy, that we aren’t willing to work in a passionate way, or that we expect a “free ride” – it means that we’re willing to have things work out, trust that all is well, and allow life to flow in a positive and elegant way for us.

Our desire and ability to embrace ease in our life isn’t selfish, arrogant, or unrealistic – it’s profoundly optimistic (in an authentic way) and can actually enhance our ability to impact others.  The more energy and attention we place on surviving, getting by, or even “striving” for success – the less available we are to give, serve, and make a difference for other people.  Although it may seem counter-intuitive to us, having things be easy is one of the best ways we can show up for those around us – both by our example and with our freed up positive energy.

As Richard Bach famously stated, “Argue for your limitations and they’re yours.” What if we stopped arguing on behalf of how “hard” things are, and started to allow our life to be filled with peace and ease? While the idea of things being easy may not be, ironically, the easiest thing for you to embrace – I challenge you (as I challenge myself) to take this on in your life and become more comfortable with it…maybe it could actually be easier than you think!

How do you feel about things being easy?  How can you make things easier in your life and work in a conscious and positive way?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

The Importance of Unplugging

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What percentage of your waking hours are you “plugged in” (i.e. checking things on the internet, doing email, texting, playing with your wireless device, watching TV, posting to Facebook or Twitter, and more)?  If you’re anything like me and most of the people I know and work with, probably more than you’d like to admit.

Recently I began to confront my own obsession (borderline addiction) to being plugged in.  For many years I’ve justified my somewhat obsessive nature about email and internet use by the fact that I run my own business and have to stay connected in order to make sure I’m taking care of my clients, generating new business, and not missing out on important opportunities.

However “true” this may seem, in the past few years (especially with the addition of social networking, texting, and other forms of “instant” communication and information sharing), it has become clear to me that my desire to stay connected has gotten a bit out of control and has had a negative impact on my life, my well being, and my relationships.

From entrepreneurs to sales people to managers to stay-at-home moms – just about everyone I know and work with seems to have some form of electronic obsession impacting their lives in a negative way.

About a month ago, I woke up on a Sunday morning and said to my wife Michelle, “I’m going to have a media free day today – no email, iPhone, internet, TV, or anything else.  Today, I’m going to be totally unplugged.”  She looked at me with a bit of amazement and disbelief – I think both because I was actually saying this and because she wasn’t convinced I could do it.

I had my own doubts and a few weak moments early in the day where I almost fell off the wagon and checked my phone.  However, I was able to do it and by the end of that day, I felt great. I was able to relax and be present in a way that felt grounded and peaceful. The past four Sundays I’ve been “unplugged” and I’m loving it.

What if we unplugged more often?  What if we gave ourselves permission to disconnect from technology and the “important” world of uber-communication?  While for some of us this is easier than others, most of us could benefit from a little more unplugging and a little less emailing/texting/web or channel surfing in our lives.

What’s funny to me is how hypocritical we often are about it.  When our spouse, co-worker, or friend is busy on their phone, checking email, or being “obnoxiously” plugged in, we often get annoyed.  However, when we’re the one doing it, it’s almost always “necessary.”

Here are a few things you can do to start unplugging yourself in a healthy way.

– Take inventory of the negative impact of technology in your life.  How much stress, frustration, and difficulty does being constantly “plugged in” cause for you?  Think about this on a physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual level. Admittedly, this is a bigger issue for some of us than others.  However, the more honest you can be with yourself about it – both the impact it has on you and any underlying fears that may be associated with it, the more able you’ll be to alter your habits.

– Challenge yourself to take conscious breaks.  See if you can schedule a full day to be “unplugged.”  If that seems to scary at first, try a morning or a few hours.  And, if doing a full day seems easy – try a full weekend, a work day, or something else that will be a stretch.  I’m working up to doing a full weekend myself and entertaining the idea of week day (although that seems scarier to me at the moment).  Push yourself, but go easy on yourself at the same time – baby steps are important and perfectly acceptable with this.

– Unplug together.  See if you can get other people in your house, your family, or those you work with to unplug with you.  Doing this with the support of other people can be fun and make it easier.  It will also create accountability for you and those around you.

Our issues and challenges with technology and our obsession with being connected and online 24/7 don’t seem to be going away or getting better culturally.  In fact, if we just take a look at our own lives and habits in the past few years – for most of us, things are getting worse.  It is up to us to interrupt this pattern and to disengage from our electronic obsession in a conscious way.

While unplugging may not always easy or encouraged in the environments we find ourselves in, it’s crucial to our success and well being in life.  When we’re able to disconnect ourselves, we can regain some of the passion, energy, creativity, and perspective that often gets diminshed or lost when we allow ourselves to get sucked into our phones, computers, TVs and other devices.

How often do you unplug consciously?  What can you do to have more unplugged time in your life?  What do you think diconnecting would provide for you and those around you?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.