Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

empower

Why is This Happening FOR Me?

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Do you ever ask yourself the question, “Why is this happening to me?”  Most of us do, especially when things aren’t going the way we want them to or we’re dealing with something that’s difficult or painful.

Why is This Happening FOR Me?

A number of years ago when I was going through a really hard time my friend Brian said, “If you change the word ‘to’ to the word ‘for’ in that question, it can change your life.”  

When Brian said this, it really resonated with me. I never forgot it.

So, instead of asking ourselves, “Why is this happening TO me?” we can instead ask, “Why is this happening FOR me?”  

There’s a world of difference in these two questions.  The first one leads us down a path of victimhood, martyrdom, or feeling as though there’s something wrong with us.  The second one takes us in a direction of deeper growth, awareness, and responsibility.

Victimhood vs. Responsibility

Sadly, it often seems easier and is definitely more encouraged by the world around us to choose “Door #1” (victimhood), than it is to choose “Door #2” (growth and responsibility).

Why is this?  We live in a culture that celebrates and reinforces victimhood.  And while there are clearly people in our world who are genuinely victimized, the majority of the time that you and I act, talk, and feel like “victims,” we’re not – it’s just a habitual way of thinking and being that we’re used to.

Most of us learned how to be victims at a very young age and had (and continue to have) lots of examples around us. In fact, victimhood is something we often used as a survival technique as children and adolescents. Although it doesn’t really feel good – feeling sorry for ourselves is actually a way to distance ourselves from deep and painful emotions, like sadness, hurt, loneliness, fear, anger, and despair. Because we don’t have the emotional capacity as kids or teens to fully experience, express, or embrace our emotions in a healing and liberating way, we turn to victimhood and it helps us survive.

In our lives as adults, however, playing the victim not only acts as a smokescreen (keeping us from taking responsibility and feeling our real emotions), it also causes a great deal of harm in relationships, at work, with our health, and much more.

Asking yourself why something is happening for you instead of to you doesn’t mean we have to like what’s happening, necessarily.  It also isn’t about blaming ourselves. This is about consciously choosing to look for the gold, see the lesson, and take a growth mindset approach to the circumstances and situations that show up in our lives.

While feeling like a victim is normal and common for us as human beings, it never leads us to greater awareness, joy, or happiness.  The more willing we are to take responsibility for what shows up in our lives and to look for what we can learn from all that we experience, the more likely we are to heal, change, and transform in the positive way that we truly want.

Expand Your Capacity for Growth and Learning

Here are a few things you can think about and do to let go of victimhood and expand your capacity for growth and learning:

1) Notice when and where you feel like a victim.

Pick a specific area of your life, or a specific situation or relationship, where you currently feel that it’s not fair, or it shouldn’t be this way, or you find yourself asking, why is this happening to me?  While you may have more than one area or example of this in your life right now, it works best to focus on one area at a time.  Notice what you think and say about this situation – to yourself and others.  Most important, tap into how you’re truly feeling about it.  Remember, victimhood is always a smokescreen – keeping us away from our authentic and vulnerable feelings.  When we’re able to acknowledge and ultimately experience and express how we truly feel, things can start to shift.

2) Ask yourself the question, “Why is this happening FOR me?” 

Related to this specific situation, asking yourself why it is happening for you is something that can put you in a different and healthier inquiry about what’s really going on.  Again, you don’t have to like what’s happening, but you can appreciate it (which means recognize the value of it).  What are you learning?  What is it forcing you to deal with, let go of, heal, or confront in your life?   Another good question to ask yourself along these same lines is, What good is here that I’m currently not seeing?  The more willing you are to look deeply at and learn from this situation, and the less energy you put into being at the mercy of it, the more power you’ll have in dealing with it and growing in the process.

3) Talk to others authentically.

While we often commiserate with other people, it’s a better idea to share how we authentically feel (in a vulnerable way) and to engage in an inquiry with people we trust about why this situation may be happening for us.  Others are often able to see and hear things we don’t. Leaning on the people in our life, talking to them in a real way, and asking for their support and feedback can help us move through the difficulty, find the gold, and deepen your learning – especially when we’re dealing with something challenging or painful. The less we share our issues with others looking for them to agree with our story of woe, and the more we share what we’re going through with a desire for support and empowerment; the more likely we are to heal, grow, and evolve.

Letting go of victimhood is not the easiest thing for us to do – most of us have years and years of experience.  However, with compassion, consciousness, and a willingness to ask ourselves why things are happening for us (and not to us), we can liberate ourselves from victimhood in a beautiful and powerful way.

Where in your life do you feel like a victim?  How can shifting your perspective make a difference? What can you learn from any of the current challenges you’re facing?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Liked this article? Here are three more!

The Importance of Celebrating

Step Out of Your Box

Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

This article was originally published in October2010 and updated for 2023.

How to Move Through Your Fear

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Fear is something that we all experience, especially on our journey toward deeper authenticity, fulfillment, and success in life.  Being who we really are, expressing ourselves boldly, and going for what we want in life can cause a great deal of fear in us.

I get scared all the time – especially when I’m taking risks, doing new things, and putting myself out there.  When I was younger I thought there was something really wrong with me because I would get so nervous – in sports, in school, in social settings, and more.  I now understand that everyone else experiences their own version of the same basic fears I have (being judged, making mistakes, looking bad, failing, disappointing others, and more).  It’s just part of being human.

Many of us run away or hide from our fears because they seem scary, uncomfortable, or embarrassing.  We also erroneously think we “shouldn’t” have them or we’re somehow “wrong” for feeling scared.  However, most things that mean a lot to us in life don’t show up without any fear at all.  And as we strive to live with authenticity, it’s inevitable that we’ll get scared along the way.

The question isn’t whether or not we experience fear in our lives (because we all do and always will for as long as we live); the more important question for each of us to ask and answer is, how can I move through my fears in an honest way so they don’t stop me from being who I really am and going for what I truly want in life?

How to move through your fear in a positive way:

– Admit it – Acknowledge your fear, tell the truth about it, and be real.  When we feel scared and are willing to admit it with a sense of empathy and compassion for ourselves, it can often take the edge off and give us a little breathing room to begin with.

– Own it – Take responsibility for your fear and own it as yours, not anyone else’s.  We often have a tendency to blame others for doing or saying things that “scare” us.  However, when we remember that no one else can “make” us scared – only we have that power – we take back the responsibility and the power of the fear and remember that it exists within us, so we are the only ones who can change it.

– Feel it – Allow yourself to feel your fear, not just think about it or talk about it (something I often catch myself doing).  Feel it in your body and allow yourself to go into the emotion of it, even if it is scary or uncomfortable.  Like any emotion, when we feel our fear deeply and passionately, it has a way of dissipating.

– Express it – Let it out.  Speak, write, emote, move your body, yell, or do whatever you feel is necessary for you to do to express your fear.  Similar to feeling any emotion with intensity, when we express emotions with intensity and passion, they move right through us.  When we repress our emotions, they get stuck and can become debilitating and dangerous.

– Let it go – This one is often easier said than done – for me and many people I work with.  Letting go of our fear becomes much easier when we honestly admit, own, feel, and express it.  Letting go of our fear is a conscious and deliberate choice, not a reactionary form of denial.  Once you’ve allowed yourself the time to work through your fear, you can declare “I’m choosing to let go of my fear and use its energy in a positive way.”

– Visualize the positive outcomes you desire – Think about, speak out loud, write down, or even close your eyes and visualize how you want things to be and, more important, how you want to feel.  If your fear is focused on something specific like your work, a relationship, money, etc. – visualize it being how you want it to be and allow yourself to feel how to ultimately want to feel.

– Take action – Be willing to take bold and courageous actions, even if you’re still feeling nervous.  Your legs may shake, your voice might quiver, but that doesn’’t have to stop you from saying what’s on your mind, taking a risk, making a request, trying something new, or being bold in a small or big way.  Doing this is what builds confidence and allow us to move through our fear.

Fear can and does stop us in life – from being ourselves, speaking our truth, and going for what we really want.  But, when we remember with compassion that there’s nothing wrong with us for getting scared and when we’re willing to lean into our fears with vulnerability and boldness – we can literally transform them into something that catapults our growth and fulfillment in life.

What would you do or say if fear didn’t stop you?  How can you move through your fear in a more authentic and effective way?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Lessons in Teamwork from the SF Giants

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I have been so excited and inspired by this year’s baseball post-season and the big World Series victory by the San Francisco Giants.  As a Bay Area native, a lifelong baseball fan, and someone who has been fortunate enough to have the Giants as a client this year, of course I was rooting for them with passion.

The fact that the Giants had not won a World Series since moving from New York to San Francisco (in 1958) and that we haven’t had a major sport championship here in the Bay Area since the 49ers won the Super Bowl in 1994, made it that much more exciting and meaningful.

But, the biggest reason I’ve so excited and inspired this year is because of this incredible San Francisco Giants TEAM.  I’ve probably followed this season and this team as closely as any other sports team or season in my entire life – and, for me, that’s saying a lot.  With their great young pitching staff, cast of interesting and unique characters, and lack of huge superstars and egos, I liked them a lot, right from the start of the season – and began to fall in love with them as the season went on.  It wasn’t simply because they won games, which they did (although not excessively or even impressively at times); it was how they won their games and, more important, how they played the game and worked as a team that impressed me most.

This team is an inspiration, not just to baseball fans, young kids who play the game, or people who are into sports in general – but for any and all of us who have to work with others (which most of do) to get things done in our work, our family, our community, and our life. No one expected this team to win the World Series – they didn’t have the talent, experience, or make-up to become champions, said the “experts.” But, they did it anyway and took all of us who followed them this year on the ride of our baseball lives watching them do so.

As someone who is passionate about teamwork, loves working with teams myself, and gets hired to speak about and train people to effectively team up with each other, I believe this year’s San Francisco Giants put on a clinic all season long (and especially these past few weeks) in what teamwork should look like.

Here are a few lessons about teamwork we can all learn from the magic of the 2010 San Francisco Giants:

1) Be Who You Are – Authenticity is essential in life and in building successful teams.  It’s okay and often important to be a little different, to do things your own way, and to give people on your team the space to be themselves.  This year’s San Francisco Giants were made of a somewhat strange array of characters – from Brian Wilson, to Aubrey Huff, to Tim Lincecum, to Juan Uribe, and on down the line.  They didn’t always look like champions and often did and said some pretty odd and quirky things, but it all worked, kept them loose, and helped them bond with each other and the city of San Francisco.  For us to create a strong team around us we have to remember to be ourselves and allow the team to take on its own unique personality.

2) It’s More About Heart Than Talent – The Giants were a team that didn’t always look good on paper, which is why they were often counted out by the so called “experts.”  Even with their great young pitching staff, their lineup didn’t include any superstars or big sluggers.  They called themselves “misfits and castoffs” – as many of them had been let go by other teams and had been given up on in the process.  They beat many teams during the regular season and definitely in the post-season who had much more talent than they did.  However, they exemplified the importance of heart in the way they played and won games – doing whatever it took to get it done.  Guys like Cody Ross, Edgar Renteria, Juan Uribe, Aubrey Huff, Andres Torres, and others showed us how to play with heart and like a champion, even if the guys on the other team had more talent than they did.

3) Play For Each Other – Larry Baer, the President of the San Francisco Giants (someone I’ve had the honor of getting to know a bit this year), said something important about this team in an interview he did after they won the National League Pennant. He said, “These guys do more than play with each other, they play for each other.” Larry was right and that is such an important and unique quality for a team to have. Playing with each other is essential to success. But, becoming a truly great team requires us to play for one another. Playing for others means we have each other’s backs, we’re there for our teammates, and we want to succeed for the people around us (in addition to ourselves) in a way that inspires greatness and excellence in all of us.

4) Don’t Listen to the Naysayers – In life, business, and, of course, baseball there are always naysayers – people who don’t think you and those around you can do it. The Giants had many naysayers, in fact they didn’t usually even get mentioned as real contenders for much of the season and were written off many times, even during the World Series, which they won handily. It’s a good thing (for them and all of their fans) that they didn’t listen to those naysayers. As Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently said, “No one has the power to make me feel inferior without my permission.” While it can be important and helpful to get feedback from others, especially critical feedback, listening to critics and naysayers who don’t believe in your and your team will never benefit you and those around you.

5) Be Creative and Flexible – The San Francisco Giants had to be quite creative and flexible throughout the entire season and all through the post season in order to win. They brought in new players, adjusted their lineup (even in the World Series), and did whatever they had to do to get the job done. Change can be challenging and stressful for a team, but in most cases it’s essential for success. We can’t get fixed into thinking things can only be done a certain way or that everyone has to maintain their same role throughout the entire process – that’s not how life, business, or baseball truly works. Our ability to be flexible and creative is often directly related to our ability to create success and fulfillment for ourselves and our team. As an example of this, both Cody Ross and Edgar Renteria (who were each named the MVP of the NLCS and World Series respectively), didn’t even play that much down the stretch, but stepped up when called upon and delivered.

6) Have Fun and Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously – For us to have success on an individual and group level, we have to have some fun.  The San Francisco Giants had fun all year long, especially in the post season.  They knew the importance of what they were doing, but never lost their sense of humor and didn’t take themselves too seriously in the process.  Whether it was Aubrey Huff’s “rally thong,” Brian Wilson’s black dyed beard and crazy interviews, or Tim Lincecum’s hair and language – these guys always seemed to have a good time, which kept them loose and made it that much more fun to root for them.  The more fun we have, the more relaxed we are…and the better we perform and bond with those around us.

7) Appreciate Each Other – One of, if not the, most important aspects of being a true championship team (in my humble opinion), is the ability to appreciate those around you. Understanding and exercising the power of appreciation makes everyone around you feel good, know they’re valued, and helps bring out the best in each person. If you listened to their post-game interviews throughout the year, in the playoffs, and especially after the final game of the World Series, the San Francisco Giants understood and embodied appreciation for one another. They praised each other, gave credit to one another, and pumped each other up – in an authentic way. It’s one thing to pay lip service to appreciation and it’s another thing altogether to do it genuinely. They truly put their egos aside in so many ways, did what they had to do to win, and appreciated each other along the way. Given the nature of their team, the shortcomings they had, and the adversity they almost always seemed to find themselves in – they had to count on each other and appreciate each other’s talent, because without that synergy and support, they never would have become World Series Champions.

I’m grateful to the San Francisco Giants for not only playing so well this year, but for playing the way they did.  It was an inspiration to watch and they are (and will always remain) a beautiful and powerful example of what can happen when a group of individuals come together and truly play as a team.  Not only did they win a championship and inspire a city, they taught us all a great deal about the art of teamwork and for that I salute them as the true champions they are!

What have you learned about teamwork from watching the San Francisco Giants win the World Series?  What can you do to be an even better team player in your work, your family, your community, and your life?  Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

What Baseball Can Teach Us About Life

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With all the excitement of the playoffs and the World Series (which, thanks to the success of the San Francisco Giants, we get to experience directly here in the Bay Area), I’ve been thinking about, watching, and appreciating the great game baseball a lot these past few weeks.  As someone who spent eighteen years of my life (from the age of seven until the age of twenty five) playing organized baseball and who has been a huge fan all my life, the game has taught me a great deal.

Whether you’ve played (or still play) baseball yourself, watch it as a fan, or even if you don’t particularly like it, understand it, care about it, or think it’s boring (which I know some people do), the game of baseball can teach us so many important things about life.

The fact that there are seemingly endless metaphors and universal life lessons that can be gleaned from baseball is one of the many things that make the game so interesting, exciting, and magical in my opinion.

Here are some key lessons from baseball I’ve been reminded of these past few weeks as I’ve been following the Giants with passion and enjoying the excitement of the post-season:

1) Appreciate the moment. It’s so easy in life to take things for granted, focus too much on the outcome, and worry about our own agenda or performance – all things I did for much of my own baseball career.  Doing this, as we’ve all learned the hard way, causes us to miss the magic of the moment.  As I’ve continued to remind the folks within the San Francisco Giants organization whom I’ve had the honor of working with as a client this year, the most important thing to do in the midst of the excitement, intensity, and pressure of competition – whether it’s in baseball or in life – is to enjoy and be grateful for the experience right now.  As baseball teaches us, if we hold our breath and wait for it “all to work out,” if often doesn’t and we lose opportunity to appreciate what’s happening, while it’s happening, which is the only way we can authentically enjoy anything in life.

2) Take it one step at a time. As most baseball coaches preach to their players – “Take things one pitch at a time, one at-bat at a time, one inning at a time, and one game at a time.”  While these may be some of the oldest baseball cliches in the book, they’re cliches for a reason – they’re true, and not just for baseball.  The better you are at letting go of what just happened, not worrying about what’s coming up, and staying in each moment of your experience as it happens – the more likely you are to enjoy yourself and perform at your best.  You never know how things are going to unfold and you don’t want to get too far ahead of yourself.  According to all of the “experts,” the New York Yankees and the Philadelphia Phillies were supposed to be playing in the World Series, not the Giants and the Texas Rangers.

3) Focus on what you can control. In baseball, work, and life, there are so many things we can’t control (i.e. what other people do, external factors, and ultimately the results), but we always have control over our attitude and our effort.  Remembering what you can and can’t control, and putting your attention on your attitude and effort are key elements in staying focused and positive, and in reducing stress and negativity.  In baseball, if you waste your time getting upset about the calls by the umpire, the play of the other guys on your team, the decisions your manager makes, the weather conditions, what the fans and media have to say, and more, you’ll make yourself crazy and render yourself ineffective in the game.  The same is true in life – we spend and waste so much energy on stuff we have no control over.  When we shift our focus to what we can control (our attitude and effort), we’re empowered.

4) Failure is part of the game. There is so much failure in baseball, even when you’re a really good player or team.  Cody Ross, an outfielder for the Giants, won the Most Valuable Player award of the National League Championship Series against the Phillies last week.  He had a great series and hit .350, which is a fantastic batting average.  However, this means he got out (i.e. failed) 65% of the time.  Even when you’re considered the “best,” which he was for that series, you still have to deal with a lot of failure in baseball.  The two teams in the World Series this year, the Giants and the Rangers, each lost 70 and 72 games respectively during the regular season.  That’s a lot of failure…and, they’re really good!  This is also true in life.  The question isn’t whether or not we’ll fail; it’s how we’ll deal with it when it happens that’s most important.  Remembering that failure is an essential part of the game of life can help us let go of unnecessary fear, worry, and self judgment.

5) Swing hard, just in case you hit it. Our fear of failure and embarrassment often holds us back from really going for it.  There were many times in my baseball career that I played tentatively, so as not to fail or lose. However, the best way to approach the game, as well as life itself, is with passion. Juan Uribe, the Giants third baseman, hit the game winning home run in Game 6 of last week’s National League Championship Series (sending the Giants to the World Series).  He’s a guy who swings about as hard as anyone in baseball.  Sometimes he misses and can look bad at the plate.  However, when he hits it, as he did last weekend, he has the ability to drive the ball out of the ballpark and win the game in heroic fashion.  Swinging hard in life, just in case we hit it, is a great way to approach many of the important things we do.  Imagine what your life and career would look like it you weren’t afraid to fail or embarrass yourself?

6) Don’t be a front-runner. During the post-season, there are lots of “front-runners,” (i.e. fans, media, and others jumping on the “band wagon” when a team starts winning games and doing well). We live in a culture that loves winners and makes fun of losers. While this makes sense in baseball and sports, it can be quite damaging in business, relationships, and life. Sadly, we’re often “front-runners” with ourselves – thinking that we’re only as good as our performance or liking ourselves better based on external factors (money, accomplishments, weight, status, etc.). The most successful baseball players I’ve ever seen or known and the most fulfilled people I’ve ever been around, don’t get too caught up in their own “hype” when they’re doing well and don’t get too stuck in their own “black hole” when they’re in a slump. Keeping it real with yourself and others and not being a front-runner is critically important to creating authentic success and fulfillment in life.

7) It ain’t over ’til it’s over. As the great and somewhat quirky hall-of-fame catcher from the New York Yankees Yogi Berra famously said, “It’s ain’t over ’til it’s over.” This is, of course, true in baseball and in life. So often individuals and teams get counted out – which was true for both of the teams playing in this year’s World Series, as well as many of the individual players on both squads, especially the Giants. However, baseball is a game of many second chances and opportunities for redemption – just ask Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers. His story of recover from addiction is inspiring and a great example of perseverance. We are confronted on a daily basis in life with opportunities to give up, give in, and quit. Remembering that “it ain’t over ’til it’s over” is important for us in those low moments when we feel like throwing in the towel. Don’t give up – you never know what’s going to happen; as we’re continually reminded about through the great game of baseball and the great experience of life.

Whether you love baseball like I do, get into it from time to time (especially at this time of year), or think it’s a ridiculous and boring game – I hope you’re able to watch the World Series over this next week and not only appreciate it for the exciting sporting event that it is, but also look more deeply into the beautiful way it can teach us so much about ourselves and how to live life to its fullest.

What have you learned from baseball (or any other sport or activity) that you can use in life to be more successful and fulfilled? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.