I was scheduled to fly to Dublin, Ireland a few weeks ago for a speaking engagement and when I got to the airport I realized I’d forgotten my passport at home. I felt mortified and embarrassed – and then angry when I realized I wouldn’t be able to get on my flight. After a few hours of stress and drama, I was able to get myself on another flight, which would get me to Ireland on time for my event – although it did cost me quite a bit of money and forced my wife Michelle to have to drop what she was doing and rush to the airport with my passport.
In the big scheme of things in life, it wasn’t a huge deal. However, it really upset me and caused me to reflect on how I react to mistakes – mine and other people’s. What I realized is that I don’t give myself or those close to me much permission to make mistakes. While mistakes aren’t a huge issue in my life, I actually spend and waste a lot of time worrying about making mistakes, and also find myself being unnecessarily critical of those around me when they make mistakes (both overtly and covertly).
Michelle’s kind, accommodating, and empathetic response to my mistake (which ended up having a negative impact on her as well) was a great model and reminder for how I want to be when someone around me makes a mistake – helpful, loving, and compassionate. It also reminded me that having love and compassion for myself when I make a mistake, instead of judgment and criticism, is a much healthier and more positive way to deal with mistakes.
How about you? How do you relate to yourself and others when mistakes are made? While it often depends on the nature of the mistake (some are bigger than others, of course), many of us tend to be hyper-critical with ourselves and those around us when it comes to errors. And the stress, criticism, and negativity we associate with mistakes can actually cause unnecessary harm, fear, and anguish – in essence, making a difficult situation even worse.
What if we had more freedom to make mistakes and gave the people around us permission to mess things up as well? It’s not that we’d start rooting for or expecting things to go wrong, we’d simply have more compassion and understanding when they did (which at some level is inevitable in life and business).
By giving ourselves and others permission to make mistakes, we actually create an environment within our own being and within our key relationships and teams, that is conducive to trust, connection, risk-taking, forgiveness, creativity, and genuine success.
While it can seem a little risky, and even counter-intuitive, allowing more freedom for mistakes to be made, ironically creates the conditions for less errors to occur, and more fun and productivity to take place.
Here are a few things to think about and focus on to expand your capacity for mistakes in a positive way:
- Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – As my friend and mentor Richard Carlson taught us in his bestselling book of the late 1990’s, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – and it’s all small stuff.” The vast majority of mistakes we make in life really aren’t all that big of a deal. The bigger issue when it comes to mistakes is either our fear of making them or our reaction to them once they have been made (by us or other people). As we lighten up and practice letting things go, we find that most things we stress or worry about are really small things. Living life with this awareness, allows us to have more peace and a lot less stress.
- Forgive – When a mistake is made, especially a big one, forgiveness is an essential aspect of moving through it. Most of the time there is no malicious intent by the person who made the mistake (us or others). Sadly, we tend to spend and waste a lot of time and energy either with blame or resentment, instead of focusing our attention in a more productive, positive, and healthy direction – forgiveness. It is often most difficult, but most important, for us to forgive ourselves when we make a mistake. However, if we can remember that most of the time we’re doing the best we can (as are others), we can hopefully get off our own backs and allow ourselves to be human (which means we aren’t perfect, nor is anyone else).
- Look For the Lesson – There are often tons of lessons for us to learn when a mistake is made. While it’s not always the easiest or most enjoyable way to learn a lesson, it’s often quite effective as it gets our attention. One of my friends posted on Facebook in response to my passport incident from a few weeks ago and said, “Well, look on the bright side, I bet this will be the one and only time you ever do this in your life – you won’t forget how it feels.” She is probably right and most of the time when we make a mistake, even a really big one, we gain a great deal of knowledge, experience, and insight that is invaluable.
Hi Mike! I’m so glad to read the post today, Yelena called in sick today and I have to lead the class through our Hanukkah celebration with two parents helping to make Latkes…mistakes are bound to be made! Steiner says that it is egotistical to dwell on our mistakes. When we make one we need to , as you say, learn from it and then forget about it, put it completely behind us and spend our energy moving forward. If we dwell on our mistakes it is as if we somehow feel are too perfect to make mistakes and we waste time and energy that could be used making the world a better place. Thanks so much!
Yes, yes, yes – mistakes are unavoidable and actually have a lot of value – we just have to get off our own backs about them. Have fun with the celebration today Melnida – you will be great!
-Mike 🙂
Great write-up Mike. It is very true what you say, mistakes are not all bad and we can spend a lot of wasted time worrying about them. Mistakes can be opportunities if we let them. I believe it was Thomas Edison who said something along the lines of, I didn’t find 1,000 plus ways to fail, I found 1,000 plus ways not to make a light bulb. Although, I advocated for sweating the small stuff in a recent article, I completely understand your perspective on it here. Thanks Mike, I will be following your updates.
Thanks Andy – yes, mistakes can be great opportunities, for sure! Thanks for reading this post and commenting!
-Mike
Yesterday I dropped off sandwich making supplies at my daughter’s school – they make food for a homeless shelter once a month. I accidentally got several loaves of bread that have nuts in them- the school as a strict no-nuts policy. The teachers and staff were so gracious about my mistake- they modelled how we should embrace mistakes- as places for us to be ‘better’! They donated the ‘mistake’ bread and bought extra loaves so the kids could still perform their service. I really appreciated how they reacted!
Christine – Thanks for your comment…sounds like a good example of modeling how to deal with a mistake. How did you feel about the whole thing yourself?
-Mike
I actually was surprised and delighted that I felt fine with making the mistake. It felt like in the big scheme of things that it was all good which was a lovely surprise for me and I realized that I am at a place where conditions and the past don’t have power over me!
Amen Christine 🙂
-MR
Wow, this is such a warm and gracious post. Thank you for taking the time to write it and, in doing so, make such a generous gift out of your mistake.
These mistakes always feel so big at the time. We need to have that future hindsight… How big a deal is this going to be in a year, a month, heck, sometimes even an hour?
That idea of being more compassionate with the mistake maker, even when it is ourselves, feels real important too. I was commenting the other day that when we have an appetite for blame, that appetite can never be satiated. Here in the UK there is an awful story currently about 2 Australian DJs putting in a hoax call to the hospital where Princess Kate was recovering, by pretending to be the Queen.
The nurse who took the call mistakenly believing the call to be genuine was blamed for being naive and reckless. Last week she took her own life, leaving a teenage daughter, husband and family.
The blame is now falling against the DJs, one of whom is also reportedly a suicide risk.
More grace. More compassion and banish blame.
Thank you, again, for such a powerful piece.
Neil – you are welcome, glad the post resonated with you and thank you for your comment. Yes, such a sad story about that nurse in the UK. Imagine what the world might look like if we were a bit kinder to ourselves and others when we made mistakes.
Blessings,
MR
There must be something about airports! I wrote a poem about being thankful for mistakes (at Thanksgiving while on the runway waiting for my plane to leave). I’m often afraid to make mistakes, especially if I’ll be publicly embarrassed in some way. Letting go of that fear and the notion I have to be perfect at all times makes life (and making mistakes) a lot more fun, not to mention productive! Here’s the poem: https://threefigsvilla.com/hooray-for-mistakes/
Thanks for the great post!
Thanks Cyd – yes, that fear of being embarrassed or called out can be big for a lot of us. Here’s to more self compassion all the way around.
Cheers,
MR
A great professor, Bob Lindberg, taught us all to say (when and if we made a mistake) : “That’s not like me!”
Nice – I like that!
-MR
Hay this is a great piece! It’s timely in my life. I’ve a lot in this write-up. Mike, more grace.
Thanks Nelson – glad it resonated with you!
-MR
I appreciate all of these comments on my post – am loving my new blog and excited to be able to engage in this conversation with you all…thank you!
With Gratitude,
Mike Robbins
I think we have those horrible resentments after making mistakes because our mind tries to warn and deeply imprint that event in our memory so that such errors become unforgettable. Sometimes we make mistake again though. However, I think people hurt their own feelings more when they see that they are doing the same types of mistakes again and again. One can find a pattern of one’s own mistakes through introspection. A kind of distrust grows agains one’s ownself that one starts hating and punishing himself after a mistake is done. Sometimes one always feel scared of starting to do anything in fear of making mistakes. One can also easily see the evolutionary reason behind these line of behaviors. However, although I totally agree with you about the solutions, it’s not so easy for lot of us. And I think one should also acknowledge why it’s not so easy for him to forgive himself and so on..