Do you ever make mistakes that in the moment seem like a huge deal? Like forgetting your passport at home before an international flight, accidentally sending an email to the wrong recipient, saying something to someone important that you regret?
We’ve all made these types of mistakes.
In the big scheme of things, though, most of these mistakes really aren’t a big deal. In fact, they’re actually great learning lessons that can help us learn, grow, and evolve on many different levels.
Why It’s Okay to Make Mistakes
A lot of us are too hard on ourselves. We don’t give ourselves or those close to us much permission to make mistakes.
We actually spend and waste a lot of time worrying about making mistakes. And in turn, many of us can be unnecessarily critical of those around us when they make mistakes.
When someone is compassionate and supportive towards us when we make a mistake, it reminds us that having compassion for ourselves when we make a mistake – instead of judgment and criticism – is a much healthier and more positive way to respond. This is also true for how we engage with others when they make mistakes.
How do you relate to yourself and others when mistakes are made?
While it often depends on the nature of the mistake (some are bigger than others, of course), many of us tend to be hyper-critical of ourselves and those around us when it comes to errors. And the stress, criticism, and negativity we associate with mistakes can actually cause unnecessary harm, fear, and anguish – in essence, making a difficult situation even worse.
What if we had more freedom to make mistakes and gave the people around us permission to mess things up as well? It’s not that we’d start rooting for or expecting things to go wrong, we’d simply have more compassion and understanding when they did (which at some level is inevitable in life and business).
By granting more permission for mistakes, we actually create an environment within ourselves, as well as our key relationships and teams, that is conducive to trust, connection, risk-taking, forgiveness, creativity, and genuine success.
While it can seem a bit uncomfortable, and even counter-intuitive, allowing more freedom for mistakes to be made, ironically creates the conditions for less errors to occur, and more fun and productivity to take place.
How to Expand Your Capacity for Mistakes
Here are a few things to think about and focus on to expand your capacity for mistakes in a positive way:
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
At the end of the day, the vast majority of mistakes we make in life really aren’t all that big of a deal. The bigger issue when it comes to mistakes is either our fear of making them or our reaction to them once they have been made (by us or other people). As we lighten up and practice letting things go, we find that most things we stress or worry about are really small things. Living life with this awareness allows us to have more peace and a lot less stress.
Forgive
When someone makes a mistake, especially a big one, forgiveness is an essential aspect of moving through it. Most of the time there is no malicious intent by the person who made the mistake.
Sadly, we tend to spend and waste a lot of time and energy either with blame or resentment, instead of focusing our attention in a more productive, positive, and healthy direction – forgiveness. It’s often quite difficult, but most important, for us to forgive ourselves when we make a mistake. However, if we can remember that most of the time we’re doing the best we can (as are others), we can hopefully get off our own backs and allow ourselves to be human (which means we aren’t perfect, nor is anyone else).
One of the main reasons a lot of us don’t trust ourselves as much as we could is that we haven’t forgiven ourselves for our past mistakes. When we do this, it creates so much freedom and peace – both for us and for others.
Look For the Lesson
There are often many lessons for us to learn when a mistake is made. While it’s not always the easiest or most enjoyable way to grow, it’s often quite effective as it gets our attention.
Mistakes are how we learn in life. Most of the time when we make a mistake, even a really big one, we gain a great deal of knowledge, experience, and insight that is invaluable.
Remember: it’s okay to make mistakes. By accepting this, you expand your capacity for imperfection in a positive way and gain even more self-trust.
How can you give yourself and others more permission to make mistakes? Feel free to leave a comment or question below.
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Hi Mike! I’m so glad to read the post today, Yelena called in sick today and I have to lead the class through our Hanukkah celebration with two parents helping to make Latkes…mistakes are bound to be made! Steiner says that it is egotistical to dwell on our mistakes. When we make one we need to , as you say, learn from it and then forget about it, put it completely behind us and spend our energy moving forward. If we dwell on our mistakes it is as if we somehow feel are too perfect to make mistakes and we waste time and energy that could be used making the world a better place. Thanks so much!
Yes, yes, yes – mistakes are unavoidable and actually have a lot of value – we just have to get off our own backs about them. Have fun with the celebration today Melnida – you will be great!
-Mike 🙂
Great write-up Mike. It is very true what you say, mistakes are not all bad and we can spend a lot of wasted time worrying about them. Mistakes can be opportunities if we let them. I believe it was Thomas Edison who said something along the lines of, I didn’t find 1,000 plus ways to fail, I found 1,000 plus ways not to make a light bulb. Although, I advocated for sweating the small stuff in a recent article, I completely understand your perspective on it here. Thanks Mike, I will be following your updates.
Thanks Andy – yes, mistakes can be great opportunities, for sure! Thanks for reading this post and commenting!
-Mike
Yesterday I dropped off sandwich making supplies at my daughter’s school – they make food for a homeless shelter once a month. I accidentally got several loaves of bread that have nuts in them- the school as a strict no-nuts policy. The teachers and staff were so gracious about my mistake- they modelled how we should embrace mistakes- as places for us to be ‘better’! They donated the ‘mistake’ bread and bought extra loaves so the kids could still perform their service. I really appreciated how they reacted!
Christine – Thanks for your comment…sounds like a good example of modeling how to deal with a mistake. How did you feel about the whole thing yourself?
-Mike
I actually was surprised and delighted that I felt fine with making the mistake. It felt like in the big scheme of things that it was all good which was a lovely surprise for me and I realized that I am at a place where conditions and the past don’t have power over me!
Amen Christine 🙂
-MR
Wow, this is such a warm and gracious post. Thank you for taking the time to write it and, in doing so, make such a generous gift out of your mistake.
These mistakes always feel so big at the time. We need to have that future hindsight… How big a deal is this going to be in a year, a month, heck, sometimes even an hour?
That idea of being more compassionate with the mistake maker, even when it is ourselves, feels real important too. I was commenting the other day that when we have an appetite for blame, that appetite can never be satiated. Here in the UK there is an awful story currently about 2 Australian DJs putting in a hoax call to the hospital where Princess Kate was recovering, by pretending to be the Queen.
The nurse who took the call mistakenly believing the call to be genuine was blamed for being naive and reckless. Last week she took her own life, leaving a teenage daughter, husband and family.
The blame is now falling against the DJs, one of whom is also reportedly a suicide risk.
More grace. More compassion and banish blame.
Thank you, again, for such a powerful piece.
Neil – you are welcome, glad the post resonated with you and thank you for your comment. Yes, such a sad story about that nurse in the UK. Imagine what the world might look like if we were a bit kinder to ourselves and others when we made mistakes.
Blessings,
MR
There must be something about airports! I wrote a poem about being thankful for mistakes (at Thanksgiving while on the runway waiting for my plane to leave). I’m often afraid to make mistakes, especially if I’ll be publicly embarrassed in some way. Letting go of that fear and the notion I have to be perfect at all times makes life (and making mistakes) a lot more fun, not to mention productive! Here’s the poem: https://threefigsvilla.com/hooray-for-mistakes/
Thanks for the great post!
Thanks Cyd – yes, that fear of being embarrassed or called out can be big for a lot of us. Here’s to more self compassion all the way around.
Cheers,
MR
A great professor, Bob Lindberg, taught us all to say (when and if we made a mistake) : “That’s not like me!”
Nice – I like that!
-MR
Hay this is a great piece! It’s timely in my life. I’ve a lot in this write-up. Mike, more grace.
Thanks Nelson – glad it resonated with you!
-MR
I appreciate all of these comments on my post – am loving my new blog and excited to be able to engage in this conversation with you all…thank you!
With Gratitude,
Mike Robbins
I think we have those horrible resentments after making mistakes because our mind tries to warn and deeply imprint that event in our memory so that such errors become unforgettable. Sometimes we make mistake again though. However, I think people hurt their own feelings more when they see that they are doing the same types of mistakes again and again. One can find a pattern of one’s own mistakes through introspection. A kind of distrust grows agains one’s ownself that one starts hating and punishing himself after a mistake is done. Sometimes one always feel scared of starting to do anything in fear of making mistakes. One can also easily see the evolutionary reason behind these line of behaviors. However, although I totally agree with you about the solutions, it’s not so easy for lot of us. And I think one should also acknowledge why it’s not so easy for him to forgive himself and so on..
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Some students seem to admit to their sloppy mistakes while others often won’t even try for fear of making them. It seems like our students have fallen into a “perfection syndrome” that doesn’t permit them to even try without fear of failing. I just wish every student, parent, teacher and caretaker would accept mistakes as part of the learning process. How freeing that would be for every learner!
Mistakes come from imperfection and none of us are perfect, and we do not predetermine them, just as they are committed spontaneously, they should equally be forgiven. On the other hand, when you do something wrongly on purpose, it is no longer a mistake. Sometimes sadly, the reaction to the mistake is more damaging, especially when we carry the feeling of guilt or are excessively judged by others. I recently learned that when we make mistakes the first thing we think about is the mistake instead of the lesson we have to learn. Therefore, we must begin to be more compassionate with ourselves and with others when that happens.