Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

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Let Go of Negative Comparison

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I’m heading to my 15-year class reunion at Stanford this weekend.  I’m excited to see some old friends, spend time on campus, and attend the various parties, sporting events, and fun stuff planned for the weekend.  At the same time, I’m feeling quite anxious about the whole experience – knowing how easy it can be for me, especially in that environment, to get caught in a pattern of negative comparison.

As I looked through our 15-year reunion class book a few weeks ago (a book where fellow classmates submit a page with an update on their lives), I got a sick feeling in my stomach as the little voice in my head started saying things to me like, “Look how much more successful he is than you,” or “That person looks exactly the same as they did in school, they haven’t aged a bit…unlike you,” or “They seem to have things figured out, you clearly don’t,” and more.

Sadly, many of us spend and waste lots of time and energy comparing ourselves to others. Often times we end up feeling inferior to people based on our own self judgment and hyper criticalness. However, we also may find ourselves feeling superior to some of the people around us, based on certain aspects of our lives and careers we think are going well and/or the specific struggles of the people in our lives.  Reunions (as well as things like Facebook, holiday letters, and more) can can often highlight or intensify this phenomenon.

This comparison game is almost always a trap because whether we feel “less than” someone else or “better than” another person, we’re stuck in a negative loop. This is the same coin – heads we “win” and think we’re better and tails we “lose” and think we’re worse. In addition to comparing ourselves to other people, we also compare ourselves to ourselves from the past (something I’ve been noticing as I get ready for this weekend’s reunion).  One of the most negative thoughts and biggest fears that I allow to take away my power in life is, “I’m not as good as I used to be.”

All of this is an insatiable ego game that sets us up to lose. Comparison leads to jealousy, anxiety, judgment, criticism, separation, loneliness, and more. It’s normal for us to compare ourselves to others (and to our past selves) – especially given the nature of how most of us were raised and the competitive culture in which we live. However, negative comparison can have serious consequences on our self esteem, our relationships, our work, and our overall experience of life.

The irony is that almost everyone feels inferior in certain ways, and we often erroneously think that if we just made more money, lost some weight, had more friends, got a better job, moved into a nicer place, had more outward “success”, found the “perfect” partner (or changed our partner into that “perfect” person), or whatever – than these insecure and unhealthy feelings of inferior/superior comparison would simply go away. Not true.

How we can transform our negative comparison process into an experience of growth, connection, and self acceptance (and ultimately let it go) is by dealing with it directly and going to the source – us and how we relate to ourselves.

Here are some things you can do to unhook yourself from negative comparison:

  • Have empathy and compassion for yourself. When we notice we’re comparing ourselves to other people (or to our past self) and we start feeling either inferior or superior, it’s essential to have a deep sense of compassion and empathy for ourselves. Comparison almost always comes from a place of insecurity and fear, not of deficiency or mal-intent. Judging ourselves as “less than” someone else or judging ourselves for going into comparison mode in the first place (which many of us do once we become aware of our tendency to do this), doesn’t help. In fact, this judgment causes more harm and keeps us stuck in the negative pattern.
  • Use comparison as an opportunity to accept, appreciate, and love yourself. When negative comparison shows up, there is usually a lack of acceptance, appreciation, and love for ourselves. Instead of feeling bad about what we think is wrong with us or critical of ourselves for being judgmental, what if we took this as a cue to take care of and nurture ourselves in an authentic way? Comparison is a cry for us to accept and appreciate ourselves. If we listen to this important message and heed it, we can liberate ourselves from the negative pattern of comparison.
  • Be willing to admit your own jealousy. One of the best ways to release something is to admit it (i.e. “tell on yourself”). While this can be a little scary and vulnerable to do, when we have the courage to admit our own jealousy, we can own it in a way that is liberating to both us and other people. Acknowledging the fact that we feel jealous of another person’s success, talents, accomplishments, or qualities is a great way to let go of it and to remove the barrier we may feel with that person or experience. If you find yourself jealous of someone you don’t know (like a celebrity or just someone you haven’t met personally), you can acknowledge these feelings to someone close to you or even in a meditation with an image of that actual person.
  • Acknowledge the people you compare yourself to. Another great way to break through the negative impact of comparing ourselves to others is to reach out to them with some genuine appreciation. I am planning to do this all weekend at my reunion. The more excited we’re willing to get for other people’s success, talents, qualities, and experiences – the more likely we are to manifest positive feelings and outcomes in our own lives. There is not a finite amount of success or fulfillment – and when we acknowledge people we compare ourselves to, we remind ourselves that there is more than enough to go around and that we’re capable of experiencing and manifesting wonderful things in our own life as well.

Where do you compare yourself to others (or to yourself from the past) in a way that is detrimental?  What can you do on a regular basis to let go of negative comparison? Share your ideas, commitments, thoughts, dreams, and more on my blog below.

We Are Not Our Bodies

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I shaved my head again last week.  This is the fourth time in the past five years I’ve done this.  As has been the case for me before – it feels both liberating and vulnerable.  My hair has been thinning for about ten years (most significantly in the past two or three) and, as I’ve written about a few times previously, this has caused me a great deal of fear, insecurity, and self criticism.

These feelings are not new and aren’t specifically related to my thinning hair (although it is definitely something that triggers them for me in an intense way).  Being critical of my appearance and concerned about my body have been consistent themes throughout my life – as a teenager with acne and braces, as a college and pro baseball player battling years of painful arm injuries, as the natural aging process starts to impact my hair, skin, etc., and so much more – there have been and continue to be aspects of my body that I don’t like, feel ashamed of, and worry about.

The deeper issue here for me and so many of us isn’t about our bodies themselves, but how much we identify with them.  I’ve lived most of my life as if I am my body, even though for a number of years I’ve been aware, at least intellectually, that this is not the case.

We tend to focus a lot of our attention on our bodies, at least superficially.  We think about, talk about, and worry about how our bodies look, feel, and function all the time.  Some of us clearly do this more than others – but if you just pay attention to the conversations, information, media, and advertisements around you on a daily basis, amazing to see how much obsession there is about our bodies and also how much we tend to equate our success, effectiveness, and well being to our physical experience.

While there’s nothing wrong with us wanting to look good and it’s vitally important that we focus on keeping our bodies as healthy as possible, in many cases, we place a disproportionate amount of our self worth and value (or lack thereof) on our bodies.  In other words, we think that if we look good and feel good, we are good. And, we think that if we feel bad, get sick, feel tired, or don’t like our appearance, we somehow are bad (or at least not as good as we could or should be).

We also don’t often make much distinction between our physical state and our other states (mental, emotional, and spiritual).  I remember hearing a story of a Buddhist monk who only slept two or three hours per night, because he was so busy tending to the poor, sick, and needy people in his community.  When people asked him, “Don’t you get tired?” he responded by saying, “My body gets tired sometimes, but I’m alive and vibrant.”  The story really struck me and illustrated the important distinction between us and our physical body.

Our bodies are brilliant, beautiful, and miraculous – even though we often don’t think of, treat, or talk about them that way.  As my friend, Steve Sisgold, teaches in his wonderful book, What’s Your Body Telling You?, we can tap into the power of “whole body consciousness” and use the innate wisdom of our bodies to reduce stress, create peace, and attract success in our lives.

I’m not advocating that we disconnect from our bodies (which is so easy for us to do in our culture as we over emphasize the mental aspect of life and focus more on results than we do on experience), but I am suggesting that we disassociate ourselves from the notion that who we are is simply the flesh and bones we travel around in.  Our bodies are an important aspect of who we are, but far from all of who we are.

Our body weight does not determine our worth.  Our level of health (or lack thereof) is not an indication of our value as a human being.  How much hair we have (or whatever other physical issue you obsess about) doesn’t make us a good or bad person.  And, how we look and feel is not the ultimate indicator of our success, fulfillment, and worthiness in life.

We are so much more than our bodies!  When we’re able to realize, remember, and live from this awareness – we can take back our power, transform some of our fear, and create a healthy, loving, and empowering relationship with our body that serves, supports, and enhances our growth and our experience ourselves and of life in general.

How much do you identify yourself with your body? How can you alter your relationship with your body in a healthy and positive way?  Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.

Our Insatiable Desire for Fame

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I’ve been fascinated by the recent sensationalized stories in the media about “Balloon Boy,” the White House party crashers, and the various alleged mistresses of Tiger Woods coming out to tell their tales. While it’s easy to get caught up in the drama of these stories, to blame the insatiable appetite of the twenty four hour news cycle, or to judge the particular people involved; the deeper issue is that some people seem willing to do just about anything to get their fifteen minutes of fame – even if it involves selling out on themselves and those close to them or causing pain, fear, or public humiliation for them or others. What is this really all about?

While most of us assume we wouldn’t go to the same lengths these people did in order to get attention and not all of us have a secret fantasy to be the star of our own reality TV show, there does seem to be a collective belief in our culture that becoming famous and well-known is an important goal and a key element to being successful and fulfilled in life. No matter how many big examples we’ve seen over the years to the contrary, many of us still get caught up in the elusive and ego-driven chase of fame. And, even though some of us have no specific desire to be “famous,” most of us think that if we had that (more money, greater influence, better body, perfect relationship, enhance ability, more exposure, etc.) then we’d be happy or feel like we’d made it.

When I look at this issue for myself, I notice that the driving force behind my own desire for “fame” (or any of the other external achievements I erroneously think will make me feel accomplished or successful) is a fear that who I am and what I’m doing isn’t quite good enough. When we tell the truth to ourselves, most of us have some version of this fear and a deep-seeded belief that we’re fundamentally flawed. This isn’t something we usually bring up at cocktail parties or even admit to the people close to us (or to ourselves). However, when we’re really honest about it, our own feelings of inadequacy are what drive a lot of our behaviors, particularly the most debilitating, inauthentic, and destructive ones.

What if, instead of standing back in self-righteous judgment, we used these recent examples (and the many that will inevitably follow) of fame chasing in the media to give us an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, get in touch with what truly matters to us, and practice being more of our authentic selves in life – instead of chasing attention or acknowledgement. Standing in judgment of other people (those in the media or those in our lives), while easy to do and encouraged by our culture, doesn’t really serve us or give us any real value. Relating to people, situations, and circumstances as reflections of our personal and collective consciousness (both light and dark) and choosing to learn from them, gives us the opportunity to change and grow all the time.

Here are three things we can practice, based on the wonderful examples of these recent media stories:

1) Tell the truth about your own secret desire and motivation for fame and attention – Most of us have some secret (or not so secret) desire to be “famous” or at least to get more attention than we’re currently getting. We may want to be on TV, to get more recognition at work, to have more friends on Facebook, or something else that we think will make us feel more “important.” And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with us wanting to be acknowledged in some public way, the issue for most of us has to do with our motivation (it will make me happy or make me feel like I’m “somebody”) and what we may be willing to do in order to gain this attention (sell out on ourselves or those around us, be selfish and hurtful to others, or even lie, cheat, and steal). However this shows up in your life, the more willing you are to admit it and own it, the less negative impact it will have on you and those around you. As Sigmund Freud said, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.”

2) Focus on what you really want – Underneath our desire for fame and attention are usually some deeper and more meaningful desires. Maybe we want to make a difference for other people in a profound way, we want to experience a deep sense of appreciation, or we want to be bold and really step out in life. We often allow our egos to hijack our pure desires and turn them into superficial fantasies and erroneous notions. However, when we take a closer look at what we really want and what’s beneath our chase for “fame,” we can uncover what we really want and in most cases realize that these desires have nothing to do with gaining the attention of others. This can be incredibly liberating, empowering, and exciting.

3) Have compassion for yourself and others – As you notice yourself and others getting caught up in the insatiable desire for more attention or for fame itself, see if you can have a deep sense of compassion. It doesn’t mean any of us are “bad” for having these thoughts, feelings, or desires. Given the nature of today’s media culture and our own feelings of inadequacy, it makes perfect sense that we have some version of this obsession. However, when these things show up within us or around us, having compassion will allow us to more deeply understand ourselves and others, and give us the opportunity to be more authentic. When we go beneath our superficial desire for attention, it can allow us focus on what we’re really after – which is usually a sense of real appreciation for ourselves, others, and life and for what truly matters.

What secret desires do you have about being famous or “important?” How can you be honest about these desires in a way that is liberating? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.