A while back a mentor of mine said to me, “Mike, it sounds like you’re ‘shoulding’ all over yourself.’
And while this sounds funny, of course, this feedback was important for me to hear at the time and is something many of us do to ourselves, whether we’re conscious of it or not.
If I’m not mindful, it is easy for me to relate to even the most important parts of my life – my marriage, my family, my friends, my health, my work, my spiritual practice, my finances, and more – from the perspective of what I think I should do, say, or feel, and not from a place of what’s true for me.
As I look more deeply at this within myself, I realize that my obsession with doing, saying, or feeling the way I think I should, is actually less about a desire to do the right thing, and more about fear, shame, and a lack of self trust.
When we’re shoulding, it often comes from an insecure place within us where we’re not confident in our own desires and beliefs.
This lack of trust and confidence often leads us to look outside of ourselves for guidance, validation, and the insatiable right way something should be done; which can be quite stressful, anxiety-inducing, and damaging.
Instead of shoulding on yourself, you can ask yourself different questions that come from a place of truth and curiosity.
What if instead of asking ourselves, “What should I do?” we ask ourselves more empowering questions like, “What’s true for me?” or “What am I committed to?” or “What do I truly want?” These questions, and others like them, come from a much deeper place of authenticity.
This is not to say that everything we think we should do is inherently bad. That is clearly not the case. Thinking that we should do things like communicate with kindness, exercise, follow up with people in a timely manner, spend time with our families, eat healthy, take breaks, save money, have fun, work hard, be mindful of the feelings of others, push past our limits, try new things, organize our lives, focus on what we’re grateful for, and so much more – all can be very important aspects of our success and well being (as well as those around us).
However, when we come from a place of should, our motivation and underlying intention for doing whatever it is we’re doing is compromised – even if it’s something we consider to be positive or healthy. In other words, we often feel stressed, resentful, worried, or annoyed when we’re motivated by should. This mentality is based on an erroneous notion that there is some big book of rules we must follow in order to be happy and successful.
The distinction here is one of obligation versus choice, or have to versus get to. When we stop shoulding on ourselves, we’re less motivated by guilt, fear, and shame and can choose to be inspired by authentic desire, commitment, and choice.
How to Stop Shoulding on Yourself
Here are a few things you can do to stop shoulding on yourself:
1. Pay attention to how much should runs your life
Take some inventory of your life and observe the extent to which your drive is influenced by shoulding. You may even notice how often the word should comes out of your mouth in relation to your own actions, as well as your thoughts or conversations about others. The more you’re able to notice this, without judgment, the easier it will be to alter it.
2. Play around with different words, thoughts, and motivations other than should
If it’s not about what you (or others) should do, what are other words, thoughts, or motivations you could have? How can you relate to the most important areas and people in your life differently? Think about this and see what comes up. It’s not simply about word choice (although words do have a great deal of power), it’s about altering where you’re coming from in a fundamental way.
3. Ask yourself empowering questions
As I mentioned above, instead of asking yourself the question “What should I do?” see if you can ask yourself more empowering questions – ones that lead you to an authentic and inspired place of motivation. Consider questions like, “How can I make this fun or enjoyable?” or “What sparks inspiration within me?” or “What aligns with my purpose?” or “How can I serve?” or “What choices would nurture my self-esteem?”
There are so many possibilities, once we stop shoulding on ourselves.
Liked this article? Here are three more:
We’re All Doing the Best We Can
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Scott 'Q' Marcus says
You prompted a big one for me!
As a “recovering perfectionist,” I realized that I never measured up so when I lost my weight, I gave up on the word “should” as I realized that was a word used by the “invisible committee of they” to run my life. “You should be a better dad!” “You should be skinnier!” “You should be richer, smarter, taller, faster…” They were messages comparing me to an unattainable ideal with the sole purpose to make me feel bad.
And, on top of that, to whom do you try and explain? There’s no “court of appeal” that gives you the option to learn. THEY just tell you that you’re not good enough.
So, I decided I wouldn’t use the word anymore. However, a good friend of mine became concerned and pointed out that “should” is also the “moral word.” It’s what tells us how to be “good people” and if we don’t do what we “should” do, we might be “bad” (poor choice of words – but I’m sure you get it) people.
I gave some thought to that and was able to work it out by coming up with 3 questions. When I feel like I “should” do something, I ask myself these 3 questions in order:
1) Do I NEED to do that?
This takes care of my responsibilities, such as exercise, doctor’s visits, paying taxes, etc. I might not like doing them, but it’s the “adult” thing to do and the price for not doing them is too high.
2) Do I WANT to do that?
I believe we never grow up, we merely become “wrinkled kids.” That inner child still has dreams. They must be acknowledged. So, this is where I go for walks, relax, play. I don’t “need” to do these per se but life is too bland without them.
3) In the answer to the first 2 questions is “no,” I ask myself: If the roles were reversed, would I want someone else to do this for me?
That takes care of the moral responsibilities. I don’t “need” to donate to charity. I might not even “want” to donate to charity (as example). But should I ever be on the receiving end, Id’s sure hope someone else was there giving. So, I donate…
By using these 3 questions, I have dropped the word “should” completely and I lead a happier, healthier, moral life. I hope it helps.
Shelley says
Very cool article. I get it. Now I will act on the message. Thank you
Shelley
Mike Robbins says
Thanks for the great posts!
Malena says
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. You mentioned that you haven’t written – I have to share with you that it makes your newsletters all the more meaningful. I get so many other newsletters that come out every week or month but I honestly don’t read them most of the time.
Your newsletters are the jewels. When I get them I read them all the way through and think a lot about your message.
I truly appreciate your way of changing should into the questions you listed. I wrote them in places around my home to remind me to keep focus and things I really want to do and need to do. Thank you.
Sharon says
Thanks Mike for the insight newsletters. Last week the “should” of thoughts sent me into a depression.. got myself out of it..Thank God!! I like the way you had written this.. will help me when I start down that track of thoughts again 🙂
Anne Donze says
It all goes back to being yourself. Have you read Gretchen Rubin’s book, “The Happiness Project?” One of her mantras is, “Be Gretchen.” So when I see something really great that somebody else is doing, but I don’t necessarily want to do I remind myself to “Be Anne.” It is a really helpful mantra.
Mike Robbins says
Thanks for all of these great comments – just catching up with all of the posts and comments I didn’t specifically acknowledge! I am grateful for everyone who reads my blogs and especially for those of you who take the time to comment…
With Appreciation,
Mike