Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

Appreciation

Transform Your Fear

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Fear is something that we all experience throughout our lives, especially on our journey toward deeper authenticity.  Being who we really are, expressing ourselves honestly, being bold, and going for what we want in life can cause a great deal of fear in us.

I get scared all the time.  When I was younger I thought there was something really wrong with me because I would get so nervous – in sports, in school, in social settings, and more.  I now understand that everyone else experiences their own version of the same basic fears I have (being judged, making mistakes, looking bad, failing, disappointing others, and more).  It’s just part of being human.

Many of us run away or hide from our fears because they seem scary, uncomfortable, or embarrassing.  We also erroneously think we “shouldn’t” have them or that we are somehow “wrong” for feeling scared.  However, most things that mean a lot to us in life don’t show up without any fear at all.  And as we strive to live with authenticity, it’s inevitable that we’ll experience quite a bit of fear along the way.

The question isn’t whether or not we experience fear in our lives (because we all do and always will for as long as we live); the more important question for each of us to ask and answer is, how can I move through my fears in an honest way so they don’t stop me from being who I really am and going for what I truly want in life?

How to move through your fear in a positive way:

1) Admit it – Acknowledge your fear, tell the truth about it, and be real.  When we feel scared and are willing to admit it with a sense of empathy and compassion for ourselves, it can often take the edge off and give us a little breathing room to begin with.

2) Own it – Take responsibility for your fear and own it as yours, not anyone else’s.  We often have a tendency to blame others for doing or saying things that “scare us.”  However, when we remember that no one else can “make” us scared – only we have that power – we take back the responsibility and the power of the fear and remember that it exists within us, so we are the only ones who can change it.

3) Feel it – Allow yourself to feel your fear, not just think about it or talk about it (something I often catch myself doing).  Feel it in your body and allow yourself to go into the emotion of it, even if it is scary or uncomfortable.  Like any emotion, when we feel our fear deeply and passionately, it has a way of dissipating.

4) Express it – Let it out.  Speak, write, emote, move your body, yell, or do whatever you feel is necessary for you to do to express your fear.  Similar to feeling any emotion with intensity, when we express emotions with intensity and passion, they move right through us.  When we repress our emotions, they get stuck and can become debilitating and dangerous.

5) Let it go – This one is often easier said than done – for me and many people I work with.  Letting go of our fear becomes much easier when we honestly admit, own, feel, and express it.  Letting go of our fear is a conscious and deliberate choice, not a reactionary form of denial.  Once you’ve allowed yourself the time to work through your fear, you can declare “I’m choosing to let go of my fear and use its energy in a positive way.”

6) Visualize the positive outcomes you desire – Think about, speak out loud, write down, or even close your eyes and visualize how you want things to be and, more important, how you want to feel.  If your fear is focused on something specific like your work, a relationship, money, etc. – visualize it being how you want it to be and allow yourself to feel how to ultimately want to feel.

7) Take action – Be willing to take bold and courageous actions, even if you’re still feeling nervous.  Your legs may shake, your voice might quiver, but that doesn’t have to stop you from saying what’s on your mind, taking a risk, making a request, trying something new, or being bold in a small or big way.  Doing this is what builds confidence and allow us to move through our fear.

Fear can and does stop us in life – from being ourselves, speaking our truth, and going for what we really want.  But, when we remember with compassion that there’s nothing wrong with us for getting scared and when we’re willing to lean into our fears with vulnerability and boldness – we can literally transform them into something that catapults our growth and fulfillment in life.

Know Yourself

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How well do you know yourself, I mean really know yourself?  An essential aspect of our journey to live a more authentic, meaningful, and fulfilling life, is to know who we truly are at the deepest level.  Knowing ourselves, like being authentic itself, is a life-long process.  The more deliberate we are about this, however, the more we can grow and evolve consciously.

For me, knowing myself has been and at times continues to be a little tricky.  For many years I thought “knowing myself” meant knowing about myself (my “story,” my issues, my drama, where I’d been, what I’d been through, etc.).  While knowing about ourselves is important, it’s only a small piece of who we really are.

Being fully aware of ourselves is about looking more deeply within.  This can be challenging, confusing, and scary for some of us, myself included.  We often aren’t sure where to look, what to do, or how to deal with the aspects of ourselves we don’t understand or even like.  There are times I find myself wanting to avoid or deny certain aspects of myself, rather than confront them and deal with them directly based on my own fear or self judgment.  However, as Eckhart Tolle says in his book A New Earth, “Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.”

How We Can Know Ourselves More Deeply:

Knowing ourselves is an evolutionary process, not a destination.  There are, however, many things you can do that will give you greater understanding and awareness of who you truly are.  Here are a few ideas:

– Pay attention – Increase your awareness of yourself by paying close attention to the things you do and say, how you interact with others, what thoughts and feelings you have, how you show up in life, and your intuition and deeper guidance.  The more conscious of yourself you can be – in a present and nonjudgmental way – the more you’ll be able to know and understand yourself deeply.

– Accept yourself – Self acceptance is an essential aspect of knowing who you are.  Appreciate yourself for dealing with the challenges you have dealt with (or are still dealing with) in your life and also be aware of as many of your strengths and weaknesses as possible, in a positive and compassionate way.  Accepting yourself is not about doing everything “right,” ignoring or denying aspects of who you are, or being resigned in any way – it’s about making peace with all of who you are, both light and dark, and choosing to appreciate yourself.

– Get feedback – Allow people to give you honest feedback – family members, friends, co-workers, and others.  Be open to what people have to say about you and ask them to be honest.  This takes real courage, but when you’re willing to listen to the authentic feedback of others, you can gain a deeper awareness and insight about who you are, how you show up in life, and how you affect others – both positively and negatively.  And, remember the paradox – none of what other people say about you is “true” (it’s just their opinion), but it can be enlightening and empowering as it gives you an outside perspective of who you are and how you show up.

Knowing ourselves is an on-going process for us to engage in as we deepen our desire to be authentic in life.  It’s not always easy and there are many ego traps for us to be aware of along the way, but when we make a commitment to ourselves, our lives, and our growth – knowing who we are is fundamental and always will be.

Why It Can Be Hard to Be Authentic

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Why is it hard to be authentic?  More important, why is it hard for you to be authentic?

This isn’t an accusation or a judgment, it’s an important question.  If we can ask and answer this question honestly, without judging ourselves, we’re well on our way to becoming more of who we really are and ultimately more authentic.

For me, being honest, real, and authentic in a vulnerable way is what I aspire to be in my life, all the time.  However, this is also something I find quite difficult and challenging to do in the day-by-day, moment-by-moment aspects of my life, my work, and my relationships.

I’m often more interested (at least on the surface) in being liked, impressing people, and wanting to look good, than I am in being real.  I worry that if I really speak my truth, go for what I want, and let it all hang out – people won’t like me, I will upset or offend them, or I won’t be able to get what I truly want.

Can you relate to this in your own life?

Many of us, myself included, get quite upset, in a self-righteous way, when we see, hear about, or experience other people being dishonest, phony, or simply withholding the truth.  However, how often do we do that ourselves?  We can be quite hypocritical when it comes to authenticity – expecting it from others all the time, but not doing, saying, and being totally authentic ourselves.

This doesn’t make us “bad” or “wrong,” it simply makes us human.  Authenticity is challenging for most everyone I know, talk to, and work with.  The more we can get in touch with our own personal difficulty with being authentic, the more able and willing we’ll be to move past whatever stops us from being real.  But first, we have to notice our own difficulty or resistance to authenticity, with compassion, and tell the truth about it.

There are many factors that play into this – family upbringing, cultural training, long-held beliefs about what’s “appropriate,” and our own personal fears.  When it comes to being authentic, the bottom line for most of us is that we’re scared.  We don’t want to deal with what we imagine to be the consequences of authenticity – people’s judgments or reactions, our own fears and doubts, possible failure or rejection, and more – so we just shut up and try to fit in.

Shutting up and trying to fit in, as we all know from experience, doesn’t really work, feel good, or lead us to anything meaningful or fulfilling in life.  Doing this leads to resentment, frustration, and a lack of power in our lives, but is often easier for us to do than it is to confront our fear, speak our truth, and be fully authentic.

Getting in touch with what makes authenticity hard for us can give us access to a deeper place of truth within us and is the first step in becoming more real.

Here are a few questions for you to think about and answer with honesty and compassion:

  • What specific messages have you received throughout your life about being authentic and being yourself, that stop you from expressing yourself fully?
  • What are the main obstacles that get in your way of being real?
  • What are some of the biggest fears you have about being fully yourself, speaking your truth, and going for what you want in life?

Allow yourself to sit with these questions, ponder them, and see what comes out of this inquiry.  Talk to others about this with empathy and openness.  Engaging in this inquiry can and will open up some new ideas, insights, and possibilities for you.  Have fun with it and be kind to yourself in the process!

The Power of Authenticity

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How often do you not say or do something because you’re worried about how it’ll be perceived?  For most of us, myself included, this happens all the time – more often than we’d like to admit.

We live in a culture that’s starving for authenticity.  We want our leaders, our co-workers, our family members, our friends, and everyone else we interact with to tell us the truth and to be themselves.  Most important, we want to have the personal freedom and confidence to say, do, and be who we really are, without worrying so much about how we appear to others and what they might think or say about us.

Sadly, however, even though we may say we want to live in a way that is true to our deepest passions, beliefs, and desires; most of us don’t and it’s not that easy.  We’ve been taught by our parents, teachers, spouses, friends, co-workers, politicians, the media, and others, that it’s more important to be liked and to fit in than it is to be who we truly are.  In addition, many of us assume that who we are is not good enough and therefore we’re constantly trying to fix ourselves, or to act like others who we think are better than us.

However, as the famous 19th century author and poet Oscar Wilde so brilliantly stated, “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”

What it Really Means to Be Authentic

Authenticity is about enjoying a new sense of freedom to be who we really are–ourselves, natural and without a mask in our relationships, our work, and our life.  It takes courage, commitment, and depth to:

  • Look within ourselves
  • Tell the whole truth (even when we don’t want to)
  • Be vulnerable
  • Admit, own, and share our true thoughts, feelings, desires, insecurities, passions, embarrassment, dreams, and more.

However, being open and real about all of these things (and more) is what it means to be authentic in life.

Five Principles for Being Your Authentic Self

In order to utilize the power of authenticity in your life as a way to enhance your relationships, increase your fulfillment, and empower yourself, here are five key principles:

1) Know Yourself – Make a commitment to your own personal growth.  Discover more of who you are.  And, seek out and allow the support, honest feedback, and guidance of others.

2) Transform Your Fear – There’s nothing wrong with having fear, it’s the resistance and denial of fear that is the real problem.  When you admit, own, feel, and express your fear, you have the ability to move through it, transform it, and utilize its power in a positive way.  Taking action in the face of fear is courageous and empowering.

3) Express Yourself – Have the courage to speak your truth boldly.  Deal with conflicts directly.  Express your emotions fully.  Be vulnerable and real about what you think and how you feel.  While on the surface you may worry that this will be seen as “weak,” in actuality expressing yourself completely gives you access to real freedom and power.

4) Be Bold – Live, speak, and act with courage, passion, and truth – even if it’s difficult or scary.  Go for what you want in your work and in your life. And get back up when you fall down, which you will.

5) Celebrate Who You Are – Appreciate and honor who you are, what you do, and the gifts and talents that you have.  Celebrating yourself is not about being arrogant.  It’s an awareness of your own power and it’s the key to self confidence, fulfillment, and authenticity.

Being your authentic self is not for the faint of heart, but once you’re willing to truly engage and do the work to become more real – your life, your work, and your relationships will be more exciting, meaningful, and fulfilling!

We Teach Best What We Most Need to Learn

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I’ve been humbled by some recent critical feedback.  It seems that some people close to me, both personally and professionally, have been quite frustrated with me – especially as I ramp up for the release of my new book.  Ironically, the things they’re upset with me about have to do with the exact things I teach – appreciation, authenticity, positive communication, keeping things in perspective, and more.

Although my ego wants to (and has been) defending myself, making excuses, and trying to justify my actions – it’s clear to me that their feedback is accurate.  I actually struggle in many ways, especially when I get scared or stressed, to practice what I preach.  As I’ve been making my way through my feelings of remorse, embarrassment, and confusion – I’ve been thinking a lot about the well-known saying, “We teach best what we most need to learn.”

Isn’t this true?  So often the advice we give to others is the exact advice we need ourselves.  It’s ironic that we sometimes don’t recognize this in the moment (or at all) and also sad that we don’t give ourselves permission to listen to our own good advice.  Too often, we hold ourselves to some ridiculous standard of “perfection” (which no one ever attains) or we’re too self-conscious to admit we struggle with some of the very same things we advise others to do.

However, what if we did listen to ourselves and could realize that the things we passionately want to teach other people (whether or not we think of ourselves as a “teacher”) are the things we, ourselves, truly want to learn and embody.  This takes a vigilant level of self awareness and honesty that many of us, myself included, don’t always want to practice.  When we do, not only can we grow personally, we can also enhance and deepen our relationships with others and our ability to impact them in a positive way.

Here are a few things we can do to learn from ourselves and use our own advice in a positive, not self-righteous, way:

1) Be Honest – As the saying goes, “the truth shall set you free.”  The more willing we are to tell the truth about how we feel, what we want, and what we see – the less likely we are to be arrogant, self-righteous, judgmental, or defensive with others.  This means we’re willing to admit our own hypocrisy to ourselves and others, with compassion.

2) Have Compassion – Remember that everyone, including you, is doing the best they can in each and every moment.  Having compassion is one of the many things in life that is simple, but not easy.  The place for us to start is with ourselves.  When we can forgive ourselves and get off our own back, we then have the ability to that with others as well.

3) Stop Trying to be Perfect – Perfection demands never work – whether they’re focused outward or inward.  When we expect ourselves, others, or things to be “perfect,” everyone loses.  What if we didn’t have to do everything right, know everything, and always “walk our talk.”  Sometimes we don’t, and that’s okay.  When we stop trying to be perfect, we can accept ourselves as we are.  Acceptance leads to peace, joy, and fulfillment in our relationships and our lives.

Remembering that life is filled with irony and that it’s okay for us to make mistakes, pretend to know stuff we don’t, and act like we have certain things figured out when really we struggle with them, can be humbling at first.  However, when we embrace the idea that we always teach best what we most need to learn, we can create a deep sense of freedom in our lives that actually gives us the space and the power to be ourselves and impact others in the positive way we desire.

How does this relate to you and your life?  Share your thoughts, ideas, and questions about this article on my blog here.