How often do you find yourself getting jealous of other people?
For much of my life I’ve been aware of my own tendency to compare, compete, and be jealous of others (thinking that I don’t measure up). As a kid, a teenager, and a young adult, this was a big issue for me and also seemed to make sense, especially as someone who was involved in competitive baseball. Since my pro baseball career ended when I was twenty five and because I’ve done quite a bit of personal growth work over the past fifteen years, I erroneously believed that I’d evolved past spending or wasting much of my time and energy being jealous of others.
However, this past week has been a humbling (yet liberating) reminder of how jealous and competitive I can still be. Through a series of intense conversations with a few of my good friends, I realized that much of the conflict and judgment that shows up in my relationships with them (and others) has to do with me being overly competitive with them, although I’m not usually aware of it or honest about it. I get really jealous, but often pretend that I don’t. Can you relate?
We live in a very competitive culture and are trained to compete from the time we’re young (with siblings, classmates, teammates, and more) and then as we get out into the “real world” we often continue to compete with family members, friends, co-workers, and others, especially in our professional lives. We’re even taught that this is a good thing to do and essential for success. This obsession with competition has us relate to life as a game we’re trying to win and to the people around us as our “competitors,” even if they’re the people we love and care about most.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to “win” whatever “games” we play in life. The problem is that due to our own insecurity, we often focus on beating others or think that other people’s success, talent, or even their happiness has something to do with us. In other words, we often root against the fulfillment of other people, so we can feel better about ourselves or try to show others up and dominate them as a way to feel superior. This is very natural, but quite counter-productive, stressful, and ultimately hurtful.
There is both negative competition and positive competition. Negative competition, which most of us are more familiar with, is based on an adolescent notion that when we win we’re “good” and when we lose we’re “bad.” It’s all about being better than or feeling inferior to others – based on certain, external factors, results, and accomplishments. No one really ever truly “wins” in this scenario.
Positive competition is about challenging ourselves, pushing ourselves, and allowing the talent, skill, and support of others to help take us to the next level, go deeper, and get the most out of our potential. When we compete in this positive and conscious way, it’s beautiful, important, and healthy – and it has nothing to do with our true value as human beings. In other words, we aren’t “better” or “worse” based on how we perform or who wins.
Of course there are times when we will win and times when we will lose, and while there is a real impact to the results or lack thereof that we produce in life – living our life as if it’s a competition with everyone around us is incredibly stressful, not very authentic, and a recipe for disaster in most cases.
When we’re willing to let go of the ideas and decisions we made as kids and teenagers about who we are, what’s important, and what makes us “successful” or a person of “value,” we can step into a more authentic, adult, and healthy version of positive competition that can truly empower and inspire us, and help us grow to new heights and depths in our relationships, our work, and our lives.
Who do you compete with in your life in an unhealthy or negative way? What’s underneath that competition? Will you let it go? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more below.
Mike–
You hit my nail on the head with this one. Something I am trying to be more conscious about every waking moment, both for myself and for the messages I’m giving to my 9th grade, soccer-playing daughter. Thanks for summarizing so succinctly and for pointing out ways to effect change.
you must have written the other clipping I
have on the side of my desk about
Be Real, Not Right
-why do I have to be right with this situation?
-what am I afraid will happen if I give up my righteous position
-what is it that I really want from this person or in this situation
-what are the underlying emotions that I have not been willing or able to express
-what would it take for me to let go of being right with this person or this situation
You’re certainly right that there is a lot of competition and jealousy in our society. I believe this results largely from our capitalist system, which places a huge emphasis on winning and losing. I’ve seen a difference in the level of competitiveness, for example, between the US and some Third World countries like Nicaragua, where people must depend on each other to survive. I also think that women in the US have historically been less affected by competition – in fact, their role has been to nurture and promote supportive relationships – although this is less true today.
You don’t mention another alternative to “positive” or “negative” competition, which is a system in which we are ALL PARTNERS, COOPERATING to create a better world. When I see every other person as a partner, I can appreciate the talents and skills they bring, and I lose any jealousy I may have been inclined to feel.
You are unusually honest! And not only that, you have a rare ability to thoughtfully analyze not only what you feel, but why. Thank you for sharing so bravely and openly. It helps all of us in our own quest for growth.
I am using this article along with “The difference between positive and negative competition” to teach my twin sons how to compete. I aim to counteract their sibling rivalry in this way. Thank you. I can already see them giving consideration to one another that they were not giving before. Since I am an ELA teacher, I will be incorporating both articles in a character-building lesson for future courses. Thank you for your thoughtful consideration and for sharing these fruitful revelations.
There is one competition that never ends. The one, with yourself. And that one Iˋve lost several times, and will lose it again, in the future.