I am not a huge fan of disappointment.
When I disappoint someone or disappoint myself, it can often lead me to feeling sadness, anger, and even shame.
How do you feel about disappointment?
Recently, I’ve been quite disappointed by some important people in my life and, in turn, they’ve been disappointed (and annoyed) with me.
As I’ve been noticing my strong reaction to these situations, I realize how I spend time focusing on doing everything I can not disappoint others while at the same time protecting myself against being disappointed.
Can you relate to this?
Don’t Let Disappointment Set You Up For Failure.
When we focus on trying not to disappoint others or worrying that people will disappoint us, we set ourselves up for failure.
And, as I’ve seen recently, this makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to speak our truth, be ourselves, and live with authenticity and peace.
Disappointment can have all sorts of adverse effects but it can also be a positive thing.
It’s essential for us to be able to overcome our fear of disappointment and learn how we can use disappointment to our advantage. This way, we can embrace it and learn from every disappointing experience.
Why Not Embrace Disappointment?
What if we embraced disappointment instead of avoiding it?
Disappointment usually isn’t fun, but we don’t have to avoid it. It can actually teach us a great deal. It can play a significant role in our emotional development and can help us on the road to achieving our goals.
We will inevitably disappoint people, especially when we authentically live our lives. Speaking up, going for the things that are important to us, and being true to ourselves are all things that at times won’t align with others and, in some cases, may even upset them.
However, we can be mindful and aware of others and still be true to ourselves – these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Asking for what we want, counting on others, and trusting people – all of which are essential for healthy, fulfilling, and authentic relationships – make us vulnerable to being disappointed and even hurt by the people around us.
So what?
Disappointment is an Essential Part of Our Growth
Disappointment helps us grow, learn, and improve.
We end up getting more hurt and disappointed in the long run by withholding our desires and expectations. So we might as well live out loud and be honest about how we feel, what we want, and what’s important to us.
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
Dr. Suess
Disappointment, as uncomfortable and even painful as it can be for many of us, is essential on our journey of growth, self-discovery, and authenticity.
Being okay with disappointing others allows us the freedom to be ourselves in an authentic way. It also takes away the pressure and stress we often feel about always having to do, say, or be a certain way.
Letting go of our fear of being disappointed by other people gives us the ability to take more risks and ask for what we truly want.
When we embrace disappointment, we create a sense of liberation and space that frees us up to be who we are and let go of our attachment and obsession with other people’s opinions. Of course, doing this isn’t always easy, but it can be transformational.
The Benefits of Disappointment
It makes you grateful.
When you experience disappointment, it can help make you feel more grateful for what you have. Whether you disappoint someone or someone disappoints you, it helps you better understand and appreciate the things you have in life, the people who have your back, and the fact that you can overcome anything.
It helps you learn.
When you experience disappointment, it can be a great way to learn a valuable lesson. In addition, you can use the experience as a guide to help you deal with similar situations in the future.
It motivates you.
Once you overcome feeling disappointment, it can help motivate you to grow and learn from your mistakes.
It makes you more resilient.
Resilience helps us recover and move on from difficulties, face challenges, and grow stronger each time we experience stress or pressure. When we go through a disappointment, it helps us grow, adapt, and make goals to become better in the future.
How to Embrace Disappointment
Here are a few things you can consider and do to expand your ability to embrace disappointment:
Take inventory of your life and relationships.
Take an honest look at some of the most important relationships and activities in your life. How many of your actions, thoughts, conversations, and more (or lack thereof) have to do with your avoidance of disappointing others or being disappointed?
Be honest and take responsibility.
As you notice areas, situations, and people in your life where fear of disappointment is present, see if you can tell the truth about it in a vulnerable way to the people involved. For example, you may say to a friend, “I want to ask you for this favor, but I’m a little scared to do so because I’m worried you will say ‘no’ which might disappoint me” (or something to that effect). Take responsibility for how you feel and remember that your issue with disappointment is all about you, not them.
Practice saying “no.”
Saying no is a great practice, especially for those of us “people pleasers” who find ourselves saying “yes” to stuff we don’t want to do. While there is an astonishing amount of value in being someone willing to say “yes” in life, there is also a great deal of power in owning our “no” as well. See if you can practice saying “no” to people, even if it’s scary or uncomfortable. Be authentic and vulnerable about it – with yourself and others. And see if you can expand your capacity to decline requests of things you don’t want to do and make peace with yourself about it.
Be Kind to Yourself
As you delve into this, be kind to yourself. Showing yourself kindness is a big one for me and so many people I know and work with.
We all want to be loved, valued, and appreciated in our lives. And, most of us have had painful experiences of disappointment in the past, which have profoundly impacted us. However, if we can alter our relationship to disappointment – we can grow stronger and transform our lives and relationships in a beautiful way!
Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.
I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.
Liked this post? Here are three more!
Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?
Prioritizing Our Mental Health
Get Back Up When You Fall Down: How to Overcome Failure
This article was published on August 10, 2009, and has been updated for 2021.
Hey Mike,
Again this week, you have been channeling my life in your blog! Last week, I had this very important presentation, worked on it for several weeks and was feeling very positive about the whole thing. The first group of trainees were very responsive and all seemed to go over well with the group on what was expected of them to do. I was feeling very proud and excited of how well it went.
The second group was very combative to the point that I didn’t get to start my presentation until the middle of the allotted time of the training session. These people were rude, arrogant and did not want to hear anything I had to say, regardless of whether it affected them or not.
With their actions, I was taken aback because I was just presenting what was asked of me to do and was not even dreaming of coming up with such opposition. I felt like a complete failure, disappointed at the lack of respect that was given to me and disappointed in myself for letting it get so out of hand and not handling myself stronger.
I went home and cried for several hours, not really for what was said or done, but the disappointment I felt after all the hard work and innovation that was put into this project, the disappointment of having to even be in this position at my work and the disappointment of the negative actions other humans bestow on one another.
Thanks for your blog this week! I am so glad that you share what is going on with you and your thoughts.
With Gratitude,
Stephanie
Hi Mike,
I appreciate this opportunity to share what I have learned about disappointment in life and what I feel like it means verses what it really reflects.
Your words were,“Embracing disappointment instead of avoiding it,” I get that this is a way to help manage the strong feelings that can be crippling in our reactions and stifling in our self-expressions. Anything you are experiencing authentically processes more quickly than if you try to protect yourself from it and blunt the pain by some false means or rationalization.
I learned a way to understand and move through disappointment from a book by Kim Klaver called, “If My Product’s So Great, How Come I Can’t Sell It?” The following are my words as I understand the idea from Ms. Klaver.
When you walk into a room and someone calls your name, you look up. Or maybe you hear people across the room mentioning your child’s name or your business or your sport or anything that interests you. Don’t you look up? Why? Because what they mentioned is ON YOUR RADAR.
Now, when someone says, “no, not interested,” to me in a business situation, I get that what I’m telling them about is not even on their radar. If it was, there would be a different conversation. Answering skepticism or a price objection? Any legitimate objection can be faced, taken care of, answered. But, there is no comeback for when your idea or invitation is not even on a person’s radar. So, being disappointed isn’t even relevant here. What is important is to realize that you just had no idea what was on their radar, or not on their radar.
This idea helps me understand that, when someone disappoints me, we probably are not on the same page to begin with. Most likely, their views and thoughts I have only IMAGINED to be in agreement with mine and the rejection of an idea or even of me personally is just the evidence needed to show that we are not on the same page.
Whether it is my daughter behaving in a way I don’t care for, a business prospect not reacting the way I had hoped, or my husband not wanting to continue with our marriage, these are disappointments and I am affected by them. But, if I really look and tell myself the truth, their vision wasn’t mine to begin with. A tough thought to swallow but, it helps me deal with the disappointment. I take responsibility for that disappointment and can learn from it, moving forward.
On the positive side, I find it much easier to build my business if I recognize that I am speaking with someone who has been looking for my product. It is already on their radar. So, rather than try to convince a person that they SHOULD use my product or benefit from my company, I just look for people who are already looking for what we can offer. They are already open.
Hopefully this insight will translate into my personal relationships and I will someday find the emotional connection that will lead to a great relationship because values and attractions on my radar will match with that certain someone. But until then, I am clear that it isn’t so much about my disappointment as it is getting additional information to more accurately reflect what is really on another person’s radar. This helps.
Thanks for all you do,
Jodi
This article really hit home with me. I am having to deal with disappointing an elderly customer who is personally asking for money from me. I had taken a few days to think about this and part of me wanted to try putting money together for her. After some thought I do not want to jeopardize my job and being deceitful to my family. I also do not have the extra money to give to this person. Thanks for the great article.
Not only are your Appreciation in Action items so beneficial to me but now that I am reading your blog contributor’s thoughts I am finding your work even more valuable.
I feel somewhat bombarded lately by friends and acquaintances who are involved in multi-level marketing ventures. I find myself avoiding calls, not returning calls and being annoyed that they have changed the nature of our friendship. I am very disappointed in them for their sales approach and in myself for being such a wuss and not simply telling them I am not interested–what they are offering is ‘not on my radar screen’, as Jodi would say.
Thank you for your thought provoking work, Mike.
Dear Pat,
I only just read your response and appreciate your taking a moment to commment. Personally, that was my biggest fear in beginning a network marketing distribution business. I was afraid that people would think of me only in one way and forget how else they know me.
In the beginning, that’s how it was for me because I was so naively excited about my business that I babbled on about it and didn’t understand why EVERYONE didn’t see what I saw.
Then I began to doubt myself and have not worked full out on my business until I was able to understand coming from a place of contribution. Listening to where people are first, hearing their issues and finding out if they are open to a possible solution. Just telling people something is not effective unless you know they have a desire to know.
Thanks again for speaking,
Jodi
Hi! 🙂
I read this post/mail just now. But it came to me at very very right time. Just a few days ago I had a very big issue about trust and disappointment. And being disappointed and feeling as if I should do some things I don’t really feel like doing, because I felt as if I disappoint others, if I don’t do these things.
I feel more and more that the better way at these moments from now on will be that I will tell my truth. If I don’t want to do these things, I will say so and I will ask others to help me and do some things by themselves, not me doing things for others while not wanting to or not having time for that.
Thank you for sharing the wisdom 😀
Best wishes,
Kristi
I agree with every factor that you have pointed out. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts on this. Tips in Dealing with Disappointments
Thanks !
Wow this was a stupid article
You know what really helps you achieve your goals
Not being a total disappointment
Actually doing a good job
Gives all the benefits of failing and trying again without the drawbacks of failing because you skip that part
Hard lesson, but worth it