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Do you struggle with control?
If you are anything like me and many people I know, letting go of control might be a challenge.
I had a simple but profound experience in the swimming pool a while back – learning to float on my back for the first time in my life. I do know how to swim and enjoy being in the water, but for some reason, I never was able to figure out how to float on my back when I learned to swim as a kid, and as an adult, it hasn’t been something that has come up as an issue in my life.
Thanks to the help of a friend who coached me, I was able to let go and allow the water to support me. It felt scary at first, but it was an incredibly liberating and relaxing experience once I figured it out. As I was floating there in the pool, I had many thoughts, feelings, and insights – the biggest of which had to do with my obsession with controlling things and my struggle with letting things go.
Would you consider yourself very controlling, moderately controlling, or not controlling at all? Control is an issue that can get in our way – especially in the most important (and stressful) areas of life and work.
3 Things That Make Letting Go Difficult
To understand why letting go of control may be hard for us, we must take a look at the underlying causes.
Many beliefs and experiences can lead us to hold on tight and feel the need to control others, situations, circumstances, money, communications, our team, workflow, details, our work environment, and various other aspects of our lives.
However, here are three things that are usually underneath our controlling tendency:
- Fear: We worry that things won’t turn out, we will get hurt, bad things will happen, etc.
- Unworthiness: We don’t feel as though we deserve support, help, or for things to go our way.
- Lack of Trust: We’re scared to let go, count on others, and believe that things will be okay without us managing every aspect of the situation, relationship, conversation, etc.
When it comes to leadership and teamwork, specifically, it’s essential to trust those around you. Because if you don’t trust your team, you will lose control.
What does being controlling cost us?
There is a huge cost associated with control. This negative impact is not only on us and our well-being but also on those we love, the people we work with, and everyone around us.
Here are some of the biggest costs:
- Joy
- Peace
- Freedom
- Energy
- Creativity
- Support
- Ease
- Connection
- Love
- Collaboration
How can we expand our capacity to let go of control?
There are many things we can do to let go of control. With compassion for ourselves, it’s important to remember that this is a process and something (especially for some of us) that may not come all that easy.
Many of us have been literally “trained” (directly or indirectly) to be controlling, and in specific environments and situations (at work and home), being controlling has been encouraged or seemed necessary for our survival and the survival of those around us.
That being said, here are some things you can do and think about to expand your capacity to let go of control in a positive and liberating way:
Be honest with yourself.
Make an authentic assessment of how control shows up for you. It probably varies a bit for you (as it does for most of us), but at the same time, we all have certain tendencies, especially in the most critical and stressful areas of our lives. With empathy and honesty, take a look at where, how, and why you hold on tight to control in whatever way you do. Be honest with yourself about what this costs and how it impacts you and those around you.
Ask yourself, “Am I willing to let go of control?”
This is an important question to ponder and to answer honestly. In some cases and situations, the answer to this question may be “no.” It’s important to honor that if that’s the case for you. And at the same time, the more willing you are to ask and answer this question, the more likely you are to start letting go of control consciously (assuming it is something you’re genuinely interested in doing). You may not know how to do it or what it would look like, but authentic willingness is always the first step in positive change.
Consider who could support you.
Getting support is one of the most important (and often most vulnerable) aspects of letting go of control. Even though we sometimes feel like we’re all alone, that no one “gets it,” or that we couldn’t possibly make ourselves vulnerable enough to ask for help (especially in certain areas of life), it’s challenging to let go of control without the support of other people.
The irony of asking for help is that many of us don’t feel comfortable doing so and fear it makes us seem weak or needy. And on the flip side, most of us love to be asked for help and enjoy helping others. We can’t do it alone! The good news is that we usually have lots of people in our life who would jump at the chance to support us – if we were just willing to ask for their help.
Surrender.
Surrendering, which is the bottom line of letting go of control, doesn’t mean giving up or not caring, it means trusting and allowing things to be taken care of by others, by the process, and by the Universal Intelligence governing life – some call this God, some call this Spirit, some don’t call it anything, but most of us have an experience of it at some level.
Surrendering is about consciously choosing to trust and have faith. It is something that can liberate us in a profound way and is all about us choosing to let go. And while it’s important to trust ourselves, sometimes it’s even more important to surrender and trust that things will work out – in one way or another.
When we look back on our lives in hindsight, we usually see that “things happen for a reason.” What if we lived in the present moment with this same hindsight awareness?
Letting go of control is about loosening our grip, allowing ourselves to be supported, and trusting that things will turn out as they are meant to. Is this easy? Not usually. However, as we practice this and expand our capacity to let go, we’ll be able to release and transform a good amount of unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety from our lives, our work, and our relationships.
Letting go of control helps you grow as a leader, a team member, and, most importantly, a human being.
Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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This article was originally published on September 6, 2012 and updated for 2022.
Embracing our emotions can be challenging. When it comes to finding healthy ways to feel and even express our anger, specifically, the stakes can feel even higher. We often think of anger as something to be ashamed of, avoided, or hidden.
However, learning how to feel and express our anger in healthy ways is an important part of our emotional development. It makes us better leaders, better partners, better parents, and better people.
Although anger is an intense emotion that can be challenging for us to embrace, there can be real value in giving ourselves more freedom to tap into it. Anger can sometimes motivate us to say things we need to say and help us dig deep enough to have those important, sweaty-palmed conversations that are long overdue and can be easy to avoid.
(Are you avoiding a difficult conversation? Read this post next)
Good vs. Bad Emotions
First, let’s talk about what we deem “good” emotions versus those, like anger or jealousy, that we tend to see as “bad.”
Keep in mind, while we may be experiencing certain emotions in a negative context, that doesn’t mean any emotion is inherently good or bad. Instead, emotions become problematic when we suppress them and don’t feel them authentically. After all, we’ve been trained to suppress our emotions and in service of being “professional,” “grown-up,” or “appropriate.” This can sometimes mean we can get stuck and unable to feel or express our true emotions.
Many of us have been conditioned to keep our feelings under wraps. Things like our age, gender, race, background, and other factors often play a role in how much space we feel we have to express our emotions. For example, many men in Western society are socialized to “be strong” and not show weakness, which can make it harder for us to embrace our emotions—especially those seen as negative. Alternatively, many people who self-identify as being a member of one or more non-dominant groups, may not feel safe enough to express their true feelings for fear of retribution, isolation, or even violence.
When we don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions, they can start to control us. We may find ourselves lashing out in anger or freezing up when we’re feeling overwhelmed with sadness. In these cases, our emotions are no longer serving us—they are running our lives.
Passing Emotions vs. States
It’s also worth mentioning there’s a difference between feeling an emotion and living in that state. Emotions come and go, and feeling a certain way is different than being that way.
For example, when we say “I’m feeling mad,” as opposed to “I’m mad,” it makes it more about the passing emotion and less about living in a state of anger. Not to mention, anger is often a secondary emotion. The truth is, bursts of anger can really be unresolved hurt and disappointment, or underlying sadness or fear. But embracing the emotions you’re feeling in that moment can help you get to the root of what’s causing you to feel that way in the first place. Feeling these feelings is also what can stop us from becoming them.
In short, all of our emotions are valid and worth exploring—even the ones we don’t enjoy. So, how do we do that? How can we start to embrace our anger and other challenging emotions in a healthy way?
Here are some of my favorite ways to do so…
- Give yourself permission to be angry
- Write an anger letter (read more about anger letters in this post about the power of forgiveness)
- Practice visualization
- Journal
- Do healthy productive things to get the anger out physically in a conscious way (beat on pillows, yell in a secluded environment, exercise)
To learn more about these strategies for embracing emotions, check out my entire podcast episode on the importance of embracing emotions.
Emotions and Leadership
If you’re in a leadership role, keep in mind that great leaders provide a safe space for their team to express their emotions. Just imagine what it could mean for your team if people could express their true feelings in mature and genuine ways. It takes quite a bit of emotional intelligence and maturity to hear and receive someone’s anger and not react to it. But when you demonstrate this skill as a leader, it helps establish a psychologically safe environment in which people can share openly without judgment or fear.
Do you find it hard to feel and express certain emotions? What can you do to allow yourself to tap into anger and other hard emotions in an authentic and liberating way? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
Here are three more to read next:
I tend to take myself a bit too seriously at times, especially when I get stressed, irritated, or scared. How about you?
I’ve noticed that sometimes taking myself too seriously not only makes me less effective in dealing with a difficult situation, but it also causes the difficulty itself, or at the very least exacerbates it.
In these low moments, it’s easy for me to become self-important and to think that the weight of the world is on my shoulders (which is often a bit of an overreaction and rarely helpful).
Here’s Why It’s Important Not to Take Ourselves Too Seriously
When we take ourselves less seriously, we’re able to see the humor in situations, find the silver lining when things don’t go how we want them to, and navigate through the ups and downs of life a bit easier.
Many of us underestimate how important finding the humor in things is.
Here’s an example.
A number of years ago, I was in the airport in Seattle. I was eating pizza and maneuvering my food around my temporary front tooth. I was in the sixth-month process of getting an implant tooth replacement and had to use a temporary at this time.
I took a normal bite of my pizza without thinking about it. The next thing I knew, I looked down, and the temporary tooth had fallen out of my mouth and into my left hand.
Oh my God, it’s 7 p.m., and I have to speak at 9 a.m. I’m in Seattle, and I now have a missing front tooth. What the heck am I going to do?
Valid question, right?
With the tooth in my pocket and my mouth shut tight, I got my bag and made my way to my hotel as fast as possible. I was pretty freaked out. Thankfully, my dentist, Shaya, happens to be a friend of mine whom I’ve known since middle school.
I was able to call her that night and tell her what had happened. She told me not to worry and to put the tooth in some water to soak. After that, I needed to find a drugstore and call her back. Luckily there was one just around the corner from my hotel.
I called Shaya back as I walked into the store with my heart racing. She directed me to find the aisle with denture adhesive and told me which one to pick. I followed the instructions on the box and did what Shaya told me to do the following morning: stick the false tooth back into my mouth using the denture adhesive.
It worked.
I took a few deep breaths, said a prayer, and went down to the hotel ballroom to deliver my keynote speech.
As I was speaking, I could hardly pay attention because I was so preoccupied with my tooth, how I sounded, and my fear of what might happen.
During a discussion session I initiated during the keynote, I looked around and watched everyone talking in pairs as I had invited them to do.
I thought, “this situation is so ridiculous that it’s funny. I hope my tooth doesn’t fall out, but if it does, these people won’t forget me or my speech anytime soon. It would make a great story.” I laughed to myself, gathered the group’s attention, and went on.
While I decided not to let the audience know what was going on inside my mouth (and my head), I was able to embrace the ridiculousness of the situation and not take it so seriously.
Thankfully, my tooth stayed in my mouth, and the speech went well. I was able to make it back home and then back to my dentist’s office the next day without too much embarrassment. A few months later, I got my permanent implant, and, thankfully, I don’t have to worry about my tooth coming out anymore.
How Often Do You Add Unnecessary Stress to Your Life?
There are clearly times in life and specific circumstances that are genuinely serious. However, far too often, we add unnecessary stress, pressure, and negativity to situations with our attitude of “seriousness.”
One of the best things we can do is laugh—at ourselves, the situation, or in general. It’s important for us to allow ourselves to experience the moment as it is and bring some levity if we can.
As Emily Saliers from the Indigo Girls said, “You have to laugh at yourself because you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.”
Laughter is important on many levels. It helps shift our perspective and alter our mood. Research shows that it also has quite a positive impact on our physiology—relaxing our muscles, boosting our immune systems, releasing endorphins, decreasing stress hormones, and increasing blood flow to the heart.
I’m not advocating that we laugh ourselves into denial or avoid dealing with the serious aspects of our lives. As we all know, sometimes laughter can be used as a way of deflecting or in other unhealthy and harmful ways.
However, being able to bring lightness, levity, and laughter into our lives and relationships in an authentic and healthy way is one of the best things we can do to take care of ourselves and keep things in perspective.
Teeth will fall out. All kinds of frustrating things (both big and small) will occur in your life—find the humor in the situation, and your outlook will change.
In other words…don’t take yourself too seriously.
Do you take yourself too seriously at times? How can you practice finding the humor in things when you’re stressed? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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- This, Too, Shall Pass
- The Power of Patience
- Keep Your Head in the Clouds and Your Feet on the Ground
This article was originally published on April 23, 2014, and updated for 2022.
This, too, shall pass.
It is a saying we hear often. People will say it to us when we are going through something difficult, and while there is profound truth and wisdom in this mantra, it can also be tricky.
We must be careful about when and how we say this phrase to others and how we think about it ourselves, especially these days.
So, how can we embrace this in an authentic way amidst our own challenges right now?
How Can We Embrace “This, Too, Shall Pass?”
A big part of embracing “this, too, shall pass” is reminding ourselves that good and bad times don’t last. We can surrender to life’s ebbs and flows, including when we go through something difficult and when we go through something great.
The tricky thing about this phrase, though, is that it sometimes minimizes the experiences that people have.
People go through many challenges and difficulties throughout their lives, and it’s essential to be mindful of this. It’s also important not to compare our challenges, pain, or suffering to what other people are going through.
Imagine someone who is sick or has lost someone close to them. Telling the person that “this, too, shall pass” can be insensitive. It may not speak to the challenge or pain of the moment they’re experiencing.
“This, too, shall pass” is similar to the common saying that “everything happens for a reason” or that “there’s always a silver lining.” While it’s all true, saying these things to people doesn’t often support them or honor their experience.
Remember to be Mindful
We must be mindful when we say these phrases to others – and ourselves. It’s critical to acknowledge the difficulty and challenge of particular experiences with empathy.
We’ve all been through painful things and figured out how to get through them. None of us have been through a global pandemic before, and we are just now beginning to really deal with the impact and difficulties it had on our lives, culture, and economy.
What Can You Control?
Experiences teach us things, and while we can’t control everything in life, what we can control is how we show up.
There are really only two things we can control – our attitude and our effort. Everything else is out of our control.
We’ve all made it through and survived 100 percent of the challenges we’ve endured up to this point in our lives.
We’re All in This Together
Our world has gone through unbelievable stress, challenge, difficulty, war, change, and more throughout history.. But through our adaptability, resilience, grit, and good fortune, we as individuals, families, communities, a nation, and the world have figured out how to overcome these challenges. This doesn’t mean there’s no loss, pain, or impact, but we do know how to get through hard times.
It’s important to acknowledge that life is often an emotional rollercoaster, it’s also critical to allow ourselves to feel the emotions and trust that they will pass – that we will get through it. It doesn’t mean we know exactly when we will get through it, but that’s all a part of the process.
Remembering that we’re all in this together and that this, too, shall pass are two essential things we can hold onto in the midst of everything going on. Remembering how strong and resilient we are and knowing that we will get through whatever we are dealing with are essential things for us to focus on as we navigate any challenge we face.
How do you work your way through challenging times? What can you do to support others going through difficulties? Feel free to leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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In the wake of some of the recent events in the world and in light of so much of what we’ve all been through the past few years, I’ve been finding it challenging to focus on the good stuff, even though this is at the core of my approach to life and what I teach.
As I’ve been looking at this more deeply, I realize that my commitment is not necessarily to be “positive,” but to be a force for good in the world, regardless of the circumstances.
When facing challenges, I think it’s important to ask ourselves, “who do I want to be in the face of these difficulties?”
Being a force for good doesn’t mean we have to be happy or always find the silver lining. It’s more about making a commitment to ourselves and to those around us that we’ll be part of the solution instead of simply commenting on or adding to the problems themselves.
Doing this allows us to overcome challenges and obstacles and turn problems into life lessons with positive outcomes.
When the issues we’re facing are geo-political, societal, or have to do with natural disasters (as has been the case in recent years), it can often seem overwhelming.
However, how we show up, communicate, and respond to what’s happening around us in the world can have a significant and positive impact when we commit to being a force for good.
How to be a Force for Good
Here are a few things we can do or think about in this regard right now:
1) Look for ways you can help.
Fred Rogers, one of my childhood heroes, famously said, “When I was a boy, and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping’.”
He’s right – and I always try to remember this myself.
In addition to looking for the helpers (and appreciating and honoring them), we can all be helpers in both big and small ways.
Whether we donate money, make phone calls, post, or reach out and share our good thoughts and prayers, there are always ways to help.
And being of service not only helps those we assist directly, but it’s also a way to act as a force for good, no matter the situation.
2) Be proactive with your complaints.
There are two types of complaints – idle complaints (when we whine and moan about how bad things are) and proactive complaints (when we take issue with something and proactively bring it to the attention of those who can potentially do something about it).
An excellent example of this here in our country is contacting our elected representatives – at the national, state, and local level.
Whether we voted for them or not, they work for us. Picking up the phone, writing a letter, sending an email, or posting on social media directly to one of our elected representatives and letting them know how we feel about something specific is a way we can influence change and be proactive with our complaints.
Sitting around and talking about how awful something is, which is understandable and common, especially these days, doesn’t usually make things better. But proactive complaints can be the catalyst for positive and productive change in many situations.
3) Don’t get caught up in the drama.
Over the past few years, I’ve been getting caught up in the constant drama of the daily headlines and news. It’s easy to do, especially given all that has been happening in our country and our world.
However, this usually doesn’t feel great or allow us to be a real force for good. While I think many good journalists are doing essential and courageous work, the media as a whole is set up right now to get our attention and do whatever they can to have us watch, click, and then buy what they’re advertisers are selling.
The news often leads with shock, drama, fear, and outrage, since these things grab us emotionally and get our attention. We must be mindful of how we engage the news and the media.
This constant fear/drama cycle often leads us to feel upset, discouraged, or even depressed. Sometimes the best thing we can do is unplug and look for ways to help.
4) Speak up with authenticity.
There are lots of important things going on around us these days that are calling us to speak up.
Speaking up is an important thing to do. It takes a lot of courage and can be a specific way for us to be a force for good. However, we must be authentic when we speak up.
I define authenticity as honesty – self-righteousness + vulnerability.
It’s important to be honest, but we must also remove our self-righteousness and add vulnerability (emotional exposure, risk, and uncertainty).
We can have a real impact if we’re willing to speak up authentically.
5) Focus on gratitude.
During challenges and difficulties, it’s sometimes hard to focus on gratitude. But it’s also so essential for us to do.
When we see people suffering, we can honor and support them by both acknowledging their pain and at the same time being grateful for our own blessings.
Being grateful isn’t mutually exclusive with wanting to support and be of service to those who are in need. Even during challenging times, there is always so much we can appreciate.
Even though there have been a lot of challenges, pain, loss, and trauma in our country and our world recently, we always have a choice as to how we’re going to show up, what we’re going to do, and who we’re going to be in the face of all of this.
To paraphrase the Greek philosopher, Epictetus, “Circumstances don’t define us, they reveal us.”
Our friends, co-workers, teammates, family members, and the people in our communities benefit most when we show up as authentically as we possibly can and do our best to be a true force for good.
What can you do to be a force for good right now? Share your thoughts, feelings, and insights about this here below.
Mike Robbins is the author of five books, including his latest, We’re All in This Together: Creating a Team Culture of High Performance, Trust, and Belonging. He’s a thought leader and sought-after speaker whose clients include Google, Wells Fargo, Microsoft, Schwab, eBay, Genentech, the Oakland A’s, and many others.
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This article was published in 2017 and has been updated.