Mike Robbins

Infusing Life and Business with Authenticity and Appreciation

Archives for July 2024

Resolving Conflict

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How do you feel about conflict?

Many of us struggle with conflict resolution. We find creative ways to avoid conflicts or even get scared to initiate or engage in conversations that may result in a conflict. Whether we’re comfortable with conflict or not, it’s a part of life, relationships, and work – and always will be.

When we look at conflict more deeply, we realize that it is a vital aspect of growth, change, and every important relationship in our life. The pain, suffering, and stress caused by conflict doesn’t usually come from the conflict itself, it comes from our avoidance of it or inability to deal with it effectively.

Many of us don’t know how to resolve conflict because we have not been trained to engage in conflict resolution in a healthy, productive, and authentic way. This lack of guidance and experience often leads us to avoid conflict altogether or, when we do engage, we end up focusing on protecting ourselves, simply trying to ‘win,’ or both.

The more we embrace and embody authenticity, the more effectively we’re able to engage in and resolve conflict in an honest and successful way. Here are some important components of conflict resolution for us to remember and practice.

Tips on Resolving Conflict

1) Take responsibility

It always “takes two to tango.” Taking responsibility is not about being at fault or blaming the other person. It’s about owning up to the situation and recognizing that we’re a part of the issue.

2) Address the conflict directly

Conflicts are best resolved when addressed head-on and without delay. Approach the issue with honesty and openness, and tackle it as soon as it arises—don’t let it linger and grow.

3) Seek first to understand

As challenging as it can be, the best approach in any conflict situation is to listen with as much understanding, compassion, and empathy as possible, even – and especially – when we’re feeling angry or defensive. If we can understand where the other person is coming from, even if we don’t agree, we have a good chance of being able to work things out.

4) Use “I” statements

If someone does or says something and I have a specific reaction to it, that’s real. However, if I judge, generalize, or accuse someone, it’s merely my biased opinion and can provoke defensiveness if it’s communicated in a self-righteous way. It’s important to present feedback as our own personal view rather than as an objective truth.

5) Go for a win-win

Resolving conflict authentically is about making it a win-win for everyone involved. This doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gets his or her way. It does, however, mean that everyone gets heard, honored, and listened to. When and if possible, we make compromises that leave everyone empowered and in partnership.

6) Acknowledge others

Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation or a situation that involves lots of people, acknowledgement is essential to our ability to engage in productive conflict and to be able to resolve it in an authentic and effective way. Thank the other people involved in the conflict for being willing and able to engage. Thank them for their truth and bravery.

It takes real courage to engage in conflict honestly. When we acknowledge each other, operate with kindness and humility, and remember that vulnerability is the most important aspect of resolving conflicts effectively, we’re reminded that we’re in it together.

There are essentially two effective ways to handle conflicts: address them directly until they’re fully resolved (not just until we get our way) or let them go entirely (not discussing or dwelling on them). While we know how to do both, we often choose a third approach, which fails: trying to address the conflict ineffectively and then complaining to others about how right we are and how wrong the other person or situation is.

Think of some of the biggest conflicts in your life right now. Are you ready to resolve them? If so, decide whether you’re willing to let them go or not. If not, make a commitment to yourself to engage in them using these steps above and do so in an honest, genuine, and vulnerable way. Don’t wait until it’s too late – have the conversation now.

Which conflicts in your life are you willing to let go of? Which ones are you willing to address directly? Share your thoughts, ideas, commitments, and more here on my blog.

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Are You Living on Purpose?

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Are you living on purpose, or are there aspects of your life that, when you really think about it, don’t seem to have much purpose at all?

This kind of realization can be both humbling and enlightening. But taking the time to sit in this important inquiry can help lead us to a more purposeful life.

By asking yourself the right questions and really being honest with yourself, you can become aware of some of the specific places in life where you are operating unconsciously or by default, simply reacting to life as it’s “happening to you.”

It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling as though you’re a victim of your circumstances and responsibilities.

2 Distinct Aspects of Living on Purpose

As I’ve thought more about this whole concept of living on purpose, I think there are two distinct aspects of it.

  • There is “Purpose” with a capital “P,” which relates to figuring out and living true to who we are, what’s most important to us, and our larger reason for being alive.
  • Then there is “purpose” with a lower case “p,” which relates to the level of consciousness, mindfulness, and deliberateness with which we live our lives on a daily basis.

Both of these aspects of purpose are important to our overall fulfillment, yet they are distinct.

Living Our Purpose 

Living our Purpose (with a capital P) is a lot easier said than done for most of us.  First of all, we have to figure out what our Purpose is, which for some of us comes easily and early in life, and for others takes a long time. And, even for those of us who feel as though we’ve found our Purpose, it often shifts and changes as we evolve and age, sometimes in significant ways.

A good way to delve more deeply into your own Purpose is to ask the simple but important question, “If money and logistics weren’t an issue, what would I do and where would I focus my attention and energy?”

Asking and answering this simple but important question is something we can do on a regular basis, to check in with ourselves and see how true to our Purpose we’re living at any given moment in life.

Many of us struggle with the financial and practical aspects of life.  Due to this, our daily lives often don’t fully align with our Purpose. This gap between our Purpose and how we actually live is common; it doesn’t mean we’re bad or wrong (even though we may judge ourselves harshly when we think about it this way).

The size and significance of our personal gap does, however, have an impact on us – the larger the gap, the more out of alignment we may feel. The smaller the gap, the more “on purpose” we may experience our lives.  Our level of awareness of our gap, and our willingness to take action in the direction of narrowing the gap, is what will lead us to a life of deeper Purpose.

It’s also important to remember that this process is unique for each of us – there’s no right way to do it.  Living our Purpose is about acceptance, willingness, authenticity, vulnerability, and courage.  And, like most important things in life, it’s a journey, not a destination.

Living on purpose 

Living on purpose (with a lowercase p) is about how we live our lives on a daily basis.

How conscious are you?  How mindful are you?  How deliberate are you?  The answers to these questions will vary for each of us based on a variety of factors, and can even vary for most of us throughout the course of a given day, week, or month of our lives.

As fast as life seems to be moving these days, as much information and communication as we’re exposed to, and as many responsibilities as most of us have, it’s easy to let the rat race of life take over without us even being fully aware of it.

Living with purpose is a practice that involves being conscious, mindful, and deliberate in both the big and small aspects of life. It means slowing down, speaking up, taking risks, making tough choices, asking for what we want, dealing with conflicts directly, expressing our appreciation for others, taking care of ourselves, and remembering that we are the authors of our own lives. These are just a few of the many ways we can live purposefully every day.

It’s Not Always Easy

Living our Purpose and living on purpose are not easy, and in many cases, not even authentically encouraged by those around us.  There is a lot of agreement within our culture that “you have to just suck it up and take care of business,” or that life is hard, especially days and with all we’ve been through in recent years.

These types of thoughts and beliefs show up in my head on a pretty regular basis, and I hear them from people around me directly or indirectly all the time.  However, just because we have these common thoughts or beliefs, doesn’t make them true or helpful.

For us to live our Purpose and live on purpose, it takes authentic self awareness and radical courage. And, as author Susan Jeffers taught us, “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

How on purpose are you living these days?  Feel free to share your thoughts, questions, or reflections in the comments below.

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