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Are You Threatened By Other People’s Success?

Business Team LeaderMay 16, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

How do you feel when you see or hear about the success of others?  While it may depend on who it is, what they’ve accomplished, and how you’re feeling about your own life at the time – if you’re anything like me, you may have some mixed emotions.  I often find myself excited and inspired by the success of others, especially the people closest to me.  However, at the same time, I sometimes notice it can bring up feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and inferiority as well – especially when someone accomplishes or experiences something I personally want and/or worry that I can’t or won’t.

While this isn’t a new phenomenon or awareness for me and it’s not something I’m all that proud of, I’ve recently been taking a deeper and more honest look at it; seeing how it negatively impacts my life, my work, and my relationships.  It’s definitely something I’m ready to change, although I find it difficult to work through at the same time.

Growing up as a competitive athlete, I got lots of early experience and training about how to compete against others and try to beat them.  This wasn’t just about the other team, often the biggest and most intense competition was internal – with my friends and fellow teammates.  Whether it was in baseball, in school, or other areas of life, I often found myself directly or indirectly competing in a pretty intense way with those around me.

Although I’ve outgrown certain aspects of my childhood and adolescent comparison tendencies and it’s been over fifteen years since I played baseball competitively, I still find myself threatened by the success of others at times – as if we’re competing against one another or that their success takes something away from me, which in just about every case, it doesn’t.

Increased cultural obsession with comparison

While our cultural obsession with comparison and competition isn’t something new, it seems to have intensified in the past few years with the explosion of social media and how we share photos, highlights, achievements, adventures, milestones, and more with one another in such a public and prominent way.  I personally enjoy being able to celebrate in the exciting stuff happening in other people’s lives online and being able to share some of my own “good stuff” with others as well. At the same time, it can be a bit of a double edged sword, as depending on how I’m feeling about myself, my work, my body, my appearance, my relationships, my family, my future, my health, or anything else important at any given time, I can get easily “triggered” by the success of other people and end up feeling bad about myself and my life in relation to them.

On the flip side, I’ve also noticed at times when something goes really well in my life, while it may seem as though I’m simply excited about and grateful for the success, which I usually am, I also have a tendency, especially with certain people, to brag about it or to feel a sense of superiority, as if I’m somehow “better than” them.  This one is even harder to admit and confront.  And while it may seem like the opposite of insecurity, it’s actually just the opposite side of the same coin.  Heads we feel superior (better than) tails we feel inferior (less than).  Both sides of this coin are detrimental to our growth, our success, and ultimately our sense of peace, fulfillment, and joy in life.  This is a negative ego trap – and there are no true “winners” in this game.

Stopping the comparison game

What if we stopped the comparison game all together?  What if the success of others had nothing to do with us and our own success had nothing to do with anyone else?  What if we didn’t spend and waste so much of our precious time competing with the people around us (overtly or covertly) and focusing on how we “measure up” to them?

I’ve had glimpses of this in my own life at various times – although not as often as I’d like.  My own default position and a lot of the cultural training and reinforcement we get falls into the paradigm of competition/comparison.

Here are a few things to think about and practice, to step off this negative game board, and step more into your own authentic power:

1) Remember that it’s okay to feel jealous – Jealousy is one of a number of emotions we consider to be “bad.”  It’s not usually all that fun to feel or admit – it’s not sexy, cool, or exciting in the way that some other emotions are – like joy, gratitude, and love.  However, feeling jealous is part of the human experience.  There’s nothing wrong with us for feeling jealous at times, which we all do.  The biggest issue with jealousy, like with most “negative” emotions, is our denial of it.  When we pretend we don’t feel jealous (even though we actually do) it can have a negative impact on us in many ways.  As Carl Jung famously said, “What you resist persists.”  So the more we deny our feelings of jealousy, the more they end up running us.  When you notice yourself feeling jealous, admit it, feel it, and express it in some healthy and authentic way – in your journal, with a close friend, in a mediation or prayer, or just simply to yourself.  Your ability to honestly notice, feel, and express your own jealousy (or any emotion) is what gives you the power to move through it and transform its potentially negative impact, into a positive experience.

2) Look for the deeper message – When we get threatened by the success of others, there is usually a deeper message (or a number of messages) coming through that experience.  We tend to get focused on the person or accomplishment, and/or ourselves in relationship to them or it.  We tell stories in our head like, “Look at her, she always gets what she wants and it seems so easy for her – I’ll never be like that.”  Or, “Well, I know he makes a lot more money than I do, but he works so hard he’s never around for his kids.”  These types of “stories” (which are usually just damaging judgments of others or of ourselves), don’t serve us in any positive way and in fact keep us away from the deeper truth of what’s happening.  What if we looked beyond our reaction and beneath our judgment, and asked ourselves some deeper questions like, “What is it about this person’s success that has me feeling threatened?”  Or, “How can I learn from what I see in them or in what they’ve accomplished?”  Or, “What can I do to let go of my inferior (or superior) reaction to this, and more deeply trust and believe in myself and my own process?”  Asking deeper questions like this and looking for the deeper messages in our reactions to the success of others can lead us down a more real path of growth, discovery, and fulfillment.

3) Celebrate their success – A coach of mine recently said to me, “Mike, be careful about how harshly you judge other people and their paths to success.  The more judgmental you are about them and how they create their success, the more difficult you’ll make it for you to create the success you want, out of your own fear of being judged.”  Man, she hit the nail on the head with this feedback for me.  We tend to judge the success of others (and/or their process of creating success) as a smokescreen for not dealing with our own feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and/or inferiority.  What if instead of doing that (or anything else in a similarly negative, critical, or arrogant vain) we simply celebrated their success and rejoiced in it.  We often take personal offense to stuff that has nothing to do with us.  If we want something in life and someone close to us gets it, we could celebrate for them (knowing how exciting it can be when something good happens).  We could also rejoice in the fact that by being so close to people who are creating success in their lives (maybe even the same success we want) might actually be a positive sign and influence for us.  I know with certain things and certain people, this can be more challenging than others.  However, at the deepest level, when we live from a place of abundance (with the faith that there is more than enough to go around), we free ourselves from the constant stress, worry, fear, and pressure associated with living from that place of scarcity (as if their success somehow diminishes us).

Like most things in life, this is a choice.  How do you want to live?

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Life is “Brutiful”

exhibit from pompeiiApril 25, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

My wife Michelle and I recently went to see Glennon Melton speak about her new book, Carry On Warrior.  Glennon is a blogger from Florida who has a very successful blog called Momastery.com.  Her posts are read by tens of thousands of moms like Michelle (and others) around the world.  I thought I was attending the event to support Glennon’s new book and to support Michelle (since she loves what Glennon does so much).  And even though I was one of only a handful of men in the sea of a few hundred women at this event, I got so much out of it.

First of all, she’s a fantastic writer and speaker – funny, real, open, passionate, heartfelt, and inspiring.  I was inspired both personally and professionally by her presence, her talent, her humility, her message and her vulnerability.  Second of all, she kept talking about this idea that life is “Brutiful” (both brutal and beautiful at the same time).  After hearing her speak and reading her book and some of her blog posts, I started thinking about this concept of “brutiful” quite a bit.

Then the tragedy in Boston happened. I began to watch what was unfolding and feel my own intense range of emotions – the brutiful nature of life was playing itself out in a big way right in front of our eyes.  As awful as the bombings, shootings, and manhunt were (and still are), there was (and still is) so much bravery, beauty, connection, and love that has come out of everything that has happened; which is often the case when something horrible like this occurs.

While of course it’s much easier to contemplate this from afar and a completely different experience for those who were (and still are) directly impacted by the violence, I’ve been thinking more about some of the “brutal” and “beautiful” experiences of my own life and realizing that most of them have been (as most of life is) a combination of both.

My parents divorce, our financial challenges, my struggles with depression, my career ending baseball injury, the times I’ve had my heart broken in love, the deaths of my parents and some dear friends, and many other things I’ve experienced have been “brutal” in many ways – painful, sad, scary, and disappointing, among other things.  However, at the same time, each of these “brutal” experiences have also been incredibly beautiful on many levels – lots of growth, healing, discovery, and insight.  And, in addition to all that I’ve learned and gained personally from these experiences, they have also been (and continue to be) opportunities for me to connect with others and operate in life with a deeper sense of vulnerability, compassion, and openness.

There have also been lots of “beautiful” and wonderful things that have occurred in my life – getting into Stanford, playing pro baseball, marrying Michelle, having Samantha and Rosie, publishing my books, traveling to incredible places, and so much more.  And, as great as these things have been – there have also been many “brutal” aspects of each of these same things.

There are times Michelle and I look at each other in the throes of a parenting breakdown and without even saying a word our eyes say to each other, “What were we thinking?  This was a terrible idea.”

So if the most “brutal” experiences in life can also be “beautiful” and the most “beautiful” ones can also be “brutal” at times – I think Glennon is right when she says “Life is Brutiful.”  And, when we remember this, embrace it, and live with this awareness – it can create a real sense of peace, freedom, and connection with who and what matters most to us!

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Self Improvement vs. Self Acceptance

Close-up of red blood cells and germsMarch 28, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

I had the honor of meeting author Robert Holden recently when we both spoke at the Hay House IGNITE event in San Jose, CA (which was an amazing experience, by the way).  Robert is someone whom I’ve admired for quite some time.  It was wonderful to get a chance to meet him in person and hear him speak live.  In his talk, he said “There’s no amount of self improvement that can make up for a lack of self acceptance.”

This statement really struck me and as I started to think about it more, I realized that so much of my life and my work is focused on self improvement.  And while there’s nothing wrong with me or any of us wanting to improve ourselves – too often we go about it erroneously thinking that if we “achieve” the “improvement” we’re after, we’ll then feel good about ourselves.  As Robert pointed out in his talk (and most of us have experienced this in our lives many times), it doesn’t work this way.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with self improvement.  We turn on the TV, look at magazines, take classes, read books, listen to others, surf the web and more – constantly getting various messages that if we just fixed, changed, and improved ourselves a bit, we’d be better off.  How often do you find yourself thinking some version of, “If I just lost a little weight, made a little more money, improved my health, had more inspiring work, lived in a nicer place, improved my relationships (or something else), then I’d be happy.”   Even though I “know better,” this type of thinking shows up inside my own head more often than I’d like.

The paradox of self improvement is that by accepting ourselves as we are, we give ourselves the space, permission, and opportunity to create an authentic sense of success and fulfillment.  When we insatiably focus on improving ourselves, thinking that it will ultimately lead us to a place of happiness, we’re almost always disappointed and we set up a stressful dynamic of constantly striving, but never quite getting there.

What if we gave ourselves permission to accept ourselves fully, right now?  While this is a simple concept, it’s one of the many things in life that’s easier said than done.  One of the biggest pieces of resistance we have regarding self acceptance is that we erroneously think that by accepting ourselves, we may somehow be giving up.  It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Okay, I’ll accept myself, once all of my problems and issues go away.”

Another reason we resist accepting ourselves is the notion that somehow acceptance is resignation.  It’s not.  Acceptance is acceptance – it’s about allowing things to be as they are, even if we don’t like them.  As Byron Katie says (and I often quote), “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

The paradox of self acceptance is that when we allow ourselves to accept who we are, where we are, what’s really happening, qualities about ourselves, aspects of who we are, and more – we actually set ourselves up and give ourselves the opportunity to make changes, improvements, and enhancements to ourselves and our lives in an authentic way.  When we obsess about and/or demand these improvements or changes “in order to” be happy, feel good about ourselves, or think we’re successful, it almost never works.

If you take a moment right now to think about some of the most important improvements and changes you’re attempting to make in your life, ask yourself this question, “What would it look like, feel like, and be like for me to fully accept myself in these important areas of my life?”

Most of the time it’s our own self criticism, perfection demands, and impatience that are actually getting in our way of making the changes, creating the success, and experiencing the fulfillment we truly want.  What if we changed our approach and with as much love, compassion, and vulnerability as possible, just accepted ourselves exactly as we are, right now!

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Who Are You Trying to Impress?

approved!March 14, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

As I prepare to speak at the Hay House I CAN DO IT event, I’m experiencing a myriad of emotions – excitement, nervousness, gratitude, pressure, curiosity, confusion, peace, and more.  It’s thrilling and humbling to be invited to speak at an event like this with such powerful teachers and authors like Wayne Dyer and Caroline Myss, whom I’ve admired and learned from for many years.  I’ve never actually been a part of an event like this, although I’ve dreamed about it for a long time and hope this is the first of many such events I get to participate in.

And, in the midst of my excitement and gratitude, I notice that more of my attention than I’d like to admit is focused on trying to impress certain people – the other speakers, specific people in the audience, and especially the organizers of the event.  Of course I want to do well and want my talk to be both well received and to have a positive impact on all who hear it (which is always my intention when I speak).

However, the more I’ve been noticing this focus on impressing others, the more I realize that this has been a theme throughout much of my life which doesn’t really serve me.  In school, as an athlete, in business, and even now in the work that I do as an author and speaker, I have been (and will continue to be) in many situations where I’m being evaluated.  When this occurs, especially if I’m feeling nervous, insecure, and/or attached to some specific outcome, my underlying goal is often to impress anyone and everyone involved.  Maybe you can relate to this?

How often do you find yourself trying to impress others?  Whether it’s in our work, with our friends, on Facebook or Twitter, at a class reunion, at a networking event, with our family, or just in everyday life, we spend and waste a lot of time and energy trying to impress others, somehow thinking that the acknowledgment, validation, and positive perception of other people will make us feel good about ourselves and prove our value or worth in life.  As you may have noticed, this never works.

While there’s nothing wrong with us wanting to do a good job, be well received by others, and get positive feedback, when we focus on impressing people we give away our power and set ourselves up for unnecessary stress, worry, and fear.

There was a book that came out about twenty five years ago by Terry Cole-Whittaker called, What You Think About Me is None of My Business.  Such a great reminder for all of us!

What if we stopped trying to impress others, and focused more of our attention on “impressing” ourselves.  In other words, being true to ourselves, feeling good about who we are, and showing up in the most authentic way possible are all things that give us real power.  Trying to manage, control, and ultimately manipulate other people’s perceptions of us is not only exhausting, it’s pretty much impossible.

As the wise sage Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”  So true!

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There’s No Right Track

file0001992978583February 28, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

I was talking to a mentor of mine a few weeks ago and I asked him, “Do you think I’m on the right track?”  He said to me, “Mike, the issue isn’t whether or not you’re on the ‘right’ track; it’s that you think there’s a ‘right’ track to begin with.”

As we talked about this more and I began to think about it in a different way, I realized that so often I find myself striving for this insatiable “right track,” as if there’s some place I’m “supposed” to be and some outside authority who can validate it for me.

While there’s nothing wrong with us seeking guidance, feedback, and support from mentors, friends, family members, coaches, counselors, teachers, experts, and more – the deepest truth is that our deepest truth comes from within.  It seems to be less a matter of making sure we’re on the “right” track and more a matter of living in alignment with who we are and what’s most important to us.

With all of the ideas, opinions, and influences around us (and in our own heads) living in authentic alignment isn’t always the easiest thing for us to do.  Here are a few things to think about and practice to deepen your capacity for this:

1) Listen to your inner wisdom 

How many times in your life have you thought to yourself, “I should have listened to my intuition on this?”  Often in hindsight after we’ve made a mistake, had a lapse in judgment, or experienced something painful, we realize that at some level we already knew it would turn out that way, we just didn’t listen to our instincts.  Whether it shows up as a gut feeling, intuitive hit, or just a feeling, our inner wisdom is keen and important.  The more willing we are to listen to this inner wisdom and pay attention to it, the easier it becomes for us to live our lives with authenticity, truth, and alignment.

2) Trust yourself 

It’s one thing to pay attention to your inner wisdom and a whole other thing to actually trust it.  This same mentor of mine said to me a while back, “Mike you actually do trust yourself at a deep level, you just don’t trust that it’s safe to trust, which then causes you to doubt yourself.”  So often we let our brain, our logic, or the feedback of others override our deeper knowing and gut instincts.  While it’s not always easy to do, trusting ourselves and our inner guidance is essential in our journey of life and growth.  The more willing we are to listen and to trust the wisdom that comes from within; the less likely we are to give away our power to others and to the circumstances/situations of our lives.

3) Be willing to change 

Change is a funny thing in that most of us seek it and fear it simultaneously.  As much as I like to think of myself as someone who embraces change and is flexible, I often find myself quite resistant to changing.  And, one of the biggest things that can stop us from going for things, being bold, and making commitments in life is our fear of changing our minds.  Ironically, the more we embrace change the more authentically we’re able to commit and go for what we truly want.

Right now, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, however you’re feeling, and however “good” or “bad” you think you’re life is going, you’re not on the “right” or “wrong” track – you’re simply on the track you’re on (i.e. your life).  When we let go of our judgment about where we are and where we think we “should” be; we’re able to appreciate our lives, the people around us, and ourselves in a genuine way.  And, if there are changes we want to make that we believe will enhance our experience of life, we can make them from a place of truth, love, and wisdom.

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Are You Living on Purpose?

hand with targets against skyFebruary 14, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

I was recently invited to be a speaker for an upcoming online telesummit called The Power of Purpose.  While I’m honored to be a part of this program, the invitation had me pause and reflect a bit about my own life and work, and specifically ask myself the question, “Am I living on purpose?”  My initial answer was, “Yes, of course I am.”  However, as I thought about it more deeply, I could see that there are many aspects of my life and my work that aren’t “on purpose” at all.

This realization has been both humbling and enlightening.  As I’ve continued to sit in this inquiry, I’ve become aware of some of the specific places in my life where not only am I not living “on purpose,” I’m operating unconsciously or by default, simply reacting to life as it’s “happening to me.”  While I’m grateful to have work that I love, a wife and family that I adore, and so many wonderful things going on in my life – more often than I’d like to admit, it’s easy for me to fall into the trap of feeling as though I’m a victim of my circumstances and responsibilities.  Maybe you can relate to this in some way?

As I’ve thought more about this whole concept of living on purpose, I think there are two distinct aspects of it.  There is “Purpose” with a capital “P,” which relates to figuring out and living true to who we are, what’s most important to us, and our larger reason for being alive.  And, then there is “purpose” with a lower case “p,” which relates to the level of consciousness, mindfulness, and deliberateness with which we live our lives on a daily basis.  Both of these aspects of purpose are important to our overall fulfillment in life, yet they are distinct.

Living our Purpose 

Living our Purpose (with a capital P) is a lot easier said than done for most of us.  First of all, we have to figure out what our Purpose is, which for some of us comes easily and early in life, and for others of us it takes a long time (or may seem to never quite show up with true clarity).  And, even for those of us who feel as though we’ve found our Purpose, it often shifts and changes as we grow and evolve, sometimes in significant ways.

A good way to delve more deeply into your own Purpose is to ask the simple but important question, “If money and logistics weren’t an issue, what would I do and where would I focus my attention and energy?”

Asking and answering this important question is something we can do on a regular basis, to check in with ourselves and see how true to our Purpose we’re living at any given moment in life.  However, whether the answer to this question is crystal clear to us or not, most of us don’t have money and logistics handled completely and/or what we’re doing and how we’re living isn’t totally aligned with our Purpose.  This “gap” between our Purpose and how we actually live is normal; it doesn’t make us bad, phony, or weak (although we often judge ourselves this way when we think about it like this).

The size and significance of our personal gap does, however, have an impact on us – the larger the gap, the more out of alignment we may feel, the smaller the gap, the more “on purpose” we may experience our lives.  Our level of awareness of our gap and our willingness to take action in the direction of narrowing the gap is what will lead us to a life of deeper Purpose.

It’s also important to remember that this process is unique for each of us – there’s no “right” way to do it.  Living our Purpose is about willingness, authenticity, vulnerability, boldness, and courage.  And, like most important things in life, it’s a journey, not a destination.

Living on purpose 

Living on purpose (with a lowercase p) is about how we live our lives on a daily basis.  How conscious are you?  How mindful are you?  How deliberate are you?  The answers to these questions will vary for each of us based on a variety of factors, and can even vary for most of us throughout the course of a given day, week, or month of our lives.

As fast as life seems to be moving these days, as much information and communication as we’re exposed to, and as many responsibilities as most of us have, it’s easy to let the “rat race” of life take over without us even being fully aware of it.

However, living on purpose is a practice – it’s about being conscious, mindful, and deliberate with both the big and small things in life.  Slowing down, speaking up, taking risks, making tough choices, asking for what we want, dealing with conflicts directly, expressing our love and appreciation for others, taking care of ourselves, and remembering that we’re the authors of our lives are some of the many ways we can live on purpose on a regular basis.

Living our Purpose and living on purpose are not easy, and in many cases not even authentically encouraged by those around us.  There is a lot of agreement within our culture that “life’s hard or, at least, too busy,” or “you can’t really do what you love,” or “you have to just suck it up and take care of business,” and many more along these lines.  These types of thoughts and beliefs show up in my head on a pretty regular basis, and I hear them from people around me directly or indirectly all the time.  However, just because we have these common thoughts or beliefs, doesn’t make them true or helpful.

For us to live our Purpose and live on purpose, it takes authentic self awareness and radical courage.  And, as Susan Jeffers taught us all through her bestselling book, we must “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

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Nothing Changes Until You Do

KnightsJanuary 24, 2013

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.)

In a recent session with my counselor Eleanor, she said something simple, but profound to me; “Nothing changes until you do.” She went on to say, “Mike, you keep trying to control and manipulate the situations, relationships, and outcomes in your life – thinking that if they changed in the way you want them to, you’d then change and things would be better. It actually works the other way around.”

The truth of Eleanor’s feedback resonated deeply with me and I’ve been contemplating it for the past few weeks. I realize that much more of my attention than I’d like to admit is focused on my attempts to change the circumstances, situations, and people around me – instead of focusing on the only thing I can really change, me.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

We’ve all had this experience in our lives in both big and small ways. Do you ever notice how when we’re having a bad day or a rough time in life, even the people and activities we normally love, don’t bring us the same amount of joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction? On the flip side, when we’re having a great day or things are going really well in life, even people or circumstances that might normally upset or annoy us, somehow seem much more manageable and less stressful. In those simple situations, our perspective and our own internal state, has a big impact on how we experience life, not the other way around.

What if we put more attention on our own growth, change, and transformation – and less attention on trying to fix, change, and alter the people and circumstances around us? This doesn’t mean that we’d stop caring about what other people do or say. It also doesn’t mean we wouldn’t give feedback or make requests of those around us. And, we wouldn’t stop working towards specific changes, goals, and dreams related to the most important aspects of our lives – our work, our health, our finances, our family, and more.

However, by letting go of our insatiable desire to fix and change everyone and everything around us, we give ourselves the space to focus our attention on the true source of our own happiness, success, and fulfillment – ourselves!

As we come to the end of this first month of the new year, many of us are still quite focused on our intentions, goals, and resolutions for 2013. As great as the accomplishment of any specific goal may be, what we’re almost always after with our resolutions, is positive and sustainable change.

As the saying goes, “The roots create the fruits.” This means that it’s our job to focus on our own growth, development, and internal transformation – and in so doing, we put ourselves in the best possible position to create the kind of change we truly want. Nothing changes until we change!

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Love is the Answer

December 18, 2012

I have been reeling for the past few days, ever since the tragic events in Newtown, CT on Friday – such a sad and scary act of violence, hard to even comprehend.  It hits especially close to home for us, even though we’re 3,000 miles away, because our oldest daughter, Samantha, is in first grade, just like those twenty beautiful children who were killed on Friday.  Dropping Samantha and her little sister Rosie off at school yesterday morning was pretty emotional for me.  I looked at the shining faces of her first grade classmates and at the faces of the other parents, teachers, and staff members at our school, and couldn’t help but think of those people at Sandy Hook Elementary School – we are them, and they are us.

As I’ve been struggling to make sense of all of this (which I can’t), I find myself feeling somewhat similar to how I felt after 9/11.  In digging through some old emails, I found an email I sent out four days after 9/11 to my family and friends.  I didn’t have a blog back then or an email newsletter, I’m not sure if I’d even written an article of any kind.  However, in reading this email from more than eleven years ago, I was struck by how similar my thoughts and feelings are four days after the tragedy that took place in Newtown, CT.  I thought I would share it here on my blog because it encompasses much of what I feel right now as well.

(Email sent to my friends and family on September 15, 2001):

Hello,

I have had so many thoughts and feelings this past week, as I am sure we all have.  Everything from sadness, to rage, to fear, to denial, to helplessness and then back again.  I have found it very difficult to know what to do or how to feel.  I have watched hours of television coverage and listened to hundreds of people speak about what has happened and what needs to happen – it has been overwhelming and confusing to me.  I have also spent a great deal of time and energy talking to loved ones and friends as well as communicating with anyone and everyone I can by email.  I just feel like I want to reach out and touch everyone I know and love… and even those I have never met.  This whole thing has been a major wake up call for me as to what is really important.  So much of what I think about, worry about, and talk about much of the time seems quite meaningless in the face of this tragedy.

What keeps showing up in my head, in my heart, in conversations with other people, in amazing emails from friends as well as those from powerful spiritual leaders is the power of LOVE and the importance of GOD.  When it all comes down to it, that is what is truly most important to me and in life!

In the face of this horrible tragedy, we have an amazing opportunity to bring forth the power of Love and God – to tell the people that we love how important they are to us and to connect with that deep and sacred place of our own personal spiritual journey.

I think it is so important that we honor our intense emotions and truly feel them – and let others to do the same.  Even though this may be uncomfortable, especially with certain emotions – I know it is that way for me.  On the other side of all of our emotions is Love.  Love is the key to the kingdom.  Love gives us access to healing, to forgiveness, and to peace.  Love is the basis of all of our connections to one another.  And Love is the foundation of our relationship to God.

I believe that the essence of each of us is Love.  It is who we are and what we all want.  We each have an infinite amount of Love.  I have been so inspired and amazed by the incredible outpouring of love I have seen throughout our country and our world in response to this crisis.  Standing hand in hand with strangers at Glide Memorial Church and at Grace Cathedral  in San Francisco this week, I wept at the Love I felt (from and for people I didn’t even know) and at the extraordinary power of the human spirit.

This email is an expression of my love for you, your family and friends, and for the world.  Here is my prayer:

Dear God:

We pray for courage and strength as we all deal with this crisis. 

Allow us to be real and open in the face of such intense sadness and fear. 

Please bring peace and healing to all those who have been hurt, directly or indirectly, by this tragedy.

May we unite together in Love to heal ourselves, each other, and our world.

Let Peace, Forgiveness, Healing, and Love prevail.

Amen

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It’s Okay to Make Mistakes

December 11, 2012

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.) 

I was scheduled to fly to Dublin, Ireland a few weeks ago for a speaking engagement and when I got to the airport I realized I’d forgotten my passport at home.  I felt mortified and embarrassed – and then angry when I realized I wouldn’t be able to get on my flight.  After a few hours of stress and drama, I was able to get myself on another flight, which would get me to Ireland on time for my event – although it did cost me quite a bit of money and forced my wife Michelle to have to drop what she was doing and rush to the airport with my passport.

In the big scheme of things in life, it wasn’t a huge deal.  However, it really upset me and caused me to reflect on how I react to mistakes – mine and other people’s.  What I realized is that I don’t give myself or those close to me much permission to make mistakes.  While mistakes aren’t a huge issue in my life, I actually spend and waste a lot of time worrying about making mistakes, and also find myself being unnecessarily critical of those around me when they make mistakes (both overtly and covertly).

Michelle’s kind, accommodating, and empathetic response to my mistake (which ended up having a negative impact on her as well) was a great model and reminder for how I want to be when someone around me makes a mistake – helpful, loving, and compassionate.  It also reminded me that having love and compassion for myself when I make a mistake, instead of judgment and criticism, is a much healthier and more positive way to deal with mistakes.

How about you?  How do you relate to yourself and others when mistakes are made?  While it often depends on the nature of the mistake (some are bigger than others, of course), many of us tend to be hyper-critical with ourselves and those around us when it comes to errors.  And the stress, criticism, and negativity we associate with mistakes can actually cause unnecessary harm, fear, and anguish – in essence, making a difficult situation even worse.

What if we had more freedom to make mistakes and gave the people around us permission to mess things up as well?  It’s not that we’d start rooting for or expecting things to go wrong, we’d simply have more compassion and understanding when they did (which at some level is inevitable in life and business).

By giving ourselves and others permission to make mistakes, we actually create an environment within our own being and within our key relationships and teams, that is conducive to trust, connection, risk-taking, forgiveness, creativity, and genuine success.

While it can seem a little risky, and even counter-intuitive, allowing more freedom for mistakes to be made, ironically creates the conditions for less errors to occur, and more fun and productivity to take place.

Here are a few things to think about and focus on to expand your capacity for mistakes in a positive way:

  • Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – As my friend and mentor Richard Carlson taught us in his bestselling book of the late 1990’s, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – and it’s all small stuff.”  The vast majority of mistakes we make in life really aren’t all that big of a deal.  The bigger issue when it comes to mistakes is either our fear of making them or our reaction to them once they have been made (by us or other people).  As we lighten up and practice letting things go, we find that most things we stress or worry about are really small things.  Living life with this awareness, allows us to have more peace and a lot less stress.
  • Forgive – When a mistake is made, especially a big one, forgiveness is an essential aspect of moving through it.  Most of the time there is no malicious intent by the person who made the mistake (us or others).  Sadly, we tend to spend and waste a lot of time and energy either with blame or resentment, instead of focusing our attention in a more productive, positive, and healthy direction – forgiveness.  It is often most difficult, but most important, for us to forgive ourselves when we make a mistake.  However, if we can remember that most of the time we’re doing the best we can (as are others), we can hopefully get off our own backs and allow ourselves to be human (which means we aren’t perfect, nor is anyone else).
  • Look For the Lesson – There are often tons of lessons for us to learn when a mistake is made.  While it’s not always the easiest or most enjoyable way to learn a lesson, it’s often quite effective as it gets our attention.  One of my friends posted on Facebook in response to my passport incident from a few weeks ago and said, “Well, look on the bright side, I bet this will be the one and only time you ever do this in your life – you won’t forget how it feels.”  She is probably right and most of the time when we make a mistake, even a really big one, we gain a great deal of knowledge, experience, and insight that is invaluable.

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Do You Embrace Change?

November 15, 2012

(For this week’s audio podcast, click here.) 

How do you feel about change?  If you’re anything like me, you probably have mixed feelings about it.  While it often depends on our perception of the type of change – big or small, good or bad, needed or unnecessary, easy or hard, etc. – most of us seek and fear change simultaneously.

I’ve recently been dealing with quite a bit of change in my life – both big and small.  Building my new website, which on the one hand is a pretty small change in the scheme of things, ended up being a very big change for me and allowed me to take a deeper look at a number of things about myself, including my relationship to change in general.

The decision to create a new website was pretty simple and clear – my old one was outdated and a new one was long overdue.  In practical terms, not having an updated website was probably costing me some business and credibility.  In addition, the type of website needed for my business is pretty simple and straightforward.

However, the actual process of creating the new website (even though it’s something I’ve done a few times in the past and was eager to do now on many levels) posed two major challenges for me personally.

First of all, I tend to be a creature of habit, especially when it comes to things I don’t totally understand or have the skills to do myself (like build new websites).  Instead of embracing change with technology, I often find myself avoiding the uncomfortable feelings associated with not knowing things or being dependent upon others to do what I don’t have the skills to do myself.

Second of all, the biggest reason I’ve avoided creating a new website for the past few years has been my resistance to getting new photos taken and new videos filmed.  As I’ve written about before, one of the most significant ways self criticism shows up in my life is related to my appearance.  Getting photos taken and watching video of myself has never been my favorite thing, but in the past few years it has become even more challenging for me as my aging process has included the thinning of my hair – a change I’ve had a hard time embracing and something I’ve definitely considered “bad.”

The thought of getting new photos taken and posting updated videos of myself online has often been accompanied by the voice of my inner-adolescent saying mean things to me like, “You’re ugly,” “People will laugh at you,” “No one will take you seriously,” “You don’t look as good as you used to,” “You should be ashamed of yourself,” and more.  Not fun or kind at all – maybe you can relate to this in your own life?

While I have chosen to “embrace” the change in my appearance in my real life by shaving off most of what’s left of the hair on my head, something about posting new photos and videos on my website seemed even more scary and real to me – hence my resistance and fear to actually doing it for the past few years.

Going through the process of confronting these fears (i.e. getting the new photos and videos done) wasn’t all that easy or fun.  However, like most things in life, facing these fears has been incredibly liberating and not nearly as painful as I thought it would be.

While I can’t honestly say that I’ve completely transformed my relationship to my appearance and made peace with how I look, I can say that this process has been a big step for me in embracing the changes to my appearance (and to myself overall), and has enhanced my capacity for embracing change in general at a deeper level.

Our ability or inability to deal with change effectively is directly related to our relationship to change and our relationship to ourselves.  We spend a great deal of time focusing on the circumstances, situations, and details of the particular changes we’re facing, instead of taking a deeper look at what’s going on for us emotionally, which is where both the impact and the resiliency needed to deal with the change exists.

Here are a few things to think about and do to enhance your ability to embrace change:

- Acknowledge and express your emotions.  Change is fundamentally an emotional phenomenon, much more than a practical or logistical one.  Whenever we’re dealing with change – big or small, good or bad – it’s our emotions that drive both our experience as well as our effectiveness in dealing with it (or lack thereof).  The more willing we are to acknowledge, own, and express the real emotions we’re feeling in relation to the change itself, the more able we are to both move through and learn from the change we’re facing in a positive way.

- Get support from others.  It’s always easier to deal with change when we remember that we’re not alone.  Whether it’s practical support, emotional support, or both – we always have people around us we can reach out to and ask for help.  Many things that are scary and challenging for us are easy for others.  Remembering that we can lean on others when we’re going through change is essential for our own well-being, sanity, and overall success.

- Take conscious and courageous action.  Staying in action, in a conscious and courageous way, is an essential aspect of moving through change effectively.  We sometimes get stuck in fear, perfectionism, or both.  When we stop taking action, it’s easy for the critical voice in our head (the “Gremlin”) to take over and convince us that we can’t do it, everything is messed up, it won’t work out, etc.  If we let the Gremlin take over, we give away our power.  By staying in action and doing so in a mindful and bold way (not simply rushing around to avoid our feelings or just doing things in our comfort zones), we remind ourselves that we have the power to deal with whatever change we’re facing.  As the late Susan Jeffers taught us all through her bestselling book, one of the best things we can do in life is “feel the fear, and do it anyway.”

As the saying goes, “the only constant in life is change.”  It seems that now more than ever, so many of us are dealing with change in our lives personally, professionally, and all around us.  If we’re willing to address these changes with a sense of authenticity, compassion, and courage – remembering that it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being real – we give ourselves a chance to not only deal with change effectively, but to embrace it in a way that allows us to grow, develop, and become more of who we truly are.

What changes are you currently facing?  How are you embracing them (or not)?  What support do you need?  Share your thoughts, insights, comments, questions, or advice here on my blog in the “leave a reply” section below!

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Mike Robbins

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