Do you struggle with honoring and embracing your emotions?
I know I do, as do many of us.
I also find it challenging to acknowledge that my feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s. While I don’t tend to hold back from sharing my feelings, opinions, and desires, I have learned from other people that I can talk too much in situations.
And what’s underneath all of this?
The deep fear that my feelings and desires aren’t as important as other people’s.
It has been humbling to come to this realization about myself. It has also made me understand how important it is to live my life knowing that what I feel is just as important as anyone else.
I used to think that honoring our feelings was selfish, self-absorbed, and even arrogant…it’s not.
All feelings matter. It is about being true to ourselves, honest with how we feel and what we want, and willing to engage in authentic conversations with other people, especially when we don’t feel or want the same things they do.
Why Do Some Of Us Doubt That Our Feelings Matter?
It’s hard for some of us to acknowledge that our feelings do, in fact, matter for several reasons.
We worry about what other people think about us. We fear that others will not like, approve, or understand us.
Some of us don’t value ourselves in an authentic enough way to understand that our feelings matter, too. Many of us believe that we don’t deserve certain things, making us uncomfortable feeling and expressing certain emotions.
In addition to this, we’re often taught to put other people’s needs and feelings above our own. We’re not taught healthy ways to honor our feelings, making us believe that our feelings don’t matter.
But they do.
Always Honor Yourself and How You Truly Feel
When we don’t honor ourselves, our feelings, and our beliefs, we:
- Discount ourselves in a painful and damaging way
- Create separation between other people and us
- Don’t value ourselves
- Struggle expressing ourselves
- Believe that our feelings don’t matter
Five Ways to Embrace Your Feelings
Here are five tips on how to embrace, enhance, and honor your feelings.
1. Quit the Judging
Stop being so hard on yourself. Self-judgment suppresses your true feelings, which has so many negative consequences on you and those around you. Just be you and celebrate who you are.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel
All human emotions have value. Even the ones we consider “bad” can benefit us if we allow ourselves to feel them authentically. Allowing ourselves to feel these emotions can help us move through things in our lives that serve us and our relationships.
3. Be Real
Be true about what you want and get in touch with your true feelings. Be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself, and remember that you are enough.
4. Let Go
Many of us like to attach ourselves to our story. Getting stuck in your story takes you out of the emotional experience, and puts you in the past, not the present. By simply feeling our emotions and moving through them, we can overcome almost anything.
5. Get Support
Most of us don’t get the emotional training that we need to feel and express our emotions in a healthy and productive way. When we have emotional support, we can move through the ups and downs of life much more effectively, and we remember that we don’t have to do it alone. It is not only okay, but necessary, for us to ask for and receive help.
I have written five books about the importance of trust, authenticity, appreciation, and more. In addition, I deliver keynotes and seminars (both in-person and virtually) to empower people, leaders, and teams to grow, connect, and perform their best. Finally, as an expert in teamwork, leadership, and emotional intelligence, I teach techniques that allow people and organizations to be more authentic and effective. Find out more about how I can help you and your team achieve your goals today. You can also listen to my podcast here.
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This article was published on June 28, 2012, and updated for 2021.
Jessica says
That was just what I needed. I just journaled last night when I was completely hurt and didn’t know how to handle my emotions.
Mike Robbins says
Thanks Jessica
Kayden says
This is a great article! I especially identify with the idea that kids fear that anger equals lack of love. Tonight my 4 year old purposely poured apple juice all over his dinner because he didnt want it. I was so upset that I let Dad handle it and was very quiet for the evening because I di&n3#0d9;t want to lose it and scream like a lunatic. My son was so upset that I was angry. He asked to help with clean up. While I appreciate that he wanted to help, I'd hate for him to think my love would hinge on one ruined dinner. It's a tough balance.
Snow says
My prlebom was a wall until I read this, then I smashed it.
Jacie says
I liellarty jumped out of my chair and danced after reading this!
Vykim says
Thanks for this thoughts today. It’s therapeutic to read something like this to remind ourselves how important we are as human beings and our feelings are just as important as our existence and therefore let it be free…
Mike Robbins says
Amen Vykim!
Dick says
Recently I have begun to let others know how they are making me feel and it has been a very positive experience. Especially when others close to you make you feel guilty, sad, or hurtful. I have started to confront them with the question “if it was their intent, how it made me feel, and why do they want me to feel that way”. The conversation that follows leads to open discussion and healing. Try it.
Mike Robbins says
Thanks Dick! Remember, though, no one can “make” us feel anything, the feelings are within us – the other person (or people) may instigate our experience of certain feelings, and it is our job to honor them, feel them, express them (if we choose to) and possibly give some feedback or create some boundaries.
Rahn says
I recently had a conversation with a co-worker about our jobs. I was expressing my frustration as to how I’ve out grown my job and I feel in many ways that it’s holding me back. His response was one that made me feel guilty by saying how good we have it and we should just be happy where we are. That conversation didn’t sit well with me. In being true to myself, it’s important for me to be constantly growing and learning as life has so much to offer. Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to honor my own feelings without having to feel guilty.
Mike Robbins says
Thanks for this comment and your honesty…people won’t always respond the way we want them to. Such is life
Diana Gomez says
Hi Mike!…As always, very nice to hear from you, even though it will be periodically from now on.
This blog of yours fits me like a glove.
I’m a very emotional person and I often feel that I should start to be more logical and stop being too “feeling oriented” .
You can image the fight I have with myself when Im trying to be more logical in any given experience or situation and all about “feelings”. So, good to hear it is perfectly fine to honor feelings. Chances are I’m not that crazy at all!
XOXO
Keep writing Mike and sending me your letters.
🙂
Jennifer says
Appreciate this newsletter today. My little girl and only child graduated from preschool yesterday and I was hit with a sudden wave of intense sadness and emotion in the 24 hours leading up to and after the occasion. My upbringing was very much around stuffing feelings — particularly negative ones — so crying feels very uncomfortable for me. And, I felt like there must be something wrong with me to feel so sad around what is essentially a happy occasion. As hard as it was, I reminded myself to just feel the feelings and not to be afraid of them, and reminded myself that they’re all legit — even these non-joyous ones. Thanks for the reminder.
Arlene says
I enjoy the honesty and openess that your articles/blogs present. I wish more people would “apply” them rather than just read them. Like others who have commented it seems that when you share your true feelings someone always attempt to make you feel guilty for expressing them. Thank you for reminding us it’s ok to feel “whatever” we/you are feeling (good, bad or indifferent)as long as you are not causing harm to anyone.
Mary Stark says
Mike, thanks so much about your honesty re “being real about and honoring” your feelings;
I was struggling with this re a certain uncomfortable business situation, and realized that I had let myself be unduly persuaded by the opinions of others. Didn’t feel good &
actually backfired on me. Now I can see all from a larger perspective. Again,Thanks so much!
Janine Riggle says
Wow every word in this article resonates
with what I’ve been experiencing this past
week!Thanks Mike. Seems Universal:The conflict within to be pleasing to others/ grant ourselves our true desires. I’m @ the 50% point! honoring my desire to keep to myself/saying yes to others requests of
my energy! I wish to be authentic but how do you say I prefer to be by myself than with you without Risk of hurting someones feelings?!
Marcia Robinson says
Thanks Mike for your candid insight. Some people are gun shy about being open and honest in the workplace, because not all voices are equally valued. I remember a time when after two years of advocating for my staff, I finally started to advocate for myself. My boss accused me of not caring about the company, because I was being selfish. Risk of hurting others or being hurt will definitely impact what we can say to whom.
Alan says
I agree with what you are saying.
It is though incredibly difficult to get rid of past conditioning and long term habits of thought you have built up, usually as a defence to something real, or sometimes imagined, which has long since moved on.
What is really odd is you think you have conquered one demon and then find something else underneath which needs dealing with. Maybe that is just the way life is. Once we have all the answers and can deal with everything there would be no interest in life.
I think I have come to the conclusion that the key is all about control. We try to control our lives and what happens in them far too much and maybe we should just stop and accept that for most things we are powerless to affect one way or another. This is particularly true of other people.
Allowing yourself to just feel is one way of taking this step back from ‘control anxiety’.
I do sometimes wish I knew how to feel instinctively and just let feelings happen. My tendency is for my mind to interfere before I can register how I feel. I suspect I am far from alone in this. At least I am able to accept now that I do have feelings!
Thanks for an interesting post.
Natalie says
Hi Mike, thank you for this informative and helpful article. I conducted a search for ‘feelings matter’ and this was one of the first results that popped up. What lead me to search for this is the sudden and recent awareness that I had not been ‘honouring my feelings’. In all of my 40 years, I had been judging, rejecting and disregarding my feelings, and have instead been thinking rather than feeling. This insight came to me when I was having an argument with my sister, who did not want to know that I was annoyed with her at something that she did, and not only did not want to know (but shutting me down, telling me to ‘shut up’, etc.), she actually got angry with me for wanting to express myself. At that moment I decided that my feelings actually do matter and if she doesn’t want to hear them, then I cannot be around her. What also came to light is the fact that she was getting angry simply because she couldn’t acknowledge and accept her own feelings that she had done something wrong. Her behaviour was reminiscent of my mother, who had always rejected, ignored or dismissed our feelings in some way or another. Hallejulah, I say, I have seen the light! I hope your readers will relate or resonate with what I am saying, it has been a truly insightful experience for me, and now, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I am looking forward to the year ahead and life in general. Peace.
L M says
I just found this article last week, and thought it was so helpful and on point for me, and my husband found it very useful too. I was going to reread it today but now it is completely different. I totally connected with the previous version and this version feels very edited, and palpably less vulnerable. Is the previous version still available? Just a few days ago, I shared the link with several friends, and I wish they could read the previous version, as this version is totally different. Thank you so much for writing the previous version. It spoke directly to my heart.
Natalie says
Thank you for this article. It is very helpful
Alex says
Thank you for this article. It is very helpful