Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone. Even though my relationship with my wife Michelle is amazing, the love I feel for and from my girls is profound, and there are so many incredible people in my life (family, friends, and clients) – I still find that in my darkest moments, I feel like there’s no one who really gets me, knows what I’m going through, or even cares enough to truly have my back. Do you ever feel like this yourself?
I’m facing some pretty intense challenges in my life right now. Earlier this week, I was standing in the center of the circle at my men’s group and I allowed myself to really get vulnerable about what’s been going on and the underlying pain and fear I’ve been feeling. As I fell to the floor and sobbed uncontrollably, I realized that two of my deepest fears have been – “I can’t handle all of this myself,” and, “I’m all alone.”
As I allowed myself to both feel and express the intensity of these painful fears, two amazing things happened. First of all, I felt liberated (which is what almost always happens when we express ourselves vulnerably and authentically). Second of all, I felt the acceptance, support, and love of the men in my group in that moment, which reminded me (both mentally and, more important, emotionally and experientially) that I’m not, in fact, alone – there are so many incredible people in my life who do have my back.
We’re never truly alone, even when we feel that way. Most of us have important, loving, and caring people in our lives who are there to support us – if we’re willing to open up, ask for, and receive their help. And, regardless of how many people are around us, what our current relationship, family, or work situation may be, or any of the other external circumstances in our life – each of us has access to a higher power, whether we call it God, Spirit, Source, or anything else.
One of the deepest and most basic fears of being human is the fear of loneliness – no one to be with us, love us, accept us, support us, and take care of us if and when we need it. Although this fear seems very real and there’s nothing wrong with us for feeling it, the paradox is that we aren’t ever really alone – we’re surrounded by love and support all the time, from others and, of course, from God. The idea that we’re alone is simply a “story” we tell ourselves, especially when things get difficult, scary, or both.
Here are some things you can do to let go of this “story” of being alone when it shows up in your life:
1) Open Up Vulnerably – Acknowledging, owning, and sharing your deepest truth is one of the best ways to liberate yourself and connect with other people in an authentic way (hence, reminding you that you’re not alone). So often we think that if we really let others know how we feel, what we fear, and what’s truly going inside our head and our heart, they will judge us, reject us, or not understand us. In most cases, the exact opposite is true.
2) Ask For Help – As the saying goes, “the answer is always ‘no’ if you don’t ask.” When we have the courage and vulnerability to ask for the help and support we need, a few important things happen. First of all, we’re liberated from the pressure of trying to take care of everything ourselves. Second of all, we give other people the opportunity to contribute to us and be of service (which most people love to do). And finally, we’re able to tap into the energy, brilliance, and creativity of other human beings – which is almost always helpful and is also a good reminder that we have access to a great deal of love and support.
3) Allow Yourself To Be Supported – Being “supportable” is something many of us, myself included, struggle with. Even if we’re vulnerable enough to tell the truth about how we really feel and ask for the support we truly want, it takes a certain amount of maturity, self respect, and humility to allow other people to support us. Even if it’s scary and feels uncomfortable at first, practicing and expanding your capacity to receive the support of others is both generous (as it allows other people to make a difference) and wise (you don’t have to work so hard and struggle so much).
4) Have Faith – Faith is the belief in things not seen or proven. At some level, our ability to grow, expand, and evolve in life is directly related to our ability to live with a deep sense of faith – in ourselves, others, and a higher power. In our lowest moments, when it feels like we truly are alone and that things will never turn around, work out, or go the way we want them to in life, our faith is what can pull us through. Waiting for a “guarantee” or until we think we’re “ready” or “deserving” of support sets us up to fail and creates more fear and anxiety. Having faith in ourselves, others, life, and God is what can remind us, in an instant, that we’re not alone – because we’re not!
Carol Andrews says
Great timing on the Universe, and you for this courageous message today….One of my closest friends is losing her life to cancer, and she is isolating herself, from her closest friends… I am going to send her your message today, and I ask for your prayers, that she will read and recieve this, for her heart, her soul, and her quality of life….as for me, I would like to print this out, and keep it in my journal as a reminder. Beautifully written, and heartfelt…. I am blessed by your sharing today…thank you, Mike.
Your message is truly a gift. Hugs, Carol
John Brautovich says
Mike, I’m proud to know you and again, feel inspired by your courage. You continue to walk your talk and stay committed to an authentic life. You’re a game changer in this world and you certainly have influenced my life. What you did in your men’s group is such a great example of the peace that’s available if we’re willing to get real about our lives, ask for help/support, do our work and let God/Spirit reveal the way. It takes such courage and that’s why I love you…your courageous in the face of fear. I know in my own life, moving through that fear and finding that courage has been a process and yet, that’s my commitment to living a life in connection. Knowing you re-affirms the great joy in those choices…thanks.
Sarah Treanor says
Hi Mike,
Your letter came at such an appropriate time for me.. I have been feeling this subtle nagging “alone” feeling on and off lately. I lost my last living parent about 2 years ago – and it seems i am going through another wave of the grieving process.
I also started a year-long project this year to do a different creative project each month.. and its been taking up a lot of my time. Spreading me a bit thin. I think those two things combined have really weighed me down a bit.
Your letter reminded me that I need to take a time out to just be supported – and to just share with others that not having my parents guidance in my late 20’s is just plain hard.. and that this ambitious year-long project is hard too! And that it’s OKAY that its hard. It’s OKAY that sometimes I’m a little bit scared and weak.
I also attend an Adult Children of Alcoholics group which has so transformed my life and really helped to heal the loss of my parents. The people there are so amazing and I feel safe to be who I am and where I am, good or bad. I have also grown so much closer to my higher power through that group and feel a bond with him that I never imagined possible.
Anywho, thankyou so much for your words. They really touched a heart down here in Texas today. =)
Clea says
I read your emails and get some confirmation, comfort, suggestions, thank you very much. today it was the feeling of vulnerability, being alone, a feeling of carrying a burden. Just to identify the feeling I was connected to myself, went for a walk,and being in the sun, in the middle of people, I was identifying with everyone and came back home refreshed. Thank you, Clea
Csilla says
The Power of the Human Spirit – how very true. Congratulation on your resilience. It must feel great to have a buddy like Theo – itg confirms that you are never alone; that we are all ONE!
Jen says
Mike,
This is such a powerful post and came at a time when I really needed to read these words. I really admire your courage to “be yourself” and to allow your vulnerabilities to show. Most of us have a really hard time doing that and/or finding a safe place to do that.
Thanks for the sweet reminder that we all have people “in our corner” even if sometimes it feels we don’t.
Jennifer