June 5, 2014
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Have you ever had a conversation, disagreement, or conflict escalate over email or text? Do you sometimes find yourself engaging in difficult or emotional conversations electronically because it seems “easier,” only to regret it later on? If you’re anything like me and most of the people I know and work with, you can probably answer “yes” to both of these questions.
In the past few months I’ve had a couple conflicts with important people in my life get blown way out of proportion, mainly because I engaged in them via email, instead of talking live to those involved. As I look back on these and other similar situations I’ve experienced in the past, I can see that it was my fear to connect live and my poor judgment in using written communication that contributed to the increased conflict and lack of resolution.
Why do we do this (even though most of us, myself included, know better?) First of all, email (or other forms of electronic communication – texting, Facebook, Twitter, and more), tends to be the primary mode of communication these days for many of us – both personally and professionally.
Second of all, it can sometimes seem easier for us to be honest and direct in writing because we can say what is true for us without having to worry about the in-the-moment reaction of the other person.
And third, electronic communication (or even one-way verbal communication, i.e. voice mail) takes way less courage than having a live, real conversation with another human being (on the phone or in person). When we talk to people live we have to deal with our fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, and our tendency to “sell out” on ourselves and not speak our full truth. Avoiding the live conversation and choosing to do it in writing sometimes feels “safer” and can allow us to say things we might otherwise withhold.
Regardless of why we choose to engage in important conversations via these one-way forms of communication (email, text, voice mail, etc.), it is much less likely for us to work through conflicts, align with one another, and build trust and connection when we avoid talking to each other live about important stuff.
Anything we’re willing to engage in electronically can usually be resolved much more quickly, effectively, and lovingly by having a live conversation, even if we’re scared to do so. The fear may be real, but most often the “threat” is not.
Here are some things you can do to practice engaging in live conversations with people more often and, ultimately, to resolve your conflicts more successfully.
– Be clear about your intention – Before sending an email, text, etc. (or even leaving a voice mail), ask yourself, “What’s my intention?” If you’re about to engage in something that is in any way emotionally charged, about a conflict, or important on an inter-personal level, check in to make sure you’re not simply sending the message to avoid dealing with it and the person(s) involved directly. Tell the truth to yourself about how you feel, what you want, and why you’re about to engage in the specific type and form of communication you’re choosing.
– Don’t send everything you write – Writing things out without a filter and just letting all of our thoughts and feelings flow can be a very important exercise, especially when we’re dealing with a conflict or something that’s important to us. However, we don’t always have to send everything we write! It’s often a good idea to save an email in your drafts folder and read it again later (maybe after you’ve calmed down a bit or even the following day.)
– Request a call or a meeting – Before engaging in a long, emotional email exchange, it can often be best to simply pick up the phone or send a note to request a specific time to talk about the situation live. Face to face is always best if you can make it happen, but if that poses a big challenge (i.e. you’re busy and it might take a while to set up) or is not possible (i.e. you don’t live close enough to the person to see them easily), talking on the phone is another option. A great email response can simply be, “Thanks for your note, this seems like something that would be better to discuss live than by email, let’s set up a time to talk later today or this week.”
– Speak your truth, without judgment or blame – When you do engage in the live conversation (in person or on the phone), focus on being REAL, not RIGHT. This means that you speak your truth by using “I statements,” (I think, I feel, I notice, I want, etc.) As soon as we move into blame or judgment, we cut off the possibility of any true resolution. Own your judgments and notice if you start to blame the other person(s) involved. If so, acknowledge it, apologize for it, and get back to speaking your truth in a real way, not accusing them of stuff.
– Get support from others – When we’re dealing with emotionally charged conflicts, it’s often a good idea to reach out for support from other people we trust and respect. If at all possible, try to get feedback from people who will be honest with you, won’t just tell you what you want to hear and agree with you no matter what, and who aren’t too emotionally connected to the situation themselves. Whether it is to bounce ideas off of, get specific coaching or feedback, or simply to help you process through your own fear, anger, or tendency to over-react (which many of us do in situations like this), getting support from those around us in the process is essential. We don’t have to do it alone and we’re not the only ones who struggle with things like this.
Living life, doing our work, and interacting with the other human beings around us can be wonderfully exciting and incredibly challenging (or anywhere in between.) Conflicts are a natural and beautiful part of life and relationships. We can learn so much about ourselves and others through engaging in productive conflict and important conversations.
The ultimate goal isn’t to live a conflict-free life; it’s to be able to engage in conflict in a way that is productive, healthy, kind, and effective. When we remember that live conversations, even if they can be scary at first, are always the best way to go, we can save ourselves from needless worry, stress and suffering – and in the process resolve our conflicts much more quickly, easily, and successfully.
Are there situations in your life that require live conversations where you have either been avoiding or emailing – and they’re not getting resolved? What can you do to address these situations directly – and have live conversations with those people? Share your ideas, commitments, thoughts, dreams, and more here on my blog.
Hi! Mike
i like this post because it comes in the best moment in my life ;ahh because i m a student in a new university that i have moved a year ;so i find difficulty to meet and take conversations with the students that i wish to be friend with theme (ahhhh specially boys);so i will apply your steps be sincer be nature i will try and i wish i will have a good results!
thanks.
Great Mike! The Truth will set You Free!
I wish to add to your excellent suggestions.
Text and E-mail can be used in a very constructive way.
You suggested saving the note and looking at it at a later time.
In addition written communication gives us the opportunity to take our time to respond. When we receive a note that is upsetting to us we have time to examine ourselves and find out what it is that upsets us and why. We have a chance to let our gut reactions take their course, and cool down, and become aware of what it is that upsets us. Rather than jumping to conclusions, and assuming, we have the opportunity to ask for clarification. In this way we avoid reacting, judging, expressing anger or what ever our negative emotions are, which would put the other person on the defensive, and might make the other person respond in kind, which would start a cycle of blame hurt and attack. Many times we are upset with the choice of words and manner of communication that the other person chooses in addition to the content expressed. So asking for clarification may prompt the other person to use different form of expressing themselves which might in itself help us understand the intent which might not have been what we thought it was.
We also have a chance to try to understand the other person. When we feel hurt or threatened, we have a tendency to think only of ourselves, yes we do need to honor and express our needs, but at the same time remember and respect the fact that the other person has their needs. When we do that we have the chance to take our time and express ourselves in ways that will be easier for the other person to accept and relate to, and thereby avoid conflict, and create an atmosphere where solutions can be found.
In short: Take time to allow our “reactions” to play out internally with inner reflection and awareness, and “choose” to “act” in a problem-solving mode.
I really love this blog post and it is so relevant for me. I would love for you to develop the point that conflict is beautiful. I have recently changed my viewpoint on conflict in that you can learn so much from them as opposed to conflict is bad. But I still find conflict scary, I would love to hear how you make conflict beautiful in your life. Love your work Mike! Chantal
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