Apologizing can be a bit tricky for me. While I pride myself on being someone who is able to look within, take responsibility, and resolve conflicts directly – I also know that my own arrogance and insecurity cause me to sometimes stubbornly refuse to apologize or, often more damaging, over apologize, which can include apologizing for who I am.
Being able to take responsibility for our impact on others, acknowledge and own our mistakes and shortcomings, and restore trust and connection with the people around us (i.e. what authentic apologizing is all about) are essential aspects of living a fulfilled life and creating healthy relationships.
However, many of us devalue, disrespect, and do harm to ourselves and those around us, by apologizing for who we are in a shame-based way – which usually comes from a place of shame (feeling as though we’re not good enough or there’s something inherently wrong with us).
Apologizing authentically is about taking responsibility for our actions, our impact, or our results, as an adult. This is called remorse – wishing we hadn’t done or said something, and taking actions to address and rectify the situation within ourselves, with others, or both.
Apologizing for who we are is often about us thinking or saying some version of, “I’m bad, it’s my fault, or don’t hate me,” as if we’re a child looking for validation or approval. This is a specific example of how shame shows up in our lives. And, no matter how much we might “apologize,” when it comes from this insatiable, shame-based place, we’re never able to shake the feeling of something being wrong with who we are.
The more we notice that we’re apologizing for who we are, the more opportunity we have to look deeper – acknowledge, feel, and express our shame, and in the process begin to heal ourselves in a real way.
While we all have “issues,” “flaws,” and “challenges” in life – at the deepest level, there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of us. Most of us, myself included, spend and waste way too much time judging, criticizing, and being mean to ourselves.
Treating ourselves in this critical way never works – it doesn’t help us become better people, it doesn’t give us access to more love, power, or talent, it doesn’t make us more available for those around us who we want to support – it simply keeps us stuck in a negative story about who we think we are and what we think needs to be “fixed” about us so we can then live the life we truly want to live.
What if we stopped doing this to ourselves, stopped apologizing for who we are, and started honoring, valuing, and loving ourselves in an authentic way?
Do you catch yourself apologizing for who you are? How can you stop doing this in a way that honors who you are and impacts your life in a positive way? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, and more on my blog below.
Robin says
Mike,
I am VERY guilty of doing this and I think it is a combination of a lack of confidence and being too nice! I have been trying to do less apoligizing for ME, because it definitley brings me down. Thanks for REMINDING me to do better! I enjoy your emails!
Ben says
I catch myself doing this all of the time. I usually end up apologizing to myself for myself and it’s truly a vicious cycle. The result: I waste way too much time infatuated with why I don’t believe I’ll ever have enough confidence to perform a task succesfully, so I fail to perform the task at hand and the cycle continues.
This definitely gets me thinking on ways to improve this! Thanks so much!
– Ben
Mel says
Mike, I swear you are always talking directly to me each time I read your articles. I made this mistake many times and each day I promise to get better at changing my image of myself. Thank You so much for your positive messeges.
Taylor Edmondson says
I was preparing for an assertive communication workshop when I read this article; how timely! During the first session of the workshop, we talk a great deal about how often we apologize for thinking the way we do, and for things that are not our “fault”. And of course there are those times when we say “I’m sorry” when we really aren’t.
I printed the article and gave it to the participants–they loved it! Thanks!
Alisa Rose Seidlitz says
Great Article, Mike!
…been workin’ on this one awhile now me-self…I HAVE been getting a whole lot better (read: more accurate) about noticing how much good I do/am, actively giving myself excellent(!) evaluations instead of being self critical.
Everywhere in life, What We Notice TOTALLY counts, and Loving inner and outer self-talk is Vital!
Thank You for your work,
Alisa Rose