How often do you find yourself worrying these days?
When I was a kid my mom used to say to me, “95% of what we worry about never happens.” She recognized that I was the “worrying type” and was trying to help ease my mind. Although this rarely worked, I appreciated her sentiment and know now that she was right.
For as long as I can remember, I have been a worrier. I continue to work on this, let it go, forgive myself for it, and choose different ways of being in the face of my fear. And, I still catch myself worrying more than I’d like to admit – about money, about the future, about how things will turn out, about what people think about me, about the well-being of my loved ones, about the state of the world and economy (especially right now), and much more.
However, no matter how much we worry, it never helps. And, as we look deeper at what worrying really is – a set-up for failure, a negative attractor, and a denial or avoidance of feeling our true feelings – we see that it can have a damaging impact on our lives, our work, and our relationships. When we worry, we’re really getting ourselves ready to be upset or angry – assuming something will not work out in the future.
Our worrying not only creates stress, it has an impact (usually negatively) on what we create and manifest, and on our experience of life in general. Worry is really a superficial emotion. It’s clearly something that many of us are all familiar with, can share with others in a way that will garner sympathy, empathy, or even pity, and is easy for us to go through day to day life experiencing. However, underneath our worry are usually deeper emotions like shame, fear, guilt, hurt, or anger, many of which are more difficult for us to feel and express.
If we’re able to tell the truth and face our deeper feelings, we won’t have to waste our time and energy worrying. We can then deal with the root of the issue, not the superficial impact of it (which is what worry usually is).”
There’s nothing wrong with feeling scared, angry, hurt, and even “worried,” in and of itself. These emotions, like love, gratitude, excitement, joy, and others are very important to our human experience. Emotions that are felt deeply and expressed appropriately give us power (regardless of what they are). Emotions that are not felt deeply, that are denied or avoided, and are not effectively expressed, can be damaging.
Worry is always a sign that there are some deeper feelings and issues for us to address. It’s often a good reminder for us to get more real, take better care of ourselves, and pay attention.
Below is a list of some things we can do when we get worried (which many of us are these days, especially given the state of the economy and the world, among other things.):
- Ask ourselves, what’s underneath my worry (i.e. why am I really worried and what am I really feeling?)
- Face, feel, and express these underlying emotions – get support from others in this process if we need it.
- Once we have felt and expressed these emotions, choose how we want to feel and what we want to create, instead of feeling like a victim.
- Appreciate ourselves for the courage it takes to be honest and to deal with the challenging situations or emotions we’re experiencing.
- Focus on the good stuff in our lives (i.e. be grateful for what we have, who we are, and what we’re going through)
Alisa Rose Seidlitz says
Beautiful again, Mike!
And congratulations on the new book!
Alisa Rose
Ecoharmony Feng Shui©
Loving Gardens Designs©
sarah says
Thankyou for this most recent newsletter! Another one that really hit home for me today. I’ve been trying to open up to dating again after a got out of two long-term and very exhausting relationships that were basically back-to-back. The first one was abusive and codependent, the second was equally codependent as he sort of rescued me from the first one. Its taken me a long time to break free from those unhealthy relationships.
As a result of all of that I’m understandably afraid of a new romantic relationship. its been about 6 months, and i am trying to open up to the idea of dating – i never have really casually dated, so trying it very slowly and cautiously. But as i do i find myself worrying a great deal. Exploring these emotions further – i realize that i am just not ready for dating, and even though i recently met a guy who i like very much who seems to be a lot of what i’m looking for, i need to be honest with myself and with him and just say i am not ready. I cannot be bringing fears and old baggage into a new relationship – its clear i need more time for me.
Thats really hard when the connection and attraction is there and part of me wants to jump into all the grand beginnings of a new romance! But i know to be more careful with my heart now and more careful with the heart of others… i know that just because a connection is there does not mean you should act on it. I am proud of myself for being careful and trying to see the situation from all angles. And your newsletter on worrying helped me to see my underlying fear – that i am scared of a relationship still and not ready for it. Now i can protect me and take care of that need and you are right… the worry DOES go away! =)
Thankyou Mike!!
R.J. says
What I do to stop the worry cycle is “communicate”. Usually why your worried is because of lack of information. Communicate, start asking your questions and getting answers. Communication is a powerful tool. If you don’t ask you won’t know!
Kristie Tamsevicius says
I can’t tell you how timely this is. I have noticed a lot of worrying and trust issues in my current love relationship. 99% of what I am worry about is self created because of past relationships where people I love let me down.
I feel like I have noticed what is really causing the worry.
Been working on feeling “ok” about having those emotions
Trying to get better about expressing them and getting support
AND working on seeing what is good and growing THAT
I also am working with an emotional intelligence coach to help me undo the past hurts so I can feel more peace and joy.
This article couldn’t have hit at a better time.
Thanks for your wisdom, caring, and sharing.
You are helping bring more love to the world.
Kristie
Tiffany from San Ramon, CA says
I am a total worry wart and it bugs me that I am. I’m conscience of it at all times and try my best to talk with friends to get advice, think things through more clearly, or consult with my husband (the eternal optimist). A long time ago I remember someone (maybe a teacher) saying that to worry is so needless because if you’re worried about something you can either change it or you can’t. Either way you should not worry because if you can do something about what has you worried then you can take care of it & if there is nothing you can do – why worry about it?
Mike,
Thank you for your perspective. Nice to know I’m not alone. As always, I appreicate your messages – they are well thought out and honest!
kare anderson says
Such a timely post + and great new book Mike!
Following up on the work of Gavin deBecker and others I wrote about when worry is worthless, when fear is a friend….(worry is prayer for what you don’t want)
https://www.scientificblogging.com/move_me_we/when_worry_worthless_when_fear_friend