About a year or so ago I started playing a game with my two girls, Samantha (our six year old) and Rosie (our three and a half year old). The game goes like this; I ask each one of them, “How much does daddy love you?” They respond by putting one or both of their arms up into the air as high as they can and say, “This much.” Then I say, “That’s right! And how come I love you so much?” To which they say, “Just because I’m me!”
It’s a fun, sweet, and powerful game that I love playing with each of them and something I hope to continue to do for many years. I play this game as much for them as I do for myself. For the girls, I want them to know that my love and appreciation for them is not based on what they do, how they look, how well they listen, or any other conditions or expectations.
For me, I do it for two main reasons. First of all, as a father I find it challenging at times to keep my heart open and to stay connected to my love for my girls when they do or say things that upset, disappoint, or anger me. This game serves as a reminder to me that my intention is to love them unconditionally (i.e. to love them even when I don’t like them or approve of what they do). On another level, by playing this game with my girls, I feel like I’m healing something deep within me that I’ve carried around for most of my life – the belief that my value as a human being is based on certain conditional, material, or external factors (accomplishments, appearance, approval of others, status, money, outward “success,” etc.)
How about you? How much of your own worth do you place in the hands of other people’s opinions, material success, or other outside factors or influences? If you’re anything like me and many of the people I know and work with, probably quite a bit (or at least more than is probably healthy or ideal).
This belief that many of us carry that we have to do specific things, produce certain results, look a particular way (and so on), in order to be acceptable, valuable, and lovable, causes a great deal of stress, pressure, and suffering in our lives.
From a very early age most of us have been doing whatever we can (in various ways based on our personality, background, and orientation) to gain approval and love from those around us. It starts with our parents, siblings, and family members when we’re very young. As children and adolescents, it extends out to our teachers, coaches, and especially our friends. As we move into adulthood it continues to expand to include our colleagues, clients; anyone we deem “important” to our success in life.
While there’s nothing inherently “wrong” with our desire to have the respect, admiration, and appreciation of those around us or to accomplish our most important goals, we often give away our power, consciously or unconsciously, to the people, circumstances, and results (or lack thereof) in our lives.
What if we stopped doing this so much? Our true value has nothing to do with any of these external factors. At the deepest level, we’re valuable as human beings just because we’re us – not because of what we do, how we look, what people think of us, or what we produce or accomplish. What would your life look like if you got this, embodied it, and lived from this perspective?
How can you start loving, accepting, and appreciating yourself (i.e. getting your inherent value) just because you’re you? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more.
Gaby says
I try to read all your emails, sometimes I don’t have time but still “save them for later”. I was so surprise you are going to be in Buenos Aires, I’m from there! you will love the city (if you haven’t been there before). Where are you going to speak at? just curios.
Thanks for all your encouraging articles.
Gaby Hoffman
Leslie says
What a great article. Not just for me as an adult but as a parent. I’m going to put this in practice immediately.
Francine Huss says
Great article Mike! Have you thought of writing a book about parenting. “Just Because You’re You” would be a great title! Subtitle: Parenting Ways To Honor Your Child & Yourself.
Jennifer says
What a terrific parenting practice! I love it. In fact, I like the whole concept.
Perhaps I should try this with my husband. 😉
Lianne says
Thank you Mike,
your blogs and articles are wonderful and keep me centred and on track.
I look forward to them and hope you realize that you make an impact everyday.
Warm Regards
Lianne
Jeff W says
Thanks Mike for your insights. I love the simplicity of your game. I have a 3 year old son I’d like to practice with
Jeff
Bill Henthorn says
It’s a definite challenge in our achievement-oriented society which has us constantly compared to others at an early age, and trained to view those marks as true measures. Add to that the cacophony of constant commercial messages. (I’m a marketer.)
The solution? Understanding our emotions, then not giving our power away. It’s not what happens; it’s how we respond (or react). Easy to say, a lifetime to practice.
Marta Cuminotto says
I love the idea about the book. I’m sure many of your followers would read it.
I will be sharing this article with people I know that will appreciate it.
Marta Cuminotto says
I liked the idea about the book. I’m sure many of your followers would read it. I will share this with friends and family I know will appreciate the concept.
Mike Robbins says
Thanks for all of these great comments everyone – appreciate you reading the post and engaging in the conversation!
-Mike 🙂
Maria says
Mike As always thanks for your inspirational articles your encouraging words gives me hope especially now I’m going through sad moments due to my fiance’s tragic motorcycle accident.
Thanks again take care,
Maria
Zeenat Burse says
I have spent my entire life unlearning that my worth comes from achievement or accomplishment. I love the interaction you have with your girls–if everyone did that even some of the time, our society would be more peaceful and loving!
Mike Robbins says
Love all of these comments – thank you!